Attitude of Gratitude

Simply GRATEFUL.

My health. My friends. The capacity to love. Music. Angel. Alisha. For compassionate Daddy/God hugs. For my heavenly daddy and for his lap and snuggles. Writing. My job as a driver. For teaching. For Aaron for Angel. For Tony for Alisha.  For Jeremiah.  For cell phones. For pictures. For emails. For tears that fall and wash my eyes. For tears that sit in my chest and ache.My own Inner Drum.  For funny movies, videos. Alan. Mark. Nanci. Rob. Allison. Isaac. Pastor. Rick. Brian. Peter. Theresa. Terry. Charlie. Erin. Rebekah. Michael. Tommy. East - West coast. North-South. Worldwide. Time.

For Dallas prayers.

For my Inspirationators.

For the sleep i got last night. For waking up today with this list going over and over in my head.  For baseball. For trombones. For guitars. For trains. For finding old friends that I was close to. For building up friends that were acquaintances. For new connections. For people I will meet today.

Freedom.

For whistling. Humming. Grooving. Dancing. Breathing. Meditating. Praying. Reading. Learning. Dreaming. Stretching. Growing.

For songs that get stuck in my head. For dreams with songs. For the new song in my heart. Singing to the angels. Singing out loud. Passion. Life is a song.

For hope. For revelations. For change.  For Empty Nest. For my divorce. For Lewis moving on.  For my mistakes. For God's forgiveness.

For my forgiving others. Loving others. Caring for others. Reaching out to others. Encouraging others. Assisting others. Connecting others.

 Gifts of service. Giving mail, cards, notes.  Calling a Stranger by their name. Holding the door open. Extra tip for service. Paying for a stranger's meal. Anonymous. Quiet. On the Down Low.

For the glow. For the light. For the shine. For the bounce. For the sparkle. For the zest. For the crackle. For the enthusiasm. For the joy!  For the happy!

For hair. Skin. Senses. Organs. Hands. Feet. Head. Heart. Emotions. Feelings. Wild. Tame. Brilliant. Awesome. Amazing. Gifts. Touch.Texture. Exploration. Curiosity. Discoveries. Sensations. Warm. Hot. Cool. Wet. Trembling. Quivering. Shocking. Knowing. Giving. Receiving. Trying.

Brown paper bags. Depths. Reaches. Shallow. Desire.

For smiles - Of laughter. Of puzzle. Of knowing. Of questioning. Of reassurance. Of tolerance. Of hope.  Of dreaming. Of trying. Of pain. Of success. Of failure. Of setback. Of getting up again. Of new ideas. Of revelation. Of inspiration. Of relief. Of the light bulb going on. Of the siren screaming. Of jokes. Of being impish and fun. Of silly. Of goofy. Of lighting up a room. Of lightening a heart. Of love. Of pleasure. Of affection. Of peace. Of knowledge.

For my questions. For my answers. For my puzzles. For my incessant rambling. For my desires. For my curiosity. For my hunger.

For pain. For being alive. For feeling everything so deeply.  For being raw. Transparent. Unable to hide. Open. Available. Independence.

For space. For echoes. For void. For whispers. For too much space. For crowding. For vacant, painful space. For fresh space. For things to protect the space. For things to fill the space. For people. Laughter. Love. Suffocating silence. Agony of alone. Cherish alone. Peace. Contrast and Congruence.

For conception. For Process. For birth. For miracle. For wonder. For awe. For death. For pain.

For Addy and Meeshu. Misty and Feylin. Alayna. Ally. Anna. Geo.

For indoor restrooms and the people that pee on them.

For people that listen. For people that stay. For people that leave. For people that pass through for a reason. For angels.

For compassion. For patience. For kindness. For tenderness. For affection. For attraction. For gentleness. For thoughtfulness. For empathy. For solace. For mercy. For grace.  For redemption. For more chances than I deserve.

For thunderstorms that rock and sway. For snow and ice. For blue skies and no clouds. For white puffy, 7 minute frosting clouds. For being an optimist. For hope. For belief.  For rainbows. For shades of color unimaginable. Birds. Stars.

For mistakes. For lessons. For loss. For opportunities. For blessings. For favor. For heights. For depths. For loneliness.  For silence. For giggles. For squeals. For sleepless nights.  For heart pain. For mind pain. For body pain. For Soul anguish. For Intercession. For the battle. For warfare. For victory. For defeat. For losing a battle, but winning the war. For drive. For getting back up. For  not quitting. For not giving up.

For surviving.

For mom. For dad. For fishing. For reading. For hiking. For lakes! For oceans. For books.

For gardens. For hammocks. For loungers. For sweet iced tea. For swaying boats. For mists that rise. For splashes. For tugs. For front porch swings. For rear porch swings. For rocking chairs and gliders. For ropes. For ladders. For bridges.

For locked doors. For iron. For dungeons. For stairways. For light. For Opportunities. For open doors and windows. For courage. For discernment. For faith. For trying. For door knobs. For dragons. For the Prince.

For reconciliation. For walls. For armor.For castles. For bridges. For inroads. For offerings. For openings. For chinks. For weapons. For mercy. For chances. For forgetting. For letting go. For being vulnerable. For being gentle with others.  For whispers. For roars. For whoops. For unspoken. For LOOKS. For eyes, oh! For the eyes.  For touch.

For bounty. Plenty. Abundance. Overflow. Gifts. Sharing. Space. Simplicity. Echoes. Radar.

For tremulous hope.

For TRIUMPH!

For people that stay. That withstand. That hold. That last. That care. That listen. That read. That keep their silence. That answer back. That share. That suggest. That forebear. That KNOW. That are clueless. That try. That walk away. That hang in there. That come back. That have years with me. That have only minutes. Those that pass through my life for a time, a season, a reason.

For miracles. For new birth. For new beginnings. For past. For old ways. Old traditions. For heritage. For roots. For new trails yet to blaze. For excitement. For Adventure.  For mountains. Valleys. Plateaus. Rocks. Holes. Pits. Canyons. Deserts. Dust. Lush. Curves. Detours. No Wrong Turns. Construction zones. Chasms. The abyss. Shorelines. Tides. Anchors. Moorings. Buoys. Lighthouses.

For anyone that reads this.

For me.

Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Few Words

I have had a major shaking up in my world this weekend.  At this time, I do not have words for it.

Actually, I am retreating into myself for a time of cleansing and purifying.

So I will close with this thought, "I won't turn back."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c3xFXLOKKIQ

God bless.

Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Moving On lyrics

Hiding in a smile
Is a life filled with hurt
A soul that's crying out
Wanting to be heard
I've tried all I know
To discard all my pain
Will I come alive
Is there any way

CHORUS:
I don't wanna waste another day
Living in regret from my mistakes
I'll move on and the sun will shine
Pick up the pieces walk away
Live with the choices I have made
You've forgotten and so will I
So will I

When the day is done
And the noise and lights are gone
I look back at my life
What else can go wrong
How could you still love
A heart as cold as ice
But I must look so different
Different in your eyes

It's a mystery
How human can I be?

Here I Go Again, Needing To Realign

Well, I have alot of cool things to share from my weekend.  Funny, though.  My oldest daughter, Angel is often the first person I think to say, "Did you see that?!" 

Lately, alot depends on her school, church or husband's schedule if she has an ounce of "angel" left in her to humor her old mom.  I say that trying to be light hearted and to shuck off my irritation.

The convo often goes something like this, "Hey! Angel!  Glad you called, What's new?!"

"Oh nothing much.  Just wanted to share _ _ _ __ _ _.   My school day. A movie.  My Sunday school class."

"Cool!! Always glad to hear from you! Let's have it."
(30 minutes later, my eyes glazed over,,,, she's beginning to go in circles, gets kind of random)

"Hey Mom? I know I called you.  But I'm talked out now. If you still have anything you want to share? Go ahead.  But I can't promise to pay much attention or respond right now. Besides, it's time for Aaron's lunch, then I'm going to take a nap, then maybe we can talk tomorrow after classes and you can tell me whatever you had."

"No problem, Bugs. I understand.  Glad you can call me to share. Later!"

and,,, I hang up looking at the phone, going, "Damn! She just did it again!"

Increasingly, my fuse is getting shorter and shorter.

But,,, it's obviously MY problem.  It's big TO ME.  I don't want to project that off onto Angel. If I complain "during the time we do have about not having more time".... then how long before she thinks twice before calling at all?

My fear in all this is to lose her completely.  Even if it is only for a month, two, or a year, two, etc....

But, I want to tell her now,"You used to be my Go-To person also.  If you are going to judge me now, for being open and questing? And you are not going to sound it out with me? Then who are you to look down the road 6 wks, 6 months, a year and tell me you do not like who I have become???  I will talk to someone.  You may not like who I go to next."

But, again, I bite it back, and like bile it is eroding my good humor,, and what it is doing now to me? I see her number on the Caller ID and think, "WHAT NOW?!"

When I want to think instinctively, "YES!!! My Girl is calling!!! Let's CONNECT!"

meanwhile???  I went to the same shipper in Miami today that gave me the inspiration of "out of plumb line". And I had the same door. Where I had to FORCE my mind to let it go,,, park out of line,, at an angle, jsut to be "right".

Coincidence?  Attitude and work in the natural showing up at the same hour??

HAH!  Got the diploma on this School Of Hard Knocks lately!!  No coincidences.  Rhymes and Reasons,, but not Random Acts.

So, I am including the old entry below, to remind me, that it is MY ATTITUDE I can recognize, deal with, breath through (smile) and adjust with a vengeance.

Because, I also know Angel's habits.... she will call me much later today and apologize.  And I will need to be Johnny on the spot to accept it, forgive it,, and seize the moment we DO have,, instead of lamenting the lost hours.

hard,,,, hard lesson.  And I am still a student.  Just got my knuckles rapped with the ruler today, that's all.

Grateful and stretching,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
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Monday, December 6, 2010Out of Plumb Line


After this past weekend and it's upheaval with my dear Angel, I am feeling keenly just how out of plumb my intrinsic thoughts, emotions, wishes, hopes, dreams, relationships, and spiritual walk is lately.

Looking outward? Well, I need to confess, I did my share of that too. What ancient truths have came to my fore, though, is that it is what's inside of ME that is attracting to me and radiating out of me. It's an inward condition, my own personal responsibilty.

Getting fed up with being in a position to have to admit, "I don't like who I am seeing reflected back to me from the mirrors into my Inner Being."

I was reminded of the scientific principle to a plumb line today at my Miami shipper. After reluctantly getting back in the driver's seat to return to work, I did an unusual thing. I agreed to convoy down there with one of my elders. I had an ESP that I needed his company and escort. Sure enough, it was downtown Miami in a rough neighborhood with an industrial section crammed into its tight spaces. Reminds me of Aspen Distribution on Vail Ave, Montebello, CA (eastern Los Angeles). Not a truck friendly area, predominantly poor Spanish people, that leaves me nervous if I have to stay roadside overnight. I don't speak Spanish. I can ask for Los Banos, but then don't understand the reply :)

At this shipper, the two docks go INTO the building about 15 feet. Gives a vertigo to back in and lose sight of my trailer doors until I feel a solid KER-THUMP as concrete meets metal in a teeth jarring experience. I am a GREAT truck driver. I backed in off that residential street, dodging mutts, cats, and threading the debris of cars of yesteryear, straight shot - right to the dock!! Yet, THREE TIMES a shrill whistle and waving, gesturing arms, accompanied by unintelligible Spanish hollering,,,, I was directed to pull up, realign, back in again.

No matter how straight my tractor, trailer was to itself, my elder trucking neighbor, the street or the side of the building??? There was a 8 inch gap on the right side of my trailer to the dock. I tried over and again to psyche my mind out, to park "out of angle". No luck. The building is off plumb line.

At last!!! A visualization of how I am feeling in my interaction with myself, with others, with my world I live in, and with my ineffable Spiritual connections.

Hmmmm..... get that last one in synch and the rest may line up? That just came clear as I type this.

I have been embroiled in a spiritual Erocylodon. Feeling like the nose of my Life's vessel has run aground, where things are simply done by rote memory, because that's the way they have always been done, all while the hinder part of my being is out in the Currents of Change. My self-walls, fortress, and foundations are being torn asunder with opposing spiritual and emotional integral forces.

Somewhere between a feisty pussy cat and a royally provoked lion, I am "becoming" someone new.

Change is good. No stranger to recreating my own Reality? I have been here too many times. I want to just "be good".... be worthy,, be of service, be loving, compassionate, and still yearn to be loved.

So, if I have wreaked any havoc or caused harm, while my personal "building" is being aligned into the "NEW PLUMB LINE"?

Please forgive me. How may I make amends?

In a search, I found info on Kinesiology. It explains that the Definition of Erect Posture is one where an individual is standing at attention or told to stand up straight. This posture needs conscious control. It holds a plumb line from ear lobe, tip of the sholuder, center of the hip and knee, and anterior to the ankle joint.

When all is said and done? My prayer for my personal character and integrity, is that I stand consciously in control of myself, erect, with an authentic, honest plumb line.

Please, anyone who finds this, by invitation or divine design, I implore you - HOLD ME ACCOUNTABLE TO THIS HIGHER GOAL AND NECESSARY CHARACTER GROWTH.

So grateful. So humbled. So broken. So pliable in the Master's Hands.

Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Labels: Attittude, Attributes, Breakthrough, Breathe, Broken, Communication, Depths, Gratitude, Health, Identity, pain, Self, The Lion, Time

A Visit Into My Dreaming Place

Forgetting all I'm lacking , Completely incomplete

It is Monday again. I am at a shipper that I go to almost every Monday.  I would guess 95 out of a 100. I deadhead, drive with an empty trailer (no weight) from Sunrise, FL the 70 miles to Clewiston, FL to pick up granulated sugar.  They keep a supply of our empty trailers on hand, but it seems that Mondays, as early as I arrive, my load is to be a live load. 

That's fine. I know the system here and all 7 doors, I know the trick, the swing, the angle.  I can usually drop it in 1 or at the most 2 attempts.

However, I was watching a driver struggle with almost every aspect. His driving, opening and closing the doors, sliding the tandems.  This took me back to my days as a trainer when in my Tough Love style of teaching I would insist the students go figure it out.  My own trainer had a similar method. At least I show my students once first, lol.

The driver for another company also known as a Training Company like Stevens,  and his struggles, his facial expressions and jerky, eager to please movements just reached down into me and has me thinking deeply.

I have known all my life that my Passion is to teach. Many opportunities to teach in a variety of settings and number of students have been afforded to me.  Not really intersted in going to college to become a teacher. maybe when I had a young family at home, I would have liked the M-F, 7am-3pm lifestyle.  Now, I like the flexibility and the adventure of not quite knowing where I will end up or begin.

Sunday was spent getting to know a new friend better.  It was during that initial one-on-one getting to know you visit that we talk about our life so far, and our wishes, hopes, and dreams for our future.  We share many similar beliefs, history, interests, hobbies, expressions and he is also a teacher.  As time is going on these last few months, I am not as suprised as I might once have been.

So, today, early in a New Year, early  in a work week, I am inspired to dream a little bigger than usual. To realize that I am not tossed aside on the trash heap of Life, and to think again, with new perceptions where am I going to let my Passion take me?  Where can I direct my life? And letting it go, trusting into God's plans.

What can I change in me to make a positive Course shift?

The other driver? Figured the skills out, on his own.  Surely he is going down the same highways that  I will be taking and inside the cab of his truck he is feeling a little more confidence.  A little more healthy pride in a job well-done.  A little less questioning of "OMG are you CRAZY to want to be a truck driver?!"

And that Knowing makes me smile.  For I have been there, the student.  And I have been the instructor.  Realizing I will get many more opportunities in this Life to do both.  This pleases me, inside in my Dreaming Place.

So it is with hope and renewed fervor I begin this new week,heart, mind,  arms and eyes wide open.

With Joy,
Jan M. Olsen
~~J~
this song has always stirred the tenderness of my heart. It acts as an Adolph's tenderizer or mallet. Where it talks about "falling even more in love with you?"
 I often substitute my own name in the blank

,,, letting go off all I've ever held onto,,, falling in love with me... I know if you are reading this, then you are someone I trust to "get this" concept and that you see with me the small, baby step victories in my personal walk with, Jan the woman. 

And I imagine you smile and celebrate WITH ME.

Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started
Chasing after you


I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you


Forgetting all I'm lacking
Completely incomplete
I'll take your invitation
You take all of me now...






I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know


I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you


There's nothing else to lose
There's nothing else to find
There's nothing in the world
That can change my mind


There is nothing else
There is nothing else
There is nothing else


Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started
Chasing after you....


I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know


I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you


Just hanging by a moment (here with you)


Hanging by a moment (here with you)


Hanging by a moment here with you

A Rainy Day

I am writing in my word processor about my healing. I am finding it hard to stay focused because I believe with everything within me that it was no one single event or thing.

Trying to make a list.

OVERWHELMED  with gratitude to even be making a testimony entry!

Flooded and a bit wandering.

Writing :-)

Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Write Or Do Laundry?

Charlotte, NC at the receiver since 0030.

My gamble paid off. The gate was not closed. Pulled in at 0030 for my 2pm appointment and went on break on the logbook. It  was closer to 0230 before I could wind down enough to sleep. At 0800 they came knocking on truck doors. First come, first served, they will unload us. Empty trailer by 0915!! YEAH!

So, what shall I do today?  Laundry? Lol, needs to be done, but what a drag sitting at a laundromat.  Write? Hmmmm, what else is there to say right now? In a blessed mood.  Tempted to just make  a bullet point listing of recent blessings! That would be fun and encouraging. It would also be a great resource tool the next time the wolf knocks at the door, I can go pull a smile off my Gratitude List :)

No plans this week. Go whereever my QualCom directs. Lean on Joe a bit to get me longer miles per trip, better utilization of my time and logbook. Less sitting, more rolling.  Finally getting  a second wind and I feel today like I could pull the trailer on a harness!!!

If they will work me this weekend? Great! I will stay out and get in the swing of things. I need to be in SoFL Jan 15-16 for two specific classes at the Yoga Connection.  Jan 15th is Jimmy Barkan working with his Hot Yoga methods in a workshop. Jan. 16th is Yogic Numerology with my Kundalini instructor.  This will be a "first" for me to dabble in something like that. If it goes well, I may hire her one on one for a full reading. Slow Grasshopper.  Take time to let some of the new things settle and assimilate  :-)

Angel and Aaron are travelling this week to spend time with his family in Pensacola.  I haven't heard from Alisha in about 3 weeks. I am sure the holidays were busy at her work.  Plus being pregnant, working two jobs and keeping up with a 9 month old active, Jeremiah takes priority!

I have been blessed financially. I was able to give each daughter $250 for their family to spend as they have the need or desire as my Christmas gift to them.  I had a blast buying gifts for people, children especially as the opportunity and Spirit presented itself. What a wonderful season of giving and of hope!

When I went skydiving December 31st it was a realization of a goal. Most of 2010 my goal list was about other people, sometimes needs I had.
1-Come off the road, live in my apartment in SoFL.
2-Angel and Aaron's July wedding.
3- When lease expired in August, move out of my apartment, put bed, boat, etc in storage. Live in truck.
4-September, move household stuff out of my brother's place, purchase storage.
5-Fly to Colorado to reunite with Alisha and meet my 7month old grandson for the first time.
6-SKYDIVE, prepare for SCUBA Liveaboard cruise in 2011, save for trip with POCC to Israel 2011.

Pretty cool that one by one, small achievable bit at a time, methodically I crossed an item off my To-Do list!!

Very encouraged!

During 2010 I emptied my phone and email contacts of people that were not inspiring or healthy for me. Old or new, if they hurt me, drained me, used me, or were "expired" I deactivated their information. Then I was very selective who I kept or added.

I chose to surround myself with A) people I can be a blessing or of service to (B) accountability partners  (C) people that are positive, healthy, uplifting, constructive, and challenging.  My contact list is now POWERFUL and manageable to go through and see my blessings!

Looking forward to being more loving, more receptive, more courageous this new year. I want this year to be more about others and how I can serve and gift them, than it is about me just getting by or in need of healing.

Live in a space of GRATITUDE, of INPSIRATION, of FORGIVENESS, of Awareness, and of being fully PRESENT in every breath, every beep of my heart.

Doing something that scares me every day. Trying something new. Pushing just past where it hurts, to the next level of stretch and flexibility (body, soul, mind). Making time into my regular routine to rest and restore, and not having to wait until my body shuts down entirely in protest.

Carving out regular intervals to do the things that REALLY intrinsically please me.  Laugh. Dance. Sing. Fish. Hike. Camp. Explore. Dive. Play. Serve. Read. Write. Learn. Worship. Grow. Climb. Boat. Listen. Create. Empower. Release. Breathe. Fitness.

Learn to play the guitar. Write poetry, songs, short stories, chapters. Go to the theatre, concerts, museums, art galleries.

Feed the ducks, gulls, cardinals.  Lay on my tummy on a dock and watch the fish swim below.  Lay on my back on the dock and count the stars and try to assign a blessing to each one I see. ALOT OF STARS!

Hmmm,,, guess I wanted to write after all today :-)

Time to consider what the new work day holds. Make it a GREAT one!

Jan M. Olsen
~J~

It's Really That Simple- Free Falling

,

 That blip on the photo is me - soaring, free falling, LIVING in the Moment with Gratitude.

Today is January 1, 2011. It has been for me for 10hr21minutes already. I enjoyed watching my International friends celebrate before the earth turned on its axis for it to be my turn to countdown. This year, a special treat to me was the fruition of several goals set long ago. The culminating moment? Was linked arm to arm, hand to hand, in prayer and fervent seeking with Brothers and Sisters at Pentecostals of Cooper City, Florida.  As we prayed as family units, then for one another, and for ourselves, in agreement, my wonderful church family turned towards our countdown screen and shared that E-ching moment of each year's transition. 10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1-HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! 

With song, laughter, dance, worship and exhortation we sought God as a unified body of believers both  in the past year and moving forward into the new!  This really was an answer to prayer, planning, sacrifice, and a desire of my heart to be here for this service. Happy and blessed.

I'm not going to write a year in review now. I have a photographic project that will speak volumes when I am done compiling it as the Spirit directs. I don't want to say what others have already said so much more eloquently and fervently before me in this past week leading up to the new year. But I do have a few words from MY heart to share. And here we go!

Philipians 3:13): I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, (14) I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.
( I have not "apprehended" or attained all there is for me to know about life or myself, but I must look at RIGHT NOW and then reach for the Future with hope and trust.)

At first, the source of quotes that I am going to attribute will seem odd to anyone who has gotten to know me in the last 3-5 years. It will REALLY suprise the people I have connected with in the most recent few months.   However, these are MY lessons that I have learned. And that source was an integral part of my life for the Season he was placed in my path.  I had much to learn. Not all of it was to DUCK!

This person actually (and I am only just beginning to see it this way) was a part of my daily walk for a time because he was a vessel God used to exact work in the crucible where God had me.  It was an understanding between God and I.  Through Revelation and Vision, God had asked me years ago why I wasn't on the Potter's Wheel, and I had to admit that I had specifically taken myself off. Why? "So I could become something you could use. Something of worth. Of value. Then, God, I was coming back."

Ah, I had it all wrong. For a decade.  8-10 years is a long time to be at war within your Spirit!  It carries burdens, regrets, pain that was never God's will for me at all.  So, between God and I, we entered into a specific time of BROKENNESS where I had to fully submit to His creative powers and ultimate design for my life.

At times, the pressure seemed more than I could bear. Occasionally I grew impatient with the Process and tried to "fix me" on my own. So glad I serve an Eternal, all-loving God who has nothing but Time  of the ages to knead and adjust me and my stinking attitudes.

The lessons I learned in this particular chapter covered 14 months of my life, and even longer if you count the "recovery" period which is still on on-going process.  And no new revelations or anything scary here today. Rather, I am about to say things that brings me to humble, quiet, knowing and tears of gentle gratitude for the lesson.

 JayJ, taught me to work hard, but to relax even harder. See? Not what you might be expecting. From our first handshake on introduction with the words exchange of "Hi, I'm agressive.""That's good. So am I."  we entered into our business relationship with a single mindest - TO WIN! To be the TOP of our field   (DM for him, Driver for me.)

As a working pair? We were AWESOME!!!  He pushed me HARD, with his contacts, his knowledge and his efforts.  I often felt growing pains as I had to build up stamina for driving as if my life depended on it, learn to fix things on my own if they broke down, time and money management.

Then, as I excelled, he didn't sit back and say "yeah that's good. Rest here." Nope!! The very next load assigment he pushed me HARDER.  As two agressive, driven to succeed tenacious people? The see saw of learning, doing, learning, growing, expanding was constantly in pendulum effect!!!!

Then,  when he had pounded into me like a mantra "450 miles a day Jan, or you will FAIL" (UGLY UGLY WORD in my vocabulary) and he had me staring at the odometer.  A 750 mile day on Monday, did not excuse a 350 miles day on Tuesday. Not to either one of us.  I had shown I had the POTENTIAL of  a 750 mile Tuesday too.

So when JayJ ran out of resources on the logistics end? I often pushed back on him, and even learned to go around him, to pull down my own loads out of a magician's hat.  In trucking, we do something called a "repower" or "relay".  This is like a relay race, with the loaded trailer as the baton.  If one driver is too slow, or too fast, the load may be relayed to another driver, and the first driver can either rest or pick up the pace in a new direction.  I became known as the driver that made the Impossible happen!  Inside Stevens logistics departments, if a load was in danger? Give it to Jan. She will come through! 24/7 I was the "GO TO GUY" and just being honest here, I LOVED IT!  I EARNED IT!

I made Jay's Board look good!  Stevens had 2,800 drivers, 700 Alliance drivers, and I was the top 2.85%.

What a team!  An earning, developing, striving for excellence partnership JayJ and I had!!!! 

Then came a day.... no new load, no repower, I was just early and had to sit waiting on another driver to arrive 8-10 hours later. "What do you mean? How can I do 450 miles today sitting still? Run in circle around the parking lot? Are you crazy!?"

After the 3rd or 4th text or email from me, JayJ bit back, "Oh GOD JAN!!! JUST RELAX!!! DAMN!   GO SHOPPING OR SOMETHING!! I'M NOT GOING TO SEND YOU ANYTHING NEW UNTIL YOU CHILL OUT!!"

Gotta admit, this made me mad at the time.  I huffed and I puffed and stomped to the outlet mall in Jeffersonville, Ohio,,, I was going to go into "A" store in a huff, and I was going to say "NOW! GET ME A LOAD!"

ahhhhh,,,, but God and his Lessons.....

As a single mom? I could not afford hamburger meat for the hamburger helper. I was inadequate as a provider or head of household. So it caused me angst to now be making thousands a week take home pay, and not have anyone to spend it on.  Being low income also meant I didn't shop at the mall at the "name brand" stores, and had no idea what an outlet mall was.  And I had guilt issues over spending any of my money now on things for myself.

Being at this outlet mall, instead of being an "AH YOU HAVE ARRIVED moment"?  It was painful for me.

But, my natural curiousity and propensity for humor got the better of me.  I saw a "Brooks and Brothers". Now, not having experience with name brands??? I read it as "Books and Brothers"... and in excitement I ran to that store first. Only to be sad when it was a men's clothing store. ROFL!!! 

But, to my left or my right? Was Adidas, or Yankee Candle, or the golf store..... and one led to the next,,

I looked up,, and it was noon! and I had a few small shopping bags. I had bought JayJ gifts, I had bought Angel gifts,,, I had gone and let the lady at Lane Bryant measure me. I had even gone into the Adidas store and my treat to myself was in incredible high quality pair of tennis shoes which I just had to replace a month or so ago.... while at Adidas, I sponsored children in the "Right To Play" program, and became a source of financial assistance to kids who want to play soccer, but cannot afford the gear (my surrogate gift in Alisha's name).

I had lunch in the food court,, and walked around marvelling at the store list  and doorways, and windows. I munched an  ice cream cone.

Telling you this to make a point. JayJ insisted I RELAX. Stop and enjoy the moment!  It wasn't anything I WANTED to do. But, amazingly, we built this into our business partnership from here out. 

That afternoon??  JayJ sent me a repower load with exactly 450 miles that I could log by midnight.  He smirked, "I told you so", and I took the lesson to heart.

So, back to work, grueling schedule between our efforts to keep my truck rolling and earning.

Another example, similar scenario, I now saw it coming. JayJ was building me a "day off whether I liked it or not". So, I chose where I shut the truck down. Boise, Idaho.  I asked JayJ, "What shall I do?? Buy a bicycle and go touring these mountains? Tour the college campus? (OMG LOVELY!!!),,, go see Transformers 2 in IMAX????  GO to the wildlife retreat and stroll near the animals??? Go bowling?

WHAT JAY!?!?!?  WHAT DO I DO TO "FILL" MY TIME OFF!?!??!

His reply, forever etched in my brain and ways of living today.... "Just go chill. Lay on your back somewhere and watch the birds play."

That afternoon, a fulfillment of a goal of mine,  I bought the bicycle I had always wanted to use OTR as recreational exercise and personal conveyance. The dogs and I rode in the truck to the Boise River Park. Then we took the bicycle and rode it all around the college campus,, and on a trail winding in and out of the woods and river!  I bought a sandwhich and apple,, and while the boys swam in the river? I ate a picnic lunch.

And lay on my back, watching the birds play.

All of this journalling today to bring me to the Present.  I actually owe another friend or two my gratitude here. On their own, through their life by example, and their words and suggestions directly or indirectly, they have given me the BEST GIFTS of 2010 and my life to date.   They helped me find my BREATH. Meditation. Quietness. And the superb blessing in BEING PRESENT right here, right now. Feeling, experiencing RIGHT NOW.

My growth to this point has me able and ready to see the Building Blocks that these unlikely pairings of sources are revealing. Another lesson? It really shouldn't be suprising me,,, maybe it will become less of a suprise, and more of and expectant awareness?  But learning also the "CONNECTEDness we all share, if we realize and honor that.

Perhaps, JayJ and the trials and victories we went through as DM/Driver, and as Jay the man/ Jan the woman really were to my greater good?

If I am to a place, today, a gentle, forgiving Knowing... a loving Gratitude to God my Creator of ALLOWING me to know JayJ and to learn to CHILL JAN?  Then  perhaps it prepared me to hear "Pay attention to your breath, one thing at a time."

Building Blocks. Someone greater than I , all eternal had a plan and course for me all along.

He really did have his eye on the sparrow the whole time.

I've been on the mountain ledge for awhile now. Re-discovering my breath, my writing, my expression, my joy in the DANCE, my passions, my creativity, and my burdens for others.  I will even venture to say here, I am "finding me"....  who I am now, and who I was meant to be all along. Fearfully and wonderfully made.

Loving.  So open to all possibilities. Cleansing, healing tears flowing as I SEE this and acknowledge the POWER here.

Ready to soar in new ways, with wings as eagles in 2011 and Beyond,
Grateful and peaceful,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~