Another Try

Well, the title does not really refer to my cold and stiff fingers on typing. LOL. Although, the backspace key is getting quite a workout. Slow going tonight.

Reading a book authored by a friend, I was challenged to look at childhood passions, current passions etc.   I will be writing those down as an exercise. There are a few childhood passions that even as I read that section of the book, with no pen or paper handy, I formed a bullet quick list!  A fewer in the current category.

One thing I can not really say in truth is that I ever had a plan for my life.  I did not allow myself to grow and mature to a place of calculated learning and forward movement.  Although, I had passions?  I never was a child. From earliest recollection I was wife and mother to my dad & brother. Fill in the blanks.

It's in the Past now, but as a youth, I once was a wife, and then a mother of two high achieving young women. Life had a way of carrying me along. Sometimes I was on top of the log, sometimes dangling below it, bobbing for air. Sometimes in front of it, fending it off of me so I could swim for dear life.

So, I never had a chance to think who or what or how I would like my personal "LOVE relationships" to be.  That's where the title to this post comes in.  Josh Turner's song "Another Try" says, "The reasons I'm alone I know by heart. I don't want to spend forever in the dark. I swear next I'll hang on for dear life. If LOVE ever gives me Another Try."

I have that on my MP3 player, and I turn it up when it comes on.  I think part of that is I am a sucker for deep, bass voices. Also, the pensive croon to the words. 

Lately though, as I read "Positive and Encouraging Words" in people's blogs, website, social networking, emails etc, I am chastened a bit.  So tonight when I hear the familiar lyrics, it raised a question in me.

"What do you mean, 'I'll hang on for dear life'"?   Part of where I am today in my Journey with myself is "BUMP THAT!!!  I am taking no prisoners.  If someone WANTS to be with me, then fine. If not, See Ya!"

Inside though?? I wonder? Which would it be?  I know another song by Blake Shelton says "She was all over me. And I used to let it get all over me.  WHat I wouldn't give to have her back again, now that she's all over me."

Ole  - I was young, he chose me for that reason. He actually likes them young. Hmm.. but he wanted me to (his words) "make him the center of my world".  He was so afraid that he couldn't be loved for who he is, that he had to INSIST I love him, submit to him, serve him.  He was determined to be the center. He was the one who was ALL OVER ME.... and was heavy and hot and pushy about it. 

I grew quickly to loathe his touch.  It wasn't given lovingly, it was control.  Then it was fear. Then it was just plain old disgust.

With Lewis, I did not connect with him instantly.  I liked him, but wasn't attracted and we were not physical for a good while.  However, he emotionally loved me, almost immediately.  He sought me, he wooed me, he waited for me. 

By the time I was realizing I was loving my best friend more and more and more every day? He was very present and available and we were the bestest of buds and of friends.  We told each other EVERYTHING!  We went everywhere, spent time as a family and as a couple. Slowly, without me thinking too much about it? We held hands, we touched completely down our sides on the porch swing for hours. We sat back to back, skin to skin on the island on Lake Harris and jsut leaned on each other and talked for hours, days, weeks.

He said the scary words, "I Love You",  before I did,, but I felt it too.  It took me awhile, but by the time I could say it?  We were in each other's heads, hearts, souls, sleep, dreams, minds,,,, Lewis and my girls,, it was a family thing.

It came down to marry or not... buy a house and be unmarried? No. Cars, boats, bikes, etc ,,, but a house?? No...

In this relationship, turns out I was the insatiable one.  He showed me love and respect and I blossomed... by the end??  LOL... I was "all over him" and he let it get all over him.  Wry chuckle here.

Every time we got to a milestone? He would flip out and need "space".  By the time we got there?? I had weighed my decisions and was ready to move to the next level.  But that man kept "needing space" after loving me so patiently to join him. 

At the end? When I wouldn't marry him after his 2 requests? And it was time to go our own ways?  I cried, asking him to stay.  He left anyway. 

I know it was the best.  Now I do.  At the time?  Even now?  It hurts. We began to date once he moved out.  For almost 6 months, we went back to inseparable FRIENDS and buds,,,, until he met someone new.

That was always the deal, "Take the space you need.  We will be here when you get back. But, Lewis, if you are with another woman? DON'T COME BACK."  That is how it ended up playing out.

These two relationships of Ole and Lewis are the only two that had any possibility to them.

 My fitness trainer and Jay J?  These two were curiousity flings, They were me letting go of the strict holds I had on myself to raise my girls and to be "good". They were BAD BOYS and I was confused. I take FULL  responsibilty for my actions and for reaping what I sowed.

Isaac?  I will never be the  majestic eagle he is.  I am just an ugly brown wren.  In all ways. Physically, intelectually, spiritually, emotionally,,,, he is just always so far above me, so classy, and it would be wrong to saddle him with me.  Neither of us give in to our temptations to go further at the same time. LOL... so,, it just goes on and on being NOTHING.

Back to the title.  "Another Try"  ... if love ever gives me another try?

Hold on for dear life?  Hmmm who is holding on to me? Or seeking me?

Would I follow old destructive patterns? Of too much or too little?

When do I just get to live out my passions, my purposes and do great good for others,, and as I live that fulfilment of my dreams?  Will I  live loved and cherished? Or just some freak of an island with a "heart of gold."?

I don't want prisoners,, nor do I want to be one.  I want .....

World Peace and a Cure For World Hunger.

hmmmmm..... 

well, this was a waste of time.
jan m olsen
~J~