When Sunrise Turned Into sunset.....

Appalachian Sunrise 

The need to Process, free write, blow off steam, organize and sort is literally burning with a fire and heavy weight in my chest. The title is not a typo, as I know grammar very well. The lower case "S" in sunset is symbolic and will be revealed soon enough.

One thing that is beautiful in self-awareness, deliberate choice, and accountability is the similararity to God's grace to His children.  That is, if you fall down, screw up, lose your way? You CAN choose to dust off, realign and get back up on the horse that threw you.  Since 2010, I've learned there is freedom and power in my CHOICE and decisions.

There is a new countdown in the works. Some of my closest friends and family are already "In the Know". To some, I am hiding in plain sight and you still won't "get it". And to some, I am merely waiting until the "I could have had a V8 Moment" pops you on the forehead.

A few facts and the way they affect me on a daily basis - I have been single for most of the past 14 years. There were Chapters where I danced with a partner.... but by and large? On my own.  My girls grew up and became strong, independant and wonderful women.... finding their own wings in the world.  Freedom comes with a price ~

With my CDL-A in July 2007, I have had adventure, lessons, and opportunities that astound and humble me.  A high school drop out, fairly intelligent, drifting, curious, dynamic, I've driven my semi in all 48 states and Canada, get paid to travel, met new people and share Light along the way.

May 2010, I was blessed during May of Miracles at my home church, the Pentecostals Of Cooper City in south Florida with THREE commercial vehicle operator jobs in one day!! After consideration with my pastor, chose Heartland Express. May 2014 was my 4 year service anniversary and it is going stronger all the time!  So grateful!!!

By the August of 2010, my lease on my apartment in SoFL ran out, I made the decision that was right for me - put my household into storage and live solely off my semi truck. Low cost, fluid of movement, available to Life and what new adventures it might hold.

The truth is never far from my mind though - - - No job?  No semi??  No work??? NO HOME!!!

The part of me that still to this day CRAVES the stability of a home, family, partner... the nesting and nurturing part of the silly smiling girl inside of me? I am  stressed and worried every time I turn in my truck to take vacation, every time I make a mistake and fear for my job.... and it makes me stay, even if it's in a rut, a whole lot longer than I might,,, just because I KNOW what a blessing it is to have this roof over my head, climate control, modern features etc.

This next part comes from my heart. If I were to be in person and say it? Some people would "get it". Some would fluff it off. Some would argue. Some would work to meet me in the middle....  so here goes:  By choice, by design, and by lifestyle, I am solo. I live alone. Work alone. Have holiday, birthdays, anniversaries alone.  I play alone. I explore alone. I worship God alone....  and so on.

It has come to my notice that I have "text message" friendships.

Just in the past two days, I have had more PHONE CALLS, in person meetings over meals and long heart to heart conversations than I did the entire previous month or more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And in the past 2 weeks, I have seen more of my friends in person and spent quality time than I have in MONTHS.

This is a condition of my lifestyle.  It is a conscious choice. But it is also not really where I authentically want to be in my life.

In the recent phone chats, I told longtime, faithful friends another truth.  I drive 10-11 hours every shift. 500-600 miles a day. All weather, all terrain, all traffic, all times of year.

When I take official Time Off? The *LAST* thing I want to do is trade my semi truck for a car and drive 200 miles or more one way to have dinner with a friend, etc.

YES!  Sometimes I do just that!  And the blessings outweigh the sacrifice.

But can you see where that may not be very resting, or recharging?

I went from this...

   to this!

Each and every one of my friends, and strangers along my path are worth every second of the very most pure and best attention I can give them!! God has poured SOOOOOO much into me, and to whom much is given, much is required.

Look at it this way ---- when you first notice a tickle, or scratchy throat?  Or an ache, like a low fever.  What's the first thing you instinctively do?  You change your diet, fluid intake, start pumping up your Immune System, add water and rest, you wash more frequently to ward off disease, and try to back away from others to protect them and to minimize your exposure until you are Top Notch again.

Our bodies, God's Creation is so fearfully and wonderfully made!!!

The same Fight Or Flight is true energetically.

I could stop right there. That last line said it all.....  sit with it a minute.....

.... wait for it.....

.... breathe.....

Energetically, I tuck and roll.  I have had some of the very WORST mankind can throw at me. And some of the best. In every turn, God has taken my mess and made it into my Message. He's taken every test, and turned  it into my Testimony. He's taken everything the enemy meant to harm me, and turned it into my Greater Good.  And so, I roll back to my feet, dust off, hide behind blue eyes, grin and move on.

Deliberately.

I have what some people dream of - - -A job I love, a freedom, an income, a happy go lucky lifestyle....

With work? I am often physically exhausted. I get the privilege of working 70 hour weeks.  This overlaps day and night shifts in a constant, never ending roll.  I don't get to stop the truck to exercise, eat, rest, worship, or even just to walk a few minutes. I've been driving to my limits, pulling over, parking and never even getting out of the truck, I go lay down.  Wake up tired and in pain, and start the cycle again.  Why?! Yet, you gotta know? ???  I am aware how blessed to have a job at all, and to enjoy it, and make a substantial income  is a matter I am FULL of GRATITUDE and running over.

Upon realizing my friendships have become "text message" and impersonal?  Brief and random?  I also noticed something that weighs me down:  As a whole, people talk about what is WRONG in their world. They bust out with the negatives, the things that make them mad, sad, or uncomfortable.

Even though I am exceptionally sunny and optimistic as a person? It's all too easy to fall into the rut of imitating or commiserating. In other words, now I find myself talking about my aches, my pains, my stresses...  it comes out in conversations like this, "Oh yeah? You think that was bad? Let me tell you MY terrible experience. Trust me. Mine is worse than yours, so you should be grateful."

SAY WHAT?!?!?!

The Lion inside me just shook her head, yawned, extended her claws and gave out a healthy ROOOOOAR of indignation!!!!

JAN!!! STOP!!!!!  redirect!!!!!!!!!!!

I find myself so tired, so weary in body and spirit.  So drained emotionally and energetically.


So NOPE!  I don't want  to see anyone! Ever! I draw inside and think "more sleep, more work, more time alone" will fix me.

In reality, a piece of me dies inside.  A moment passes, and Time that I will never get back is *POOF!  Gone!  This grieves me....

... Time kept going while I flounder in a rut... my friends move on.... their circumstances ride the roller coaster.... and I've lost precious Time to show God's love. To be of service... to be God's hands, feet and voice,,, all while I have to work double time to reorganize my thoughts and attitudes.

Lately, I've told a few people that I trust,,, that I need to back up a bit. I need some "space" ((( sounds weird  - hello! You're by yourself!))).... I need a break....

The realization is this : I can and will remain available to listen, to be there, to understand if someone is struggling or riding out a rough patch. I can and will hug, hold your hand, look you in the eyes, and absorb the energy of tears, laughter and emotions....

 But I need to correct my attitude. I need to emotionally, physically, and spiritually recharge.  It's time to get alone with God and to purge all the anxiety, sadness and disarray... to give it all to Him again.

That's what I LOVE about God giving humans free will.  We can CHOOSE to look up, to seek Him, and to allow God to be in control..... we can also choose to stay in the negatives surrounding our external circumstances... but happily, we can CHOOSE liberty and dominion.


In seven days, actual Changes, shifts and new beginnings will become apparent. Ironically, some of you already know what's coming. Some of you will miss it, letting Change slip right past your notice. And some of you will wonder when the dust settles? "What just happened here, cuz I didn't see that coming." even though I'm hiding in plain sight, currently covered among the stuff.  Like Gideon of the Old Testament... there are big changes coming up. And God is grooming me, pruning me, and shaping my Destiny!

When the new Chapter starts to pen the next page of my life story? I will be an even better woman, a better servant, a better friend, and better family, and a better person..... for YOU and for myself.

When Sunrise turns into sunset it is time to roll on~

~J~
Jan M. Olsen

The Who

"Behind Blue Eyes"

No one knows what it's like

To be the bad man

To be the sad man

Behind blue eyes

No one knows what it's like

To be hated

To be fated

To telling only lies

But my dreams

They aren't as empty

As my conscience seems to be

I have hours, only lonely

My love is vengeance

That's never free

No one knows what it's like

To feel these feelings

Like I do

And I blame you

No one bites back as hard

On their anger

None of my pain and woe

Can show through

But my dreams

They aren't as empty

As my conscience seems to be

I have hours, only lonely

My love is vengeance

That's never free

When my fist clenches, crack it open

Before I use it and lose my cool

When I smile, tell me some bad news

Before I laugh and act like a fool

If I swallow anything evil

Put your finger down my throat

If I shiver, please give me a blanket

Keep me warm, let me wear your coat

No one knows what it's like

To be the bad man

To be the sad man

Behind blue eyes

Smelling Flowers Along The Way

After a long, extra cold Winter, I am enjoying Spring and the South.  Whether it's the good sweet iced tea, or just the aw shucks, good manners? Loving being "home"...

Looking back over journals, emails, logs etc I see reminders of the Process.  Divorce itself was just a piece of paper after too many years of _______ (fill in the blank, because I don't care anymore.) However, Empty Nest was a maelstrom  of pain, loss, anger and my roots being ripped away.  It was like Spring, Summer and Fall were over and a blizzard of Winter ate me into barely hanging by a thread. Knowing most pains and seasons get better, but spending dark times wondering if I could hold up. 

Then shaking it off!  Getting my CDL, putting our lifetime of "Remember Whens" into storage units, getting a PO Box and a friend to let me use her home as a physical address for my license - - I flew into Dallas, TX in July 2007 to embark on something new, unexpected and a touch wild!

Somewhere along the Journey of the past decade and beyond, I lost myself, found someone new. Someone strong, independant, fearless in many ways.  I have learned to be excited by new opportunities, Change and the What Ifs.  Blessed to keep old friends and family, reunite with others, and to open my heart to the possibilities of new people, places and things.

Recently, I drove through the Maggie Valley area of the Great Smokey Mountains. As far back as 2004, Lewis and I drove up from Lake County Florida with my two girls to go snow skiing. We wanted to enjoy the girls being at home during their JR/SR high school years and find snow. 

Then, my very first expedition as a completely solo, lonely, broken single woman with Empty Nest, I rode my motorcycle from Lake County to camp 8 days in a tent in Deep Creek, near Bryson City, NC also in the Great Smokey Mountains National Park.  It was 22 degrees that October, but this Florida gal rode up to 12 hours a day enjoying Autumn, the Nantahala River, the  318 curves in 11 miles of the Dragon of Deal's Gap, the Blue Ridge Parkway... and just the mapping the trip, to the long ride up there.... Well?  I left a broken, drifting woman... and came back as the beginning of the stronger current version of myself.

Even getting my CDL and suddenly having more time off, more money, more travelling experiences?  I still see in my writings how LONELY I was. How I craved roots.  A home.  A companion. A family. As time went on, my dogs retired from travelling with me.  That is a very big hole still in me today. 

June 8, 2008 I prayed back through in Cooper City, Florida.  There I found such love, such hope... if God has a human face? There was patient love and concern at the church there. 

Over time, the loneliness has eased. Yes, still flare ups. Holidays are rough. Missing my girls like crazy. I suppose I still think about a companion... although, by now, I think a dog would be plenty.  And I am growing in the LORD, finding the servant's heart and giving of my affection, finances, attention to those I meet along the way. Staying connected through church, social media, and nurturing relationships with family and friends,,, when the easy way out would be to just stay in my own shell. Seems the "safer" way would be to keep to myself. 

But God has poured so much grace and mercy into me. I have a testimony. I am blessed with abundance - tangible and the unseen, unmeasurable. I encounter Love everywhere I go, and try to reflect that Light out again.  To be the hands, feet, voice,,, to be used of God. Truth - you can NOT outgive God!

Lately, my musings have begun to repeat themselves. WHERE DO I WANT TO LIVE? Where do I want to work?  Why am I doing any of this?  I suppose after 7 years out here, it's reasonable to want to question WHAT'S NEXT?

Just this past week, it felt like going "home" when I drove a load through Asheville, Sylva, Bryson City etc. Saw familiar stores, mom and pop diners, and familiar routes I explored on my motorcycle that Autumn of 2006. 

A new longing has been gnawing me - when I do take "Time Off" I want it to be in the wild, untamed mountains, rivers, and open lands.  South Florida is choking my spirit.  But where would I go to church? Park my motorcycle, car, boat, receive my mail if I leave the familiarity and church of South Florida?

Gosh, is it time to hold my nose and jump off the Deep End again?  The churning in my tummy lets me know I am on to something.  One chapter is sliding off the page,,, the new pages beckoning. 

Someone I trust said some very kind things about words I had shared.  They have stirred me so I am copying them here .

 "Dear Poet: I have been reading your words for a few years now.  This particular entry has sensuality without sex, love without obligation, and care without expectation.  It reads like a chapter from a beautiful "inspired by" biography. "

We write in the pages of the Life we have been given, we all do this. We Process in ways that are as varied  as we are individual.  My Go To is to write.  Sometimes I reach out, often, the old habits of tucking and rolling to protect myself kick in and I do not share. 

My friend's words stir affirmations in me. I like that he sees these traits in me, and plan to live up to them, if only for myself. To be the best version of myself that I can be.  Challenge accepted!

My Intention for 2014 was shared in private with my oldest daughter.  It was simply "To Love".  The deep explanation, is not just to love others more (the EASY PART!), but to allow others to love me.  Letting others pour what they have of talents, wishes, hopes and dreams into the mixing pot. Even when someone has nothing to offer in material measures of the world and our spoiled culture, if they love one another as Christ so loved? To open myself. To enjoy this world with others, on their Journeys.  The Flow of Giving and Receiving of insights, experiences, valuables unclogged from my fears and reticence.

To become vulnerable again after all these years of SELF: Determination, Reliance,  Provision, Love, Care.

I see the fruits of this awareness when I begin to experience  passions, such as a desire to live somewhere, to belong, to have roots, foundation and a base to support the  branches available to be by my job as an over the road truck driver.

That allowing LOVE in scares me? Signs like blinking neon that I am to move towards this unknown. 

I've stared into the abyss. I've wished for death, I've tread water. I've stepped out of my Comfort Zone. I've created, recreated and created myself over and again. 

It's just now that I see the sweet stirrings of Spring in my life as well as the natural world. From the pungent flowers, to the myriad colors, to the sounds of life around me, I am drawn out of my truck, my comfort, and my hiding place into the world around me. 

It's a lot like riding my motorcycle. Put the helmet on, create the environment, and let go! Blowing the cobwebs out, releasing tensions, trying new things, taking a "wrong" turn and letting Life show me her majesty! 

Years ago, I could not abide the bittersweet of Country music. Getting to where I can avoid the harsh pain and enjoy the hopeful happiness.  Reminded that Brad Paisley's "When I Get Where I'm Going" says what my words can not convey. "Yeah when I get where I'm goin,

There'll be only happy tears. I will shed the sins and struggles, I have carried all these years. And I'll leave my heart wide open, I will love and have no fear. Yeah when I get where I'm goin, Don't cry for me down here."

The link to Brad's YouTube video is here ---->>>   When I Get Where I'm Going

Writing my own story,

Janet M. Olsen

~J~

"When  Get Where I'm Going"

(Feat. Dolly Parton)
When I get where I'm going,
On the far side of the sky,
The first thing I'm gonna do
Is spread my wing and fly.

I'm gonna land beside a lion,
And run my fingers through his mane.
Or I might find out what its like,
To ride a drop of rain

(Chorus)
Yeah when I get where I'm goin,
There'll be only happy tears.
I will shed the sins and struggles 
I have carried all these years.
And I'll leave my heart wide open,
I will love and have no fear.
Yeah when I get where I'm goin,
Don't cry for me down here

I'm gonna walk with my grand daddy.
And he'll match me step for step.
And I'll tell him how I missed him
Every minute sence he left,
Then I'll hug his neck.

(Repeat chorus)

So much pain and so much darkness,
In this world we stumble through.
All these questions I can't answer,
And so much work to do

But when I get where I'm goin,
And I see my maker's face,
I'll stand forever in the light,
Of his amazing Grace.

Yeah when I get where I'm goin,
There'll be only happy tears.
I will love and have no fear.

Quest Day #2 - Virginia Is For Lovers

As I let go of my day by hiking in the foothills south of Lynchburg, Virginia, I wrote the first blog entry in a long time in my head. Let's see what I can type now. 

This is Day 2 of my being part of the One Fit Widow - QUEST group. Quest will begin my living a FIT and clean, healthy lifestyle. For me, it will include not just the physical well-being of exercise and weight loss, but soul searching into my attitude, mental, emotional, and spiritual man as well. QUEST and 1FW are a community made of real men and women living real lives in our current societies with all the challenges, struggles, opportunities, and tools available to most of us.

Yesterday, I walked about 2 miles. Today, in two different stops, I estimate 4 miles. Most of my walks will be referred to by myself as "hikes" because I do not often use roads, sidewalks, and  almost never treadmills. (side note- if a treadmill slings me off? All the studs will see.  If I trip and fall out in the wild? I will see a flower or bug I might have missed otherwise.)  

My happy spot serves so many purposes: to clear the air and my head, to stretch my legs, exercise, commune and connect with Nature.  Most often they  begin with a tentative stroll around the truck stop until I see a path, trail or wooded area snaking away.  So the terrain, inclines, surfaces, air, scenery and my excitement all stay highly engaged!

The allure of a good trail - trees across a wooded path, signifying no vehicles have passed recently.

Take this second hike of today for instance. Within leaving US 29 pavement, and going about 100 yards, I could barely hear the road sounds due to the sharp dip into a valley and the hillside rising up behind me. In another 50 yards, I was smelling pine, hay, water from a pond instead of vehicle exhaust and human wastes. 

I ended up in the woods, past some farmlands watching the birds of prey swoop in for their meals, leaning my head back and watching cloud animals carouse in the heavenlies, and could hear the rustle of the ground hog that ran away from me, the birds chirping, and the wind blowing.  All of that is drowned out in my work and daily life. Yesterday I saw a panther cross in front of me!

When the black top ends, the fun really begins...

Part of the thoughts I blogged in my head were "That Confounded Meaning Of Life". Part were my goals. Part was the introduction I still need to get behind me to 1FW and Quest. Part of it was a bittersweet mix of ahhhhh and oh! Man! My 5 senses were LOVING me today on my hike. But my mind was kicking my rear end for how long it has been since I have done these very things that I so dearly love. 

I've been feeling like this fence...

In the title, I quote the state motto "Virginia Is For Lovers". This has a special meaning to me. When I was in the 7th grade, my parents took my brother and I on a vacation to the Blue Ridge Parkway, Appomattox Courthouse, Natural Bridge etc. They signed us out of school for a week in November to show these Florida kids Autumn colors for the first time.  

It was a great trip! Being in 7th grade, I suppose I was just beginning to notice boys for something other than to play baseball and climb trees with.  At the Natural Bridge, I recall one of the first of those sharp pangs of physical attraction. He was a tourist, with his girlfriend, and probably in his 20's. Aiyiyiyiyi.  I thought then, "This must be what VA is for lovers means?" 

Virginia is far enough South to still be genteel, make amazing sweet iced tea, and have moderate weather. They have such a rich and deep vein of history and heritage. Largely less populated than cities, their rolling farmlands and mountains preserve the feeling of the Old Days still live here. To me, Virginia reigns as one of the Top 5 spots in the USA that I have lost my breath (on more than one occasion) by gasping , "I could so totally see myself living here!"

It was at the spot where I turned around today that I had an awareness moment.   In September 2010, I discovered my breath, being fully Present, and mindful. One gift of that year was finding my friend, Mark Edgar Stephens' book "Who Are You Choosing To Be?"  The title says it all.  I had deliberate choice. If I didn't like my attitude, my moment? I can change it. Create and be the change I wished to see.  This was liberating to me!  That year I learned the sheer POWER of taking three deliberate slow breaths. I went on to learn no judgements, love, gratitude, forgiveness, letting go of what is no longer serving me, what is possible? And more.

As I stood at the turning point and watched the birds, I considered laying on the ground, watching the clouds and meditating. But I opted to stand there, loose, and to execute three deliberate, deep breaths.  

Each person will have their own interpretation. For me, I visualize clean, white, light, healing breath entering me, filling my spaces as far as I can open to them (usually it gets to my shoulders and gets bogged down). Then during my exhale, I see a dusty Pigpen cloud of any pain, disappointments, attitude or tension leaving my body.

 Breath #2 I fill the tight places in my body with more healing, white light....

Breath #3 I say on the inhale "I let go" and upon exhale, I say "I let God."

Then I usually open my eyes slowly and remain still. The colors are more vivid, the sounds obscure before, now twitter, and the smells begin to differentiate into nuances. 

However, I could not get to Breath #2.  My mind chatter was off the charts!  Racing!!!!   It was my weight, my measurements, my goals, the question that's always hot on my mind of "WHERE DO YOU WANT TO LIVE?". It was just a churning morass of NOISE in my head during what is usually my personal Quiet Time and sanity break.

Well then I was mad at myself. What?? You can't even do this for three breaths? What the #$*@ is wrong with you?!  Do it Again!  

.... same....

It took a third try, and actually I made myself do it about 5 breaths to see it through....

Then as I began to walk back to my truck, I pondered this. 

Fractured.  This was an Object Lesson of where my head, heart and soul is operating currently. Fractured.

My thoughts that are always way too deep, also now run  rampant, nonstop.  Lately my prayer and meditation life has been almost as labored as my 3 breath mindfulness.  My sleep and dreams show signs of being worse for the wear. My enthusiasm for life is still here, but has a covering of dust on the lenses.

Never know what piece of history awaits in the woods...

Lately, I've had the extreme priviledge of meeting up with  new and old friends  in my home area where I park my car, reconnecting with longtime friends and family from my hometown area, visiting friends across the USA, and exploring new days with strangers I meet along my travels.  This is a bit of my hesitations - while I look forward to the community, the support, knowledge, camaraderie and accountability of Quest? It's a lot to add to my usual solitude. I have been alone so long now, the noise of so many "voices" of people brushing up against me in a day on FB, Twitter, in person, in text etc is giving me the heebie jeebies.  LOL (Just keeping it real.)

As I prepared to enter the highway leading back to my truck, I recalled seeing a pond on my way in. Now the sun was a bit lower, my senses softened, and I heard the allure of water noises such as frogs, crickets, and fish popping the surface. A quick stop to the water's edge made something very clear to me.

When I do find somewhere to live, rent, settle down again?  I don't want to have to get in my car to drive to a place of Nature. In a meteor shower, I want to be able to simply step onto my porch, as opposed to having to drive to the beach hoping to escape noise and light pollution. I want to hear the frogs and crickets through the screens on my open doors and windows. It's great to go for walks, or drives to these places now. But my heart's desire would be to already reside there.  And this means South Florida or any other concrete jungle will never truly be HOME to me.

One more "Getting To Know You 101" for now - I know One Fit Widow  began by.... a widow!  There is awesome support and forum for all stages of grief, coping, life, fitness, health etc. You don't HAVE TO BE A WIDOW to participate or to benefit.

I am NOT a widow.  I was married for 15 years. Divorced over 14 years now.  

2001-2004 my girls and I met and spent wonderful time with someone we truly loved. I have to be honest and say he was the love of my life.  It was the RIGHT love, at the WRONG time.

Although, I have dated and had many friends and opportunities since the end of that particular relationship in Sept. 2004?  It can be said that my heart has just not been in it again.  

At this point, I have made peace with the silence, put a stuffed lion in the Empty Chair, and would absolutely prefer a new dog in my life than a new human!!!!   Again, wry laugh, just keeping it real!  

I have a GREAT life!  Actually living my dream, following my passions, loving people - friends, family, and strangers, ticking items off my "Living List" one by one, and having a ball out here hiking and exploring. 

Success in QUEST and a fit life will give me strength and energy in body and character to continue with such quality and zeal! 

I've enjoyed blogging again after that ringing silence of a year or more.  Anyone new to the blog, FB, my life or Journey is welcome to fish around. The blog began in Oct. 2010. Just a heads up, the blog was used as my PROCESS and is NOT always Inspirational or Positive.   But it's a pretty accurate graph of the last few years as I BECAME who I am today.  If you read in? Feel free to connect somehow and let me know what you think.

Ready to call it a night. It's been cathartic to write again, just as hiking and deliberately breathing was a welcome back to familiar segments of the jumble that is ME.

Looking behind to learn the lesson.

Looking today to seize the moment.

Looking ahead with joyful anticipation.

Let's do this thing!

~Jan~

Janet M. Olsen