At the time I was arrested I had no idea it would turn into this. It was just a day like any other day. The only thing that made it significant was that the masses of the people joined in. ~Rosa Parks
My 43rd birthday came and went as a day like any other in recent years. I find myself in a sea of people, each one teeming in their own ocean. For the second August 27th in a row, my work day happened so that I was glad to get a Subway sandwich and happy to find a parking place that was relatively safe for 10 hours.
My oldest daughter, Angel, stayed awake to call me at 12:01am on August 27, 2011. She sang to me, and quoted to me a childrens' book, "The Kissing Hand". Little beast made me cry as I drove my semi truck overnight. Then as she was winding down, getting drowsy on the phone, I told her she was the bestest. She quipped, "I thought I was the P.S.?" So I replied, "The PS-est of the PS's."
As the disconnect was made, I heard one last giggle, "You are Cwazy lady!" to which I called back to note, "I heard that!".... made us both laugh then and today as she admits to being goofy sleepy and unsure what we said last night.
A few months ago I had to get a new cell phone when my Verizon phone broke. I changed carriers altogether. I lost over 12 saved voicemails that I had cherished for several years of my daughters, friends, church family and other loved ones leaving me songs, made up fantasy stories of Thor waiting for us in a cabin in the woods, and sundry declarations of love. Since having the new phone? No one has called to sing or say they love me to the voicemail. Until today ~ my dad sang "Happy Birthday" Phil Hooper style.... my first saved Sprint voicemail!!!!
When I called him back, I heard a tale that made my heart shake and curled my insides. A huge oak tree branch had crashed through their bedroom ceiling, landing only 10 inches from my sleeping Dad's face. Fairly extensive damage to the house, an insurance adjuster, and much work to clear the debris has filled their week. Hearing about it after the fact shook me. Our time on earth is fleeting as it is.
My Mom? Bless her. She says she mailed me a birthday card weeks ago. I do not know who got the card? I hope they enjoyed the silly poetry from my Dad and signature from my mom? LOL. She did not say anything to me today, she had done her deed by mailing the card. I just let her repeat things I have heard as a broken record for the past months, knowing she would suddenly "have to go" at any minute to a life I interuppted by my phone call to say "I love you Mom." I was glad she is here to talk to me one more day and do not look forward to the silence that will one day be the case.
Thank you Brett, my DM for the laughing wishes on Friday, for Jim the mechanic that let me slide without a routine service, for the text messages from my Aunt Lannis that gave me a crib to sleep in as an infant, and who raised me as a twin to my cousin. Texts also came this week from Dawn Reckhart, my Auburndale friend sister in God. Dawn was steeling for a direct hit in New Jersey from Hurricane Irene, and yet kept my phone busy the last couple of days assuring me of her love. I am a blessed girl!
This day last year, I was still in pain with an illness and carrying unrepented injuries in my memories. This year I was blessed to be released of both, and for that I am extremely grateful. Thank you to my abiding friend, Mark. Opening the present, 2011 has been amazing in terms of growth, new ideas and a revolving door of fresh opportunities to become my best self.
Preparing for my fourth Reunion, Reconcilliation, Reconnection trip to Colorado to be with Alisha and my two grandsons, I have had an usually odd work week. The normal week being 14 hour days, I am not used to sitting around at such odd intervals, yet pinned to the responsibility for the truck or trailer. Friday I only did 450 miles, and wanting more work, I requested to run overnight. Wish granted, I ran from 9pm Friday - 1100 am Saturday for an additional 500 miles.
I was supposed to run 578 miles 9pm Saturday-Sunday, but that load cancelled. I made my mind up while still in the bunk this evening in prayer, to be submitted to God's will and plan, wherever he may choose to go with me. When the load cancelled? I had a lot of peace, and figure I will enjoy flipping back to the dayshift, and the extra double resting period will be wonderful to my body, mind, spirit before my Colorado trip.
If I had known ahead that I had Sunday off, I would have set up a ride to a local church in Jacksonville, FL. There may still be time to make those arrangements when I wake up. Who knows?
God knows. He also knows the plans he has for me. He knows where I am now. He knows that I am both grateful to be alive and ready for the next year, and that I am weary sometimes of this life in general. He knows my heart and the Processes I am going through. Reassuringly, he knows the Outcome as well.
Relief.
Letting go the control that I do not have anyway and climbing up in my Daddy's arms like I am 4 .... not 43.
I will end as I began, with a quote from Rosa Parks. Who knows the scope a life will have, when all is said and done? Much to be considered, the choices are up to me to tend to as lovingly as a gardner of miracles. Curious where I will be in life one year from today?
Memories of our lives, of our works and our deeds will continue in others.~ Rosa Parks
Continuing,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Essence
I shall be at peace when the lion within can lie down with the lamb.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Counting On It
60 Seconds in a minute/ 60 minutes in an hour.
3,600 seconds in an hour/ 24 hours in a day.
86, 400 seconds in a day/ 7 days in a week.
604, 800 seconds in a week/ 52 weeks in a year.
31, 449, 600 seconds in a year.
That's what my mind has managed to boil my existence down to at this moment.
31, 449, 600 seconds in a year. I can not add seconds to the regular 365 days a year. If I live the entire year from beginning to ending, I can not actually reduce the number of seconds. The question is never really in how many seconds I have left to use in my lifetime of seconds, minutes, days, weeks, years, but rather how did I spend that exact factual numbered supply? I actively control or affect the latter.
As a person, I describe myself as passionate, on fire, shaking and baking, busy, invigorated, optimistic, emotional, loving, driven, tenacious, forgiving, intelligent, motivated, inspired, always learning, dynamic, curious, open, tender, giving, serving, full of gratitude. I know that list is not focussing on grammar or form. It is more important to me to spit a whale out of the pit of my tummy right now than it is to make it come to sense to anyone, but me! I need a moment of my own clarity and understanding. I'M WORKING ON IT!!!
I've prayed about it. Meditated. Read material. Written. Practiced free-writing just prior to this stint at the computer. I've slept on it, dreamed of it, or tossed and turned over it.
The concept of free writing is something that results in several thoughts tumbling from me at once. Today, I looked "free writing" up online again and chose an educational, no frills site. Then I decided to follow their format. This included setting a timer, not stopping, not editing, not judging, and choosing a topic to write about. In my own off beat sense of humor? I chose "Free Writing" as the topic. Why? I was curious what would come up?
I am into the details of how and why. That is a bit annoying at times like free writing, praying, meditating, etc. I know why I do this. It came up several times this past week. I heard myself saying in my head, or even muttering out loud, "Damn! I was set up to fall short on this. That's going to show as a "fail". Fail is an angry word in my vocabulary. I HATE TO FAIL. If you do this, Jan, you will fail."
I have had a lot of exposure to old concepts that came to me in fresh ways this past 11 months. Some of it is so simple, it was hard. Some of it was hidden among the stuff of life. Some of it I was conditioned to get over it, move on. Some of it, I just accepted, tired of bucking the flow upstream. Some of it, habit or traditions held me bound. Some of it religion or dogma put fear in my spirit and I stayed shy away from either the Unknown, or the unsafe.
Some of it was brand spanking new to me, some of it I just kept pushing back, staying in my roll with the flow mode that gets me through all kinds of life drama or issues. That last one, rolling with the flow, is a survival tool I've had to engage, seems like all my life. Just get through it, move on, and hope I learned a thing or two?
As a person, I get very uptight thinking that I might fail, and it sometimes causes the very thing I am worrying over. The concept I recognized this year was "what you reflect out of you, is what you attract to you." Even as I type this, my stomach is roiling, my jaw is clamped, my hands keep clenching, my posture is slumped and my eyes keep drifting off screen.
The day is beautiful in Central Florida, but my focus is lax and I think it keeps trying to protect me, to push me back just under an alarming level? The fact I can't focus even is ticking me off, and I see I am going in circles. "Failing" again. This time to sort out or stay on a topic. Just as I wrote that? I huffed an angry growl that would have smoked my laptop into an incendiary heap of smoldering ash if I was a dragon. UGH! I have been in and out of that stage of an aggravated huff for quite a while now!!!
Here is a bit of my shot gun spray of angst. Some of it came out in my free writing exercise. As I wrote most of it? I noticed myself pushing my way through to humor. That's another survival tool. If you can laugh about a situation? It may not be as bad as you once thought, it might relax if it is bad, and you can definitely ease up and get into the "roll with the flow" stage if you can laugh about it.
As I was free writing? My mind was still so uptight, it kept telling me "you can't edit it , per the "RULES", so don't screw it up the first time to begin with. Just keep it light, so you can keep moving. Don't get serious or grey. Don't fail this too, Hooper!"
hmmmm... is that a sign of something more deeply ominous? All week I referred to myself by an old name, my maiden name. Hmmm?
To free write? I paid careful attention up front to "get everything right". I located looseleaf paper. I found me a lid to a storage unit to use as a desktop. I found the timer function on my EVO and even restarted it. I wanted to set it for ten minutes, but I got edgy that pushing the start took up my seconds. So I actually set it for 10 minutes, 30 seconds, to give me time to turn and address my paper. I fidgeted with the Sirius Xm selections.
I love classical and symphonic music, but I found myself grooving to the beat. If anything had voice? I was straining to decipher it. I settled in with cool jazz, only every 5th song or so has any lyrics to it. The station is called Watercolors, and when I think of that word, I think of light shades of blue, watery, mixxing and fading across a clean canvas. Beginning to drip, swirl, tilt.. blend. That seemed a good moodsetting for writing.
Finally, I stopped all that bustle and I truly did the three deliberate, slow breaths that I learned this year. What a gift!
I didn't have a pen on hand that I like. I am adamant to write with blue ink when it is for personal or pleasure use. And I don't like the pen to be smooth grip, or medium point. The only blue pens on my truck now are slick bics or a Pilot knock off with a broken plastic sheath. So the pen bent at the tip, wobbling as I wrote and I kept noticing it. Annoyed. Wow. I am really cranky, lol.
I chose the topic Free Writing because just those words make me smile.... okay, they make me grin and internally giggle. I feel the corners of my eyes crinkling and my heart gets skippy in a happy beat. This is a result of when I first "discovered" the term, I asked three people I trust to tell me what all the buzz was about. And all three of them laughed at me, or should I say, with me? I was sheepish to ask. They all three got sparkles of good humor, that radiated out in their reply. I can not rein in a a goofy giggle in my heart to think of the phrase "free writing". So I chose a subject that both infuriates me and makes me laugh. That's a typical experience right now, in the exact SECOND I am living.
Whew, that was wandering. My mind is doing a lot of that drifting stuff lately. ANYWAY! What I came up with in the free writing exercise in ten minutes was just exactly how much TEN MINUTES costs or affects. And YES!! That is my anxiety! That is my "fail". That is what is twisting and turning me into knots. As I defined it in my ramblings today, this ten minute exercise is JUST ANOTHER item to add to my "Things To Be Done" list.
Ten minutes by itself is a small number. That's only 600 seconds out of a year.
But when the "LIST" keeps tacking STUFF on every day?
Or when items really should be given more than ten minutes to be adequate?
I'm overwhelmed and out of time before I begin.
I failed.
Sigh.....
10 minutes to pray.
10 minutes to breathe.
10 minutes to meditate.
10 minutes to read.
10 minutes to write.
10 minutes to exercise.
10 minutes to love.
10 minutes to serve.
10 minutes to give.
Many of those on that list above should have 30-60 minutes- EACH AND EVERY DAY!!
Yet, just at the bare bones? Before breakfast or a shower? It's already 90 minutes, or one and a half hours of my exact 24 hours a day.
Each advocate says their exercise is the one necessary to be life-changing or meaningful. As it all adds up, I feel the weight of my shortcomings on my soul. I feel the strain to add even one more routine to my unstructured work and lifestyle. See? In doing the exercise, I almost talked myself out of doing, while still in the process of doing it.
Confused yet? Here's another one for you. I am not into jokes that find their humor in degrading or injuring another. One of the rare exceptions so far, has been an NPR Radio show on Saturdays called, "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me." I find it to be funny, a bit risque, and yet, somewhat a funny way to present portions of truthful events. I live in a technical era that offers so many ways to get the gratification I search for. If my laptop internet streams too slow for live-streaming? If SiriusXM doesn't have it? The new Android most likely has it somewhere.
My EVO has an application called "Tune In Pro" that allows me to search and tap into live streams of radio WORLDWIDE. I can listen now, record these to listen to later, fast forward, rewind, etc. I can search by title of a program, local station, genre, or just by letting the Android tell me what is on. Over 5,000 options. By the way, even for a multi-tasker like me? That is 4, 999 more radion stations than I can enjoy at one time!
I knew August 20, 2011 was Saturday. Where was my NPR radio show? I made it my agenda to LAUGH dammit. Man! I ended up being thwarted in every corner and aggravated at trying to find what I put my hopes on to make me laugh! Aiyiyiyi!
The program is contingent upon good cell phone signal coverage. And my opinion? Sprint has the absolute lousiest coverage of all the providers! As I drive on my job, I am forever having to reboot my Sprint computer aircard for my laptop and my cell phone to get back in the stream. How annoying!
If I am recording on Tune In? Well, it gets a burp in the stored program every time I lose signal or have to reboot. Yesterday? I swear it seemed like every time it was a punchline to a joke, or an answer to a question? A wrinkle in time and I lost signal!!! Grrrr.
So, I had a brainstorm!!! This is at least a nationwide NPR program. I could find it in, say, Pacific time zone and program it to record for later. Meanwhile, I stumbled upon podcasts of "Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me" with weekly dates up to August 13th.
FINALLY!!! This is where I found humor to make up for the humorous radio I was being gypped of! Here is my punchline - " Next week's podcast will be last week's broadcast copy of today's show."
I simply need to be patient 604,800 seconds until this time next week, to hear today's show.
It failed to humor me then, that all of the podcasts are new material to me, since I just discovered them yesterday.
To sum this all up, as I can feel my steam is seeping out? The "Do XXXXX or you will fail, Jan" comes from my work on my job as a truck driver. It was when I was a lease operator and my aggressive driver manager pushed his equally aggressive driver (me) to succeed in the business model.
450 miles a day or you will fail, Jan.
750 miles on Monday, did not excuse a 350 mile day on Tuesday. To the pair of us? I had shown I had the potential for a 750 mile day each and every time.
It also goes back to a phrase I heard all through my growing up years. "You are falling so far below your potential. What a waste."... well, somehow, that didn't motivate me to "SHOW THEM",,, it eventually came to, "Well, FINE, I won't fricking ever be good enough anyway, so I aint gonna bust a gut trying this time either."
Today, I refuse to fall into that trap or lie!!!
I end up leaning more to the "450 miles a day or you will fail" mentality.
Push myself to my edge, then tomorrow? Strive to BETTER MY BEST.
This can be a powerful tool to spur me onward. Right now though, it is making me tired to my core of always falling just short of the mark I set in my own path. Especially since I do not control many aspects of trucking business.
The only parts I do control? MY alarm clock, my calendar, my time spent attending to the driving, the fewer, shorter stops better.
I am watching my life pass by at 62 mph in a huff of sick diesel fumes.
Currently, I have an agressive driver manager again. This man does not believe he needs to consult me when he plans my loads. He expects me to go when and where I am told, when he tells me to do so. This grates on my every last nerve.
I am an intelligent, thinking, rational human being and I can choose when and where, how and what route to go,,, as long as the WHY is covered,,, which is simple - safe! on time! pick up and delivery! professional, attentive customer service at my own HIGH STANDARD.
The driver manager discovered I will run my heart out. So he has gotten a bad habit of planning me back to back, grueling, very tight deadlines that "rescue" loads and drive his/my miles up per week. It pays to have me on a fleet. It pays me to have a manager like him behind me. Together? We are killing my desire to keep going on!
This week? I pushed HARD out of the gate! Almost immediately, circumstances caused me to sit 20 hours UNPRODUCTIVE, then "help me out",,, so I ran hard and furious to back his play.
Got to the next one? He has booked me back to back, no wiggle room. I had better plan on a tailwind to push my truck 63 mph, and not drink any water that day.
Get almost to the destination (projected on time, btw) and he slings me to rescue another driver's load, who is already TWO fricking hours late.
I have remained in that 1-2 hour late status the rest of the week. You can't make it up.
i am failing at my job. Just as I failed to not overthink free writing. Just as I failed to see how in God's green earth I can add ONE MORE 10 minute routine to my day!!!!!!!!!!
Will I get relief? COUNT ON IT! Will I perservere? Yep! Will I get righted and get on top of my own work ethic? You bet your A$$.
Right now? I have 100 minutes. That's 6,000 seconds left before I have to blast off on a Sunday to commence today's effort to catch up from the hell hole of "failures" of last week. How I spend that finite, exact, specific allotment of "time"?
Is up to me.
Getting off the computer to find a way to raise my emotions, my vibrations and my attitude?
Count on it,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
3,600 seconds in an hour/ 24 hours in a day.
86, 400 seconds in a day/ 7 days in a week.
604, 800 seconds in a week/ 52 weeks in a year.
31, 449, 600 seconds in a year.
That's what my mind has managed to boil my existence down to at this moment.
31, 449, 600 seconds in a year. I can not add seconds to the regular 365 days a year. If I live the entire year from beginning to ending, I can not actually reduce the number of seconds. The question is never really in how many seconds I have left to use in my lifetime of seconds, minutes, days, weeks, years, but rather how did I spend that exact factual numbered supply? I actively control or affect the latter.
As a person, I describe myself as passionate, on fire, shaking and baking, busy, invigorated, optimistic, emotional, loving, driven, tenacious, forgiving, intelligent, motivated, inspired, always learning, dynamic, curious, open, tender, giving, serving, full of gratitude. I know that list is not focussing on grammar or form. It is more important to me to spit a whale out of the pit of my tummy right now than it is to make it come to sense to anyone, but me! I need a moment of my own clarity and understanding. I'M WORKING ON IT!!!
I've prayed about it. Meditated. Read material. Written. Practiced free-writing just prior to this stint at the computer. I've slept on it, dreamed of it, or tossed and turned over it.
The concept of free writing is something that results in several thoughts tumbling from me at once. Today, I looked "free writing" up online again and chose an educational, no frills site. Then I decided to follow their format. This included setting a timer, not stopping, not editing, not judging, and choosing a topic to write about. In my own off beat sense of humor? I chose "Free Writing" as the topic. Why? I was curious what would come up?
I am into the details of how and why. That is a bit annoying at times like free writing, praying, meditating, etc. I know why I do this. It came up several times this past week. I heard myself saying in my head, or even muttering out loud, "Damn! I was set up to fall short on this. That's going to show as a "fail". Fail is an angry word in my vocabulary. I HATE TO FAIL. If you do this, Jan, you will fail."
I have had a lot of exposure to old concepts that came to me in fresh ways this past 11 months. Some of it is so simple, it was hard. Some of it was hidden among the stuff of life. Some of it I was conditioned to get over it, move on. Some of it, I just accepted, tired of bucking the flow upstream. Some of it, habit or traditions held me bound. Some of it religion or dogma put fear in my spirit and I stayed shy away from either the Unknown, or the unsafe.
Some of it was brand spanking new to me, some of it I just kept pushing back, staying in my roll with the flow mode that gets me through all kinds of life drama or issues. That last one, rolling with the flow, is a survival tool I've had to engage, seems like all my life. Just get through it, move on, and hope I learned a thing or two?
As a person, I get very uptight thinking that I might fail, and it sometimes causes the very thing I am worrying over. The concept I recognized this year was "what you reflect out of you, is what you attract to you." Even as I type this, my stomach is roiling, my jaw is clamped, my hands keep clenching, my posture is slumped and my eyes keep drifting off screen.
The day is beautiful in Central Florida, but my focus is lax and I think it keeps trying to protect me, to push me back just under an alarming level? The fact I can't focus even is ticking me off, and I see I am going in circles. "Failing" again. This time to sort out or stay on a topic. Just as I wrote that? I huffed an angry growl that would have smoked my laptop into an incendiary heap of smoldering ash if I was a dragon. UGH! I have been in and out of that stage of an aggravated huff for quite a while now!!!
Here is a bit of my shot gun spray of angst. Some of it came out in my free writing exercise. As I wrote most of it? I noticed myself pushing my way through to humor. That's another survival tool. If you can laugh about a situation? It may not be as bad as you once thought, it might relax if it is bad, and you can definitely ease up and get into the "roll with the flow" stage if you can laugh about it.
As I was free writing? My mind was still so uptight, it kept telling me "you can't edit it , per the "RULES", so don't screw it up the first time to begin with. Just keep it light, so you can keep moving. Don't get serious or grey. Don't fail this too, Hooper!"
hmmmm... is that a sign of something more deeply ominous? All week I referred to myself by an old name, my maiden name. Hmmm?
To free write? I paid careful attention up front to "get everything right". I located looseleaf paper. I found me a lid to a storage unit to use as a desktop. I found the timer function on my EVO and even restarted it. I wanted to set it for ten minutes, but I got edgy that pushing the start took up my seconds. So I actually set it for 10 minutes, 30 seconds, to give me time to turn and address my paper. I fidgeted with the Sirius Xm selections.
I love classical and symphonic music, but I found myself grooving to the beat. If anything had voice? I was straining to decipher it. I settled in with cool jazz, only every 5th song or so has any lyrics to it. The station is called Watercolors, and when I think of that word, I think of light shades of blue, watery, mixxing and fading across a clean canvas. Beginning to drip, swirl, tilt.. blend. That seemed a good moodsetting for writing.
Finally, I stopped all that bustle and I truly did the three deliberate, slow breaths that I learned this year. What a gift!
I didn't have a pen on hand that I like. I am adamant to write with blue ink when it is for personal or pleasure use. And I don't like the pen to be smooth grip, or medium point. The only blue pens on my truck now are slick bics or a Pilot knock off with a broken plastic sheath. So the pen bent at the tip, wobbling as I wrote and I kept noticing it. Annoyed. Wow. I am really cranky, lol.
I chose the topic Free Writing because just those words make me smile.... okay, they make me grin and internally giggle. I feel the corners of my eyes crinkling and my heart gets skippy in a happy beat. This is a result of when I first "discovered" the term, I asked three people I trust to tell me what all the buzz was about. And all three of them laughed at me, or should I say, with me? I was sheepish to ask. They all three got sparkles of good humor, that radiated out in their reply. I can not rein in a a goofy giggle in my heart to think of the phrase "free writing". So I chose a subject that both infuriates me and makes me laugh. That's a typical experience right now, in the exact SECOND I am living.
Whew, that was wandering. My mind is doing a lot of that drifting stuff lately. ANYWAY! What I came up with in the free writing exercise in ten minutes was just exactly how much TEN MINUTES costs or affects. And YES!! That is my anxiety! That is my "fail". That is what is twisting and turning me into knots. As I defined it in my ramblings today, this ten minute exercise is JUST ANOTHER item to add to my "Things To Be Done" list.
Ten minutes by itself is a small number. That's only 600 seconds out of a year.
But when the "LIST" keeps tacking STUFF on every day?
Or when items really should be given more than ten minutes to be adequate?
I'm overwhelmed and out of time before I begin.
I failed.
Sigh.....
10 minutes to pray.
10 minutes to breathe.
10 minutes to meditate.
10 minutes to read.
10 minutes to write.
10 minutes to exercise.
10 minutes to love.
10 minutes to serve.
10 minutes to give.
Many of those on that list above should have 30-60 minutes- EACH AND EVERY DAY!!
Yet, just at the bare bones? Before breakfast or a shower? It's already 90 minutes, or one and a half hours of my exact 24 hours a day.
Each advocate says their exercise is the one necessary to be life-changing or meaningful. As it all adds up, I feel the weight of my shortcomings on my soul. I feel the strain to add even one more routine to my unstructured work and lifestyle. See? In doing the exercise, I almost talked myself out of doing, while still in the process of doing it.
Confused yet? Here's another one for you. I am not into jokes that find their humor in degrading or injuring another. One of the rare exceptions so far, has been an NPR Radio show on Saturdays called, "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me." I find it to be funny, a bit risque, and yet, somewhat a funny way to present portions of truthful events. I live in a technical era that offers so many ways to get the gratification I search for. If my laptop internet streams too slow for live-streaming? If SiriusXM doesn't have it? The new Android most likely has it somewhere.
My EVO has an application called "Tune In Pro" that allows me to search and tap into live streams of radio WORLDWIDE. I can listen now, record these to listen to later, fast forward, rewind, etc. I can search by title of a program, local station, genre, or just by letting the Android tell me what is on. Over 5,000 options. By the way, even for a multi-tasker like me? That is 4, 999 more radion stations than I can enjoy at one time!
I knew August 20, 2011 was Saturday. Where was my NPR radio show? I made it my agenda to LAUGH dammit. Man! I ended up being thwarted in every corner and aggravated at trying to find what I put my hopes on to make me laugh! Aiyiyiyi!
The program is contingent upon good cell phone signal coverage. And my opinion? Sprint has the absolute lousiest coverage of all the providers! As I drive on my job, I am forever having to reboot my Sprint computer aircard for my laptop and my cell phone to get back in the stream. How annoying!
If I am recording on Tune In? Well, it gets a burp in the stored program every time I lose signal or have to reboot. Yesterday? I swear it seemed like every time it was a punchline to a joke, or an answer to a question? A wrinkle in time and I lost signal!!! Grrrr.
So, I had a brainstorm!!! This is at least a nationwide NPR program. I could find it in, say, Pacific time zone and program it to record for later. Meanwhile, I stumbled upon podcasts of "Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me" with weekly dates up to August 13th.
FINALLY!!! This is where I found humor to make up for the humorous radio I was being gypped of! Here is my punchline - " Next week's podcast will be last week's broadcast copy of today's show."
I simply need to be patient 604,800 seconds until this time next week, to hear today's show.
It failed to humor me then, that all of the podcasts are new material to me, since I just discovered them yesterday.
To sum this all up, as I can feel my steam is seeping out? The "Do XXXXX or you will fail, Jan" comes from my work on my job as a truck driver. It was when I was a lease operator and my aggressive driver manager pushed his equally aggressive driver (me) to succeed in the business model.
450 miles a day or you will fail, Jan.
750 miles on Monday, did not excuse a 350 mile day on Tuesday. To the pair of us? I had shown I had the potential for a 750 mile day each and every time.
It also goes back to a phrase I heard all through my growing up years. "You are falling so far below your potential. What a waste."... well, somehow, that didn't motivate me to "SHOW THEM",,, it eventually came to, "Well, FINE, I won't fricking ever be good enough anyway, so I aint gonna bust a gut trying this time either."
Today, I refuse to fall into that trap or lie!!!
I end up leaning more to the "450 miles a day or you will fail" mentality.
Push myself to my edge, then tomorrow? Strive to BETTER MY BEST.
This can be a powerful tool to spur me onward. Right now though, it is making me tired to my core of always falling just short of the mark I set in my own path. Especially since I do not control many aspects of trucking business.
The only parts I do control? MY alarm clock, my calendar, my time spent attending to the driving, the fewer, shorter stops better.
I am watching my life pass by at 62 mph in a huff of sick diesel fumes.
Currently, I have an agressive driver manager again. This man does not believe he needs to consult me when he plans my loads. He expects me to go when and where I am told, when he tells me to do so. This grates on my every last nerve.
I am an intelligent, thinking, rational human being and I can choose when and where, how and what route to go,,, as long as the WHY is covered,,, which is simple - safe! on time! pick up and delivery! professional, attentive customer service at my own HIGH STANDARD.
The driver manager discovered I will run my heart out. So he has gotten a bad habit of planning me back to back, grueling, very tight deadlines that "rescue" loads and drive his/my miles up per week. It pays to have me on a fleet. It pays me to have a manager like him behind me. Together? We are killing my desire to keep going on!
This week? I pushed HARD out of the gate! Almost immediately, circumstances caused me to sit 20 hours UNPRODUCTIVE, then "help me out",,, so I ran hard and furious to back his play.
Got to the next one? He has booked me back to back, no wiggle room. I had better plan on a tailwind to push my truck 63 mph, and not drink any water that day.
Get almost to the destination (projected on time, btw) and he slings me to rescue another driver's load, who is already TWO fricking hours late.
I have remained in that 1-2 hour late status the rest of the week. You can't make it up.
i am failing at my job. Just as I failed to not overthink free writing. Just as I failed to see how in God's green earth I can add ONE MORE 10 minute routine to my day!!!!!!!!!!
Will I get relief? COUNT ON IT! Will I perservere? Yep! Will I get righted and get on top of my own work ethic? You bet your A$$.
Right now? I have 100 minutes. That's 6,000 seconds left before I have to blast off on a Sunday to commence today's effort to catch up from the hell hole of "failures" of last week. How I spend that finite, exact, specific allotment of "time"?
Is up to me.
Getting off the computer to find a way to raise my emotions, my vibrations and my attitude?
Count on it,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
How Many Cups Do I Need At One Time?
I am choosing gratitude.
There are circumstances this week that concern me. If I let myself, I could spent my finite minutes stressing in worry and expending my resources trying to bend the outward world to fit my preferences. At times, it is a lot of work to remember to shift my thoughts or attitudes to being grateful and rolling with the flow. Whatever time I get afforded to me, will not return again. It's up to me to make it memorable and worthy.
This past weekend at my home town and church blessings poured in a turbulent flow of incoming and outgoing experiences. I was able to rest often on the beach, with friends as well as moments of peaceful solitude, and to attend both Sunday church services. God is amazing all the time and this past weekend was very inspiring to be a part of the miraculous and Holy Ghost explosions.
I had let certain priorities slip. I had allowed my focus to drift from the main thing. It's when I experienced peace and unity again, umerited favor and grace, that I realised THIS is the missing piece when I am apart for any length of time. My heart filled with the love. Already, I began to long to return..
God is everywhere. He is all things. My particular niche, though, is among people that love and protect me. There is so much work to do for others, no matter where we go. I can be of service locally in a focused way just as I can scatter abroad.
It's common for me to desire a home or roots.
Today I choose to be grateful for the moments I have already had. I choose to accept and be thankful for my week as it unfolds. This present moment is the only one I have any control over. Even then, it is often just control of my attitude that I actually affect.
I do hope to get back home this weekend. But I chose to be thankful for a driver manager that is aggressive and has his own agenda. There are times his work ethic assists my own drive to excel. I must be thankful for his role at all times, not just when it is looking good in my own eyes.
My daughter sent me a photo of my grandson yesterday. Two men were teasing him in a line at WalMart. Jeremiah is one years old. He can not yet discern what is real, what is important, what is lasting, what is necessary. The photo shows him holding a blue and a green cup. His facial expression screams "MINE!". He cannot drink of both cups at once. He did not look willing to surrender either to the neighbors.
Every now and then when I get cranky at the world around me, when it doesn't move in the direction or speed I deem is best, or when I rely on other people that see things altogether differently than I do? I act like a child with two cups, both mine. I want it all. I tell myself this is so I can give it away. Right now, I wonder if it is because I am being selfish for the moment?
Today? I am choosing to be in a state of gratitude for the one who fills my cups to overflowing and abundance.
Thanking God,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
There are circumstances this week that concern me. If I let myself, I could spent my finite minutes stressing in worry and expending my resources trying to bend the outward world to fit my preferences. At times, it is a lot of work to remember to shift my thoughts or attitudes to being grateful and rolling with the flow. Whatever time I get afforded to me, will not return again. It's up to me to make it memorable and worthy.
This past weekend at my home town and church blessings poured in a turbulent flow of incoming and outgoing experiences. I was able to rest often on the beach, with friends as well as moments of peaceful solitude, and to attend both Sunday church services. God is amazing all the time and this past weekend was very inspiring to be a part of the miraculous and Holy Ghost explosions.
I had let certain priorities slip. I had allowed my focus to drift from the main thing. It's when I experienced peace and unity again, umerited favor and grace, that I realised THIS is the missing piece when I am apart for any length of time. My heart filled with the love. Already, I began to long to return..
God is everywhere. He is all things. My particular niche, though, is among people that love and protect me. There is so much work to do for others, no matter where we go. I can be of service locally in a focused way just as I can scatter abroad.
It's common for me to desire a home or roots.
Today I choose to be grateful for the moments I have already had. I choose to accept and be thankful for my week as it unfolds. This present moment is the only one I have any control over. Even then, it is often just control of my attitude that I actually affect.
I do hope to get back home this weekend. But I chose to be thankful for a driver manager that is aggressive and has his own agenda. There are times his work ethic assists my own drive to excel. I must be thankful for his role at all times, not just when it is looking good in my own eyes.
My daughter sent me a photo of my grandson yesterday. Two men were teasing him in a line at WalMart. Jeremiah is one years old. He can not yet discern what is real, what is important, what is lasting, what is necessary. The photo shows him holding a blue and a green cup. His facial expression screams "MINE!". He cannot drink of both cups at once. He did not look willing to surrender either to the neighbors.
Every now and then when I get cranky at the world around me, when it doesn't move in the direction or speed I deem is best, or when I rely on other people that see things altogether differently than I do? I act like a child with two cups, both mine. I want it all. I tell myself this is so I can give it away. Right now, I wonder if it is because I am being selfish for the moment?
Today? I am choosing to be in a state of gratitude for the one who fills my cups to overflowing and abundance.
Thanking God,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Reaching That Place
As all manner of Life anniversaries and milestones assail me during the late Spring and Summer months, I am reminded of all my many blessings and gifts in this life. From birthdays to wedding anniversaries, service years, dates important people joined or left my life stream, it is all very new and fresh this year. August is one of those months full of anniversaries.
I know people tend to look at my life and have one of two opinions. Either they think I am the coolest cat with the best job ever, and they are right. I am and I do :) Or they feel sorry I am alone, no residence, no one close to me. They are right in the facts of that reality, but I view all of those results as their own blessings for various reasons.
2010- Present day, I learn more every day how to simplify my life, how to enrich the lives that come in contact with mine, and how to find the blessing in everything. I'm an optimist by nature and it doesn't take much for me to settle down, breathe calmly and see God is in control and that I am amply blessed in favor.
All of this gentle acceptance of my life and learning to date leads me to a place of rest in my Spirit. I am calmer, happier, more grateful, as well as exercising forgiveness more readily to myself and others. The most recent developments are allowing love and other gifts to flow in and out of me less hindered. A consummate student of Life, there is much yet to learn or experience. The forward progress thrills me immensely.
One area that surely needs polishing is my lack of patience with things I cannot control such as my work dispatches in the fickle job of transportation with all its myriad of variables, weather, or relying on other people. I really wrestle with tolerance of stupid, and try to surrender the stressfull need of fixxing everything to follow the frame I design. Smiling, I am a work in progress.
A very specific area of great improvement in my life has been choosing to simplify. If a person is not inspiring, loving, enriching, motivating, or encouraging? If I am not offering those same traits to them? Then I examine closely to see why they are on my contact list. Life is too short to live with any abuse or disrespect of my value or time. Also, in the Fall months, I will be culling my storage units. If it hasn't been used in the recent months? ( this is 99% of the contents) Pass it along to charities that could pair it with those who need it. This will reduce my resources of time, money, travel, and worry being expended on a life that is founded in the Past.
All of the above paragraph is taking serious work for me to examine and reach a place of calm or acceptance. Day by day, I grow in God's nurturing plan. Being blessed with abundance is a gift, filtering that bounty through love is a privilege.
These musings bring me to Today. I am on the edge of being soul weary again. I am the only person in charge of how I react. Therefore, I am not going to make plans with anyone to do anything on the next time off I get. I'm in position work-wise to get to my car in SoFL - - - sometime this weekend. It's nice that people want to include me in BBQs, reunions, visiting church services, etc, but if I have to drive more than 20 minutes to arrive? Then I am losing some of the pleasure in the gift.
Making a command decision, I informed my friends that I will not drive in my personal car almost 500 miles roundtrip on 2 days off duty from my semi truck. I hope everyone understands, I am grateful for the overflow of blessings. Instead of filling my days, I hope to rest and foster the recharging of my batteries on my next time off, whenever that occurs. This powerful choice releases the pressure cooker to force elements of Time and driving trucks under Dispatch that I do not have control over into conforming to my overloaded personal schedule.
There are TWO METEOR SHOWERS pelting the summer skies right now!!! I can easily imagine a sultry August night in the next few days, lying on the Atlantic beachline, with nothing more pressing than counting earthgrazers on my mind! If it happens this way? Great! If it does not? The meteors are still zipping, I will continue viewing them from my current location.
I am also in need of time under God's unfathomable skies to DANCE!!!!
I'm embracing my growth into a place of tolerance, love, peace, gratitude and renewal. How my heart sings!
Reaching that place,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
I know people tend to look at my life and have one of two opinions. Either they think I am the coolest cat with the best job ever, and they are right. I am and I do :) Or they feel sorry I am alone, no residence, no one close to me. They are right in the facts of that reality, but I view all of those results as their own blessings for various reasons.
2010- Present day, I learn more every day how to simplify my life, how to enrich the lives that come in contact with mine, and how to find the blessing in everything. I'm an optimist by nature and it doesn't take much for me to settle down, breathe calmly and see God is in control and that I am amply blessed in favor.
All of this gentle acceptance of my life and learning to date leads me to a place of rest in my Spirit. I am calmer, happier, more grateful, as well as exercising forgiveness more readily to myself and others. The most recent developments are allowing love and other gifts to flow in and out of me less hindered. A consummate student of Life, there is much yet to learn or experience. The forward progress thrills me immensely.
One area that surely needs polishing is my lack of patience with things I cannot control such as my work dispatches in the fickle job of transportation with all its myriad of variables, weather, or relying on other people. I really wrestle with tolerance of stupid, and try to surrender the stressfull need of fixxing everything to follow the frame I design. Smiling, I am a work in progress.
A very specific area of great improvement in my life has been choosing to simplify. If a person is not inspiring, loving, enriching, motivating, or encouraging? If I am not offering those same traits to them? Then I examine closely to see why they are on my contact list. Life is too short to live with any abuse or disrespect of my value or time. Also, in the Fall months, I will be culling my storage units. If it hasn't been used in the recent months? ( this is 99% of the contents) Pass it along to charities that could pair it with those who need it. This will reduce my resources of time, money, travel, and worry being expended on a life that is founded in the Past.
All of the above paragraph is taking serious work for me to examine and reach a place of calm or acceptance. Day by day, I grow in God's nurturing plan. Being blessed with abundance is a gift, filtering that bounty through love is a privilege.
These musings bring me to Today. I am on the edge of being soul weary again. I am the only person in charge of how I react. Therefore, I am not going to make plans with anyone to do anything on the next time off I get. I'm in position work-wise to get to my car in SoFL - - - sometime this weekend. It's nice that people want to include me in BBQs, reunions, visiting church services, etc, but if I have to drive more than 20 minutes to arrive? Then I am losing some of the pleasure in the gift.
Making a command decision, I informed my friends that I will not drive in my personal car almost 500 miles roundtrip on 2 days off duty from my semi truck. I hope everyone understands, I am grateful for the overflow of blessings. Instead of filling my days, I hope to rest and foster the recharging of my batteries on my next time off, whenever that occurs. This powerful choice releases the pressure cooker to force elements of Time and driving trucks under Dispatch that I do not have control over into conforming to my overloaded personal schedule.
There are TWO METEOR SHOWERS pelting the summer skies right now!!! I can easily imagine a sultry August night in the next few days, lying on the Atlantic beachline, with nothing more pressing than counting earthgrazers on my mind! If it happens this way? Great! If it does not? The meteors are still zipping, I will continue viewing them from my current location.
I am also in need of time under God's unfathomable skies to DANCE!!!!
I'm embracing my growth into a place of tolerance, love, peace, gratitude and renewal. How my heart sings!
Reaching that place,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Loaded Or Empty?
I am experiencing one of those days where it pays great benefits to being an optimist. My job is technically Southeast Regional, yet I am in Ohio in a corn field, beside a bridge that's out for construction on a Saturday, with no load, no empty trailer, and no work. The food offering is a stale vending machine and the restroom is a port-o-john. If truth were known, I would MUCH rather be getting sun in my hair at the SoFL beaches, settling in for a great night of local talent performing music as eclectic as I am, and thinking "what to wear to church in the morning?".
Instead, I have been sent on a wild goose chase in a 100 miles radius looking for an empty trailer. If a place has them? They won't surrender it. If I am sent to pick up a load? I needed to bring an empty. At one guard shack I asked the elderly guard if he wanted to call his supervisor before I call my company to get an override?
Ever notice? It is all in how you ask the question. If you say (even on the phone), "You don't want me to give out an empty trailer, do you? " the response will be "no, I do not."
I wonder what would happen if the guard began the call, "Hey, I have a driver down here, sent by her company, we have a few extras, do you mind if I assign her one?"
He thanked me when I walked away empty-handed for not being nasty to him, like other driver before me have been. What a funny thing to thank me for. My reply, "Life is too short, This won't matter in 5 minutes, so why stress on the petty stuff? We are both just doing our jobs."
This left me bobtail, to drive another 60 miles to the next place there "might be" a trailer. Can you picture the scene? I am driving a 17 feet, 10 wheel tractor instead of a 70 ft, 18 wheeled monster. It is akin to a mudslinging 4x4 truck!
I was free to be fully present on my meandering path through some of the very most exquisite true Americanna Ohio farmlands on a Saturday in July that one could imagine! Red checkered picnic tables, fishing poles, hounds in pickups with antique plates, cornfields that if you are in a dip, they appear higher than the 2 story farm house.... the barn three times the size of the house. Winding trains rumble adjacent to farmlands crisscrossed by combines and hay bales. I smile with appreciation at the motorcyclists I pass along the way.
It's not that I don't care. It's that I am not in control of my day. And what a relief! I am going where I am sent, and open to whatever the response is of the person in charge. Here I am, Lord, what do you have for me today?
I have chosen to turn on a minimum of radio. I got my ritual phone calls out of the way early. I am soaking in every single second, literally every clean, open air breath with gratitude, love, and enjoyment of being alive and able to travel for a living. What a gift!
One other thought for today? July 30th would have been my 26th wedding anniversary. Instead, it is the 11th anniversary of my divorce. I am actually grateful for both occurences and feel pleasure and the blessings from each of them. Today is simply a current day in a very full and rewarding life.
When I am asked loaded or empty? I realise they mean my trailer. Does it have a payload of cargo, or am I getting one put on?
When I ask myself "loaded or empty?". The answer is a resounding LOADED to the rim with BLESSINGS and gratitude!
Enjoying central USA,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Instead, I have been sent on a wild goose chase in a 100 miles radius looking for an empty trailer. If a place has them? They won't surrender it. If I am sent to pick up a load? I needed to bring an empty. At one guard shack I asked the elderly guard if he wanted to call his supervisor before I call my company to get an override?
Ever notice? It is all in how you ask the question. If you say (even on the phone), "You don't want me to give out an empty trailer, do you? " the response will be "no, I do not."
I wonder what would happen if the guard began the call, "Hey, I have a driver down here, sent by her company, we have a few extras, do you mind if I assign her one?"
He thanked me when I walked away empty-handed for not being nasty to him, like other driver before me have been. What a funny thing to thank me for. My reply, "Life is too short, This won't matter in 5 minutes, so why stress on the petty stuff? We are both just doing our jobs."
This left me bobtail, to drive another 60 miles to the next place there "might be" a trailer. Can you picture the scene? I am driving a 17 feet, 10 wheel tractor instead of a 70 ft, 18 wheeled monster. It is akin to a mudslinging 4x4 truck!
I was free to be fully present on my meandering path through some of the very most exquisite true Americanna Ohio farmlands on a Saturday in July that one could imagine! Red checkered picnic tables, fishing poles, hounds in pickups with antique plates, cornfields that if you are in a dip, they appear higher than the 2 story farm house.... the barn three times the size of the house. Winding trains rumble adjacent to farmlands crisscrossed by combines and hay bales. I smile with appreciation at the motorcyclists I pass along the way.
It's not that I don't care. It's that I am not in control of my day. And what a relief! I am going where I am sent, and open to whatever the response is of the person in charge. Here I am, Lord, what do you have for me today?
I have chosen to turn on a minimum of radio. I got my ritual phone calls out of the way early. I am soaking in every single second, literally every clean, open air breath with gratitude, love, and enjoyment of being alive and able to travel for a living. What a gift!
One other thought for today? July 30th would have been my 26th wedding anniversary. Instead, it is the 11th anniversary of my divorce. I am actually grateful for both occurences and feel pleasure and the blessings from each of them. Today is simply a current day in a very full and rewarding life.
When I am asked loaded or empty? I realise they mean my trailer. Does it have a payload of cargo, or am I getting one put on?
When I ask myself "loaded or empty?". The answer is a resounding LOADED to the rim with BLESSINGS and gratitude!
Enjoying central USA,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Crawl Before You Run
This past weekend God blessed me in an abundance. At 11:26am, July 7, 2011 my youngest daughter, Alisha, gave birth to my second grandson, Terran Johnson. They live in Pueblo, Colorado some 2,000 miles from where I park my car in South Florida.
From Alisha's high school graduation until some point of 2010 we were estranged. There were years I did not know where she lived, how she was doing, or any communications at all. In travelling with my job, I literally drove through her town and did not have an inkling we were within the same state.
2010 marked the beginnings of a season I named Reunion, Reconcilliation, Reconnection. In October 2010, I was invited to fly to Colorado to meet my first grandson, Jeremiah. He was already 7 months old at that time, and my daughter was 21 years old.
It has been said, do not judge another until you walk a mile in their shoes. I choose not to judge at all. I do not judge my daughter or her family. I am learning to judge myself less. I am blessed to be aware, to make choices, and to align myself with precious men and women of a like faith. I have assembled a list of warriors who do not judge me, rather they encourage, nurture, love and inspire me. Humbling progress in all aspects of my Journey, I am buzzing with enthusiasm with every beep of my heart.
Also, I come from a very fervent belief in God and his attributes. It has only been in the past year, though, that I allowed the truths to extend to myself and radiate outward to others. Things like love, gratitude, forgiveness. I knew the words. I practiced them in a limited, case by case way. I did not fully appreciate the literal meaning, nor did I live it in thought, word, or deed. A lot of time has gone by, walking in a fog of pain and missed moments. That time will not return to me, no matter how I dwell on it. Today, however, is here and I embrace it. Fully exploring and employing love, gratitude, and forgiveness, I choose to go ahead into the future with new optimism and creative purpose.
This recent trip to see my family in Colorado was amazing. New births and new beginnings to be celebrated. Connecting dots with all my senses. Exchanging hugs, sharing meals, heartwarming talks from deep within us, my daughter and I bonded again.
Wonderous gifts to be given, I was allowed the privilege of dressing newborn infant Terran and wrapping him in a swaddling blanket, I placed him in his mother's arms to be nursed before going home, I was able to breathe his sweetness in during his FIRST 24 HOURS on this earth. I accompanied them in the elevator as they left the hospital and helped adjust the buckles securing his carseat for their ride home to his daddy and brother. Tender moments that only come once in a lifetime.
Playing with 16 month old Jeremiah and enjoying his childhood developments made this NanaJ very happy and warm inside. I think of it as going to the fuel pumps and turning the pump to *on*, setting the nozzle to run full speed, and leaving it in the tank until it clicks when capacity has been reached. My "love tank" has received an infilling, for that I am so grateful.
Yet, I saw the new baby an estimated 4 hours, and Jeremiah perhaps 3 hours in a time period of 48 hours. There is still progress to be made in reconcilliation with Alisha's husband. The relationship with my daughter improves with every text, phone call, email, or visit, but it is a process that is unfolding over time and careful nurturing on all parts.
I have people in my corner that are offended by how little I was able to see my family. When you look at numbers? In black and white, the money and time resources spent to travel and visit do not have a reasonable return in the opposite column on the chart.
What is important to note? I AM BLESSED! I AM GRATEFUL. I SEE PROGRESS. I EXCHANGE LOVE, GRATITUDE, AND FORGIVENESS IN A FLOW IN AND OUT OF ME.
So while I did not stay in their home, or spend full days inside of their world? While we met at hospitals, motels and resteraunts and had to go out to shop or hang out? I very much consider this trip a resounding success! We made inroads into reconcilliation. Alisha and I discussed potential offers for how her husband Tony and I might connect in the future.
I am asking my friends to not see this as time or money wasted. Do not be indignant on my behalf. Celebrate progress with me. Moments seized and enjoyed to their fullest, just as they presented themselves.
Jeremiah had to learn something important. Terran will follow in his time. God will facilitate the future. The lesson to be gleaned here? Is to crawl before walking. Walk before running.
From zero communication with this branch of my immediate family, to crawling by long distance communications, to walking long months between visits for a few hours of tank refilling, to possible future of running around for days I am very grateful and pleased to chart our progress.
For now? I am content to crawl and take tentaive steps. Every time we reach out, we let go of the edge and gain our balance, preparing for that next step. I am so blessed and so very, very grateful for this gift of opportunity.
Thank you to God for all source. Thank you to my friends and family for support and prayers. Thank you to Alisha for sharing this chapter of life with your family. Thank you to me for working through the process and for being open to healing and new life of all kinds.
Pacing myself,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
From Alisha's high school graduation until some point of 2010 we were estranged. There were years I did not know where she lived, how she was doing, or any communications at all. In travelling with my job, I literally drove through her town and did not have an inkling we were within the same state.
2010 marked the beginnings of a season I named Reunion, Reconcilliation, Reconnection. In October 2010, I was invited to fly to Colorado to meet my first grandson, Jeremiah. He was already 7 months old at that time, and my daughter was 21 years old.
It has been said, do not judge another until you walk a mile in their shoes. I choose not to judge at all. I do not judge my daughter or her family. I am learning to judge myself less. I am blessed to be aware, to make choices, and to align myself with precious men and women of a like faith. I have assembled a list of warriors who do not judge me, rather they encourage, nurture, love and inspire me. Humbling progress in all aspects of my Journey, I am buzzing with enthusiasm with every beep of my heart.
Also, I come from a very fervent belief in God and his attributes. It has only been in the past year, though, that I allowed the truths to extend to myself and radiate outward to others. Things like love, gratitude, forgiveness. I knew the words. I practiced them in a limited, case by case way. I did not fully appreciate the literal meaning, nor did I live it in thought, word, or deed. A lot of time has gone by, walking in a fog of pain and missed moments. That time will not return to me, no matter how I dwell on it. Today, however, is here and I embrace it. Fully exploring and employing love, gratitude, and forgiveness, I choose to go ahead into the future with new optimism and creative purpose.
This recent trip to see my family in Colorado was amazing. New births and new beginnings to be celebrated. Connecting dots with all my senses. Exchanging hugs, sharing meals, heartwarming talks from deep within us, my daughter and I bonded again.
Wonderous gifts to be given, I was allowed the privilege of dressing newborn infant Terran and wrapping him in a swaddling blanket, I placed him in his mother's arms to be nursed before going home, I was able to breathe his sweetness in during his FIRST 24 HOURS on this earth. I accompanied them in the elevator as they left the hospital and helped adjust the buckles securing his carseat for their ride home to his daddy and brother. Tender moments that only come once in a lifetime.
Playing with 16 month old Jeremiah and enjoying his childhood developments made this NanaJ very happy and warm inside. I think of it as going to the fuel pumps and turning the pump to *on*, setting the nozzle to run full speed, and leaving it in the tank until it clicks when capacity has been reached. My "love tank" has received an infilling, for that I am so grateful.
Yet, I saw the new baby an estimated 4 hours, and Jeremiah perhaps 3 hours in a time period of 48 hours. There is still progress to be made in reconcilliation with Alisha's husband. The relationship with my daughter improves with every text, phone call, email, or visit, but it is a process that is unfolding over time and careful nurturing on all parts.
I have people in my corner that are offended by how little I was able to see my family. When you look at numbers? In black and white, the money and time resources spent to travel and visit do not have a reasonable return in the opposite column on the chart.
What is important to note? I AM BLESSED! I AM GRATEFUL. I SEE PROGRESS. I EXCHANGE LOVE, GRATITUDE, AND FORGIVENESS IN A FLOW IN AND OUT OF ME.
So while I did not stay in their home, or spend full days inside of their world? While we met at hospitals, motels and resteraunts and had to go out to shop or hang out? I very much consider this trip a resounding success! We made inroads into reconcilliation. Alisha and I discussed potential offers for how her husband Tony and I might connect in the future.
I am asking my friends to not see this as time or money wasted. Do not be indignant on my behalf. Celebrate progress with me. Moments seized and enjoyed to their fullest, just as they presented themselves.
Jeremiah had to learn something important. Terran will follow in his time. God will facilitate the future. The lesson to be gleaned here? Is to crawl before walking. Walk before running.
From zero communication with this branch of my immediate family, to crawling by long distance communications, to walking long months between visits for a few hours of tank refilling, to possible future of running around for days I am very grateful and pleased to chart our progress.
For now? I am content to crawl and take tentaive steps. Every time we reach out, we let go of the edge and gain our balance, preparing for that next step. I am so blessed and so very, very grateful for this gift of opportunity.
Thank you to God for all source. Thank you to my friends and family for support and prayers. Thank you to Alisha for sharing this chapter of life with your family. Thank you to me for working through the process and for being open to healing and new life of all kinds.
Pacing myself,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Saturday, July 2, 2011
A Gift To Be Fully Present
Lately I have kept a grueling schedule. This has enabled me to traverse old friends of familiar interstates heading from South Florida, up and over to the Southwest over to Texas, turning northerly to Oklahoma, and back across I-40 in Arkansas, to Memphis, then US 78 through Mississippi to Alabama. Today I am a bit melancholy and tired.
Being deep in my head is common after spending any length of time with my parents longer than it takes to leave a voicemail. I am always .... anyway. It was a gift to stop by today and spend 3 hours with them. Time that if I let it slip away, would not return again. This visit was okay.
Once I drove on to McDonough, GA (south of Atlanta) to deliver my load, I decided to stay over night, begin fresh in the morning the trip to South Carolina and back to Atlanta on Sunday. So I went next door to the receiver to an abandoned warehouse to park during a snarling summer thunderboomer.
Enjoying WREK 91.9 Jazz radio, I even discovered I could download an APP on my new Sprint EVO 4G that streams this station and 4, 999 others. It was funny hearing the radio, and streaming a few seconds behind. Like dueling banjos. Saturday night programming here is amazing jazz, swing, Dixie...etc. Almost no talk or vocals at all. Ahhhhh yes, MY kind of music. Giving in to the swing...
Decided to go for a barefoot walk along the grass skirts. Talk about FULLY PRESENT? The feel of the squishy, soft grass. The slight dampness. The roll of the foot reminds me how fearfully and wonderfully human beings are created to be. I stepped onto the pavement just to feel the texture difference. Still almost warm, gritty, smooth, sandy...
Ended up at one end of the building, out of earshot of the truck radio. There I stopped and did what I have needed to do for a WEEK.
B-R-E-A-T-H-E.
For the sheer pleasure of being able to do so. For inspiration. For clearing.
Eyes closed, deep, full, long, slow breaths. Giving myself the gift of nothing more pressing on my duty than following my breath.
It always touches my tender heart when I give in to this basic need of breathing on purpose and I discover the world underneath it all. The 2 or 3 hot rain drops on my face. The birds are different in the pines to my left, than they are in the oaks to my right. It is dusk, and the cicadas are stirring a concert among the woods. The occasional burping of thunder, off in the distance teasing a parched Atlanta.
The feel of the ground beneath me. The bizz of electricity along a guide wire. The breeze that stirs my hair, tickles, and cools my arms and legs.The yap of a dog, some neighborhood away through the trees. The sticky humidity and drying sweat.
In the last two days I have had phone calls with both of my daughters. I estimate 2 1/2 hours of talk time. Texting, emails. That's in addition to the round I made to the people I mentor and support. I'm used to spending holidays working, and even prefer that than to sit around alone. Yes, once upon a time, it was family .... now, it is quiet of voices and laughter.
This is why it meant so much to me to be Fully Present with the ambient love of God in all He has created and sent my way today, in this exact moment.
As I got closer to my truck, I recognized the music was a trombone soloist scatting on his horn. I do not miss my ex husband Ole in the slightest. What I do fondly remember is that our home ALWAYS had the sounds of music in it. Ole riffing on his trombone was how he relaxed after his work day. He came home, made the rounds, took off his shoes, and before he turned on the TV or Nintendo, he made love to that trombone of his.
I play as well and there was a time it was a duet. The girls can pick up any instrument and within moments be carrying along with their daddy. Or they would sing with his playing.
That kind of moment is what I long for when I think of "home" and family. Sharing love of each other through laughter, song, impromptu dance, and inspiration.
It was Paul Rutherfords, "Tetrology" that was playing. In the back ground, you could hear the echo... it sounded familiar. Again, an Ahhhh of a beloved memory. The wooden practice rooms or stages, always alight with the hum and cacaphony of instruments warming up and tuning, never quite together, just a NOISE that was beautiful in its necessary reality.
And I miss that.
When the radio timed out, I didn't renew it. I had turned ol' Andy Android off before my walk. I am sitting doors and windows of my truck home open, listening to the birds banter and the thunder rumble around me. Feeling a bit of apprehension noticing the miniscule spider swinging on its silk in the passenger window.
This half hour or so of deliberately breathing, in, out, and sending the white healing air to my aching tense spots, and exhaling the dusky mess of pain and inner blues out has relaxed me. The walk back to my truck was slow and rambling, the grass still squishy underfoot.
If tomorrow comes? It will be a new day with no mistakes in it. There will be an opportunity to seize the day and hit it balls to the wall.
Tonight? I breathe in. I breathe out. And I smile, fully present. I am full of gratitude and love and have exercised forgiveness of myself and others. It has been a good week. And thus it closes, and a new one sits before me.
Soaking in the moment,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Being deep in my head is common after spending any length of time with my parents longer than it takes to leave a voicemail. I am always .... anyway. It was a gift to stop by today and spend 3 hours with them. Time that if I let it slip away, would not return again. This visit was okay.
Once I drove on to McDonough, GA (south of Atlanta) to deliver my load, I decided to stay over night, begin fresh in the morning the trip to South Carolina and back to Atlanta on Sunday. So I went next door to the receiver to an abandoned warehouse to park during a snarling summer thunderboomer.
Enjoying WREK 91.9 Jazz radio, I even discovered I could download an APP on my new Sprint EVO 4G that streams this station and 4, 999 others. It was funny hearing the radio, and streaming a few seconds behind. Like dueling banjos. Saturday night programming here is amazing jazz, swing, Dixie...etc. Almost no talk or vocals at all. Ahhhhh yes, MY kind of music. Giving in to the swing...
Decided to go for a barefoot walk along the grass skirts. Talk about FULLY PRESENT? The feel of the squishy, soft grass. The slight dampness. The roll of the foot reminds me how fearfully and wonderfully human beings are created to be. I stepped onto the pavement just to feel the texture difference. Still almost warm, gritty, smooth, sandy...
Ended up at one end of the building, out of earshot of the truck radio. There I stopped and did what I have needed to do for a WEEK.
B-R-E-A-T-H-E.
For the sheer pleasure of being able to do so. For inspiration. For clearing.
Eyes closed, deep, full, long, slow breaths. Giving myself the gift of nothing more pressing on my duty than following my breath.
It always touches my tender heart when I give in to this basic need of breathing on purpose and I discover the world underneath it all. The 2 or 3 hot rain drops on my face. The birds are different in the pines to my left, than they are in the oaks to my right. It is dusk, and the cicadas are stirring a concert among the woods. The occasional burping of thunder, off in the distance teasing a parched Atlanta.
The feel of the ground beneath me. The bizz of electricity along a guide wire. The breeze that stirs my hair, tickles, and cools my arms and legs.The yap of a dog, some neighborhood away through the trees. The sticky humidity and drying sweat.
In the last two days I have had phone calls with both of my daughters. I estimate 2 1/2 hours of talk time. Texting, emails. That's in addition to the round I made to the people I mentor and support. I'm used to spending holidays working, and even prefer that than to sit around alone. Yes, once upon a time, it was family .... now, it is quiet of voices and laughter.
This is why it meant so much to me to be Fully Present with the ambient love of God in all He has created and sent my way today, in this exact moment.
As I got closer to my truck, I recognized the music was a trombone soloist scatting on his horn. I do not miss my ex husband Ole in the slightest. What I do fondly remember is that our home ALWAYS had the sounds of music in it. Ole riffing on his trombone was how he relaxed after his work day. He came home, made the rounds, took off his shoes, and before he turned on the TV or Nintendo, he made love to that trombone of his.
I play as well and there was a time it was a duet. The girls can pick up any instrument and within moments be carrying along with their daddy. Or they would sing with his playing.
That kind of moment is what I long for when I think of "home" and family. Sharing love of each other through laughter, song, impromptu dance, and inspiration.
It was Paul Rutherfords, "Tetrology" that was playing. In the back ground, you could hear the echo... it sounded familiar. Again, an Ahhhh of a beloved memory. The wooden practice rooms or stages, always alight with the hum and cacaphony of instruments warming up and tuning, never quite together, just a NOISE that was beautiful in its necessary reality.
And I miss that.
When the radio timed out, I didn't renew it. I had turned ol' Andy Android off before my walk. I am sitting doors and windows of my truck home open, listening to the birds banter and the thunder rumble around me. Feeling a bit of apprehension noticing the miniscule spider swinging on its silk in the passenger window.
This half hour or so of deliberately breathing, in, out, and sending the white healing air to my aching tense spots, and exhaling the dusky mess of pain and inner blues out has relaxed me. The walk back to my truck was slow and rambling, the grass still squishy underfoot.
If tomorrow comes? It will be a new day with no mistakes in it. There will be an opportunity to seize the day and hit it balls to the wall.
Tonight? I breathe in. I breathe out. And I smile, fully present. I am full of gratitude and love and have exercised forgiveness of myself and others. It has been a good week. And thus it closes, and a new one sits before me.
Soaking in the moment,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Life As A Highway
This has already been an exciting month of new opportunities, gifts, revelations, prophecies, and chances. With half of June 2011 still ahead, I am charged with enthusiasm to see what is around the next bend of my Life's road.
Sometimes such great shifts brings friction. The ways I noticed it this month were both in subtle nudges and outright cacaphony. New directions offer new relationship posssibilities. It also gives me a chance to reevaluate my current address book. Often, I get distracted or on a roll, and I forget to take care of my body's physical, emotional, or spiritual needs. When this happens, my batteries run low and weird bells and whistles begin to clamor for attention.
In some ways, my paths are becoming more defined than they ever have before. This time, I am shaping my direction purposefully and with creative power. Every now and then, I still get alarmed by how fast the ball rolls and the debris it picks up along the way. Learning balance. Beginning with a chuckle that echoes in my quiet truck, I rumble from deep in my tummy a laugh that bubbles up and out of me. Balance is not a new word for me to say I long for that quality. Equilibrium. I don't mean status quo, but I do desire to find myself encouraged about moving on and up.
My new picture of where I am heading in the near future, has me leaning alot on a core group of people that I culled my list to at the end of 2010. I kept and nurtured "safe people". Men and women that inspire, encourage, love, and assist me to reaching my goals and optimal health in all ways. With everything I have within me I pray and bless this set of friends and loved ones. I cherish and appreciate the nurture sown into me. You are a patient and kind bunch of people!
Perhaps I need to take an "alignment break" and get some things on the right track again. My health, my focus, my emotions, my spiritual pursuits all need fervent TLC from me. I do not want to stall on a hill though. I want to maximize the momentum, and have some guidance on my course. Deliberately choose how I feel, perceive, and react to all the fresh offerings of Life heading my way.
I took North Carolina and Virgina state roads in my semi truck today. It was challenging. But do-able. And in a strange source, I found a peaceful balm to my jangled nerves and wounds. During a particular shady, treelined portion of Route 58/ 360 in Virginia I suddenly felt as if God himself overshadowed me. I felt in the presence of His peace and love and mercy. As the verdant hillsides rolled and turned, I settled into the rhythm and found myself at One.
This alone is enough respite to help me rest easy tonight in my dreams, and recharge my body for tomorrow's adventures, wherever my road may lead me next. Am I healed of all pain of all kinds? No. But I know I might be there any minute.
Moving along on Life's Highway,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Friday, June 3, 2011
Reaching For The Center Of The Mark
Loving God, loving people. That's the Center Of The Mark.
The last weeks have been full of changes in a GREAT way. Many of the puzzle pieces of my life have been turning, gently sliding into alignment. It's amazing how seamlessly this happens when I get "me" out of the way and let God work.
New revelations have become clear. Great bursts of Intuition and clarity present themsleves when I am least expecting.
I am trying not to be afraid, as the acceleration is pushing on my chest and like a tailwind all at the same time. I don't feel in a bind though, I feel exhilarated and aware of every nuance, every whisper, every shade of the pallet of God as he paints a Masterpiece in my soul.
Still, I am finding a need to get alone with God and seek Him.
As I go, I love others. I let love manifest to me as well. And I am staying open to the Change and Course God would have me to take. The Lion within is letting loose with a major ROAR, while the lamb that sits in the center of my being is submitting to the ministrations of the Shepherd. Healing is taking place, strength is being imparted, nurture is flowing like a river.
Humbly,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
The last weeks have been full of changes in a GREAT way. Many of the puzzle pieces of my life have been turning, gently sliding into alignment. It's amazing how seamlessly this happens when I get "me" out of the way and let God work.
New revelations have become clear. Great bursts of Intuition and clarity present themsleves when I am least expecting.
I am trying not to be afraid, as the acceleration is pushing on my chest and like a tailwind all at the same time. I don't feel in a bind though, I feel exhilarated and aware of every nuance, every whisper, every shade of the pallet of God as he paints a Masterpiece in my soul.
Still, I am finding a need to get alone with God and seek Him.
As I go, I love others. I let love manifest to me as well. And I am staying open to the Change and Course God would have me to take. The Lion within is letting loose with a major ROAR, while the lamb that sits in the center of my being is submitting to the ministrations of the Shepherd. Healing is taking place, strength is being imparted, nurture is flowing like a river.
Humbly,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Friday, May 27, 2011
When I Don't Know What To Say....
..... it doesn't mean I have it all together or am at peace.
Although, that being the gut honesty of it all? I am still kicking furiously to stay afloat. So far, it is working. I am here again today.
Until yesterday, I had been thoroughly enjoying a season of peace, quiet, blessings, and gratitude. I had begun to test out the ideas of letting love in or out of me. Concerned now that I had grown lulled and complacent, I trusted "Life" with too much of me. Will I ever learn? Seems not.
Yesterday I was assailed boom - boom- BOOM with input. JCT/ HAEI/ Stevens/ FFE ,,,, and JayJ.
Yeah, that's right. THAT JayJ.
Finally, I had taken all the hits I could absorb, closed the books on a very troubled day. To unwind and try to let it all go, I drifted into the musical arms of Wayman Tisdale, smooth jazz.
However, when I went to bed after a long day at work, I had a physical ache in my chest. Uncertainties, memories, fears,,, in the middle of the night, I found myself rubbing my breastbone in great pain of an old broken bone. I remembered a recent time when breathing was dangerous to my concealment, painful to my body, and not anything I wanted to continue,,, but like an ocean's tide it kept coming in, going out, coming in, going out. I could only hold it back for so long, and the pent up fury of release was often more effort than if I had just let it be. I know the terrors to be Mind Monsters, and I know I "failed" to take away their teeth. Tired smile here.
Aware that opportunities present themselves when least expected, they may come with a tinge of fear. That fear can be healthy, if it is just a sign that I am straining to stay with the Known. I am well-acquainted with that kind of propulsion fuel to move into new dimensions and unchartered Possibilities.
This Present Fear is a forfeiture of my safety in the physical or emotional. I am being hunted like an animal. A strong word for that is stalked, and here I go again, making excuses for being here in the first place.
Today, the Present, I am stopped at a dead standstill. I admit it, I use work to numb me out, and just keep going. Often, it's easier to apply the 20 minute, 20 year rule that way. Truck drivers earn money by miles driven, not sitting due to poor driver utilization. Yes, I think too much, too deep 24/7 but it is extra hyperdrive when I am just sitting!
Then again, do I trust God as I think I do??? Does he have me in his view, his hands, and his plans? Or not? Days like today make me walk the talk . It IS NOT ABOUT THE MONEY!!! It's about sitting in BFE with nothing to do, no good reason to sit here, just GROUNDED like an errant child! Not because of truck or driver issues, but because my company failed to plan to use my truck and driver resources with any competency at all. The places I might visit on a day off are unavailable to my 70ft combination vehicle. I am just STUCK! And obviously I am grumpy about it!
I must say, even grouchy as I am today, God uses unusual media to whisper to my spirit. Text messages TODAY from a lady with 4 kids that has lost her job and is going though a divorce, puts me in my whiny place. I am blessed. Flip the coin, and JayJ texted me again and has inserted himself in my work and daily living to tell me where I should live, work, play.
Just when I am ready to turn my phone off to tune out the bad influences?
A Facebook friend and mentor, Matt Maddix, posts out of the blue "
I can hear the Verizon guy quipping "Can you hear me now????"
The surprising turn of events and contacts has me feeling like a bug must as his hiney goes through his ears as he hits my windshield. Amazing, how a mood can turn from top of the world, to fear or black mistrust of Life in a snap or a text.
I do have a choice, though. I can stay here. Or I can face this moment, just as it presents itself. Stay with it. Feel and experience it all. The trick is to not STAY there, in pain, but after identifying and processing it, to CHOOSE to shift and direct myself back to what inspires, heals, loves and nurtures me.
I really was believing and liking all the recent love and light and peace. This bad spot in the road can NOT be what is meant for me to accept. It can only be a lesson.
So when I do not know what to say? It is clear. It is time to say nothing at all. Thank you Matt Maddix (and 4year old Phoebe). I will be quiet in God.
Thank you, Tim Janis and Reno the feline teacher, I will be STILL and experience my Present Moment with all of my senses. I will enjoy God speaking to me with inaudible whispers of love and blessings.
I will CHOOSE to rest in God, in His safety, in his nourishment and seek Him while he may be found. Staying Present and open, malleable to the Potter.
I will leave my heart and mind open as fallow ground to the Master Gardener, weeding out the distractions and pain.
I will choose to forgive. Again, I will forgive again. Then I will let go. I do not have to stay here. I can make today to pop with potential and possibilities.
Thankful for the brave influences of those that speak THEIR truth, never knowing where it affects another by imitation or emulation.
Already, the ache in my chest is of releasing my held breath, exhaling out the dusty cloud of pain and fear, and of relief to have stayed the course. Love. Gratitude. Forgiveness.
When I don't know what to say? God knows.
Quiet, still, listening,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Although, that being the gut honesty of it all? I am still kicking furiously to stay afloat. So far, it is working. I am here again today.
Until yesterday, I had been thoroughly enjoying a season of peace, quiet, blessings, and gratitude. I had begun to test out the ideas of letting love in or out of me. Concerned now that I had grown lulled and complacent, I trusted "Life" with too much of me. Will I ever learn? Seems not.
Yesterday I was assailed boom - boom- BOOM with input. JCT/ HAEI/ Stevens/ FFE ,,,, and JayJ.
Yeah, that's right. THAT JayJ.
Finally, I had taken all the hits I could absorb, closed the books on a very troubled day. To unwind and try to let it all go, I drifted into the musical arms of Wayman Tisdale, smooth jazz.
However, when I went to bed after a long day at work, I had a physical ache in my chest. Uncertainties, memories, fears,,, in the middle of the night, I found myself rubbing my breastbone in great pain of an old broken bone. I remembered a recent time when breathing was dangerous to my concealment, painful to my body, and not anything I wanted to continue,,, but like an ocean's tide it kept coming in, going out, coming in, going out. I could only hold it back for so long, and the pent up fury of release was often more effort than if I had just let it be. I know the terrors to be Mind Monsters, and I know I "failed" to take away their teeth. Tired smile here.
Aware that opportunities present themselves when least expected, they may come with a tinge of fear. That fear can be healthy, if it is just a sign that I am straining to stay with the Known. I am well-acquainted with that kind of propulsion fuel to move into new dimensions and unchartered Possibilities.
This Present Fear is a forfeiture of my safety in the physical or emotional. I am being hunted like an animal. A strong word for that is stalked, and here I go again, making excuses for being here in the first place.
Today, the Present, I am stopped at a dead standstill. I admit it, I use work to numb me out, and just keep going. Often, it's easier to apply the 20 minute, 20 year rule that way. Truck drivers earn money by miles driven, not sitting due to poor driver utilization. Yes, I think too much, too deep 24/7 but it is extra hyperdrive when I am just sitting!
Then again, do I trust God as I think I do??? Does he have me in his view, his hands, and his plans? Or not? Days like today make me walk the talk . It IS NOT ABOUT THE MONEY!!! It's about sitting in BFE with nothing to do, no good reason to sit here, just GROUNDED like an errant child! Not because of truck or driver issues, but because my company failed to plan to use my truck and driver resources with any competency at all. The places I might visit on a day off are unavailable to my 70ft combination vehicle. I am just STUCK! And obviously I am grumpy about it!
I must say, even grouchy as I am today, God uses unusual media to whisper to my spirit. Text messages TODAY from a lady with 4 kids that has lost her job and is going though a divorce, puts me in my whiny place. I am blessed. Flip the coin, and JayJ texted me again and has inserted himself in my work and daily living to tell me where I should live, work, play.
Just when I am ready to turn my phone off to tune out the bad influences?
A Facebook friend and mentor, Matt Maddix, posts out of the blue "
I can hear the Verizon guy quipping "Can you hear me now????"
The surprising turn of events and contacts has me feeling like a bug must as his hiney goes through his ears as he hits my windshield. Amazing, how a mood can turn from top of the world, to fear or black mistrust of Life in a snap or a text.
I do have a choice, though. I can stay here. Or I can face this moment, just as it presents itself. Stay with it. Feel and experience it all. The trick is to not STAY there, in pain, but after identifying and processing it, to CHOOSE to shift and direct myself back to what inspires, heals, loves and nurtures me.
I really was believing and liking all the recent love and light and peace. This bad spot in the road can NOT be what is meant for me to accept. It can only be a lesson.
So when I do not know what to say? It is clear. It is time to say nothing at all. Thank you Matt Maddix (and 4year old Phoebe). I will be quiet in God.
Thank you, Tim Janis and Reno the feline teacher, I will be STILL and experience my Present Moment with all of my senses. I will enjoy God speaking to me with inaudible whispers of love and blessings.
I will CHOOSE to rest in God, in His safety, in his nourishment and seek Him while he may be found. Staying Present and open, malleable to the Potter.
I will leave my heart and mind open as fallow ground to the Master Gardener, weeding out the distractions and pain.
I will choose to forgive. Again, I will forgive again. Then I will let go. I do not have to stay here. I can make today to pop with potential and possibilities.
Thankful for the brave influences of those that speak THEIR truth, never knowing where it affects another by imitation or emulation.
Already, the ache in my chest is of releasing my held breath, exhaling out the dusty cloud of pain and fear, and of relief to have stayed the course. Love. Gratitude. Forgiveness.
When I don't know what to say? God knows.
Quiet, still, listening,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Thursday, May 26, 2011
When I Don't Know What To Say...
.... maybe nothing at all is best? Then, it all just dies with me.
Today was coming at me from all sides. I am winding down with Wayman Tisdale, smooth jazz. Something not many would understand. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8RtZXFhQ02U&NR=1
JCT/Stevens/ FFE/ HAEI/
JayJ
Out of the blue all approached me today in one form or another. Of them all? Yeah. JayJ .... what now. No sanctuary. It was all just a pretense of safety.
Just as freely as I have experienced love, light, and joy to flow, the clench in my chest, the remembered pain of the bone there, the mention of his name has closed the door and I am back in the cave of pain and darkness. The one where silence is my only hope of survival.
Blindsided. Just like old times.
I could ask why now? What does it matter? He is everywhere I go. And still claims me.
Suddenly weary, going straight to bed.
I wanted to believe. I really did.
If you can hear me now?
Dallas.
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Today was coming at me from all sides. I am winding down with Wayman Tisdale, smooth jazz. Something not many would understand. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8RtZXFhQ02U&NR=1
JCT/Stevens/ FFE/ HAEI/
JayJ
Out of the blue all approached me today in one form or another. Of them all? Yeah. JayJ .... what now. No sanctuary. It was all just a pretense of safety.
Just as freely as I have experienced love, light, and joy to flow, the clench in my chest, the remembered pain of the bone there, the mention of his name has closed the door and I am back in the cave of pain and darkness. The one where silence is my only hope of survival.
Blindsided. Just like old times.
I could ask why now? What does it matter? He is everywhere I go. And still claims me.
Suddenly weary, going straight to bed.
I wanted to believe. I really did.
If you can hear me now?
Dallas.
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Hot Florida Days, Cool Me
WOW!!! I have to say that again, WOW!!
Earlier this week, I received a very gracious invitation to drop by into a friend's Florida vacation and family get- together. I promptly used my word prowess to convince work that I needed the weekend off duty for a "family reunion". Truth :)
As a truck driver, miles to a destination are relative. Some I get paid to perform. Some I pay to execute. My excitement affects my overall mood. This weekend, I enjoyed a bonanza of reunions from the full out surprise, to the carefully established. I stayed with my best friend Friday, Saturday and today, but only got to sit down to share a meal and fellowship today. She was out of town all weekend herself, giving me free rein of her home. That's love.
At least one of each - the friend I saw 2 weeks ago. The friends I saw sometime so far this year. The friends I saw 10 years ago. The friends I saw 25 years ago. The family I had yet to meet. The internet connection I nurtured 5 years and finally met in person today.
Blessed with free lodging and respite, I based out these visits out of Osceola County. My friends and their families were primarily in Polk and Lake Counties. From laughter that hurt my sides and made my face red, to those precious moments that catch your breath and skip your heart's beat, to the body's overflow of a teardrop's course, I travelled 600 miles IN MY CAR in 3 days to too many loving arms to mention.
Over 300 miles in my truck on Friday, and 700 miles coming up in my semi on Monday. Whew, a bit daunting.
I go from solitude in my truck, to two weekends in a row of full out LOVE and embraces. I am a bit soggy and squishy in the love department right now. Like sleep hours, do you ever wish you could bank the hugs up for a starless night?
Ever notice? People want to bless you. One of the first things they think of is to feed you. And trust me, home cooked meals, fellowship, and camaraderie are gifts! But to see as many friends as I did in the past three days? It felt like a Progressive dinner. Everyone wants to feed me, and feels offended if you just ate. LOL. People are just sweet like that. And it comes in waves, and very grateful for every presentation of Life's generousities. The dry and lonely periods are just as certain as the open arms moments. That is just the give and take of Life. In my Dad's wisdom, "Some days are just better'n others."
Sunday night after the Grand Finale seafood dinner with my best friend and her 12 year old daughter, Morgan, I decided I would get more bang for my hours to drive home to Sunrise, FL and sleep in my truck tonight for a few hours before taking off to Birmingham, than if I tossed and fretted a few hours in the wonderful real bed at my BF house. This way, it is cooler driving (no car a/c), if I have car troubles, I have time to resolve them and not be late to work, and I think I can let my mental guard down at the end to REST better, knowing all I have to do is show up to work.
Sitting out by ponds, on patios and porches, by myself and with groups of people, extremely at ease and in my element, all five senses were innundated with the sensations of what one could only call "home". The crickets, owls, scented breezes, buzzing bugs, ebb and flow of conversations and of God- moments, cloud animals drifting, and Central Florida's omnipresent humidity just made the welcome of blanketing memories fill the tanks for the times ahead. Reminded of the oil lamps in the temples. Full, from the inside out, keep the lamps trimmed and burning.
Since many of the get togethers were of a "reunion" or meet and greet in nature, the same questions were asked over and over and over again. I could get tired of it. But, instead, I know that being a female truck driver holds a mystique, and it is my gift to the world to be able to put someone in the driver's seat to share my adventures and explorations. God gave me wings and wheels, I can pass it along. It is my joy to do so and I never weary of the questions and discoveries.
Last night though,surrounded in roomful of loving people, in a quiet moment where I was present, but it was not my turn to speak, I felt a peaceful knowing go through my marrow. No one asked me this one question all weekend, but I came away with a self-knowledge.
I am cool with me.
I am comfortable in my own skin.
I am WHOLE.
The recent years when I was unhappy or pressed down? That was the foreign land to me. My personal normal is to be ON FIRE for life and for God. To have been given multiple second chances? To have been demonstrated mercy and grace from God and his ambassadors here on the earthly realm? These love offerings fueled my resident fires.
At my lowest points in the past few years, I may have been nearly extiguished. A smoking flax He will not put out, nor will he break the tender, bruised reed. (paraphrased) But inside me smoldered my passions, my calling, the reason for it all!
To have been reborn and stirred anew is invigorating!
The days may be hot, but I am one cool lion. And I feel a serious R-O-A-R coming on. Lookout!
One provoked lamb,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
I tried to sum my heart's view point up on Facebook, but only those who were with me, get the full impact :Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Manifest
As we set out on this journey, Lets obey the call from the heart of God,
Let us Love at any cost, Draw back your bow let love go....
This week has been mellow in my attitudes and my work. Both have been slow to heat up. Not quite at a dead standstill, not running full tilt on high octane either. I attribute my laidback approach to my weekend of rest and of dancing. I expended pent up energies that were roiling inside my gut when I gave it up to God and got real with Him in my own personal way.
Tonight at work, it could be said things were not going very well? Low miles, therefore little pay. A late schedule to do the piddly run in, yet it ate up a full 16 hours. The pace was just turtle slow. Nothing was going wrong, it was just one of THOSE days.
May 17, 2011 is Alisha and Tony's 4th wedding anniversary. I also have spent time with friends talking about God, his love, his other attributes. My mind works in song, and today was a prime example as the old reliable tunes became soundtracks to my thoughts. Larry Graham's "One In A Million You" and "I Just Can't Stop Dancing", then Chicago "You're The Inspiration".
As I come to relax in God, to rest in Him, I have love coursing into me, through me, and pouring out of me in many forms. Inspiration. Meditation. Prayers. Gifts. Service. Family. Friends. Strangers.
At Pentecostals of Cooper City, with my close friends on Saturday, at Your Big Picture Cafe I had people coming to me with touch, embrace, laughter, tears, the kindest words, and concerns. If I knew reuniting was so rewarding, perhaps I wouldn't stay away as long, hahahah. Even people remote in location sent emails, texts, phone calls that can only be categorized as love offerings. Care. Concern. Respect. Honor. Affection. For every gift, I say THANK YOU! You have no idea how much these meant to me!
Then I particpated in THREE services on Sunday. Two of them were at my church. One at the Cafe. In each event, God made himself manifest. From visions, to revelations, to show of light and source, to strength and heat, to visible spiritual manifestations of Gifts of the Spirit I was just surrounded in the loving atmosphere by God working, moving, interacting with his Creation. I have been in a Discovery mode and it still creates awe and quietness to realize God in everything, everywhere, all-knowing, all-powerful.
Peace. That is a word that begins to express my state of being right now. Sated in Him. Hungry for the things of God, the mind of God, to be in His presence again, to abide there. I want to go higher, deeper, more fully into His plans and ways for me. I want to be more like Him.
Tonight, while my work day ran slow? It put me in the path of another driver. I was downloading the older song "Center Of The Mark" by 4Him, talking about letting love go, to others, letting love hit its mark, with God as the flow and source of all that is and will be. This driver kept yammering at me next door. Finally, I set it all down and turned to face him. He must be in my path for a reason?
As it unfolded? I cued up a YouTube video, and then read to him from a book. I gave him the book. At the beginning, I asked if he was a reader? He said no, but he had a lady friend that was. By the time I let him watch the video, and talked to him from the contents? He was saying he wants to read it for himself now, if I will still let him have a copy. He couldn't believe I was just going to GIVE HIM a copy, signed by the author. Just as it passed into his truck from mine? His bills were ready, and he was free to go. The dock door next to me stayed unoccupied the remainder of my PROTRACTED stay.
Timing. Willing hearts and spirits. Lives touched by God.
No, I did NOT have a bad day at work. I went to work today to meet the driver named Terry, and show God to him, through example of the love God pours into me, via a book that is a WORK OF HEART from a friend, inspired of God.
Terry from Virginia is a simple fellow. No explanation made to him, but I know that God was made manifest through simple acts of kindness and service. Just as I received in abundance all weekend. It made runnels through me, and right back out into the never ending stream of God's love, grace, tenderness, and mercy.
To end my long, very profitable God day, I am going to sit in grateful meditation and prayers listening to Tom Ameen on the piano. And give this day up to the cool night, andto the God that holds me in his hands.
Goodnight,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
The Center Of The Mark - 4 HIM
To Love God, love people
That's the center of the mark
In this life some things are bound to change
But one thing remains the same
We all need love
Time goes on, it moves like a hurricane
And through all the wind and rain
We all need love
As this world just keeps on turnin' round and round
There are treasures to be found
If we just let compassion lead the way
CHORUS
Draw back your bow, let love go
Shoot straight for the heart
With all of your might, set you sight
Take aim from the start
To love God, love people
That's the center of the mark
Every day, through what is and is to come
When all has been said and done
We all need love
So Jesus came, a gift from the heart of God
He gave us His life because
We all need love
And the love that death could not keep in the grave
Is alive in us today
So we must live to show the world the way
REPEAT CHORUS
BRIDGE
For the world is the target
And the arrow is the cross
As we set out on this journey
Lets obey the call from the heart of God
Let us Love at any cost
Draw back your bow let love go....
Let us Love at any cost, Draw back your bow let love go....
This week has been mellow in my attitudes and my work. Both have been slow to heat up. Not quite at a dead standstill, not running full tilt on high octane either. I attribute my laidback approach to my weekend of rest and of dancing. I expended pent up energies that were roiling inside my gut when I gave it up to God and got real with Him in my own personal way.
Tonight at work, it could be said things were not going very well? Low miles, therefore little pay. A late schedule to do the piddly run in, yet it ate up a full 16 hours. The pace was just turtle slow. Nothing was going wrong, it was just one of THOSE days.
May 17, 2011 is Alisha and Tony's 4th wedding anniversary. I also have spent time with friends talking about God, his love, his other attributes. My mind works in song, and today was a prime example as the old reliable tunes became soundtracks to my thoughts. Larry Graham's "One In A Million You" and "I Just Can't Stop Dancing", then Chicago "You're The Inspiration".
As I come to relax in God, to rest in Him, I have love coursing into me, through me, and pouring out of me in many forms. Inspiration. Meditation. Prayers. Gifts. Service. Family. Friends. Strangers.
At Pentecostals of Cooper City, with my close friends on Saturday, at Your Big Picture Cafe I had people coming to me with touch, embrace, laughter, tears, the kindest words, and concerns. If I knew reuniting was so rewarding, perhaps I wouldn't stay away as long, hahahah. Even people remote in location sent emails, texts, phone calls that can only be categorized as love offerings. Care. Concern. Respect. Honor. Affection. For every gift, I say THANK YOU! You have no idea how much these meant to me!
Then I particpated in THREE services on Sunday. Two of them were at my church. One at the Cafe. In each event, God made himself manifest. From visions, to revelations, to show of light and source, to strength and heat, to visible spiritual manifestations of Gifts of the Spirit I was just surrounded in the loving atmosphere by God working, moving, interacting with his Creation. I have been in a Discovery mode and it still creates awe and quietness to realize God in everything, everywhere, all-knowing, all-powerful.
Peace. That is a word that begins to express my state of being right now. Sated in Him. Hungry for the things of God, the mind of God, to be in His presence again, to abide there. I want to go higher, deeper, more fully into His plans and ways for me. I want to be more like Him.
Tonight, while my work day ran slow? It put me in the path of another driver. I was downloading the older song "Center Of The Mark" by 4Him, talking about letting love go, to others, letting love hit its mark, with God as the flow and source of all that is and will be. This driver kept yammering at me next door. Finally, I set it all down and turned to face him. He must be in my path for a reason?
As it unfolded? I cued up a YouTube video, and then read to him from a book. I gave him the book. At the beginning, I asked if he was a reader? He said no, but he had a lady friend that was. By the time I let him watch the video, and talked to him from the contents? He was saying he wants to read it for himself now, if I will still let him have a copy. He couldn't believe I was just going to GIVE HIM a copy, signed by the author. Just as it passed into his truck from mine? His bills were ready, and he was free to go. The dock door next to me stayed unoccupied the remainder of my PROTRACTED stay.
Timing. Willing hearts and spirits. Lives touched by God.
No, I did NOT have a bad day at work. I went to work today to meet the driver named Terry, and show God to him, through example of the love God pours into me, via a book that is a WORK OF HEART from a friend, inspired of God.
Terry from Virginia is a simple fellow. No explanation made to him, but I know that God was made manifest through simple acts of kindness and service. Just as I received in abundance all weekend. It made runnels through me, and right back out into the never ending stream of God's love, grace, tenderness, and mercy.
To end my long, very profitable God day, I am going to sit in grateful meditation and prayers listening to Tom Ameen on the piano. And give this day up to the cool night, andto the God that holds me in his hands.
Goodnight,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
The Center Of The Mark - 4 HIM
To Love God, love people
That's the center of the mark
In this life some things are bound to change
But one thing remains the same
We all need love
Time goes on, it moves like a hurricane
And through all the wind and rain
We all need love
As this world just keeps on turnin' round and round
There are treasures to be found
If we just let compassion lead the way
CHORUS
Draw back your bow, let love go
Shoot straight for the heart
With all of your might, set you sight
Take aim from the start
To love God, love people
That's the center of the mark
Every day, through what is and is to come
When all has been said and done
We all need love
So Jesus came, a gift from the heart of God
He gave us His life because
We all need love
And the love that death could not keep in the grave
Is alive in us today
So we must live to show the world the way
REPEAT CHORUS
BRIDGE
For the world is the target
And the arrow is the cross
As we set out on this journey
Lets obey the call from the heart of God
Let us Love at any cost
Draw back your bow let love go....
Friday, May 13, 2011
I Figured It Out
What is "it"?
Driving to a real, honest to goodness, true two day weekend off in an area where I am loved, nurtured, stimulated, accepted, welcomed and the closest to "home" this weary Road Warrior has ever felt, I was hit by a realization. Okay, a few realizations! I quickly proclaimed one of them to a dear friend, knowing he would hear my YOP and KNOW what I meant instantly!
DANCE! DANCE! DANCE!
I also made a serious attempt to call, email, text and reach out to my list of friends, family, those that I mentor, to my work.... to all I could think of to be sure we are cool. I wanted to make sure there are no hard feelings, no pressing needs, and that all my loved ones know EXACTLY how I love them dearly.
It was hidden among the stuff of life. The peace and rest my soul is so gravely in need of. Some of the phone calls were funny. Some poignant. Some were mere duty. A couple of them really lifted me higher and helped right my sailboat. For this last? I thank you Angel and Nanci. You two helped me find perspective and balance tonight. Very grateful and loved right now.
Arriving at my Sunrise delivery two full hours EARLY, I am still bound to my truck until it is unloaded by the night shift. This is giving me time to listen to a cd that I adore by Tom Ameen. The cd is named "Inner Peace" and has titles such as "Reflections","First Steps", "Solace", "Truth", "The Journey", "The Road Home" and is a piano and electric violin collection that washes my soul clean of the dusty pigpen cloud of STUFF.
Blogger has been down a few days, and it is an ahhhhhhh feeling to just write loosely and surrender to the music and the magical healing powers my two outlets. With a sigh, bordering on an exhausted sob, I am finally at a stopping place. For the next two days, I get to "JUST BE" and relax into all God has for me, wherever that takes me, His timing.
This is not to say anything has been bad. I have just been pouring myself out in every way imaginable. When the truck stops rumbling beneath me, I seem to feel a rush even to get to bed, get to sleep, NOW, so I can get back up and back into the fray immediately. My waking moments, I am charging, expending. Work, people, solutions, improvements, go go go. And be sure, I am SO BLESSED to have a job I love, and people that look to me. I am but the least of these.
Anyway.... I have not shared this blog with my best friend. There is a private reason for that separation. Lately, I have been drawn closer to her again after a dry spell and when we connect, it is a balm to my heart, soul and mind. I think everyone has one or two, or a few people that they have history with. That they can simply relax into the moment and be grateful for a word, a look, a touch that bares no expectations or requirements, just be myself, in all of my strengths and weaknesses.
If I needed to sleep, undisturbed until I wake up? And if that takes a full weekend? I know I have that sanctuary with her. Sometimes, that Knowing is enough.
But by not sharing the blog, by us travelling different roads of Life, we needed at least the phone call we shared today. Forty minutes of OMG! You Go Girl, and ABSOLUTELY! How easy it is to relax into JUST BEING.
We caught up on the "days of our lives" and laughed, cried, loved. How beautiful to share that CONNECTION and I am so grateful for the technology and electronics that make miles and minutes melt away. I was lucky to spend a night at her house in this past month. Over the treasured seafood dinner, we sat near enough to touch, and I was able to express my heart regarding my Process, my search for my Passion, Purpose, my discoveries, and my healing. AWESOME!!! Heads inclined to one another, we shared testimonies and Life's Little Answers.
Tonight, when we discussed me, it was so I could vehemently declare that "I AM WHOLE"!!! I just realized that this past week!!!!! In the last quarter of 2010, I found my breath, made choices, and I was healed. In the recent transitions of my family going their separate ways more fully, I found release again.
It was during Angel's USF graduation that I noticed that I was a spectator, not a facilitator. I was invited, but not consulted. I was welcome, but not required. I was free to come and go as I will, and not check in. I was rewarded, but not responsible.
Until you have been in that moment? You have no idea how LIBERATING this was to me!!!! I will always be the ex-wife, Mom,, and Nana J, etc. Certainly, I am free to be my own person, and as long as I do not hurt another? I am free to try, to discover, to process, to accept, to fail, to triumph for MYSELF!
(Oh yes!!! "I AM"!!!! Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
Over the months of Process that writing, music, following my breath, praying, seeking, finding I have had such relief and feel such a release of the chains of traditions, prejudices, experiences that held me bound and subject for my life to this point.
AMAZING!!!
A life of prior conditioning had me under the cloud of the lie that I was less-than.... it is with observing the presents Life is setting before me, the courage to tug on the ribbon, and accepting what now sits before my wondering gaze, that I am trying new ways of taking great care of myself.
It is just me now. It is up to me to be good to myself. To honor and be grateful to my body. To take care of it. To love it, and meet its needs. That falls under health, nourishment, rest, exercise, and tender loving care by way of touch, and concern for my well-being. New grounds for me. I pray for patience to follow this course with gratitude and grace that has been placed before me.
There is a change in the air! An excitement! My Passionate Purpose is to teach! By obeying this, I am serving and giving to others in the full powers of my potential and abilities. I see new doors in the hallway. Eager to try a few. Asking for courage to walk in when the doorknob turns in my hand.
Ready now to observe a full two days of rest, recharge, restoration I am going to breathe in, then let go.
Let go of my worries. Let go of control. Let go of the past. Let go of what is no longer serving me. Let go of fears. Let go of prejudices. Let go of judgements. Let go of concern of what other think or want for me.
This is my life, my weekend. I am ready to seize the Present gratefully and prepare for the gifts the Future brings.
And dance.
Laugh.
Love.
Serve.
Sing.
Seek.
Discover.
Embarking in joy,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Driving to a real, honest to goodness, true two day weekend off in an area where I am loved, nurtured, stimulated, accepted, welcomed and the closest to "home" this weary Road Warrior has ever felt, I was hit by a realization. Okay, a few realizations! I quickly proclaimed one of them to a dear friend, knowing he would hear my YOP and KNOW what I meant instantly!
I NEED TO DANCE!!
DANCE FOR THE SHEER JOY OF BEING ALIVE!
WORSHIP TO GOD IN THE WAY HE CREATED ME.
EXPRESS MY LOVE FOR HIM!
I also made a serious attempt to call, email, text and reach out to my list of friends, family, those that I mentor, to my work.... to all I could think of to be sure we are cool. I wanted to make sure there are no hard feelings, no pressing needs, and that all my loved ones know EXACTLY how I love them dearly.
It was hidden among the stuff of life. The peace and rest my soul is so gravely in need of. Some of the phone calls were funny. Some poignant. Some were mere duty. A couple of them really lifted me higher and helped right my sailboat. For this last? I thank you Angel and Nanci. You two helped me find perspective and balance tonight. Very grateful and loved right now.
Arriving at my Sunrise delivery two full hours EARLY, I am still bound to my truck until it is unloaded by the night shift. This is giving me time to listen to a cd that I adore by Tom Ameen. The cd is named "Inner Peace" and has titles such as "Reflections","First Steps", "Solace", "Truth", "The Journey", "The Road Home" and is a piano and electric violin collection that washes my soul clean of the dusty pigpen cloud of STUFF.
Blogger has been down a few days, and it is an ahhhhhhh feeling to just write loosely and surrender to the music and the magical healing powers my two outlets. With a sigh, bordering on an exhausted sob, I am finally at a stopping place. For the next two days, I get to "JUST BE" and relax into all God has for me, wherever that takes me, His timing.
Perfect in its imperfection.
This is not to say anything has been bad. I have just been pouring myself out in every way imaginable. When the truck stops rumbling beneath me, I seem to feel a rush even to get to bed, get to sleep, NOW, so I can get back up and back into the fray immediately. My waking moments, I am charging, expending. Work, people, solutions, improvements, go go go. And be sure, I am SO BLESSED to have a job I love, and people that look to me. I am but the least of these.
Anyway.... I have not shared this blog with my best friend. There is a private reason for that separation. Lately, I have been drawn closer to her again after a dry spell and when we connect, it is a balm to my heart, soul and mind. I think everyone has one or two, or a few people that they have history with. That they can simply relax into the moment and be grateful for a word, a look, a touch that bares no expectations or requirements, just be myself, in all of my strengths and weaknesses.
If I needed to sleep, undisturbed until I wake up? And if that takes a full weekend? I know I have that sanctuary with her. Sometimes, that Knowing is enough.
But by not sharing the blog, by us travelling different roads of Life, we needed at least the phone call we shared today. Forty minutes of OMG! You Go Girl, and ABSOLUTELY! How easy it is to relax into JUST BEING.
We caught up on the "days of our lives" and laughed, cried, loved. How beautiful to share that CONNECTION and I am so grateful for the technology and electronics that make miles and minutes melt away. I was lucky to spend a night at her house in this past month. Over the treasured seafood dinner, we sat near enough to touch, and I was able to express my heart regarding my Process, my search for my Passion, Purpose, my discoveries, and my healing. AWESOME!!! Heads inclined to one another, we shared testimonies and Life's Little Answers.
Tonight, when we discussed me, it was so I could vehemently declare that "I AM WHOLE"!!! I just realized that this past week!!!!! In the last quarter of 2010, I found my breath, made choices, and I was healed. In the recent transitions of my family going their separate ways more fully, I found release again.
It was during Angel's USF graduation that I noticed that I was a spectator, not a facilitator. I was invited, but not consulted. I was welcome, but not required. I was free to come and go as I will, and not check in. I was rewarded, but not responsible.
Until you have been in that moment? You have no idea how LIBERATING this was to me!!!! I will always be the ex-wife, Mom,, and Nana J, etc. Certainly, I am free to be my own person, and as long as I do not hurt another? I am free to try, to discover, to process, to accept, to fail, to triumph for MYSELF!
I AM WHOLE!!!
(Oh yes!!! "I AM"!!!! Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
Over the months of Process that writing, music, following my breath, praying, seeking, finding I have had such relief and feel such a release of the chains of traditions, prejudices, experiences that held me bound and subject for my life to this point.
I AM FREE TO CHOOSE!!!
AMAZING!!!
A life of prior conditioning had me under the cloud of the lie that I was less-than.... it is with observing the presents Life is setting before me, the courage to tug on the ribbon, and accepting what now sits before my wondering gaze, that I am trying new ways of taking great care of myself.
It is just me now. It is up to me to be good to myself. To honor and be grateful to my body. To take care of it. To love it, and meet its needs. That falls under health, nourishment, rest, exercise, and tender loving care by way of touch, and concern for my well-being. New grounds for me. I pray for patience to follow this course with gratitude and grace that has been placed before me.
There is a change in the air! An excitement! My Passionate Purpose is to teach! By obeying this, I am serving and giving to others in the full powers of my potential and abilities. I see new doors in the hallway. Eager to try a few. Asking for courage to walk in when the doorknob turns in my hand.
Ready now to observe a full two days of rest, recharge, restoration I am going to breathe in, then let go.
Let go of my worries. Let go of control. Let go of the past. Let go of what is no longer serving me. Let go of fears. Let go of prejudices. Let go of judgements. Let go of concern of what other think or want for me.
This is my life, my weekend. I am ready to seize the Present gratefully and prepare for the gifts the Future brings.
And dance.
Laugh.
Love.
Serve.
Sing.
Seek.
Discover.
Embarking in joy,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Sunday, May 1, 2011
What An AWESOME Day Of Rest!
Today was finally THE day I had been hoping for! I have worked non-stop, no direct days off duty for several weeks in a row! I have been working out of my region, and been exposed to all the Southern storm ravaged areas, extreme fluctuations of weather, off the interstate driving (GREAT in a car or on motorcycle, VERY nerve racking in an 18 wheeler!!!), semi truck break downs, family stress and many more personal areas that just kept me weary and on edge. I had to give in to a few crying spells, and I spent alot of time alone in prayers, meditations and reflections.
TODAY, typically, a Sunday is a church day for me. This is critical to who I am. It is amazing to worship and share energy and testimony with a body of like believers! However, yes, I had this afternoon "off duty". But I drove 310 miles to get here under a load.
Finally! Set the brake on the Jacksonville Terminal yard about 2pm, bobtail, off duty until sometime Monday. I turned down more gig offers for today. I had a secret. I had an appointment for a MASSAGE!
WOW!!! Let me say it again, WOW! 90 minutes Swedish massage, specifically I requested a deeper, firmer touch. Lavendar aromatherapy, reflexology, with a large portion of the time focussing on my tight "driver muscle" areas of neck, shoulders, and lower back. Loved the scented oils slicked all over me, and the sensual, loving touch!!!
As a matter of fact? I loved it so much I bought MYSELF a Mother's Day gift. I prepaid for another 90 minute massage, with 3 elevations : Hot Stone Massage”, with our Hot-Towel/Cold Stone Face Massage and Sugar Foot Scrub, The gift she will remember forever, our Mom’s Melt Away which takes her away with a 90 minute massage and all 3 of our Elevations (listed above). Every Mother’s Day package features our Signature “Relax” Aromatherapy – a soothing blend of Lavender, Grapefruit, and Ylang Ylang.
I will make an appointment in the future to redeem this generous gift to myself. See? I am a mother. But I will be spending Mother's Day 2011 by myself. My two daughters will be reuniting in Colorado. What a WONDERFUL gift to this mother's heart to know that Uncle Michael, Angel, Alisha, and Jeremiah will be making headway along the Reunion, Reconcilliation, Reconnect pathways!!!! I could not be happier or more at peace!
At this point in my life, the time cycle has come full circle. I have family that are all about their own business. It is up to me to take care of my own needs, wants and desires. Thus, the gift of massage. If you know me, you know how hard the original decison to spend my money on myself is. Yet, I am pleased with my choice today!!! I deserve this time of paying someone to lovingly care for me and my body.
After I was limp and relaxed, I walked to a pond with a 2 fountains. There I sat in meditation pose, soft focus on the misty spray, soaking in the gentle 6pm North Florida sunlight, and enjoying a few birds walking around the shoreline. The next gift to me was a 40 minute phone call with my Angel.
Suddenly, I realized the new Madea movie was out, and I was in the plaza with a 20 screen theater. I jumped up and raced over. While in line for my ticket, I noticed the Fast and Furious Five!!! WOW!!! THAT WAS PERFECT!!! I got my adrenaline, humor, sexy men and FAST CARS fix!!! the auditorium was almost packed, and with a room full of strangers we travelled around the world and cheered on the cast we have grown to love over the years!!! WHAT A GREAT ADDITION TO MY JAN-DAY!!!
Now, I am relaxed, psyched, and ready to sleep deeply cuddled up next to my newest acqusition, a body pillow making its maiden snooze with me tonight.
Tomorrow may come, and will take care of itself. I spent several hours on myself, enjoying the revitalization that comes only from obeying "A Day Of Rest".
Peacefully smiling,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
TODAY, typically, a Sunday is a church day for me. This is critical to who I am. It is amazing to worship and share energy and testimony with a body of like believers! However, yes, I had this afternoon "off duty". But I drove 310 miles to get here under a load.
Finally! Set the brake on the Jacksonville Terminal yard about 2pm, bobtail, off duty until sometime Monday. I turned down more gig offers for today. I had a secret. I had an appointment for a MASSAGE!
WOW!!! Let me say it again, WOW! 90 minutes Swedish massage, specifically I requested a deeper, firmer touch. Lavendar aromatherapy, reflexology, with a large portion of the time focussing on my tight "driver muscle" areas of neck, shoulders, and lower back. Loved the scented oils slicked all over me, and the sensual, loving touch!!!
As a matter of fact? I loved it so much I bought MYSELF a Mother's Day gift. I prepaid for another 90 minute massage, with 3 elevations : Hot Stone Massage”, with our Hot-Towel/Cold Stone Face Massage and Sugar Foot Scrub, The gift she will remember forever, our Mom’s Melt Away which takes her away with a 90 minute massage and all 3 of our Elevations (listed above). Every Mother’s Day package features our Signature “Relax” Aromatherapy – a soothing blend of Lavender, Grapefruit, and Ylang Ylang.
I will make an appointment in the future to redeem this generous gift to myself. See? I am a mother. But I will be spending Mother's Day 2011 by myself. My two daughters will be reuniting in Colorado. What a WONDERFUL gift to this mother's heart to know that Uncle Michael, Angel, Alisha, and Jeremiah will be making headway along the Reunion, Reconcilliation, Reconnect pathways!!!! I could not be happier or more at peace!
At this point in my life, the time cycle has come full circle. I have family that are all about their own business. It is up to me to take care of my own needs, wants and desires. Thus, the gift of massage. If you know me, you know how hard the original decison to spend my money on myself is. Yet, I am pleased with my choice today!!! I deserve this time of paying someone to lovingly care for me and my body.
After I was limp and relaxed, I walked to a pond with a 2 fountains. There I sat in meditation pose, soft focus on the misty spray, soaking in the gentle 6pm North Florida sunlight, and enjoying a few birds walking around the shoreline. The next gift to me was a 40 minute phone call with my Angel.
Suddenly, I realized the new Madea movie was out, and I was in the plaza with a 20 screen theater. I jumped up and raced over. While in line for my ticket, I noticed the Fast and Furious Five!!! WOW!!! THAT WAS PERFECT!!! I got my adrenaline, humor, sexy men and FAST CARS fix!!! the auditorium was almost packed, and with a room full of strangers we travelled around the world and cheered on the cast we have grown to love over the years!!! WHAT A GREAT ADDITION TO MY JAN-DAY!!!
Now, I am relaxed, psyched, and ready to sleep deeply cuddled up next to my newest acqusition, a body pillow making its maiden snooze with me tonight.
Tomorrow may come, and will take care of itself. I spent several hours on myself, enjoying the revitalization that comes only from obeying "A Day Of Rest".
Peacefully smiling,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Saying YES, Let's Roll
In eight days, my oldest daughter will be graduating USF with a Bachelor's degree. Not sure what it is called. It is in Music and is a four year degree. She will be achieving this milestone with many honors, extra sashes, tassels, cords and acclaim. I am SO PROUD OF HER and can bust my buttons!
Her decision to graduate now with one complete degree is bittersweet. She has already invested an additional three years of year round classes towards a Bachelor's in American Sign Language Interpreting. She is dropping that program for the time being with only 10-12 credit hours left to completion. As her Mom? I am concerned that she has run up extra debt and may not ever make it back to finish the degree? Angel loved the work and found her niche in this world. The second degree is the one that she could become certified in to work in her field.
This is another chapter, though, that as her Mom, I am writing today, as I blog here. It is more of previous refrains of "letting go". Empty Nest occured with all of its storms and tearing assunder several years ago. Angel moved away to college May 2005. Alisha moved to live with her Dad and to attend college in May of 2006.
No stranger to letting people in and out of my life. Some of them, we are bound by blood ties. History. Sometimes we have a close bond that we developed past the familial links. Other instances, men and women come in, and like revolving doors, they exit. It may be a period of minutes? Or years? When I take inventory today, my truck is empty. My car sits idle. My belongings are in a storage unit that I am growing tired of paying to maintain.
As Angel's Mom, I am willing to dig in the pitons and provide her living expenses, share her financial burdens, and stand behind her so she can finish the degree while she is on a roll. As her Mom, I also have to accept that July 25, 2010 "a man shall leave his mother, a woman leave her home, and they shall travel on to where the two shall be as one." Angel and her husband Aaron made their decisons based on what they feel is right for them, for the current time. They didn't ask anyone to help. They made choices, set about making life course changes and then informed me of the way things were to be.
Angel and I share one of those extra bonds I mention. We are friends as well as mother daughter. It was a bit tense as she worked out the kinks in her newfound backbone when she "called to inform me". She phrased it in a way that made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up cold, "you can say what you like, but my decison is made and you will not be changing it." Very unusual for Angel or I to talk that way to one another. Bordering on disrespect.
The blessing is that the changes wrought in me in this past season, specifically this past year, prepared me to be able to absorb that attitude, and rock with it before responding. I am proud of myself. I took it in, and was able to divorce my emotions from my responses by telling myself "It's not personal. Be proud of Angel. Hear her out. Find ways to CELEBRATE her life, and do this NOW!!!"
A few people in my life's circle have given me HUGE gifts,,,, no judgements, forgiveness, tolerance, patience, and the proverbial arms to fall back on. Call it what you will. I have experienced so much unconditional "love" that has been acted out towards me as a person? The timing is everything. I was prepared to respond to Angel in her hour of need in kind. What a different outcome a year makes!!!!!!!!!! Grateful to my friends! The ones that love, care, respect and nuture the good in me.
Within the space of the extras breaths I took in during the initial phone call, I was able to shift and turn my daughter's news to accentuating the Positive. She hung up telling me she was relieved, she expected a different response. (I know, remember the hairs on the back of my neck? She almost got a different response, LOL.) It is cool to me that I was able to see that Angel felt SAFE with me, that she was trying her bravery out with the one person she feels safe to do so. She gave me a gift. And one day, she will be able to see that also.
Angel and Aaron - Alisha and Tony, their choices free me up to make choices for myself. Yeah, yeah, I will ALWAYS be the mom. But I make career and lifestyle choices based on what is authentic to me. Recently, Angel spoke to me, then wrote out an affirmation from her to me. She was acknowledging that "although she may not like somethings I do, and may have chosen differently for herself, her responsibility is to accept this as MY choice to make."
How quickly this gets mirrored back to a daughter who had a "growing up" revelation of the separation of mother- daughter-friend. Within a space of weeks, I was called to remember the wisdom from the mouths of babes and extend that same grace back to Angel as a reflection of the gift of light she shone towards me just a short time ago.
A wise friend, from a distant Time Zone and shoreline wrote months ago, and recently reiterated, "I have come to realize that everyone has a God and that I am not it." Now, this friend and I have not met in person. Funny how the people we align ourselves with via prayers, blessings, and gratitude can bring such moments of clarity, stillness and peace into a turbulent time, if only in my own thoughts. Then in a single shock of a phone call, I can pause, breathe and make a shift. Recent training prepared me. Her direction has tempered my subsequent communications with Angel over the last few weeks as we makes arrangements to have a Jubilee to CELEBRATE her milestones and life accomplishments.
As I make the conscious decison to let go of areas I have not actually had the controlling reins of in many years, I am feeling freedom. New spaces are opening up in my heart and mind. I feel the freedom. The power. The gift to CHOOSE how I respond to these changes that I was not ready for.
No one asked me if I was ready. That is not a common question when someone is going to leave. You don't often hear "Are you ready for me to leave and rock your world?" People just come and go and do what they feel is right for themselves at that moment. Even blindsided, it's up to me how I respond.
Today, weeks and months into a personal growth and trimming period? I am saying, "Let's Roll. What's next!?" This week alone has already handed me gifts of new and of old offerings revisited. Especially where my career is concerned. It seems I may be getting a second chance to try some things. I am scared. I am excited. I am ready now, in case you are asking.
Big grin,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Her decision to graduate now with one complete degree is bittersweet. She has already invested an additional three years of year round classes towards a Bachelor's in American Sign Language Interpreting. She is dropping that program for the time being with only 10-12 credit hours left to completion. As her Mom? I am concerned that she has run up extra debt and may not ever make it back to finish the degree? Angel loved the work and found her niche in this world. The second degree is the one that she could become certified in to work in her field.
This is another chapter, though, that as her Mom, I am writing today, as I blog here. It is more of previous refrains of "letting go". Empty Nest occured with all of its storms and tearing assunder several years ago. Angel moved away to college May 2005. Alisha moved to live with her Dad and to attend college in May of 2006.
No stranger to letting people in and out of my life. Some of them, we are bound by blood ties. History. Sometimes we have a close bond that we developed past the familial links. Other instances, men and women come in, and like revolving doors, they exit. It may be a period of minutes? Or years? When I take inventory today, my truck is empty. My car sits idle. My belongings are in a storage unit that I am growing tired of paying to maintain.
As Angel's Mom, I am willing to dig in the pitons and provide her living expenses, share her financial burdens, and stand behind her so she can finish the degree while she is on a roll. As her Mom, I also have to accept that July 25, 2010 "a man shall leave his mother, a woman leave her home, and they shall travel on to where the two shall be as one." Angel and her husband Aaron made their decisons based on what they feel is right for them, for the current time. They didn't ask anyone to help. They made choices, set about making life course changes and then informed me of the way things were to be.
Angel and I share one of those extra bonds I mention. We are friends as well as mother daughter. It was a bit tense as she worked out the kinks in her newfound backbone when she "called to inform me". She phrased it in a way that made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up cold, "you can say what you like, but my decison is made and you will not be changing it." Very unusual for Angel or I to talk that way to one another. Bordering on disrespect.
The blessing is that the changes wrought in me in this past season, specifically this past year, prepared me to be able to absorb that attitude, and rock with it before responding. I am proud of myself. I took it in, and was able to divorce my emotions from my responses by telling myself "It's not personal. Be proud of Angel. Hear her out. Find ways to CELEBRATE her life, and do this NOW!!!"
A few people in my life's circle have given me HUGE gifts,,,, no judgements, forgiveness, tolerance, patience, and the proverbial arms to fall back on. Call it what you will. I have experienced so much unconditional "love" that has been acted out towards me as a person? The timing is everything. I was prepared to respond to Angel in her hour of need in kind. What a different outcome a year makes!!!!!!!!!! Grateful to my friends! The ones that love, care, respect and nuture the good in me.
Within the space of the extras breaths I took in during the initial phone call, I was able to shift and turn my daughter's news to accentuating the Positive. She hung up telling me she was relieved, she expected a different response. (I know, remember the hairs on the back of my neck? She almost got a different response, LOL.) It is cool to me that I was able to see that Angel felt SAFE with me, that she was trying her bravery out with the one person she feels safe to do so. She gave me a gift. And one day, she will be able to see that also.
Angel and Aaron - Alisha and Tony, their choices free me up to make choices for myself. Yeah, yeah, I will ALWAYS be the mom. But I make career and lifestyle choices based on what is authentic to me. Recently, Angel spoke to me, then wrote out an affirmation from her to me. She was acknowledging that "although she may not like somethings I do, and may have chosen differently for herself, her responsibility is to accept this as MY choice to make."
How quickly this gets mirrored back to a daughter who had a "growing up" revelation of the separation of mother- daughter-friend. Within a space of weeks, I was called to remember the wisdom from the mouths of babes and extend that same grace back to Angel as a reflection of the gift of light she shone towards me just a short time ago.
A wise friend, from a distant Time Zone and shoreline wrote months ago, and recently reiterated, "I have come to realize that everyone has a God and that I am not it." Now, this friend and I have not met in person. Funny how the people we align ourselves with via prayers, blessings, and gratitude can bring such moments of clarity, stillness and peace into a turbulent time, if only in my own thoughts. Then in a single shock of a phone call, I can pause, breathe and make a shift. Recent training prepared me. Her direction has tempered my subsequent communications with Angel over the last few weeks as we makes arrangements to have a Jubilee to CELEBRATE her milestones and life accomplishments.
As I make the conscious decison to let go of areas I have not actually had the controlling reins of in many years, I am feeling freedom. New spaces are opening up in my heart and mind. I feel the freedom. The power. The gift to CHOOSE how I respond to these changes that I was not ready for.
No one asked me if I was ready. That is not a common question when someone is going to leave. You don't often hear "Are you ready for me to leave and rock your world?" People just come and go and do what they feel is right for themselves at that moment. Even blindsided, it's up to me how I respond.
Today, weeks and months into a personal growth and trimming period? I am saying, "Let's Roll. What's next!?" This week alone has already handed me gifts of new and of old offerings revisited. Especially where my career is concerned. It seems I may be getting a second chance to try some things. I am scared. I am excited. I am ready now, in case you are asking.
Big grin,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Friday, April 22, 2011
A Reminder To Self
I feel led to share this again. Mostly to myself.
Having done all to stand, stand therefore....
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Attitude of Gratitude
Simply GRATEFUL.
My health. My friends. The capacity to love. Music. Angel. Alisha. For compassionate Daddy/God hugs. For my heavenly daddy and for his lap and snuggles. Writing. My job as a driver. For teaching. For Aaron for Angel. For Tony for Alisha. For Jeremiah. For cell phones. For pictures. For emails. For tears that fall and wash my eyes. For tears that sit in my chest and ache.My own Inner Drum. For funny movies, videos. Alan. Mark. Nanci. Rob. Allison. Isaac. Pastor. Rick. Brian. Peter. Theresa. Terry. Charlie. Erin. Rebekah. Michael. East - West coast. North-South. Worldwide. Time.
For my Inspirationators. Inspirationators. Inspirationators.
For the sleep i got last night. For waking up today with this list going over and over in my head. For baseball. For trombones. For guitars. For trains. For finding old friends that I was close to. For building up friends that were acquaintances. For new connections. For people I will meet today.
Freedom.
For whistling. Humming. Grooving. Dancing. Breathing. Meditating. Praying. Reading. Learning. Dreaming. Stretching. Growing.
For songs that get stuck in my head. For dreams with songs. For the new song in my heart. Singing to the angels. Singing out loud. Passion. Life is a song.
For hope. For revelations. For change. For Empty Nest. For my divorce. For Lewis moving on. For my mistakes. For God's forgiveness.
For my forgiving others. Loving others. Caring for others. Reaching out to others. Encouraging others. Assisting others. Connecting others.
Gifts of service. Giving mail, cards, notes. Calling a Stranger by their name. Holding the door open. Extra tip for service. Paying for a stranger's meal. Anonymous. Quiet. On the Down Low.
For the glow. For the light. For the shine. For the bounce. For the sparkle. For the zest. For the crackle. For the enthusiasm. For the joy! For the happy!
For hair. Skin. Senses. Organs. Hands. Feet. Head. Heart. Emotions. Feelings. Wild. Tame. Brilliant. Awesome. Amazing. Gifts. Touch.Texture. Exploration. Curiosity. Discoveries. Sensations. Warm. Hot. Cool. Wet. Trembling. Quivering. Shocking. Knowing. Giving. Receiving. Trying.
Brown paper bags. Depths. Reaches. Shallow. Desire.
For smiles - Of laughter. Of puzzle. Of knowing. Of questioning. Of reassurance. Of tolerance. Of hope. Of dreaming. Of trying. Of pain. Of success. Of failure. Of setback. Of getting up again. Of new ideas. Of revelation. Of inspiration. Of relief. Of the light bulb going on. Of the siren screaming. Of jokes. Of being impish and fun. Of silly. Of goofy. Of lighting up a room. Of lightening a heart. Of love. Of pleasure. Of affection. Of peace. Of knowledge.
For my questions. For my answers. For my puzzles. For my incessant rambling. For my desires. For my curiosity. For my hunger.
For pain. For being alive. For feeling everything so deeply. For being raw. Transparent. Unable to hide. Open. Available. Independence.
For space. For echoes. For void. For whispers. For too much space. For crowding. For vacant, painful space. For fresh space. For things to protect the space. For things to fill the space. For people. Laughter. Love. Suffocating silence. Agony of alone. Cherish alone. Peace. Contrast and Congruence.
For conception. For Process. For birth. For miracle. For wonder. For awe. For death. For pain.
For Addy and Meeshu. Misty and Feylin. Alayna. Ally. Anna. Geo.
For indoor restrooms and the people that pee on them.
For people that listen. For people that stay. For people that leave. For people that pass through for a reason. For angels.
For compassion. For patience. For kindness. For tenderness. For affection. For attraction. For gentleness. For thoughtfulness. For empathy. For solace. For mercy. For grace. For redemption. For more chances than I deserve.
For thunderstorms that rock and sway. For snow and ice. For blue skies and no clouds. For white puffy, 7 minute frosting clouds. For being an optimist. For hope. For belief. For rainbows. For shades of color unimaginable. Birds. Stars.
For mistakes. For lessons. For loss. For opportunities. For blessings. For favor. For heights. For depths. For loneliness. For silence. For giggles. For squeals. For sleepless nights. For heart pain. For mind pain. For body pain. For Soul anguish. For Intercession. For the battle. For warfare. For victory. For defeat. For losing a battle, but winning the war. For drive. For getting back up. For not quitting. For not giving up.
For surviving.
For mom. For dad. For fishing. For reading. For hiking. For lakes! For oceans. For books.
For gardens. For hammocks. For loungers. For sweet iced tea. For swaying boats. For mists that rise. For splashes. For tugs. For front porch swings. For rear porch swings. For rocking chairs and gliders. For ropes. For ladders. For bridges.
For locked doors. For iron. For dungeons. For stairways. For light. For Opportunities. For open doors and windows. For courage. For discernment. For faith. For trying. For door knobs. For dragons. For the Prince.
For reconciliation. For walls. For armor.For castles. For bridges. For inroads. For offerings. For openings. For chinks. For weapons. For mercy. For chances. For forgetting. For letting go. For being vulnerable. For being gentle with others. For whispers. For roars. For whoops. For unspoken. For LOOKS. For eyes, oh! For the eyes. For touch.
For bounty. Plenty. Abundance. Overflow. Gifts. Sharing. Space. Simplicity. Echoes. Radar.
For tremulous hope.
For TRIUMPH!
For people that stay. That withstand. That hold. That last. That care. That listen. That read. That keep their silence. That answer back. That share. That suggest. That forebear. That KNOW. That are clueless. That try. That walk away. That hang in there. That come back. That have years with me. That have only minutes. Those that pass through my life for a time, a season, a reason.
For miracles. For new birth. For new beginnings. For past. For old ways. Old traditions. For heritage. For roots. For new trails yet to blaze. For excitement. For Adventure. For mountains. Valleys. Plateaus. Rocks. Holes. Pits. Canyons. Deserts. Dust. Lush. Curves. Detours. No Wrong Turns. Construction zones. Chasms. The abyss. Shorelines. Tides. Anchors. Moorings. Buoys. Lighthouses.
For anyone that reads this.
For me.
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Having done all to stand, stand therefore....
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Attitude of Gratitude
Simply GRATEFUL.
My health. My friends. The capacity to love. Music. Angel. Alisha. For compassionate Daddy/God hugs. For my heavenly daddy and for his lap and snuggles. Writing. My job as a driver. For teaching. For Aaron for Angel. For Tony for Alisha. For Jeremiah. For cell phones. For pictures. For emails. For tears that fall and wash my eyes. For tears that sit in my chest and ache.My own Inner Drum. For funny movies, videos. Alan. Mark. Nanci. Rob. Allison. Isaac. Pastor. Rick. Brian. Peter. Theresa. Terry. Charlie. Erin. Rebekah. Michael. East - West coast. North-South. Worldwide. Time.
For my Inspirationators. Inspirationators. Inspirationators.
For the sleep i got last night. For waking up today with this list going over and over in my head. For baseball. For trombones. For guitars. For trains. For finding old friends that I was close to. For building up friends that were acquaintances. For new connections. For people I will meet today.
Freedom.
For whistling. Humming. Grooving. Dancing. Breathing. Meditating. Praying. Reading. Learning. Dreaming. Stretching. Growing.
For songs that get stuck in my head. For dreams with songs. For the new song in my heart. Singing to the angels. Singing out loud. Passion. Life is a song.
For hope. For revelations. For change. For Empty Nest. For my divorce. For Lewis moving on. For my mistakes. For God's forgiveness.
For my forgiving others. Loving others. Caring for others. Reaching out to others. Encouraging others. Assisting others. Connecting others.
Gifts of service. Giving mail, cards, notes. Calling a Stranger by their name. Holding the door open. Extra tip for service. Paying for a stranger's meal. Anonymous. Quiet. On the Down Low.
For the glow. For the light. For the shine. For the bounce. For the sparkle. For the zest. For the crackle. For the enthusiasm. For the joy! For the happy!
For hair. Skin. Senses. Organs. Hands. Feet. Head. Heart. Emotions. Feelings. Wild. Tame. Brilliant. Awesome. Amazing. Gifts. Touch.Texture. Exploration. Curiosity. Discoveries. Sensations. Warm. Hot. Cool. Wet. Trembling. Quivering. Shocking. Knowing. Giving. Receiving. Trying.
Brown paper bags. Depths. Reaches. Shallow. Desire.
For smiles - Of laughter. Of puzzle. Of knowing. Of questioning. Of reassurance. Of tolerance. Of hope. Of dreaming. Of trying. Of pain. Of success. Of failure. Of setback. Of getting up again. Of new ideas. Of revelation. Of inspiration. Of relief. Of the light bulb going on. Of the siren screaming. Of jokes. Of being impish and fun. Of silly. Of goofy. Of lighting up a room. Of lightening a heart. Of love. Of pleasure. Of affection. Of peace. Of knowledge.
For my questions. For my answers. For my puzzles. For my incessant rambling. For my desires. For my curiosity. For my hunger.
For pain. For being alive. For feeling everything so deeply. For being raw. Transparent. Unable to hide. Open. Available. Independence.
For space. For echoes. For void. For whispers. For too much space. For crowding. For vacant, painful space. For fresh space. For things to protect the space. For things to fill the space. For people. Laughter. Love. Suffocating silence. Agony of alone. Cherish alone. Peace. Contrast and Congruence.
For conception. For Process. For birth. For miracle. For wonder. For awe. For death. For pain.
For Addy and Meeshu. Misty and Feylin. Alayna. Ally. Anna. Geo.
For indoor restrooms and the people that pee on them.
For people that listen. For people that stay. For people that leave. For people that pass through for a reason. For angels.
For compassion. For patience. For kindness. For tenderness. For affection. For attraction. For gentleness. For thoughtfulness. For empathy. For solace. For mercy. For grace. For redemption. For more chances than I deserve.
For thunderstorms that rock and sway. For snow and ice. For blue skies and no clouds. For white puffy, 7 minute frosting clouds. For being an optimist. For hope. For belief. For rainbows. For shades of color unimaginable. Birds. Stars.
For mistakes. For lessons. For loss. For opportunities. For blessings. For favor. For heights. For depths. For loneliness. For silence. For giggles. For squeals. For sleepless nights. For heart pain. For mind pain. For body pain. For Soul anguish. For Intercession. For the battle. For warfare. For victory. For defeat. For losing a battle, but winning the war. For drive. For getting back up. For not quitting. For not giving up.
For surviving.
For mom. For dad. For fishing. For reading. For hiking. For lakes! For oceans. For books.
For gardens. For hammocks. For loungers. For sweet iced tea. For swaying boats. For mists that rise. For splashes. For tugs. For front porch swings. For rear porch swings. For rocking chairs and gliders. For ropes. For ladders. For bridges.
For locked doors. For iron. For dungeons. For stairways. For light. For Opportunities. For open doors and windows. For courage. For discernment. For faith. For trying. For door knobs. For dragons. For the Prince.
For reconciliation. For walls. For armor.For castles. For bridges. For inroads. For offerings. For openings. For chinks. For weapons. For mercy. For chances. For forgetting. For letting go. For being vulnerable. For being gentle with others. For whispers. For roars. For whoops. For unspoken. For LOOKS. For eyes, oh! For the eyes. For touch.
For bounty. Plenty. Abundance. Overflow. Gifts. Sharing. Space. Simplicity. Echoes. Radar.
For tremulous hope.
For TRIUMPH!
For people that stay. That withstand. That hold. That last. That care. That listen. That read. That keep their silence. That answer back. That share. That suggest. That forebear. That KNOW. That are clueless. That try. That walk away. That hang in there. That come back. That have years with me. That have only minutes. Those that pass through my life for a time, a season, a reason.
For miracles. For new birth. For new beginnings. For past. For old ways. Old traditions. For heritage. For roots. For new trails yet to blaze. For excitement. For Adventure. For mountains. Valleys. Plateaus. Rocks. Holes. Pits. Canyons. Deserts. Dust. Lush. Curves. Detours. No Wrong Turns. Construction zones. Chasms. The abyss. Shorelines. Tides. Anchors. Moorings. Buoys. Lighthouses.
For anyone that reads this.
For me.
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
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