The Life Of a Fairy Tale

To see the rest, will need to scroll down, Even my petty annoyances are looming larger than life. I cant figure it out :-/

Blessed. Grateful. Bequeathed a gift.

Those are the answers to "What is the blessing?"

I'm still bound up inside. Too much so to spit it out on type or paper.  Unfortunately, I doubt myself, that I can make it rated PG 13... Right now everything from this weekend is still very BIG to me.  Out of proportion.  Inappropriate.

No longer angry, I am just hurt.  A smidgen mad at myself that I can't STAY mad long enough ,,, lol.  That may be an odd thing to say?  But, Right, Wrong, and Grey it took THREE to tango this weekend.  I'm no angel, and I was rude and out of line... but I was also run over and taken advantage of.  Mack truck-style.

I am wrong. I was wrong. I acted wrong. Just lost tonight. Of all the good that can be said of me? I am no hero, no warrior, no wonderful person in this weekend  Just clay, very marred clay.

So, this little jot will have to do temporarily.  I was going to the beach to get as close to the water as I could to meditate and pray,,, or scream and cry, ,,, or dance and spend myself, maybe all of that.


But frankly?  Being angry takes sooo much out of me.. It hurts my heart (and stomach) soooo much,,, that I am spent already. So I just drove back to my truck. Sitting in my car, parked by my truck.  I SO(!) do not want to get in that dark cave/jail cell....  For awhile at least,, I am sitting here in the cool of the evening,, trying not to give in to the tears of hurt, loss, shame, fears, and regret.
 
Angel called about the time I got to Ft. Meyers... she was too bright and casual, too bubbly and like tinkling brass.  She reminded me of the little cartoon  of the two dogs, one jumping in circles around the big dog" what are we gonna do today Spike? huh Spike? Huh Spike? huh? huh?"
 
That is one of the BLESSINGS is that both Angel and I are very forgiving souls. As for Aaron?  FLASH OF ANGER - I don't give a John Brown's Horse... hmmmm
 
But ,,, too near tears to stay on the fake side with Angel,, I just let her ramble in her nervous way.... and when travelling cell phone signal crackled, I was grateful to close the call.
 
I had looked so forward to seeing her.  I always carry months of "DID YOU SEE THATs??!?!" in my duffle bag,, collect music, scraps of paper, photos...  I am such a damned puppy dog, so eager to see Angel... or Alisha... or even my parents...
 
Either I am too intense? Or they just don't give a damn?  It is certainly one sided.
 
THIS WAS THE FIRST TIME TO BE SO WITH ANGEL THOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!  She was my "STEADY" one,,,  Alisha is like me, passionate and on fire for life.  Angel was always the Rock of Gibralter.
 
I know, parents can't say they have favorite children.  And I do not say that now.  I do have distinctly different relationships with each of them as individual people.
 
Here's what I mean.
 
  Angel and I are very close spiritually. Traditionally. The slow, thoughtful, loving, careful side of our affections.  Very symbolic and holds on to "things" such as photos, gifts, knick knacks. Both Complacents.  Very much intellectual nerds and introverts. Very deep thinkers. Intercessors. Forgiving. Givers.  We give and receive love very similarly through touch and affection. Through word. We are both door mats and often overlooked and fairly content to be the soldier in the infantry, holding up the leadership round us. Servants. Musically gifted and our MAIN method of self-expression. Writers. Readers. Desire roots and foundations. The calm ember that just keeps the eternal flame.
 
Alisha and I both question EVERYTHING! We are very on fire and if the wood is wet, we can ignite it soon enough by nurturing the slightest flame.  EXTREMELY passionate, we FLASH from one end of the spectrum to the next. Shaking and baking!!  BIG DREAMERS!  Intellectual chess partners. We use music and dance to BLAST our way in an out of our emotions and desires. Athletic, driven to succeed.  Our affection is being close enough to touch, but content to have a visual line on our partner.  Spontaneous, methodical, practical and inventive, McGyver. Creative and always looking for the next excitement. Also readers and writers. Very outspoken in our physical releases, both what we say and don't say. Very likely to pop out with what's on our mind and sort it out later. Alisha is the Fun and the Light in my world ( when she was home as my girl). Lifeforce, glow, bounce, sparkle, excitement.
/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

One thing that torqued me even as I went down there was all the running they needed me to do for them, but Angel & Aaron are BOTH PROCRASTINATORS... it's good they married each other!   They collectively don't give a damn about who they inconvenience or hold up ,,,For instance, They would tell me "we need to leave by 9:30am to get to church by 10am",,,, I am at the door, keys in hand by 09:25am,,, Angel FINALLY puts her shoes on at 09:45m!!!  When I wanted to stop and get a bottle of water to take meds with??? They huff and puff we are running late.  Well WHO THE HECK RAN LATE DO YOU SUPPOSE?????

 That's just ONE example of an entire weekend of rubbing the wrong way!

Angel and I had specific matching rings.... she has taken hers off. She didnt have the balls to tell me ahead of time.  I found out last night, after the Induction Ceremony as we took photos outside, I reached around her, AS I ALWAYS DO, to take her hand and lace fingers, AS I ALWAYS DO, and the ring was missing.  She curled her fingers away,, letting me know it was for real.
 
I asked, calmly at first, did she take it off and just forget to put it back on?
 
Took her until today to get around to telling me the truth.  And the truth was not anything I wanted to hear.
 
And , abruptly, I know, the ring thing means more to me than OBVIOUSLY it does to anyone else,, soooo forget it,, moving on... I will have to work that out in my own head and heart.
 
AND GIVE UP AGAIN.
 
so anyway, goodnight,, this day has got to end soon. back to work, driving, when i drove all weekend.. so here we go,, off to the races,, when i never stopped running.
 
footnote: I did not tell, admit, confess whatever to Angel what I have been dealing with in my illness. I wanted to .  But just didn't get the vibe that it was the right time,, or that she is much intersted in anyone besides herself. (just a phase,, gotta believe it is just a phase,, )
 
hoping she is just going through something and is pulling in her wings to garner her reserve survival resources???
 
i can understand THAT...
 
Love her through it,, see her on the other end.
 
If i dont screw it all up by being a total jerk first...
 
But, I didnt even take my usual 15-20 pills regimen while there,, I really tried to keep how sick I am, how in pain my body is,, on the down low.
 
No worries there... she didnt know I was around.
JMO
CREED LYRICS

"A Thousand Faces"
I stand surrounded by the walls that once confined me
Knowing I'll be underneath them
When they crumble when they fall
With clarity my scars remind me
Ash still simmers just under my skin


Indifference smiles again
So much I hide
How is stepping back a move forward?
Now I'm forced to look behind
I'm forced to look at you


You wear a thousand faces
Tell me, tell which is you
Broken mirrors paint the floor
Why can't you see the truth
You wear a thousand faces
Tell me, tell me which is you
Tell me which is you


Eerily time made no change
Pointing fingers, laying blame
Lying over and over and over and over
Deceiving your mind
Dug my grave...Trash my name


Yet here I stand so you won't fade away
Indifference smiles again
So much I hide
How is stepping back a move forward
Now I'm forced to look behind
I'm forced to look at you






You wear a thousand faces
Tell me, tell which is you
Broken mirrors paint the floor
Why can't you see the truth
You wear a thousand faces
Tell me, tell me which is you
Tell me which is you






I bleed inside


Just let it out
I bleed inside
I'm gonna let it out
Let it die
Now I'm forced to look behind
I'm forced to look at you


You wear a thousand faces
Tell me, tell which is you
Broken mirrors paint the floor
Why can't you tell the truth


You wear a thousand faces
Tell me, tell me which is you
Tell me which is you
Tell me
Tell me
Tell me


You wear a thousand faces
Tell me which is you
Tell me which is you

Word of advice from experience: Don't look into the cold can of soup or pork-n-beans. Just eat in the dark.That white floaty stuff is yuckO.

We Have A Plan :-)

WOW!!  I can begin to take a deep breath or three of relief!!  FINALLY goodness, gracious, we have a semblance of order and a Plan of Action!!! Just when I thought I needed an Alka Seltzer and Valium!!!

It is rough when a List Maker is in relationship with a Procrastinator!!!!   I may have lists telling me to look at my other list???? Slightly disorganized?   The polar opposite is a slug of a procrastinator that just ambles along, if Life happens it happens, eventually!!   I am a Shaking and Baking kind of person! Let's MAKE IT HAPPEN, FOLKS.... Angel is ... okay,,,, it will get done later, maybe.

URGH!!!

The trucking industry with its Feast or Famine method is always on my last nerve.  I like to have a plan, backing, up the plan I am already on.  One of the hardest lessons in trucking was "TRUCKING HAPPENS"  which translates to don't make doctor or dentist appointments, court dates, or plan to attend Life events such as weddings, baby arrivals, funerals etc. 

I have known for  a month the date of Angel's induction ceremony.  For this whole  month now, in my mind, I was off duty on Friday, drive the 250 miles across desolate Alligator Alley in my car to Tampa, spend time with the kids, attend the ceremony, go to Sunday church with them, then drive 250 back to SoFL so I can go to work driving my semi truck.  There is not much room for variation or delay in this PLAN which makes PERFECTLY GOOD SENSE to "ME".

Enter my job and Angel's schedule. Now that she is married?? Add Aaron's work schedule. (growl).  Then add that it is December, the slap craziest scheduling time of the year!!!! Did I mention it is end of semester, Finals, and all the assignments and deadlines are due???

Then Monday, maybe Tuesday,,, just 3 days before the PLANNED AHEAD VISIT, Angel comes up with, "Well, we haven't had time to clean the house. You need to get a motel room instead of staying here."  WTH!!!  OH!! And she also has 18 HOURS (!!!!) of Clinical Observations and reports to knock out!!!!!!!!!!!!   WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?

YES, I am almost in utter freaking out meltdown mode!!!!  

Somehow, it also became important to them that Aaron join us on our visit and they decided it would be a great thing if I drive them to a movie theatre so we can spend 2-3 hours of our visit sitting UNABLE TO TALK in the newest Harry Potter movie.. and "Oh won't it be so bonding spending "quality" time together as a family, Mom?"

HELL NO!!!   Movies as dates or Family Time is SUCH an oxyMORON because all the hours of driving, ticket buying, waiting in multiple lines, and sitting during the show are flushed down the toilet, when people could be having meaningful conversations, walking, talking, visiting together.  I am grumpy about this part of it too!

So what did I do??? Angel has 8 hours of Observation on FRIDAY "OUR" day together... she wont get free until 4:30pm. Now it is FRIDAY Tampa 5pm traffic!! They want the 7pm movie showing across town from their apartment!

 My work, actually DID get me off duty at midnight tonight.  I am declaring MUTINY!!! I am NOT, absolutely NOT driving to Tampa to sit in the parking lot of her apartment, or worse with Numb Nuts while she is at her thing across town!! NOT HAPPENING!!!  

I have decided to "be good to me"... I am taking the 9am-11am *Kundalini Class(see below) at the Yoga Connection.  THEN and ONLY THEN will I shower up and drive 5-6 hours to see my kid!

This is probably our "holiday" visit.  Last year??? I FLEW Angel from Tampa to Ft. Lauderdale and rented a hotel for a weekly rate!!!  It was worth the money to me to buy TIME to just BE with her!!!  She had the nerve then to lament that "vacation to me is not doing anything, you plan all our moments." (even plan in time to just NOT do anything, lol)

WHO DA PLANNER NOW, Kiddo????

After this?  I will need to go back to work to get Time Off.  To be fair, same goes for Angel with her school schedule.  And Aaron works retail, so December is feasting hours for him too.

"Mom, can you stop by the storage shed and pick up some of my books to bring to me?"

NO!! OVER THE TOP!!! OVERLOAD!!! BEEP BEEP BEEP!!! WARNING!!! RED LIGHT WARNING!!! MOM IS TOAST!!!!  BAck up!!! She's gonna BLOW!!!!

@#$(*&>?%&

sigh,,, "the most wonderful time of the year,,,,"

indeed  :-)

Jan M. Olsen
~J~

* KUNDALINI YOGA

Known as the mother of all yoga, Kundalini yoga combines postures, breathing techniques and meditation. Kundalini is a less physical form of yoga, which focuses on balancing one's spiritual anatomy so that the student can experience deeper levels of meditation. This very powerful technology has lasting effects that stay with the students helping them to feel a true sense of calm making them happier and more peaceful in their day to day lives. Julie's teaching style keeps its roots in India and is true to the method passed down by Yogi Bhajan.

Another Try

Well, the title does not really refer to my cold and stiff fingers on typing. LOL. Although, the backspace key is getting quite a workout. Slow going tonight.

Reading a book authored by a friend, I was challenged to look at childhood passions, current passions etc.   I will be writing those down as an exercise. There are a few childhood passions that even as I read that section of the book, with no pen or paper handy, I formed a bullet quick list!  A fewer in the current category.

One thing I can not really say in truth is that I ever had a plan for my life.  I did not allow myself to grow and mature to a place of calculated learning and forward movement.  Although, I had passions?  I never was a child. From earliest recollection I was wife and mother to my dad & brother. Fill in the blanks.

It's in the Past now, but as a youth, I once was a wife, and then a mother of two high achieving young women. Life had a way of carrying me along. Sometimes I was on top of the log, sometimes dangling below it, bobbing for air. Sometimes in front of it, fending it off of me so I could swim for dear life.

So, I never had a chance to think who or what or how I would like my personal "LOVE relationships" to be.  That's where the title to this post comes in.  Josh Turner's song "Another Try" says, "The reasons I'm alone I know by heart. I don't want to spend forever in the dark. I swear next I'll hang on for dear life. If LOVE ever gives me Another Try."

I have that on my MP3 player, and I turn it up when it comes on.  I think part of that is I am a sucker for deep, bass voices. Also, the pensive croon to the words. 

Lately though, as I read "Positive and Encouraging Words" in people's blogs, website, social networking, emails etc, I am chastened a bit.  So tonight when I hear the familiar lyrics, it raised a question in me.

"What do you mean, 'I'll hang on for dear life'"?   Part of where I am today in my Journey with myself is "BUMP THAT!!!  I am taking no prisoners.  If someone WANTS to be with me, then fine. If not, See Ya!"

Inside though?? I wonder? Which would it be?  I know another song by Blake Shelton says "She was all over me. And I used to let it get all over me.  WHat I wouldn't give to have her back again, now that she's all over me."

Ole  - I was young, he chose me for that reason. He actually likes them young. Hmm.. but he wanted me to (his words) "make him the center of my world".  He was so afraid that he couldn't be loved for who he is, that he had to INSIST I love him, submit to him, serve him.  He was determined to be the center. He was the one who was ALL OVER ME.... and was heavy and hot and pushy about it. 

I grew quickly to loathe his touch.  It wasn't given lovingly, it was control.  Then it was fear. Then it was just plain old disgust.

With Lewis, I did not connect with him instantly.  I liked him, but wasn't attracted and we were not physical for a good while.  However, he emotionally loved me, almost immediately.  He sought me, he wooed me, he waited for me. 

By the time I was realizing I was loving my best friend more and more and more every day? He was very present and available and we were the bestest of buds and of friends.  We told each other EVERYTHING!  We went everywhere, spent time as a family and as a couple. Slowly, without me thinking too much about it? We held hands, we touched completely down our sides on the porch swing for hours. We sat back to back, skin to skin on the island on Lake Harris and jsut leaned on each other and talked for hours, days, weeks.

He said the scary words, "I Love You",  before I did,, but I felt it too.  It took me awhile, but by the time I could say it?  We were in each other's heads, hearts, souls, sleep, dreams, minds,,,, Lewis and my girls,, it was a family thing.

It came down to marry or not... buy a house and be unmarried? No. Cars, boats, bikes, etc ,,, but a house?? No...

In this relationship, turns out I was the insatiable one.  He showed me love and respect and I blossomed... by the end??  LOL... I was "all over him" and he let it get all over him.  Wry chuckle here.

Every time we got to a milestone? He would flip out and need "space".  By the time we got there?? I had weighed my decisions and was ready to move to the next level.  But that man kept "needing space" after loving me so patiently to join him. 

At the end? When I wouldn't marry him after his 2 requests? And it was time to go our own ways?  I cried, asking him to stay.  He left anyway. 

I know it was the best.  Now I do.  At the time?  Even now?  It hurts. We began to date once he moved out.  For almost 6 months, we went back to inseparable FRIENDS and buds,,,, until he met someone new.

That was always the deal, "Take the space you need.  We will be here when you get back. But, Lewis, if you are with another woman? DON'T COME BACK."  That is how it ended up playing out.

These two relationships of Ole and Lewis are the only two that had any possibility to them.

 My fitness trainer and Jay J?  These two were curiousity flings, They were me letting go of the strict holds I had on myself to raise my girls and to be "good". They were BAD BOYS and I was confused. I take FULL  responsibilty for my actions and for reaping what I sowed.

Isaac?  I will never be the  majestic eagle he is.  I am just an ugly brown wren.  In all ways. Physically, intelectually, spiritually, emotionally,,,, he is just always so far above me, so classy, and it would be wrong to saddle him with me.  Neither of us give in to our temptations to go further at the same time. LOL... so,, it just goes on and on being NOTHING.

Back to the title.  "Another Try"  ... if love ever gives me another try?

Hold on for dear life?  Hmmm who is holding on to me? Or seeking me?

Would I follow old destructive patterns? Of too much or too little?

When do I just get to live out my passions, my purposes and do great good for others,, and as I live that fulfilment of my dreams?  Will I  live loved and cherished? Or just some freak of an island with a "heart of gold."?

I don't want prisoners,, nor do I want to be one.  I want .....

World Peace and a Cure For World Hunger.

hmmmmm..... 

well, this was a waste of time.
jan m olsen
~J~

Yoga Class #2 This Past Sunday "Hot Yoga Groove"

HOT YOGA


HOT YOGA classes at Yoga Connection are an eclectic blend of Yoga styles combining the vast knowledge, experience and personalities of our amazing staff of Yoga Connection expert instructors. All Hot Yoga classes will be taught in our state of the art heated Yoga studio, and with great detail breaking down the mechanics of all postures.

Attended the Sunday PM “Hot Yoga Groove” class.
This letter is much shorter. I purchased the 10 week package for $160. It makes each class $16 plus a free one. So 11 total. I paid $18 for the morning class.

The Hot Yoga Groove was faster paced. Although, Savanah took time with me and a few other new people to physically touch us to adjust and align us??? She moved very rapidly from one thing to the next.

I was right to think I should get used to the positions, the breathing, the methods, the physical parts of it all before I add the heated sauna part. It felt great and did provide a deeper release, but it was a bit much as out of shape as I am.

As before, I was the only fat person. Everyone else, male/female, new/experienced. young/old, differing ethnicities, they were all slender and in shape. Sigh...

I know I didn't get this way in a day, or wasn't born this way. It will take time and a process to undo the damage I have exacted on my body through neglect, misuse, injury, and abuse.

Savanah is young (mid 20”s). The music was kind of Enigma or Enya style, still not what I hoped for “work out music”. All it did was set the pace higher, faster for the Yoga poses themselves. Very advanced stretches.

I struggled with the heat factor, and thought a few times I would actually throw up, ugh.

I TRIUMPHED BY NOT GETTING SICK AND BY NOT LEAVING THE ROOM THOUGH!! Even Savanah remarked she was surprised I stayed the entire 90 minutes, struggling even as I did. I did the work as best I could, allowing for newness, previous class and the foreign soreness in newly challenged muscles (LOL), the heat, etc.

A COURSE IN MIRACLES!!! Savanah read from their workbook 5-10 times, including during the meditative section of time at the end of class!! She often read it to us as we held or moved through stretches (I know there's a word for the that “FLOW” but don't know what it is???)

She also did that whole shaking her hands thing to flick off bad energy that Rilla did when she massaged me. IT is cracking me up how a month ago I didnt hear of ANY OF THIS and also only just told you about Rilla's holistic movements... and to be just inundated with it now is a lot of confirmation and establishing in my SPIRITUAL walk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hope I am doing okay and not in any harm??? Whew,,, a lot of TRUST going on here! Just because I am questioning??? I am not rejecting, obviously,,, since I am still going forward into new realms of Possibility.

That's all for Class #2. I may not go back right away. Let me get a firm basic foundation first.

Also, only baby steps in ACIM for me. It is tormenting me spiritually.

It was too late to shower and go to church at POCC. I was pretty OVERLOADED and OVERWHELMED by now anyway. Not sure I could allow more into me??

So I drove to the ocean, parked at the hotel where I stayed for Thanksgiving,, and went onto the deserted beach. It was raining, but I figured, I was already wringing wet anyway, and the sand is always invasive. I planned to shower at the beach before going back to my truck.

For an hour and half,, I sat just 10 feet from the water,,, heavy clouds, sporadic rain, no moon, lots of stars and watched the cruise ships go out. I cried ALOT!!!!!

I prayed some,, I sat there, stretched, then in a hugging pose, and rocked back and forth for an interminable amount of time,,, tears streaming,, until, the SPIRIT took over and I began to pray in tongues. I lost all sense of time then.

If anyone passed me, it would seem like I was chanting. After all else I have been doing? That isn't so odd to me anymore to think of it that way.

God released me,, and I sat, spent cold and wet on the sands until I just wearily got up. Too tired to shower, I just sat on a towel and went back to my truck, changed clothes and went to bed.

Here I am today.... processing :-)

Was going to take the special workshop this coming Sunday with the Power Flow and LIVE SACRED MUSIC,, but they have called to cancel. That's okay,, I'm overwhelmed now anyway.(see below,, it will still be on my list of things to do once they offer it again. By then, I will have conquered my issues).

Jan M. Olsen
~J~
LIVE SACRED MUSIC POWER FLOW *(very interested)

Exclusive to Yoga Connection in the West Broward area, this popular program features our very own Barbara Sloan and Worldbeat Musician Richard Brookens in a Power Flow class to live sacred music. Richard performs with Bamboo Flutes (from India and China), Native American Indian Flutes, Tablas (drums from India), Udus (clay pots from Africa), and a alineseGong, along with ambient tracks from his original CD's - all combined with a challenging Asana flow utilizing breath, body, voice, sound, mantra, mind and spirit for a total Yoga experience of pure meditation in motion. Instruction and adjustment will be provided so all levels are welcome. This unique program will be offered at Yoga Connection on a monthly/bimonthly basis, so make sure to check our Events Page for dates and times, and join in the newest and most exciting yoga experience in South Florida!

Yoga Class #1 "SIVANANDA YOGA " This Past Sunday

SIVANANDA YOGA

SIVANANDA YOGA offers a meditative approach through a series of Asanas, Pranyama (breathing), Meditation and Deep Relaxation, working systematically on the body, stretching and relaxing muscles, joints and ligaments, creating a more flexible spine and improving circulation. Sivananda Yoga is one of the most classic forms of Yoga created in 1935 in India by its founder doctor Sri Swami Sivananda who encouraged all students to embrace a healthy lifestyle by combining the following five basic principles of the ancient wisdom of Yoga: proper diet, positive thinking and meditation, relaxation, breathing and Asanas.

I chose this class by reading the offerings in the time slots. I went to the studio, explained I was first time and asked recommendations. It makes sense to build up with basics and to do so in the regular studio. Get used to Yoga in general then add the HEAT factor as an advanced maneuver.

I had taken classes in 2006, at the Wellness Center in Leesburg. At that time in my life though, I was also involved with my fitness trainer, and the core group of us that worked out 4-6 hours a day with weights, cardio, dancing, swimming, both as group and individuals played too hard to slow down for this type of exercise, lol. Even our weight lifting was done to vibrant Classic Rock!! Good times!!!

Therefore, I went at Yoga from a fresh frame of mind. My health is VERY different now. My lifestyle is very sedentary, unguided and unhealthy. My mental, emotional, spiritual state is currently very open and very much seeking.

The description sounds like a good introduction. With the right guidance, I can be exposed to many new things and take them in at my own pace.

A big note here: * I did NOT disclose my illness to the Yoga Connection at all! In Class #2 she asked if I had any injuries she needed to be aware of? The answer is “no”. All of my injuries are old, and incorporated into who I am now. My illness does not transfer and I did not want to take it easy because of it. I am hoping to open my mind, body, spirit up and let the disease GO FORTH and leave me entirely, so I am NOT WILLING to give it voice or credence now.

CLASS: The instructor, Angela, is 84 years old. She has been Yoga instructor 45 years! She is almost completely deaf (2 hearing aids), but her speaking voice is extra soft and measured, with a hint of a Spanish lilt to it. I loved her and bonded spiritually with her instantly!!

It is important to note that I spent ALL of my life, my ENTIRE life *HIDING the “sounds” of my breath. Purely in self-defense, from a toddler on, I learned to hide my breathing. Pretend to be asleep. Pretend to be okay with my surroundings. Throughout my life, if I made noise, even as simple as inhale, exhale? I was discovered. That would cause me to be beaten. Raped. Sexually assaulted. Or forced against my will to do any number of things. From a child to just last year 2009, this was a reality in my life. Play possum.

Let me say that the downloaded materials I have on Guided Meditation and things I have read in a variety of books regarding “breath” have been very difficult for me to process. When told to “pay attention to the sounds of your breath” I noticed I was still clenching to subdue the “SOUND”. I honestly hope Yoga, meditation, prayers, etc will give me release and peace from this and heal my fears now that I no longer have to fear for my safety??

So in class,, things like “FIRE Breathing”, even forced exhale caused great physiological pain and response to me. I worked very hard to not give into hysteria that bubbled to my fore.

This hindered some of my ability to RELAX and to fully EXPERIENCE the Yoga and meditation.

HOWEVER, I did NOT run out of the room, or submit to any of my fearful reactions. Just by staying and facing my fears I TRIUMPHED.

We stretched and posed about 15 minutes or so. The lights dim, the music was a steady OHM, maybe 12 WOMEN (important note there) in the room. Angela had asked me to be in front near her to watch each other. She suggested I keep my eyes open. Here we are, 15 minutes in and without breaking stride, Angela says, “We haven't begun the Yoga yet”. OMW! All of us got a muted chuckle out of that one!! Everything was spoken and done reverently. I was sensitive to and appreciate the spiritual release and openness in the studio and participants.

Angela is a “toucher”. Which is cool by me. I am very affectionate- both appreciate giving and receiving touch. It was a bit of an adjustment of my safety response and attitude, though, to be allowing of a stranger to touch me when I was stretched into some very vulnerable and open positions. It felt a lot like when you streeeeetch your arms to yawn and someone gooses you in the ribs??? You get a startle reflex. Just saying. But again, I didn't let it show, at least not that I know of :) She corrected my position, posture, pushed my stretch as she's supposed to do.

I was the only fat person in the entire studio all day. The women in class #1 were all very skinny, and very experienced/flexible. Several of them seemed unhealthy skinny,, like their skin hung in wrinkles and flapped. They were friendly but shallow. Yuppy.

Made me feel like crying. But I didn't. I didn't understand that at all? Even though I read it.

One time in her touching me to align my posture or pose, she remarked under her breath “oh, she is so HOT”. So, even without me telling her I am sick, she noticed the fever. She also told me at least twice to plan on a hot bath, “or you won't be able to move tomorrow”. LOL.

The classes are 90 minutes. No clock. I was imitating others in the room. At some point, everyone familiar with the routine Angela has, lay on their backs, and some put their hand towels over their eyes. Angela dimmed the lights even further. I did not think it possible, but her voice modulated even more soft, and mystic. SO!!! This was a HIGHLIGHT I had HOPED and been waiting for!!! She WAS going to do a meditation as part of the class!! YES!!!

I was all for this!!! And it went GREAT! It was a combination of all I had read, heard on audio, and tried in my own stumbling, seeking way. To do it with a room full of people, believers?? All tuning in?? was like a dream coming true!! I was EXCITED!!

*BUT!,,, I noted earlier there were only females in the class??? This became very HUGE issue right now! If you have never been hurt by another?? You may not be able to relate to what I type next. AS much as I WANTED to relax and participate in the MEDITATION????

It was very SCARY!!! All of a sudden,, the sounds of breathing, every rustle was exaggerated. Do you have even an INKLING of the EXTREME TRUST to allow myself to not only close my eyes, but to COVER my face???? To lay flat out,, hands to my side,, all the things I YEARN to do in my truck (it's one thing I LOVE about the altars at POCC... laying prostrate).

To trust 13 strangers in a dark, quiet spiritually- charged room????

My body's response was hysteria and nausea. It is SUPREME SELF-WILL to continue to lie there. I could hear Angela padding about in the room,,, follow her voice as she “guided” the meditation. But, I am revealing to you right now: I also “felt” pressure on my biceps, my vulnerable arms, pinning me to the ground as if by a man. At one point, I FELT Joe's knee in my sternum as the pressure pushed and pushed until my bone broke.

How terrifying!!!

BUT!!!!!!!! I did not get up,, I didn't even move the towel and open my eyes or look around. I FORCED myself to lay there. To feel all of these things. To experience and BE THERE with them.

AND LET THEM GO!

I focused on my breathing, and on Angela. She actually stopped walking or speaking for awhile,, and that was a new level of scary as my Mind Monster is screaming “WHERE IS SHE? IS IT SAFE?”

Very frustrated at myself that something I looked forward to for weeks, finally arrives as an unexpected gift, and I disappointed MYSELF with my fears, tension, and responses.

The only positive here is that I didn't quit or leave or give in to the madness. I take VICTORY and solace from that.

In the Yoga she did “Fire Breathing” and also right before the meditation part she led us through inhale one nostril, exhale through the other, then switch by using our finger to close one side,, and then also to alternate nostrils with out holding one side closed. Angela offered to teach me one on one outside the studio after class. So we did. She spent an extra 15 min or so with me. Very nice of her to do. As I said, there is a bond and natural spiritual connection between us.
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Okay, this concludes class #1. They have showers there. I cleaned up, got dressed up, and drove to POCC after all. I got into service just as they were calling people to come to the front that want prayer. So I missed Sunday school and all the praise singing of AM service.


Usually, it is customary, if someone wants to be anointed with oil and prayed over by the laying on of hands by the ministry? When he reads the Prayer Request list, he invites anyone who desires to come to the front.

I was in the 2nd pew from the front, NOT in line. I saw the Israeli minister when she picked up the oil vial, and moved off the platform. I somehow knew she was heading to me. Although, that is out of context.

Sure enough, she comes out of line to me directly. I go ahead and surrender, raising my hands. As conflicted right now as I am spiritually??

If God is choosing to speak to me through this Prophetess or by anointing? I am receiving.

After anointing my forehead with oil, she began to speak to my emotions, “Even as she bites it back now, Lord” (I was biting the inside of my cheek to not break down and cry).

“LORD this sadness in her Spirit I command it to be released and ask you to speak to her to guide her...”

I'm not sure what all else she said.. I got hung up there... although,, was unable to “break through”.

Kinda of odd, I guess if someone is unfamiliar with the Pentecostal or Apostolic way of ministering?? I submitted to her Authority as to KINGDOM AUTHORITY,, because I recognize it. It is much the same as when God moves on me to lay hands on another person and gives me Word Of Knowledge, Word of Healing, Word of Discernment etc.....

I am not sure if anything moved in heaven and earth on my behalf?? But given where I am??

I accept God's SOVEREIGN rule in my life and submit to HIM fully.

Okay, this ends this letter.
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

While the Frosty in me looooves my sleeping area North Pole cold?That's so I can enjoy burrowing & snuggling into bunk& sleeping bag. The inital slide in? BRRrr

Tapping into Audible.com new account. Through a dream had a HUGE spiritual revelation,just got confirmation.So adding a book I need refreshed

Snoozing to Ave Maria might not be the wisest idea. Not if I am driving this rig up and over in drizzly, grey, sleepy SoFL. Momma's got her napping mind on :)

Ending my THANKS-LIVING day celebration with a 5 mile walk around this area where my truck is parked. A true GOD day and night. Thankful for my "family". Loved.

I wish you could see what I see. Hear what I hear. Visualize what I visualize. Think about them as I do.It makes me cry in beauty and peace.

Wish you were here.Wish you could see this place.The weather's nice,it's Paradise,it's Summer-time all year..I miss you so.Wish u were here

I think the ocean sands must be alot like a Sleep Number bed? Wriggle and get it just so under your contours. It settles as you do. Nice :)

I'm such a lightweight these days..... I will be in bed by 10pm. So much for all night Mickey Mouse Club Beach parties...I'm an old fuddy duddy now =(

It's THAT Time of Year Again

Here we are! The year TwentyTen is fast drawing to a close.  I don't make specific New Years Resolutions.  If I find a trait to adapt, chances are it won't wait until January 1st on NEXT YEAR'S calendar.   Life is such  a Process of Give and Take. Truly Beautiful when you think of it. You can't admit to being tired of something in your life, without also deciding to improve on it. All year long :)

During my married years, we played the in-laws game. We tried vainly to please this set or that set. All while establishing traditions for our own 4 members. Soldiers, church, jobs....When we got divorced in 2000, now we have to add Dad's house, My House, all the Grands, and any blended familes as well.  What was a JOYous season, became incredibly frustrating, chaotic, never satisfying ANYONE, and often it called to notice just how PAINFUL divorce is on the partners AND the children involved.

Especially in the first years, it was easier and kinder to just tell my junior high and senior high school-age girls to go stay with their Dad. He was lonely all the time. Visitation schedules SUCK!!! He is a limp weenie, but  I am resilient. I was also overwhelmed with rejection, loss of the ideal of "Till Death Do Us Part", strapped financially, working overtime, then a second, then a third job.

So it became a gift to me to go out on the lake alone before daylight,,, just me and my little boat, maybe Addy.  At the time I was quite jaded and sniffed "If I'm gonna be alone anyways, I may as well not sit at the house to do it." Thanksgiving and Christmas became JUST ANOTHER SET OF PAINFUL DAYS TO SURVIVE.

Then with Lewis, and how we all four loved one another, we built new traditions!  More than a meal, it was our thing to go to a specific movie on Christmas Day as a unit  we saw ALL THREE  of the "Lord Of The Rings" Trilogy in theatres, on CHRISTMAS DAY as part of "our" bond!!!

Then,, after 2 1/2 marvelous years,  he left too,,, and the girls and I each cut adrift, separating from each other emotionally in our OWN  raging seas of pain, loss, lack of faith....  that was a DECIDING STRAW to break the camel's back.  Holidays can take a FLYING LEAP AT THE MOON!!!

This year, Fall of 2010 has been an awakening!!!  First, seeds of forgiveness sprouted.  Then came Reunion and Union. The family GREW by adding Aaron to Angel's life, and my grandson, Jeremiah to Alisha & Tony's lives. Next, Reconcillation began to bud and prosper. Alisha began to contact first one, then awhile later, another,, then another of her extended family after several years of cold separation! 

This past year I EXPERIENCED LOVE FIRST-HAND with Pastor Hattabaugh and the Pentecostals of Cooper City.

 As LOVE  was so patiently demonstrated, and as people literally HELD ME until the fear and trembling in me subsided, I began to BELIEVE again,,, in LIFE,, in LOVE... in HOPE.... in my Song - Laughter, Singing, Dancing..... in a Future where it is safe to dream, to be loved, and to love in return.

FULL MEASURE.... still working on that one myself... not holding back, in Limbic Flight or Fight.

Today and tomorrow marks several HUGE FIRSTS!

• Angel and Aaron's first Thanksgiving as a married couple.  They are taking the day to just BE TOGETHER and go out to a nice dinner somewhere as a treat to themselves.
• Alisha, Tony, and Jeremiah have made friends in Colorado, and religious preferences are being put aside. They are going to their friends' house for Thanksgiving meal.
• My brood is settled :)   Jan, is now free to let herself have good things in her life.  I have realized that work will still be here on Friday.  I am celebrating Thanksgiving with beloved church families in SoFL.

Also, when Lewis left us, my long-time counsellor and love/ friend, Dr. Isaac B. Deas told me there were two things he did not want to see me become. Bitter and a workaholic.  I promptly became BOTH. Sigh... well, I never got hard core bitter...  Somehow,, no matter many times i get pummelled into the dust by Life, I roll back to my feet with that goofy "hit me again, that didn't hurt" grin on my face.

Jaded? Yeah. Workaholic? Oops... guilty.

So, Jan is STILL working on that last one!!!  GRIN!!!!  If I work my guts out, I am too tired to care (yeah I know,, it didn't quite work out that way, did it???),, and I earn stupid good money that I can just GIVE away because it DOESN'T buy health, happiness, relationship, connection etc....

As this "whatever it is fever" has socked me for so long?? I am ready to give up....  but can't stop working. I don't know how :-(

For me to even consider holiday time off ??? Is HUGE -BOMBASTIC - MONUMENTAL-
 OF EPIC PROPORTIONS!!!

But when I received at least TEN Facebook and POCC invitations, I got to thinking, I can still help drivers get home. I can do it locally. I can still end up off-duty at the same time everyone else is. Usually, the loads are timed to force the drivers to shut down for safety wherever they happen to land.

WHY NOT NEAR MY CHURCH FAMILY AND  PERSONAL CAR?????

Then,, to get a motel room, second time in a week???  CRAZY OPULENCE AND WASTE OF money resources on me,,,, but,, the real bed DID feel SOOOOO GOOD!!!

Again, why not???  I hear alot, from different sources to be good to myself, take good care of me, be kind to myself. Etc...

Why not?

Worth a try.... shucks,, I've tried so many other things in my short life.  Why not try being nice to me too???

lol

So,, here I am. Gonna click send,, and then pack my  duffle bag for 2 days off.  Go buy groceries to make dishes to carry to the Feist's house. And GO TO THE WINDY BEACH AND CHECK INTO MY OCEANFRONT HOTEL ROOM AND CATCH SOME SALT, SUN, and SAND in my hair!!!

I deserve it,, or so I hear ;-)

Happy Thanksgiving to all,, and to all a good night =)

Jan M. Olsen

~J~

In awe over how the refractions of neon lights on the polluted, wildfire smoky Central Florida skies can be so BEAUTIFUL! Hazy strata undulating night skies.

A Spirit of the Familiar

If I'm not careful, I notice lapsing into old habits of eating or of treating my body, thinking of comfortable (also some not -so- comfortable) relationships, old attitudes or ways of approaching and thinking of Life.

I wonder why? Is it less scary than the Unknown? Chances are, the old ways were not very fulfilling to my Life's Calling. There are some great things to glean from the Past. But I don't want the disappontments of weeds and vines to trip me holding me down.

While driving the night shift down to Miami for holiday Time Off, I noticed letting the radio dial linger on music that was familiar, but not anything that I enjoyed or could sing along with.Why did I tune in? Tolerating it?

Changing that dial is so simple, really.Getting in touch with my abundant Blessings is a choice I made a long time ago. Sadly, I get caught up living a dance to music that I don't even know or like. Foreign to me. Keeps me out of sorts. Another uncomfortable role for me.

Once upon a time, there was a tender-hearted, happy-go-lucky girl. She got caught up surviving Life. Time to find her and get back to who I am deep inside. Resurrect that part of a smoking flax in me that flickered, but didn't extinguish.

So, reaching up to tweak the controls on the FM dial- Familiar Mentality. Honing in on what's Authentic, Genuine, Personal and Inspiring.

Rewarded by Love, Laughter, Song, Dance and Adventure! Enjoyment for the Living NOW and hope for the Promising Future Growth as a Woman of Purpose!

Tuning in,
Jan M. Olsen
~ J~
Sent Urom my Verizon Wireless mobile phone

God Moment

As Pastor Mark Happy Hattabaugh very eloquently said on FB and Twitter, " Bishop Klinedinst had us on our faces before God tonight. Lives changed forever. A true God Moment."

I would have to agree. I was given such a GIFT of Thursday night,Saturday's Mentoring for Ministry workshop, and both services at Pentecostals Of Cooper City today to be under the leadership of UPC finest WARRIORS and soldiers.
Word of Revelation, Word of Knowledge, Word of Impartation, Word of Conviction, Word of Healing, Word of Prophecy....all of those went forth. Of those, they were directed at me personally as well as to Others. Then other messages also went forth through Divine Annointing and unction of the Holy Ghost.

No price could purchase the time prone at the Master's Feet in surrender and place of being corrected, loved, molded into Christ's will and image.

If no one loves me? HE does. Worthy in HIM.

Saturday night on the beach and in a hotel with real (king size) bed and deep bath tub was a blessing.

Giving hundreds of dollars to anonymously help families for Thanksgiving? What an honor!! Very humbled how God just POURS INTO ME AND I CANNOT CONTAIN it all!!

Many, at least 10, offers from indv and families to join them for Thanksgiving. Never have I been so overwhelmed by love and outpouring. It is my gift to be able to work, taking loads from other drivers so they can get home with family.

God has been so good to me and His mercy endureth forever!

Back on my truck, will be in S.Carolina tomorrow night.

jmo

~ J ~
Sent from my Verizon Wireless mobile phone

If I am being a poor steward? then guilty as charged. I need a break from the confines of my semi. Want a real bed, quality sleep, shower. Getting a motel....

It's nice not to have to worry if I have 1-4 flat tires on my car when I finally see it again. Glad I took time and $$ last time :)