It's that time of year where transition is expected. In the case of Autumn colors, it may be welcome to signal the end of summer's heat. If you don't like to shovel snow, perhaps you are musing again about the Florida or other southern getaways?
I've become aware over the recent years how simple Change is to me. It is always Present, always flowing, and it's up to me to master my responses. As a person, I've come a long ways. I've had a tuck and roll approach to much of Life and that serves me well. It's time for Change again.
The cliches wander around my head. "Why make someone a priority in your life, when you are only and option in theirs?" "What am I holding onto that is no longer serving me?" Is it an address? A person? A job? An ideal?
The above list is where I am today. Where do I want to live? Why? How much do I want to invest there? How long? How much is TOO much to take? What can I live with and accept as reasonable? What is my value, my worth? What are my needs and my responsibilities?
Who? What? Where? Why? How much? How long? What next?
One of the perks of my job is not knowing very far in advance what direction I will travel next. I don't know how long I will stay in an area or where I will spin to when one task is done. In my early 40's, I am beginning to think more often about retirement and insurance needs for the hazy "future". I am already wishing I had taken better care of my body all along, and wondering how far will it hold out?
The same job though, also ensures I have no roots. No place to go. No attachments. You can't just up and STOP driving or working, because there is no where to land when the momentum runs out.
Much of my energy is wasted on people, places, things that have no effect on my future. I used to ask myself "Will it matter in 20 years?" I find myself wondering if today was worth my interest in a person, in a place or in an item I can hold.
I still have two storage units full of things that point back to "when I had a family". From the handmade Christmas ornaments, to the trophies and school mementos, I have rooms full of STUFF and I have not seen it all in years, and the people that share those memories have not seen them in many years. Why do I keep paying to store the Past? I don't know. Simply, I don't know.
I've learned that in order to move on, to be fully present, to be open to what God has next, I must first clear my mind, heart, soul and inner spaces to make room for new. Prayer, meditation, and sorting the daily, weekly, monthly, yearly chatter in my mind, memories, current events, etc is required. Since I live and work alone, I write alot. Dance. Sing. Reach out to others.
There are certain times where I know or learn something. I really have no one-size-fits all outlet. Back to prayer, meditation, and personal writings. Right now, I have a huge burden of a knowledge entrusted into my care, that I can not tell anyone. I've been in that place several times in my life, and I remember how the silence can be damaging. The Process is painful. And the end result is just another chapter.
I feel like the bent reed. God says he will not break the bent reed, or put out the smoking flax. I've come this year into questioning my faith, my values, my loyalties, my honor, and myself. I come up wanting.
I welcome Autumn. As I drive, the views are paintings on God's pallet with hues and wonders I can not comprehend nor capture in mere pixels and words.
An admission? I do not welcome winter. Already beginning to dread the earthly annual season, its challenges and discomforts, I also see a spiritual winter just ahead. Two years ago, I went sky diving for fun. Letting go, and simply falling was the neatest, most trusting experience I have ever encountered. I get a part of that thrill and trust when I ride motorcycles, and when I SCUBA dive. My problem is trusting in me, others, and laws that be,,, and not trusting wholly in God. He created me. He knows my beginning, my end, and my current wishes, hopes, and dreams.
Longing to fall again.....
Jan M. Olsen
~Jan~
Essence
I shall be at peace when the lion within can lie down with the lamb.
Friday, September 14, 2012
Friday, August 24, 2012
The Butterfly Chaser's Letter
Today was a turning point for me!
Have you ever been drawn to follow a bird, a butterfly, or the sounds of the woods until you are IN the forest? The noises and movement that attracted you becomes eerily still.
Do you wait, stand still, and simply breathe in and out?
Perhaps you BECOME a part of the forest, and one by one, nature entrusts you with her glory and she begins moving, breathing, singing again in and around you.
Today, I entrusted a friend of mine with a letter that was long in coming. I began to "write" and all of the recent anxieties that grip my heart and throat poured out in a rush! I wrote in a safe place, to a safe friend. This reminds me some of prayers to God. In my case, my personal cross that I bear and submit daily is my driving reliance on SELF - self-motivation, self-determination, self-provision, and so on.
People like to mention the good things they see in me such as the Light (of God), my bounce and joy (of God) and my strength,,,, ut oh, too often that strength is "of Jan". I end up bearing way more of the burden of this crazy life than I was ever designed to do.
My health, sleep, attitude, and spiritual life is drained by this SELF problem.
Funny, I didn't really write about SELF to my friend. He already knows me, and knows my issues and inner struggles. No, today, I released the angst that bound me in knots lately. I told him at the end of the letter that I KNEW the weight was lifted, the chokehold burst! Grateful!
I feel like today was a failure or shortcoming, when measured by own critical SELF barometer. I am an agressive and determined person, and as a driver, that is an asset. Yet, today, I allowed personal weakness to stop me short of the goal. I will make the same money on this trip whether it posts this week or next. Usually, I rely on mySELF and I push through any physical, mental, emotional or spiritual pain.
Not today.
Instead, I parked 150 miles early, making it a grossly negligent short day on my job. I felt led to get out of the truck to walk a bit.
That's when I heard IT! The Siren call of the katydids in the wooded rest area! Drawn further into the shadows, the songs of home in Central Florida and my youth rose and surged like the Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir. Only this time, it was God's Creation! I stopped just in the path and took first one cleansing breath, then a second, then, closing my eyes, a third, and I BECAME a part of the chorus of breath and pure expression God offered.
I am seeing light ahead of me from a recent battle. It has been detailed and threatened my loved ones and ways I know to move in Life with them.
As for the Butterfly Chaser in me? I remember in Fall 2011, God gave me a gift of a paid, working trip from Florida, all up through New England during the peak of Autumn colors. On I-77 as NC gave way to VA, Maurice and I were talking. This was early in our friendship. I remember telling him "I chose to be very Present and very grateful for today and this trip. If you want to share my joy WITH me, then we can talk along my drive. But if you have need to be negative or to pop my Happy Bubbles? Then we need to hang up and catch later..... we ended up talking later.
There is nothing wrong with either of our approach to a day or to Life. Over our year, I have found we complement each other well and add texture to the facets that make us who we are.
This is where I am in this very Present Moment. Anyone can CHOOSE to get in my bubble and share the gratitude, love, and forgiveness I have towards Life and others,,,, or we can hang up for awhile and see if we reconnect along the way.
You choose.
For now? I am content at becoming ONE with God's creation and experiencing the fullness of his glory again.
Thank you for every prayer, every word, every thought, every shared moment.
I am back.
I am LION, hear me ROAR!
~Janet M. Olsen
~Jan~
ps. as I closed this, another driver came up to me, inviting me to join him and his wife for prayer. PEOPLE- I am at a rest area in rural Tennessee! only GOD feeds the sparrows like that! Only GOD!!!
Have you ever been drawn to follow a bird, a butterfly, or the sounds of the woods until you are IN the forest? The noises and movement that attracted you becomes eerily still.
Do you wait, stand still, and simply breathe in and out?
Perhaps you BECOME a part of the forest, and one by one, nature entrusts you with her glory and she begins moving, breathing, singing again in and around you.
Today, I entrusted a friend of mine with a letter that was long in coming. I began to "write" and all of the recent anxieties that grip my heart and throat poured out in a rush! I wrote in a safe place, to a safe friend. This reminds me some of prayers to God. In my case, my personal cross that I bear and submit daily is my driving reliance on SELF - self-motivation, self-determination, self-provision, and so on.
People like to mention the good things they see in me such as the Light (of God), my bounce and joy (of God) and my strength,,,, ut oh, too often that strength is "of Jan". I end up bearing way more of the burden of this crazy life than I was ever designed to do.
My health, sleep, attitude, and spiritual life is drained by this SELF problem.
Funny, I didn't really write about SELF to my friend. He already knows me, and knows my issues and inner struggles. No, today, I released the angst that bound me in knots lately. I told him at the end of the letter that I KNEW the weight was lifted, the chokehold burst! Grateful!
I feel like today was a failure or shortcoming, when measured by own critical SELF barometer. I am an agressive and determined person, and as a driver, that is an asset. Yet, today, I allowed personal weakness to stop me short of the goal. I will make the same money on this trip whether it posts this week or next. Usually, I rely on mySELF and I push through any physical, mental, emotional or spiritual pain.
Not today.
Instead, I parked 150 miles early, making it a grossly negligent short day on my job. I felt led to get out of the truck to walk a bit.
That's when I heard IT! The Siren call of the katydids in the wooded rest area! Drawn further into the shadows, the songs of home in Central Florida and my youth rose and surged like the Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir. Only this time, it was God's Creation! I stopped just in the path and took first one cleansing breath, then a second, then, closing my eyes, a third, and I BECAME a part of the chorus of breath and pure expression God offered.
I am seeing light ahead of me from a recent battle. It has been detailed and threatened my loved ones and ways I know to move in Life with them.
As for the Butterfly Chaser in me? I remember in Fall 2011, God gave me a gift of a paid, working trip from Florida, all up through New England during the peak of Autumn colors. On I-77 as NC gave way to VA, Maurice and I were talking. This was early in our friendship. I remember telling him "I chose to be very Present and very grateful for today and this trip. If you want to share my joy WITH me, then we can talk along my drive. But if you have need to be negative or to pop my Happy Bubbles? Then we need to hang up and catch later..... we ended up talking later.
There is nothing wrong with either of our approach to a day or to Life. Over our year, I have found we complement each other well and add texture to the facets that make us who we are.
This is where I am in this very Present Moment. Anyone can CHOOSE to get in my bubble and share the gratitude, love, and forgiveness I have towards Life and others,,,, or we can hang up for awhile and see if we reconnect along the way.
You choose.
For now? I am content at becoming ONE with God's creation and experiencing the fullness of his glory again.
Thank you for every prayer, every word, every thought, every shared moment.
I am back.
I am LION, hear me ROAR!
~Janet M. Olsen
~Jan~
ps. as I closed this, another driver came up to me, inviting me to join him and his wife for prayer. PEOPLE- I am at a rest area in rural Tennessee! only GOD feeds the sparrows like that! Only GOD!!!
Friday, May 11, 2012
Loss
I am at a loss. This is the first time I have been able to write a new entry. Several reasons. My laptop was infected by a virus, and had to be wiped clean- again. I lost all my music, 1,000's of photos, paid for and created videos, and all of my written documents. Everything. It feels a bit like a fire or flood must feel. True, I still have me. And my computer. A fresh slate should cheer me. Instead, I am being real here where I can, I just feel loss.
Recently, friends and family have had loved ones taken in death or threatened by injury or serious illness. I am at a loss for words. Comfort is so rote and common. I do not understand God or his ways and seem to be swimming in confusion. If the posting after a silence was supposed to be joy and happy fluff, then this is the wrong blog.
Right now, I am typing in a new format and homescreen. WTH even my blog did away with my familiar controls and buttons. Nothing is familiar. Just the sense of having been here before. Isolated and drifting. Yes. I know this Lost place. It is painful, but here I am again.
In many ways, my job and finances are booming. I do not have self-discipline, or a hard heart though. My money goes out as fast as it comes in. From loans to friends to go unnoticed, to helping hands to family, to spontaneous gifts of "blessings" to others,,, I give and give and give. Funny, for some reason in my pain, I am wondering why people are so willing to "take"? Then I am angered at myself to realise that I alone have created this monster. I enabled those I care about and gave freely. Until they just move on. Leaving me feeling used like a sour dishrag. Meanwhile, they do not know how to fish and sustain themselves.
It's awkward to admit. The one place I learned to feel safety and shelter... is the one place I let them see "me". I let down my guard of being tough and happy go lucky, and like I had things figured out. In a roar, my pain and built up REAL came through, and I am so ashamed. It took being numbed by alcohol to let my hurt have a voice, and that was risky and hurts me deeply itself. I was then ,,,,, well, I fear in my impaired state I was disrepectful or harmful? To the people I care about the most? I am hurting to see the damage and it is seeming easier to just leave. Again.
I used to say - proudly- that I am tenacious and steadfast. Yet, whether I am the one that physically packs my stuff and slips away into the night, or whether I wage a Custer's Last Stand and die being stubborn? The result is the same. I left my right mind and I got left behind. I feel the pain of this loss and self-realization.
I am worth respect. I was enough to begin with, or no one would give me a second moment. When did "enough" turn into too little?
So, I work. The one thing I excel at is my job and being gritty, determined. I do not have energy to eat. I sleep as though a dead person, but dream in vivid colors and sound. I still have just enough of God in me to keep me miserable and enough holy vision as to know my own end. I feel helpless to snap out of it and choose one road or another. Instead, I turn, side to side, and feel loss of direction and peace. I am at war with myself and just want to be free of the hell in my mind and heart.
Music and the written word either bounce off my numb exterior, or sear my tender, wounded soul. I can't even find refuge in the places I always trusted.
All of the above said, and not a thing revealed, solved, or assauged. Hah, bitter chuckle, that sounds alot like prayer. Endless futility and painful loss.
I hope to shake the UGH soon and at least return to a normal happy-go-lucky outward bounce. Since this is the first time admitting some of my churning thoughts in awhile, then maybe I can ferret out some sense, law, and order to my chaos.
Until then, there is still an anvil on my chest, a rock in my gut, and heavy darkness in my spirit. I am lost.
The Other Side of the sunny girl everyone sees,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Recently, friends and family have had loved ones taken in death or threatened by injury or serious illness. I am at a loss for words. Comfort is so rote and common. I do not understand God or his ways and seem to be swimming in confusion. If the posting after a silence was supposed to be joy and happy fluff, then this is the wrong blog.
Right now, I am typing in a new format and homescreen. WTH even my blog did away with my familiar controls and buttons. Nothing is familiar. Just the sense of having been here before. Isolated and drifting. Yes. I know this Lost place. It is painful, but here I am again.
In many ways, my job and finances are booming. I do not have self-discipline, or a hard heart though. My money goes out as fast as it comes in. From loans to friends to go unnoticed, to helping hands to family, to spontaneous gifts of "blessings" to others,,, I give and give and give. Funny, for some reason in my pain, I am wondering why people are so willing to "take"? Then I am angered at myself to realise that I alone have created this monster. I enabled those I care about and gave freely. Until they just move on. Leaving me feeling used like a sour dishrag. Meanwhile, they do not know how to fish and sustain themselves.
It's awkward to admit. The one place I learned to feel safety and shelter... is the one place I let them see "me". I let down my guard of being tough and happy go lucky, and like I had things figured out. In a roar, my pain and built up REAL came through, and I am so ashamed. It took being numbed by alcohol to let my hurt have a voice, and that was risky and hurts me deeply itself. I was then ,,,,, well, I fear in my impaired state I was disrepectful or harmful? To the people I care about the most? I am hurting to see the damage and it is seeming easier to just leave. Again.
I used to say - proudly- that I am tenacious and steadfast. Yet, whether I am the one that physically packs my stuff and slips away into the night, or whether I wage a Custer's Last Stand and die being stubborn? The result is the same. I left my right mind and I got left behind. I feel the pain of this loss and self-realization.
I am worth respect. I was enough to begin with, or no one would give me a second moment. When did "enough" turn into too little?
So, I work. The one thing I excel at is my job and being gritty, determined. I do not have energy to eat. I sleep as though a dead person, but dream in vivid colors and sound. I still have just enough of God in me to keep me miserable and enough holy vision as to know my own end. I feel helpless to snap out of it and choose one road or another. Instead, I turn, side to side, and feel loss of direction and peace. I am at war with myself and just want to be free of the hell in my mind and heart.
Music and the written word either bounce off my numb exterior, or sear my tender, wounded soul. I can't even find refuge in the places I always trusted.
All of the above said, and not a thing revealed, solved, or assauged. Hah, bitter chuckle, that sounds alot like prayer. Endless futility and painful loss.
I hope to shake the UGH soon and at least return to a normal happy-go-lucky outward bounce. Since this is the first time admitting some of my churning thoughts in awhile, then maybe I can ferret out some sense, law, and order to my chaos.
Until then, there is still an anvil on my chest, a rock in my gut, and heavy darkness in my spirit. I am lost.
The Other Side of the sunny girl everyone sees,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Got To Tell Somebody
There's an older song by a folk/ gospel singer named Don Fransisco called "Got To Tell Somebody". It's the father's account of Jesus raising Jairus' daughter from the dead. God says not to speak a word of how she was saved....
......(whisper) Got to tell somebody.....
......got to tell somebody....
......(crescendo) got to tell SOMEBODY....
..... got to TELL SOMEBODY......
.....got TO TELL SOMEBODY.....
I'VE GOT TO TELL SOMEBODY
A friend very special to me has had an amazing week. From distractions to downright discouraging moments, to bittersweet relief to his determined act of self-surrender... to the turn around to the avalanche of blessings.... this man and his Journey has inspired me! Watching him as he experiences God's blessings and provision and miracles has made me tender and overwhelmed again by that First Love of the newborn in God.
I taught him reflections and mirrors... he taught me that we can willfully affect our radiance and make a change for the better, the positive, and the hopeful.
To honor my friend, I had to tell somebody. I am yelling from inside of me in Joy and process and in tenderized awe all over again. I celebrate his transformation with him.
I am renewed and caused to hunger again enjoying his miraculous gifts.
I simply had to tell somebody!
Basking,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
......(whisper) Got to tell somebody.....
......got to tell somebody....
......(crescendo) got to tell SOMEBODY....
..... got to TELL SOMEBODY......
.....got TO TELL SOMEBODY.....
I'VE GOT TO TELL SOMEBODY
GOT TO TELL SOMEBODY...!!!!
A friend very special to me has had an amazing week. From distractions to downright discouraging moments, to bittersweet relief to his determined act of self-surrender... to the turn around to the avalanche of blessings.... this man and his Journey has inspired me! Watching him as he experiences God's blessings and provision and miracles has made me tender and overwhelmed again by that First Love of the newborn in God.
I taught him reflections and mirrors... he taught me that we can willfully affect our radiance and make a change for the better, the positive, and the hopeful.
To honor my friend, I had to tell somebody. I am yelling from inside of me in Joy and process and in tenderized awe all over again. I celebrate his transformation with him.
I am renewed and caused to hunger again enjoying his miraculous gifts.
I simply had to tell somebody!
Basking,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Friday, March 9, 2012
Change Taking Place
As I thought of the title to this entry, I was singing the song "Changes" by the 1980's group, YES and their "90125" album.
Change is abounding. Whether it's the shift to Daylight Savings time this weekend, or Spring, new relationships, or clearing the way for new to enter a life? Changes come in as inexorably as the tides upon the seashore. Like a wave, it brings in new treasures and takes out a piece of the beach as it rolls away.
Life is like that. You spend a season or chapter of your life, and as time moves on, so do you.
Today in particular held such wide swings of highs and lows, celebrations and regrets, letting go and holding on. I am left feeling wearily grateful overall. I am sad for the parts I should have done different or better as a person, but I am happy inside for shifts that came after years of prayer and seeking. Change taking places.
I've cried several times today and in the past few weeks. A few times it was relief and joy. A couple of times it was anger and frustration. And sometimes, it was feeling hurt or let down by people I have near my life. I don't want to close back up like a turtle, but, it is tempting.
I wrote for a full 90 minutes this morning shouting to the heavens in joy and excitement.... and I cannot let anything dim the truths from that. The rest are just distractions and not where I am supposed to focus my attention.
If I remain true to my goals, passions, personal belief systems, I will add optimism and joy to my life. I will weed out negativity, unbelief, and disregard, This means it's time to cull my contacts again. Changes.
Goals met and new ones formed for my job, family, health, spiritual pursuits, and interactions with the world around me. I've had a great quarter in my job as a Commercial Truck Driver. I met a goal I set on March 23, 2001 just this past week on February 28th. I have now been into all 48 Continental USA and Canada with my semi truck, The last two states were the Dakotas. Brrrrr in February, big grin.
My personal life of friends, family, loved ones, priorities, God, Country? I am still trying. I have a lot of shortcomings. But I want to improve. I want to let my light shine and let go, let God. Same old refrain, new day, new mercies. Changes.
New friends, old friends. Seasons, reasons. Footprints and fellow travellers. It's been a year of dynamic Changes.
I am scared of the near future. A sign that I should push on. If I were to remain rooted in the past or inside the box? I would not be me. I would be static. This is not a true sign of the inner me.
The way I will end tonight, after this blog, is to pray, meditate, and probably cry again as I get in the bunk. Some highs and lows. Some happy, some mad, some sad, some disappointments. All of it small in the 20 year rule. Changes.
Looking ahead with anticipation,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
CHANGES - 90125 YES
I'm moving through some changes
I'll never be the same
Something you did touched me
There's no one else to blame
The love we had has fallen
The love we used to share
We've given up pretending
As if you didn't care
Change changing places
Root yourself to the ground
Capitalize on this good fortune
One word can bring you round
Changes
I look into the mirror
I see no happiness
All the warmth I gave you
Has turned to emptiness
The love we had has fallen
The love we used to share
You've left me here believing
In love that wasn't there
Change changing places
Root yourself to the ground
Word to the wise - Well you get what's coming
One word can bring you round
Changes
When I look into your eyes and try to find out how
There's no way to save it now
And everything I feel
Changes
Keep looking for
Changes
Changes
For some reason you're questioning why
I always believe it gets better
One difference between you and I
Your heart is inside your head One word from you
One word from me
A clear design on your liberty
Who could believe when love has gone
How we move on like everyone
Only such fools
Only such jealous hearts
Only through love changes come
Change changing places
Root yourself to the ground
Capitalize on this good fortune
One word can bring you round
Changes
One road to loneliness
It's always the same
One road to happiness
It's calling your name
Change changing places - Changes
Root yourself to the ground
Capitalize on this good fortune
One word can bring you round
Changes
Change changing places
Changes
Root yourself to the ground
Word to the wise - Well you get what's coming
One word - One word can bring you round
Changes
Change is abounding. Whether it's the shift to Daylight Savings time this weekend, or Spring, new relationships, or clearing the way for new to enter a life? Changes come in as inexorably as the tides upon the seashore. Like a wave, it brings in new treasures and takes out a piece of the beach as it rolls away.
Life is like that. You spend a season or chapter of your life, and as time moves on, so do you.
Today in particular held such wide swings of highs and lows, celebrations and regrets, letting go and holding on. I am left feeling wearily grateful overall. I am sad for the parts I should have done different or better as a person, but I am happy inside for shifts that came after years of prayer and seeking. Change taking places.
I've cried several times today and in the past few weeks. A few times it was relief and joy. A couple of times it was anger and frustration. And sometimes, it was feeling hurt or let down by people I have near my life. I don't want to close back up like a turtle, but, it is tempting.
I wrote for a full 90 minutes this morning shouting to the heavens in joy and excitement.... and I cannot let anything dim the truths from that. The rest are just distractions and not where I am supposed to focus my attention.
If I remain true to my goals, passions, personal belief systems, I will add optimism and joy to my life. I will weed out negativity, unbelief, and disregard, This means it's time to cull my contacts again. Changes.
Goals met and new ones formed for my job, family, health, spiritual pursuits, and interactions with the world around me. I've had a great quarter in my job as a Commercial Truck Driver. I met a goal I set on March 23, 2001 just this past week on February 28th. I have now been into all 48 Continental USA and Canada with my semi truck, The last two states were the Dakotas. Brrrrr in February, big grin.
My personal life of friends, family, loved ones, priorities, God, Country? I am still trying. I have a lot of shortcomings. But I want to improve. I want to let my light shine and let go, let God. Same old refrain, new day, new mercies. Changes.
New friends, old friends. Seasons, reasons. Footprints and fellow travellers. It's been a year of dynamic Changes.
I am scared of the near future. A sign that I should push on. If I were to remain rooted in the past or inside the box? I would not be me. I would be static. This is not a true sign of the inner me.
The way I will end tonight, after this blog, is to pray, meditate, and probably cry again as I get in the bunk. Some highs and lows. Some happy, some mad, some sad, some disappointments. All of it small in the 20 year rule. Changes.
Looking ahead with anticipation,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
CHANGES - 90125 YES
I'm moving through some changes
I'll never be the same
Something you did touched me
There's no one else to blame
The love we had has fallen
The love we used to share
We've given up pretending
As if you didn't care
Change changing places
Root yourself to the ground
Capitalize on this good fortune
One word can bring you round
Changes
I look into the mirror
I see no happiness
All the warmth I gave you
Has turned to emptiness
The love we had has fallen
The love we used to share
You've left me here believing
In love that wasn't there
Change changing places
Root yourself to the ground
Word to the wise - Well you get what's coming
One word can bring you round
Changes
When I look into your eyes and try to find out how
There's no way to save it now
And everything I feel
Changes
Keep looking for
Changes
Changes
For some reason you're questioning why
I always believe it gets better
One difference between you and I
Your heart is inside your head One word from you
One word from me
A clear design on your liberty
Who could believe when love has gone
How we move on like everyone
Only such fools
Only such jealous hearts
Only through love changes come
Change changing places
Root yourself to the ground
Capitalize on this good fortune
One word can bring you round
Changes
One road to loneliness
It's always the same
One road to happiness
It's calling your name
Change changing places - Changes
Root yourself to the ground
Capitalize on this good fortune
One word can bring you round
Changes
Change changing places
Changes
Root yourself to the ground
Word to the wise - Well you get what's coming
One word - One word can bring you round
Changes
Sunday, February 19, 2012
This Must Be My Writing Space
I had a great laugh out loud just now. I had packed my duffle bag with dress and playtime clothes anticipating the next 2 days off duty from my semi truck. I am backed into a dock in one of the tightest receivers we frequent. I had sent texts to a handful of people to touch base to remind them I have not forgotten them or their faithful patience. I had conditioned and combed through my unruly, truck driver's bed head. And then I plopped into the driver's seat. I refreshed my web browser and had a WAVE of GRATITUDE come over me.
It seems this location is prime Writing Space? Once when I was here on December 29, 2010 a torrent of words fought to get typed in a coherent form and I spewed all of the "IT" that had been holding me bondage to dis-ease, unforgiveness, pain of heart and of body! I wrote over 12 pages on a PDF and when I was wearily trying to find a cute ending? I was so darned relieved to be free of the poison of "IT" that had sat so deep in my soul and gut all of my entire life!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was speechless :)
Quick to recognize that GRATIUDE feeling, I had an urge to write again. A follow-up of GRATITUDE for the recent battles. As quick as I could, I cued up this blog, and the USUAL happened here again. Just as I crack my knuckles and sharpen my pencil to write? The receiver comes out to say I am done and I am free to leave.
WOW!
See, this is a perfect example of things not being as hard or bad as they seem. I dread this receiver for all the logistical hoops it takes just to get to the dock door. It's to the point I will beg for a different load when I see this one pop up. But once I just do it, and set the brake, backed up to the dock door? I always have the most beautiful of clarity and clear space rush through me.
It's like when you are practising yoga and in a sublime Kundalini experience, your Chakras all align suddenly. After the initial pop, and rush of clear fluid and slightly nauseating WHOOSH from utter dismay to peace? Well, the room, the space around you, and the people you share the energy with all uniquely BREATHE in PEACE, HARMONY, and JOY.
Or in a prayer service, when you KNOW each of you have God in you, and you assemble together, that MOMENT when God's Shekinah glory just covers and infuses everyone present as you come into a place of "one mind, one accord" and God is free to move from among the stuff and shadows we humans carry like sacks of burdens. You can smell His aroma, feel the warmth, see His light, and peace and Knowing floods your soul.
THAT is what I get when the inspiration to write settles on me like a mantle at this "writing space" in Pompano Beach.....
Now, I am ready to move on, and did not yet write the GRATITUDE stuff after all. Big grin! I am already feeling the let down of tension and the release of having said "IT" because I took time to BE Gratitude, to FEEL Gratitude, and to ALLOW Gratitude.
This time, I talked to Alisha by text message and to my special friend who is many, many miles and time zones away. And they let me tell of my Grateful Mood,, and they both had sincere FLOODS of clarity, inspiration, and Gratitude also. I am smiling as we built a triad of East coast, Heartland states of Indianna, and of the Rocky Mountain.... three hours on the clock, three heartbeats, ONE MESSAGE! Hopeful GRATITUDE!!!
From my last blog questioning WHY of God, to today, so many GOOD shifts for so many I am intimately involved with. Nanci is rocking the state of Florida's education System. Angel and Aaron spent a precious surprise weekday visit with me. Angel got great news from the doctor regarding her knee injury and a new plan of action. My special friend has had hope and inspiration breathed into his situations. Alisha has gotten moved into her new apartment, is safe, and is establishing a routine and consistent experience of SUCCESSFUL moments in her new life as a single mom and warrior.
When I was down, I surrounded myself with people I trusted to have my back. They had empathy, compassion, and a ready hand or ear to hear. We covered the 24 hour clock by exhorting one another to hang in there, try this, hold on!!!
And the new week is smoothing out to a tolerable rumble.
Now that I am on the swing of emerging from that down funk and period of self-doubt, once again, God provides me with the miraculous by sending my special friends, family and loved ones to parade their joys and triumphs as well.
I am just so GRATEFUL!
For now, I have a 3 star, luxury hotel that I paid less than 40% of the normal rate to enjoy beckoning me. I missed church this morning, but I have the opportunity to enjoy God's creation now, and freshen up in time for service with POCC tonight.
My semi is parked, bags packed, heart and mind renewed and I am inspired again.
Writing and listening to my Inspirationators.
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
II John v. 12
It seems this location is prime Writing Space? Once when I was here on December 29, 2010 a torrent of words fought to get typed in a coherent form and I spewed all of the "IT" that had been holding me bondage to dis-ease, unforgiveness, pain of heart and of body! I wrote over 12 pages on a PDF and when I was wearily trying to find a cute ending? I was so darned relieved to be free of the poison of "IT" that had sat so deep in my soul and gut all of my entire life!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was speechless :)
Quick to recognize that GRATIUDE feeling, I had an urge to write again. A follow-up of GRATITUDE for the recent battles. As quick as I could, I cued up this blog, and the USUAL happened here again. Just as I crack my knuckles and sharpen my pencil to write? The receiver comes out to say I am done and I am free to leave.
WOW!
See, this is a perfect example of things not being as hard or bad as they seem. I dread this receiver for all the logistical hoops it takes just to get to the dock door. It's to the point I will beg for a different load when I see this one pop up. But once I just do it, and set the brake, backed up to the dock door? I always have the most beautiful of clarity and clear space rush through me.
It's like when you are practising yoga and in a sublime Kundalini experience, your Chakras all align suddenly. After the initial pop, and rush of clear fluid and slightly nauseating WHOOSH from utter dismay to peace? Well, the room, the space around you, and the people you share the energy with all uniquely BREATHE in PEACE, HARMONY, and JOY.
Or in a prayer service, when you KNOW each of you have God in you, and you assemble together, that MOMENT when God's Shekinah glory just covers and infuses everyone present as you come into a place of "one mind, one accord" and God is free to move from among the stuff and shadows we humans carry like sacks of burdens. You can smell His aroma, feel the warmth, see His light, and peace and Knowing floods your soul.
THAT is what I get when the inspiration to write settles on me like a mantle at this "writing space" in Pompano Beach.....
Now, I am ready to move on, and did not yet write the GRATITUDE stuff after all. Big grin! I am already feeling the let down of tension and the release of having said "IT" because I took time to BE Gratitude, to FEEL Gratitude, and to ALLOW Gratitude.
This time, I talked to Alisha by text message and to my special friend who is many, many miles and time zones away. And they let me tell of my Grateful Mood,, and they both had sincere FLOODS of clarity, inspiration, and Gratitude also. I am smiling as we built a triad of East coast, Heartland states of Indianna, and of the Rocky Mountain.... three hours on the clock, three heartbeats, ONE MESSAGE! Hopeful GRATITUDE!!!
From my last blog questioning WHY of God, to today, so many GOOD shifts for so many I am intimately involved with. Nanci is rocking the state of Florida's education System. Angel and Aaron spent a precious surprise weekday visit with me. Angel got great news from the doctor regarding her knee injury and a new plan of action. My special friend has had hope and inspiration breathed into his situations. Alisha has gotten moved into her new apartment, is safe, and is establishing a routine and consistent experience of SUCCESSFUL moments in her new life as a single mom and warrior.
When I was down, I surrounded myself with people I trusted to have my back. They had empathy, compassion, and a ready hand or ear to hear. We covered the 24 hour clock by exhorting one another to hang in there, try this, hold on!!!
And the new week is smoothing out to a tolerable rumble.
Now that I am on the swing of emerging from that down funk and period of self-doubt, once again, God provides me with the miraculous by sending my special friends, family and loved ones to parade their joys and triumphs as well.
I am just so GRATEFUL!
For now, I have a 3 star, luxury hotel that I paid less than 40% of the normal rate to enjoy beckoning me. I missed church this morning, but I have the opportunity to enjoy God's creation now, and freshen up in time for service with POCC tonight.
My semi is parked, bags packed, heart and mind renewed and I am inspired again.
Writing and listening to my Inspirationators.
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
II John v. 12
Monday, February 6, 2012
A Gaze Into The Face Of God
Recently I had a bittersweet visit with my daughter and two grandboys in Colorado. Now, the family time, bonding, sharing was essential and beautiful. It was an intervention visit though, and gives me mixed feelings. Somewhere along this path, I have lost my words to write or express my personal reality. This is a non-tangible injustice, and THIS I can focus my angst and frustrations upon with a vengeance. I can be mad at myself and my frailties as a human, and give generously of love, forgiveness and more love to those outside. Right off the bat, I am not able to find much for which to be “grateful” in any way more meaningful than a surface platitude. This is so out of character for me, that this pain alone is stealing my joy and breath at times.
At this moment I question “Why?!” in a most angry, and wounded way. It does not help to know that I join everyone along the way at some point. I try to convince myself that my questions are honest conversations between God and myself, and not representations of doubt or unbelief in my sovereign, just God. Then again, what is my Truth right now?
Anger is such a bitter root. It is so uncharacteristic of me to be angry more than a five minute temper. Then to live in a space of anger and anxiety is sapping me, when truly, I am “needed” more now than ever. At risk of “FAILING” to be of use to God, self, or others, I am in a pain and fire in my heart, soul, and spirit. At odds with myself, I am consumed with just getting by, no longer able to even visualize the bright future or the cloud of rain the size of a man’s hand.
I hurt.
How dumb for me to hurt. How insensitive and arrogant. This is crippling to me when others look to me to be the bringer of light or positive to a dark situation. When does righteous anger and indignation turn to vindictive rant or vigilante justice? It is not up to me to judge a man or situation, merely to champion what is right, good, and pleasing to God. I do not look good to myself toting a pitchfork and lantern of a witch hunt. Instead, I hurt inside for ALL involved.
My tears are bitter and feel like fire. I cry them alone, in my most secret place. To share them would be to hinder, not to help another. Why would I be a stumbling block, instead of a hand to help raise someone to the Light? This goes against my every calling or hope in this life.
There is an older, gentle song by a group named 4HIM titled simply “Why”. Here are a few of the words to this ballad:
They say that into every life Some rain must fall
For the pain is no respector Of the mighty or the small
But sometimes It just seems so Unfair
To see the One who’s had More than His share
Oh it makes you wonder why…
For the pain is no respector Of the mighty or the small
But sometimes It just seems so Unfair
To see the One who’s had More than His share
Oh it makes you wonder why…
And Lord, I wouldn’t second guess Your mighty plan
For I know You have a purpose That’s beyond the scope of man
If You look inside my heart You will find
That I have always been The Trusting kind
Oh but still I wonder
CHORUS
Why
Do the rainy days have to come
When the storm clouds hide the sun
I wanna know why
Why
When the reasons aren’t clear to me
When it all is a mystery
I want to know why
And though down here
I may not understand
I won’t let go
Of the Unseen hand
For It holds the reasons why
The Lord has never been afraid Of honest prayers
And He won’t allow the burden To be more than you can bear
When He knows that you’re trust Is in Him
He doesn’t mind the questionsNow and then
Even if you wonder….
Why.
So, in a secret shame, I admit now to wondering “WHY”. Why did mankind imbibe the Original sin, that cast the seeds onto us all? Why do murderers, rapists, abusers or thieves exist, much less go free to TAKE from another? Why does sickness such as cancer or dementia run rampant? Why death? Why harm to others? Why the innocent, God? Huh? Why?!
I KNOW it is not up to me to question God, or to judge. Overall, my personality is of a lover, not a fighter. Of peace, not of dissention. Of hope, not of despair. Circumstances lately have me weary and asking honest questions of WHY.
In a vulnerable moment, I will admit here that I have physical pain regularly that is unexplained and unchecked by modern medicine. I have been the victim of abuse, and know many others also. I live alone, partly by choice, partly because I do not see any other way. This latest attack of WHY, though, stems from ordeals my two daughters are experiencing RIGHT NOW. Their privacy is tantamount. This blog is not about revealing their circumstances. I am merely Processing my own feeling, beliefs, and pain regarding the WHYs in Life.
Blessed to spend ten days with my daughter and two grandsons, I had a very poignant moment. The older boy, Jeremiah is almost 2 years old. He is precocious and smart. He does things calculated to get attention, be it negative or positive. He is old enough to premeditate to a degree, to be sneaky, to tempt our good sense of humor. Yet, he has been holding pure expression inward. So young. This is sad to me. When he became comfortable, and relaxed to being in a loving, caring, nurturing, SAFE environment, he became a babbling brook. He snuggles, he is generous, he is selfish as only a two year old can be , he is lively and amuzing.
But it was a particular photograph I took of the younger boy, Terran that rocked me to my core. I “verbalized” my inner thoughts briefly, and have been vexxed by them ever since. Terran is almost 7 months old. Very slight of build, the pure skin and breath of the innocent child that merely cries when he is hungry, wet, scared or hurt.
Terran does not (yet) seem to know how to manipulate to get his “way”. He lives to smile, chew, sleep, and reach out to touch you. It was in a moment captured on digital image, that I saw the face of God…. I saw the potential mankind has. And I realized, that this is one of the last moments of his innocence. Soon, he will adapt and surround himself with survival and vie for position in our world of “ME FIRST”. That may perhaps be the last gentle image… before he becomes like every other person.
It’s likely that Life will toughen him up. This realization made me sad inside my core being. Oh how I long for Life and God to generously allow us to retain our innocence, our gentleness, and our simple joy in the simple pleasures of touch, love, sustenance and light. Little Terran looked up at me with such awe, such love, such trust…. And does not know my feet of clay and how in some way, big or small, I will fail him along the way.
Funny how Life’s stressors can prompt reunions, reconnections, even reconciliations. I felt a need to reach out to assemble prayer warriors, strong arm champions, and a wide range of people to complement each other to bring a balance of perspective, talents, resources into my recent “crisis”. Maybe the world did not need more marshmellows in the Justice department like me. Maybe it needs less of the bitter and the fervent retalitory soldiers of self-named Right and Wrong. Prayer and a return to the Basics seemed to be in order. And reminding first myself, then Others to practice Love- Gratitude- Forgiveness even when faced by a night so black it hurts.
In this moment, a few people asked me questions I found to be odd. They asked how I am holding up, how I am taking things, how and I doing? My answer is swift and sure, and I mean it with all of my heart. I have FAITH in GOD to be just, and real, and soveriegn.
But inside, when the babies are fed, clean, snuggled and loved into bed….. and when my girl collapses exhausted in a heap on the bare carpet, with her shoes still on,,,, or when she breaks and pours the tears that are such a proven vital part of the Process….. I am angry, I am hurting, I am asking WHY,Dammit, WHY!!!
This makes me cry to admit it in print. Can you only imagine the angst it causes me as I stand humbled and broken before God? The choking and drowning sensations of not knowing what do I REALLY believe in after all?
I want to have the Right Answers. I want to be of great help and service. I want justice to prevail, in God’s complete understanding of the FINAL, ETERNAL outcomes.
I just want release and respite. I know I am not alone, when the hard times come. People go through mountains and valleys all the time. Like I told my daughter in a conversation about my divorce over a decade ago, “It did not help me to hear “I know how you feel. I’ve been there”. I did not want ANYONE to feel the pain I feel. I am also not alone because friends, family and loved ones rally in all the ways unique to people with finances, suggestions, prayers, advice…. Talking to a second cousin on the phone who is close in age to my own children drove this point home. We are truly all connected. Not one of us is alone. We are all valid and unique. We respond and offer ourselves in myriads of ways, often depending upon the stage of the Process we are in.
What am I blessed or grateful for in this recent “trial”? That my daughter and I reuinited in October 2010 and the groundwork was laid ahead of time for our joining forces to overcome adversity now. I am grateful nothing is as bad as it seems or as it could be. I am blessed to know spiritually that God is at work on very INDIVIDUAL basis and he has a Plan and Purpose for EVERYTHING if we will let Him work and BE GOD. I am grateful for resources of time, money, presence and history to be available to be there by my daughter’s side at a very critical juncture of her life.
Each of us will stand at a crossroads of decision at some point in our life. How we cope, how we respond, how we trust in God is our own individual Journey of Faith, Hope, and Amazing Grace. For now, this evening after I have returned to work to face frustrations there and my sadness to leave my loved ones for another chapter, I am processing. I am not very gentle with myself. And OH GOD! I hurt inside with anger and indignation and I feel so inadequate and alone.
I am mad at God, at certain people, and at my own shortcomings! But I am going to bow down and give these honest feelings and questions of WHY to God. I will have every intention of placing myself fully on the altar and of surrendering me – the need to control. The need to KNOW and the need that is inherent within me to FIX or HELP. Those last few were never my gift to give – they are a God trait. Who knows, I may get peace soon.
God knows. He knows the reason WHY.
I am including a You Tube link to 4 Him and their song “Why”. Enjoy. If you feel led to pray for us reach out to me or to someone God places on your heart, I humbly ask you to obey. Be slow to anger, slow to judge, and quick to offer love, mercy, and a hand to connect someone to God.
((In my own stubborn desire to yell YOP and be heard? I am not going to scroll up to edit or proofread this blog. My thoughts are mine for this space in Time. The grammar can be overlooked, if you know that I have the best at my core being.))
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Stop Settling
This is the first blog entry of 2012. Funny, I did not settle with myself what 2011 brought out. And so far, I have not made time to STOP! Breathe! Set Intentions for 2012. Take right now. I am in a limbo. My body clock is set for Eastern time zone, and there where my loved ones are sleeping, it is already Tuesday, January 10, 2012. But my cell phone, company data, and current surroundings say it is still Monday for another 38 minutes. What a weird juxtaposition.
I find each time I have wanted to set down to write this letter, to have cliches running through my head. I do not feel like I have anything new to say about my life or my future. There is a part of me that yearns to break forth with inspiration. There is a part of me that feels like I am slipping through the cracks, and in danger of fading away, unloved or disregarded. And there is a tired part of me that gets back up AGAIN and yells "YOP!" only to hear the echo in the tunnel.
To Process this anxiety of disappearing, I have decided what the hell? Write the cliches down as they come to me. So what if they are not new? They are Present for a reason. Give them voice, and hear what the Wisdom of those before me have to say!
The next bit may come out odd. It does NOT have any one person's name on it. Other than that disclaimer? Well, one of the benefits of writing in the darkness of my truck, is that I can get "IT" out without being interrupted or cut off. I can hear recent voices that cause me to doubt my worth or value, break into my thoughts all I want, but they are not here, right in this very moment. So if you got it, you got it, you got it? (a phrase I regret to say I have learned lately). Then stop reading.
A) Don't make someone a priority in your life, when you are only an option in theirs.
HAH! I decided to Google this and here is a quote I found using this phrase:
"This is one of my favorite quotes. Take a good look at the people in your life…family, friends, co-workers, significant others, etc. Stop making excuses for poor behavior, don’t accept less than what you deserve, and weed out the ones who only care about their own needs being met. As my friend Patricia says, “A relationship should complement, not complicate.” What a difference it makes when you’re surrounded by only those who bring out the best in you. How sad that I am now all alone…"
Whoever "they" are have been known to say "if you look long enough, you can find at least one person to agree with you. (good or bad)". This is demonstrated here. The whole phrase is terrible that it exists. But poignant in that it fits me right now.
B) Don't settle.
When my girls were at home, it seems money was always tight. Even when it was a two parent household, the challenges were there, just different. Certainly, once I was a single mom of two active, high-achieving high schoolers, I failed to provide hamburger meat for the Hamburger Helper. We shopped at thrift sometimes.
When we did save and come up with money to buy new? I would tell the girls to get what they wanted, for instance, a new outfit, shoes, uniform. I would say, "Don't settle. Go for the one you SEE in your heart."
Lately, in Life, I feel in my gut like I have settled. And it eats at me. I work at a job I love, but that goes nowhere. I am tired, often sick in my body, and no "fix". I am weary in my soul, and I am so far depleted, that a quick dip, no longer refills me. I am left hungry for ALL. I give and I give,,,, and I give of my heart, my time, my resources, my optimism and it just gets taken, taken, taken.... and I am the one left wrung out and hurting. Stop settling.
C) "You push me away a little more every day. Soon, I will be gone, and you will not even have to say goodbye."
I gave in to pressures of voice, of Life, of work, of Indecision and somehow, I have strayed from nurturing those that DO love me, those that DO have concern for me, those that DO stand the test of time, for better or for worse. One instance that comes to mind, is I followed a suggestion that rubbed me wrong from the second I heard it, but I did it anyway. And in the beginning, it seemed to work. As time has gone by? I see that I was the clown, and the only one left holding the fake, plastic flower was me.
What do I mean? It is my personal way of being ME, but I make those I care about my priority. I put "me" aside, to be sure their needs (and wants) are met first, me last. When a person I care about takes time from their day to call, email, text, or reach out, I see it as a GIFT they have chosen to give to ME.
Two things here - 1) that courtesy is not often returned, So I guess the Golden Rule is a pretty ball of fluff? and 2) when I took the suggestion and stopped being available on a whim? Well, guess what? All that happened was ______________.
Silence. I now have LESS THAN the little bit I had when I began this little experiment. Now I have to see if it is too late to make amends (with my daughters) and if they will "work me in" again? At least I had SOMETHING, which is more than the NOTHING I have now.
It was easy for others to say goodbye. I seem to hold on too long. I am the fool here.
D) "What am I holding onto that is no longer serving me?"
WOW!!! OMG!!! I LOVED THIS QUOTE FROM DAVID JI and DAVID SIMON of the CHOPRA CENTER!!!!!
It hit me over and over and OVER again like a punch between the eyes! I very greatly appreciated the check up in meditations and prayers!
Using this phrase, I culled my contact list. If someone was not motivating, loving, inspiring, nurturing or encouraging me? I took them off my contacts list. And if I was not offering the same to them? I also took them out of my personal address books.
It was liberating to surround myself with positive people that only had my GOOD at their heart and purpose! I grew SO MUCH in 2010 and 2011.
Along the way, I am finding I have negative people, people that hurt me, or make me feel "less than" on my list now. And I just want that to improve. I don't want the ugly separation process again. For some reason, it is more personal this time. I find myself holding on after all, waiting for Time and Process and Improvement. Only to realise? I am standing alone.
Know what I wish I had? More prayer WARRIORS. Less judgements. Less conditions "I'll only keep you around if you do X". Less restrictions on the natural high that flows from so deep within my soul like a bubbling stream!!! I want to be free to love, to like, to BE who I am... which is always ,,, when I return to the REAL ME? I am light, I am love, I am hope, I am faith, I am joyfull and I BELIEVE!!!
My desire for 2012 and any future going forth, is new and current people to be the recipients of my natural light and love,,, and to receive from them the same infusion into my banks.
What am I holding onto that is no longer serving me? It is not just a person (s), it is things (as in my storage shed), it is traditions, it is the ill health, and the dis-ease in my spirit.
E) It's a long way up, when you're coming from Nowhere.
Just think, as long as I have breath within me? My optimism, my hope, my natural LIGHT looks UP and I see POSSIBILITIES and POTENTIAL in people, situations, and LIFE.
Just keep going,,, just keep going..... just keep going.
F) Just breathe.
'Nuff said.
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
My intentions and desires for the near future, may not be a list or clear to anyone. I do know, I want to love... and be loved. I want to give.... and to receive. I want to encourage...... and be encouraged. These traits are essential to me and my glow that catches stranger's eye on contact. What do I have that shines so brilliant from within? LOVE. It's not rocket science. It is plain me.
I don't want to just stuff my light and happy self down to just get by or get along. I want to bring my light OUT to play again, and I want to surround myself with those who want to join me, not crush me.
I'm not dumb, less than... I'm not bitter. And I am not sick. I have MUCH to be thankful for and I CHOOSE to CHAMPION what is GOOD, RIGHT, and of WORTH.
I want to be my wild, intrinsically passionate ME... which is happy, positive, upbeat, and an overcomer!
I want to LOVE- all. Foremost, LOVE GOD! LIFE! My friends and family. My church. My job. My opportunities. My blessings. My lessons.
My Intention, then, is to STOP SETTLING, and start LOVING, LIVING, BEING the glorious gifted person God ordained me to be.
Of whom much is given, much is required---- I have an excess... and it is time to let my ROAR out and reach to those around me and to LIVE!
Love. Gratitude. Forgiveness. For me, and for others. End of story. No options. Not multiple choice... just DO IT!
Letting go, letting in, letting out,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
I find each time I have wanted to set down to write this letter, to have cliches running through my head. I do not feel like I have anything new to say about my life or my future. There is a part of me that yearns to break forth with inspiration. There is a part of me that feels like I am slipping through the cracks, and in danger of fading away, unloved or disregarded. And there is a tired part of me that gets back up AGAIN and yells "YOP!" only to hear the echo in the tunnel.
To Process this anxiety of disappearing, I have decided what the hell? Write the cliches down as they come to me. So what if they are not new? They are Present for a reason. Give them voice, and hear what the Wisdom of those before me have to say!
The next bit may come out odd. It does NOT have any one person's name on it. Other than that disclaimer? Well, one of the benefits of writing in the darkness of my truck, is that I can get "IT" out without being interrupted or cut off. I can hear recent voices that cause me to doubt my worth or value, break into my thoughts all I want, but they are not here, right in this very moment. So if you got it, you got it, you got it? (a phrase I regret to say I have learned lately). Then stop reading.
A) Don't make someone a priority in your life, when you are only an option in theirs.
HAH! I decided to Google this and here is a quote I found using this phrase:
"This is one of my favorite quotes. Take a good look at the people in your life…family, friends, co-workers, significant others, etc. Stop making excuses for poor behavior, don’t accept less than what you deserve, and weed out the ones who only care about their own needs being met. As my friend Patricia says, “A relationship should complement, not complicate.” What a difference it makes when you’re surrounded by only those who bring out the best in you. How sad that I am now all alone…"
Whoever "they" are have been known to say "if you look long enough, you can find at least one person to agree with you. (good or bad)". This is demonstrated here. The whole phrase is terrible that it exists. But poignant in that it fits me right now.
B) Don't settle.
When my girls were at home, it seems money was always tight. Even when it was a two parent household, the challenges were there, just different. Certainly, once I was a single mom of two active, high-achieving high schoolers, I failed to provide hamburger meat for the Hamburger Helper. We shopped at thrift sometimes.
When we did save and come up with money to buy new? I would tell the girls to get what they wanted, for instance, a new outfit, shoes, uniform. I would say, "Don't settle. Go for the one you SEE in your heart."
Lately, in Life, I feel in my gut like I have settled. And it eats at me. I work at a job I love, but that goes nowhere. I am tired, often sick in my body, and no "fix". I am weary in my soul, and I am so far depleted, that a quick dip, no longer refills me. I am left hungry for ALL. I give and I give,,,, and I give of my heart, my time, my resources, my optimism and it just gets taken, taken, taken.... and I am the one left wrung out and hurting. Stop settling.
C) "You push me away a little more every day. Soon, I will be gone, and you will not even have to say goodbye."
I gave in to pressures of voice, of Life, of work, of Indecision and somehow, I have strayed from nurturing those that DO love me, those that DO have concern for me, those that DO stand the test of time, for better or for worse. One instance that comes to mind, is I followed a suggestion that rubbed me wrong from the second I heard it, but I did it anyway. And in the beginning, it seemed to work. As time has gone by? I see that I was the clown, and the only one left holding the fake, plastic flower was me.
What do I mean? It is my personal way of being ME, but I make those I care about my priority. I put "me" aside, to be sure their needs (and wants) are met first, me last. When a person I care about takes time from their day to call, email, text, or reach out, I see it as a GIFT they have chosen to give to ME.
Two things here - 1) that courtesy is not often returned, So I guess the Golden Rule is a pretty ball of fluff? and 2) when I took the suggestion and stopped being available on a whim? Well, guess what? All that happened was ______________.
Silence. I now have LESS THAN the little bit I had when I began this little experiment. Now I have to see if it is too late to make amends (with my daughters) and if they will "work me in" again? At least I had SOMETHING, which is more than the NOTHING I have now.
It was easy for others to say goodbye. I seem to hold on too long. I am the fool here.
D) "What am I holding onto that is no longer serving me?"
WOW!!! OMG!!! I LOVED THIS QUOTE FROM DAVID JI and DAVID SIMON of the CHOPRA CENTER!!!!!
It hit me over and over and OVER again like a punch between the eyes! I very greatly appreciated the check up in meditations and prayers!
Using this phrase, I culled my contact list. If someone was not motivating, loving, inspiring, nurturing or encouraging me? I took them off my contacts list. And if I was not offering the same to them? I also took them out of my personal address books.
It was liberating to surround myself with positive people that only had my GOOD at their heart and purpose! I grew SO MUCH in 2010 and 2011.
Along the way, I am finding I have negative people, people that hurt me, or make me feel "less than" on my list now. And I just want that to improve. I don't want the ugly separation process again. For some reason, it is more personal this time. I find myself holding on after all, waiting for Time and Process and Improvement. Only to realise? I am standing alone.
Know what I wish I had? More prayer WARRIORS. Less judgements. Less conditions "I'll only keep you around if you do X". Less restrictions on the natural high that flows from so deep within my soul like a bubbling stream!!! I want to be free to love, to like, to BE who I am... which is always ,,, when I return to the REAL ME? I am light, I am love, I am hope, I am faith, I am joyfull and I BELIEVE!!!
My desire for 2012 and any future going forth, is new and current people to be the recipients of my natural light and love,,, and to receive from them the same infusion into my banks.
What am I holding onto that is no longer serving me? It is not just a person (s), it is things (as in my storage shed), it is traditions, it is the ill health, and the dis-ease in my spirit.
E) It's a long way up, when you're coming from Nowhere.
Just think, as long as I have breath within me? My optimism, my hope, my natural LIGHT looks UP and I see POSSIBILITIES and POTENTIAL in people, situations, and LIFE.
Just keep going,,, just keep going..... just keep going.
F) Just breathe.
'Nuff said.
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
My intentions and desires for the near future, may not be a list or clear to anyone. I do know, I want to love... and be loved. I want to give.... and to receive. I want to encourage...... and be encouraged. These traits are essential to me and my glow that catches stranger's eye on contact. What do I have that shines so brilliant from within? LOVE. It's not rocket science. It is plain me.
I don't want to just stuff my light and happy self down to just get by or get along. I want to bring my light OUT to play again, and I want to surround myself with those who want to join me, not crush me.
I'm not dumb, less than... I'm not bitter. And I am not sick. I have MUCH to be thankful for and I CHOOSE to CHAMPION what is GOOD, RIGHT, and of WORTH.
I want to be my wild, intrinsically passionate ME... which is happy, positive, upbeat, and an overcomer!
I want to LOVE- all. Foremost, LOVE GOD! LIFE! My friends and family. My church. My job. My opportunities. My blessings. My lessons.
My Intention, then, is to STOP SETTLING, and start LOVING, LIVING, BEING the glorious gifted person God ordained me to be.
Of whom much is given, much is required---- I have an excess... and it is time to let my ROAR out and reach to those around me and to LIVE!
Love. Gratitude. Forgiveness. For me, and for others. End of story. No options. Not multiple choice... just DO IT!
Letting go, letting in, letting out,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Friday, December 16, 2011
Simple, No Fear
My Intentions for 2011 were simple – No Fear. To celebrate my victories of 2010, I went skydiving in West Palm Beach, Florida on New Year’s Eve. I then joined my church family at Pentecostals of Cooper City for joint prayer and gratitude for an old year, and optimistic promise for the new one ahead.
The year that is winding down of 2011 has amazed me and far exceeded all of my hopes for it! I passed my fourth anniversary as a commercial vehicle operator, my first full year with Heartland, and cheered as Angel graduated USF with her Bachelors degree, Terran was born in Colorado to my Alisha and Jeremiah turned one year old.
On a very personal level, I practiced “No Fear” by opening my heart. I shared my hurts, triumphs, hopes, prayer requests and blessings with a very special band of warriors. When I got myself out of the way, surrendered to God, and let go of the need to plan and control the details, my job prosperity skyrocketed in a surprising way! I was offered a chance to have a home of my own. And I began to meet new men and women that enrich my life in such a blessed give and take that I found myself opening up, trusting, letting go,,,, and falling….. leaving the past behind. WHAT A GIFT to experience the fullness of Love, Gratitude, Forgiveness and to go forward in Life making no judgments or expectations.
I fervently believe that the best gifts of 2010 were finding my breath, and learning the power of choice and renewed passions. I am not quite so definite on what the gift of 2011 will be. It was a year of letting go. Old contacts, old memories, old baggage, control, and of refusing to let fear of the Unknown hold me captive to a Plan.
Just as wonderful, though, has been letting LOVE flow in and out of me. I used to cringe, or scoff at “Much love and light” or “Happy Birthday” as superficial, rote memory responses. There are many men and women that did not give up, that loved me anyway, that lit candles, prayed, read texts and emails, sat across a table and simply was THERE for me…. And a very special few that stayed available 24/7 for prayer requests, testimonies, and exhortations. I am thinking 2011 had at least TWO specific gifts and the year is not over for a few more weeks.
I wonder, in my old way of mulling things around, what 2012 holds? I wish to remain flexible, patient, and to just deeply breathe, and let it be what it will be. It is a learned behavior on my part. I am not the family provider (never really was),,,, and I really only need to show up with a willing heart, open mind, and humble spirit. Today, in particular I am tired in body, weary of spirit, in need of family and home time. I give my love, resources and support to many… I find myself in need of time at the altar, shut away with God,,, wherever that may be.
The last week has held some painful goodbyes. Another one sits very deeply on my chest in the next few days. My heart hurts, my throat and eyes burn with tears of sadness and of regrets for lost time, and for the future without these special presences as I go forward. I know new life and love will fill the void, but for today, the grief of farewell is staggering. One has only to look around, read a social media posting, or scroll the news to see that “Holidays” is a time of joy, family, giving… and it is also a time of reflection, of freshly empty chairs, and of the disconnect many walk around with.
I feel a bit like the walking wounded again. Clearly, many have situations far more intense than I. My prayer is truly for World Peace, and end to hunger, and that we all get milk and cookies after our afternoon nap.
Let grace and love abound. As we finish one year, and anticipate the new beginnings ahead, may I seek HIM first,,, and let everything else fall into place.
With hope,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Changes! Oh! So Thankful!
Welcome to latter Fall and enter the Holiday excitement! I spent Thanksgiving much the same this year as in the ones recent past. I worked the whole week. This helps other drivers get home and gives me something to do to keep my mind active.
This year, I went into Thanksgiving quite sick. Perhaps I should have rested more. However, I drove from South Florida to Chester, Virginia and then on a load to North Liberty, Iowa.
It was my first visit to my company's corporate headquarters. I went there with a mission. On Black Friday, I got up, got dressed for success, took deep breaths, prayed for not my will, but God's be done, and I went inside to make my petition.
SUCCESS!!! Within hours, I was promoted to Systems Fleet. This is the Over The Road division. It is a large pay raise, better driver utilization, and it opened my running area up to "anything east of the Rockies"!
My first week on the new fleet, I met up with friends and family enroute from here to there. I made a run back into an old friend, Dallas, Texas. I have driven out to Denver, Colorado and encountered the first snow and ice for this Florida girl for 2011.
Today, I drop this load and I go park my semi. Then I have a rental car set up and hotel accomodations. I will be taking THREE days completely off duty, and off responsibility for my semi.
I get to go see my daughter ALisha and my two grandsons!!!!!!!!!!!
WHAT A BLESSING!
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
December 7, 2011
I started the blog when I was parking to commence my trip to Pueblo. I had a GREAT 3 days with my daughter and the boys!!! Terran at 5 months old is a happy fellow, rolling front to back in a rapid fashion to go where he sets his mind to go. Jeremiah is 20 months old and is alot of fun, able to interact, talk and express his preferences.
Alisha and I had the evenings free to hang out around her work schedule. It was just a wonderful blessing all the way around.
I tease that now I have seen the friends and family that I wanted to connect with, and earned a week or so of the higher pay. My first ice storm, and I was ready to go crying back to the Southeast Comfort Zone, BIG GRIN!!!
It has been very rewarding to blow the cobwebs out of my head by hitting the open roads again on long haul. I'm already seeing some of the same places twice, whether I like them or not.
It's a gift of a life out here, over the road. I see places some people only dream of. I get to meet people and hopefully share sunshine and positive energies with them. There is a lot of time to think, pray, meditate and JUST BE.
Making my mind up to enjoy and to glean from where I land, I am very thankful for these opportunities. This is my mindset this holiday, and my intentions going forward. To live in a place of fervent gratitude for all I am blessed with and to share all I can going forward.
Thank you for riding along in my travels with my photographs, emails, posts, and blog. I am grateful for every offer of hospitality, every prayer, every text or call.
An entire season of THANKSGIVING,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
This year, I went into Thanksgiving quite sick. Perhaps I should have rested more. However, I drove from South Florida to Chester, Virginia and then on a load to North Liberty, Iowa.
It was my first visit to my company's corporate headquarters. I went there with a mission. On Black Friday, I got up, got dressed for success, took deep breaths, prayed for not my will, but God's be done, and I went inside to make my petition.
SUCCESS!!! Within hours, I was promoted to Systems Fleet. This is the Over The Road division. It is a large pay raise, better driver utilization, and it opened my running area up to "anything east of the Rockies"!
My first week on the new fleet, I met up with friends and family enroute from here to there. I made a run back into an old friend, Dallas, Texas. I have driven out to Denver, Colorado and encountered the first snow and ice for this Florida girl for 2011.
Today, I drop this load and I go park my semi. Then I have a rental car set up and hotel accomodations. I will be taking THREE days completely off duty, and off responsibility for my semi.
I get to go see my daughter ALisha and my two grandsons!!!!!!!!!!!
WHAT A BLESSING!
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
December 7, 2011
I started the blog when I was parking to commence my trip to Pueblo. I had a GREAT 3 days with my daughter and the boys!!! Terran at 5 months old is a happy fellow, rolling front to back in a rapid fashion to go where he sets his mind to go. Jeremiah is 20 months old and is alot of fun, able to interact, talk and express his preferences.
Alisha and I had the evenings free to hang out around her work schedule. It was just a wonderful blessing all the way around.
I tease that now I have seen the friends and family that I wanted to connect with, and earned a week or so of the higher pay. My first ice storm, and I was ready to go crying back to the Southeast Comfort Zone, BIG GRIN!!!
It has been very rewarding to blow the cobwebs out of my head by hitting the open roads again on long haul. I'm already seeing some of the same places twice, whether I like them or not.
It's a gift of a life out here, over the road. I see places some people only dream of. I get to meet people and hopefully share sunshine and positive energies with them. There is a lot of time to think, pray, meditate and JUST BE.
Making my mind up to enjoy and to glean from where I land, I am very thankful for these opportunities. This is my mindset this holiday, and my intentions going forward. To live in a place of fervent gratitude for all I am blessed with and to share all I can going forward.
Thank you for riding along in my travels with my photographs, emails, posts, and blog. I am grateful for every offer of hospitality, every prayer, every text or call.
An entire season of THANKSGIVING,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Monday, November 21, 2011
Things That Fill My Cup
As the 2011 holiday season approaches, I look at where I have been in years past. Glean the lessons contained in the Journey, and pray that going forward, I walk in grace and new life.
Reminded of a song "Another Try", it says:
All the things I've felt and never shared
All the times that she was lonely with me there
Tears I wouldn't let fall from my eyes
And how I let her go without a fight
The reasons I'm alone, I know by heart
But I don't wanna spend forever in the dark
I swear next time I'll hang on for dear life
If love ever gives me another try
There's no changing things that we regret
The best that we can hope for is one more chance.
This past year has shown me that there is love in many forms, many surprises, many chances. Close or extended family, old friends, new friends, those you let in and choose to spend time with, those that spend time with you..... it has been a welcome lesson to learn to let love BE, in all its ways of showing up. I learned this year that "angels walk the earth as women and men".
As the normal has it, I spend the Thanksgiving holiday on my own. It's different this year, because there's a Knowing that there are many blessings around me, through me, and in me.
I've been alone a long time though, and the reasons why, I do know by heart. I don't want to stay there, instead, it is worth the wait and worth the work to give Life in all its offerings "Another Try".
My gratitude list for this holiday season is triumphed in this old blog entry, included below. It also is in the right here, right now, with the new men and women that have joined along in the Journey since I first wrote in May.
Giving life,and the people in it Another Try.
With courage and hope,
~J~
==================================================================
Sunday, May 22, 2011
WOW!!! I have to say that again, WOW!!
Earlier this week, I received a very gracious invitation to drop by into a friend's Florida vacation and family get- together. I promptly used my word prowess to convince work that I needed the weekend off duty for a "family reunion". Truth :)
As a truck driver, miles to a destination are relative. Some I get paid to perform. Some I pay to execute. My excitement affects my overall mood. This weekend, I enjoyed a bonanza of reunions from the full out surprise, to the carefully established. I stayed with my best friend Friday, Saturday and today, but only got to sit down to share a meal and fellowship today. She was out of town all weekend herself, giving me free rein of her home. That's love.
At least one of each - the friend I saw 2 weeks ago. The friends I saw sometime so far this year. The friends I saw 10 years ago. The friends I saw 25 years ago. The family I had yet to meet. The internet connection I nurtured 5 years and finally met in person today.
Blessed with free lodging and respite, I based out these visits out of Osceola County. My friends and their families were primarily in Polk and Lake Counties. From laughter that hurt my sides and made my face red, to those precious moments that catch your breath and skip your heart's beat, to the body's overflow of a teardrop's course, I travelled 600 miles IN MY CAR in 3 days to too many loving arms to mention.
Over 300 miles in my truck on Friday, and 700 miles coming up in my semi on Monday. Whew, a bit daunting.
I go from solitude in my truck, to two weekends in a row of full out LOVE and embraces. I am a bit soggy and squishy in the love department right now. Like sleep hours, do you ever wish you could bank the hugs up for a starless night?
Ever notice? People want to bless you. One of the first things they think of is to feed you. And trust me, home cooked meals, fellowship, and camaraderie are gifts! But to see as many friends as I did in the past three days? It felt like a Progressive dinner. Everyone wants to feed me, and feels offended if you just ate. LOL.
People are just sweet like that. And it comes in waves, and very grateful for every presentation of Life's generousities. The dry and lonely periods are just as certain as the open arms moments. That is just the give and take of Life. In my Dad's wisdom, "Some days are just better'n others."
Sunday night after the Grand Finale seafood dinner with my best friend and her 12 year old daughter, Morgan, I decided I would get more bang for my hours to drive home to Sunrise, FL and sleep in my truck tonight for a few hours before taking off to Birmingham, than if I tossed and fretted a few hours in the wonderful real bed at my BF house. This way, it is cooler driving (no car a/c), if I have car troubles, I have time to resolve them and not be late to work, and I think I can let my mental guard down at the end to REST better, knowing all I have to do is show up to work.
Sitting out by ponds, on patios and porches, by myself and with groups of people, extremely at ease and in my element, all five senses were innundated with the sensations of what one could only call "home". The crickets, owls, scented breezes, buzzing bugs, ebb and flow of conversations and of God- moments, cloud animals drifting, and Central Florida's omnipresent humidity just made the welcome of blanketing memories fill the tanks for the times ahead. Reminded of the oil lamps in the temples. Full, from the inside out, keep the lamps trimmed and burning.
Since many of the get togethers were of a "reunion" or meet and greet in nature, the same questions were asked over and over and over again. I could get tired of it. But, instead, I know that being a female truck driver holds a mystique, and it is my gift to the world to be able to put someone in the driver's seat to share my adventures and explorations. God gave me wings and wheels, I can pass it along. It is my joy to do so and I never weary of the questions and discoveries.
Last night though, surrounded in roomful of loving people, in a quiet moment where I was present, but it was not my turn to speak, I felt a peaceful knowing go through my marrow. No one asked me this one question all weekend, but I came away with a self-knowledge.
I am cool with me.
I am comfortable in my own skin.
I am WHOLE.
The recent years when I was unhappy or pressed down? That was the foreign land to me. My personal normal is to be ON FIRE for life and for God. To have been given multiple second chances? To have been demonstrated mercy and grace from God and his ambassadors here on the earthly realm? These love offerings fueled my resident fires.
At my lowest points in the past few years, I may have been nearly extiguished. A smoking flax He will not put out, nor will he break the tender, bruised reed. (paraphrased) But inside me smoldered my passions, my calling, the reason for it all!
To have been reborn and stirred anew is invigorating!
The days may be hot, but I am one cool lion. And I feel a serious R-O-A-R coming on. Lookout!
One provoked lamb,
Jan M. Olsen
~J
I tried to sum my heart's view point up on Facebook, but only those who were with me, get the full impact :
I love how we are all connected. Sometimes, there is a heart bond. It's alot like the warmth that family brings into your spirit. An acceptance and a Knowing. A place of safety, love, and stability. This can be from blood relations or those wonderful souls that graft you in. Being back in my hometown area of Polk County has been a flood of love and joy. My cup runneth over. So blessed.
Reminded of a song "Another Try", it says:
All the things I've felt and never shared
All the times that she was lonely with me there
Tears I wouldn't let fall from my eyes
And how I let her go without a fight
The reasons I'm alone, I know by heart
But I don't wanna spend forever in the dark
I swear next time I'll hang on for dear life
If love ever gives me another try
There's no changing things that we regret
The best that we can hope for is one more chance.
This past year has shown me that there is love in many forms, many surprises, many chances. Close or extended family, old friends, new friends, those you let in and choose to spend time with, those that spend time with you..... it has been a welcome lesson to learn to let love BE, in all its ways of showing up. I learned this year that "angels walk the earth as women and men".
As the normal has it, I spend the Thanksgiving holiday on my own. It's different this year, because there's a Knowing that there are many blessings around me, through me, and in me.
I've been alone a long time though, and the reasons why, I do know by heart. I don't want to stay there, instead, it is worth the wait and worth the work to give Life in all its offerings "Another Try".
My gratitude list for this holiday season is triumphed in this old blog entry, included below. It also is in the right here, right now, with the new men and women that have joined along in the Journey since I first wrote in May.
Giving life,and the people in it Another Try.
With courage and hope,
~J~
==================================================================
Sunday, May 22, 2011
WOW!!! I have to say that again, WOW!!
Earlier this week, I received a very gracious invitation to drop by into a friend's Florida vacation and family get- together. I promptly used my word prowess to convince work that I needed the weekend off duty for a "family reunion". Truth :)
As a truck driver, miles to a destination are relative. Some I get paid to perform. Some I pay to execute. My excitement affects my overall mood. This weekend, I enjoyed a bonanza of reunions from the full out surprise, to the carefully established. I stayed with my best friend Friday, Saturday and today, but only got to sit down to share a meal and fellowship today. She was out of town all weekend herself, giving me free rein of her home. That's love.
At least one of each - the friend I saw 2 weeks ago. The friends I saw sometime so far this year. The friends I saw 10 years ago. The friends I saw 25 years ago. The family I had yet to meet. The internet connection I nurtured 5 years and finally met in person today.
Blessed with free lodging and respite, I based out these visits out of Osceola County. My friends and their families were primarily in Polk and Lake Counties. From laughter that hurt my sides and made my face red, to those precious moments that catch your breath and skip your heart's beat, to the body's overflow of a teardrop's course, I travelled 600 miles IN MY CAR in 3 days to too many loving arms to mention.
Over 300 miles in my truck on Friday, and 700 miles coming up in my semi on Monday. Whew, a bit daunting.
I go from solitude in my truck, to two weekends in a row of full out LOVE and embraces. I am a bit soggy and squishy in the love department right now. Like sleep hours, do you ever wish you could bank the hugs up for a starless night?
Ever notice? People want to bless you. One of the first things they think of is to feed you. And trust me, home cooked meals, fellowship, and camaraderie are gifts! But to see as many friends as I did in the past three days? It felt like a Progressive dinner. Everyone wants to feed me, and feels offended if you just ate. LOL.
People are just sweet like that. And it comes in waves, and very grateful for every presentation of Life's generousities. The dry and lonely periods are just as certain as the open arms moments. That is just the give and take of Life. In my Dad's wisdom, "Some days are just better'n others."
Sunday night after the Grand Finale seafood dinner with my best friend and her 12 year old daughter, Morgan, I decided I would get more bang for my hours to drive home to Sunrise, FL and sleep in my truck tonight for a few hours before taking off to Birmingham, than if I tossed and fretted a few hours in the wonderful real bed at my BF house. This way, it is cooler driving (no car a/c), if I have car troubles, I have time to resolve them and not be late to work, and I think I can let my mental guard down at the end to REST better, knowing all I have to do is show up to work.
Sitting out by ponds, on patios and porches, by myself and with groups of people, extremely at ease and in my element, all five senses were innundated with the sensations of what one could only call "home". The crickets, owls, scented breezes, buzzing bugs, ebb and flow of conversations and of God- moments, cloud animals drifting, and Central Florida's omnipresent humidity just made the welcome of blanketing memories fill the tanks for the times ahead. Reminded of the oil lamps in the temples. Full, from the inside out, keep the lamps trimmed and burning.
Since many of the get togethers were of a "reunion" or meet and greet in nature, the same questions were asked over and over and over again. I could get tired of it. But, instead, I know that being a female truck driver holds a mystique, and it is my gift to the world to be able to put someone in the driver's seat to share my adventures and explorations. God gave me wings and wheels, I can pass it along. It is my joy to do so and I never weary of the questions and discoveries.
Last night though, surrounded in roomful of loving people, in a quiet moment where I was present, but it was not my turn to speak, I felt a peaceful knowing go through my marrow. No one asked me this one question all weekend, but I came away with a self-knowledge.
I am cool with me.
I am comfortable in my own skin.
I am WHOLE.
The recent years when I was unhappy or pressed down? That was the foreign land to me. My personal normal is to be ON FIRE for life and for God. To have been given multiple second chances? To have been demonstrated mercy and grace from God and his ambassadors here on the earthly realm? These love offerings fueled my resident fires.
At my lowest points in the past few years, I may have been nearly extiguished. A smoking flax He will not put out, nor will he break the tender, bruised reed. (paraphrased) But inside me smoldered my passions, my calling, the reason for it all!
To have been reborn and stirred anew is invigorating!
The days may be hot, but I am one cool lion. And I feel a serious R-O-A-R coming on. Lookout!
One provoked lamb,
Jan M. Olsen
~J
I tried to sum my heart's view point up on Facebook, but only those who were with me, get the full impact :
I love how we are all connected. Sometimes, there is a heart bond. It's alot like the warmth that family brings into your spirit. An acceptance and a Knowing. A place of safety, love, and stability. This can be from blood relations or those wonderful souls that graft you in. Being back in my hometown area of Polk County has been a flood of love and joy. My cup runneth over. So blessed.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Rich and Round and True
I find I do not feel quite like myself sometimes. It may be as simple as forgetting to breathe in pure pleasure or need. Maybe I do not consecrate time and space to meditate, pray, to dream? I can not tell you the last time I gave in to the urge to dance myself weak.
Today found me at just such an impasse. On the outside looking in? I've had contact with both of my daughters, my brother, my church, my special friends and people deeply important to me. My work is steady in the uncertain way trucking has about it.
I know I am a deep thinker. I have made great strides this year in being less of an obessive planner and in just letting Life and God take me where I need to be. It oftens surprises me at the gifts, blessings and WOW moments that come my way when I get "me" out of the way and submit my will to God.
Today is the third in a row where I have to lay down to sleep by 5pm if I hope to rest on the 24 hour clock. Also, third day in a row, I will have to commence driving at 2am if I am to arrive on time with my load. Tonight, I parked at a nondescript truck stop, a wide spot in the road, unpaved, unkempt little parking place in Laurens, SC on the I-385 connector from I-85 to I-26.
Out of sorts, grumpy, feeling like a good cry would yield me more benefit than a belly shaking laugh, I set out to stroll with God in the cool of this Autumn evening. Before I began my walk, I listened to Roger Whitaker sing, "Both Sides Now"....
I've looked at love from both sides now,
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall.
I really don't know love at all.
Behind the truck stop led a path past deserted warehouses. It drifted to a gate, and a path beyond it, overgrown. It had animal scat, but no sure footprints or tire marks. You know me, it was calling my name. Dusk, cool, South? Hoping to see forest animals, hear the birds, be gifted with a firefly or two....
The Autumn colors are hanging in there. The woods grew quiet as I intruded, but as I came to a resting place a mile in, I stopped. I breathed in deeply, slowly, deliberately... and I noticed where I held tension. I identified the body parts that hurt and felt constricted. I then did a variation of meditations by visualizing cool, healing white light, filling the spaces of my hurts, like a balloon.
Then I gently, slowly exhaled. It felt so good, I did it again. Eyes still closed, this time, I took my balled up fists out of my pocket and let my hands relax at my side.
I breathed in LOVE, I breathed out I LOVE.
I breathed in GRATITUDE. I breathed out I AM GRATEFUL.
I breathed in FORGIVENESS. I breathed out I FORGIVE.
I opened my eyes slowly, and I saw crisp clarity. I discerned a single leaf, shaking in the breeze way up high. I heard that the birds had begun to sing again, and could distinguish their parts in the choir. I saw the shades of the reds, yellows, greens of the Fall foliage, and noticed the little wildflowers in the undergrowth.
The moon was rising 3/4 full in the East above the South Carolina pines, and the sun was in its dying throes somewhere miles behind me, casting brilliant swaths of color from God's pallet to the East in a final farewell to Tuesday, November 8, 2011. Yes, I really do have to use words like this to describe what I see, feel, hear, experience... this too is just a part of who I am as a communicator.
Do I have the answers to my many questions? Do I have Life (or Love) figured out? Do I know where I am going tomorrow, a week, a year, and decade from now? NO.
I am reminded I am not living out my Passionate Purpose while I am isolated over the road as a truck driver. My heart and passion is to teach, to encourage, to guide.
It was after dark when I stepped out of the bush and onto the bumpy hardball again. It was then that I thought, "I should have danced back there". Ahhhhh,,, my passionate outlet. It has been TOO LONG since I have dressed comfortably and laced on my tennis shoes and danced in the dark until I can no longer stand to my feet. I have not sang out loud to the angels, God, and sky until I am hoarse and spent.
I am relaxed now more than when I went for the walk to begin with. Now I have a list of things to do in the near future. To write, to learn, to grow, to explore. To be me,, and not conform to what others wish I were for them.
Here is a link to the YouTube video and the lyrics to the song. As he sings it so rich and full? It stirs my heart to say, "There is MORE... don't ever give up. This is not the end of hope, of love, of life."
Time to lay down and let the worries take care of themselves. If God grants another day? Face it with joy, happiness and excitement for the living. Dance and sing a whole lot more. Laugh, write, give ,,, Love, Gratitude, and Forgiveness.
And breathe.... breathe.... breathe,,, open my eyes and soak God in. It is rich and round and true...
Looking at Life from "Both Sides Now",
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
http://youtu.be/Vp8kKAGrhV0
Today found me at just such an impasse. On the outside looking in? I've had contact with both of my daughters, my brother, my church, my special friends and people deeply important to me. My work is steady in the uncertain way trucking has about it.
I know I am a deep thinker. I have made great strides this year in being less of an obessive planner and in just letting Life and God take me where I need to be. It oftens surprises me at the gifts, blessings and WOW moments that come my way when I get "me" out of the way and submit my will to God.
Today is the third in a row where I have to lay down to sleep by 5pm if I hope to rest on the 24 hour clock. Also, third day in a row, I will have to commence driving at 2am if I am to arrive on time with my load. Tonight, I parked at a nondescript truck stop, a wide spot in the road, unpaved, unkempt little parking place in Laurens, SC on the I-385 connector from I-85 to I-26.
Out of sorts, grumpy, feeling like a good cry would yield me more benefit than a belly shaking laugh, I set out to stroll with God in the cool of this Autumn evening. Before I began my walk, I listened to Roger Whitaker sing, "Both Sides Now"....
I've looked at love from both sides now,
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall.
I really don't know love at all.
Behind the truck stop led a path past deserted warehouses. It drifted to a gate, and a path beyond it, overgrown. It had animal scat, but no sure footprints or tire marks. You know me, it was calling my name. Dusk, cool, South? Hoping to see forest animals, hear the birds, be gifted with a firefly or two....
The Autumn colors are hanging in there. The woods grew quiet as I intruded, but as I came to a resting place a mile in, I stopped. I breathed in deeply, slowly, deliberately... and I noticed where I held tension. I identified the body parts that hurt and felt constricted. I then did a variation of meditations by visualizing cool, healing white light, filling the spaces of my hurts, like a balloon.
Then I gently, slowly exhaled. It felt so good, I did it again. Eyes still closed, this time, I took my balled up fists out of my pocket and let my hands relax at my side.
I breathed in LOVE, I breathed out I LOVE.
I breathed in GRATITUDE. I breathed out I AM GRATEFUL.
I breathed in FORGIVENESS. I breathed out I FORGIVE.
I opened my eyes slowly, and I saw crisp clarity. I discerned a single leaf, shaking in the breeze way up high. I heard that the birds had begun to sing again, and could distinguish their parts in the choir. I saw the shades of the reds, yellows, greens of the Fall foliage, and noticed the little wildflowers in the undergrowth.
The moon was rising 3/4 full in the East above the South Carolina pines, and the sun was in its dying throes somewhere miles behind me, casting brilliant swaths of color from God's pallet to the East in a final farewell to Tuesday, November 8, 2011. Yes, I really do have to use words like this to describe what I see, feel, hear, experience... this too is just a part of who I am as a communicator.
Do I have the answers to my many questions? Do I have Life (or Love) figured out? Do I know where I am going tomorrow, a week, a year, and decade from now? NO.
I am reminded I am not living out my Passionate Purpose while I am isolated over the road as a truck driver. My heart and passion is to teach, to encourage, to guide.
It was after dark when I stepped out of the bush and onto the bumpy hardball again. It was then that I thought, "I should have danced back there". Ahhhhh,,, my passionate outlet. It has been TOO LONG since I have dressed comfortably and laced on my tennis shoes and danced in the dark until I can no longer stand to my feet. I have not sang out loud to the angels, God, and sky until I am hoarse and spent.
I am relaxed now more than when I went for the walk to begin with. Now I have a list of things to do in the near future. To write, to learn, to grow, to explore. To be me,, and not conform to what others wish I were for them.
Here is a link to the YouTube video and the lyrics to the song. As he sings it so rich and full? It stirs my heart to say, "There is MORE... don't ever give up. This is not the end of hope, of love, of life."
Time to lay down and let the worries take care of themselves. If God grants another day? Face it with joy, happiness and excitement for the living. Dance and sing a whole lot more. Laugh, write, give ,,, Love, Gratitude, and Forgiveness.
And breathe.... breathe.... breathe,,, open my eyes and soak God in. It is rich and round and true...
Looking at Life from "Both Sides Now",
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
http://youtu.be/Vp8kKAGrhV0
Thursday, October 27, 2011
First Love, A Refreshing Renewal
Many can remember their first crush, the first look upon "The One", or the first time they experienced the rush that comes with following your passion and doing whatever it is that moves you so deeply. In church, we talk about a person's conversion experience and the giddy, clean afterglow as "First Love".
Sometimes, the days, years, LIFE go by and we look back to reminisce, "Whatever happened to my First Love for this.....?" In the Bible, *in Revelation, it talks about the seven churches. The one that has always struck me is Ephesus. They have all the right programs, ministry, songs, outreach, services.... but God has ought with them because they have grown lukewarm. They have lost the luster of First Love. (see footnote)
In my own life, I see many times this concept comes to play. My first love of reading, writing, learning. The first time I held a virgin baseball in my hand and fit my fingers around the stitches. The first time I stood on a stage or pulled up to a radio mike and passionately read my own writings for others. My first glimpse of Brian in 7th grade. The first time I put my trombone together, sprayed the slide, and buzzed a note. My first day teaching in front of a classroom of kindergarteners eager to learn and play.
Funny, of all the people in and out of my life, only a handful stand out in the "First Love Wall of Fame". People that you know in that very instant that LIFE has just tilted on its axis and is spinning at hypersonic speeds. God has given you a gift, a chance, and the new person Journeys with you for minutes, or days, or years. When the time has come to go seperate ways, you have a heart full of memories and shared moments.
In the transportation field, my first time kick starting a motorcycle, rolling the throttle, or pushing the clutch and turning the key to a car, or as a commercial truck driver, the initial releasing of the brakes to begin to roll 18 wheels in harmonious motion stand out appropriately as milestones. So does my first mountain descent, ice storm, view of the four changing seasons, and that new smell of a vehicle with 2 miles on the odometer.
Just this past weekend, though, I had the gift of taking a friend to church with me for his first visit to my local congregation. His reaction reminded me of my driving students when I would take them to services across the USA. One student, Vickie, made it inside the doors of the Granite Falls, Illinois sanctuary only to lock her knees and freeze in the very back of the room. I returned to guide her to a seat. Later, over dinner she told me she had been hit with a "wall of such love" and that moment she froze, she was telling herself over and over again, "breathe, Vickie! Don't pass out! Breathe! C'mon, BREATHE!" During the weeks she rode with me in my semi, it became a common sight to see the glow of her flashlight, under the covers on the top bunk as she pored over the Bible I gave her.
It always made me have a catch in my heartbeat to wonder when did I lose my own first fervor? How long had it been since I was THAT hungry and thirsty to spend my every moment with the God I profess to love more than anything? Every time I took a new person, this lesson pressed in on me and stirred my passions anew. But then.... time passed. Life took a course change. Stuff happens. I have a habit of tucking and rolling with the flow that gets me through the hard times in Life. When I am honest with myself, tucking and rolling becomes such a normal response? I find myself complacent, immune, and just getting by day by day.
I choose to be a dynamic person! I choose LIFE abundantly! I choose passion and fire in my every day interactions and efforts!
I give a thank you to my friend from this weekend. What a gift to later be able to talk about shared experiences and to see the same room, same sounds, same people through very different perspectives. The newcomers first blush of excitement, awe, and to see them a tad bit overwhelmed as they process all the sensory offerings of a vibrant, loving Pentecostal experience. When I am tenderized again, I look out to see how it must appear to someone new.
I also remember a similar moment of such awe and wonder. In a funny way, the comparison makes me laugh a bit extra. I grew up going with my Mom and brother to Lakeland, FL to watch Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey Circus arrive on the train at the Lakeland Civic Center. Then we would go get lunch, and take in the first show under the Big Top, watching Gunther Gaebel Williams and the the wild cats!!! For me, it was a gimme, my own children would have these opportunities as well.
Angel was 7 years old, Alisha was 4 years old. We bought our tickets, went inside, the kids skipping in anticipation at the drama a circus presence brings.
I will never, EVER forget,,, NEVER FORGET..... looking to my right to the seat next to me and seeing the "W-O-W", open-jawed WONDER and glisten in my four year old daughter's eyes. She was not moving. She was not speaking words. Her gaze was open and directed to the three rings of color, sounds, glitz and glamor. It has been over 18 years since that moment, and even as I type the story here, tears well up in my eyes and the love, and onslaught of powerful AWE swells in my chest and I remember that moment of Ahhhhhh.... with my girls.
I do not compare a visit to church with a trip to the circus, lol. But my friend's facial expression, the stillness in his frame, and his WOW this past weekend as he stood next to me as a visitor to a church that I attend 104 + times a year, every year..... Again, as I type to tell my views of that moment, tears clump in my heart, throat, and eyes.
While I love sharing these moments of WONDER and newness with friends and family?
I ask myself, why do I not have this same AWE each and every time, especially in church? Especially in God's presence, as I seek Him in prayer and meditation? Where is my own FIRST LOVE and why have I waxxed complacent or find myself taking God for granted? Why don't I have more questions, more answers, more desire today than ever before???
What a wonderful gift to see "First Love" again! What a challenge to me to dust off the hamper of Life stuff, and to return to that perpetual place of "can't get enough of God" and all the fullness thereof. For myself, I want to return to innocent trust in God and unadulterated adoration. I want to see the world, the people, the situations, the prayer opportunities through new, first timers eyes.
I want to be in AWE with God and Life again.
Refreshed,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
* referenced above:
King James Version (KJV)
Revelation 2
1Unto the angel of the church of Ephesus write; These things saith he that holdeth the seven stars in his right hand, who walketh in the midst of the seven golden candlesticks;
2I know thy works, and thy labour, and thy patience, and how thou canst not bear them which are evil: and thou hast tried them which say they are apostles, and are not, and hast found them liars:
3And hast borne, and hast patience, and for my name's sake hast laboured, and hast not fainted.
4Nevertheless I have somewhat against thee, because thou hast left thy first love.
Sometimes, the days, years, LIFE go by and we look back to reminisce, "Whatever happened to my First Love for this.....?" In the Bible, *in Revelation, it talks about the seven churches. The one that has always struck me is Ephesus. They have all the right programs, ministry, songs, outreach, services.... but God has ought with them because they have grown lukewarm. They have lost the luster of First Love. (see footnote)
In my own life, I see many times this concept comes to play. My first love of reading, writing, learning. The first time I held a virgin baseball in my hand and fit my fingers around the stitches. The first time I stood on a stage or pulled up to a radio mike and passionately read my own writings for others. My first glimpse of Brian in 7th grade. The first time I put my trombone together, sprayed the slide, and buzzed a note. My first day teaching in front of a classroom of kindergarteners eager to learn and play.
Funny, of all the people in and out of my life, only a handful stand out in the "First Love Wall of Fame". People that you know in that very instant that LIFE has just tilted on its axis and is spinning at hypersonic speeds. God has given you a gift, a chance, and the new person Journeys with you for minutes, or days, or years. When the time has come to go seperate ways, you have a heart full of memories and shared moments.
In the transportation field, my first time kick starting a motorcycle, rolling the throttle, or pushing the clutch and turning the key to a car, or as a commercial truck driver, the initial releasing of the brakes to begin to roll 18 wheels in harmonious motion stand out appropriately as milestones. So does my first mountain descent, ice storm, view of the four changing seasons, and that new smell of a vehicle with 2 miles on the odometer.
Just this past weekend, though, I had the gift of taking a friend to church with me for his first visit to my local congregation. His reaction reminded me of my driving students when I would take them to services across the USA. One student, Vickie, made it inside the doors of the Granite Falls, Illinois sanctuary only to lock her knees and freeze in the very back of the room. I returned to guide her to a seat. Later, over dinner she told me she had been hit with a "wall of such love" and that moment she froze, she was telling herself over and over again, "breathe, Vickie! Don't pass out! Breathe! C'mon, BREATHE!" During the weeks she rode with me in my semi, it became a common sight to see the glow of her flashlight, under the covers on the top bunk as she pored over the Bible I gave her.
It always made me have a catch in my heartbeat to wonder when did I lose my own first fervor? How long had it been since I was THAT hungry and thirsty to spend my every moment with the God I profess to love more than anything? Every time I took a new person, this lesson pressed in on me and stirred my passions anew. But then.... time passed. Life took a course change. Stuff happens. I have a habit of tucking and rolling with the flow that gets me through the hard times in Life. When I am honest with myself, tucking and rolling becomes such a normal response? I find myself complacent, immune, and just getting by day by day.
I choose to be a dynamic person! I choose LIFE abundantly! I choose passion and fire in my every day interactions and efforts!
I give a thank you to my friend from this weekend. What a gift to later be able to talk about shared experiences and to see the same room, same sounds, same people through very different perspectives. The newcomers first blush of excitement, awe, and to see them a tad bit overwhelmed as they process all the sensory offerings of a vibrant, loving Pentecostal experience. When I am tenderized again, I look out to see how it must appear to someone new.
I also remember a similar moment of such awe and wonder. In a funny way, the comparison makes me laugh a bit extra. I grew up going with my Mom and brother to Lakeland, FL to watch Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey Circus arrive on the train at the Lakeland Civic Center. Then we would go get lunch, and take in the first show under the Big Top, watching Gunther Gaebel Williams and the the wild cats!!! For me, it was a gimme, my own children would have these opportunities as well.
Angel was 7 years old, Alisha was 4 years old. We bought our tickets, went inside, the kids skipping in anticipation at the drama a circus presence brings.
I will never, EVER forget,,, NEVER FORGET..... looking to my right to the seat next to me and seeing the "W-O-W", open-jawed WONDER and glisten in my four year old daughter's eyes. She was not moving. She was not speaking words. Her gaze was open and directed to the three rings of color, sounds, glitz and glamor. It has been over 18 years since that moment, and even as I type the story here, tears well up in my eyes and the love, and onslaught of powerful AWE swells in my chest and I remember that moment of Ahhhhhh.... with my girls.
I do not compare a visit to church with a trip to the circus, lol. But my friend's facial expression, the stillness in his frame, and his WOW this past weekend as he stood next to me as a visitor to a church that I attend 104 + times a year, every year..... Again, as I type to tell my views of that moment, tears clump in my heart, throat, and eyes.
While I love sharing these moments of WONDER and newness with friends and family?
I ask myself, why do I not have this same AWE each and every time, especially in church? Especially in God's presence, as I seek Him in prayer and meditation? Where is my own FIRST LOVE and why have I waxxed complacent or find myself taking God for granted? Why don't I have more questions, more answers, more desire today than ever before???
What a wonderful gift to see "First Love" again! What a challenge to me to dust off the hamper of Life stuff, and to return to that perpetual place of "can't get enough of God" and all the fullness thereof. For myself, I want to return to innocent trust in God and unadulterated adoration. I want to see the world, the people, the situations, the prayer opportunities through new, first timers eyes.
I want to be in AWE with God and Life again.
Refreshed,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
* referenced above:
King James Version (KJV)
Revelation 2
1Unto the angel of the church of Ephesus write; These things saith he that holdeth the seven stars in his right hand, who walketh in the midst of the seven golden candlesticks;
2I know thy works, and thy labour, and thy patience, and how thou canst not bear them which are evil: and thou hast tried them which say they are apostles, and are not, and hast found them liars:
3And hast borne, and hast patience, and for my name's sake hast laboured, and hast not fainted.
4Nevertheless I have somewhat against thee, because thou hast left thy first love.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)