Yoga Class #2 This Past Sunday "Hot Yoga Groove"

HOT YOGA


HOT YOGA classes at Yoga Connection are an eclectic blend of Yoga styles combining the vast knowledge, experience and personalities of our amazing staff of Yoga Connection expert instructors. All Hot Yoga classes will be taught in our state of the art heated Yoga studio, and with great detail breaking down the mechanics of all postures.

Attended the Sunday PM “Hot Yoga Groove” class.
This letter is much shorter. I purchased the 10 week package for $160. It makes each class $16 plus a free one. So 11 total. I paid $18 for the morning class.

The Hot Yoga Groove was faster paced. Although, Savanah took time with me and a few other new people to physically touch us to adjust and align us??? She moved very rapidly from one thing to the next.

I was right to think I should get used to the positions, the breathing, the methods, the physical parts of it all before I add the heated sauna part. It felt great and did provide a deeper release, but it was a bit much as out of shape as I am.

As before, I was the only fat person. Everyone else, male/female, new/experienced. young/old, differing ethnicities, they were all slender and in shape. Sigh...

I know I didn't get this way in a day, or wasn't born this way. It will take time and a process to undo the damage I have exacted on my body through neglect, misuse, injury, and abuse.

Savanah is young (mid 20”s). The music was kind of Enigma or Enya style, still not what I hoped for “work out music”. All it did was set the pace higher, faster for the Yoga poses themselves. Very advanced stretches.

I struggled with the heat factor, and thought a few times I would actually throw up, ugh.

I TRIUMPHED BY NOT GETTING SICK AND BY NOT LEAVING THE ROOM THOUGH!! Even Savanah remarked she was surprised I stayed the entire 90 minutes, struggling even as I did. I did the work as best I could, allowing for newness, previous class and the foreign soreness in newly challenged muscles (LOL), the heat, etc.

A COURSE IN MIRACLES!!! Savanah read from their workbook 5-10 times, including during the meditative section of time at the end of class!! She often read it to us as we held or moved through stretches (I know there's a word for the that “FLOW” but don't know what it is???)

She also did that whole shaking her hands thing to flick off bad energy that Rilla did when she massaged me. IT is cracking me up how a month ago I didnt hear of ANY OF THIS and also only just told you about Rilla's holistic movements... and to be just inundated with it now is a lot of confirmation and establishing in my SPIRITUAL walk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hope I am doing okay and not in any harm??? Whew,,, a lot of TRUST going on here! Just because I am questioning??? I am not rejecting, obviously,,, since I am still going forward into new realms of Possibility.

That's all for Class #2. I may not go back right away. Let me get a firm basic foundation first.

Also, only baby steps in ACIM for me. It is tormenting me spiritually.

It was too late to shower and go to church at POCC. I was pretty OVERLOADED and OVERWHELMED by now anyway. Not sure I could allow more into me??

So I drove to the ocean, parked at the hotel where I stayed for Thanksgiving,, and went onto the deserted beach. It was raining, but I figured, I was already wringing wet anyway, and the sand is always invasive. I planned to shower at the beach before going back to my truck.

For an hour and half,, I sat just 10 feet from the water,,, heavy clouds, sporadic rain, no moon, lots of stars and watched the cruise ships go out. I cried ALOT!!!!!

I prayed some,, I sat there, stretched, then in a hugging pose, and rocked back and forth for an interminable amount of time,,, tears streaming,, until, the SPIRIT took over and I began to pray in tongues. I lost all sense of time then.

If anyone passed me, it would seem like I was chanting. After all else I have been doing? That isn't so odd to me anymore to think of it that way.

God released me,, and I sat, spent cold and wet on the sands until I just wearily got up. Too tired to shower, I just sat on a towel and went back to my truck, changed clothes and went to bed.

Here I am today.... processing :-)

Was going to take the special workshop this coming Sunday with the Power Flow and LIVE SACRED MUSIC,, but they have called to cancel. That's okay,, I'm overwhelmed now anyway.(see below,, it will still be on my list of things to do once they offer it again. By then, I will have conquered my issues).

Jan M. Olsen
~J~
LIVE SACRED MUSIC POWER FLOW *(very interested)

Exclusive to Yoga Connection in the West Broward area, this popular program features our very own Barbara Sloan and Worldbeat Musician Richard Brookens in a Power Flow class to live sacred music. Richard performs with Bamboo Flutes (from India and China), Native American Indian Flutes, Tablas (drums from India), Udus (clay pots from Africa), and a alineseGong, along with ambient tracks from his original CD's - all combined with a challenging Asana flow utilizing breath, body, voice, sound, mantra, mind and spirit for a total Yoga experience of pure meditation in motion. Instruction and adjustment will be provided so all levels are welcome. This unique program will be offered at Yoga Connection on a monthly/bimonthly basis, so make sure to check our Events Page for dates and times, and join in the newest and most exciting yoga experience in South Florida!

Yoga Class #1 "SIVANANDA YOGA " This Past Sunday

SIVANANDA YOGA

SIVANANDA YOGA offers a meditative approach through a series of Asanas, Pranyama (breathing), Meditation and Deep Relaxation, working systematically on the body, stretching and relaxing muscles, joints and ligaments, creating a more flexible spine and improving circulation. Sivananda Yoga is one of the most classic forms of Yoga created in 1935 in India by its founder doctor Sri Swami Sivananda who encouraged all students to embrace a healthy lifestyle by combining the following five basic principles of the ancient wisdom of Yoga: proper diet, positive thinking and meditation, relaxation, breathing and Asanas.

I chose this class by reading the offerings in the time slots. I went to the studio, explained I was first time and asked recommendations. It makes sense to build up with basics and to do so in the regular studio. Get used to Yoga in general then add the HEAT factor as an advanced maneuver.

I had taken classes in 2006, at the Wellness Center in Leesburg. At that time in my life though, I was also involved with my fitness trainer, and the core group of us that worked out 4-6 hours a day with weights, cardio, dancing, swimming, both as group and individuals played too hard to slow down for this type of exercise, lol. Even our weight lifting was done to vibrant Classic Rock!! Good times!!!

Therefore, I went at Yoga from a fresh frame of mind. My health is VERY different now. My lifestyle is very sedentary, unguided and unhealthy. My mental, emotional, spiritual state is currently very open and very much seeking.

The description sounds like a good introduction. With the right guidance, I can be exposed to many new things and take them in at my own pace.

A big note here: * I did NOT disclose my illness to the Yoga Connection at all! In Class #2 she asked if I had any injuries she needed to be aware of? The answer is “no”. All of my injuries are old, and incorporated into who I am now. My illness does not transfer and I did not want to take it easy because of it. I am hoping to open my mind, body, spirit up and let the disease GO FORTH and leave me entirely, so I am NOT WILLING to give it voice or credence now.

CLASS: The instructor, Angela, is 84 years old. She has been Yoga instructor 45 years! She is almost completely deaf (2 hearing aids), but her speaking voice is extra soft and measured, with a hint of a Spanish lilt to it. I loved her and bonded spiritually with her instantly!!

It is important to note that I spent ALL of my life, my ENTIRE life *HIDING the “sounds” of my breath. Purely in self-defense, from a toddler on, I learned to hide my breathing. Pretend to be asleep. Pretend to be okay with my surroundings. Throughout my life, if I made noise, even as simple as inhale, exhale? I was discovered. That would cause me to be beaten. Raped. Sexually assaulted. Or forced against my will to do any number of things. From a child to just last year 2009, this was a reality in my life. Play possum.

Let me say that the downloaded materials I have on Guided Meditation and things I have read in a variety of books regarding “breath” have been very difficult for me to process. When told to “pay attention to the sounds of your breath” I noticed I was still clenching to subdue the “SOUND”. I honestly hope Yoga, meditation, prayers, etc will give me release and peace from this and heal my fears now that I no longer have to fear for my safety??

So in class,, things like “FIRE Breathing”, even forced exhale caused great physiological pain and response to me. I worked very hard to not give into hysteria that bubbled to my fore.

This hindered some of my ability to RELAX and to fully EXPERIENCE the Yoga and meditation.

HOWEVER, I did NOT run out of the room, or submit to any of my fearful reactions. Just by staying and facing my fears I TRIUMPHED.

We stretched and posed about 15 minutes or so. The lights dim, the music was a steady OHM, maybe 12 WOMEN (important note there) in the room. Angela had asked me to be in front near her to watch each other. She suggested I keep my eyes open. Here we are, 15 minutes in and without breaking stride, Angela says, “We haven't begun the Yoga yet”. OMW! All of us got a muted chuckle out of that one!! Everything was spoken and done reverently. I was sensitive to and appreciate the spiritual release and openness in the studio and participants.

Angela is a “toucher”. Which is cool by me. I am very affectionate- both appreciate giving and receiving touch. It was a bit of an adjustment of my safety response and attitude, though, to be allowing of a stranger to touch me when I was stretched into some very vulnerable and open positions. It felt a lot like when you streeeeetch your arms to yawn and someone gooses you in the ribs??? You get a startle reflex. Just saying. But again, I didn't let it show, at least not that I know of :) She corrected my position, posture, pushed my stretch as she's supposed to do.

I was the only fat person in the entire studio all day. The women in class #1 were all very skinny, and very experienced/flexible. Several of them seemed unhealthy skinny,, like their skin hung in wrinkles and flapped. They were friendly but shallow. Yuppy.

Made me feel like crying. But I didn't. I didn't understand that at all? Even though I read it.

One time in her touching me to align my posture or pose, she remarked under her breath “oh, she is so HOT”. So, even without me telling her I am sick, she noticed the fever. She also told me at least twice to plan on a hot bath, “or you won't be able to move tomorrow”. LOL.

The classes are 90 minutes. No clock. I was imitating others in the room. At some point, everyone familiar with the routine Angela has, lay on their backs, and some put their hand towels over their eyes. Angela dimmed the lights even further. I did not think it possible, but her voice modulated even more soft, and mystic. SO!!! This was a HIGHLIGHT I had HOPED and been waiting for!!! She WAS going to do a meditation as part of the class!! YES!!!

I was all for this!!! And it went GREAT! It was a combination of all I had read, heard on audio, and tried in my own stumbling, seeking way. To do it with a room full of people, believers?? All tuning in?? was like a dream coming true!! I was EXCITED!!

*BUT!,,, I noted earlier there were only females in the class??? This became very HUGE issue right now! If you have never been hurt by another?? You may not be able to relate to what I type next. AS much as I WANTED to relax and participate in the MEDITATION????

It was very SCARY!!! All of a sudden,, the sounds of breathing, every rustle was exaggerated. Do you have even an INKLING of the EXTREME TRUST to allow myself to not only close my eyes, but to COVER my face???? To lay flat out,, hands to my side,, all the things I YEARN to do in my truck (it's one thing I LOVE about the altars at POCC... laying prostrate).

To trust 13 strangers in a dark, quiet spiritually- charged room????

My body's response was hysteria and nausea. It is SUPREME SELF-WILL to continue to lie there. I could hear Angela padding about in the room,,, follow her voice as she “guided” the meditation. But, I am revealing to you right now: I also “felt” pressure on my biceps, my vulnerable arms, pinning me to the ground as if by a man. At one point, I FELT Joe's knee in my sternum as the pressure pushed and pushed until my bone broke.

How terrifying!!!

BUT!!!!!!!! I did not get up,, I didn't even move the towel and open my eyes or look around. I FORCED myself to lay there. To feel all of these things. To experience and BE THERE with them.

AND LET THEM GO!

I focused on my breathing, and on Angela. She actually stopped walking or speaking for awhile,, and that was a new level of scary as my Mind Monster is screaming “WHERE IS SHE? IS IT SAFE?”

Very frustrated at myself that something I looked forward to for weeks, finally arrives as an unexpected gift, and I disappointed MYSELF with my fears, tension, and responses.

The only positive here is that I didn't quit or leave or give in to the madness. I take VICTORY and solace from that.

In the Yoga she did “Fire Breathing” and also right before the meditation part she led us through inhale one nostril, exhale through the other, then switch by using our finger to close one side,, and then also to alternate nostrils with out holding one side closed. Angela offered to teach me one on one outside the studio after class. So we did. She spent an extra 15 min or so with me. Very nice of her to do. As I said, there is a bond and natural spiritual connection between us.
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Okay, this concludes class #1. They have showers there. I cleaned up, got dressed up, and drove to POCC after all. I got into service just as they were calling people to come to the front that want prayer. So I missed Sunday school and all the praise singing of AM service.


Usually, it is customary, if someone wants to be anointed with oil and prayed over by the laying on of hands by the ministry? When he reads the Prayer Request list, he invites anyone who desires to come to the front.

I was in the 2nd pew from the front, NOT in line. I saw the Israeli minister when she picked up the oil vial, and moved off the platform. I somehow knew she was heading to me. Although, that is out of context.

Sure enough, she comes out of line to me directly. I go ahead and surrender, raising my hands. As conflicted right now as I am spiritually??

If God is choosing to speak to me through this Prophetess or by anointing? I am receiving.

After anointing my forehead with oil, she began to speak to my emotions, “Even as she bites it back now, Lord” (I was biting the inside of my cheek to not break down and cry).

“LORD this sadness in her Spirit I command it to be released and ask you to speak to her to guide her...”

I'm not sure what all else she said.. I got hung up there... although,, was unable to “break through”.

Kinda of odd, I guess if someone is unfamiliar with the Pentecostal or Apostolic way of ministering?? I submitted to her Authority as to KINGDOM AUTHORITY,, because I recognize it. It is much the same as when God moves on me to lay hands on another person and gives me Word Of Knowledge, Word of Healing, Word of Discernment etc.....

I am not sure if anything moved in heaven and earth on my behalf?? But given where I am??

I accept God's SOVEREIGN rule in my life and submit to HIM fully.

Okay, this ends this letter.
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

While the Frosty in me looooves my sleeping area North Pole cold?That's so I can enjoy burrowing & snuggling into bunk& sleeping bag. The inital slide in? BRRrr

Tapping into Audible.com new account. Through a dream had a HUGE spiritual revelation,just got confirmation.So adding a book I need refreshed

Snoozing to Ave Maria might not be the wisest idea. Not if I am driving this rig up and over in drizzly, grey, sleepy SoFL. Momma's got her napping mind on :)

Ending my THANKS-LIVING day celebration with a 5 mile walk around this area where my truck is parked. A true GOD day and night. Thankful for my "family". Loved.

I wish you could see what I see. Hear what I hear. Visualize what I visualize. Think about them as I do.It makes me cry in beauty and peace.

Wish you were here.Wish you could see this place.The weather's nice,it's Paradise,it's Summer-time all year..I miss you so.Wish u were here

I think the ocean sands must be alot like a Sleep Number bed? Wriggle and get it just so under your contours. It settles as you do. Nice :)

I'm such a lightweight these days..... I will be in bed by 10pm. So much for all night Mickey Mouse Club Beach parties...I'm an old fuddy duddy now =(

It's THAT Time of Year Again

Here we are! The year TwentyTen is fast drawing to a close.  I don't make specific New Years Resolutions.  If I find a trait to adapt, chances are it won't wait until January 1st on NEXT YEAR'S calendar.   Life is such  a Process of Give and Take. Truly Beautiful when you think of it. You can't admit to being tired of something in your life, without also deciding to improve on it. All year long :)

During my married years, we played the in-laws game. We tried vainly to please this set or that set. All while establishing traditions for our own 4 members. Soldiers, church, jobs....When we got divorced in 2000, now we have to add Dad's house, My House, all the Grands, and any blended familes as well.  What was a JOYous season, became incredibly frustrating, chaotic, never satisfying ANYONE, and often it called to notice just how PAINFUL divorce is on the partners AND the children involved.

Especially in the first years, it was easier and kinder to just tell my junior high and senior high school-age girls to go stay with their Dad. He was lonely all the time. Visitation schedules SUCK!!! He is a limp weenie, but  I am resilient. I was also overwhelmed with rejection, loss of the ideal of "Till Death Do Us Part", strapped financially, working overtime, then a second, then a third job.

So it became a gift to me to go out on the lake alone before daylight,,, just me and my little boat, maybe Addy.  At the time I was quite jaded and sniffed "If I'm gonna be alone anyways, I may as well not sit at the house to do it." Thanksgiving and Christmas became JUST ANOTHER SET OF PAINFUL DAYS TO SURVIVE.

Then with Lewis, and how we all four loved one another, we built new traditions!  More than a meal, it was our thing to go to a specific movie on Christmas Day as a unit  we saw ALL THREE  of the "Lord Of The Rings" Trilogy in theatres, on CHRISTMAS DAY as part of "our" bond!!!

Then,, after 2 1/2 marvelous years,  he left too,,, and the girls and I each cut adrift, separating from each other emotionally in our OWN  raging seas of pain, loss, lack of faith....  that was a DECIDING STRAW to break the camel's back.  Holidays can take a FLYING LEAP AT THE MOON!!!

This year, Fall of 2010 has been an awakening!!!  First, seeds of forgiveness sprouted.  Then came Reunion and Union. The family GREW by adding Aaron to Angel's life, and my grandson, Jeremiah to Alisha & Tony's lives. Next, Reconcillation began to bud and prosper. Alisha began to contact first one, then awhile later, another,, then another of her extended family after several years of cold separation! 

This past year I EXPERIENCED LOVE FIRST-HAND with Pastor Hattabaugh and the Pentecostals of Cooper City.

 As LOVE  was so patiently demonstrated, and as people literally HELD ME until the fear and trembling in me subsided, I began to BELIEVE again,,, in LIFE,, in LOVE... in HOPE.... in my Song - Laughter, Singing, Dancing..... in a Future where it is safe to dream, to be loved, and to love in return.

FULL MEASURE.... still working on that one myself... not holding back, in Limbic Flight or Fight.

Today and tomorrow marks several HUGE FIRSTS!

• Angel and Aaron's first Thanksgiving as a married couple.  They are taking the day to just BE TOGETHER and go out to a nice dinner somewhere as a treat to themselves.
• Alisha, Tony, and Jeremiah have made friends in Colorado, and religious preferences are being put aside. They are going to their friends' house for Thanksgiving meal.
• My brood is settled :)   Jan, is now free to let herself have good things in her life.  I have realized that work will still be here on Friday.  I am celebrating Thanksgiving with beloved church families in SoFL.

Also, when Lewis left us, my long-time counsellor and love/ friend, Dr. Isaac B. Deas told me there were two things he did not want to see me become. Bitter and a workaholic.  I promptly became BOTH. Sigh... well, I never got hard core bitter...  Somehow,, no matter many times i get pummelled into the dust by Life, I roll back to my feet with that goofy "hit me again, that didn't hurt" grin on my face.

Jaded? Yeah. Workaholic? Oops... guilty.

So, Jan is STILL working on that last one!!!  GRIN!!!!  If I work my guts out, I am too tired to care (yeah I know,, it didn't quite work out that way, did it???),, and I earn stupid good money that I can just GIVE away because it DOESN'T buy health, happiness, relationship, connection etc....

As this "whatever it is fever" has socked me for so long?? I am ready to give up....  but can't stop working. I don't know how :-(

For me to even consider holiday time off ??? Is HUGE -BOMBASTIC - MONUMENTAL-
 OF EPIC PROPORTIONS!!!

But when I received at least TEN Facebook and POCC invitations, I got to thinking, I can still help drivers get home. I can do it locally. I can still end up off-duty at the same time everyone else is. Usually, the loads are timed to force the drivers to shut down for safety wherever they happen to land.

WHY NOT NEAR MY CHURCH FAMILY AND  PERSONAL CAR?????

Then,, to get a motel room, second time in a week???  CRAZY OPULENCE AND WASTE OF money resources on me,,,, but,, the real bed DID feel SOOOOO GOOD!!!

Again, why not???  I hear alot, from different sources to be good to myself, take good care of me, be kind to myself. Etc...

Why not?

Worth a try.... shucks,, I've tried so many other things in my short life.  Why not try being nice to me too???

lol

So,, here I am. Gonna click send,, and then pack my  duffle bag for 2 days off.  Go buy groceries to make dishes to carry to the Feist's house. And GO TO THE WINDY BEACH AND CHECK INTO MY OCEANFRONT HOTEL ROOM AND CATCH SOME SALT, SUN, and SAND in my hair!!!

I deserve it,, or so I hear ;-)

Happy Thanksgiving to all,, and to all a good night =)

Jan M. Olsen

~J~

In awe over how the refractions of neon lights on the polluted, wildfire smoky Central Florida skies can be so BEAUTIFUL! Hazy strata undulating night skies.

A Spirit of the Familiar

If I'm not careful, I notice lapsing into old habits of eating or of treating my body, thinking of comfortable (also some not -so- comfortable) relationships, old attitudes or ways of approaching and thinking of Life.

I wonder why? Is it less scary than the Unknown? Chances are, the old ways were not very fulfilling to my Life's Calling. There are some great things to glean from the Past. But I don't want the disappontments of weeds and vines to trip me holding me down.

While driving the night shift down to Miami for holiday Time Off, I noticed letting the radio dial linger on music that was familiar, but not anything that I enjoyed or could sing along with.Why did I tune in? Tolerating it?

Changing that dial is so simple, really.Getting in touch with my abundant Blessings is a choice I made a long time ago. Sadly, I get caught up living a dance to music that I don't even know or like. Foreign to me. Keeps me out of sorts. Another uncomfortable role for me.

Once upon a time, there was a tender-hearted, happy-go-lucky girl. She got caught up surviving Life. Time to find her and get back to who I am deep inside. Resurrect that part of a smoking flax in me that flickered, but didn't extinguish.

So, reaching up to tweak the controls on the FM dial- Familiar Mentality. Honing in on what's Authentic, Genuine, Personal and Inspiring.

Rewarded by Love, Laughter, Song, Dance and Adventure! Enjoyment for the Living NOW and hope for the Promising Future Growth as a Woman of Purpose!

Tuning in,
Jan M. Olsen
~ J~
Sent Urom my Verizon Wireless mobile phone

God Moment

As Pastor Mark Happy Hattabaugh very eloquently said on FB and Twitter, " Bishop Klinedinst had us on our faces before God tonight. Lives changed forever. A true God Moment."

I would have to agree. I was given such a GIFT of Thursday night,Saturday's Mentoring for Ministry workshop, and both services at Pentecostals Of Cooper City today to be under the leadership of UPC finest WARRIORS and soldiers.
Word of Revelation, Word of Knowledge, Word of Impartation, Word of Conviction, Word of Healing, Word of Prophecy....all of those went forth. Of those, they were directed at me personally as well as to Others. Then other messages also went forth through Divine Annointing and unction of the Holy Ghost.

No price could purchase the time prone at the Master's Feet in surrender and place of being corrected, loved, molded into Christ's will and image.

If no one loves me? HE does. Worthy in HIM.

Saturday night on the beach and in a hotel with real (king size) bed and deep bath tub was a blessing.

Giving hundreds of dollars to anonymously help families for Thanksgiving? What an honor!! Very humbled how God just POURS INTO ME AND I CANNOT CONTAIN it all!!

Many, at least 10, offers from indv and families to join them for Thanksgiving. Never have I been so overwhelmed by love and outpouring. It is my gift to be able to work, taking loads from other drivers so they can get home with family.

God has been so good to me and His mercy endureth forever!

Back on my truck, will be in S.Carolina tomorrow night.

jmo

~ J ~
Sent from my Verizon Wireless mobile phone

If I am being a poor steward? then guilty as charged. I need a break from the confines of my semi. Want a real bed, quality sleep, shower. Getting a motel....

It's nice not to have to worry if I have 1-4 flat tires on my car when I finally see it again. Glad I took time and $$ last time :)

Meditation By Lunar Glow

0350 EST, Sunrise, FL.... I did it! Home for Saturday and Sunday. Moon is nearly full. Sky is pink with strata clouds.

Meditating to "Inner Peace"...that new piano cd. This is the same one that made me weep earlier today. The other 3 cds failed to touch my Inner Being so profoundly.

Windows down, lights off....sitting parked in my semi in front of the warehouse where I delivered. The cul-de-sac is full, all 5 spaces occupied. Maybe a driver will leave in the morning and I can switch locations?

I want to get a motel room soooooo bad.... I feel so bound up and cloistered in here. But, both girls needed over $150 each....so much for a motel room. I also yearn to snuggle with Addy. I need a hug soooo bad...he is such a loving cuddle....run my fingers through his hair,,,and just let down my guard.

However, even on "Time Off" I will sleep in my truck I guess. This is getting old...and making me feel old too. This bad spell is running my "happy go lucky" batteries into sulfate stage :-/

Gonna totally trust myself to the music, let my pain, hurts, longings, and thoughts go out to sea on melodies so beautiful they haunt my soul and pull my loving, yearning side out into the open for to be vulnerable.

Have a great weekend.
Jan

~ J ~
Sent from my Verizon Wireless mobile phone

Doggone. Can't stay awake to drive.

Perspective

It only takes something as simple as lunch and shopping with a friend to put things into perspective and fresh view. Due to my lifestyle and work schedule, my girl friend and I connect primarily with text messsages of 160 characters or less and a few emails. Neither of us like to talk on the phone.

In the year I have known her, our roles have morphed into something I feel ill-prepared to be for her. The first contact was made by me to her regarding a job opening. From that very first phone call, she has opened up to me and just pours her life and trials out in torrents.

 Before closing that initial call, I felt strongly led of the Spirit. I secured her email address which was used as a compassionate outreach and follow up. Connected her with Support tools and Educational materials to begin a Process of Personal Growth and improvements in  her health.

 The roles shifted again to where we are now.  I am directly facilitating and teaching her a curriculum out of a workshop series taken years ago that rocked my world. The distance again makes this challenging. To go to deep, raw places, and not be physically present is a gamble in my view. I can't even get to her if she goes into crisis.

She has deep seated emotional trauma wounds that she has developed safety mechanisms to get her through most of day to day life. Every now and then, she has a meltdown. Someone should be near.

While I have had some rough patches in my life, she has challenges that she continues to face with admirable strength, courage, and grace.

Yet, she sees her broken places. I see them too. I yearn for her healing. And realize the truths in common thoughts that we don't know how well we have it ourselves sometimes until we encounter those with even greater obstacles or injustices.

I see her beauty and her courageous outlook and am humbled that she looks up to me instead of in her own mirror.

Lovely time of fellowship and connection. Trusting that it will bridge the gaps our separate lives leave until we can meet again. Asking her questions, sharing my own recent discoveries, and a few hours of just being nearby, close enough to touch.

I am left to muse and will her Gifts FROM ME of the Go-forth to continue the fight for her own choices and freedoms.

Sending my dear friend my love and support,
Jan M. Olsen
~ J ~
Sent from my Verizon Wireless mobile pho

Organizing My Blessings :)

 Sunset at Black Rocks Beach, San Diego, CA January 2009

 Today was a laidback, do little day.  Trucking is feast or famine. It was all about the WAITING and cancellation game.  Trusting God has me in his sights. For instance, I had a load going to Sunrise, FL where my car is. It cancelled at 4:30pm.  THEN I find out that I-95 sb is shut down in Orlando-area due to a wildfire!  See???  God knows where I am, and what's best for me.  Rest and time to JUST BE was a definite GIFT today.

Went back to the doctor for my weird fever and joint issues. Endured labs, tests, really dumb questions... Honestly, feel like it was a waste of time.  The injections certainly wreak havoc on my tummy.  In the words of a song by Martina McBride,  "You can pour your soul out singin' / A song you believe in / That tomorrow they'll forget you ever sang / Sing it anyway."... so here tonight on my truck, singing to the angels, to God, and to cheer myself.  My neighbors will need therapy, but who am I?  LOL.

At my ONE year anniversary of becoming an OTR truck driver and of having a career, I wrote a 12 page typed account. That letter is posted here on my blog.  I did a much smaller letter at the second year anniv.

This year, July4th was the THIRD anniversary.  I didn't remember writing specifically to commemorate THAT day.  This past year, a season of LOSS and PAINFUL CONFUSION, losing the baby, the beatings, the rape, the giving up of being a TRAINER and MENTOR and Owner Operator with Stevens Transport out of Dallas, TX had played havoc with all of my health.  My mind, my body, my soul,,,, yet, somehow it didn't quench this indomitable spirit that fights within me to shine forth.

Sunset at Black Rocks Beach, San Diego, CA January 2009

Waiting on another driver, I cleaned my truck out while I sang.  We are to keep Trip Paperwork, Logs, etc for 3 weeks, then we can discard them.  I had a cabinet with all of them since my hire date May 17, 2010.  UGH!!!  Included were the spiral notebooks I write Trip Dispatches in.  I know me,, I write wherever I can find space, so before I chunked the old spirals I looked inside??

I FOUND AN 8 PAGE FRONT AND BACK HANDWRITTEN JOURNAL of my THIRD YEAR ANNIVERSARY highlights!!!  I don't remember it, but there it was!!!

And it was a list of BLESSINGS of all I had DISCOVERED to that point in July 2010!!!! 

Sometimes,, I amaze even myself.  Of all I am not comfortable with- of all I don't have closure or peace with - of all the hurt and guilt I still carry --------- I wrote EIGHT PAGES (16) FULL OF BLESSINGS AND GRATITUDE!!!!!!

 This past year, (year and half now) I had so much pain and loss,,, when I lost my baby, and my body was so broken and ill???  I wished sooo many times that I could die.  Just let me go.   Yet, BECAUSE of that vulnerability, I was extended love and grace, FIRST from GOD,  then from Pastor Hattabaugh and the Warriors at POCC, and then slowly, as I heal and process,,,, it is beginning to come FROM me TO me also.  That has only just begun in the last couple of months through amazing timing and gifts..

One thing I did toss out, that I may regret?? As an O/O I was used to keeping every scrap and receipt for income taxes for my Profit Loss Statement.... I just threw away things that I claimed last year.  I was only an O/O up to Valentine's Day this year.  I hope my lack of saving receipts doesn't bite me in the rear later???

Learning to meditate is so awesome.  I can't say I am skilled at it. I am self-taught, so I am sure I can learn, learn, learn!!!  I already pray and am very in touch with the Spirit-world,,, both of Good and of Evil.  As an Intercessor I see and hear alot.  But meditating has been good to first UN-focus me,,, then, RE-focus me.  Kinda a WOW-Concept.  I'm an odd bird, I get it :)

So mellow.  Still very ill,,, very in pain. Very wore out in  body, which has gone on so long now, my spirits get tapped too quickly.  But I am in MAJOR chill back mode.  The truck being straight and lighter??? Is really cool to me!  Soon as I can get by my car,, more of the extra clothes etc are coming off.

My blessings are lined up like Warriors around me, like friends at a bonfire on the beach.  I have my Tim Janis "Water's Edge" cd playing, I can hear the waves, smell the salt in the air, and feel the wind tossing my hair... as my memories, good and bad,, my blessings too many to categorize,,, talk softly around the glow of the driftwood fire. The  annual November Taurid and Leonid meteors are zipping across the Eastern sky.  It's a nice night, here with myself, in my truck :-)

Sunset at Black Rocks Beach, San Diego, CA January 2009

Thankful and dwelling in my Blessing Place,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

As the Weekend Winds Down

Not much of a weekend. A continuation of a week. Still in alot of pain. Stiffness is setting in where I perhaps favored some spots during the worst of the fever.  As I meditated before bed, I noticed severe swelling and pain in my neck and up into my head.

I know if that area gets pinched or out of alignment, the rest of me will feel pretty lousy. Headaches, backaches,, stress on my shoulders to hold up the sore spots,, and of course, my breathing is more labored, less full or enriching.

Drifting off to sea on the sweet, gentle melodies of Tim Janis "Water's Edge". A GREAT place to sleep.

Not sure what tonight or tomorrow holds.  May I face it with extraordinary courage, faith, grace, strength, and humor.

Blessing you with the same,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

I found this tonight in an old email address that I used as online storage for my Dad and I and our prose, poetry, and my early writings for my book. Made me go all warm and fuzzy inside.  He wrote a parody back.  I will include it later.  Enjoy the smile. Ready, set, go!

>>Sent: June 19, 2007 10:28 PM

Happy Father's Day, Dad!
>>
"Dad". Best friend to be had.
 Ever since he was a young lad, he was meant to be my Dad.
 Builds things with ease, using nails and brad, that's my Dad.
 His tales make the butterfy's knees quake just a tad.
Fix things, grow green stuff, and fish, catching more than just shad.
His wisdom altho quick can make you feel like a cad.
 Wit, wise, and thoughtful he's more than a fad.
I tried as a kid not to make Dad too mad.
 Camping out in the rough, he used sleeping bags to pad.
My Dad out of date? Don't be absurd! I think he is RAD!
 The end of my rhyme comes, so now I am sad,


 Hope your day was a happy one, I love you, my Dad!"
>>
I truly didn't miss Father's day,, not really. I hope you could feel it long distance? I was thinking of you. I was in school that day, practicing the complex manuevers in the semis for finals this week. Then I went right back to the work grind after being off a week on vacation with the girls ( we had a blast!). I am in the countdown phase now. I need to choose a company ( got it down to 3-5),,, and set a date for an orientation. I get paid for 4th of July at the hotel,,, would be a shame to let that extra 8 hrs wage go. I am ready to be moving on, though.

I do love you and hope my lines above bring you a smile! I can send this at 10:30pm my time, and you can get it when you are awake, LOL. Heading to work now.
Love,
Janet

Spending Saturday night with th Kings of Swing and Sweet Southern Comfort. I'm lost. Might as well make the best of it! Pure groovin' BaBeee!

Code Word "DALLAS"

                             This is a good photo of ME right now,, out of focus. Not sharp at all.

Code Word - "DALLAS"
Few know of this code word. That's what made it effective.  If I say it, and they are not "in" then people get excited, WooHoo, Jan's in town!  Or Jan went through my city. etc.

Those that know that Code Word "DALLAS" means pray, my life and salvation depend on it, then they "get it" and I 've always trusted they got down to business with the King.

My own place, my secret world to yell "YOP!!" and no one hears. No one responds.  Splashes in the River. Boulders in the canyon. Avalanches down the valley. No one notices.

Tonight then, I say "DALLAS" and a 12 yr old boy thinks it's cool. 

In pain of such extreme fire that I cannot describe. Not only in my body. In all arenas of my current  life.

Struggling, to live through, breathe through, see my way past today and this excrutiating pain in my body, heart, and spirit.

YOP - DAMMIT!  

DALLAS!

I would explain my feelings and my thoughts. But I do not have words for them.

So many questions. And SOOOO ready for healing.

I've been taught to believe that the moment one quits believing, is the second RIGHT BEFORE the answer was being delivered.  Is God really toying with us like that??  How rude.

This is not helping my pain,, not one shred of it.

DALLAS... DALLAS.... DALLAS.... DALLAS,,,DALLAS,,,DALLAS!!!!!

Jan M. Olsen

~J~

Dangitt! I forgot that Missouri still allows smoking inside buildings. Resteraunts too. UGH!

Reason, Be Patient Grasshopper

P.s., an hour after I wrote the first part(below)??? I still can not move. My body said today is a DAY OF REST, wry grin.  I can not get out of bed, the pain and weight of fatigue has crushed me.

I have lost my load to ND....  I realize that God knows the plans He has for me. Submitting to Him, fully trusting. Going to meditate now and search for peaceful understanding, maybe even touch the Innermost place, the root of my pain and disease and cast it out.
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Thinking back on my growl to have to stop so early last night?

I knew it wouldn't matter in 20 years, or even by Friday.

Going to roll now in a new direction.

But, the stop gave me a large amount of downtime hours. Extra study time.  Moments connecting with a stranded kitty.

And I awoke this morning curled into a ball - SCREAMING!  This time I rememeber what I was dreaming that woke me up!!!  Not only that??? Was so sore, stiff, in pain, I can not get out bed for a long time. Had to wait on relief to kick in.

Patience is a virtue, so they say.  I must be an awful sinner.

Have a great day. I will too, wherever my road and day takes me, I am blessed.

Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Facing a Fear, Here Kitty, Kitty, Kitty :)

When I taught public schools during the 1990's, one of my kindergarten students hid behind the toilet as her mother was drug out of the bathroom at gunpoint by the drug dealer boyfriend, and then shot to death in the doorway in front of this 5 year old precious baby.... so yeah,, kitty made me think about how to help. I faced a fear of my own tonight, while helping soothe a stranded cat.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This  was a five state day. 1)Tennessee 2) Kentucky 3) Illinois 4) Missouri 5) Sudden Irritation.

I found myself SUDDENLY STOPPED at the Warrenton, MO rest area on I-70 wb.  When the Boyz travelled with me, this was a favorite of all 3 of us.  It has an extensive walking area full of slopes and fells. If we walked fast around it 3 times, we were quite relaxed and stretched out.

I have a few outright fears.
A) spiders

B) drowning,, seems funny I know since I SCUBA and love all things water.  But the surge at the ocean's surface terrifies me. Some days I pay huge money to take a charter out to dive, and panic immediately after jumping into the heaving seas. I end up being hauled back on the boat ticked off at myself while everyone else dives 30-60 minutes. When this happens, I usually dive Tank #2 out of sheer WILL-POWER!

C) dying alone and no one knowing I died.  This fear got worse when my best friend gave me back the folder with my Emergency contact list, Do Not Resucitate order, Life insurance, etc.  I don't trust anyone else, and so if I die or have an accident?? Only the SILENCE on emails, FB, and this blog will be any heads up. No one will know how to reach my daughters or parents.  Grrrrrr.

D) Talking on the telephone because of my stutter.

E) a lesser fear, is of cats.  This is due to being ambushed in hallways,, from under my bed as i slept,, and from my Dad forcing me to give our barn cats baths in 5 gallon buckets when I was a kid.  I just would really rather not be around the beasts if I can help it. They are loud and I abhor a litter box and their shed hair.

So, here I am at the rest area in Missouri.  I'm pretty torqued about the sudden stop to my day, a revision that is out of my control, but not one that I am happy with AT ALL.  So, I decide to find positive encouraging things to fill my time.  I dig deeper into Meditation, Guided, etc... the HOW, WHEN, WHERE, WHY   and all the many push-pulls of opinions out there on the internet. 

http://lifehacker.com/5591576/a-guide-to-meditation-for-the-rest-of-us

http://health.howstuffworks.com/wellness/stress-management/how-to-get-started-with-meditation.htm

http://lifehacker.com/5521022/podcast-introduction-to-basic-meditation-and-mindfulness

From sit  /  no lay down / no kneel... to  jangly screechy harp music with windchimes,, to  soothing piano music talking about clouds.....

I am looking at options and suggestions and was looking forward to putting on my own music cd and just deliberately breathing and paying attention to that and to NOT thinking,,, (thinking about not thinking,, whhoooo boy! Here we go!)

When I noticed Nature's call,  I had been so engrossed in reading, that it was an urgent need, lol.  Opening the door to the restroom I got a shock that almost made me wet my pants AND have a heart attack all at once! THERE WAS A FURRY LIVE CRITTER in a stall, in a corner.  I got a few more feet in the door, and it is an exquisitely beautiful CAT.   Perhaps the word is calico?

Problem being, I scared the fur ball as bad as I scared myself.  She set off an extremely agitated, loud yowling and yammering and trying to climb up the wall of the corner she was in!!

I still needed the facitily and was absolutely TERRIFIED that FUJO (that's my new word for Feline Cujo)  was going to rush at me under the stalls and claw my legs to shreds!!!

Musing, I don't know if she was abandoned by someone? Or if she is the resident hunny of the security guard guy and he shares his trail mix with her and she has accidentally gotten locked inside????

All I know,, is the poor thing struck a chord of RECOGNITION in me.... she was literally SOOOO backed into a corner, in every way, out of her element, and as fearful of ME as I was of HER!!

I decided to prop the bathroom door open. I sure as hell wasn't gonna touch her or try to pick her up!!! DUH!   lol....  This way,, I would leave, and she could choose to come out  or stay.

Now I was agitated for several reasons. I went for a Fall evening walk under the stars,, thinking about Addy and Meeshu, listening for the ghosts of memories of their pants and fuzzy feet sliding around in the leaves.  Came back and KITTY PUSS was STILL in the same place.. and STILL YOWLING plaintively.

I don't really know why?? But I began to talk softly to her,, and eventually, found I was easing closer to her corner.  When she turned around and headed my way I thought Ichabod Crane was after me with the lighted jackolantern head!!!

In a moment,, I calmed myself down,, and ,,, well, pictures tell the story,, that beauty of a cat came over to me,, pushed up against me,, twined all around my legs and hand...

I TOUCHED A CAT!!!  OMW!!!   And yes!!!  At first when she bumped up to get INTO the carress??? She scared the dog snot out of me.

I don't have a tidy ending to this letter.  Kitty won't come out of the bathroom. I left the door propped open.  I want her to have options.  I do not want her to scare a child or elderly person.  Or worse,, get to feeling hemmed in and claw or bite anyone.

My dad  punched me,, just last week.  I didn't leave myself an out or an exit.  I deserved the hit.  I definitely feel the kitty's confusion and pain. 

I am kinda proud of myself for touching the fuzzy beast.  She is sooo pretty,, and sooo soft.  And once she came up to me,, she was very loving. 

Faced a fear today.  Not a bad way to redeem the frustration I feel at having to freaking STOP driving and having my plans rearranged against my will. 

back in my truck, I am going to work at the learning of the meditation stuff some more,, then maybe try it, with a new podcast I just downloaded. 

I do NOT want to dream of FUJO's with blood red eyes, and claws or fangs dripping,, ewwww.

bad Jan!

LOL.... ok,, now I gotta work to banish those dumb Stephen King mental images... AYIYIYIYI.

Facing my fears,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
 P.s. I had decided if Miss Kitty was still in the restroom when I was ready to go to bed, that I would feed her.  I just checked.  She is gone without a trace.  Only then, did I consider the fact of vehicles and the highway?  The back of this plot bumps up next to woods and residences. 

All I know, is part of my Inner Being resonated with the trapped little animal. Being pinned down or hemmed in is an awful feeling or place to be.  Fly away, little birdie!

So Close, So Far Away

Bridge system spanning the Kentucky- Illinois stateline, I-24 wb

Passed through Paducah, KY around noon today. A spot in the road. A small dot on the grand scale of the atlas. But it happens to only be 1 1/2 hours away from where my girl-Love of My Life lives in Evansville, IN.

Here is a portion of our bittersweet banter today:

You had me from hello. The only thing that makes our goodbyes tolerable or worth a damn is they bring us just that much closer to our next HELLO. (Terry)

XOXO - I know...it seems like i have freedom, but i keeep a pretty strict route and schedule.....all subject to change when Life socks the Plan in the nose :-(    (me)


If it makes you feel any better? I "walked like an Egyptian" while I "walked that dinosaur" into the store to get my fuel receipt and shower. Ahhh..what to do? (me)

I'm not sure I want to be with anyone that causes so much destruction. (Terry  re: yesterday's fires)

My loving memories gave me a strange urge to slip through the trees into the meadow and do our ancient forms (kata).  We used to practice in our own loving way, matched evenly, CONNECTED out at Toldeo Bend Dam...
 
then,,, to move on, force myself to leave and roll on up Life's highway? Got a hot tea, meal and shower.

While at the truck stop, I went up to the Transflo machine. This scans our trip paperwork to our payroll department,  A strong, brazen woman was there frowning at the machine. She whipped around at my approach and GROWLED, : Here! You go ! I can't figure it out anyway!"

What could I do? "Ma'am, may I talk you through the process with your paperwork first?"

As we went through step by easy step, I said," you might as well embrace this and learn to do it for yourself, The truck stops are putting these self-service scanners in and the staff will no longer be required to Transflo for us."

She ground out, " I'm not embracing anything!! They should provide us with customer service."

I watched her stomp away and felt a bit sorry for her.Thinking, "It must be lonely inside that closed mind and narrow parameter you allow yourself to interact with this dynamic world around you."

For myself?  Chagrined to notice how I really took simple things like hot showers or meals for granted when they were readily available. Realizing how North American-spoiled I am? Grateful for BOTH now.
 
Blessed to have loves of my life in the then, the  here and the now,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

There She Goes Just A Walkin' Down The Street...

Well that was FUN! My head in the puffy clouds I guess? I missed a junction of i-285. Ended up accidentally sightseeing Atlanta airport in an 18 wheeler. There's this MOMENT ,, kinda like being on I-70 in St. Louis headed towards Illinois,, that ONE SECOND where the Arch is in perfect symmetry and it makes my throat close off with emotion to see it like the blade of a knife?? 

In Atlanta it is a tunnel and a bridge that if you are REALLY lucky?  An airplane on it's descent to ATL will cross just a few feet overhead, giving the urge to duck!!!  I LOVE that moment!  It happened today,, and I promptly missed the merge to STAY on I-285,,, instead found myself on I-85 going around the airport parking lots. Now Folks? This is not a Geo Metro to turn around ;)   I keep my cool head and instinctively, just stay rolling.  Lo and behold, it goes back out to I-285 PRESTO!

JUST AS I GOT TO SPEED?? A vehicle flagged me down, horn blaring pointing to my tires!  I look in my mirrors, and see that a rear trailer tire is throwing rubber on the passenger side. I pull over,, but it's against a guard rail. 

My company says if most of the rubber has already blown off, to limp the truck to our Atlanta Terminal 7 miles away.  I have a bad gut feeling on this one.  But agree to do so. 

The load is 79,780 pounds (allowed 80,000).  This was weighed at 3/8 tank of fuel which is 8 pounds per gallon, total capacity is 300 gallons.

The weight settled on the remaining tires, causing a SECOND tire to overheat, then blow up!!!  As I am watching in my rearview passenger mirror I am thinking "GEEZ that's a WHOLE LOT OF RUBBER for ONE TIRE!!!"  So,,  I happen to be looking when the two outer RIMS BIT THE PAVEMENT and sparks flew!!!!!

The sparks??? Well, it took me 150-200 yards to get pulled to a safe stop on the shoulder of I-285.... as I was stopping,, the sparks are still arcing.... 

SET FOUR wildfires!!!!!  Two of those flashed up the dry tinder hill, through a chain link fence and across the divide into the neighboring lands!!!  Thankfully, there was already police and fire rescue at an accident scene  about 100 yards up on the inside NB lane, they rolled BACKWARDS on the highway and tanker trucks, big firetrucks, etc all came out to the scene.  It shut down I-285 at 3:40pm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I didn't even THINK about my fire extinguisher, lol.  I went and stomped one fire out with my tennis shoes. (not the sharpest crayon in the box).   I DID THINK TO ROLL MY DIESEL FUEL TRUCK FORWARD AWAY FROM THE OPEN FLAME!!!!!

Very concerned I would be cited and fined.  I could accept that.  It was negligence on my part, and today I failed to "protect and serve the motoring public".  Somehow, though, the minute the blazes were extinguished, all rescue personnel LEFT.  No one came to write me a ticket.  WOW!!!  A "get out of jail free card"!!!

The Company sent a maintenance driver, who arrived with two new trailer tires on two new rims.  Within 30 minutes of his arrival, I was on my way. Heartland did not require me to go onto the Yard, told me to roll with the load.

It's been a long day.  Mentally and emotionally I was in prayer and deep thought for needs I know friends, family, and fellow Journeying people have.  Physically, it has been a day of great FIRE in my joints, back, and shoulders. So,, With the delay of the FIRE on I-285??? I was then in Atlanta traffic around Cobb County,, took almost 3 hours to go 50 miles.

I am parked now,,, after only 475 miles.  I needed to do 550, but it is almost 10pm and I know the closer to Nashville that I get, there are no more rest areas,, and the truck stops are cesspools up there.  It seems wisest to stop in Monteagle, I got a parking slot at the rest area on I-24.  I can go to bed soon.

Trying to decide what I want to do to unwind??  Usually what is best for me is soft Classical or jazz,, or even light gospel music... candles..... if at home, wine......  and a period of quiet reading.  Prayer before bed.  Lately been experimenting with the meditation.  And I get in bed and drift off to sleep by counting my blessings, listening to my daughters voices where I have them saved on voicemail, and other people on voicemail telling me they love me....

I was listening to Classical piano on the radio, but they must have had a DJ shift change,, the music became more strings and their high pitched squeals and whines... I had to just turn it off and roll down the windows,, let the fresh air clear my head.

Didn't make it anywhere to get anything to eat or to get the shower I had been looking forward to all day.

However,, I'm not grumpy, I am tired.  I am SAFE!!  Atlanta is SAFE (from me)... and I am further up the road to ND today than I was yesterday!!  Talked to Angel, Dora, and Rebekah today ...

just gonna call it a night,, not do any of my relaxing rituals...

Making it work, grateful for the lessons of today,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Beautiful Day!

See those bumps on my back? Those are not angel  wings.  They are shoulder blades.  And they just happen to be on fire at this very minute. Fever is ripping pretty good, in my back and shoulders, down my hips  always in my arms anyway, so I forget to mention those.

While pain-wise, this is setting up to be  a very long intense day of concentrating and surviving? 

This drive north is exquisite!  Lovely cool temps, Fall colors.  The other motorists seem to be in fairly good moods and are not acting totally like imbeciles.

My mind is pretty clear, and I wish I could just write all day towards my book.  I sense a flow,, and something DEEP coming to a head. 

Gotta roll though.  My goal of getting the majority of this trip accomplished in the daylight is on track.  Already, I am looking foward to the end of the workday.  I am enthralled by my new book.  Just the idea of a hot relaxing shower,, a hot tea,, and reading or writing time tonight?? Makes me want to get out and push the loaded trailer to move faster, MUSH!

LOL.

Blessed to be working and able to feel everything,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Wow, intended to go to bed close to 2 hrs ago....but somehow sat "just for a minute" with a new Costanza jazz cd and new book....looked up? it's 12:45am??

Shrugs....

Hmmm,, I KNEW I should have stopped for the night at Cafe Risque in Micanopy!!

((because it is "early" there and still plenty of semi truck parking!!!))

Of course,, I didn't stop, because I spend money in there when I do. 

But,,, even at 10:15pm the major rest area at I-75 nb at Lake City is FULL UP on truck parking!!!  62 miles to the next one,, which will be the Georgia Welcome Center,, and they close the restrooms at 5pm!!! (HUH!??!)

I decided to flip,, go up one exit,, turn southbound and check out the rest area on that side,, flip again in the morning... already passed all the trucks stops in Florida that are in my book.

Lo and behold!!!  At the next exit where I was turning around??  A mom and pop 10 truck slot business,, and a truck pulled out as I came on the lot!!  I GOT THE LAST SLOT!!!

You came too late to say that God and guardian angels do not work to keep us provided for and safe!!!  I won't believe otherwise!

Seems D and R lead normal lives??  At 9:15pm they were already phones off, in bed.  So,, Texts and v-m.... I am reaching out though.

Spent an hour on the phone with my best friend.  AHHHH sooooo good to talk again and LAUGH!!!  We share so much history,, we can make snide comments that make sailors blush with shame,, and to us?? we refer to something our grandmother's could hear!  LOL...  I kept her company on her ride home from work,, as she saw me up I-75 a little further. Nice!

Meanwhile, multi-tasking,, helping a recent Empty Nester WHHS classmate on FB make the treacherous navigations for the Holidays.  Talking others through these roller coaster times helps me find a balance,, and purpose for why I am here as well.  Getting them to talk it through and answer their own situations for what they inherently need for themselves, and what is RIGHT for THEM,,,  gives me ideas on how to cope too.  Because HOLIDAYS flat out SUCK!  Most people, may have CHANGE and new family dynamics?? Alot of them still have people around them.  Learning to be flexible and celebrate the OTHER 363 days a year as well as TG and Dec 25th may help them find GRATITUDE and BLESSINGS right where they are today.

It breaks my tender heart to hear a plaintive "miss you,, or I need Jan -time..."  when I am not really ever physically "there" for anyone.. it's all done by stupid internet and phone calls...  I sure hope i do not exacerbate their lonely feelings?? 

Jan needs mountain ledge time,, but it looks like my work is about to get REALLY crazy!  i am up for the challenge,, just not sure how much OOMPFH I still have in me to perserve until January when the calendar mercifully resets??

I suppose I am questioning "MYSELF " lately,, when in reality??? I wouldn't be sought if I didn't contribute.  Even helped my best friend with her COLLEGE STUDENTS by being her techie guru....

lol... me?  yeah,, that's making ME laugh too, so GO AHEAD!

Those 2 Electronics degrees and that computer programming i did in ancient years gone by?  I feel like a dinosaur.

I am gonna call it an early night... only did 450 miles today,, but if I stop now?? As I travel North and WEST  I will gain hours on the clock,, so that when I get to the majestic Dakotas I will be driving in DAYLIGHT!!!

God bless America,, HE sure did put some extra loving into the creations!
g'nite,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Status Check

Well, Monday was absolutely a new dawn! I slept, rested 8 full hours last night. I could have gone to the church to pray by 0700, instead, I got MUCH MORE accomplished in my well-being by resting, and also some seriously deep work with Spirit -realm before engaging my body to move around. Forces at war.
Interceding yesterday and today on behalf of family and fellow Travellers in this Journey.

I am sorry I was so depleted yesterday as to be down. Today, it was major effort to put on the Ritz to go back to my work or to socialize  with those that did not join me to that certain level at that time. Isn't it a lovely thing when we are not all down at once? The necessary UNITY was present, as I detailed previously.

Enroute now to Fargo, North Dakota. Just passed my daughter at USF Tampa. After she was hit head on by a car striking her bicycle at dusk, she won't walk or ride much after dark. The time change to Standard means I must pass by. My love to the Little Warrior :)

In the next few minutes, will be praying, meditating, and drawing inspiration. I'm preparing myself to call D and R to be sure they are all right after my meltdown yesterday.They look up to me like baby birds in a nest, I fervently pray that by allowing my weakness and frailties to show honestly that I did no harm.

I want to learn from them. As they learn from me. Surely their experience seeing me unguarded and in utmost of travail and anguish for OTHERS will cause them to grow as well.

I will know more soon.
~ J ~铄ent froü my Verizon Wireless mobile phone

The human body is an amazing piece of equipment. Strangled on water..not only coughing, it made me SNEEZE water.Tears streaming,first by choking, then  by laughing.

Not to be outdone? My ears just gave a COLOSSAL  *POP*!!!!!!!

Now I sound like Kermit the Frog with razor blades for breakfast as I sing while I drive.  An improvement oif my normal deep singing voice, LOLOLOL!!

 Yay!!! Freedom to sing ftreely!!  =)

Yahoo!! I just slept 8 hours! Nott straight through....awake every hour or so, but I laid down 8 hours anyway. Not sure my joints are working, haven't tried :)

Not Much Of A Torrent After All

Does anybody notice when a pebble skims into the river?
 Or the dead body floating downstream?

(typing at midnight, eastern time, Sunrise, FL.  Sitting with my laptop balanced on the steering wheel of my semi truck "apartment". Windows down, chilly breeze carresseing my skin,, loving my soft thin flannel pajamas,,, some very gentle jazz,,, scents of the sprinklers and FL mixed bag aromas.... )

Just in the few minutes it took me to drive from Weston Publix to where I swap my car in Sunrise,and get back into my truck to sleep, I have run out of steam. Depressing,, I bought portions "for one"... maybe 16 oz of milk? 10 oz of meat?  Happy they have a great organic section.  Fresh bottle of Bragg's ACV,,, I also got lemon juice earlier today(drink it plain), fresh fruits, new supply of sour milk to chill and eat, I mean, yougart,,,and a few specific targetted herbal teas.... Drove by my most recent old apartment in Weston. I'm sure it has new tenants by now. I have been living in my truck since August. Thinking of my old roommate..

Now, I'm left with just disjointed fragments of the thoughts and pain I am in today.....  no one knows just how shattered and broken I am inside. I do believe it is a good place to be.. if I can just see the course,, and let God do the work he is so dilegently pursuing.

BUT OH MY GOD I HURT inside,, and with ALL MY BEING I WANT TO STOP THE PAIN...even if it means circumventing the "PROCESS" I am just so sore, and so wore out,, ,, I have literally cried all day,, from the beginning before dawn until this very minute. So  glad computer screens do not get run marks... Even in midday when I had to take the load on to Miami??? I cried then too. Most of it was weeping and anguish of deepest soul and heart.

I know why,,, I know what is up... I know what is going on.... I am just powerless to stem the tide or change the current.  I MUST ALLOW THIS SEASON ,,, for it has a lesson in it for me...but  I HURT,,, and sooo glad no one reads this.... it's the Good- Bye note no one ever finds, when the person takes their ink written notepaper and tucks it into their pocket before jumping off  a towering bridge into the frigid churning black waters below...

Several snapshots of today,,,, D,, bless her,,, imitating me.... she tried so hard,,, she only made me cry harder when she put her hand on my forehead to pray,, like i do to her.  She was at a loss,,, kinda cute, kept rubbing my back like I was one of the kids with a tummy ache,,,  kept telling me to not "blame myself" ,,,

((You gotta love Pentecostals in the altar,,, often times there's one person on each side ... one yells "HOLD ON!!"  and in the other ear one yells "TURN LOOSE"....))  done messed up that dude inside.

I always get cracked up and FRUSTRATED when well-meaning people THINK they know why I am in travail,, and say things like "stop beating your self up"  or whatever,,

STOP JUDGING ME, DAMNIT!!!!

Ever think??? Maybe my ANGUISH ISN'T EVEN ** ABOUT ME** ????

So here's precious D,, telling me we should go out to eat,, even if I have to go to work, I gotta get food first,,, she was clutching at straws,,, GOD DID NOT ENLIGHTEN HER ,,, and I could not,, ,WOULD NOT tell her any specific thing to agree in prayer with me on....  God tells me what to pray for others,,, She tried,,, and I appreciate her for it, even while wishing she would move on. She even followed me to the ladies room,, I had cried so hard I was trying not to be sick,, and well,, just   " Bless her LORD,,, Open her to the potential you have for her".Even in my own hurt, I worried she was taking my aloofness as personal rejection of her?? God I don't want to hurt another,,, but I didn't have it in me to play a role today. Forgive me?

And R A.,, with the beautiful glory of hair,,, she was worried,, she sat silent,, the best way to be at a time like I was in....  I SCARED HER TOO... she left,, when she came back she had brought me a plastic glass of cold water,,, I looked at it,, grateful,, but knew I was shaking too hard,,  I sighed i couldn't hold it,, and OMG R held the glass of water to my lips for me to drink of it,, to settle down...  I felt like a child...

I do feel that way...


I would have to say the greatest gift of all that was given in person, ,was the older lady saint, C,  (IN THE FUSCHIA TOP), she came up beside me with a "shimmy and c'mere girl" approach,,

 All i saw was a mother - figure that loves me,, and OMG she held me,, i didn't mean to cry then,,,,surely I will reach the end of this bottomless well of tears SOON??

 but I have wanted to be held ,,, i have been soo alone,, and I do not have love with my own mother,,, C held me "just right'.... and even when I pulled away,, probably 4 or 5 times,, I had no strength... and she stayed by by side,, I kept laying my head on her bosom...Wracked with fresh sobs and torments...

My thin strand of self-control was almost snapped asunder when C placed her hand on my heart and began to pray in the Holy Ghost over my heart.  She got the "closest" to the "right" need today... She asked me "who has broken your heart?"  as if she wanted the juicy gossip as if I were going to say I had been with a man or something.  She wasn't close at all then, lol.

"Nurturing" hold....  OH,,, how i wish i had that with my own mom...  a surrogate will do.. at Publix I have bought C a thank you card,,, and will leave it at the church office for her on Monday.

I know,, I believe,, I receive that a few specific people prayed for me,,, were concerned, but chose to stay apart, and pray from a distance.  They are the PERCEPTIVE ones,, the ones that GOD directs and gives the words to pray when I can not,,, not every thing has to be "laying on of hands",, although,, open to whatever God has.  Just know?? I recognize there is more of a force and that I was being prayed for. Thank you,,, And forgive me, please, I am sorry I texted so late.

I guess I fully intended to confess here in the privacy of the blog, to open up and really spill my heart,,, my guts are just pulled all out,, eviscerated, ,,but I am weary of it all... and so,, no,, I will not be telling why or what had me crying so much today...

I ccan say, I am not out of the woods yet.  I seriously hope GOD really is ALL THOSE "OMNI'S"  that we teach,, becasue I am in my truck alone and still broken.

Flat tire on my car when I got here to switch up at 10:30am and get to church,, and it was flat again when I came back after delivering in Miami  at 5:30pm this afternoon.  Added a "large car" can  size of Fix-A-Flat,,, and still had to add 20 psi of air.  I don;t have money to replace it,, and am not here on weekdays to get it done. So,, It will sit here in Sunrise seeping out all week,, and next Saturday,, for the 3rd time in a row, I will ahve to add Fix A Flat jsut to get to church.

all talked out,, got soft jazz playing,, ate a little something jsut so i could take my meds...176/ 104 ( almost low for me, lol) pulse at 92... Options of ways to lower all of the races... ok.

Today while grocery shopping in Miami Wal-Mart, I bought blank index cards, loose leaf notebook paper and folders.  I already began 2 new journals lately and was using one of them with the "exercises". Count me IN, though, so I assembled the tools suggested.

 its been a long life, I'm going to lay down.. AND PRAY i dont awaken screaming... that is getting really REALLY OLD!
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
both photos included in complete Picasa Web albums for further viewing of associated photographs.

I'm fixxing to unleash a full out torrent on here just as soon as I get to my laptop. Grateful for this quiet place!

I Am...

Speechless.



Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Where is the out in escape artistry? (the correct answer is "there isn't one").

There's No Way To Know..... We Have Taken Different Roads,,,

"I try not to think about what might have been,,,, no we'll never know "What Might Have Been"
(Little Big Town)

Seems I am becoming self-aware of a trend for myself? Weekend longings for love,, someone to share my slower, off- peak  times with. I wouldn't expect even a saint to keep up with my insane work schedule, but the more laidback Time Off periods?  Open longings.

That is just where I am. Got to trust that.

Live in this moment, for it exists. It is as real and valid as are  the euphoric times of a job well-done in my industry, or a life touched by a call or email or text... each viable.

Open to what is ahead? It's also okay to go back into Time. Brief forays into the magical creative world of "WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN?"  In this world? No one leaves. No rejections. No sickness. No depravity. No one screws around. No trips to the ER for CAT scans, or closet bruises, cuts, broken bones.

Everyone has a job and loves their day's work, then comes home and June Cleaver has fresh baked bread smelling up the whole house. The porch light is on, the kids come home, bicycles stowed for another night.

M-F, perhaps  I will  skip "Mine and So-and-So's song" because no one is here. Somebody left.  Me or them? Irrelevant.

Fri- Sat-Sun?  Lewis and I HAD  a song,,,, Isaac and I HAVE A SONG NOW,,,, even Ole and I have a few accrued over 15 years of making music together...

Angel - Alisha,,,, even young Jeremiah has a SONG  playing within me.

Certain friends? Yup, I hear an inner melody for them too..

There's one specific Denison & WHHS classmate that I mentor now.  When he calls, I may let him go to voicemail on purpose.  I love to listen to the sounds of his  laughter and smiles  seeping out of his VOICE. That too, is music to my ears.  It also gives me a chance to find out what the topic of today will be, perhaps I will stutter less when we talk on the phone?

The bump bump of the rumble strip? Is music to my ears,, it signifies guidelines and safety practices.

I live in TODAY... Got to trust in RIGHT NOW,,, LIVE IT. LOVE IT. SING IT. DANCE IT. LAUGH IT. CRY IT. FEEL EVERY NUANCE AND BREATH......

On my road, wherever it is leading me today? It is the RIGHT ROAD FOR THIS TODAY,

Trusting, making new music up as i go along,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

If we were perfect, infallible creatures? We wouldn't need grace or mercy. There's a reason it is called REDEMPTION. I screw up. But I also GET BACK UP AGAIN.

Drop Box

Alabama-isms

Annual Peanut Festival, Dothan, Alabama  It's Friday night, Y'all!

 

You know you are in Deep South (Alabama) when the billboard for a chicken wing joint says "You wanted Mo? Now theys Fo". OMG!
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Blow your horn! I wants to get funked up... loving that groove....not sleep inducing, but fun all the same."Old school-music for grown folk"


This is one tired Cracker and the FLORIDA Welcome center never looked so good!  Woo hoo!