This morning, I walked by the Garden Center in a north FL Walmart. My Inspiration-button was struck by the simplicity of the barren, pruned, winterized Fruit trees for sale. Sometimes, my Life seems barren or cut back to very little. Today, I'm reminded, Spring is coming. Simplicity has its time and season for healthy growth and development.
All of Life is about Change. From the sanctity of the womb, to our last breath of air drawn into our lungs, we morph and change at incredible rates. As a person? I wish I could say I embrace Change as it would make the ups and downs so much easier to roll with and enjoy the Process. If I were completely honest, though, I would say I resist it. Since this growth and change are inevitable? All I am doing is stressing out over the very portions of my life that could use the most Serenity and gentleness.
Life has a way of sitting you down and taking you to task when you forget the truths and absolutes. Sometimes, I think to myself that I am doing just fine, at least for the moment, right where I am at that second. Then WHAM! A shift! The rug is pulled. The brick wall rises out of seeming Nowhere. Or the curve banks too sharply and I fight to make the bank and turn with grace.
I live alone. Wake, eat, work, play, love, sleep,,, alone. So I have to talk to others outside of myself when I want to bounce an idea or when I need someone to lovingly hold me accountable. Community is so key, however one finds it for themselves. A church assembly and its leaders. A sports venue. A musical crew. A blog, or email, placed out into Cyber Land for review. Family and friends. Trusted souls that hold that remarkable place in your heart as mentors, best friends, the faithful warriors.
A very recent event epitomizes the speed of Change, my reactions, and the results. I rely on my laptop and the internet to keep me connected. On it, I can talk to people, watch people, listen, study, try new things. I can share my photos and musings. Over a period of a month, my laptop began to experience instabilities. While I used to be a programmer and an electronics repair guru, I have not tried anything beyond the basics since the 1990s and I have been left behind by the amazing advances of the times. Life bouncing around on a semi truck is tedious. Heat, cold, vibrations, jostling, power outages... so many variables. The problem with the current laptop could be anything.
Friends thought it was a software issue. Best Buy says, pay $199 up front for us to diagnose and repair. They came back saying it was in need of a new hard drive for an additional purchase. Then I had to buy Windows. I became frustrated by the run around and asked to retrieve the laptop as is from Best Buy.
A man at my church took it Sunday and found bad registry. He reformatted it entirely and put Windows 7 on it, along with Microsoft Office (YES!!!!!). What's more? He did all of this for $50 and it was ready Monday afternoon. This brother even drove to an exit off the interstate, I pulled over my semi and we made the exchange there!!!
Meanwhile, I will confess, I went through withdrawals. But, it is humbling to look at the weeks of limited use, and then the scary weekend of limbo and see that I could hear better in the silence. I saw this coming, and made an effort to slow my rambling, thinking, flitting brain down to a slower pace.
I experimented with new guided meditations. I closed my eyes and breathed slowly on purpose. I asked God to not give up on me, to please say it again for Hard heads like me. I wanted to hear what God, Life, and Earth were wanting to tell me. A few times, I gave in to the weak side of myself and vented frustration. But I worked hard to rein that in and just let Life take me where it needed me to go.
I went to an acoustic concert. I went to church. I stood out under the starry night and felt the dew on my skin. I took gym and separate Yoga classes. I slept alot, which was much needed. I arranged to have visitation with my old dog, Addy and we hiked, went to the dog park, and napped together, snuggled and sharing joy. I have socialized more in the last two months outside of my work and my church than I have in probably the last years my daughters were at home and I was a band and soccer mom.
Alot of those things I do anyway. But this time, when the thought came to look online, maybe for directions? Maybe for lyrics? Maybe to plan my next days, weeks, months in rapid- fire fashion as I usually make lists to do? Maybe to write? I sagged, "Oh, that's right. You don't have a computer for an unspecified time."
I just don't manifest much patience or grace with myself when it comes to change. I am still mulling over how to improve this area of my life. The last decade recreated my family structure and ideals so many times, I lost count. People came in and out, homes, jobs, health at such an alarming rate? And I was a real jerk about it.
Going forward, as I allow the pruning and shaping of my Life, I am only keeping the people that are positive for me. Whether we are bonded by blood or just by minutes? If you drag me down or hurt me, I am not continuing the association. I am seeking actively to learn what is healthy, nurturing, and fruitful for my life.
As this Process goes along, crossing the calendar years, I am so grateful to see the Progress. So blessed to begin to recognize Simplicity and to embrace the Changes. I am not Wonder Woman. My mistakes are plentiful and painful. I have to apologize and make amends ALOT.
The fruit trees at Wal-mart today? Made my heart thud in excitement because Spring follows Winter. But it also made my heart hurt to realize, that there is even more giving up to do. Even more Process to navigate. Even more Change to allow. And I walked away sobered, questioning.
The human frailty of me first said, "HOW MUCH MORE, GOD!?"
My second question, almost as fast was, "Can I do it?"
The trees come with a guarantee. Life does not. All it promises is that THINGS WILL CHANGE.
The sooner I "LET GO and LET GOD", the easier it will be not to get hurt along the way by my own resistances.
So I end this, by affirming, even if only to myself, that I * WILL BE* Grateful for new growth and simplicity.
My becoming the best I can be depends on it.
Feeling Spring in the air,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
