Well, I have alot of cool things to share from my weekend. Funny, though. My oldest daughter, Angel is often the first person I think to say, "Did you see that?!"
Lately, alot depends on her school, church or husband's schedule if she has an ounce of "angel" left in her to humor her old mom. I say that trying to be light hearted and to shuck off my irritation.
The convo often goes something like this, "Hey! Angel! Glad you called, What's new?!"
"Oh nothing much. Just wanted to share _ _ _ __ _ _. My school day. A movie. My Sunday school class."
"Cool!! Always glad to hear from you! Let's have it."
(30 minutes later, my eyes glazed over,,,, she's beginning to go in circles, gets kind of random)
"Hey Mom? I know I called you. But I'm talked out now. If you still have anything you want to share? Go ahead. But I can't promise to pay much attention or respond right now. Besides, it's time for Aaron's lunch, then I'm going to take a nap, then maybe we can talk tomorrow after classes and you can tell me whatever you had."
"No problem, Bugs. I understand. Glad you can call me to share. Later!"
and,,, I hang up looking at the phone, going, "Damn! She just did it again!"
Increasingly, my fuse is getting shorter and shorter.
But,,, it's obviously MY problem. It's big TO ME. I don't want to project that off onto Angel. If I complain "during the time we do have about not having more time".... then how long before she thinks twice before calling at all?
My fear in all this is to lose her completely. Even if it is only for a month, two, or a year, two, etc....
But, I want to tell her now,"You used to be my Go-To person also. If you are going to judge me now, for being open and questing? And you are not going to sound it out with me? Then who are you to look down the road 6 wks, 6 months, a year and tell me you do not like who I have become??? I will talk to someone. You may not like who I go to next."
But, again, I bite it back, and like bile it is eroding my good humor,, and what it is doing now to me? I see her number on the Caller ID and think, "WHAT NOW?!"
When I want to think instinctively, "YES!!! My Girl is calling!!! Let's CONNECT!"
meanwhile??? I went to the same shipper in Miami today that gave me the inspiration of "out of plumb line". And I had the same door. Where I had to FORCE my mind to let it go,,, park out of line,, at an angle, jsut to be "right".
Coincidence? Attitude and work in the natural showing up at the same hour??
HAH! Got the diploma on this School Of Hard Knocks lately!! No coincidences. Rhymes and Reasons,, but not Random Acts.
So, I am including the old entry below, to remind me, that it is MY ATTITUDE I can recognize, deal with, breath through (smile) and adjust with a vengeance.
Because, I also know Angel's habits.... she will call me much later today and apologize. And I will need to be Johnny on the spot to accept it, forgive it,, and seize the moment we DO have,, instead of lamenting the lost hours.
hard,,,, hard lesson. And I am still a student. Just got my knuckles rapped with the ruler today, that's all.
Grateful and stretching,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
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Monday, December 6, 2010Out of Plumb Line
After this past weekend and it's upheaval with my dear Angel, I am feeling keenly just how out of plumb my intrinsic thoughts, emotions, wishes, hopes, dreams, relationships, and spiritual walk is lately.
Looking outward? Well, I need to confess, I did my share of that too. What ancient truths have came to my fore, though, is that it is what's inside of ME that is attracting to me and radiating out of me. It's an inward condition, my own personal responsibilty.
Getting fed up with being in a position to have to admit, "I don't like who I am seeing reflected back to me from the mirrors into my Inner Being."
I was reminded of the scientific principle to a plumb line today at my Miami shipper. After reluctantly getting back in the driver's seat to return to work, I did an unusual thing. I agreed to convoy down there with one of my elders. I had an ESP that I needed his company and escort. Sure enough, it was downtown Miami in a rough neighborhood with an industrial section crammed into its tight spaces. Reminds me of Aspen Distribution on Vail Ave, Montebello, CA (eastern Los Angeles). Not a truck friendly area, predominantly poor Spanish people, that leaves me nervous if I have to stay roadside overnight. I don't speak Spanish. I can ask for Los Banos, but then don't understand the reply :)
At this shipper, the two docks go INTO the building about 15 feet. Gives a vertigo to back in and lose sight of my trailer doors until I feel a solid KER-THUMP as concrete meets metal in a teeth jarring experience. I am a GREAT truck driver. I backed in off that residential street, dodging mutts, cats, and threading the debris of cars of yesteryear, straight shot - right to the dock!! Yet, THREE TIMES a shrill whistle and waving, gesturing arms, accompanied by unintelligible Spanish hollering,,,, I was directed to pull up, realign, back in again.
No matter how straight my tractor, trailer was to itself, my elder trucking neighbor, the street or the side of the building??? There was a 8 inch gap on the right side of my trailer to the dock. I tried over and again to psyche my mind out, to park "out of angle". No luck. The building is off plumb line.
At last!!! A visualization of how I am feeling in my interaction with myself, with others, with my world I live in, and with my ineffable Spiritual connections.
Hmmmm..... get that last one in synch and the rest may line up? That just came clear as I type this.
I have been embroiled in a spiritual Erocylodon. Feeling like the nose of my Life's vessel has run aground, where things are simply done by rote memory, because that's the way they have always been done, all while the hinder part of my being is out in the Currents of Change. My self-walls, fortress, and foundations are being torn asunder with opposing spiritual and emotional integral forces.
Somewhere between a feisty pussy cat and a royally provoked lion, I am "becoming" someone new.
Change is good. No stranger to recreating my own Reality? I have been here too many times. I want to just "be good".... be worthy,, be of service, be loving, compassionate, and still yearn to be loved.
So, if I have wreaked any havoc or caused harm, while my personal "building" is being aligned into the "NEW PLUMB LINE"?
Please forgive me. How may I make amends?
In a search, I found info on Kinesiology. It explains that the Definition of Erect Posture is one where an individual is standing at attention or told to stand up straight. This posture needs conscious control. It holds a plumb line from ear lobe, tip of the sholuder, center of the hip and knee, and anterior to the ankle joint.
When all is said and done? My prayer for my personal character and integrity, is that I stand consciously in control of myself, erect, with an authentic, honest plumb line.
Please, anyone who finds this, by invitation or divine design, I implore you - HOLD ME ACCOUNTABLE TO THIS HIGHER GOAL AND NECESSARY CHARACTER GROWTH.
So grateful. So humbled. So broken. So pliable in the Master's Hands.
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Labels: Attittude, Attributes, Breakthrough, Breathe, Broken, Communication, Depths, Gratitude, Health, Identity, pain, Self, The Lion, Time
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