Map? I Don't Need No Stinking Map

Okay,, that was said with humor and bewilderment.  It is jibing at how men won't stop and ask for directions,, but women will, supposedly because they don't know how to fold the map back on itself.

Also, I am out of my region.  I am in Springfield, MO and part of me was EXCITED to travel old, familiar roads. Today was a trip with old friends & landmarks, in new, dynamic seasons. The other part of me is wondering what am I doing here?  As a "regional" driver, I get paid less per mile than a "systems" driver,, so I am cheap labor.  That plays into the pounding ponder in my head of going OTR again.  Waiting until the Spring of course!!!  I have zero desire to get stuck in a blizzard for days with a pee cup and dry Ramen noodles.

So much is tumbling across the pallette of my mind, that I can scarcely "free-type" it fast enough.  In that arena I am "all over the map" too.  Between pen, paper, books in my hands,,,, and electronic media opening doors and windows I never knew existed???  I am a mess,,, in a good way, I think?

Raw,, OMG I am sooo raw these days.  Very up and down,,, very extremely tired of being sick in my body... and seeing the correlation of my state of mind and body is only twisting things more up in knots.

I stopped going to my "usual" doctors,,, I declare mutiny on medicines, ESPECIALLY INJECTIONS that make me sicker than they help,,, and the injections have to just wear off,,, 

Experimenting with all kinds of combinations of herbs, vitamins, supplements,  various teas and drinks,  all while still very IN NEED OF SERIOUS PAIN RELIEF!!!  The pain is the same on the inj meds or off,, but I am going CRAZY with need for relief!  I am ready to try most anything.  I have even been eating and drinking things that up until this point I disavowed.

Take ACV,,, WHY would I willingly drink something that comes out of my body as sweat etc and makes me smell like an apple flavored Easter egg???  I don't even have the dog here to blame!  LOL.

Or eat spoiled milk products ON PURPOSE???? C'mon are you kidding me?  How about tomatoes?? Do you get the same healthy benefit if you swallow it whole??? Because one of them made me gag, so I cut it in half and I REALLY hated the tomatoe giz then!! That is just SOOOOO gross!!

but,, I want to be healed in my body.

Then there's the whole "mind" thing... which is hurting, thumping btw.  I have read  & heard some things that are SOOOO FAR from my (probably) narrow,,,, limited thinking sphere????  That is just rocking my world.

Curiouser and curiouser,, I am finding that one click on the Information SuperHighway yields a HOST of OPTIONS for more,, and eventually,, you get to a place where the terms are starting to appear in each other's articles,,

I'm a big person on "CONFIRMATION" soooooo "out of the mouths of 2 or 3 (or more) let every word be established".

The challenge for me is to stay "ME" while BECOMING WHO I AM MEANT TO BE.

Whew,, State Farm ain't never gonna believe this....
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Experiencing nightmares again, I am putting off going to bed.  Just realized though, I also forgot to eat supper... so I ended up just now going into the C-store and spending $3.50 on a sandwhich that I really didn't want.  Must have food for my meds though.

The concept of screaming for release is not a new one to me.  In the early 1990's my husband and I participated in a 16 week, 4 weekend INTENSIVE Marriage Retreat situation.  One weekend we did the "Haircut" and the "Vesuvius",,, and pounded pillows with plastic bats.  I adapted that to me personally and I go to the golf driving range,, or in times of DIRE DISTRESS to the batting cages,,, SWINGING FOR THE FENCE 200 times in a row kinda unkinks my emotional knots as well.  Also,, at least once, I took an axe to a fence post,,,,

Another weekend session we "Bonded" - Taking turns in the Hotseat in the center of the circle and began to say,, then yell, then to SCREAM  "I need,, I Need,,,, I NEed..... I NEED,,, I NEEEEEDDD  " until something very PRIMAL snapped inside our gizzards and all of a sudden some STRANGER poured from our guts and we began to cry out all sorts of things...

Funny,,, it brought EVERYONE to an INTENSE BONDING *except my husband.  He held himself aloof.  He was the last to go,, and did it out of a rebellious attitiude,, and when his "cry" came out it was still controlled and accusatory to me and just tore me into a million MORE fragments than I already was....

Another session we practiced actual physical holds,, the "Nurturing" hold,, the "Bonding" hold.. and more,, I guess.  I have experienced those from Pastor Hattabaugh more in 2 1/2 years than I ever have in my entire 42 years!!!!!!!!!!!! 

But here I am tonight, dreading sleep and nightmares,,, the screaming that rocked the house this morning.  Worried that I have been screaming in my truck ,,,, or WORSE<, what if I have been screaming at people's houses?????  OOh boy!

Thinking of rudimentary meditation ideas,,, and between the TWO suggested EXERCISES (screaming or meditating) ,, I think that meditating is the one I will go with before bedtime.  I already do something along those lines that is RIGHT FOR ME... so this will just be an adaptation,, until I can learn how to do it by the book.

I have what I call a "Prayer Rug",,,, which for me,, it is a soft, plush high pile bath rug that I keep rolled up and put away.  I only bring it out SPECIFICALLY when I want to get barefoot, and SIT ON THE FLOOR of my home/truck,,,,  It provides a clean environment,, but it is also a signal to my brain and soul that I am engaging in something SPECIAL.

During times of sitting, subjecting myself etc on my Prayer Rug,, I often end up kneeling,, or VERY OFTEN completely prostrate and in UTTER SUBJECTION to the GOD that is moving me....communicating.... concentrating....

Times of being LOST in HIM,,, when I can actually RELAX and let my mind, my heart, my thoughts, my emotions,,LET IT ALL GO,,, and it even let's my body sag and go LIMP,,, sends me to another dimension.

So not sure why?? But to me,, after several exposures to "MEDITATION" through media and conversations???   It seems like it may be an extension of something I already enjoy and do regularly.

Like when "Free-Writing" was looked up, then explained by a few sources?  I am a bit put off that "Meditation" seems to be something I "already do"....  a silly pout going on here,,,,

I was hoping it would be A BIG ANSWER???? I am not discounting it,, I am just READY FOR CHANGE!!!  If you do the same things you have always done, you get the same results you have always gotten.  And those are not working for me anymore.. I NEED RELIEF and HEALING!!

ok,, closing this abruptly... I am tapped tonight. sigh....

Praying for sweet dreams for me and for you as well,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~