Quest Day #2 - Virginia Is For Lovers

As I let go of my day by hiking in the foothills south of Lynchburg, Virginia, I wrote the first blog entry in a long time in my head. Let's see what I can type now. 

This is Day 2 of my being part of the One Fit Widow - QUEST group. Quest will begin my living a FIT and clean, healthy lifestyle. For me, it will include not just the physical well-being of exercise and weight loss, but soul searching into my attitude, mental, emotional, and spiritual man as well. QUEST and 1FW are a community made of real men and women living real lives in our current societies with all the challenges, struggles, opportunities, and tools available to most of us.

Yesterday, I walked about 2 miles. Today, in two different stops, I estimate 4 miles. Most of my walks will be referred to by myself as "hikes" because I do not often use roads, sidewalks, and  almost never treadmills. (side note- if a treadmill slings me off? All the studs will see.  If I trip and fall out in the wild? I will see a flower or bug I might have missed otherwise.)  

My happy spot serves so many purposes: to clear the air and my head, to stretch my legs, exercise, commune and connect with Nature.  Most often they  begin with a tentative stroll around the truck stop until I see a path, trail or wooded area snaking away.  So the terrain, inclines, surfaces, air, scenery and my excitement all stay highly engaged!

The allure of a good trail - trees across a wooded path, signifying no vehicles have passed recently.

Take this second hike of today for instance. Within leaving US 29 pavement, and going about 100 yards, I could barely hear the road sounds due to the sharp dip into a valley and the hillside rising up behind me. In another 50 yards, I was smelling pine, hay, water from a pond instead of vehicle exhaust and human wastes. 

I ended up in the woods, past some farmlands watching the birds of prey swoop in for their meals, leaning my head back and watching cloud animals carouse in the heavenlies, and could hear the rustle of the ground hog that ran away from me, the birds chirping, and the wind blowing.  All of that is drowned out in my work and daily life. Yesterday I saw a panther cross in front of me!

When the black top ends, the fun really begins...

Part of the thoughts I blogged in my head were "That Confounded Meaning Of Life". Part were my goals. Part was the introduction I still need to get behind me to 1FW and Quest. Part of it was a bittersweet mix of ahhhhh and oh! Man! My 5 senses were LOVING me today on my hike. But my mind was kicking my rear end for how long it has been since I have done these very things that I so dearly love. 

I've been feeling like this fence...

In the title, I quote the state motto "Virginia Is For Lovers". This has a special meaning to me. When I was in the 7th grade, my parents took my brother and I on a vacation to the Blue Ridge Parkway, Appomattox Courthouse, Natural Bridge etc. They signed us out of school for a week in November to show these Florida kids Autumn colors for the first time.  

It was a great trip! Being in 7th grade, I suppose I was just beginning to notice boys for something other than to play baseball and climb trees with.  At the Natural Bridge, I recall one of the first of those sharp pangs of physical attraction. He was a tourist, with his girlfriend, and probably in his 20's. Aiyiyiyiyi.  I thought then, "This must be what VA is for lovers means?" 

Virginia is far enough South to still be genteel, make amazing sweet iced tea, and have moderate weather. They have such a rich and deep vein of history and heritage. Largely less populated than cities, their rolling farmlands and mountains preserve the feeling of the Old Days still live here. To me, Virginia reigns as one of the Top 5 spots in the USA that I have lost my breath (on more than one occasion) by gasping , "I could so totally see myself living here!"

It was at the spot where I turned around today that I had an awareness moment.   In September 2010, I discovered my breath, being fully Present, and mindful. One gift of that year was finding my friend, Mark Edgar Stephens' book "Who Are You Choosing To Be?"  The title says it all.  I had deliberate choice. If I didn't like my attitude, my moment? I can change it. Create and be the change I wished to see.  This was liberating to me!  That year I learned the sheer POWER of taking three deliberate slow breaths. I went on to learn no judgements, love, gratitude, forgiveness, letting go of what is no longer serving me, what is possible? And more.

As I stood at the turning point and watched the birds, I considered laying on the ground, watching the clouds and meditating. But I opted to stand there, loose, and to execute three deliberate, deep breaths.  

Each person will have their own interpretation. For me, I visualize clean, white, light, healing breath entering me, filling my spaces as far as I can open to them (usually it gets to my shoulders and gets bogged down). Then during my exhale, I see a dusty Pigpen cloud of any pain, disappointments, attitude or tension leaving my body.

 Breath #2 I fill the tight places in my body with more healing, white light....

Breath #3 I say on the inhale "I let go" and upon exhale, I say "I let God."

Then I usually open my eyes slowly and remain still. The colors are more vivid, the sounds obscure before, now twitter, and the smells begin to differentiate into nuances. 

However, I could not get to Breath #2.  My mind chatter was off the charts!  Racing!!!!   It was my weight, my measurements, my goals, the question that's always hot on my mind of "WHERE DO YOU WANT TO LIVE?". It was just a churning morass of NOISE in my head during what is usually my personal Quiet Time and sanity break.

Well then I was mad at myself. What?? You can't even do this for three breaths? What the #$*@ is wrong with you?!  Do it Again!  

.... same....

It took a third try, and actually I made myself do it about 5 breaths to see it through....

Then as I began to walk back to my truck, I pondered this. 

Fractured.  This was an Object Lesson of where my head, heart and soul is operating currently. Fractured.

My thoughts that are always way too deep, also now run  rampant, nonstop.  Lately my prayer and meditation life has been almost as labored as my 3 breath mindfulness.  My sleep and dreams show signs of being worse for the wear. My enthusiasm for life is still here, but has a covering of dust on the lenses.

Never know what piece of history awaits in the woods...

Lately, I've had the extreme priviledge of meeting up with  new and old friends  in my home area where I park my car, reconnecting with longtime friends and family from my hometown area, visiting friends across the USA, and exploring new days with strangers I meet along my travels.  This is a bit of my hesitations - while I look forward to the community, the support, knowledge, camaraderie and accountability of Quest? It's a lot to add to my usual solitude. I have been alone so long now, the noise of so many "voices" of people brushing up against me in a day on FB, Twitter, in person, in text etc is giving me the heebie jeebies.  LOL (Just keeping it real.)

As I prepared to enter the highway leading back to my truck, I recalled seeing a pond on my way in. Now the sun was a bit lower, my senses softened, and I heard the allure of water noises such as frogs, crickets, and fish popping the surface. A quick stop to the water's edge made something very clear to me.

When I do find somewhere to live, rent, settle down again?  I don't want to have to get in my car to drive to a place of Nature. In a meteor shower, I want to be able to simply step onto my porch, as opposed to having to drive to the beach hoping to escape noise and light pollution. I want to hear the frogs and crickets through the screens on my open doors and windows. It's great to go for walks, or drives to these places now. But my heart's desire would be to already reside there.  And this means South Florida or any other concrete jungle will never truly be HOME to me.

One more "Getting To Know You 101" for now - I know One Fit Widow  began by.... a widow!  There is awesome support and forum for all stages of grief, coping, life, fitness, health etc. You don't HAVE TO BE A WIDOW to participate or to benefit.

I am NOT a widow.  I was married for 15 years. Divorced over 14 years now.  

2001-2004 my girls and I met and spent wonderful time with someone we truly loved. I have to be honest and say he was the love of my life.  It was the RIGHT love, at the WRONG time.

Although, I have dated and had many friends and opportunities since the end of that particular relationship in Sept. 2004?  It can be said that my heart has just not been in it again.  

At this point, I have made peace with the silence, put a stuffed lion in the Empty Chair, and would absolutely prefer a new dog in my life than a new human!!!!   Again, wry laugh, just keeping it real!  

I have a GREAT life!  Actually living my dream, following my passions, loving people - friends, family, and strangers, ticking items off my "Living List" one by one, and having a ball out here hiking and exploring. 

Success in QUEST and a fit life will give me strength and energy in body and character to continue with such quality and zeal! 

I've enjoyed blogging again after that ringing silence of a year or more.  Anyone new to the blog, FB, my life or Journey is welcome to fish around. The blog began in Oct. 2010. Just a heads up, the blog was used as my PROCESS and is NOT always Inspirational or Positive.   But it's a pretty accurate graph of the last few years as I BECAME who I am today.  If you read in? Feel free to connect somehow and let me know what you think.

Ready to call it a night. It's been cathartic to write again, just as hiking and deliberately breathing was a welcome back to familiar segments of the jumble that is ME.

Looking behind to learn the lesson.

Looking today to seize the moment.

Looking ahead with joyful anticipation.

Let's do this thing!

~Jan~

Janet M. Olsen

An Invitation To Celebrate A Birthday With Me

At the time I was arrested I had no idea it would turn into this. It was just a day like any other day. The only thing that made it significant was that the masses of the people joined in. ~Rosa Parks 

     Click this link to see info on a movie that needs to be made - Thunder Road

     Sometimes it is amusing to watch people advertise "It's my birthday all week! Look at ME!" Just as funny to me are the casual social media "Hi Happy Birthday greetings" on your page from people that you haven't seen in 20 years and that will not talk to you again for the next 365 days. The commercialism and emphasis on holidays in general has me a bit jaded to the point where I am quite the Scrooge.  Every now and then, someone I truly care about, and interact with throughout the year will tweak a text or FB cheery greeting from me, but by and large? I have kept my birthday off the records for the past 13 years on purpose.


     This year, on my birthday, I have the opportunity through my OTR job to travel towards Boston, Massachusetts and will be in the vicinity of a Thunder Road event!! I will be sending my energy and blessings towards them. See the event here --->> http://www.bostonglobe.com/insiders

     I have Facebook, Twitter, email, text and in person followers from many walks of life and we met in such a wonderful bouquet of ways spanning our lifetimes. I got on FB in June 2008   to follow Pastor Hattabaugh and YOM '08 as they went to Peru. I had no idea 5 years later, I would be interacting, entertaining, and connecting with over 400 friends, family and people I genuinely care about! THANK YOU! 

     Some of you like to hear funny trucking stories, my dumb blonde goof ups,  or a Captain's Daily Log of life Over The Road. Often I get feedback from the photos that you feel as if you are travelling shotgun and enjoying the USA. From my side? I feel love, connection, accountability, and can stay grounded to who I have always been - - someone that lives to shine Light, share Joy, forward my service and financial means to others, and that loves God, family, friends, Country and all that I meet with my every fiber, every day. No strangers, just friends I haven't met yet.

     If you have tagged along for very long, you know I am not oblivious to Christmas or birthdays.  It's common for me to get a hotel room and then go buy and wrap gifts for the housekeeper's 4 kids and put them under the tree in the hotel lobby. Or to buy a meal for a senior, or a Veteran, a single parent several times a week.  I often tip 40% to my server, knowing they came to work for a reason and if I can bless them? I will do it. My very best friends and family receive random cards, flowers, gifts, poems and notes reminding them that I love them 365 days a year,,, not just on a birthday or holiday.

     HOWEVER!!!!  About three months ago, I decided to just let it be. I am STILL going to work my heart out on birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas and all the other holidays that are often lonely and just another calendar day.  But I've learned from my friend, Mark, to let all things be possible. To enjoy what shows up, and to be fully Present, enjoying THAT moment. No other moment in Life will ever be exactly the same, so I will savor and experience ALL of the gift of Right Now.

     THIS YEAR, I DO WANT A GIFT 

FOR MY BIRTHDAY! 

Before you read another line of my blog post, 

please *STOP* 

click this link www.ThunderRoadFilm.com .  

• Watch the short video. 
• Read the information presented. 
• Look at the incentives offered on the right. 
• Go back to the top of the page and click the "DONATE NOW" button and give a gift from your heart. 
• Then please share this link on all of your social media sites and in emails, texts, and phone calls with your friends until the goal is met.
• Continue sharing, linking, Tweeting and promoting until the production goal is met!

      This is what I want to share with you, all my friends and family this year.  It means very much to me. By learning about "Thunder Road" and becoming a part of helping to spread the word of their fundraising campaign on Kickstarter,  I have been educated, awakened, inspired and motivated to serve the men and women that have protected America with their lives. 

     The few men and women choose to leave their comfort, home, and families to go fight for you and I, then they return home with serious physical, mental, and emotional needs that many are unaware or unconcerned about. The time is NOW to become educated, stirred up, and called to action ourselves to create CHANGE to minister to the Veterans of US and British military that suffer from PTSD or Traumatic Brain Injury.

Statistics: 22 veterans every day commit suicide, and 1 active duty soldier and Marine commit suicide. This is a growing epidemic we know as PTSD. 

     Here is another link that contains background information on the 3 men working so hard to bring about Change and a movie in production that will  shed light on the subject no one wants to hear because it makes them uncomfortable. It gives the facts, history and statistics of WHY this movie MUST BE made *NOW!  

 Click here for more background info --->>   Thunder Road - Who Are We?

     What does this movie and subject have to do with my August 2013 birthday?  I have a request. There is something you can do for me. You won't have to see me, call me  - - - I am asking that you click www.ThunderRoadFilm.com RIGHT NOW and after taking a look around the page? Make a pledge and then SHARE on Thunder Road with your friends, family and those that can join us to make a difference and to be a part of the Change.

     Connected on Facebook?

  Click https://www.facebook.com/ThunderRoadKickstarter to instantly view photos, videos, news articles, interviews and fellow citizens uniting together for this great need in this hour. Like their page! Connect with them.  Share the page on your Facebook.

     Connected on Twitter?  Find them @AstoriaFilmCo  and join the conversation. Share, Connect, and become a part of the Change!

      Every one of us can be a part of this great mission and bring change through education, knowledge and compassion to effect the future care and health of our soldiers and returning veterans.  On my birthday, I will be hitting the streets posting fliers, talking to people, emailing, texting, Tweeting and continuing to lobby for Thunder Road Kickstarter to reach its goal. 

     Please join me? 

     If you know me? You realize I would not be enthusiastic about anything with a "political agenda" 

     This movie will be more focused on education and compassion. Many will go away stirred and feeling a call to action simply by wanting to create a positive shift and Change in the way we treat our soldiers and veterans. 

     I will end as I began, with a quote from Rosa Parks.  Who knows the scope a life will have, when all is said and done? Much to be considered, the choices are up to me to tend to as lovingly as a gardener of miracles.  Curious where I will be in life one year from today?

Memories of our lives, of our works and our deeds will continue in others.~ Rosa Parks 

With much love and respect,

~Jan M. Olsen~
~J~

ii John v. 12

www.ThunderRoadFilm.com

Blowing Like The Wind

It's been a wonderful weekend off duty!  This year brought unexpected challenges.  I went into Autumn 2012 a bit jaded and worn out. The year prior I had taken a fantastic Fall Color tour from Florida to New England and was not all that concerned to be sure I saw Fall this year. I'm glad God and Life happen in spite of me!

As I write now, I am sitting in my semi in South Florida ready to begin a new work series. The winds are sultry and tossing the green trees with playful abandon. I treated myself to a couple nights in a hotel on the Atlantic ocean. Enjoying the sun, the warm clear ocean waters, the shifting sands and the chilly nights, I had a lot of time to think, pray, sing, and just relax all the kinks in my mind, body, and spirit.

My Process was illustrated by the ocean's waves.  The rinsing inward, over the sands and curves of the earth seemed to be washing me of the remnants of gloomy dismay or cloudy anxiety that I held on to. The constant return of the seawater to the depths, carried bits of the shore with it, leaving it scrubbed fresh, new, and exciting.  I know poets and artists capture this all the time. I am very grateful I slowed everything about my hectic, frenetic pace to allow God to reassure me He reigns.

There is MUCH to be grateful for in my life! Family is beginning to reunite and to reach out to each other. Finances are moving along. Health is in God's hands. And I am eagerly writing my to-do list for my Israel trip in late November. Upon return, I have new and unexpected job and career opportunities offering themselves to me. I didn't seek them, instead I was "stuck".  I finally gave up demanding to know every itty bitty next move, and BAM!!  I get a phone call that shocks my world!

The winds that blew while I was on the ocean in the nights are the ones I loved the most recently! The day blew out, the chill and stars blew in. No bugs or tourists lingered. Only the fresh smells of healing and ocean and rest.  I like that, leaning into the wind, and picking up my feet, opening my wings and taking flight to Who Knows Where.

Ready to soar!
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Fall

It's that time of year where transition is expected.  In the case of Autumn colors, it may be welcome to signal the end of summer's heat. If you don't like to shovel snow, perhaps you are musing again about the Florida or other southern getaways?

I've become aware over the recent years how simple Change is to me. It is always Present, always flowing, and it's up to me to master my responses. As a person, I've come a long ways. I've had a tuck and roll approach to much of Life and that serves me well. It's time for Change again.

The cliches wander around my head. "Why make someone a priority in your life, when you are only and option in theirs?" "What am I holding onto that is no longer serving me?" Is it an address? A person? A job? An ideal?

The above list is where I am today.  Where do I want to live? Why? How much do I want to invest there? How long? How much is TOO much to take? What can I live with and accept as reasonable? What is my value, my worth? What are my needs and my responsibilities?

Who? What? Where? Why? How much? How long? What next?

One of the perks of my job is not knowing very far in advance what direction I will travel next. I don't know how long I will stay in an area or where I will spin to when one task is done. In my early 40's, I am beginning to think more often about retirement and insurance needs for the hazy "future".  I am already wishing I had taken better care of my body all along, and wondering how far will it hold out?

The same job though, also ensures I have no roots. No place to go. No attachments. You can't just up and STOP driving or working, because there is no where to land when the momentum runs out.

Much of my energy is wasted on people, places, things that have no effect on my future. I used to ask myself "Will it matter in 20 years?" I find myself wondering if today was worth my interest in a person, in a place or in an item I can hold. 

I still have two storage units full of  things that point back to "when I had a family". From the handmade Christmas ornaments, to the trophies and school mementos, I have rooms full of STUFF and I have not seen it all in years, and the people that share those memories have not seen them in many years. Why do I keep paying to store the Past? I don't know. Simply, I don't know.

I've learned that in order to move on, to be fully present, to be open to what God has next, I must first clear my mind, heart, soul and inner spaces to make room for new.  Prayer, meditation, and sorting the daily, weekly, monthly, yearly chatter in my mind, memories, current events, etc is required. Since I live and work alone, I write alot. Dance. Sing. Reach out to others.

There are certain times where I know or learn something. I really have no one-size-fits all outlet. Back to prayer, meditation, and personal writings. Right now, I have a huge burden of a knowledge entrusted into my care, that I can not tell anyone.  I've been in that place several times in my life, and I remember how the silence can be damaging. The Process is painful. And the end result is just another chapter.

I feel like the bent reed. God says he will not break the bent reed, or put out the smoking flax.  I've come this year into questioning my faith, my values, my loyalties, my honor, and myself.  I come up wanting.

I welcome Autumn. As I drive, the views are paintings on God's pallet with hues and wonders I can not comprehend nor capture in mere pixels and words.

An admission? I do not welcome winter. Already beginning to dread the earthly annual season, its challenges and discomforts, I also see a spiritual winter just ahead. Two years ago, I went sky diving for fun. Letting go, and simply falling was the neatest, most trusting experience I have ever encountered. I get a part of that thrill and trust when I ride motorcycles, and when I SCUBA dive. My problem is trusting in me, others, and laws that be,,, and not trusting wholly in God. He created me. He knows my beginning, my end, and my current wishes, hopes, and dreams.

Longing to fall again.....

Jan M. Olsen
~Jan~

The Butterfly Chaser's Letter

Today was a turning point for me! 

Have you ever been drawn to follow a bird, a butterfly, or the sounds of the woods until you are IN the forest?  The noises and movement that attracted you becomes eerily still. 

Do you wait, stand still, and simply breathe in and out?

Perhaps you BECOME a part of the forest, and one by one, nature entrusts you with her glory and she begins moving, breathing, singing again in and around you.

Today, I entrusted a friend of mine with a letter that was long in coming.  I began to "write" and all of the recent anxieties that grip my heart and throat poured out in a rush!  I wrote in a safe place, to a safe friend.  This reminds me some of prayers to God.  In my case, my personal cross that I bear and submit daily is my driving reliance on SELF - self-motivation, self-determination, self-provision, and so on. 

People like to mention the good things they see in me such as the Light (of God), my bounce and joy (of God) and my strength,,,, ut oh, too often that strength is "of Jan".  I end up bearing way more of the burden of this crazy life than I was ever designed to do.

My health, sleep, attitude, and spiritual life is drained by this SELF problem.

Funny, I didn't really write about SELF to my friend. He already knows me, and knows my issues and inner struggles.  No, today, I released the angst that bound me in knots lately. I told him at the end of the letter that I KNEW the weight was lifted, the chokehold burst!  Grateful!

I feel like today was a failure or shortcoming, when measured by own critical SELF barometer. I am an agressive and determined person, and as a driver, that is an asset.  Yet, today, I allowed personal weakness to stop me short of the goal.  I will make the same money on this trip whether it posts this week or next.  Usually, I rely on mySELF and I push through any physical, mental, emotional or spiritual pain.

Not today.

Instead, I parked 150 miles early, making it a grossly negligent short day on my job.  I felt led to get out of the truck to walk a bit.

That's when I heard IT!  The Siren call of the katydids in the wooded rest area!  Drawn further into the shadows, the songs of home in Central Florida and my youth rose and surged like the Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir.  Only this time, it was God's Creation!   I stopped just in the path and took first one cleansing breath, then a second, then, closing my eyes, a third, and I BECAME a part of the chorus of breath and pure expression God offered.

I am seeing light ahead of me from a recent battle.  It has been detailed and threatened my loved ones and ways I know to move in Life with them.

As for the Butterfly Chaser in me?  I remember in Fall 2011, God gave me a gift of a paid, working trip from Florida, all up through New England during the peak of Autumn colors.  On I-77 as NC gave way to VA, Maurice and I were talking. This was early in our friendship.  I remember telling him "I chose to be very Present and very grateful for today and this trip. If you want to share my joy WITH me, then we can talk along my drive.  But if you have need to be negative or to pop my Happy Bubbles?  Then we need to hang up and catch later.....  we ended up talking later.

There is nothing wrong with either of our approach to a day or to Life.  Over our year, I have found we complement each other well and add texture to the facets that make us who we are. 

This is where I am in this very Present Moment.  Anyone can CHOOSE to get in my bubble and share the gratitude, love, and forgiveness I have towards Life and others,,,, or we can hang up for awhile and see if we reconnect along the way. 

You choose.

For now?  I am content at becoming ONE with God's creation and experiencing the fullness of his glory again.

Thank you for every prayer, every word, every thought, every shared moment. 

I am back.

I am LION, hear me ROAR!
~Janet M. Olsen
~Jan~

ps. as I closed this, another driver came up to me, inviting me to join him and his wife for prayer. PEOPLE- I am at a rest area in rural Tennessee! only GOD feeds the sparrows like that! Only GOD!!!

Loss

I am at a loss. This is the first time I have been able to write a new entry. Several reasons.  My laptop was infected by a virus, and had to be wiped clean- again.  I lost all my music, 1,000's of photos, paid for and created videos, and all of my written documents. Everything. It feels a bit like a fire or flood must feel.  True, I still have me. And my computer.  A fresh slate should cheer me.  Instead, I am being real here where I can, I just feel loss.

Recently, friends and family have had loved ones taken in death or threatened by injury or serious illness.  I am at a loss for words.  Comfort is so rote and common.  I do not understand God or his ways and seem to be swimming in confusion.  If the posting after a silence was supposed to be joy and happy fluff, then this is the wrong blog.

Right now, I am typing in a new format and homescreen.  WTH even my blog did away with my familiar controls and buttons. Nothing is familiar. Just the sense of having been here before. Isolated and drifting. Yes. I know this Lost place. It is painful, but here I am again.

In many ways, my job and finances are booming.  I do not have self-discipline, or a hard heart though.  My money goes out as fast as it comes in. From loans to friends to go unnoticed, to helping hands to family, to spontaneous gifts of "blessings" to others,,, I give and give and give.  Funny, for some reason in my pain, I am wondering why people are so willing to "take"?  Then I am angered at myself to realise that I alone have created this monster.  I enabled those I care about and gave freely. Until they just move on. Leaving me feeling used like a sour dishrag. Meanwhile, they do not know how to fish and sustain themselves.

It's awkward to admit.  The one place I learned to feel safety and shelter... is the one place I let them see "me". I let down my guard of being tough and happy go lucky, and like I had things figured out.  In a roar, my pain and built up REAL came through, and I am so ashamed.  It took being numbed by alcohol to let my hurt have a voice, and that was risky and hurts me deeply itself.  I was then ,,,,, well, I fear in my impaired state I was disrepectful or harmful? To the people I care about the most?  I am hurting to see the damage and it is seeming easier to just leave. Again.

I used to say - proudly- that I am tenacious and steadfast.  Yet, whether I am the one that physically packs my stuff and slips away into the night, or whether I wage a Custer's Last Stand and die being stubborn?  The result is the same. I left my right mind and I got left behind.  I feel the pain of this loss and self-realization. 

I am worth respect.  I was enough to begin with, or no one would give me a second moment.  When did "enough" turn into too little?

So, I work. The one thing I excel at is my job and being gritty, determined.  I do not have energy to eat. I sleep as though a dead person, but dream in vivid colors and sound. I still have just enough of God in me to keep me miserable and enough holy vision as to know my own end.  I feel helpless to snap out of it and choose one road or another. Instead, I turn, side to side, and feel loss of direction and peace.  I am at war with myself and just want to be free of the hell in my mind and heart.

Music and the written word either bounce off my numb exterior, or sear my tender, wounded soul. I can't even find refuge in the places I always trusted.


All of the above said, and not a thing revealed, solved, or assauged.  Hah, bitter chuckle, that sounds alot like prayer.  Endless futility and painful loss.

I hope to shake the UGH soon and at least return to a normal happy-go-lucky outward bounce.  Since this is the first time admitting some of my churning thoughts in awhile, then maybe I can ferret out some sense, law, and order to my chaos.

Until then, there is still an anvil on my chest, a rock in my gut, and heavy darkness in my spirit. I am lost.

The Other Side of the sunny girl everyone sees,

Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Got To Tell Somebody

There's an older song by a folk/ gospel singer named Don Fransisco called "Got To Tell Somebody". It's the father's account of Jesus raising Jairus' daughter from the dead.  God says not to speak a word of how she was saved....

......(whisper) Got to tell somebody.....
......got to tell somebody....
......(crescendo) got to tell SOMEBODY....
..... got to TELL SOMEBODY......
.....got TO TELL SOMEBODY.....

I'VE GOT TO TELL SOMEBODY

 GOT TO TELL SOMEBODY...!!!!

A friend very special to me has had an amazing week.  From distractions to downright discouraging moments, to bittersweet relief to his determined act of self-surrender... to the turn around to the avalanche of blessings.... this man and his Journey has inspired me!  Watching him as he experiences God's blessings and provision and miracles has made me tender and overwhelmed again by that First Love of the newborn in God.

I taught him reflections and mirrors... he taught me that we can willfully affect our radiance and make a change for the better, the positive, and the hopeful.

To honor my friend, I had to tell somebody.  I am yelling from inside of me in Joy and process and in tenderized awe all over again.  I celebrate his transformation with him. 

I am renewed and caused to hunger again enjoying his  miraculous gifts.

I simply had to tell somebody!

Basking,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Change Taking Place

As I thought of the title to this entry, I was singing the song "Changes" by the 1980's group, YES and their "90125" album.



Change is abounding.  Whether it's the shift to Daylight Savings time this weekend, or Spring, new relationships, or clearing the way for new to enter a life?  Changes come in as inexorably as the tides upon the seashore. Like a wave, it brings in new treasures and takes out a piece of the beach as it rolls away.

Life is like that.  You spend a season or chapter of your life, and as time moves on, so do you.

Today in particular held such wide swings of highs and lows, celebrations and regrets, letting go and holding on.  I am left feeling wearily grateful overall. I am sad for the parts I should have done different or better as a person, but I am happy inside for shifts that came after years of prayer and seeking.  Change taking places.

I've cried several times today  and in the past few weeks.  A few times it was relief and joy.  A couple of times it was anger and frustration.  And sometimes, it was feeling hurt or let down by people I have near my life.  I don't want to close back up like a turtle, but, it is tempting.

I wrote for a full 90 minutes this morning shouting to the heavens in joy and excitement.... and I cannot let anything dim the truths from that.  The rest are just distractions and not where I am supposed to focus my attention.

If I remain true to my goals, passions, personal belief systems, I will add optimism and joy to my life.  I will weed out negativity, unbelief, and disregard,  This means it's time to cull my contacts again.  Changes.

Goals met and new ones formed for my job, family, health, spiritual pursuits, and interactions with the world around me.  I've had a great quarter in my job as a Commercial Truck Driver. I met a goal I set on March 23, 2001 just this past week on February 28th.  I have now been into all 48 Continental USA and Canada with my semi truck, The last two states were the Dakotas. Brrrrr in February, big grin.

My personal life of friends, family, loved ones, priorities, God, Country?  I am still trying.  I have a lot of shortcomings. But I want to improve.  I want to let my light shine and let go, let God.  Same old refrain, new day, new mercies.  Changes.

New friends, old friends.  Seasons, reasons.  Footprints and fellow travellers.  It's been a year of dynamic Changes.

I am scared of the near future.  A sign that I should push on.  If I were to remain rooted in the past or inside the box?  I would not be me.  I would be static.   This is not a true sign of the inner me.

The way I will end tonight, after this blog, is to pray, meditate, and probably cry again as I get in the bunk. Some highs and lows. Some happy, some mad, some sad, some disappointments.  All of it small in the 20 year rule.  Changes.

Looking ahead with anticipation,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
CHANGES - 90125 YES

I'm moving through some changes
I'll never be the same
Something you did touched me
There's no one else to blame

The love we had has fallen
The love we used to share
We've given up pretending
As if you didn't care

Change changing places
Root yourself to the ground
Capitalize on this good fortune
One word can bring you round
Changes

I look into the mirror
I see no happiness
All the warmth I gave you
Has turned to emptiness
The love we had has fallen
The love we used to share
You've left me here believing
In love that wasn't there

Change changing places
Root yourself to the ground
Word to the wise - Well you get what's coming
One word can bring you round
Changes

When I look into your eyes and try to find out how
There's no way to save it now
And everything I feel
Changes
Keep looking for
Changes
Changes

For some reason you're questioning why
I always believe it gets better
One difference between you and I
Your heart is inside your head One word from you
One word from me
A clear design on your liberty
Who could believe when love has gone
How we move on like everyone

Only such fools
Only such jealous hearts

Only through love changes come

Change changing places
Root yourself to the ground
Capitalize on this good fortune
One word can bring you round
Changes

One road to loneliness
It's always the same
One road to happiness
It's calling your name

Change changing places - Changes
Root yourself to the ground
Capitalize on this good fortune
One word can bring you round
Changes

Change changing places
Changes
Root yourself to the ground
Word to the wise - Well you get what's coming
One word - One word can bring you round
Changes

This Must Be My Writing Space

I had a great laugh out loud just now.  I had packed my duffle bag with dress and playtime clothes anticipating  the next 2 days off duty from my semi truck.  I am backed into a dock in one of the tightest receivers we frequent. I had sent texts to a handful of people to touch base to remind them I have not forgotten them or their faithful patience. I had conditioned and combed through my unruly, truck driver's bed head.   And then I plopped into the driver's seat.  I refreshed my web browser and had a WAVE of GRATITUDE come over me.  

It seems this location is prime Writing Space?  Once when I was here on December 29, 2010 a torrent of words fought to get typed in a coherent form and I spewed all of the "IT" that had been holding me bondage to dis-ease, unforgiveness, pain of heart and of body!  I wrote over 12 pages on a PDF and when I was wearily trying to find a cute ending?  I was so darned relieved to be free of the poison of "IT" that had sat so deep in my soul and gut all of my entire life!!!!!!!!!!!!!   I was speechless :)

Quick to recognize that GRATIUDE feeling, I had an urge to write again.  A follow-up of GRATITUDE for the recent battles. As quick as I could, I cued up this blog, and the USUAL happened here again.  Just as I crack my knuckles and sharpen my pencil to write? The receiver comes out to say I am done and I am free to leave.

WOW! 

See, this is a perfect example of things not being as hard or bad as they seem.  I dread this receiver for all the logistical hoops it takes just to get to the dock door.  It's to the point I will beg for a different load when I see this one pop up.  But once I just do it, and set the brake, backed up to the dock door? I always have the most beautiful of clarity and clear space rush through me.

It's like when you are practising yoga and in a sublime Kundalini experience, your Chakras all align suddenly. After the initial pop, and rush of clear fluid and slightly nauseating WHOOSH from utter dismay to peace?  Well, the room, the space around you, and the people you share the energy with all uniquely BREATHE in PEACE, HARMONY, and JOY.

Or in a prayer service, when you KNOW each of you have God in you, and you assemble together, that MOMENT when God's Shekinah glory just covers and infuses everyone present as you come into a place of "one mind, one accord" and God is free to move from among the stuff and shadows we humans carry like sacks of burdens.    You can smell His aroma, feel the warmth, see His light, and peace and Knowing floods your soul.

THAT is what I get when the inspiration to write settles on me like a mantle at this "writing space" in Pompano Beach.....

Now, I am ready to move on, and did not yet write the GRATITUDE stuff after all.  Big grin!  I am already feeling the let down of tension and the release of having said "IT" because I took time to BE Gratitude, to FEEL Gratitude, and to ALLOW Gratitude.

This time, I talked to Alisha by text message and to my special friend who is many, many miles and time zones away.  And they let me tell of my Grateful Mood,, and they both had sincere  FLOODS of clarity, inspiration, and Gratitude also.  I am smiling as  we built a triad of East coast, Heartland states of Indianna, and of the Rocky Mountain.... three hours on the clock,  three heartbeats, ONE MESSAGE!  Hopeful GRATITUDE!!!

From my last blog questioning WHY of God, to today, so many GOOD shifts for so many I am intimately involved with.   Nanci is rocking the state of Florida's education System. Angel and Aaron spent a precious surprise weekday visit with me. Angel got great news from the doctor regarding her knee injury and a new plan of action.  My special friend has had hope and inspiration breathed into his situations. Alisha has gotten moved into her new apartment, is safe, and is establishing a routine and consistent experience of SUCCESSFUL moments in her new life as a single mom and warrior. 


When I was down, I surrounded myself with people I trusted to have my back. They had empathy, compassion, and a ready hand or ear to hear.  We covered the 24 hour clock by exhorting one another to hang in there, try this, hold on!!! 

And the new week is smoothing out to a tolerable rumble.

Now that I am on the swing of emerging from that down funk and period of self-doubt, once again, God provides me with the miraculous by sending my special friends, family and loved ones to parade their joys and triumphs as well.

I am just so GRATEFUL!

For now, I have a 3 star, luxury hotel that I paid less than 40% of the normal rate to enjoy beckoning me. I missed church this morning, but I have the opportunity to enjoy God's creation now, and freshen up in time for service with POCC tonight.
 

My semi is parked, bags packed, heart and mind renewed and I am inspired again.

Writing and listening to my Inspirationators.

Jan M. Olsen

~J~

II John v. 12

A Gaze Into The Face Of God

          Recently I had a bittersweet visit with my daughter and two grandboys in Colorado.  Now, the family time, bonding, sharing was essential and beautiful.  It was an intervention visit though, and gives me mixed feelings.  Somewhere along this path, I have lost my words to write or express my personal reality.  This is a non-tangible injustice, and THIS I can focus my angst and frustrations upon with a vengeance.  I can be mad at myself and my frailties as a human, and give generously of  love, forgiveness and more love to those outside.  Right off the bat, I am not able to find much for which to be “grateful” in any way more meaningful than a surface platitude. This is so out of character for me, that this pain alone is stealing my joy and breath at times.

          At this moment I question “Why?!” in a most angry, and wounded way. It does not help to know that I join everyone along the way at some point. I try to convince myself that my questions are honest conversations between God and myself, and not representations of doubt or unbelief in my sovereign, just God.  Then again, what is my Truth right now?

          Anger is such a bitter root. It is so uncharacteristic of me to be angry more than a five minute temper.  Then to live in a space of anger and anxiety is sapping me, when truly, I am “needed” more now than ever.  At risk of “FAILING” to be of use to God, self, or others, I am in a pain and fire in my heart, soul, and spirit. At odds with myself, I am consumed with just getting by, no longer able to even visualize the bright future or the cloud of rain the size of a man’s hand.

I hurt.

          How dumb for me to hurt. How insensitive and arrogant.  This is crippling to me when others look to me to be the bringer of light or positive to a dark situation.  When does righteous anger and indignation turn to vindictive rant or vigilante justice? It is not up to me to judge a man or situation, merely to champion what is right, good, and pleasing to God.  I do not look good to myself toting a pitchfork and lantern of a witch hunt. Instead, I hurt inside for ALL involved.

          My tears are bitter and feel like fire. I cry them alone, in my most secret place. To share them would be to hinder, not to help another. Why would I be a stumbling block, instead of a hand to help raise someone to the Light? This goes against my every calling or hope in this life.

          There is an older, gentle song by a group named 4HIM titled simply “Why”.  Here are a few of the words to this ballad:

They say that into every life Some rain must fall
For the pain is no respector Of the mighty or the small
But sometimes It just seems so Unfair
To see the One who’s had More than His share
Oh it makes you wonder why…

And Lord,  I wouldn’t second guess Your mighty plan
For I know You have a purpose That’s beyond the scope of man
If You look inside my heart You will find
That I have always been The Trusting kind
Oh but still I wonder

CHORUS
Why
Do the rainy days have to come
When the storm clouds hide the sun
I wanna know why
Why
When the reasons aren’t clear to me
When it all is a mystery
I want to know why
And though down here
I may not understand
I won’t let go
Of the Unseen hand
For It holds the reasons why

The Lord has never been afraid Of honest prayers
And He won’t allow the burden To be more than you can bear
When He knows that you’re trust Is in Him
He doesn’t mind the questionsNow and then
Even if you wonder….

Why.

            So, in a secret shame, I admit now to wondering “WHY”.  Why did mankind imbibe the Original sin, that cast the seeds onto us all? Why do murderers, rapists, abusers or thieves exist, much less go free to TAKE from another? Why does sickness such as cancer or dementia run rampant? Why death? Why harm to others?  Why the innocent, God? Huh? Why?!

          I KNOW it is not up to me to question God, or to judge. Overall, my personality is of a lover, not a fighter. Of peace, not of dissention. Of hope, not of despair. Circumstances lately have me weary and asking honest questions of WHY.

          In a vulnerable moment, I will admit here that I have physical pain regularly that is unexplained and unchecked by modern medicine.  I have been the victim of abuse, and know many others also.  I live alone, partly by choice, partly because I do not see any other way.  This latest attack of WHY, though, stems from ordeals my two daughters are experiencing RIGHT NOW. Their privacy is tantamount. This blog is not about revealing their circumstances. I am merely Processing my own feeling, beliefs, and pain regarding the WHYs in Life.

          Blessed to spend ten days with my daughter and two grandsons, I had a very poignant moment.  The older boy, Jeremiah is almost 2 years old. He is precocious and smart. He does things calculated to get attention, be it negative or positive.  He is old enough to premeditate to a degree, to be sneaky, to tempt our good sense of humor.  Yet, he has been holding pure expression inward. So young. This is sad to me. When he became comfortable, and relaxed to being in a loving, caring, nurturing, SAFE environment, he became a babbling brook. He snuggles, he is generous, he is selfish as only a two year old can be , he is lively and amuzing.

         

          But it was a particular photograph I took of the younger boy, Terran that rocked me to my core.  I “verbalized” my inner thoughts briefly, and have been vexxed by them ever since.  Terran is almost 7 months old. Very slight of build, the pure skin and breath of the innocent child that merely cries when he is hungry, wet, scared or hurt. 

Terran does not (yet) seem to know how to manipulate to get his “way”.  He lives to smile, chew, sleep, and reach out to touch you.  It was in a moment captured on digital image, that I saw the face of God…. I saw the potential mankind has. And I realized, that this is one of the last moments of his innocence.  Soon, he will adapt and surround himself with survival and vie for  position in our world of “ME FIRST”.  That may perhaps be the last gentle image… before he becomes like every other person.

It’s likely that Life will toughen him up. This realization made me sad inside my core being.  Oh how I long for Life and God to generously allow us to retain our innocence, our gentleness, and our simple joy in the simple pleasures of touch, love, sustenance and light. Little Terran looked up at me with such awe, such love, such trust…. And does not know my feet of clay and how in some way, big or small, I will fail him along the way.

Funny how Life’s stressors can prompt reunions, reconnections, even reconciliations. I felt a need to reach out to assemble prayer warriors, strong arm champions, and a wide range of people to complement each other to bring a balance of perspective, talents, resources into my recent “crisis”.  Maybe the world did not need more marshmellows in the Justice department like me. Maybe it needs less of the bitter and the fervent retalitory soldiers of self-named Right and Wrong.  Prayer and a return to the Basics seemed to be in order. And reminding first myself, then Others to practice Love- Gratitude- Forgiveness even when faced by a night so black it hurts.

In this moment, a few people asked me questions I found to be odd. They asked how I am holding up, how I am taking things, how and I doing?  My answer is swift and sure, and I mean it with all of my heart. I have FAITH in GOD to be just, and real, and soveriegn.

But inside, when the babies are fed, clean, snuggled and loved into bed….. and when my girl collapses exhausted in a heap on the bare carpet, with her shoes still on,,,, or when she breaks and pours the tears that are such a proven vital part of the Process…..  I am angry, I am hurting, I am asking WHY,Dammit, WHY!!!

This makes me cry to admit it in print. Can you only imagine the angst it causes me as I stand humbled and broken before God?  The choking and drowning sensations of not knowing what do I REALLY believe in after all?

I want to have the Right Answers. I want to be of great help and service. I want justice to prevail, in God’s complete understanding of the FINAL, ETERNAL outcomes.

I just want release and respite.  I know I am not alone, when the hard times come. People go through mountains and valleys all the time.  Like I told my daughter in a conversation about my divorce over a decade ago, “It did not help me to hear “I know how you feel. I’ve been there”. I did not want ANYONE to feel the pain I feel.  I am also not alone because friends, family and loved ones rally in all the ways unique to people with finances, suggestions, prayers, advice…. Talking to a second cousin on the phone who is close in age to my own children drove this point home. We are truly all connected. Not one of us is alone.  We are all valid and unique. We respond and offer ourselves in myriads of ways, often depending upon the stage of the Process we are in.

What am I blessed or grateful for in this recent “trial”?  That my daughter and I reuinited in October 2010 and the groundwork was laid ahead of time for our joining forces to overcome adversity now.  I am grateful nothing is as bad as it seems or as it could be. I am blessed to know spiritually that God is at work on very INDIVIDUAL basis and he has a Plan and Purpose for EVERYTHING if we will let Him work and BE GOD. I am grateful for resources of time, money, presence and history to be available to be there by my daughter’s side at a very critical juncture of her life.

Each of us will stand at a crossroads of decision at some point in our life. How we cope, how we respond, how we trust in God is our own individual Journey of Faith, Hope, and Amazing Grace. For now, this evening after I have returned to work to face frustrations there and my sadness to leave my loved ones for another chapter, I am processing. I am not very gentle with myself. And OH GOD! I hurt inside with anger and indignation and I feel so inadequate and alone.

  I am mad at God, at certain people, and at my own shortcomings!  But I am going to bow down and give these honest feelings and questions of WHY to God. I will have every intention of placing myself fully on the altar and of surrendering me – the need to control.  The need to KNOW and the need that is inherent within me to FIX or HELP.  Those last few were never my gift to give – they are a God trait. Who knows, I may get peace soon.

God knows. He knows the reason WHY.

I am including a You Tube link to 4 Him and their song “Why”. Enjoy. If you feel led to pray for us  reach out to me or to someone God places on your heart, I humbly ask you to obey.  Be slow to anger, slow to judge, and quick to offer love, mercy, and a hand to connect someone to God.

http://youtu.be/baRHkrw10uY

((In my own stubborn desire to yell YOP and be heard? I am not going to scroll up to edit or proofread this blog.  My thoughts are mine for this space in Time. The grammar can be overlooked, if you know that I have the best at my core being.))


Jan M. Olsen
~J~