Saying YES, Let's Roll

In eight days, my oldest daughter will be graduating USF with a Bachelor's degree.  Not sure what it is called.  It is in Music and is a four year degree. She will be achieving this milestone with many honors, extra sashes, tassels, cords and acclaim.  I am SO PROUD OF HER and can bust my buttons!

Her decision to graduate now with one complete degree is bittersweet.  She has already invested an additional three years of year round classes towards a Bachelor's in American Sign Language Interpreting. She is dropping that program for the time being with only 10-12 credit hours left to completion.  As her Mom? I am concerned that she has run up extra debt and may not ever make it back to finish the degree?  Angel loved the work and found her niche in this world.  The second degree is the one that she could become certified in to work in her field.

This is another chapter, though, that as her Mom, I am writing today, as I blog here.  It is more of previous refrains of "letting go".  Empty Nest occured with all of its storms and tearing assunder several years ago.  Angel moved away to college May 2005.  Alisha moved to live with her Dad and to attend college in May of 2006. 

No stranger to letting people in and out of my life.  Some of them, we are bound by blood ties. History. Sometimes we have a close bond that we developed past the familial links.  Other instances, men and women come in, and like revolving doors, they exit. It may be a period of minutes? Or years? When I take inventory today, my truck is empty. My car sits idle. My belongings are in a storage unit that I am growing tired of paying to maintain.

As Angel's Mom, I am willing to dig in the pitons and provide her living expenses, share her financial burdens, and stand behind her so she can finish the degree while she is on a roll.  As her Mom, I also have to accept that July 25, 2010 "a man shall leave his mother, a woman leave her home, and they shall travel on to where the two shall be as one."  Angel and her husband Aaron made their decisons based on what they feel is right for them, for the current time. They didn't ask anyone to help. They made choices, set about making life course changes and then informed me of the way things were to be.

Angel and I share one of those extra bonds I mention.  We are friends as well as mother daughter. It was a bit tense as she worked out the kinks in her newfound backbone when she "called to inform me".  She phrased it in a way that made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up cold, "you can say what you like, but my decison is made and you will not be changing it."  Very unusual for Angel or I to talk that way to one another. Bordering on disrespect.

The blessing is that the  changes wrought in me in this past season, specifically this past  year, prepared me to be able to absorb that attitude, and rock with it before responding.  I am proud of myself.  I took it in, and was able to divorce my emotions from my responses by telling myself    "It's not personal. Be proud of Angel. Hear her out. Find ways to CELEBRATE her life, and do this NOW!!!"

A few people in my life's circle have given me HUGE gifts,,,, no judgements, forgiveness,  tolerance, patience, and the proverbial arms to fall back on. Call it what you will. I have experienced so much unconditional "love" that has been acted out towards me as a person? The timing is everything.  I was prepared to respond to Angel in her hour of need in kind.  What a different outcome a year makes!!!!!!!!!!  Grateful to my friends! The ones that love, care, respect and nuture the good in me.

Within the space of the extras breaths I took in during the initial phone call, I was able to shift and turn my daughter's news to accentuating the Positive.  She hung up telling me she was relieved, she expected a different response. (I know, remember the hairs on the back of my neck? She almost got a different response, LOL.)  It is cool to me that I was able to see that Angel felt SAFE with me, that she was trying her bravery out with the one person she feels safe to do so. She gave me a gift. And one day, she will be able to see that also.

Angel and Aaron - Alisha and Tony, their choices free me up to make choices for myself.  Yeah, yeah, I will ALWAYS be the mom.  But I make career and lifestyle choices based on what is authentic to me.  Recently, Angel spoke to me, then wrote out an affirmation from her to me.  She was acknowledging that "although she may not like somethings I do, and may have chosen differently for herself, her responsibility is to accept this as MY choice to make."

How quickly this gets mirrored back to a daughter who had a "growing up" revelation of the separation of mother- daughter-friend.   Within a space of weeks, I was called to remember the wisdom from the mouths of babes and extend that same grace back to Angel as a reflection of the gift of light she shone towards me just a short time ago.

A wise friend, from a distant Time Zone and shoreline wrote months ago, and recently reiterated, "I have come to realize that everyone has a God and that I am not it." Now, this friend and I have not met in person.  Funny how the people we align ourselves with via prayers, blessings, and gratitude can bring such moments of clarity, stillness and peace into a turbulent time, if only in my own thoughts.  Then in a single shock of a phone call, I can pause, breathe and make a shift.  Recent training prepared me.  Her direction has tempered my subsequent communications with Angel over the last few weeks as we makes arrangements to have a Jubilee to CELEBRATE her milestones and life accomplishments.

As I make the conscious decison to let go of areas I have not actually had the controlling reins of in many years, I am feeling freedom.  New spaces are opening up in my heart and mind.  I feel the freedom. The power. The gift to CHOOSE how I respond to these changes that I was not ready for.

  No one asked me if I was ready. That is not a common question when someone is going to leave. You don't often hear "Are you ready for me to leave and rock your world?" People just come and go and do what they feel is right for themselves at that moment. Even blindsided, it's up to me how I respond.

Today, weeks and months into a personal growth and trimming period? I am saying, "Let's Roll. What's next!?"  This week alone has already handed me gifts of new and of old offerings revisited. Especially where my career is concerned.  It seems I may be getting a second chance to try some things.  I am scared. I am excited. I am ready now, in case you are asking.

Big grin,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

A Reminder To Self

I feel led to share this again.  Mostly to myself.

Having done all to stand, stand therefore....

Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Attitude of Gratitude


Simply GRATEFUL.

My health. My friends. The capacity to love. Music. Angel. Alisha. For compassionate Daddy/God hugs. For my heavenly daddy and for his lap and snuggles. Writing. My job as a driver. For teaching. For Aaron for Angel. For Tony for Alisha. For Jeremiah. For cell phones. For pictures. For emails. For tears that fall and wash my eyes. For tears that sit in my chest and ache.My own Inner Drum. For funny movies, videos. Alan. Mark. Nanci. Rob. Allison. Isaac. Pastor. Rick. Brian. Peter. Theresa. Terry. Charlie. Erin. Rebekah. Michael. East - West coast. North-South. Worldwide. Time.

For my Inspirationators.  Inspirationators.  Inspirationators. 

For the sleep i got last night. For waking up today with this list going over and over in my head. For baseball. For trombones. For guitars. For trains. For finding old friends that I was close to. For building up friends that were acquaintances. For new connections. For people I will meet today.

Freedom.

For whistling. Humming. Grooving. Dancing. Breathing. Meditating. Praying. Reading. Learning. Dreaming. Stretching. Growing.

For songs that get stuck in my head. For dreams with songs. For the new song in my heart. Singing to the angels. Singing out loud. Passion. Life is a song.

For hope. For revelations. For change. For Empty Nest. For my divorce. For Lewis moving on. For my mistakes. For God's forgiveness.

For my forgiving others. Loving others. Caring for others. Reaching out to others. Encouraging others. Assisting others. Connecting others.

Gifts of service. Giving mail, cards, notes. Calling a Stranger by their name. Holding the door open. Extra tip for service. Paying for a stranger's meal. Anonymous. Quiet. On the Down Low.

For the glow. For the light. For the shine. For the bounce. For the sparkle. For the zest. For the crackle. For the enthusiasm. For the joy! For the happy!

For hair. Skin. Senses. Organs. Hands. Feet. Head. Heart. Emotions. Feelings. Wild. Tame. Brilliant. Awesome. Amazing. Gifts. Touch.Texture. Exploration. Curiosity. Discoveries. Sensations. Warm. Hot. Cool. Wet. Trembling. Quivering. Shocking. Knowing. Giving. Receiving. Trying.

Brown paper bags. Depths. Reaches. Shallow. Desire.

For smiles - Of laughter. Of puzzle. Of knowing. Of questioning. Of reassurance. Of tolerance. Of hope. Of dreaming. Of trying. Of pain. Of success. Of failure. Of setback. Of getting up again. Of new ideas. Of revelation. Of inspiration. Of relief. Of the light bulb going on. Of the siren screaming. Of jokes. Of being impish and fun. Of silly. Of goofy. Of lighting up a room. Of lightening a heart. Of love. Of pleasure. Of affection. Of peace. Of knowledge.

For my questions. For my answers. For my puzzles. For my incessant rambling. For my desires. For my curiosity. For my hunger.

For pain. For being alive. For feeling everything so deeply. For being raw. Transparent. Unable to hide. Open. Available. Independence.

For space. For echoes. For void. For whispers. For too much space. For crowding. For vacant, painful space. For fresh space. For things to protect the space. For things to fill the space. For people. Laughter. Love. Suffocating silence. Agony of alone. Cherish alone. Peace. Contrast and Congruence.

For conception. For Process. For birth. For miracle. For wonder. For awe. For death. For pain.

For Addy and Meeshu. Misty and Feylin. Alayna. Ally. Anna. Geo.

For indoor restrooms and the people that pee on them.

For people that listen. For people that stay. For people that leave. For people that pass through for a reason. For angels.

For compassion. For patience. For kindness. For tenderness. For affection. For attraction. For gentleness. For thoughtfulness. For empathy. For solace. For mercy. For grace. For redemption. For more chances than I deserve.

For thunderstorms that rock and sway. For snow and ice. For blue skies and no clouds. For white puffy, 7 minute frosting clouds. For being an optimist. For hope. For belief. For rainbows. For shades of color unimaginable. Birds. Stars.

For mistakes. For lessons. For loss. For opportunities. For blessings. For favor. For heights. For depths. For loneliness. For silence. For giggles. For squeals. For sleepless nights. For heart pain. For mind pain. For body pain. For Soul anguish. For Intercession. For the battle. For warfare. For victory. For defeat. For losing a battle, but winning the war. For drive. For getting back up. For not quitting. For not giving up.

For surviving.

For mom. For dad. For fishing. For reading. For hiking. For lakes! For oceans. For books.

For gardens. For hammocks. For loungers. For sweet iced tea. For swaying boats. For mists that rise. For splashes. For tugs. For front porch swings. For rear porch swings. For rocking chairs and gliders. For ropes. For ladders. For bridges.

For locked doors. For iron. For dungeons. For stairways. For light. For Opportunities. For open doors and windows. For courage. For discernment. For faith. For trying. For door knobs. For dragons. For the Prince.

For reconciliation. For walls. For armor.For castles. For bridges. For inroads. For offerings. For openings. For chinks. For weapons. For mercy. For chances. For forgetting. For letting go. For being vulnerable. For being gentle with others. For whispers. For roars. For whoops. For unspoken. For LOOKS. For eyes, oh! For the eyes. For touch.

For bounty. Plenty. Abundance. Overflow. Gifts. Sharing. Space. Simplicity. Echoes. Radar.

For tremulous hope.

For TRIUMPH!

For people that stay. That withstand. That hold. That last. That care. That listen. That read. That keep their silence. That answer back. That share. That suggest. That forebear. That KNOW. That are clueless. That try. That walk away. That hang in there. That come back. That have years with me. That have only minutes. Those that pass through my life for a time, a season, a reason.

For miracles. For new birth. For new beginnings. For past. For old ways. Old traditions. For heritage. For roots. For new trails yet to blaze. For excitement. For Adventure. For mountains. Valleys. Plateaus. Rocks. Holes. Pits. Canyons. Deserts. Dust. Lush. Curves. Detours. No Wrong Turns. Construction zones. Chasms. The abyss. Shorelines. Tides. Anchors. Moorings. Buoys. Lighthouses.

For anyone that reads this.

For me.

Jan M. Olsen
~J~

WOW Worship? Yes, I Will!

Reminded today, that I who have so MUCH,,  give so little. And my friends,who  had so little,,,  gave me SO MUCH.

My 20oth Blog Post since opening this site on October 4, 2010!

Dear Donna Hanner, those of us left behind yet a little while miss you something fierce.  I hug Jim every time I see him, and he clings to me. Almost a year has gone by, and he weeps still.

Today, it is  a new day full of hope and promise.  I have your cd.  I want to ask you, where you are in heaven?  Will you join me in a song today?  I will sing from here.  Between us?? 

"LET THE GLORY OF THE LORD RISE AMONG US, LET IT RISE!!!!"

Tuesday was a bit of a transition for me. I had to face the reality that, like it or not, a Change had taken place. I had to pick up with what I had available to me and go forward. This was an emotional time.

I’m referring to the time had come for me to shop to replace necessary items that had been taken in the theft. It’s been a couple of weeks. The theft itself has had time to sink in. I made peace with my insecurity fears. I made a list of missing items, sent it in via email to the Heartland Express Channels. It was swept under the rug. No one even wants to talk about it with me. My car is paid for, so I only carry FL requirements of liability. I don’t own a home or rent an apartment. No insurance in other words.

The Schrade Old Timer knife my Dad gave me upon my gradutaion from Electronics school, my daughter’s backpacks, and the digital camera card with Angel’s wedding and Jeremiah’s new birth? Will never be replaced.

Some items were important to the daily function of my truck. Tools, a Commercial Vehicle Operator’s atlas, cleaning supplies (those add up), even scissors and tape had to be replaced.

I work hard to keep a positive attitude. I don’t need much for myself of my money usually, so I give it away as people need it. To have to ring up a big ticket to replace what I already invested in once? Was painful.

After a nap, I went back to work. I was organizing my truck while I waited to be loaded at a Shaw’s plant in Andalusia, AL. I came across a gift. I write this now, abashed and humbled.

There was a middle aged couple from my church, Jim and Donna Hanner. They were both bent over with physical injuries. A bit hard to get to know, especially Donna was a bit of a crusty curmudegeon. Yet, Countless times, God led me to them to pray in the altar. I would request permission, and lay hands on Donna’s hip, knee, feet.

My church has an annual picnic in March. There is a photographic taken of Donna, leaning on her cane, talking to me as I manned the massive grill in 2010. Her husband, Jim, bent over almost in half and his neck crooked, stands, as he always does, right by Donna's side.

In May '10, Donna stumbled. She got back up, but had a “catch” in her abdomen area. On their way to church she told Jim, “You better take me to the ER. Something’s wrong.”

Donna had advanced cancer from her lungs, stomach, all the organs and linings in the front of her abdomen!!!!

For a week, I was OTR and unable to get in to town. Hospitals are NOT my thing at all!! Yet, God asked me to go see Donna. When I went,, she was making jokes with the nurses, drifting in and out of consciousness. Jim and I talked a lot that day. I knew he ADORED her. I found out there as a visitor to her bedside, that Jim and Donna both were pilots, and that Donna had been a competitive dancer, before she broke her hip and knee.

Jim cried a lot,,, I reached over to touch him a lot. I held them both a lot. Their 3 children were not there right then to visit them. Our church family and ministry had been in and out as they could.

I left that day glad I had obeyed God. It was the last time I ever saw Donna alive. She passed away at home less than 3 weeks later. I was OTR again and did not get another opportunity to say goodbye.

Jim is lost without his companion of almost 50 years. One day, he came to me at church, with a tattered bag in his hands. He wanted me to have Donna’s music collection. A scruffy, scratched collection of cds and cassette tapes. Most were very old style, not my type of music at all. I put them in a shoebox here on my truck and ,,,,, well, to be honest? I forgot about them. I kept them to honor my friends.

Tonight? While organizing and unpackaging my new supplies, my hand brushed a cd. I looked at it and fell apart into humbled tears. Here I was feeling down about the theft, and yet, here, on THIS DAY, my hand comes to a cd that once was loved by Donna.

The cd? A 2 cd-set called “WOW Worship”. Over 30 songs of worship and praise by contemporary Christian artists .. this set happened to be from 2004 when I was “backslid” and out of the church scene at all. Songs and some artists that I do not even recognize.

WHAT TIMING!!!! The cds were filthy and scratched,, just as they came to me from Jim in that torn plastic bag. After I lovingly wiped them down? Beautiful, like new condition.

As I go on my way today, from Andalusia to Ringgold, GA I will pop one into my player. Reconnecting with my friends, Jim and Donna Hanner, and obeying a call to WORSHIP GOD with all I have within me. No longer sad about my situations, they are so petty and pale in comparison. Jim still mourns his loss of his mate and best friend. I see it in his eyes every time I approach him at church to hug his frail body.

I who have so MUCH,,  give so little. And my friends,who  had so little,,,  gave me SO MUCH.

Thoroughly rocked my world tonight… from both sides of the clouds.

To Donna? I love you. Sing to the angels. I will join you from here.

To Jim? I love you too. May my hug infuse you as God himself would embrace you.

To myself? Loved and cherished by God and my church family, I go on up the road.

With a lump in my throat, ache in my heart, and smile on my lips,

Jan M. Olsen

~J~
As I began the travel with my loaded trailer? The worship songs filled my truck and daybreak's dawn began to glow through the Southern pines and oaks.  I am not alone. Angels and my friends join in a heavenly chorus,,,, LET THE GLORY OF THE LORD RISE AMONG US, LET IT RISE!!!

Helping Others

Through a series of events that are lining up, I am finding myself offered more and more opportunities to reach out to others. In the church, we call it "sharing the word of our testimony".  Same concept here. 

There is a light in all of us.  We can try to deny it or hide it under a bush, but the light is not us to begin with.  This eternal flame is God beaming from within!  So I don't think it very odd to be told "there is a GLOW about you!" or to be asked  "What is different?!"

The only thing different is that I have recently come to a place of peace.  I am surrendering my attempts at control of my life. Seeking God with all of my heart. 

My continuous prayers go something like this:" God let me see myself as you do today.  Let me see others the way you see them.  Let me see problems the way you do.  Give me a greater measure of compassion and love for others than I have ever experienced before.  I take this mantle and go forth with your boldness, to reach out and touch the world to your glory. Thank you for your grace, mercy, and fresh beginnings.  Thank you for calling me and annointing me to assist others.  Here I am, Lord, send me."

Before I rise in the morning, I spend time in experiencing GRATITUDE for everything in my life.  The list gets longer and more silly, if you will, the more I practice gratitude.  That's because I begin to see the little things. 

For instance, one time on the beach I decided to try an exercise for the first time.  It was a series of 3 deliberate breaths.  Now, at that moment, I had only read the suggestion, not the instructions.  So, feeling a bit silly, I did it the way God led me. 

It felt so AWESOME, I did it again, just for the pleasure of it.  Then, I opened my eyes to a whole new world!  It was still the same beach, same lounge chair, same sun beaming.  However, I saw on an entire beach FULL of white sand, a tiny hill shift, as though an ant lion had kicked it from inside.  There was an extra line of breakers curling within the obvious 3 or 4 big waves.  I could smell more than Coppertone, BBQ, and wet things.  I felt very ALIVE and tingling with excitement.

That is what people see today.  That ZEST for Life!  And they are drawn to ask me, "What is the difference?"

We all have things going on in our lives.  Some days we are on top of the mountain. Some days, seems we are scraping the barrel for energy just to go another step. Some days? All we can do is breathe in and out, and even that is exhausting work.  There will always be an ebb and flow.

When a friend or acquaintence asks me "What is it?"  ,,, I am ready with the answer, which is my gift to give right now - MY TESTIMONY.  I listen intutively for their cues. And often, instead of a closed pat answer, I will lead them into answering their own question.  I will guide them to asking POSITIVE, POWERFUL questions.  I give them resources to use for the follow through. Offer to be available to sound ideas out.  And every time, I add them to the list of people that I pray for.

It isn't me they see.  It won't be me that helps them or holds the key to their answers.  The person already possesses the answer within themselves.  The decision to trust their own light from within will rest with them.

So, I go on up the road.  Growing in my own life.  Listening for others when they reach out.  Cheering with them, loving them, helping them along their way.

It's a good day.
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Where Are Those Elusive ZZzzzzS?

For one reason or another, I have not been on the blog to write deeply in awhile.


When it comes to Angel and Aaron? My words get jammed up. Stuck somewhere between bile in my stomach and an ache in my heart. My opportunity to exercise and grow in my LOVE, GRATITUDE, AND FORGIVENESS.

Work has been awesome!! I certainly know that today could be a feast, and tomorrow a famine! At the moment, I am making more miles per week than my brother with his 15 yrs driving experience. Also, I make 3.5 cents per mile MORE than he does!

My only complaint, if it that is even the negative word for it? Is that somehow I got flipped to driving the night shift. I have been asking to get solar -powered again. Now that it is the weekend? I am going to take this opportunity of less staff in the offices and I am going to bed in a few minutes (4pm) and not getting up until I wake up on my own!!!! Sometime Sunday :)

I have a huge amount of wishes, hopes, and dreams percolating right now. Yet, I am not writing much at all, anywhere. Still here. Just waiting... on inspiration. On release. On Relief. On clarity.

Meanwhile, I reach out to others. Both for my own support and to bounce ideas with me. And I reach out to others. Often, people are seeking me. Which is fine too. I am flowing as the Spirit directs and remaining open to the incoming and outgoing flow of energy and inspiration.

Remaining grateful for friends, family, and loved ones that pray with me, that ride vicariously with me OTR, and that Journey this crazy thing we call LIFE with me. I am very blessed. Abundantly.

My desire is to serve and love others with all I have within me.

Let it be, Lord, let it be.
Jan M. Olsen
~J~