Not Much Of A Torrent After All

Does anybody notice when a pebble skims into the river?
 Or the dead body floating downstream?

(typing at midnight, eastern time, Sunrise, FL.  Sitting with my laptop balanced on the steering wheel of my semi truck "apartment". Windows down, chilly breeze carresseing my skin,, loving my soft thin flannel pajamas,,, some very gentle jazz,,, scents of the sprinklers and FL mixed bag aromas.... )

Just in the few minutes it took me to drive from Weston Publix to where I swap my car in Sunrise,and get back into my truck to sleep, I have run out of steam. Depressing,, I bought portions "for one"... maybe 16 oz of milk? 10 oz of meat?  Happy they have a great organic section.  Fresh bottle of Bragg's ACV,,, I also got lemon juice earlier today(drink it plain), fresh fruits, new supply of sour milk to chill and eat, I mean, yougart,,,and a few specific targetted herbal teas.... Drove by my most recent old apartment in Weston. I'm sure it has new tenants by now. I have been living in my truck since August. Thinking of my old roommate..

Now, I'm left with just disjointed fragments of the thoughts and pain I am in today.....  no one knows just how shattered and broken I am inside. I do believe it is a good place to be.. if I can just see the course,, and let God do the work he is so dilegently pursuing.

BUT OH MY GOD I HURT inside,, and with ALL MY BEING I WANT TO STOP THE PAIN...even if it means circumventing the "PROCESS" I am just so sore, and so wore out,, ,, I have literally cried all day,, from the beginning before dawn until this very minute. So  glad computer screens do not get run marks... Even in midday when I had to take the load on to Miami??? I cried then too. Most of it was weeping and anguish of deepest soul and heart.

I know why,,, I know what is up... I know what is going on.... I am just powerless to stem the tide or change the current.  I MUST ALLOW THIS SEASON ,,, for it has a lesson in it for me...but  I HURT,,, and sooo glad no one reads this.... it's the Good- Bye note no one ever finds, when the person takes their ink written notepaper and tucks it into their pocket before jumping off  a towering bridge into the frigid churning black waters below...

Several snapshots of today,,,, D,, bless her,,, imitating me.... she tried so hard,,, she only made me cry harder when she put her hand on my forehead to pray,, like i do to her.  She was at a loss,,, kinda cute, kept rubbing my back like I was one of the kids with a tummy ache,,,  kept telling me to not "blame myself" ,,,

((You gotta love Pentecostals in the altar,,, often times there's one person on each side ... one yells "HOLD ON!!"  and in the other ear one yells "TURN LOOSE"....))  done messed up that dude inside.

I always get cracked up and FRUSTRATED when well-meaning people THINK they know why I am in travail,, and say things like "stop beating your self up"  or whatever,,

STOP JUDGING ME, DAMNIT!!!!

Ever think??? Maybe my ANGUISH ISN'T EVEN ** ABOUT ME** ????

So here's precious D,, telling me we should go out to eat,, even if I have to go to work, I gotta get food first,,, she was clutching at straws,,, GOD DID NOT ENLIGHTEN HER ,,, and I could not,, ,WOULD NOT tell her any specific thing to agree in prayer with me on....  God tells me what to pray for others,,, She tried,,, and I appreciate her for it, even while wishing she would move on. She even followed me to the ladies room,, I had cried so hard I was trying not to be sick,, and well,, just   " Bless her LORD,,, Open her to the potential you have for her".Even in my own hurt, I worried she was taking my aloofness as personal rejection of her?? God I don't want to hurt another,,, but I didn't have it in me to play a role today. Forgive me?

And R A.,, with the beautiful glory of hair,,, she was worried,, she sat silent,, the best way to be at a time like I was in....  I SCARED HER TOO... she left,, when she came back she had brought me a plastic glass of cold water,,, I looked at it,, grateful,, but knew I was shaking too hard,,  I sighed i couldn't hold it,, and OMG R held the glass of water to my lips for me to drink of it,, to settle down...  I felt like a child...

I do feel that way...


I would have to say the greatest gift of all that was given in person, ,was the older lady saint, C,  (IN THE FUSCHIA TOP), she came up beside me with a "shimmy and c'mere girl" approach,,

 All i saw was a mother - figure that loves me,, and OMG she held me,, i didn't mean to cry then,,,,surely I will reach the end of this bottomless well of tears SOON??

 but I have wanted to be held ,,, i have been soo alone,, and I do not have love with my own mother,,, C held me "just right'.... and even when I pulled away,, probably 4 or 5 times,, I had no strength... and she stayed by by side,, I kept laying my head on her bosom...Wracked with fresh sobs and torments...

My thin strand of self-control was almost snapped asunder when C placed her hand on my heart and began to pray in the Holy Ghost over my heart.  She got the "closest" to the "right" need today... She asked me "who has broken your heart?"  as if she wanted the juicy gossip as if I were going to say I had been with a man or something.  She wasn't close at all then, lol.

"Nurturing" hold....  OH,,, how i wish i had that with my own mom...  a surrogate will do.. at Publix I have bought C a thank you card,,, and will leave it at the church office for her on Monday.

I know,, I believe,, I receive that a few specific people prayed for me,,, were concerned, but chose to stay apart, and pray from a distance.  They are the PERCEPTIVE ones,, the ones that GOD directs and gives the words to pray when I can not,,, not every thing has to be "laying on of hands",, although,, open to whatever God has.  Just know?? I recognize there is more of a force and that I was being prayed for. Thank you,,, And forgive me, please, I am sorry I texted so late.

I guess I fully intended to confess here in the privacy of the blog, to open up and really spill my heart,,, my guts are just pulled all out,, eviscerated, ,,but I am weary of it all... and so,, no,, I will not be telling why or what had me crying so much today...

I ccan say, I am not out of the woods yet.  I seriously hope GOD really is ALL THOSE "OMNI'S"  that we teach,, becasue I am in my truck alone and still broken.

Flat tire on my car when I got here to switch up at 10:30am and get to church,, and it was flat again when I came back after delivering in Miami  at 5:30pm this afternoon.  Added a "large car" can  size of Fix-A-Flat,,, and still had to add 20 psi of air.  I don;t have money to replace it,, and am not here on weekdays to get it done. So,, It will sit here in Sunrise seeping out all week,, and next Saturday,, for the 3rd time in a row, I will ahve to add Fix A Flat jsut to get to church.

all talked out,, got soft jazz playing,, ate a little something jsut so i could take my meds...176/ 104 ( almost low for me, lol) pulse at 92... Options of ways to lower all of the races... ok.

Today while grocery shopping in Miami Wal-Mart, I bought blank index cards, loose leaf notebook paper and folders.  I already began 2 new journals lately and was using one of them with the "exercises". Count me IN, though, so I assembled the tools suggested.

 its been a long life, I'm going to lay down.. AND PRAY i dont awaken screaming... that is getting really REALLY OLD!
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
both photos included in complete Picasa Web albums for further viewing of associated photographs.

I'm fixxing to unleash a full out torrent on here just as soon as I get to my laptop. Grateful for this quiet place!

I Am...

Speechless.



Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Where is the out in escape artistry? (the correct answer is "there isn't one").

There's No Way To Know..... We Have Taken Different Roads,,,

"I try not to think about what might have been,,,, no we'll never know "What Might Have Been"
(Little Big Town)

Seems I am becoming self-aware of a trend for myself? Weekend longings for love,, someone to share my slower, off- peak  times with. I wouldn't expect even a saint to keep up with my insane work schedule, but the more laidback Time Off periods?  Open longings.

That is just where I am. Got to trust that.

Live in this moment, for it exists. It is as real and valid as are  the euphoric times of a job well-done in my industry, or a life touched by a call or email or text... each viable.

Open to what is ahead? It's also okay to go back into Time. Brief forays into the magical creative world of "WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN?"  In this world? No one leaves. No rejections. No sickness. No depravity. No one screws around. No trips to the ER for CAT scans, or closet bruises, cuts, broken bones.

Everyone has a job and loves their day's work, then comes home and June Cleaver has fresh baked bread smelling up the whole house. The porch light is on, the kids come home, bicycles stowed for another night.

M-F, perhaps  I will  skip "Mine and So-and-So's song" because no one is here. Somebody left.  Me or them? Irrelevant.

Fri- Sat-Sun?  Lewis and I HAD  a song,,,, Isaac and I HAVE A SONG NOW,,,, even Ole and I have a few accrued over 15 years of making music together...

Angel - Alisha,,,, even young Jeremiah has a SONG  playing within me.

Certain friends? Yup, I hear an inner melody for them too..

There's one specific Denison & WHHS classmate that I mentor now.  When he calls, I may let him go to voicemail on purpose.  I love to listen to the sounds of his  laughter and smiles  seeping out of his VOICE. That too, is music to my ears.  It also gives me a chance to find out what the topic of today will be, perhaps I will stutter less when we talk on the phone?

The bump bump of the rumble strip? Is music to my ears,, it signifies guidelines and safety practices.

I live in TODAY... Got to trust in RIGHT NOW,,, LIVE IT. LOVE IT. SING IT. DANCE IT. LAUGH IT. CRY IT. FEEL EVERY NUANCE AND BREATH......

On my road, wherever it is leading me today? It is the RIGHT ROAD FOR THIS TODAY,

Trusting, making new music up as i go along,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

If we were perfect, infallible creatures? We wouldn't need grace or mercy. There's a reason it is called REDEMPTION. I screw up. But I also GET BACK UP AGAIN.

Drop Box

Alabama-isms

Annual Peanut Festival, Dothan, Alabama  It's Friday night, Y'all!

 

You know you are in Deep South (Alabama) when the billboard for a chicken wing joint says "You wanted Mo? Now theys Fo". OMG!
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Blow your horn! I wants to get funked up... loving that groove....not sleep inducing, but fun all the same."Old school-music for grown folk"


This is one tired Cracker and the FLORIDA Welcome center never looked so good!  Woo hoo!

A Toast!

Well, I broke down and indulged a craving.  It could have been a big deal, if it was a desire to get plastered, high,  or several other things.  Nah, this one is fairly innocuous ;)

My lymphs are  the size and consistency of golf balls, and they feel at least as painful as being whacked by one too. The fever is soundly in my back, encompassing my entire upright being and all extremities.

EXTREMELY THIRSTY I have opened my SECOND * GALLON* jug of water for today.  Yes, that's right.,,,

SECOND GALLON!

My kidneys work just fine, lol, soooo stopping in Ozark, AL for a pit break, I decided to submit to a craving.  Caramel and hot cocoa.   I have been wanting a cappuchino since it first snapped cold. Love almond amaretto. 

One hot cocoa won't kill me.  Not having it might, LOL... j/k.... trying to laugh when honestly it hurts to do so. LAUGHING ANYWAY  ,,, soooo much better than the alternatives!

Well, better hit the road again before I have to void some more water.  Enjoying American Public Radio broadcasts of "Performance Today" throughout Montgomery, Troy, Dothan, Alabama.  Toured our great NATION via orchestra  galas extraordiairre!

Blessed to be thirsty, and to be able to indulge once in a while :)
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

If I can be anywhere via imagination right now? With those precious to me,
camping, bonfire, blankets,,sounds of the outdoors. Something warm to drink. Loved.

It's the sudden complete stop of all forward motion that causes the bug to splatter on my windshield. Olive Branch Terminal -exhausted/pain.

Screaming 18 wheels rocking on this 2 lane mountain hwy descent at dusk! JAKES THUMPING!Almost as much fun as getting my PLAY ON my beloved San Bernardino!!Whee

Map? I Don't Need No Stinking Map

Okay,, that was said with humor and bewilderment.  It is jibing at how men won't stop and ask for directions,, but women will, supposedly because they don't know how to fold the map back on itself.

Also, I am out of my region.  I am in Springfield, MO and part of me was EXCITED to travel old, familiar roads. Today was a trip with old friends & landmarks, in new, dynamic seasons. The other part of me is wondering what am I doing here?  As a "regional" driver, I get paid less per mile than a "systems" driver,, so I am cheap labor.  That plays into the pounding ponder in my head of going OTR again.  Waiting until the Spring of course!!!  I have zero desire to get stuck in a blizzard for days with a pee cup and dry Ramen noodles.

So much is tumbling across the pallette of my mind, that I can scarcely "free-type" it fast enough.  In that arena I am "all over the map" too.  Between pen, paper, books in my hands,,,, and electronic media opening doors and windows I never knew existed???  I am a mess,,, in a good way, I think?

Raw,, OMG I am sooo raw these days.  Very up and down,,, very extremely tired of being sick in my body... and seeing the correlation of my state of mind and body is only twisting things more up in knots.

I stopped going to my "usual" doctors,,, I declare mutiny on medicines, ESPECIALLY INJECTIONS that make me sicker than they help,,, and the injections have to just wear off,,, 

Experimenting with all kinds of combinations of herbs, vitamins, supplements,  various teas and drinks,  all while still very IN NEED OF SERIOUS PAIN RELIEF!!!  The pain is the same on the inj meds or off,, but I am going CRAZY with need for relief!  I am ready to try most anything.  I have even been eating and drinking things that up until this point I disavowed.

Take ACV,,, WHY would I willingly drink something that comes out of my body as sweat etc and makes me smell like an apple flavored Easter egg???  I don't even have the dog here to blame!  LOL.

Or eat spoiled milk products ON PURPOSE???? C'mon are you kidding me?  How about tomatoes?? Do you get the same healthy benefit if you swallow it whole??? Because one of them made me gag, so I cut it in half and I REALLY hated the tomatoe giz then!! That is just SOOOOO gross!!

but,, I want to be healed in my body.

Then there's the whole "mind" thing... which is hurting, thumping btw.  I have read  & heard some things that are SOOOO FAR from my (probably) narrow,,,, limited thinking sphere????  That is just rocking my world.

Curiouser and curiouser,, I am finding that one click on the Information SuperHighway yields a HOST of OPTIONS for more,, and eventually,, you get to a place where the terms are starting to appear in each other's articles,,

I'm a big person on "CONFIRMATION" soooooo "out of the mouths of 2 or 3 (or more) let every word be established".

The challenge for me is to stay "ME" while BECOMING WHO I AM MEANT TO BE.

Whew,, State Farm ain't never gonna believe this....
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Experiencing nightmares again, I am putting off going to bed.  Just realized though, I also forgot to eat supper... so I ended up just now going into the C-store and spending $3.50 on a sandwhich that I really didn't want.  Must have food for my meds though.

The concept of screaming for release is not a new one to me.  In the early 1990's my husband and I participated in a 16 week, 4 weekend INTENSIVE Marriage Retreat situation.  One weekend we did the "Haircut" and the "Vesuvius",,, and pounded pillows with plastic bats.  I adapted that to me personally and I go to the golf driving range,, or in times of DIRE DISTRESS to the batting cages,,, SWINGING FOR THE FENCE 200 times in a row kinda unkinks my emotional knots as well.  Also,, at least once, I took an axe to a fence post,,,,

Another weekend session we "Bonded" - Taking turns in the Hotseat in the center of the circle and began to say,, then yell, then to SCREAM  "I need,, I Need,,,, I NEed..... I NEED,,, I NEEEEEDDD  " until something very PRIMAL snapped inside our gizzards and all of a sudden some STRANGER poured from our guts and we began to cry out all sorts of things...

Funny,,, it brought EVERYONE to an INTENSE BONDING *except my husband.  He held himself aloof.  He was the last to go,, and did it out of a rebellious attitiude,, and when his "cry" came out it was still controlled and accusatory to me and just tore me into a million MORE fragments than I already was....

Another session we practiced actual physical holds,, the "Nurturing" hold,, the "Bonding" hold.. and more,, I guess.  I have experienced those from Pastor Hattabaugh more in 2 1/2 years than I ever have in my entire 42 years!!!!!!!!!!!! 

But here I am tonight, dreading sleep and nightmares,,, the screaming that rocked the house this morning.  Worried that I have been screaming in my truck ,,,, or WORSE<, what if I have been screaming at people's houses?????  OOh boy!

Thinking of rudimentary meditation ideas,,, and between the TWO suggested EXERCISES (screaming or meditating) ,, I think that meditating is the one I will go with before bedtime.  I already do something along those lines that is RIGHT FOR ME... so this will just be an adaptation,, until I can learn how to do it by the book.

I have what I call a "Prayer Rug",,,, which for me,, it is a soft, plush high pile bath rug that I keep rolled up and put away.  I only bring it out SPECIFICALLY when I want to get barefoot, and SIT ON THE FLOOR of my home/truck,,,,  It provides a clean environment,, but it is also a signal to my brain and soul that I am engaging in something SPECIAL.

During times of sitting, subjecting myself etc on my Prayer Rug,, I often end up kneeling,, or VERY OFTEN completely prostrate and in UTTER SUBJECTION to the GOD that is moving me....communicating.... concentrating....

Times of being LOST in HIM,,, when I can actually RELAX and let my mind, my heart, my thoughts, my emotions,,LET IT ALL GO,,, and it even let's my body sag and go LIMP,,, sends me to another dimension.

So not sure why?? But to me,, after several exposures to "MEDITATION" through media and conversations???   It seems like it may be an extension of something I already enjoy and do regularly.

Like when "Free-Writing" was looked up, then explained by a few sources?  I am a bit put off that "Meditation" seems to be something I "already do"....  a silly pout going on here,,,,

I was hoping it would be A BIG ANSWER???? I am not discounting it,, I am just READY FOR CHANGE!!!  If you do the same things you have always done, you get the same results you have always gotten.  And those are not working for me anymore.. I NEED RELIEF and HEALING!!

ok,, closing this abruptly... I am tapped tonight. sigh....

Praying for sweet dreams for me and for you as well,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Amish country at dusk. Well now.... let's hope THEY yield to my hungry headlights. I sure don't see their candles in time to stop ;-)

Oh my!Just got blown a kiss!Can a guy be any more obvious when he's blasting past me in his vehicle, suddenly slows to match pace? LOOKING FOR A HONEY IN TUPELO

BIRMINGHAM FLAT OUT SUCKS AT 5PM.... at least in LA and Chicago etc there' s lots of lanes to dodge BLOOMING IDIOTS ON! Malfunction Junction

Home? Wherever I Hang My Keys.....

GRIDLOCK a mere 50 miles from my landing place for tonite- my parents house on the Warrior River. I'm tired, will be glad to stop fighting the road tonite. Ahh

what is playing?"

"Better Than Me" by Hinder

I think you can do much better than me
After all the lies that I made you believe
And guilt kicks in and I start to see
The edge of the bed where your nightgown used to be


I told myself I won't miss you
But I remembered what it feels like beside you
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this

You deserve much better than me


While looking through your old box of notes
I found those pictures I took that you were lookin' for
If there's one memory I don't want to lose
That time at the mall, you and me in the dressing room


I told myself I won't miss you
But I remembered what it feels like beside you


I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes


And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me


The bed I'm lying in is getting colder
Wish I never would've said it's over
And I can't pretend


I won't think about you when I'm older
'Cause we never really had our closure


This can't be the end






I really miss your hair in my face

And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this


You deserve much better than me




I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this


You deserve much better than me






And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me
And I think you should know this


You deserve much better than me






And I think you should know this


You deserve much better than me


And I think you should know this

He Made Me Smile, That Angel- unawares

Here ya go....  I woke up with a song in my heart,,, bubbling up as I whistled my way into the rest area bathrooms to freshen up....

As I came out and older gentleman waited by the door for me.  Asked me about trucking, all the usual, non-imaginative questions.

_Upon parting, he said, "Well, I wish you luck, My Lady."

If I wasn't smiling before we met? 

I AM NOW!!  =D

~J~

trying to add photo album links?

Pike's Peak Highlights from Oct. 22-25, 2010

Reunion, Reconcilliation, Reconnect

singing "Celebrate Good Times, C'mon! Let's Have a Celebration!"

Not sure how to ensure my privacy, and still share the albums?

Esp want to keep the blog "private" by invitation only....

????

Jan

I Can't Believe How Dumb Men Can Be..... (laughing)

HOW OBTUSE CAN A FELLOW BE??????? read below,,,, don't eat or drink though, you may choke!

This internet dude ,,,, we have talked 3 times on Instant Messenger,,,,

ok, Mr. GQ,,, I am "impressed" by your website shopping abilities ;)

he just requested,,, rather FERVENTLY ,, for me to  "come live in his 4 bedroom, 2 bath apartment, (with swimming pool he was quick to add!)   ,,,, he has 2 cars and a Hummer Jeep...."

all while he goes to Iraq tomorrow until December as an Army Captain,,

awwwwww poor baby!

at least he can "almost" write, spell, use words correctly. This is not the guy that called me "mature" and a "Cougar"....  I blocked him already when he wrote in IM he would sure work me over on the dance floor and beat me at anything I try to do.  He can taking a #&#%@&# LEAP OVER THE MOON!

Army boy with the 9yr old little girl, her mum died giving birth to her, is gonna ask a stranger like me to come to KS TONITE,, (got to be tonite)  and stay,, no charge, in his apartment???

AIYIYIYIIYI

This is all I attract????

PHHHLLLBBBT!!!
I said I like to dance. He grilled me, SO! You can can dance? What type of dance?? 

I asked him how many beers have we had? He said "just one".. so I said, "Well then, it must be the pee pee dance"....  Cuz he was wanting to show me up, LOL....

(((Yes, I DO dance,,, in the Everglades, in my living room in the dark, on the beach at the new moon,, etc....  I didn't say I took lessons or that I compete like Angel does in Ballroom dancing, LOL... Same as my singing!!!!  I do it to please myself and GOD... as expressions from within me.... NOT some structured mumbo jumbo....  I never was good at that,,, two left feet,,,hmmmmm  )))
He has to get with the program to follow my humor though.... his English speaking dictionary can't keep up.(I'm convinced he is an internet scam artist from the Middle East or Africa).

Now he says, "See wish you were in my home to cook, Or maybe you can't cook?"

My reply? "The dog never complained."

So I asked what he had for dinner since he didn't like it that I had Subway?   He says, "chicken and chips".  I ask if he will cook for two?  I said I will let him spoil me, let me relax and enjoy  watching  him ...

I am such a flirt,, lol... (I am TERRIBLE at it,, I'm just kidding, REALLY!)

all while fending off text messages at midnight from SoFL and the guy that has a crush on me, that JUST DOESN"T GET IT that I am not interested!!!

WHERE ARE THE "REAL MEN"????? Please, stand up!

(this IM dude DOES make me laugh,, so far.)

Chilling out to Night Jazz and Classical from some college campus. Helps me relax :)

Well, g'nite,,, I've laughed myself silly...
Jan M. Olsen
~J~