At the time I was arrested I had no idea it would turn into this. It was just a day like any other day. The only thing that made it significant was that the masses of the people joined in. ~Rosa Parks
My 43rd birthday came and went as a day like any other in recent years. I find myself in a sea of people, each one teeming in their own ocean. For the second August 27th in a row, my work day happened so that I was glad to get a Subway sandwich and happy to find a parking place that was relatively safe for 10 hours.
My oldest daughter, Angel, stayed awake to call me at 12:01am on August 27, 2011. She sang to me, and quoted to me a childrens' book, "The Kissing Hand". Little beast made me cry as I drove my semi truck overnight. Then as she was winding down, getting drowsy on the phone, I told her she was the bestest. She quipped, "I thought I was the P.S.?" So I replied, "The PS-est of the PS's."
As the disconnect was made, I heard one last giggle, "You are Cwazy lady!" to which I called back to note, "I heard that!".... made us both laugh then and today as she admits to being goofy sleepy and unsure what we said last night.
A few months ago I had to get a new cell phone when my Verizon phone broke. I changed carriers altogether. I lost over 12 saved voicemails that I had cherished for several years of my daughters, friends, church family and other loved ones leaving me songs, made up fantasy stories of Thor waiting for us in a cabin in the woods, and sundry declarations of love. Since having the new phone? No one has called to sing or say they love me to the voicemail. Until today ~ my dad sang "Happy Birthday" Phil Hooper style.... my first saved Sprint voicemail!!!!
When I called him back, I heard a tale that made my heart shake and curled my insides. A huge oak tree branch had crashed through their bedroom ceiling, landing only 10 inches from my sleeping Dad's face. Fairly extensive damage to the house, an insurance adjuster, and much work to clear the debris has filled their week. Hearing about it after the fact shook me. Our time on earth is fleeting as it is.
My Mom? Bless her. She says she mailed me a birthday card weeks ago. I do not know who got the card? I hope they enjoyed the silly poetry from my Dad and signature from my mom? LOL. She did not say anything to me today, she had done her deed by mailing the card. I just let her repeat things I have heard as a broken record for the past months, knowing she would suddenly "have to go" at any minute to a life I interuppted by my phone call to say "I love you Mom." I was glad she is here to talk to me one more day and do not look forward to the silence that will one day be the case.
Thank you Brett, my DM for the laughing wishes on Friday, for Jim the mechanic that let me slide without a routine service, for the text messages from my Aunt Lannis that gave me a crib to sleep in as an infant, and who raised me as a twin to my cousin. Texts also came this week from Dawn Reckhart, my Auburndale friend sister in God. Dawn was steeling for a direct hit in New Jersey from Hurricane Irene, and yet kept my phone busy the last couple of days assuring me of her love. I am a blessed girl!
This day last year, I was still in pain with an illness and carrying unrepented injuries in my memories. This year I was blessed to be released of both, and for that I am extremely grateful. Thank you to my abiding friend, Mark. Opening the present, 2011 has been amazing in terms of growth, new ideas and a revolving door of fresh opportunities to become my best self.
Preparing for my fourth Reunion, Reconcilliation, Reconnection trip to Colorado to be with Alisha and my two grandsons, I have had an usually odd work week. The normal week being 14 hour days, I am not used to sitting around at such odd intervals, yet pinned to the responsibility for the truck or trailer. Friday I only did 450 miles, and wanting more work, I requested to run overnight. Wish granted, I ran from 9pm Friday - 1100 am Saturday for an additional 500 miles.
I was supposed to run 578 miles 9pm Saturday-Sunday, but that load cancelled. I made my mind up while still in the bunk this evening in prayer, to be submitted to God's will and plan, wherever he may choose to go with me. When the load cancelled? I had a lot of peace, and figure I will enjoy flipping back to the dayshift, and the extra double resting period will be wonderful to my body, mind, spirit before my Colorado trip.
If I had known ahead that I had Sunday off, I would have set up a ride to a local church in Jacksonville, FL. There may still be time to make those arrangements when I wake up. Who knows?
God knows. He also knows the plans he has for me. He knows where I am now. He knows that I am both grateful to be alive and ready for the next year, and that I am weary sometimes of this life in general. He knows my heart and the Processes I am going through. Reassuringly, he knows the Outcome as well.
Relief.
Letting go the control that I do not have anyway and climbing up in my Daddy's arms like I am 4 .... not 43.
I will end as I began, with a quote from Rosa Parks. Who knows the scope a life will have, when all is said and done? Much to be considered, the choices are up to me to tend to as lovingly as a gardner of miracles. Curious where I will be in life one year from today?
Memories of our lives, of our works and our deeds will continue in others.~ Rosa Parks
Continuing,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Essence
I shall be at peace when the lion within can lie down with the lamb.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Counting On It
60 Seconds in a minute/ 60 minutes in an hour.
3,600 seconds in an hour/ 24 hours in a day.
86, 400 seconds in a day/ 7 days in a week.
604, 800 seconds in a week/ 52 weeks in a year.
31, 449, 600 seconds in a year.
That's what my mind has managed to boil my existence down to at this moment.
31, 449, 600 seconds in a year. I can not add seconds to the regular 365 days a year. If I live the entire year from beginning to ending, I can not actually reduce the number of seconds. The question is never really in how many seconds I have left to use in my lifetime of seconds, minutes, days, weeks, years, but rather how did I spend that exact factual numbered supply? I actively control or affect the latter.
As a person, I describe myself as passionate, on fire, shaking and baking, busy, invigorated, optimistic, emotional, loving, driven, tenacious, forgiving, intelligent, motivated, inspired, always learning, dynamic, curious, open, tender, giving, serving, full of gratitude. I know that list is not focussing on grammar or form. It is more important to me to spit a whale out of the pit of my tummy right now than it is to make it come to sense to anyone, but me! I need a moment of my own clarity and understanding. I'M WORKING ON IT!!!
I've prayed about it. Meditated. Read material. Written. Practiced free-writing just prior to this stint at the computer. I've slept on it, dreamed of it, or tossed and turned over it.
The concept of free writing is something that results in several thoughts tumbling from me at once. Today, I looked "free writing" up online again and chose an educational, no frills site. Then I decided to follow their format. This included setting a timer, not stopping, not editing, not judging, and choosing a topic to write about. In my own off beat sense of humor? I chose "Free Writing" as the topic. Why? I was curious what would come up?
I am into the details of how and why. That is a bit annoying at times like free writing, praying, meditating, etc. I know why I do this. It came up several times this past week. I heard myself saying in my head, or even muttering out loud, "Damn! I was set up to fall short on this. That's going to show as a "fail". Fail is an angry word in my vocabulary. I HATE TO FAIL. If you do this, Jan, you will fail."
I have had a lot of exposure to old concepts that came to me in fresh ways this past 11 months. Some of it is so simple, it was hard. Some of it was hidden among the stuff of life. Some of it I was conditioned to get over it, move on. Some of it, I just accepted, tired of bucking the flow upstream. Some of it, habit or traditions held me bound. Some of it religion or dogma put fear in my spirit and I stayed shy away from either the Unknown, or the unsafe.
Some of it was brand spanking new to me, some of it I just kept pushing back, staying in my roll with the flow mode that gets me through all kinds of life drama or issues. That last one, rolling with the flow, is a survival tool I've had to engage, seems like all my life. Just get through it, move on, and hope I learned a thing or two?
As a person, I get very uptight thinking that I might fail, and it sometimes causes the very thing I am worrying over. The concept I recognized this year was "what you reflect out of you, is what you attract to you." Even as I type this, my stomach is roiling, my jaw is clamped, my hands keep clenching, my posture is slumped and my eyes keep drifting off screen.
The day is beautiful in Central Florida, but my focus is lax and I think it keeps trying to protect me, to push me back just under an alarming level? The fact I can't focus even is ticking me off, and I see I am going in circles. "Failing" again. This time to sort out or stay on a topic. Just as I wrote that? I huffed an angry growl that would have smoked my laptop into an incendiary heap of smoldering ash if I was a dragon. UGH! I have been in and out of that stage of an aggravated huff for quite a while now!!!
Here is a bit of my shot gun spray of angst. Some of it came out in my free writing exercise. As I wrote most of it? I noticed myself pushing my way through to humor. That's another survival tool. If you can laugh about a situation? It may not be as bad as you once thought, it might relax if it is bad, and you can definitely ease up and get into the "roll with the flow" stage if you can laugh about it.
As I was free writing? My mind was still so uptight, it kept telling me "you can't edit it , per the "RULES", so don't screw it up the first time to begin with. Just keep it light, so you can keep moving. Don't get serious or grey. Don't fail this too, Hooper!"
hmmmm... is that a sign of something more deeply ominous? All week I referred to myself by an old name, my maiden name. Hmmm?
To free write? I paid careful attention up front to "get everything right". I located looseleaf paper. I found me a lid to a storage unit to use as a desktop. I found the timer function on my EVO and even restarted it. I wanted to set it for ten minutes, but I got edgy that pushing the start took up my seconds. So I actually set it for 10 minutes, 30 seconds, to give me time to turn and address my paper. I fidgeted with the Sirius Xm selections.
I love classical and symphonic music, but I found myself grooving to the beat. If anything had voice? I was straining to decipher it. I settled in with cool jazz, only every 5th song or so has any lyrics to it. The station is called Watercolors, and when I think of that word, I think of light shades of blue, watery, mixxing and fading across a clean canvas. Beginning to drip, swirl, tilt.. blend. That seemed a good moodsetting for writing.
Finally, I stopped all that bustle and I truly did the three deliberate, slow breaths that I learned this year. What a gift!
I didn't have a pen on hand that I like. I am adamant to write with blue ink when it is for personal or pleasure use. And I don't like the pen to be smooth grip, or medium point. The only blue pens on my truck now are slick bics or a Pilot knock off with a broken plastic sheath. So the pen bent at the tip, wobbling as I wrote and I kept noticing it. Annoyed. Wow. I am really cranky, lol.
I chose the topic Free Writing because just those words make me smile.... okay, they make me grin and internally giggle. I feel the corners of my eyes crinkling and my heart gets skippy in a happy beat. This is a result of when I first "discovered" the term, I asked three people I trust to tell me what all the buzz was about. And all three of them laughed at me, or should I say, with me? I was sheepish to ask. They all three got sparkles of good humor, that radiated out in their reply. I can not rein in a a goofy giggle in my heart to think of the phrase "free writing". So I chose a subject that both infuriates me and makes me laugh. That's a typical experience right now, in the exact SECOND I am living.
Whew, that was wandering. My mind is doing a lot of that drifting stuff lately. ANYWAY! What I came up with in the free writing exercise in ten minutes was just exactly how much TEN MINUTES costs or affects. And YES!! That is my anxiety! That is my "fail". That is what is twisting and turning me into knots. As I defined it in my ramblings today, this ten minute exercise is JUST ANOTHER item to add to my "Things To Be Done" list.
Ten minutes by itself is a small number. That's only 600 seconds out of a year.
But when the "LIST" keeps tacking STUFF on every day?
Or when items really should be given more than ten minutes to be adequate?
I'm overwhelmed and out of time before I begin.
I failed.
Sigh.....
10 minutes to pray.
10 minutes to breathe.
10 minutes to meditate.
10 minutes to read.
10 minutes to write.
10 minutes to exercise.
10 minutes to love.
10 minutes to serve.
10 minutes to give.
Many of those on that list above should have 30-60 minutes- EACH AND EVERY DAY!!
Yet, just at the bare bones? Before breakfast or a shower? It's already 90 minutes, or one and a half hours of my exact 24 hours a day.
Each advocate says their exercise is the one necessary to be life-changing or meaningful. As it all adds up, I feel the weight of my shortcomings on my soul. I feel the strain to add even one more routine to my unstructured work and lifestyle. See? In doing the exercise, I almost talked myself out of doing, while still in the process of doing it.
Confused yet? Here's another one for you. I am not into jokes that find their humor in degrading or injuring another. One of the rare exceptions so far, has been an NPR Radio show on Saturdays called, "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me." I find it to be funny, a bit risque, and yet, somewhat a funny way to present portions of truthful events. I live in a technical era that offers so many ways to get the gratification I search for. If my laptop internet streams too slow for live-streaming? If SiriusXM doesn't have it? The new Android most likely has it somewhere.
My EVO has an application called "Tune In Pro" that allows me to search and tap into live streams of radio WORLDWIDE. I can listen now, record these to listen to later, fast forward, rewind, etc. I can search by title of a program, local station, genre, or just by letting the Android tell me what is on. Over 5,000 options. By the way, even for a multi-tasker like me? That is 4, 999 more radion stations than I can enjoy at one time!
I knew August 20, 2011 was Saturday. Where was my NPR radio show? I made it my agenda to LAUGH dammit. Man! I ended up being thwarted in every corner and aggravated at trying to find what I put my hopes on to make me laugh! Aiyiyiyi!
The program is contingent upon good cell phone signal coverage. And my opinion? Sprint has the absolute lousiest coverage of all the providers! As I drive on my job, I am forever having to reboot my Sprint computer aircard for my laptop and my cell phone to get back in the stream. How annoying!
If I am recording on Tune In? Well, it gets a burp in the stored program every time I lose signal or have to reboot. Yesterday? I swear it seemed like every time it was a punchline to a joke, or an answer to a question? A wrinkle in time and I lost signal!!! Grrrr.
So, I had a brainstorm!!! This is at least a nationwide NPR program. I could find it in, say, Pacific time zone and program it to record for later. Meanwhile, I stumbled upon podcasts of "Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me" with weekly dates up to August 13th.
FINALLY!!! This is where I found humor to make up for the humorous radio I was being gypped of! Here is my punchline - " Next week's podcast will be last week's broadcast copy of today's show."
I simply need to be patient 604,800 seconds until this time next week, to hear today's show.
It failed to humor me then, that all of the podcasts are new material to me, since I just discovered them yesterday.
To sum this all up, as I can feel my steam is seeping out? The "Do XXXXX or you will fail, Jan" comes from my work on my job as a truck driver. It was when I was a lease operator and my aggressive driver manager pushed his equally aggressive driver (me) to succeed in the business model.
450 miles a day or you will fail, Jan.
750 miles on Monday, did not excuse a 350 mile day on Tuesday. To the pair of us? I had shown I had the potential for a 750 mile day each and every time.
It also goes back to a phrase I heard all through my growing up years. "You are falling so far below your potential. What a waste."... well, somehow, that didn't motivate me to "SHOW THEM",,, it eventually came to, "Well, FINE, I won't fricking ever be good enough anyway, so I aint gonna bust a gut trying this time either."
Today, I refuse to fall into that trap or lie!!!
I end up leaning more to the "450 miles a day or you will fail" mentality.
Push myself to my edge, then tomorrow? Strive to BETTER MY BEST.
This can be a powerful tool to spur me onward. Right now though, it is making me tired to my core of always falling just short of the mark I set in my own path. Especially since I do not control many aspects of trucking business.
The only parts I do control? MY alarm clock, my calendar, my time spent attending to the driving, the fewer, shorter stops better.
I am watching my life pass by at 62 mph in a huff of sick diesel fumes.
Currently, I have an agressive driver manager again. This man does not believe he needs to consult me when he plans my loads. He expects me to go when and where I am told, when he tells me to do so. This grates on my every last nerve.
I am an intelligent, thinking, rational human being and I can choose when and where, how and what route to go,,, as long as the WHY is covered,,, which is simple - safe! on time! pick up and delivery! professional, attentive customer service at my own HIGH STANDARD.
The driver manager discovered I will run my heart out. So he has gotten a bad habit of planning me back to back, grueling, very tight deadlines that "rescue" loads and drive his/my miles up per week. It pays to have me on a fleet. It pays me to have a manager like him behind me. Together? We are killing my desire to keep going on!
This week? I pushed HARD out of the gate! Almost immediately, circumstances caused me to sit 20 hours UNPRODUCTIVE, then "help me out",,, so I ran hard and furious to back his play.
Got to the next one? He has booked me back to back, no wiggle room. I had better plan on a tailwind to push my truck 63 mph, and not drink any water that day.
Get almost to the destination (projected on time, btw) and he slings me to rescue another driver's load, who is already TWO fricking hours late.
I have remained in that 1-2 hour late status the rest of the week. You can't make it up.
i am failing at my job. Just as I failed to not overthink free writing. Just as I failed to see how in God's green earth I can add ONE MORE 10 minute routine to my day!!!!!!!!!!
Will I get relief? COUNT ON IT! Will I perservere? Yep! Will I get righted and get on top of my own work ethic? You bet your A$$.
Right now? I have 100 minutes. That's 6,000 seconds left before I have to blast off on a Sunday to commence today's effort to catch up from the hell hole of "failures" of last week. How I spend that finite, exact, specific allotment of "time"?
Is up to me.
Getting off the computer to find a way to raise my emotions, my vibrations and my attitude?
Count on it,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
3,600 seconds in an hour/ 24 hours in a day.
86, 400 seconds in a day/ 7 days in a week.
604, 800 seconds in a week/ 52 weeks in a year.
31, 449, 600 seconds in a year.
That's what my mind has managed to boil my existence down to at this moment.
31, 449, 600 seconds in a year. I can not add seconds to the regular 365 days a year. If I live the entire year from beginning to ending, I can not actually reduce the number of seconds. The question is never really in how many seconds I have left to use in my lifetime of seconds, minutes, days, weeks, years, but rather how did I spend that exact factual numbered supply? I actively control or affect the latter.
As a person, I describe myself as passionate, on fire, shaking and baking, busy, invigorated, optimistic, emotional, loving, driven, tenacious, forgiving, intelligent, motivated, inspired, always learning, dynamic, curious, open, tender, giving, serving, full of gratitude. I know that list is not focussing on grammar or form. It is more important to me to spit a whale out of the pit of my tummy right now than it is to make it come to sense to anyone, but me! I need a moment of my own clarity and understanding. I'M WORKING ON IT!!!
I've prayed about it. Meditated. Read material. Written. Practiced free-writing just prior to this stint at the computer. I've slept on it, dreamed of it, or tossed and turned over it.
The concept of free writing is something that results in several thoughts tumbling from me at once. Today, I looked "free writing" up online again and chose an educational, no frills site. Then I decided to follow their format. This included setting a timer, not stopping, not editing, not judging, and choosing a topic to write about. In my own off beat sense of humor? I chose "Free Writing" as the topic. Why? I was curious what would come up?
I am into the details of how and why. That is a bit annoying at times like free writing, praying, meditating, etc. I know why I do this. It came up several times this past week. I heard myself saying in my head, or even muttering out loud, "Damn! I was set up to fall short on this. That's going to show as a "fail". Fail is an angry word in my vocabulary. I HATE TO FAIL. If you do this, Jan, you will fail."
I have had a lot of exposure to old concepts that came to me in fresh ways this past 11 months. Some of it is so simple, it was hard. Some of it was hidden among the stuff of life. Some of it I was conditioned to get over it, move on. Some of it, I just accepted, tired of bucking the flow upstream. Some of it, habit or traditions held me bound. Some of it religion or dogma put fear in my spirit and I stayed shy away from either the Unknown, or the unsafe.
Some of it was brand spanking new to me, some of it I just kept pushing back, staying in my roll with the flow mode that gets me through all kinds of life drama or issues. That last one, rolling with the flow, is a survival tool I've had to engage, seems like all my life. Just get through it, move on, and hope I learned a thing or two?
As a person, I get very uptight thinking that I might fail, and it sometimes causes the very thing I am worrying over. The concept I recognized this year was "what you reflect out of you, is what you attract to you." Even as I type this, my stomach is roiling, my jaw is clamped, my hands keep clenching, my posture is slumped and my eyes keep drifting off screen.
The day is beautiful in Central Florida, but my focus is lax and I think it keeps trying to protect me, to push me back just under an alarming level? The fact I can't focus even is ticking me off, and I see I am going in circles. "Failing" again. This time to sort out or stay on a topic. Just as I wrote that? I huffed an angry growl that would have smoked my laptop into an incendiary heap of smoldering ash if I was a dragon. UGH! I have been in and out of that stage of an aggravated huff for quite a while now!!!
Here is a bit of my shot gun spray of angst. Some of it came out in my free writing exercise. As I wrote most of it? I noticed myself pushing my way through to humor. That's another survival tool. If you can laugh about a situation? It may not be as bad as you once thought, it might relax if it is bad, and you can definitely ease up and get into the "roll with the flow" stage if you can laugh about it.
As I was free writing? My mind was still so uptight, it kept telling me "you can't edit it , per the "RULES", so don't screw it up the first time to begin with. Just keep it light, so you can keep moving. Don't get serious or grey. Don't fail this too, Hooper!"
hmmmm... is that a sign of something more deeply ominous? All week I referred to myself by an old name, my maiden name. Hmmm?
To free write? I paid careful attention up front to "get everything right". I located looseleaf paper. I found me a lid to a storage unit to use as a desktop. I found the timer function on my EVO and even restarted it. I wanted to set it for ten minutes, but I got edgy that pushing the start took up my seconds. So I actually set it for 10 minutes, 30 seconds, to give me time to turn and address my paper. I fidgeted with the Sirius Xm selections.
I love classical and symphonic music, but I found myself grooving to the beat. If anything had voice? I was straining to decipher it. I settled in with cool jazz, only every 5th song or so has any lyrics to it. The station is called Watercolors, and when I think of that word, I think of light shades of blue, watery, mixxing and fading across a clean canvas. Beginning to drip, swirl, tilt.. blend. That seemed a good moodsetting for writing.
Finally, I stopped all that bustle and I truly did the three deliberate, slow breaths that I learned this year. What a gift!
I didn't have a pen on hand that I like. I am adamant to write with blue ink when it is for personal or pleasure use. And I don't like the pen to be smooth grip, or medium point. The only blue pens on my truck now are slick bics or a Pilot knock off with a broken plastic sheath. So the pen bent at the tip, wobbling as I wrote and I kept noticing it. Annoyed. Wow. I am really cranky, lol.
I chose the topic Free Writing because just those words make me smile.... okay, they make me grin and internally giggle. I feel the corners of my eyes crinkling and my heart gets skippy in a happy beat. This is a result of when I first "discovered" the term, I asked three people I trust to tell me what all the buzz was about. And all three of them laughed at me, or should I say, with me? I was sheepish to ask. They all three got sparkles of good humor, that radiated out in their reply. I can not rein in a a goofy giggle in my heart to think of the phrase "free writing". So I chose a subject that both infuriates me and makes me laugh. That's a typical experience right now, in the exact SECOND I am living.
Whew, that was wandering. My mind is doing a lot of that drifting stuff lately. ANYWAY! What I came up with in the free writing exercise in ten minutes was just exactly how much TEN MINUTES costs or affects. And YES!! That is my anxiety! That is my "fail". That is what is twisting and turning me into knots. As I defined it in my ramblings today, this ten minute exercise is JUST ANOTHER item to add to my "Things To Be Done" list.
Ten minutes by itself is a small number. That's only 600 seconds out of a year.
But when the "LIST" keeps tacking STUFF on every day?
Or when items really should be given more than ten minutes to be adequate?
I'm overwhelmed and out of time before I begin.
I failed.
Sigh.....
10 minutes to pray.
10 minutes to breathe.
10 minutes to meditate.
10 minutes to read.
10 minutes to write.
10 minutes to exercise.
10 minutes to love.
10 minutes to serve.
10 minutes to give.
Many of those on that list above should have 30-60 minutes- EACH AND EVERY DAY!!
Yet, just at the bare bones? Before breakfast or a shower? It's already 90 minutes, or one and a half hours of my exact 24 hours a day.
Each advocate says their exercise is the one necessary to be life-changing or meaningful. As it all adds up, I feel the weight of my shortcomings on my soul. I feel the strain to add even one more routine to my unstructured work and lifestyle. See? In doing the exercise, I almost talked myself out of doing, while still in the process of doing it.
Confused yet? Here's another one for you. I am not into jokes that find their humor in degrading or injuring another. One of the rare exceptions so far, has been an NPR Radio show on Saturdays called, "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me." I find it to be funny, a bit risque, and yet, somewhat a funny way to present portions of truthful events. I live in a technical era that offers so many ways to get the gratification I search for. If my laptop internet streams too slow for live-streaming? If SiriusXM doesn't have it? The new Android most likely has it somewhere.
My EVO has an application called "Tune In Pro" that allows me to search and tap into live streams of radio WORLDWIDE. I can listen now, record these to listen to later, fast forward, rewind, etc. I can search by title of a program, local station, genre, or just by letting the Android tell me what is on. Over 5,000 options. By the way, even for a multi-tasker like me? That is 4, 999 more radion stations than I can enjoy at one time!
I knew August 20, 2011 was Saturday. Where was my NPR radio show? I made it my agenda to LAUGH dammit. Man! I ended up being thwarted in every corner and aggravated at trying to find what I put my hopes on to make me laugh! Aiyiyiyi!
The program is contingent upon good cell phone signal coverage. And my opinion? Sprint has the absolute lousiest coverage of all the providers! As I drive on my job, I am forever having to reboot my Sprint computer aircard for my laptop and my cell phone to get back in the stream. How annoying!
If I am recording on Tune In? Well, it gets a burp in the stored program every time I lose signal or have to reboot. Yesterday? I swear it seemed like every time it was a punchline to a joke, or an answer to a question? A wrinkle in time and I lost signal!!! Grrrr.
So, I had a brainstorm!!! This is at least a nationwide NPR program. I could find it in, say, Pacific time zone and program it to record for later. Meanwhile, I stumbled upon podcasts of "Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me" with weekly dates up to August 13th.
FINALLY!!! This is where I found humor to make up for the humorous radio I was being gypped of! Here is my punchline - " Next week's podcast will be last week's broadcast copy of today's show."
I simply need to be patient 604,800 seconds until this time next week, to hear today's show.
It failed to humor me then, that all of the podcasts are new material to me, since I just discovered them yesterday.
To sum this all up, as I can feel my steam is seeping out? The "Do XXXXX or you will fail, Jan" comes from my work on my job as a truck driver. It was when I was a lease operator and my aggressive driver manager pushed his equally aggressive driver (me) to succeed in the business model.
450 miles a day or you will fail, Jan.
750 miles on Monday, did not excuse a 350 mile day on Tuesday. To the pair of us? I had shown I had the potential for a 750 mile day each and every time.
It also goes back to a phrase I heard all through my growing up years. "You are falling so far below your potential. What a waste."... well, somehow, that didn't motivate me to "SHOW THEM",,, it eventually came to, "Well, FINE, I won't fricking ever be good enough anyway, so I aint gonna bust a gut trying this time either."
Today, I refuse to fall into that trap or lie!!!
I end up leaning more to the "450 miles a day or you will fail" mentality.
Push myself to my edge, then tomorrow? Strive to BETTER MY BEST.
This can be a powerful tool to spur me onward. Right now though, it is making me tired to my core of always falling just short of the mark I set in my own path. Especially since I do not control many aspects of trucking business.
The only parts I do control? MY alarm clock, my calendar, my time spent attending to the driving, the fewer, shorter stops better.
I am watching my life pass by at 62 mph in a huff of sick diesel fumes.
Currently, I have an agressive driver manager again. This man does not believe he needs to consult me when he plans my loads. He expects me to go when and where I am told, when he tells me to do so. This grates on my every last nerve.
I am an intelligent, thinking, rational human being and I can choose when and where, how and what route to go,,, as long as the WHY is covered,,, which is simple - safe! on time! pick up and delivery! professional, attentive customer service at my own HIGH STANDARD.
The driver manager discovered I will run my heart out. So he has gotten a bad habit of planning me back to back, grueling, very tight deadlines that "rescue" loads and drive his/my miles up per week. It pays to have me on a fleet. It pays me to have a manager like him behind me. Together? We are killing my desire to keep going on!
This week? I pushed HARD out of the gate! Almost immediately, circumstances caused me to sit 20 hours UNPRODUCTIVE, then "help me out",,, so I ran hard and furious to back his play.
Got to the next one? He has booked me back to back, no wiggle room. I had better plan on a tailwind to push my truck 63 mph, and not drink any water that day.
Get almost to the destination (projected on time, btw) and he slings me to rescue another driver's load, who is already TWO fricking hours late.
I have remained in that 1-2 hour late status the rest of the week. You can't make it up.
i am failing at my job. Just as I failed to not overthink free writing. Just as I failed to see how in God's green earth I can add ONE MORE 10 minute routine to my day!!!!!!!!!!
Will I get relief? COUNT ON IT! Will I perservere? Yep! Will I get righted and get on top of my own work ethic? You bet your A$$.
Right now? I have 100 minutes. That's 6,000 seconds left before I have to blast off on a Sunday to commence today's effort to catch up from the hell hole of "failures" of last week. How I spend that finite, exact, specific allotment of "time"?
Is up to me.
Getting off the computer to find a way to raise my emotions, my vibrations and my attitude?
Count on it,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
How Many Cups Do I Need At One Time?
I am choosing gratitude.
There are circumstances this week that concern me. If I let myself, I could spent my finite minutes stressing in worry and expending my resources trying to bend the outward world to fit my preferences. At times, it is a lot of work to remember to shift my thoughts or attitudes to being grateful and rolling with the flow. Whatever time I get afforded to me, will not return again. It's up to me to make it memorable and worthy.
This past weekend at my home town and church blessings poured in a turbulent flow of incoming and outgoing experiences. I was able to rest often on the beach, with friends as well as moments of peaceful solitude, and to attend both Sunday church services. God is amazing all the time and this past weekend was very inspiring to be a part of the miraculous and Holy Ghost explosions.
I had let certain priorities slip. I had allowed my focus to drift from the main thing. It's when I experienced peace and unity again, umerited favor and grace, that I realised THIS is the missing piece when I am apart for any length of time. My heart filled with the love. Already, I began to long to return..
God is everywhere. He is all things. My particular niche, though, is among people that love and protect me. There is so much work to do for others, no matter where we go. I can be of service locally in a focused way just as I can scatter abroad.
It's common for me to desire a home or roots.
Today I choose to be grateful for the moments I have already had. I choose to accept and be thankful for my week as it unfolds. This present moment is the only one I have any control over. Even then, it is often just control of my attitude that I actually affect.
I do hope to get back home this weekend. But I chose to be thankful for a driver manager that is aggressive and has his own agenda. There are times his work ethic assists my own drive to excel. I must be thankful for his role at all times, not just when it is looking good in my own eyes.
My daughter sent me a photo of my grandson yesterday. Two men were teasing him in a line at WalMart. Jeremiah is one years old. He can not yet discern what is real, what is important, what is lasting, what is necessary. The photo shows him holding a blue and a green cup. His facial expression screams "MINE!". He cannot drink of both cups at once. He did not look willing to surrender either to the neighbors.
Every now and then when I get cranky at the world around me, when it doesn't move in the direction or speed I deem is best, or when I rely on other people that see things altogether differently than I do? I act like a child with two cups, both mine. I want it all. I tell myself this is so I can give it away. Right now, I wonder if it is because I am being selfish for the moment?
Today? I am choosing to be in a state of gratitude for the one who fills my cups to overflowing and abundance.
Thanking God,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
There are circumstances this week that concern me. If I let myself, I could spent my finite minutes stressing in worry and expending my resources trying to bend the outward world to fit my preferences. At times, it is a lot of work to remember to shift my thoughts or attitudes to being grateful and rolling with the flow. Whatever time I get afforded to me, will not return again. It's up to me to make it memorable and worthy.
This past weekend at my home town and church blessings poured in a turbulent flow of incoming and outgoing experiences. I was able to rest often on the beach, with friends as well as moments of peaceful solitude, and to attend both Sunday church services. God is amazing all the time and this past weekend was very inspiring to be a part of the miraculous and Holy Ghost explosions.
I had let certain priorities slip. I had allowed my focus to drift from the main thing. It's when I experienced peace and unity again, umerited favor and grace, that I realised THIS is the missing piece when I am apart for any length of time. My heart filled with the love. Already, I began to long to return..
God is everywhere. He is all things. My particular niche, though, is among people that love and protect me. There is so much work to do for others, no matter where we go. I can be of service locally in a focused way just as I can scatter abroad.
It's common for me to desire a home or roots.
Today I choose to be grateful for the moments I have already had. I choose to accept and be thankful for my week as it unfolds. This present moment is the only one I have any control over. Even then, it is often just control of my attitude that I actually affect.
I do hope to get back home this weekend. But I chose to be thankful for a driver manager that is aggressive and has his own agenda. There are times his work ethic assists my own drive to excel. I must be thankful for his role at all times, not just when it is looking good in my own eyes.
My daughter sent me a photo of my grandson yesterday. Two men were teasing him in a line at WalMart. Jeremiah is one years old. He can not yet discern what is real, what is important, what is lasting, what is necessary. The photo shows him holding a blue and a green cup. His facial expression screams "MINE!". He cannot drink of both cups at once. He did not look willing to surrender either to the neighbors.
Every now and then when I get cranky at the world around me, when it doesn't move in the direction or speed I deem is best, or when I rely on other people that see things altogether differently than I do? I act like a child with two cups, both mine. I want it all. I tell myself this is so I can give it away. Right now, I wonder if it is because I am being selfish for the moment?
Today? I am choosing to be in a state of gratitude for the one who fills my cups to overflowing and abundance.
Thanking God,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Reaching That Place
As all manner of Life anniversaries and milestones assail me during the late Spring and Summer months, I am reminded of all my many blessings and gifts in this life. From birthdays to wedding anniversaries, service years, dates important people joined or left my life stream, it is all very new and fresh this year. August is one of those months full of anniversaries.
I know people tend to look at my life and have one of two opinions. Either they think I am the coolest cat with the best job ever, and they are right. I am and I do :) Or they feel sorry I am alone, no residence, no one close to me. They are right in the facts of that reality, but I view all of those results as their own blessings for various reasons.
2010- Present day, I learn more every day how to simplify my life, how to enrich the lives that come in contact with mine, and how to find the blessing in everything. I'm an optimist by nature and it doesn't take much for me to settle down, breathe calmly and see God is in control and that I am amply blessed in favor.
All of this gentle acceptance of my life and learning to date leads me to a place of rest in my Spirit. I am calmer, happier, more grateful, as well as exercising forgiveness more readily to myself and others. The most recent developments are allowing love and other gifts to flow in and out of me less hindered. A consummate student of Life, there is much yet to learn or experience. The forward progress thrills me immensely.
One area that surely needs polishing is my lack of patience with things I cannot control such as my work dispatches in the fickle job of transportation with all its myriad of variables, weather, or relying on other people. I really wrestle with tolerance of stupid, and try to surrender the stressfull need of fixxing everything to follow the frame I design. Smiling, I am a work in progress.
A very specific area of great improvement in my life has been choosing to simplify. If a person is not inspiring, loving, enriching, motivating, or encouraging? If I am not offering those same traits to them? Then I examine closely to see why they are on my contact list. Life is too short to live with any abuse or disrespect of my value or time. Also, in the Fall months, I will be culling my storage units. If it hasn't been used in the recent months? ( this is 99% of the contents) Pass it along to charities that could pair it with those who need it. This will reduce my resources of time, money, travel, and worry being expended on a life that is founded in the Past.
All of the above paragraph is taking serious work for me to examine and reach a place of calm or acceptance. Day by day, I grow in God's nurturing plan. Being blessed with abundance is a gift, filtering that bounty through love is a privilege.
These musings bring me to Today. I am on the edge of being soul weary again. I am the only person in charge of how I react. Therefore, I am not going to make plans with anyone to do anything on the next time off I get. I'm in position work-wise to get to my car in SoFL - - - sometime this weekend. It's nice that people want to include me in BBQs, reunions, visiting church services, etc, but if I have to drive more than 20 minutes to arrive? Then I am losing some of the pleasure in the gift.
Making a command decision, I informed my friends that I will not drive in my personal car almost 500 miles roundtrip on 2 days off duty from my semi truck. I hope everyone understands, I am grateful for the overflow of blessings. Instead of filling my days, I hope to rest and foster the recharging of my batteries on my next time off, whenever that occurs. This powerful choice releases the pressure cooker to force elements of Time and driving trucks under Dispatch that I do not have control over into conforming to my overloaded personal schedule.
There are TWO METEOR SHOWERS pelting the summer skies right now!!! I can easily imagine a sultry August night in the next few days, lying on the Atlantic beachline, with nothing more pressing than counting earthgrazers on my mind! If it happens this way? Great! If it does not? The meteors are still zipping, I will continue viewing them from my current location.
I am also in need of time under God's unfathomable skies to DANCE!!!!
I'm embracing my growth into a place of tolerance, love, peace, gratitude and renewal. How my heart sings!
Reaching that place,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
I know people tend to look at my life and have one of two opinions. Either they think I am the coolest cat with the best job ever, and they are right. I am and I do :) Or they feel sorry I am alone, no residence, no one close to me. They are right in the facts of that reality, but I view all of those results as their own blessings for various reasons.
2010- Present day, I learn more every day how to simplify my life, how to enrich the lives that come in contact with mine, and how to find the blessing in everything. I'm an optimist by nature and it doesn't take much for me to settle down, breathe calmly and see God is in control and that I am amply blessed in favor.
All of this gentle acceptance of my life and learning to date leads me to a place of rest in my Spirit. I am calmer, happier, more grateful, as well as exercising forgiveness more readily to myself and others. The most recent developments are allowing love and other gifts to flow in and out of me less hindered. A consummate student of Life, there is much yet to learn or experience. The forward progress thrills me immensely.
One area that surely needs polishing is my lack of patience with things I cannot control such as my work dispatches in the fickle job of transportation with all its myriad of variables, weather, or relying on other people. I really wrestle with tolerance of stupid, and try to surrender the stressfull need of fixxing everything to follow the frame I design. Smiling, I am a work in progress.
A very specific area of great improvement in my life has been choosing to simplify. If a person is not inspiring, loving, enriching, motivating, or encouraging? If I am not offering those same traits to them? Then I examine closely to see why they are on my contact list. Life is too short to live with any abuse or disrespect of my value or time. Also, in the Fall months, I will be culling my storage units. If it hasn't been used in the recent months? ( this is 99% of the contents) Pass it along to charities that could pair it with those who need it. This will reduce my resources of time, money, travel, and worry being expended on a life that is founded in the Past.
All of the above paragraph is taking serious work for me to examine and reach a place of calm or acceptance. Day by day, I grow in God's nurturing plan. Being blessed with abundance is a gift, filtering that bounty through love is a privilege.
These musings bring me to Today. I am on the edge of being soul weary again. I am the only person in charge of how I react. Therefore, I am not going to make plans with anyone to do anything on the next time off I get. I'm in position work-wise to get to my car in SoFL - - - sometime this weekend. It's nice that people want to include me in BBQs, reunions, visiting church services, etc, but if I have to drive more than 20 minutes to arrive? Then I am losing some of the pleasure in the gift.
Making a command decision, I informed my friends that I will not drive in my personal car almost 500 miles roundtrip on 2 days off duty from my semi truck. I hope everyone understands, I am grateful for the overflow of blessings. Instead of filling my days, I hope to rest and foster the recharging of my batteries on my next time off, whenever that occurs. This powerful choice releases the pressure cooker to force elements of Time and driving trucks under Dispatch that I do not have control over into conforming to my overloaded personal schedule.
There are TWO METEOR SHOWERS pelting the summer skies right now!!! I can easily imagine a sultry August night in the next few days, lying on the Atlantic beachline, with nothing more pressing than counting earthgrazers on my mind! If it happens this way? Great! If it does not? The meteors are still zipping, I will continue viewing them from my current location.
I am also in need of time under God's unfathomable skies to DANCE!!!!
I'm embracing my growth into a place of tolerance, love, peace, gratitude and renewal. How my heart sings!
Reaching that place,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)