Stop Settling

This is the first blog entry  of 2012. Funny, I did not settle with myself what 2011  brought out. And so far, I have not made time to STOP!  Breathe!  Set Intentions for 2012.  Take right now. I am in a limbo. My body clock is set for Eastern time zone, and there where my loved ones are sleeping, it is already Tuesday, January 10, 2012.  But my cell phone, company data, and current surroundings say it is still Monday for another 38 minutes.  What a weird juxtaposition. 

I find each time I have wanted to set down to write this letter, to have cliches running through my head. I do not feel like I have anything new to say about my life or my future.  There is a part of me that yearns to break forth with inspiration. There is a part of me that feels like I am slipping through the cracks, and in danger of fading away, unloved or disregarded. And there is a tired part of me that gets back up AGAIN and yells "YOP!" only to hear the echo in the tunnel.


  To Process this anxiety of disappearing, I have decided what the hell?  Write the cliches down as they come to me. So what if they are not new? They are Present for a reason. Give them voice, and hear what the Wisdom of those before me have to say!

The next bit may come out odd. It does NOT have any one person's name on it. Other than that disclaimer? Well, one of the benefits of writing in the darkness of my truck, is that I can get "IT" out without being interrupted or cut off.  I can hear recent voices that cause me to doubt my worth or value,  break into my thoughts all I want, but they are not here, right in this very moment.  So if you got it, you got it, you got it? (a phrase I regret to say I have learned lately). Then stop reading.


A) Don't make someone a priority in your life, when you are only an option in theirs.

 HAH!  I decided to Google this and here is a quote I found using this phrase:

                     "This is one of my favorite quotes. Take a good look at the people in your life…family, friends, co-workers, significant others, etc. Stop making excuses for poor behavior, don’t accept less than what you deserve, and weed out the ones who only care about their own needs being met. As my friend Patricia says, “A relationship should complement, not complicate.” What a difference it makes when you’re surrounded by only those who bring out the best in you. How sad that I am now all alone…"

Whoever "they" are have been known to say "if you look long enough, you can find at least one person to agree with you. (good or bad)".  This is demonstrated here.  The whole phrase is terrible that it exists. But poignant in that it fits me right now.


B) Don't settle.

  When my girls were at home, it seems money was always tight. Even when it was a two parent household, the challenges were there, just different.  Certainly, once I was a single mom of two active, high-achieving high schoolers, I failed to provide hamburger meat for the Hamburger Helper.  We shopped at thrift sometimes. 

When we did save and come up with money to buy new?  I would tell the girls to get what they wanted, for instance, a new outfit, shoes, uniform.  I would say, "Don't settle. Go for the one you SEE in your heart."


Lately, in Life, I feel in my gut like I have settled. And it eats at me.  I work at a job I love, but that goes nowhere. I am tired, often sick in my body, and no "fix". I am weary in my soul, and I am so far depleted, that a quick dip, no longer refills me. I am left hungry for ALL.  I give and I give,,,, and I give of my heart, my time, my resources, my optimism and it just gets taken, taken, taken.... and I am the one left wrung out and hurting.  Stop settling.


C)  "You push me away a little more every day. Soon, I will be gone, and you will not even have to say goodbye."


  I gave in to pressures of voice, of Life, of work, of Indecision and somehow, I have strayed from nurturing those that DO love me, those that DO have concern for me, those that DO stand the test of time, for better or for worse.  One instance that comes to mind, is I followed a suggestion that rubbed me wrong from the second I heard it, but I did it anyway.  And in the beginning, it seemed to work.  As time has gone by?  I see that I was the clown, and the only one left holding the  fake, plastic flower was me.

What do I mean?  It is my personal way of being ME, but I make those I care about my priority.  I put "me" aside, to be sure their needs (and wants) are met first, me last.   When a person I care about takes time from their day to call, email, text, or reach out, I see it as a GIFT they have chosen to give to ME.

Two things here - 1) that courtesy is not often returned, So I guess the Golden Rule is a pretty ball of fluff?  and 2)  when I took the suggestion and stopped being available on a whim?  Well, guess what?  All that happened was ______________.

Silence. I now have LESS THAN the little bit I had when I began this little experiment. Now I have to see if it is too late to make amends (with my daughters) and if they will "work me in" again?  At least I had SOMETHING, which is more than the NOTHING I have now.


It was easy for others to say goodbye.  I seem to hold on too long. I am the fool here.


D) "What am I holding onto that is no longer serving me?"

WOW!!!  OMG!!! I LOVED THIS QUOTE FROM DAVID JI and DAVID SIMON of the CHOPRA CENTER!!!!!   

It hit me over and over and OVER again like a punch between the eyes!  I very greatly appreciated the check up in meditations and prayers!

Using this phrase, I culled my contact list. If someone was not motivating, loving, inspiring, nurturing or encouraging me?  I took them off my  contacts list. And if I was not offering the same to them? I also took them out of my personal address books.

It was liberating to surround myself with positive people that only had my GOOD at their heart and purpose!  I grew SO MUCH in 2010 and 2011.

Along the way, I am finding I have negative people, people that hurt me, or make me feel "less than" on my list now. And I just want that to improve. I don't want the ugly separation process again. For some reason, it is more personal this time.  I find myself holding on after all, waiting for Time and Process and Improvement.  Only to realise?  I am standing alone.

Know what I wish I had?  More prayer WARRIORS.  Less judgements.  Less conditions "I'll only keep you around if you do X".  Less restrictions on the natural high that flows from so deep within my soul like a bubbling stream!!!  I want to be free to love, to like, to BE who I am... which is always ,,, when I return to the REAL ME?  I am light, I am love, I am hope, I am faith, I am joyfull and I BELIEVE!!!

My desire for 2012 and any future going forth, is  new and current people to be the recipients of my natural light and love,,, and to receive from them the same infusion into my banks.

What am I holding onto that is no longer serving me?  It is not just a person (s), it is things (as in my storage shed), it is traditions, it is the ill health, and the dis-ease in my spirit. 


E) It's a long way up, when you're coming from Nowhere.

Just think, as long as I have breath within me?  My optimism, my hope, my natural LIGHT looks UP and I see POSSIBILITIES and POTENTIAL in people, situations, and LIFE.   

Just keep going,,, just keep going..... just keep going. 


F) Just breathe.

'Nuff said.

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My intentions and desires for the near future, may  not be a list or clear to anyone. I do know, I want to love... and be loved.  I want to give.... and to receive.   I want to encourage...... and be encouraged. These traits are essential to me and my glow that catches stranger's eye on contact. What do I have that shines so brilliant from within? LOVE. It's not rocket science. It is plain me.

I don't want to just stuff my light and happy self down to just get by or get along.  I want to bring my light OUT to play again, and I want to surround myself with those who want to join me, not crush me.

I'm not dumb, less than... I'm not bitter.  And I am not sick.  I have MUCH to be thankful for and I CHOOSE to CHAMPION what is GOOD, RIGHT, and of WORTH.

I want to be my wild, intrinsically passionate ME... which is happy, positive, upbeat, and an overcomer!

I want to LOVE- all.  Foremost, LOVE GOD!   LIFE!  My friends and family.  My church. My job. My opportunities. My blessings. My lessons.

My Intention, then, is to STOP SETTLING, and start LOVING, LIVING, BEING the glorious gifted person God ordained me to be.

Of whom much is given, much is required----  I have an excess... and it is time to let my ROAR out and reach to those around me and to LIVE!

Love. Gratitude. Forgiveness.  For me, and for others.  End of story. No options. Not multiple choice... just DO IT!


Letting go, letting in, letting out,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~