Simple, No Fear

My Intentions for 2011 were simple – No Fear.  To celebrate my victories of 2010, I went skydiving in West Palm Beach, Florida on New Year’s Eve.  I then joined my church family at Pentecostals of Cooper City for joint prayer and gratitude for an old year, and optimistic promise for the new one ahead.

The year that is winding down of 2011 has amazed me and far exceeded all of my hopes for it! I passed my fourth anniversary as a commercial vehicle operator, my first full year with Heartland, and cheered as Angel graduated USF with her Bachelors degree, Terran was born in Colorado to my Alisha and Jeremiah turned one year old. 

On a very personal level, I practiced “No Fear” by opening my heart.  I shared my hurts, triumphs, hopes, prayer requests and blessings with a very special band of warriors.  When I got myself out of the way, surrendered to God, and let go of the need to plan and control the details,  my job prosperity skyrocketed in a surprising way!  I was offered a chance to have a home of my own. And I began to meet new men and women that enrich my life in such a blessed give and take that I found myself opening up, trusting, letting go,,,, and falling…..  leaving the past behind. WHAT A GIFT to experience the fullness of Love, Gratitude, Forgiveness and to go forward in Life making no judgments or expectations.

I fervently believe that the best gifts of 2010 were finding my breath, and learning the power of choice and renewed passions.  I am not quite so definite on what the gift of 2011 will be.  It was a year of letting go.  Old contacts, old memories, old baggage, control, and of refusing to let fear of the Unknown hold me captive to a Plan.

Just as wonderful, though, has been letting LOVE flow in and out of me.  I used to cringe, or scoff at “Much love and light” or “Happy Birthday” as superficial, rote memory responses.  There are many men and women that did not give up, that loved me anyway, that lit candles, prayed, read texts and emails, sat across a table and simply was THERE for me…. And a very special few that stayed available 24/7 for prayer requests, testimonies, and exhortations.  I am thinking 2011 had at least TWO specific gifts and the year is not over for a few more weeks.

I wonder, in my old way of mulling things around, what 2012 holds?  I wish to remain flexible, patient, and to just deeply breathe, and let it be what it will be.  It is a learned behavior on my part.  I am not the family provider (never really was),,,, and I really only need to show up with a willing heart, open mind, and humble spirit. Today, in particular I am tired in body, weary of spirit, in need of family and home time.  I give my love, resources and support to many… I find myself in need of time at the altar, shut away with God,,, wherever that may be.

The last week has held some painful goodbyes.  Another one sits very deeply on my chest in the next few days.  My heart hurts, my throat and eyes burn with tears of sadness and of regrets for lost time, and for the future without these special presences as I go forward.  I know new life and love will fill the void, but for today, the grief of farewell is staggering.  One has only to look around, read a social media posting, or scroll the news to see that “Holidays”  is a time of joy, family, giving… and it is also a time of reflection, of freshly empty chairs, and of the disconnect many walk around with. 

I feel a bit like the walking wounded again. Clearly, many have situations far more intense than I.  My prayer is truly for World Peace, and end to hunger, and that we all get milk and cookies after our afternoon nap.

Let grace and love abound. As we finish one year, and anticipate the new beginnings ahead, may I seek HIM first,,, and let everything else fall into place.

With hope,

Jan M. Olsen

~J~

Changes! Oh! So Thankful!

Welcome to latter Fall and enter the Holiday excitement!  I spent Thanksgiving much the same this year as in the ones recent past. I worked the whole week. This helps other drivers get home and gives me something to do to keep my mind active.


This year, I went into Thanksgiving quite sick.  Perhaps I should have rested more. However, I drove from South Florida to Chester, Virginia  and then on a load to North Liberty, Iowa.

It was my first visit to my company's corporate headquarters.  I went there with a mission. On Black Friday, I got up, got dressed for success, took deep breaths, prayed for not my will, but God's be done, and I went inside to make my petition.

SUCCESS!!!  Within hours, I was promoted to Systems Fleet.  This is the Over The Road division. It is a large pay raise, better driver utilization, and it opened my running area up to "anything east of the Rockies"!

My first week on the new fleet, I met up with friends and family enroute from here to there. I made a run back into an old friend, Dallas, Texas.  I have driven out to Denver, Colorado and encountered the first snow and ice for this Florida girl for 2011.

Today, I drop this load and I go park my semi.  Then I have a rental car set up and hotel accomodations.  I will be taking THREE days completely off duty, and off responsibility for my semi. 

I get to go see my daughter ALisha and my two grandsons!!!!!!!!!!! 

WHAT A BLESSING!

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December 7, 2011

I started the blog when I was parking to commence my trip to Pueblo.  I had a GREAT 3 days with my daughter and the boys!!!   Terran at 5 months old is a happy fellow, rolling front to back in a rapid fashion to go where he sets his mind to go.  Jeremiah is 20 months old and is alot of fun, able to interact, talk and express his preferences.

Alisha and I had the evenings free to hang out around her work schedule.  It was just a wonderful blessing all the way around.

I tease that now I have seen the friends and family that I wanted to connect with, and earned a week or so of the higher pay.  My first ice storm, and I was ready to go crying back to the Southeast Comfort Zone, BIG GRIN!!!

It has been very rewarding to blow the cobwebs out of my head by hitting the open roads again on long haul.  I'm already seeing some of the same places twice, whether I like them or not. 

It's a gift of a life out here, over the road.  I see places some people only dream of.  I get to meet people and hopefully share sunshine and positive energies with them.  There is a lot of time to think, pray, meditate and JUST BE.

Making my mind up to enjoy and to glean from where I land, I am very thankful for these opportunities.  This is my mindset this holiday, and my intentions going forward. To live in a place of fervent gratitude for all I am blessed with and to share all I can going forward. 

Thank you for riding along in my travels with my photographs, emails, posts, and blog. I am grateful for every offer of hospitality, every prayer, every text or call.

An entire season of THANKSGIVING,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Things That Fill My Cup

As the 2011 holiday season approaches, I look at where I have been in years past. Glean the lessons contained in the Journey, and pray that going forward, I walk in grace and new life. 

Reminded of a  song "Another Try", it says:


All the things I've felt and never shared
All the times that she was lonely with me there
Tears I wouldn't let fall from my eyes
And how I let her go without a fight
The reasons I'm alone, I know by heart
But I don't wanna spend forever in the dark
I swear next time I'll hang on for dear life
If love ever gives me another try
There's no changing things that we regret
The best that we can hope for is one more chance.

This past year has shown me that there is love in many forms, many surprises, many chances. Close or extended family, old friends, new friends, those you let in and choose to spend time with, those that spend time with you.....  it has been a welcome lesson to learn to let love BE, in all its ways of showing up. I learned this year that "angels walk the earth as women and men".

As the normal has it, I spend the Thanksgiving holiday on my own. It's different this year, because there's a  Knowing that there are many blessings around me, through me, and in me. 

I've been alone a long time though, and the reasons why, I do know by heart.  I don't want to stay there, instead, it is worth the wait and worth the work to give Life in all its offerings "Another Try".

My gratitude list for this holiday season is triumphed in this old blog entry, included below. It also is in the right here, right now, with the new men and women that have joined along in the Journey since I first wrote in May.

Giving life,and the people in it Another Try.
With courage and hope,
~J~
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Sunday, May 22, 2011

WOW!!! I have to say that again, WOW!!

Earlier this week, I received a very gracious invitation to drop by into a friend's Florida vacation and family get- together. I promptly used my word prowess to convince work that I needed the weekend off duty for a "family reunion". Truth :)


As a truck driver, miles to a destination are relative. Some I get paid to perform. Some I pay to execute. My excitement affects my overall mood. This weekend, I enjoyed a bonanza of reunions from the full out surprise, to the carefully established. I stayed with my best friend Friday, Saturday and today, but only got to sit down to share a meal and fellowship today. She was out of town all weekend herself, giving me free rein of her home. That's love.


At least one of each - the friend I saw 2 weeks ago. The friends I saw sometime so far this year. The friends I saw 10 years ago. The friends I saw 25 years ago. The family I had yet to meet. The internet connection I nurtured 5 years and finally met in person today.


Blessed with free lodging and respite, I based out these visits out of Osceola County. My friends and their families were primarily in Polk and Lake Counties. From laughter that hurt my sides and made my face red, to those precious moments that catch your breath and skip your heart's beat, to the body's overflow of a teardrop's course, I travelled 600 miles IN MY CAR in 3 days to too many loving arms to mention.


Over 300 miles in my truck on Friday, and 700 miles coming up in my semi on Monday. Whew, a bit daunting.


I go from solitude in my truck, to two weekends in a row of full out LOVE and embraces. I am a bit soggy and squishy in the love department right now. Like sleep hours, do you ever wish you could bank the hugs up for a starless night?


Ever notice? People want to bless you. One of the first things they think of is to feed you. And trust me, home cooked meals, fellowship, and camaraderie are gifts! But to see as many friends as I did in the past three days? It felt like a Progressive dinner. Everyone wants to feed me, and feels offended if you just ate. LOL.

 People are just sweet like that. And it comes in waves, and very grateful for every presentation of Life's generousities. The dry and lonely periods are just as certain as the open arms moments. That is just the give and take of Life. In my Dad's wisdom, "Some days are just better'n others."

Sunday night after the Grand Finale seafood dinner with my best friend and her 12 year old daughter, Morgan, I decided I would get more bang for my hours to drive home to Sunrise, FL and sleep in my truck tonight for a few hours before taking off to Birmingham, than if I tossed and fretted a few hours in the wonderful real bed at my BF house. This way, it is cooler driving (no car a/c), if I have car troubles, I have time to resolve them and not be late to work, and I think I can let my mental guard down at the end to REST better, knowing all I have to do is show up to work.


Sitting out by ponds, on patios and porches, by myself and with groups of people, extremely at ease and in my element, all five senses were innundated with the sensations of what one could only call "home". The crickets, owls, scented breezes, buzzing bugs, ebb and flow of conversations and of God- moments, cloud animals drifting, and Central Florida's omnipresent humidity just made the welcome of blanketing memories fill the tanks for the times ahead. Reminded of the oil lamps in the temples. Full, from the inside out, keep the lamps trimmed and burning.


Since many of the get togethers were of a "reunion" or meet and greet in nature, the same questions were asked over and over and over again. I could get tired of it. But, instead, I know that being a female truck driver holds a mystique, and it is my gift to the world to be able to put someone in the driver's seat to share my adventures and explorations. God gave me wings and wheels, I can pass it along. It is my joy to do so and I never weary of the questions and discoveries.


Last night though, surrounded in roomful of loving people, in a quiet moment where I was present, but it was not my turn to speak, I felt a peaceful knowing go through my marrow. No one asked me this one question all weekend, but I came away with a self-knowledge.


I am cool with me.


I am comfortable in my own skin.


I am WHOLE.


The recent years when I was unhappy or pressed down? That was the foreign land to me. My personal normal is to be ON FIRE for life and for God. To have been given multiple second chances? To have been demonstrated mercy and grace from God and his ambassadors here on the earthly realm? These love offerings fueled my resident fires.


At my lowest points in the past few years, I may have been nearly extiguished. A smoking flax He will not put out, nor will he break the tender, bruised reed. (paraphrased) But inside me smoldered my passions, my calling, the reason for it all!


To have been reborn and stirred anew is invigorating!


The days may be hot, but I am one cool lion. And I feel a serious R-O-A-R coming on. Lookout!


One provoked lamb,


Jan M. Olsen
~J


I tried to sum my heart's view point up on Facebook, but only those who were with me, get the full impact :


I love how we are all connected. Sometimes, there is a heart bond. It's alot like the warmth that family brings into your spirit. An acceptance and a Knowing. A place of safety, love, and stability. This can be from blood relations or those wonderful souls that graft you in. Being back in my hometown area of Polk County has been a flood of love and joy. My cup runneth over. So blessed.

Rich and Round and True

I find I do not feel quite like myself sometimes. It may be as simple as forgetting to breathe in pure pleasure or need.  Maybe I do not consecrate time and space to meditate, pray, to dream? I can not tell you the last time I gave in to the urge to dance myself weak.

Today found me at just such an impasse. On the outside looking in? I've had contact with both of my daughters, my brother, my church, my special friends and people deeply important to me. My work is steady in the uncertain way trucking has about it.

I know I am a deep thinker. I have made great strides this year in being less of an obessive planner and in just letting Life and God take me where I need to be. It oftens surprises me at the gifts, blessings and WOW moments that come my way when I get "me" out of the way and submit my will to God.

Today is the third in a row where I have to lay down to sleep by 5pm if I hope to rest on the 24 hour clock.  Also, third day in a row, I will have to commence driving at 2am if I am to arrive on time with my load. Tonight, I parked at a nondescript truck stop, a wide spot in the road, unpaved, unkempt little parking place in Laurens, SC on the I-385 connector from I-85 to I-26.

Out of sorts, grumpy, feeling like a good cry would yield me more benefit than a belly shaking laugh, I set out to stroll with God in the cool of this Autumn evening. Before I began my walk, I listened to Roger Whitaker sing, "Both Sides Now"....

 I've looked at love from both sides now,
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall.
I really don't know love at all.

Behind the truck stop led a path past deserted warehouses. It drifted to a gate, and a path beyond it, overgrown. It had animal scat, but no sure footprints or tire marks.  You know me, it was calling my name.  Dusk, cool, South?  Hoping to see forest animals, hear the birds, be gifted with a firefly or two....

The Autumn colors are hanging in there. The woods grew quiet as I intruded, but as I came to a resting place a mile in, I stopped. I breathed in deeply, slowly, deliberately... and I noticed where I held tension. I identified the body parts that hurt and felt constricted.  I then did a variation of meditations by visualizing cool, healing white light, filling the spaces of my hurts, like a balloon.

Then I gently, slowly exhaled. It felt so good, I did it again. Eyes still closed, this time, I took my balled up fists out of my pocket and let my hands relax at my side.

I breathed in LOVE, I breathed out I LOVE.
I breathed in GRATITUDE. I breathed out I AM GRATEFUL.
I breathed in FORGIVENESS. I breathed out I FORGIVE.

I opened my eyes slowly, and I saw crisp clarity. I discerned a single leaf, shaking in the breeze way up high. I heard that the birds had begun to sing again, and could distinguish their parts in the choir. I saw the shades of the reds, yellows, greens of the Fall foliage, and noticed the little wildflowers in the undergrowth.

 The moon was rising 3/4 full in the East above the South Carolina pines, and the sun was in its dying throes somewhere miles behind me, casting brilliant swaths of color from God's pallet to the East in a final farewell to Tuesday, November 8, 2011.  Yes, I really do have to use words like this to describe what I see, feel, hear, experience... this too is just a part of who I am as a communicator.

Do I have the answers to my many questions? Do I have Life (or Love) figured out? Do I know where I am going tomorrow, a week, a year, and decade from now?  NO.

I am reminded I am not living out  my Passionate Purpose while I am isolated over the road as a truck driver.  My heart and passion is to teach, to encourage, to guide.

It was after dark when I stepped out of the bush and onto the bumpy hardball again. It was then that I thought, "I should have danced back there". Ahhhhh,,, my passionate outlet. It has been TOO LONG since I have dressed comfortably and laced on my tennis shoes and danced in the dark until I can no longer stand to my feet.  I have not sang out loud to the angels, God, and sky until I am hoarse and spent.

I am relaxed now more than when I went for the walk to begin with. Now I have a list of things to do in the near future.  To write, to learn, to grow, to explore.  To be me,, and not conform to what others wish I were for them.

Here is a link to the YouTube video and the lyrics to the song. As he sings it so rich and full? It stirs my heart to say, "There is MORE... don't ever give up. This is not the end of hope, of love, of life."

Time to lay down and let the worries take care of themselves. If God grants another day? Face it with joy, happiness and excitement for the living.  Dance and sing a whole lot more. Laugh, write, give ,,, Love, Gratitude, and Forgiveness.

And breathe.... breathe.... breathe,,, open my eyes and soak God in. It is rich and round and true...

Looking at Life from "Both Sides Now",
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
http://youtu.be/Vp8kKAGrhV0

Songwriters: JONI MITCHELL

 

Bows and flows of angel hair and ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere, I've looked at cloud that way.
But now they only block the sun, they rain and snow on everyone.
So many things i would have done but clouds got in my way.

I've looked at clouds from both sides now,
From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions i recall.
I really don't know clouds at all.

Moons and junes and ferris wheels, the dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real; i've looked at love that way.
But now it's just another show. you leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know, don't give yourself away.

I've looked at love from both sides now,
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall.
I really don't know love at all.

Tears and fears and feeling proud to say "I love you" right out loud,
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds, I've looked at life that way.
But now old friends are acting strange, they shake their heads, they say
I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day.

I've looked at life from both sides now,
From win and lose, and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall.
I really don't know life at all.

First Love, A Refreshing Renewal

Many can remember their first crush, the first look upon "The One", or the first time they experienced the rush that comes with following your passion and doing whatever it is that moves you so deeply.  In church, we talk about a person's conversion experience and the giddy, clean afterglow as "First Love".

Sometimes, the days, years, LIFE go by and we look back to reminisce, "Whatever happened to my First Love for this.....?"   In the Bible, *in Revelation, it talks about the seven churches. The one that has always struck me is Ephesus.  They have all the right programs, ministry, songs, outreach, services.... but God has ought with them because they have grown lukewarm. They have lost the luster of First Love. (see footnote)

In my own life, I see many times this concept comes to play. My first love of reading, writing, learning. The first time I held a virgin baseball in my hand and fit my fingers around the stitches. The first time I stood on a stage or pulled up to a radio mike and passionately read my own writings for others.  My first glimpse of Brian in 7th grade.  The first time I put my trombone together, sprayed the slide, and buzzed a note. My first day  teaching in front of a classroom of kindergarteners eager to learn and play.

Funny, of all the people in and out of my life, only a handful stand out in the "First Love Wall of Fame". People that you know in that very instant that LIFE has just tilted on its axis and is spinning at hypersonic speeds. God has given you a gift, a chance, and the new person Journeys with you for minutes, or days, or years. When the time has come to go seperate ways, you have a heart full of memories and shared moments.

In the transportation field, my first time kick starting a motorcycle, rolling the throttle, or pushing the clutch and turning the key to a car, or as a commercial truck driver, the initial releasing of the brakes to begin to roll 18 wheels in harmonious motion stand out appropriately as milestones.  So does my first mountain descent, ice storm, view of the four changing seasons, and that new smell of a vehicle with 2 miles on the odometer.

Just this past weekend, though, I had the gift of taking a friend to church with me for his first visit to my local congregation.  His reaction reminded me of my driving students when I would take them to services across the USA.  One student, Vickie, made it inside the doors of the Granite Falls, Illinois  sanctuary only to lock her knees and freeze in the very back of the room.   I returned to guide her to a seat. Later, over dinner she told me she had been hit with a "wall of such love" and that moment she froze, she was telling herself over and over again, "breathe, Vickie! Don't pass out!  Breathe! C'mon, BREATHE!" During the weeks she rode with me in my semi, it became a common sight to see the glow of her flashlight, under the covers on the top bunk as she pored over the Bible I gave her.

It always made me have a catch in my heartbeat to wonder when did I lose my own first fervor? How long had it been since I was THAT hungry and thirsty to spend my every moment with the God I profess to love more than anything? Every time I took a new person, this lesson pressed in on me and stirred my passions anew. But then.... time passed. Life took a course change. Stuff happens. I have a habit of tucking and rolling with the flow that gets me through the hard times in Life. When I am honest with myself, tucking and rolling becomes such a normal response? I find myself complacent, immune, and just getting by day by day. 

I choose to be a dynamic person!  I choose LIFE abundantly!  I choose passion and fire in my every day interactions and efforts!

I give a thank you to my friend from this weekend. What a gift to later  be able to talk about shared experiences and to see the same room, same sounds, same people through very different perspectives.  The newcomers first blush of excitement, awe, and to see them a tad bit overwhelmed as they process all the sensory offerings of a vibrant, loving Pentecostal experience. When I am tenderized again, I look out to see how it must appear to someone new.

I also remember a similar moment of such awe and wonder. In a funny way, the comparison makes me laugh a bit extra. I grew up going with my Mom and brother to Lakeland, FL to watch Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey Circus arrive on the train at the Lakeland Civic Center. Then we would go get lunch, and take in the first show under the Big Top, watching Gunther Gaebel Williams and the the wild cats!!!  For me, it was a gimme, my own children would have these opportunities as well.

Angel was 7 years old, Alisha was 4 years old. We bought our tickets, went inside, the kids skipping in anticipation at the drama a circus presence brings.

I will never, EVER forget,,, NEVER FORGET..... looking to my right to the seat next to me and seeing the "W-O-W", open-jawed WONDER and glisten in my four year old daughter's eyes.  She was not moving. She was not speaking words.  Her gaze was open and directed to the three rings of color, sounds, glitz and glamor.  It has been over 18 years since that moment, and even as I type the story here, tears well up in my eyes and the love, and onslaught of powerful AWE swells in my chest and I remember that moment of Ahhhhhh....  with my girls.

I do not compare a  visit to church with a trip to the circus, lol. But my friend's facial expression, the stillness in his frame, and his WOW this past weekend as he stood next to me as a visitor to a church that I attend 104 + times a year, every year..... Again, as I type to tell my views of that moment, tears clump in my  heart, throat, and eyes.

While I love sharing these moments of WONDER and newness with friends and family?

I ask myself, why do I not have this same AWE each and every time, especially in church? Especially in God's presence, as I seek Him in prayer and meditation? Where is my own FIRST LOVE and why have I waxxed complacent or  find myself taking God for granted? Why don't I have more questions, more answers, more desire today than ever before???

What a wonderful gift to see "First Love" again!  What a challenge to me to dust off the hamper of Life stuff, and to return to that perpetual place of "can't get enough of God" and all the fullness thereof.  For myself, I want to return to innocent trust in God and unadulterated adoration. I want to see the world, the people, the situations, the prayer opportunities through new, first timers eyes.

I want to be in AWE with God and Life again.

Refreshed,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

* referenced above:

King James Version (KJV)

Revelation 2
¹Unto the angel of the church of Ephesus write; These things saith he that holdeth the seven stars in his right hand, who walketh in the midst of the seven golden candlesticks;

²I know thy works, and thy labour, and thy patience, and how thou canst not bear them which are evil: and thou hast tried them which say they are apostles, and are not, and hast found them liars:

³And hast borne, and hast patience, and for my name's sake hast laboured, and hast not fainted.

⁴Nevertheless I have somewhat against thee, because thou hast left thy first love.

Taken For Granted

This week I have had a series of instances that Life has given me the gift of becoming aware.  More than once, it was brought to my attention that I was taking areas of my life for granted. Once I realized my complacency or arrogance, I began to meditate and pray for balance and correction of my attitudes.

When I purposefully choose my outlook and attitude? I select gratitude, optimism, love, charity, patience and joy. I choose to serve God in all that I do from my job, to my relationships, to my thinking, to personal down time.  It is my own personal way to be passionate and fully involved in everything that I endeavor, giving 110% of myself. 

To see of myself that I was taking anything for granted, was a reminder and a friction in my spirit. I’ve spent some time examining myself, invited God to search me, sought outside counsel and I am encouraged to be gentle with myself and my process.  After a time of reckoning and decisions, I am going forward with grace and humble intention to be my true self.

If I have offended anyone or treated you with less than my best attention? I am sorry.  I am desiring to improve. If I have abused anyone by overextending my time with them? I am sorry.  If I neglected to nurture the utmost in my relationships? Please forgive me.

I do not take you for granted.

I am grateful for you.

And I am blessed to be aware going forward.

My daughter today told me something in context that made my heart swell with motherly pride, and chastened me at the same time. Discussing a $36 monthly bill, she brought up the effort at a job that it takes to earn that amount.  X hours. X miles. X service. 

Her profound words created a Listening Place in me. Using me as an example, she said, “Once you have driven those miles in those hours of a day to earn specific money? You can not ever get that time of your life back. Use the income wisely.”

A confirmation from the mouths of babes, do not take one bit of life for granted. Not the ability to earn, not the time it takes, not the bill you owe, not the people you encounter….. enjoy it all. LIVE in this Present Moment and reap all it has for you. Give with all you have within you. And I add, thank God for the gift of time and other resources.

Taking back my priorities,

Jan M. Olsen

~J~

Exciting Changes Ahead

It seems like I have been in a holding pattern for a very long time.  Relationships, career, home, health, and the ever present niggling reminders that I am not getting younger all made small minute shifts over the last decade,  and then leveled off to a complacent grumble.  2010 was amazing in that I discovered my breath, deliberate choice and the flow of giving vs. receiving. Today is the first  of Fall 2011 and I would say this is an exciting season brimming with possibilities.

One lesson I learned by watching others was to clear space in my life. I experienced the release of letting go of what is no longer serving me. I saw respected friends clear their home of excess or give it all away and lean out, trusting God to catch them.  When I was ready, I cleared my contacts list, and have made it a point to revisit regularly if the person should remain on my list.  I am preparing myself mentally to sort my two storage sheds and consolidate. I made decisions regarding job offers and made excellence in service my trademark.

Then in August and September I took another trip to see my daughter and grandsons in Colorado.  It was a wonderful visit.  I try very hard to not hold expectations.  Instead, I coach myself to remain flexible, grateful, hopeful, and to conduct myself as an ambassador of peace.  With prior spiritual and emotional affirmations, I went there to embrace love, gratitude, forgiveness and to enjoy every second.  I was careful not to judge the time or anyone, but to be in a peaceful place of acceptance. 

The return to work and to Florida was not the same vein as in previous trip followups.  I ended up out of work not earning money, forced to spend money on lodging and food for weeks altogther before, during and after my trip.  I like to plan my life..... but WOW!  LIFE HAPPENED!

Yes, I was stressed with worrying.  But early on, I caught myself and I took deep, deliberate breaths and I decided that to be true to myself?  I needed to remain optimistic and have faith in God, not in me.

The rest and restoration was as necessary as it was unexpected.  When I did return to work?  The slow pace seemed to dog me, and I had to surrender again. Again. And again.

It was somewhere in these last months of shift, correction, and submission that my Process began to pay me dividends.  Suddenly, I met new people.  Men and women came into my life and some of them gave me a message for that moment, but some of them are developing roots and foundation alongside me on my Journey.  I welcome the newcomers and celebrate these gifts of new friends, new relationships, new precious lives and find I am eager to start the new day to see where we travel today?

Also, I do not maintain a residence.  I went many months of not getting a hotel room on my break times from work or responsibility for my equipment.  Once I began getting a hotel?  Well, the running water, quiet rooms, and spacious decor wooed me. I began to wonder if I should get an apartment, only to be reminded that South Florida is EXTREMELY high cost of living compared to the rest of the state!!!  I do not want to rent a room and share bathrooms or common areas.  I need the clear space to relax into when I take time off my intense work schedule and service to others.

The day of rest and time to recharge my batteries became evident as important keys to my continued improved health and attitudes.

Then, when I had decided to postpone paying for a place??  Out of the blue, a 2 bedroom, 1 bath house on one acre of land became available to me.  It includes an additional efficiency apartment and is in a secure and safe suburban area.  I can set up my bedroom, kitchen, bathroom etc... and still be able to set apart a room in the house consecrated to worship, praise, communion with God and spiritual pursuits.  I can dance, sing, and freely pray or study in space that fits me.  WOW!!!  

I will also be able to close the drain of one storage unit. The new place will have adequate storage for boat, car, semi truck,  SCUBA gear, and motorcycle (now I'm dreaming of the future, lol).  I may be able to visit with Addy more often and renew my relationship with my faithful hound,

Also, I have options of new jobs, new positions at work, or new pay opportunities.

ALL  OF THIS CAME ABOUT *AFTER* I RELINQUISHED THE NEED TO CONTROL AND KNOW EVERY DETAIL UP FRONT.

I stopped planning for God, and started letting Him direct my paths.  Yes, I know, it took me long enough! 

If the home idea works out? If any of the new people stay and the friendship and roles deepen?  I will be grateful.  Today, I am humbly brimming with gratitude and so curious what is just around the bend in the road.  Leaning on God and Life, I am doing my part to show up, dressed and ready to flow. Very aware that money, fame or things will not complete me, I am experiencing a river of gifts from God. Receiving and giving with an incessant flow of blessings and provision, my personal bounty is overflowing and I can not pay it out fast enough. Beautiful Life.

My health, future, finances and relationships that are dear to me are in much bigger, more powerful hands than mine.  I trust God to be everything for Angel and her family, Alisha and her family, and for my relatives or friends along the way.  There's a peace in my valley.

Excited and changing,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

What I Hear When The Noise And Clamor Ceases

It has been an interesting time lately.  Feeling led to sit to write a note to say that all is well and that I am okay.  I sense a need in me to give thanks, see the rainbows and pause to smell the lilies of the fields.

One of my roles as a person has me gravitating to being the Go-To guy.  I am the oldest in my family. I am the mom and Nana. I mentor a continuous thread of dear people. I train and recruit. I am the rescue 911 driver in the trucking business. I am head of household.

This has me wondering how to be the best in all I do? Trying many combinations, some things work better than others. This past month has been a season of slowing down, whether I wanted to or not. I found refuge in my faith and solace in the quiet. After the initial shock of sudden cease of forward motion and chattering clamor? The heartbeat of pleasant silence surrounded me like a mother’s womb. Soon, I found myself resting in God and trusting him to take me where he designed me to attend. What peace to just let go, fall, and believe.

Even though I am tentatively moving out into the stream of life surging around me again, I still feel the effects of the solitude, rest and restoration gained while I shut out the world for days that turned into weeks.  Eager to work and continue in Life, I am also sensitive to the cues around me to be quiet, still, and patient.  And trust me, all of the last 3 are quite a chore for me!

For every concern I could name? I can quickly find the blessing in it.  Yes, my parents have a tree breaking one limb at a time and tearing holes through their house.  Yet, no one has been injured and my Dad is a handy man.  Yes, I was out of work a very long time and forced to rest. But hey, I had a motel room every night that I needed it and all the amenities of bed and running water.  This list could go on for many pages, but suffice it to say, I am inspired by how Life is turning out to be quite capable of turning on its own course.  Thankful for the balance that God chooses of solitude, company and interactions.

Recently I rode out a severe South Florida thunderstorm on the beach, wrapped in a bedsheet and praying to not be struck by lightning. When the threat rumbled away, I enjoyed the cool clingy dampness of muddy sugar sand caressing my bare feet, flexing, filling the space. Later my footsteps rolled across warm asphalt, steaming across a parking lot.  The simple notice of the senses of touch, smell, sound, taste, and sight just filled my being with joy and gladness to be experiencing this very moment in this exact time. No one else felt or saw the rain on my face quite like I did. I surely had the entire beach alone as far as my eyes could see.

Choosing to take the down times as opportunities to write, my every being is grateful for the intellect to search for words to express my heart and soul.  There is freedom here. It is a gift to have time to write.  I have been gentle with myself in this recent bout of Process and have been tenderly sorting my wishes, hopes, and dreams. I am determined to champion all that is GOOD and RIGHT instead of giving attention to what may be lacking or wrong.

I am definitely celebrating the lives of myself, my girls, family and friends, and I am not judging them or placing limits on God in their lives.

This season set apart does not seem to be a calling to brokenness. This time it feels like an expectant pause, a pregnant miracle, growing, developing, maturing. I have had extremely potent bursts of clarity, energy, pure divine revelation and an excess of hunger for the fullness of the present moment. I am here in this place for a reason. There is gratitude that wells up in me for this new direction, vision and hope.

Resting, listening, in the calm that comes when the clamor ceases, I am beginning to be sensitive again to hear the still, small voice of calm.

Attentively listening,

Jan M. Olsen

~J~

A Day Like Any Other

At the time I was arrested I had no idea it would turn into this. It was just a day like any other day. The only thing that made it significant was that the masses of the people joined in. ~Rosa Parks


My 43rd birthday came and went as a day like any other in recent years. I find myself in a sea of people, each one teeming in their own ocean.  For the second August 27th  in a row,  my  work day happened so that I was glad to get a Subway sandwich and happy to find a parking place that was relatively safe for 10 hours.

My oldest daughter, Angel, stayed awake to call me at 12:01am on August 27, 2011.  She sang to me, and quoted to me a childrens' book, "The Kissing Hand".   Little beast made me cry as I drove my semi truck overnight.  Then as she was winding down, getting drowsy on the phone,  I told her she was the bestest.  She quipped, "I thought I was the P.S.?"  So I replied, "The PS-est of the PS's."  

As the disconnect was made, I heard one last giggle, "You are Cwazy lady!"  to which I called back to note, "I heard that!".... made us both laugh then and today as she admits to being goofy sleepy and unsure what we said last night.

A few months ago I had to get a new cell phone when my Verizon phone broke.  I changed carriers altogether.  I lost over 12 saved voicemails that I had cherished for several years of my daughters, friends, church family and other loved ones leaving me songs, made up fantasy stories of Thor waiting for us in a cabin in the woods, and sundry declarations of love.  Since having the new phone? No one has called to sing or say they love me to the voicemail.  Until today ~ my dad sang "Happy Birthday" Phil Hooper style.... my first saved Sprint voicemail!!!!

When I called him back, I heard a tale that made my heart shake and curled my insides.  A huge oak tree branch had crashed through their bedroom ceiling, landing only 10 inches from my sleeping Dad's face.  Fairly extensive damage to the house, an insurance adjuster, and much work to clear the debris has filled their week.  Hearing about it after the fact shook me.  Our time on earth is fleeting as it is.

My Mom?  Bless her.  She says she mailed me a birthday card weeks ago.  I do not know who got the card? I hope they enjoyed the silly poetry from my Dad and signature from my mom? LOL. She did not say anything to me today, she had done her deed by mailing the card. I just let her repeat things I have heard as a broken record for the past months, knowing she would suddenly "have to go"  at any minute to a life I interuppted by my phone call to say "I love you Mom." I was glad she is here to talk to me one more day and do not look forward to the silence that will one day be the case.

Thank you Brett, my DM for the laughing wishes on Friday, for Jim the mechanic that let me slide without a routine service, for the text messages from my Aunt Lannis that gave me a crib to sleep in as an infant, and who raised me as a twin to my cousin. Texts also came this week from Dawn Reckhart, my Auburndale friend sister in God.  Dawn was steeling for a direct hit in New Jersey from Hurricane Irene, and yet kept my phone busy the last couple of days assuring me of her love. I am a blessed girl!

This day last year, I was still in pain with an illness and carrying unrepented injuries in my memories. This year  I was blessed to be released of both, and for that I am extremely grateful. Thank you to my abiding friend, Mark. Opening the present,  2011 has been amazing in terms of growth, new ideas and a revolving door of fresh opportunities to become my best self.

Preparing for my fourth Reunion, Reconcilliation, Reconnection trip to Colorado to be with Alisha and my two grandsons, I have had an usually odd work week. The normal week being 14 hour days, I am not used to sitting around at such odd intervals, yet pinned to the responsibility for the truck or trailer.  Friday I only did 450 miles, and wanting more work, I requested to run overnight. Wish granted, I ran from 9pm Friday - 1100 am Saturday for an additional 500 miles.

  I was supposed to run 578 miles 9pm Saturday-Sunday, but that load cancelled.  I made my mind up while still in the bunk this evening in prayer, to be submitted to God's will and plan, wherever he may choose to go with me.  When the load cancelled? I had a lot of peace, and figure I will enjoy flipping back to the dayshift, and the extra double resting period will be wonderful to my body, mind, spirit before my Colorado trip.

If I had known ahead that I had Sunday off, I would have set up a ride to a local church in Jacksonville, FL.  There may still be time to make those arrangements when I wake up. Who knows?

God knows.  He also knows the plans he has for me. He knows where I am now. He knows that I am both grateful to be alive and ready for the next year, and that I am weary sometimes of this life in general.  He knows my heart and the Processes I am going through. Reassuringly, he knows the Outcome as well.

Relief.

Letting go the control that I do not have anyway and climbing up in my Daddy's arms like I am 4 .... not 43. 

I will end as I began, with a quote from Rosa Parks.  Who knows the scope a life will have, when all is said and done? Much to be considered, the choices are up to me to tend to as lovingly as a gardner of miracles.  Curious where I will be in life one year from today?

Memories of our lives, of our works and our deeds will continue in others.~ Rosa Parks

Continuing,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Counting On It

60 Seconds in a  minute/ 60 minutes in an hour.
3,600 seconds in an hour/ 24 hours in a day.
86, 400 seconds in a day/ 7 days in a week.
604, 800 seconds in a week/ 52 weeks in a year.
31, 449, 600 seconds in a year.

That's what my mind has managed to boil my existence down to at this moment.

31, 449, 600 seconds in a year. I can not add seconds to the regular 365 days a year. If I live the entire year from beginning to ending, I can not actually reduce the number of seconds. The question is never really in how many seconds I have left to use in my lifetime of seconds, minutes, days, weeks, years, but rather how did I spend that exact factual numbered supply? I actively control or affect the latter.

As a person, I describe myself as passionate, on fire, shaking and baking, busy, invigorated, optimistic, emotional, loving, driven, tenacious, forgiving, intelligent, motivated, inspired, always learning, dynamic, curious, open, tender, giving, serving,  full of gratitude. I know that list is not focussing on grammar or form.   It is more important to me to spit a whale out of the pit of my tummy right now than it is to make it come to sense to anyone, but me!  I need a moment of my own clarity and understanding. I'M WORKING ON IT!!!

I've prayed about it.  Meditated. Read material. Written. Practiced free-writing just prior to this stint at the computer. I've slept on it, dreamed of it, or tossed and turned over it.

The concept of  free writing is something that results in  several thoughts tumbling from me at once. Today, I looked "free writing" up online again and chose an educational, no frills site. Then I decided to follow their format. This included setting a timer, not stopping, not editing, not judging, and choosing a topic to write about. In my own off beat sense of humor?  I chose "Free Writing" as the topic. Why?  I was curious what would come up?

I am into the details of how and why.  That is a bit annoying at times like free writing, praying, meditating, etc.  I know why I do this.  It came up several times this past week.  I heard myself saying in my head, or even muttering out loud, "Damn! I was set up to fall short on this.  That's going to show as a "fail".  Fail is an angry word in my vocabulary. I HATE TO FAIL.  If you do this, Jan, you will fail." 

I have had a lot of exposure to old concepts that came to me in fresh ways this past 11 months.  Some of it is so simple, it was hard. Some of it was hidden among the stuff of life.  Some of it I  was conditioned to get over it, move on. Some of it, I just accepted, tired of bucking the flow upstream. Some of it, habit or traditions held me bound.  Some of it religion or dogma put fear in my spirit and I stayed shy away from either the Unknown, or the unsafe.

 Some of it was brand spanking new to me, some of it I just kept pushing back, staying in my roll with the flow mode that gets me through all kinds of life drama or issues.   That last one, rolling with the flow, is a survival tool I've had to engage, seems like all my life.  Just get through it, move on, and hope I learned a thing or two?

As a person, I get very uptight thinking that I might fail, and it sometimes causes the very thing I am worrying over.  The concept I recognized this year was "what you reflect out of you, is what you attract to you." Even as I type this, my stomach is roiling, my jaw is clamped,  my hands keep clenching, my posture is slumped and my eyes keep drifting off screen.


  The day is beautiful in Central Florida, but my focus is lax and I think it keeps trying to protect me, to push me back just under an alarming level? The fact I can't focus even is ticking me off, and I see I am going in circles. "Failing" again. This time to sort out or stay on a topic.  Just as I wrote that?  I huffed an angry growl that would have smoked my laptop into an incendiary heap of smoldering ash if I was a dragon. UGH!  I have been in and out of that stage of an aggravated huff for quite a while now!!!

Here is a bit of my shot gun spray of angst. Some of it came out in my free writing exercise.  As I wrote most of it? I noticed myself pushing my way through to humor. That's another survival tool. If you can laugh about a situation? It may not be as bad as you once thought, it might relax if it is bad, and you can definitely ease up and get into the "roll with the flow" stage if you can laugh about it.


  As I was free writing? My mind was still so uptight, it kept telling me "you can't edit it , per the "RULES", so don't screw it up the first time to begin with.  Just keep it light, so you can keep moving. Don't get serious or grey. Don't fail this too, Hooper!"

hmmmm... is that a sign of something more deeply ominous?  All week I referred to myself by an old name, my maiden name.  Hmmm?

To free write? I paid careful attention up front to "get everything right". I located looseleaf paper. I found me a lid to a storage unit to use as a desktop. I found the timer function on my EVO and even restarted it. I wanted to set it for ten minutes, but I got edgy that pushing the start took up my seconds. So I actually set it for 10 minutes, 30 seconds, to give me time to turn and address my paper.  I fidgeted with the Sirius Xm selections.


  I love classical and symphonic music, but I found myself grooving to the beat. If anything had voice? I was straining to decipher it. I settled in with cool jazz, only every 5th song or so has any lyrics to it. The station is called Watercolors, and when I think of that word, I think of light shades of blue, watery, mixxing and fading across a clean canvas. Beginning to drip, swirl, tilt.. blend.  That seemed a good moodsetting  for writing.

  Finally, I stopped all that bustle and I truly did the three deliberate, slow breaths that I learned this year. What a gift!

I didn't have a pen on hand that I like.  I am adamant to write with blue ink when it is for personal or pleasure use.  And I don't like the pen to be smooth grip, or medium point.  The only blue pens on my truck now are slick bics or a Pilot knock off with a broken plastic sheath.  So the pen bent at the tip, wobbling as I wrote and I kept noticing it. Annoyed.  Wow.  I am really cranky, lol.

I chose the topic Free Writing because just those words make me smile.... okay, they make me grin and internally giggle.  I feel the corners of my eyes crinkling and my heart gets skippy in a happy beat.  This is a result of when I first "discovered" the term, I asked three people I trust to tell me what all the buzz was about.  And all three of them laughed at me, or should I say, with me? I was sheepish to ask. They all three got sparkles of good humor, that radiated out in their reply.  I can not rein in a a goofy giggle in my heart to think of the phrase "free writing". So I chose  a subject that both infuriates me and makes me laugh. That's a typical experience right now, in the exact SECOND I am living.

Whew, that was wandering.  My mind is doing a lot of that drifting stuff lately. ANYWAY!  What I came up with in the free writing exercise in ten minutes was just exactly how much TEN MINUTES costs or affects. And YES!! That is my anxiety!  That is my "fail". That is what is twisting and turning me into knots.  As I defined it in my ramblings today, this ten minute exercise is JUST ANOTHER item to add to my "Things To Be Done" list. 

Ten minutes by itself is a small number. That's only 600 seconds out of a year.

But when the "LIST" keeps tacking STUFF on every day?
Or when items really should be given more than ten minutes to be adequate?

I'm overwhelmed and out of time before I begin.

I failed.

Sigh.....

10 minutes to pray.
10 minutes to breathe.
10 minutes to meditate.
10 minutes to read.
10 minutes to write.
10 minutes to exercise.
10 minutes to love.
10 minutes to serve.
10 minutes to give.


Many of those on that list above should have 30-60 minutes- EACH AND EVERY DAY!!
Yet, just at the bare bones? Before breakfast or a shower?  It's already 90 minutes, or one and a half hours of my exact 24 hours a day.


Each advocate says their exercise is the one necessary to be life-changing or meaningful. As it all adds up, I feel the weight of my shortcomings on my soul. I feel the strain to add even one more routine to my unstructured work and lifestyle.  See? In doing the exercise, I almost talked myself out of doing, while still in the process of doing it.

Confused yet?  Here's another one for you.  I am not into jokes that find their humor in degrading or injuring another.  One of the rare exceptions so far, has been an NPR Radio show on Saturdays called, "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me."  I find it to be funny, a bit risque, and yet, somewhat a funny way to present portions of truthful events.  I live in a technical era that offers so many ways to get the gratification I search for.  If my laptop internet streams too slow for live-streaming?  If SiriusXM doesn't have it?  The new Android most likely has it somewhere.



  My EVO has an application called "Tune In Pro" that allows me to search and tap into live streams of radio WORLDWIDE. I can listen now, record these to listen to later, fast forward, rewind, etc.  I can search by title of a program, local station, genre, or just by letting the Android tell me what is on. Over 5,000 options.  By the way, even for a multi-tasker like me? That is 4, 999 more radion stations than I can enjoy at one time!

I knew August 20, 2011 was Saturday.  Where was my NPR radio show?  I made it my agenda to LAUGH dammit.  Man!  I ended up being thwarted in every corner and aggravated at trying to find what I put my hopes on to make me laugh!  Aiyiyiyi!

 The program is contingent upon good cell phone signal coverage.  And my opinion? Sprint has the absolute lousiest coverage of all the providers!  As I drive on my job, I am forever having to reboot my Sprint computer aircard for my laptop and my cell phone to get back in the stream.  How annoying! 

If I am recording on Tune In?  Well, it gets a burp in the stored program every time I lose signal or have to reboot.  Yesterday? I swear it seemed like every time it was a punchline to a joke, or an answer to a question? A wrinkle in time and I lost signal!!!  Grrrr.

So, I had a brainstorm!!!  This is at least a nationwide NPR program.  I could find it in, say, Pacific time zone and program it to record for later.  Meanwhile, I stumbled upon podcasts of "Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me" with weekly dates up to August 13th.

FINALLY!!! This is where I found humor to make up for the humorous radio I was being gypped of!  Here is my punchline - " Next week's podcast will be last week's broadcast copy of today's show."

I simply need to be patient 604,800 seconds until this time next week, to hear today's show.

It failed to humor me then, that all of the podcasts are new material to me, since I just discovered them yesterday.

To sum this all up, as I can feel my steam is seeping out?  The "Do XXXXX or you will fail, Jan" comes from my work on my job as a truck driver.  It was when I was a lease operator and my aggressive driver manager pushed his equally aggressive driver (me) to succeed in the business model. 

450 miles a day or you will fail, Jan.

750 miles on Monday, did not excuse a 350 mile day on Tuesday. To the pair of us?  I had shown I had the potential for a 750 mile day each and every time.

It also goes back to a phrase I heard all through my growing up years. "You are falling so far below your potential. What a waste."... well, somehow, that didn't motivate me to "SHOW THEM",,, it eventually came to, "Well, FINE, I won't fricking ever be good enough anyway, so I aint gonna bust a gut trying this time either."
 
Today, I refuse to fall into that trap or lie!!!

I end up leaning more to the "450 miles a day or you will fail" mentality.

Push myself to my edge, then tomorrow? Strive to BETTER MY BEST.

This can be a powerful tool to spur me onward.  Right now though, it is making me tired to my core of always falling just short of the mark I set in my own path.  Especially since I do not control many aspects of trucking business. 

The only parts I do control? MY alarm clock, my calendar, my time spent attending to the driving, the fewer, shorter stops better.

I am watching my life pass by at 62 mph in a huff of sick diesel fumes.

Currently, I have an agressive driver manager again.  This man does not believe he needs to consult me when he plans my loads. He expects me to go when and where I am told, when he tells me to do so.  This grates on my every last nerve.

I am an intelligent, thinking, rational human being and I can choose when and where, how and what route to go,,, as long as the WHY is covered,,, which is simple - safe! on time! pick up and delivery! professional, attentive customer service at my own HIGH STANDARD.

The driver manager discovered I will run my heart out.  So he has gotten a bad habit of planning me back to back, grueling, very tight deadlines that "rescue" loads and drive his/my miles up per week.  It pays to have me on a fleet.  It pays me to have a manager like him behind me. Together? We are killing my desire to keep going on!

This week?  I pushed HARD out of the gate!  Almost immediately, circumstances caused me to sit 20 hours UNPRODUCTIVE, then "help me out",,, so I ran hard and furious to back his play.

Got to the next one? He has booked me back to back, no wiggle room. I had better plan on a tailwind to push my truck 63 mph, and not drink any water that day.

Get almost to the destination (projected on time, btw) and he slings me to rescue another driver's load, who is already TWO fricking hours late.

I have remained in that 1-2 hour late status the rest of the week.  You can't make it up.

i am failing at my job. Just as I failed to not overthink free writing. Just as I failed to see how in God's green earth I can add ONE MORE 10 minute routine to my day!!!!!!!!!!

Will I get relief?  COUNT ON IT!  Will I perservere? Yep!  Will I get righted and get on top of my own work ethic? You bet your A$$.

Right now? I have 100 minutes. That's  6,000 seconds left before I have to blast off on a Sunday to commence today's effort to catch up from the hell hole of "failures" of last week.  How I spend that finite, exact, specific allotment of "time"?

Is up to me.

Getting off the computer to find a way to raise my emotions, my vibrations and my attitude?

Count on it,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

How Many Cups Do I Need At One Time?

I am choosing gratitude.

There are circumstances this week that concern me.  If I let myself, I could spent my finite minutes stressing in worry and expending my resources trying to bend the outward world to fit my preferences.  At times, it is a lot of work to remember to shift my thoughts or attitudes to being grateful and rolling with the flow.  Whatever time I get afforded to me, will not return again. It's up to me to make it memorable and worthy.

This past weekend at my home town and church  blessings poured  in a turbulent flow of incoming and outgoing experiences. I was able to rest  often on the beach, with friends as well as moments of peaceful solitude, and to attend both Sunday church services. God is amazing all the time and this past weekend was very inspiring to be a part of the miraculous and Holy Ghost explosions.

I had let certain priorities slip. I had allowed my focus to drift from the main thing.   It's when I experienced peace and unity again, umerited favor and grace, that I realised THIS is the missing piece when I am apart for any length of time.  My heart filled with the love.  Already, I began to long to return..

God is everywhere. He is all things. My particular niche, though, is among people that love and protect me.  There is so much work to do for others, no matter where we go.  I can be of service locally in a focused way just as I can scatter abroad.

It's common for me to desire a home or roots.  

Today I choose to be grateful for the moments I have already had.  I choose to accept and be thankful for my week as it unfolds. This present moment is the only one I have any control over.  Even then, it is often just control of my attitude that I actually affect.

 I do hope to get back home this weekend.  But I chose to be thankful for a driver manager that is aggressive and has his own agenda.  There are times his work ethic assists my own drive to excel.  I must be thankful for his role at all times, not just when it is looking good in my own eyes.

My daughter sent me a photo of my grandson yesterday.  Two men were teasing him in a line at WalMart.  Jeremiah is one years old.  He can not yet discern what is real, what is important, what is lasting, what is necessary.  The photo shows him holding a blue and a green cup. His facial expression screams "MINE!".  He cannot drink of both cups at once. He did not look willing to surrender either to the neighbors.

Every now and then when I get cranky at the world around me, when it doesn't move in the direction or speed I deem is best, or when I rely on other people that see things altogether differently than I do?  I act like a child with two cups, both mine. I want it all.  I tell myself this is so I can give it away.  Right now, I wonder if it is because I am being selfish for the moment?

Today? I am choosing to be in a state of gratitude for the one who fills my cups to overflowing and abundance.

Thanking God,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Reaching That Place

As all manner of Life anniversaries and milestones assail me during the late Spring and Summer months, I am reminded of all my many blessings and gifts in this life.  From birthdays to wedding anniversaries,  service years, dates important people joined or left my life stream, it is all very new and fresh this year.  August is one of those months full of anniversaries.

I know  people  tend to look at my life and have one of two opinions.  Either they think I am the coolest cat with the best job ever, and they are right. I am and I do  :)    Or they feel sorry I am alone, no residence, no one close to me.  They are right in the facts of that reality, but I view all of those results as their own blessings for various reasons.

2010- Present day, I learn more every day how to simplify my life,  how to enrich the lives that come in  contact with  mine, and how to find the blessing in everything.  I'm an optimist by nature and it doesn't take much for me to settle down, breathe calmly and see God is in control and that I am amply blessed in favor.

All of this gentle acceptance of my life and learning to date leads me to a place of rest in my Spirit. I am calmer, happier, more grateful, as well as exercising forgiveness more readily to myself and others.  The most recent developments are allowing love and other gifts to flow in and out of me less hindered. A consummate student of Life, there is much yet to learn or experience.  The forward progress thrills me immensely.

  One area that surely needs polishing is my lack of patience with things I cannot control such as my work dispatches in the fickle job of transportation with all its myriad of variables, weather, or relying on other people. I really wrestle with tolerance of stupid, and try to surrender the stressfull need of fixxing everything to follow the frame I design. Smiling, I am a work in progress.

A very specific area of great improvement in my life has been choosing to simplify.  If a person is not inspiring, loving, enriching, motivating, or encouraging?  If I am not offering those same traits to them?  Then I examine closely to see why they are on my contact list.  Life is too short to live with any abuse or disrespect of my value or time.   Also, in the Fall months, I will be culling my storage units.  If it hasn't been used in the recent months? ( this is 99% of the contents)  Pass it along to charities that could pair it with those who need it. This will reduce my resources of time, money, travel, and worry being expended on  a life that is founded in the Past.

All of the above paragraph is taking serious work for me to examine and reach a place of calm or acceptance.  Day by day, I grow in God's nurturing plan. Being blessed with abundance is a gift, filtering that  bounty through love is a privilege.

These musings bring me to Today. I am on the edge of being soul weary again.  I am the only person in charge of how I react. Therefore, I am not going to make plans with anyone to do anything on the next time off I get. I'm in position work-wise to get to my car in SoFL - - -  sometime this weekend. It's nice that people want to include me in BBQs, reunions, visiting church services, etc, but if I have to drive more than 20 minutes to arrive?  Then I am losing some of the pleasure in the gift.

Making a command decision, I informed my friends that I will not drive in my personal car  almost 500 miles roundtrip on 2 days off duty from my semi truck.  I hope everyone understands, I am grateful for the overflow of blessings.  Instead of filling my days, I hope to rest and  foster the recharging of  my batteries on my next time off, whenever that occurs.  This powerful choice releases the pressure cooker to force elements of Time and driving trucks under Dispatch that I do not have control over into conforming to my overloaded personal schedule.

 There are TWO METEOR SHOWERS pelting the summer skies right now!!!  I can easily imagine a sultry August night in the next few days, lying on the Atlantic beachline, with nothing more pressing than counting earthgrazers on my mind!   If it happens this way? Great! If it does not? The meteors are still zipping, I will continue viewing them from my current location.

I am also in need of time under God's unfathomable skies to DANCE!!!!

I'm embracing my growth into  a place of tolerance, love, peace, gratitude and renewal.   How my heart sings!

Reaching that place,
  Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Loaded Or Empty?

I am experiencing one of those days where it pays great benefits to being an optimist.  My job is technically Southeast Regional, yet I am in Ohio in a corn field, beside a bridge that's out for construction on a Saturday, with no load, no empty trailer, and no work.  The food offering is a stale vending machine and the restroom is a port-o-john.   If truth were known, I would MUCH rather be getting sun in my hair at the SoFL beaches, settling in for a great night of local talent performing music as eclectic as I am, and thinking "what to wear to church in the morning?".

Instead, I have been sent on  a wild goose chase in a 100 miles radius looking for an empty trailer.  If a place has them? They won't surrender it.  If I am sent to pick up a load? I needed to bring an empty.  At one guard shack I asked the elderly  guard if he wanted to call his supervisor before I call my company to get an override? 

Ever notice?  It is all in how you ask the question.  If you say (even on the phone), "You don't want me to give out an empty trailer, do you? "  the response will be "no, I do not."

I wonder what would happen if the guard began the call, "Hey, I have a driver down here, sent by her company, we have a few extras, do you mind if I assign her one?"

He thanked me when I walked away empty-handed for not being nasty to him, like other driver before me have been. What a funny thing to thank me for.  My reply, "Life is too short, This won't matter in 5 minutes, so why stress on the petty stuff? We are both just doing our jobs."

This left me bobtail, to drive another 60 miles to the next place there "might be" a trailer. Can you picture the scene?   I am driving a 17 feet, 10 wheel tractor instead of a 70 ft, 18 wheeled monster.  It is akin to a mudslinging 4x4 truck!

 I was free to be fully present on my meandering path through some of the very most exquisite true Americanna Ohio farmlands on a Saturday in July that one could imagine!  Red checkered picnic tables, fishing poles, hounds in pickups with antique plates, cornfields that if you are in a dip, they appear higher than the 2 story farm house.... the barn three times the size of the house. Winding trains rumble adjacent to farmlands crisscrossed by combines and hay bales.  I smile with appreciation at the motorcyclists I pass along the way.

It's not that I don't care.  It's that I am not in control of my day. And what a relief!  I am going where I am sent, and open to whatever the response is of the person in charge.  Here I am, Lord, what do you have for me today?

I have chosen to turn on a minimum of radio.  I got my ritual phone calls out of the way early.  I am soaking in every single second, literally every clean, open air breath with gratitude, love, and enjoyment of being alive and able to travel for a living. What a gift!

One other thought for today? July 30th would have been my 26th wedding anniversary.  Instead, it is the 11th anniversary of my divorce.  I am actually grateful for both occurences and feel pleasure and the blessings from each of them.  Today is simply a current day in a very full and rewarding life.

When I am asked loaded or empty? I realise they mean my trailer.  Does it have a payload of cargo, or am I getting one put on? 

When I ask myself "loaded or empty?".  The answer is a resounding LOADED to the rim with BLESSINGS and gratitude!

Enjoying central USA,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Crawl Before You Run

This past weekend God blessed me in an abundance.  At 11:26am, July 7, 2011 my youngest daughter, Alisha, gave birth to my second grandson, Terran Johnson.  They live in Pueblo, Colorado some 2,000 miles from where I park my car in South Florida.

From Alisha's high school graduation until some point of 2010 we were estranged.  There were years I did not know where she lived, how she was doing, or any communications at all.  In travelling with my job, I literally drove through her town and did not have an inkling we were within the same state.

2010 marked the beginnings of a season I named Reunion, Reconcilliation, Reconnection.  In October 2010, I was invited to fly to Colorado to meet my first grandson, Jeremiah.  He was already 7 months old at that time, and my daughter was 21 years old.

It has been said, do not judge another until you walk a mile in their shoes.  I choose not to judge at all.  I do not judge my daughter or her family.  I am learning to judge myself less.  I am blessed to be aware, to make choices, and to align myself with precious men and women of a like faith. I have assembled a list of warriors who do not judge me, rather they encourage, nurture, love and inspire me. Humbling progress in all aspects of my Journey, I am buzzing with enthusiasm with every beep of my heart.

Also, I come from a very fervent belief in God and his attributes.  It has only been in the past year, though, that I allowed the truths to extend to myself and radiate outward to others.  Things like love, gratitude, forgiveness.  I knew the words. I practiced them in a limited, case by case way.  I did not fully appreciate the literal meaning, nor did I live it in thought, word, or deed.  A lot of time has gone by, walking in a fog of pain and missed moments.  That time will not return to me, no matter how I dwell on it.  Today, however, is here and I embrace it.  Fully exploring and employing love, gratitude, and forgiveness, I choose to go ahead into the future with new optimism and creative purpose.

This recent trip to see my family in Colorado was amazing.  New births and new beginnings to be celebrated. Connecting dots with all my senses.  Exchanging hugs, sharing meals, heartwarming talks from deep within us,  my daughter and I  bonded again.


Wonderous gifts to be given, I was allowed the privilege of  dressing newborn infant Terran and wrapping him in a swaddling blanket, I placed him in his mother's arms to be nursed before going home, I was able to breathe his sweetness in during his FIRST 24 HOURS on this earth. I accompanied them in the elevator as they left the hospital and helped adjust the buckles securing his carseat for their ride home to his daddy and brother. Tender moments that only come once in a lifetime.


 Playing with 16 month old Jeremiah and enjoying his childhood developments made this NanaJ very happy and warm inside.  I think of it as going to the fuel pumps and turning the pump to *on*, setting the nozzle to run full speed, and leaving it in the tank until it clicks when capacity has been reached.  My "love tank" has received an infilling, for that I am so grateful.

Yet, I saw the new baby an estimated 4 hours, and Jeremiah perhaps 3 hours in a time period of 48 hours.  There is still progress to be made in reconcilliation with Alisha's husband.  The relationship with my daughter improves with every text, phone call, email, or visit, but it is a process that is unfolding over time and careful nurturing on all parts.

I have people in my corner that are offended by how little I was able to see my family. When you look at numbers? In black and white, the money and time resources spent to travel and visit do not have a reasonable return in the opposite column on the chart.

What is important to note? I AM BLESSED!  I AM GRATEFUL.  I SEE PROGRESS.  I EXCHANGE LOVE, GRATITUDE, AND FORGIVENESS IN A FLOW IN AND OUT OF ME.

So while I did not stay in their home, or spend full days inside of their world?  While we met at hospitals,  motels and resteraunts and had to go out to shop or hang out?  I very much consider this trip  a resounding success!  We made inroads into reconcilliation.  Alisha and I discussed potential offers for how her husband Tony and I might connect in the future.

I am asking my friends to not see this as time or money wasted. Do not be indignant on my behalf.  Celebrate progress with me.  Moments seized and enjoyed to their fullest, just as they presented themselves.

Jeremiah had to learn something important. Terran will follow in his time.  God will facilitate the future. The lesson to be gleaned here?  Is to crawl before walking.  Walk before running. 

From zero communication with this branch of my immediate family, to crawling by long distance communications, to walking long months between visits for a few hours of tank refilling, to possible future of running around for days I am very grateful and pleased to chart our progress.

For now? I am content to crawl and take tentaive steps. Every time we reach out, we let go of the edge and gain our balance, preparing for that next step. I am so blessed and so very, very grateful for this gift of opportunity.

Thank you to God for all source.  Thank you to my friends and family for support and prayers. Thank you to Alisha for sharing this chapter of life with your family. Thank you to me for working through the process and for being open to healing and new life of all kinds.

Pacing myself,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~