Things That Fill My Cup

As the 2011 holiday season approaches, I look at where I have been in years past. Glean the lessons contained in the Journey, and pray that going forward, I walk in grace and new life. 

Reminded of a  song "Another Try", it says:


All the things I've felt and never shared
All the times that she was lonely with me there
Tears I wouldn't let fall from my eyes
And how I let her go without a fight
The reasons I'm alone, I know by heart
But I don't wanna spend forever in the dark
I swear next time I'll hang on for dear life
If love ever gives me another try
There's no changing things that we regret
The best that we can hope for is one more chance.

This past year has shown me that there is love in many forms, many surprises, many chances. Close or extended family, old friends, new friends, those you let in and choose to spend time with, those that spend time with you.....  it has been a welcome lesson to learn to let love BE, in all its ways of showing up. I learned this year that "angels walk the earth as women and men".

As the normal has it, I spend the Thanksgiving holiday on my own. It's different this year, because there's a  Knowing that there are many blessings around me, through me, and in me. 

I've been alone a long time though, and the reasons why, I do know by heart.  I don't want to stay there, instead, it is worth the wait and worth the work to give Life in all its offerings "Another Try".

My gratitude list for this holiday season is triumphed in this old blog entry, included below. It also is in the right here, right now, with the new men and women that have joined along in the Journey since I first wrote in May.

Giving life,and the people in it Another Try.
With courage and hope,
~J~
==================================================================

Sunday, May 22, 2011

WOW!!! I have to say that again, WOW!!

Earlier this week, I received a very gracious invitation to drop by into a friend's Florida vacation and family get- together. I promptly used my word prowess to convince work that I needed the weekend off duty for a "family reunion". Truth :)


As a truck driver, miles to a destination are relative. Some I get paid to perform. Some I pay to execute. My excitement affects my overall mood. This weekend, I enjoyed a bonanza of reunions from the full out surprise, to the carefully established. I stayed with my best friend Friday, Saturday and today, but only got to sit down to share a meal and fellowship today. She was out of town all weekend herself, giving me free rein of her home. That's love.


At least one of each - the friend I saw 2 weeks ago. The friends I saw sometime so far this year. The friends I saw 10 years ago. The friends I saw 25 years ago. The family I had yet to meet. The internet connection I nurtured 5 years and finally met in person today.


Blessed with free lodging and respite, I based out these visits out of Osceola County. My friends and their families were primarily in Polk and Lake Counties. From laughter that hurt my sides and made my face red, to those precious moments that catch your breath and skip your heart's beat, to the body's overflow of a teardrop's course, I travelled 600 miles IN MY CAR in 3 days to too many loving arms to mention.


Over 300 miles in my truck on Friday, and 700 miles coming up in my semi on Monday. Whew, a bit daunting.


I go from solitude in my truck, to two weekends in a row of full out LOVE and embraces. I am a bit soggy and squishy in the love department right now. Like sleep hours, do you ever wish you could bank the hugs up for a starless night?


Ever notice? People want to bless you. One of the first things they think of is to feed you. And trust me, home cooked meals, fellowship, and camaraderie are gifts! But to see as many friends as I did in the past three days? It felt like a Progressive dinner. Everyone wants to feed me, and feels offended if you just ate. LOL.

 People are just sweet like that. And it comes in waves, and very grateful for every presentation of Life's generousities. The dry and lonely periods are just as certain as the open arms moments. That is just the give and take of Life. In my Dad's wisdom, "Some days are just better'n others."

Sunday night after the Grand Finale seafood dinner with my best friend and her 12 year old daughter, Morgan, I decided I would get more bang for my hours to drive home to Sunrise, FL and sleep in my truck tonight for a few hours before taking off to Birmingham, than if I tossed and fretted a few hours in the wonderful real bed at my BF house. This way, it is cooler driving (no car a/c), if I have car troubles, I have time to resolve them and not be late to work, and I think I can let my mental guard down at the end to REST better, knowing all I have to do is show up to work.


Sitting out by ponds, on patios and porches, by myself and with groups of people, extremely at ease and in my element, all five senses were innundated with the sensations of what one could only call "home". The crickets, owls, scented breezes, buzzing bugs, ebb and flow of conversations and of God- moments, cloud animals drifting, and Central Florida's omnipresent humidity just made the welcome of blanketing memories fill the tanks for the times ahead. Reminded of the oil lamps in the temples. Full, from the inside out, keep the lamps trimmed and burning.


Since many of the get togethers were of a "reunion" or meet and greet in nature, the same questions were asked over and over and over again. I could get tired of it. But, instead, I know that being a female truck driver holds a mystique, and it is my gift to the world to be able to put someone in the driver's seat to share my adventures and explorations. God gave me wings and wheels, I can pass it along. It is my joy to do so and I never weary of the questions and discoveries.


Last night though, surrounded in roomful of loving people, in a quiet moment where I was present, but it was not my turn to speak, I felt a peaceful knowing go through my marrow. No one asked me this one question all weekend, but I came away with a self-knowledge.


I am cool with me.


I am comfortable in my own skin.


I am WHOLE.


The recent years when I was unhappy or pressed down? That was the foreign land to me. My personal normal is to be ON FIRE for life and for God. To have been given multiple second chances? To have been demonstrated mercy and grace from God and his ambassadors here on the earthly realm? These love offerings fueled my resident fires.


At my lowest points in the past few years, I may have been nearly extiguished. A smoking flax He will not put out, nor will he break the tender, bruised reed. (paraphrased) But inside me smoldered my passions, my calling, the reason for it all!


To have been reborn and stirred anew is invigorating!


The days may be hot, but I am one cool lion. And I feel a serious R-O-A-R coming on. Lookout!


One provoked lamb,


Jan M. Olsen
~J


I tried to sum my heart's view point up on Facebook, but only those who were with me, get the full impact :


I love how we are all connected. Sometimes, there is a heart bond. It's alot like the warmth that family brings into your spirit. An acceptance and a Knowing. A place of safety, love, and stability. This can be from blood relations or those wonderful souls that graft you in. Being back in my hometown area of Polk County has been a flood of love and joy. My cup runneth over. So blessed.

Rich and Round and True

I find I do not feel quite like myself sometimes. It may be as simple as forgetting to breathe in pure pleasure or need.  Maybe I do not consecrate time and space to meditate, pray, to dream? I can not tell you the last time I gave in to the urge to dance myself weak.

Today found me at just such an impasse. On the outside looking in? I've had contact with both of my daughters, my brother, my church, my special friends and people deeply important to me. My work is steady in the uncertain way trucking has about it.

I know I am a deep thinker. I have made great strides this year in being less of an obessive planner and in just letting Life and God take me where I need to be. It oftens surprises me at the gifts, blessings and WOW moments that come my way when I get "me" out of the way and submit my will to God.

Today is the third in a row where I have to lay down to sleep by 5pm if I hope to rest on the 24 hour clock.  Also, third day in a row, I will have to commence driving at 2am if I am to arrive on time with my load. Tonight, I parked at a nondescript truck stop, a wide spot in the road, unpaved, unkempt little parking place in Laurens, SC on the I-385 connector from I-85 to I-26.

Out of sorts, grumpy, feeling like a good cry would yield me more benefit than a belly shaking laugh, I set out to stroll with God in the cool of this Autumn evening. Before I began my walk, I listened to Roger Whitaker sing, "Both Sides Now"....

 I've looked at love from both sides now,
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall.
I really don't know love at all.

Behind the truck stop led a path past deserted warehouses. It drifted to a gate, and a path beyond it, overgrown. It had animal scat, but no sure footprints or tire marks.  You know me, it was calling my name.  Dusk, cool, South?  Hoping to see forest animals, hear the birds, be gifted with a firefly or two....

The Autumn colors are hanging in there. The woods grew quiet as I intruded, but as I came to a resting place a mile in, I stopped. I breathed in deeply, slowly, deliberately... and I noticed where I held tension. I identified the body parts that hurt and felt constricted.  I then did a variation of meditations by visualizing cool, healing white light, filling the spaces of my hurts, like a balloon.

Then I gently, slowly exhaled. It felt so good, I did it again. Eyes still closed, this time, I took my balled up fists out of my pocket and let my hands relax at my side.

I breathed in LOVE, I breathed out I LOVE.
I breathed in GRATITUDE. I breathed out I AM GRATEFUL.
I breathed in FORGIVENESS. I breathed out I FORGIVE.

I opened my eyes slowly, and I saw crisp clarity. I discerned a single leaf, shaking in the breeze way up high. I heard that the birds had begun to sing again, and could distinguish their parts in the choir. I saw the shades of the reds, yellows, greens of the Fall foliage, and noticed the little wildflowers in the undergrowth.

 The moon was rising 3/4 full in the East above the South Carolina pines, and the sun was in its dying throes somewhere miles behind me, casting brilliant swaths of color from God's pallet to the East in a final farewell to Tuesday, November 8, 2011.  Yes, I really do have to use words like this to describe what I see, feel, hear, experience... this too is just a part of who I am as a communicator.

Do I have the answers to my many questions? Do I have Life (or Love) figured out? Do I know where I am going tomorrow, a week, a year, and decade from now?  NO.

I am reminded I am not living out  my Passionate Purpose while I am isolated over the road as a truck driver.  My heart and passion is to teach, to encourage, to guide.

It was after dark when I stepped out of the bush and onto the bumpy hardball again. It was then that I thought, "I should have danced back there". Ahhhhh,,, my passionate outlet. It has been TOO LONG since I have dressed comfortably and laced on my tennis shoes and danced in the dark until I can no longer stand to my feet.  I have not sang out loud to the angels, God, and sky until I am hoarse and spent.

I am relaxed now more than when I went for the walk to begin with. Now I have a list of things to do in the near future.  To write, to learn, to grow, to explore.  To be me,, and not conform to what others wish I were for them.

Here is a link to the YouTube video and the lyrics to the song. As he sings it so rich and full? It stirs my heart to say, "There is MORE... don't ever give up. This is not the end of hope, of love, of life."

Time to lay down and let the worries take care of themselves. If God grants another day? Face it with joy, happiness and excitement for the living.  Dance and sing a whole lot more. Laugh, write, give ,,, Love, Gratitude, and Forgiveness.

And breathe.... breathe.... breathe,,, open my eyes and soak God in. It is rich and round and true...

Looking at Life from "Both Sides Now",
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
http://youtu.be/Vp8kKAGrhV0

Songwriters: JONI MITCHELL

 

Bows and flows of angel hair and ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere, I've looked at cloud that way.
But now they only block the sun, they rain and snow on everyone.
So many things i would have done but clouds got in my way.

I've looked at clouds from both sides now,
From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions i recall.
I really don't know clouds at all.

Moons and junes and ferris wheels, the dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real; i've looked at love that way.
But now it's just another show. you leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know, don't give yourself away.

I've looked at love from both sides now,
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall.
I really don't know love at all.

Tears and fears and feeling proud to say "I love you" right out loud,
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds, I've looked at life that way.
But now old friends are acting strange, they shake their heads, they say
I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day.

I've looked at life from both sides now,
From win and lose, and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall.
I really don't know life at all.