In eight days, my oldest daughter will be graduating USF with a Bachelor's degree. Not sure what it is called. It is in Music and is a four year degree. She will be achieving this milestone with many honors, extra sashes, tassels, cords and acclaim. I am SO PROUD OF HER and can bust my buttons!
Her decision to graduate now with one complete degree is bittersweet. She has already invested an additional three years of year round classes towards a Bachelor's in American Sign Language Interpreting. She is dropping that program for the time being with only 10-12 credit hours left to completion. As her Mom? I am concerned that she has run up extra debt and may not ever make it back to finish the degree? Angel loved the work and found her niche in this world. The second degree is the one that she could become certified in to work in her field.
This is another chapter, though, that as her Mom, I am writing today, as I blog here. It is more of previous refrains of "letting go". Empty Nest occured with all of its storms and tearing assunder several years ago. Angel moved away to college May 2005. Alisha moved to live with her Dad and to attend college in May of 2006.
No stranger to letting people in and out of my life. Some of them, we are bound by blood ties. History. Sometimes we have a close bond that we developed past the familial links. Other instances, men and women come in, and like revolving doors, they exit. It may be a period of minutes? Or years? When I take inventory today, my truck is empty. My car sits idle. My belongings are in a storage unit that I am growing tired of paying to maintain.
As Angel's Mom, I am willing to dig in the pitons and provide her living expenses, share her financial burdens, and stand behind her so she can finish the degree while she is on a roll. As her Mom, I also have to accept that July 25, 2010 "a man shall leave his mother, a woman leave her home, and they shall travel on to where the two shall be as one." Angel and her husband Aaron made their decisons based on what they feel is right for them, for the current time. They didn't ask anyone to help. They made choices, set about making life course changes and then informed me of the way things were to be.
Angel and I share one of those extra bonds I mention. We are friends as well as mother daughter. It was a bit tense as she worked out the kinks in her newfound backbone when she "called to inform me". She phrased it in a way that made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up cold, "you can say what you like, but my decison is made and you will not be changing it." Very unusual for Angel or I to talk that way to one another. Bordering on disrespect.
The blessing is that the changes wrought in me in this past season, specifically this past year, prepared me to be able to absorb that attitude, and rock with it before responding. I am proud of myself. I took it in, and was able to divorce my emotions from my responses by telling myself "It's not personal. Be proud of Angel. Hear her out. Find ways to CELEBRATE her life, and do this NOW!!!"
A few people in my life's circle have given me HUGE gifts,,,, no judgements, forgiveness, tolerance, patience, and the proverbial arms to fall back on. Call it what you will. I have experienced so much unconditional "love" that has been acted out towards me as a person? The timing is everything. I was prepared to respond to Angel in her hour of need in kind. What a different outcome a year makes!!!!!!!!!! Grateful to my friends! The ones that love, care, respect and nuture the good in me.
Within the space of the extras breaths I took in during the initial phone call, I was able to shift and turn my daughter's news to accentuating the Positive. She hung up telling me she was relieved, she expected a different response. (I know, remember the hairs on the back of my neck? She almost got a different response, LOL.) It is cool to me that I was able to see that Angel felt SAFE with me, that she was trying her bravery out with the one person she feels safe to do so. She gave me a gift. And one day, she will be able to see that also.
Angel and Aaron - Alisha and Tony, their choices free me up to make choices for myself. Yeah, yeah, I will ALWAYS be the mom. But I make career and lifestyle choices based on what is authentic to me. Recently, Angel spoke to me, then wrote out an affirmation from her to me. She was acknowledging that "although she may not like somethings I do, and may have chosen differently for herself, her responsibility is to accept this as MY choice to make."
How quickly this gets mirrored back to a daughter who had a "growing up" revelation of the separation of mother- daughter-friend. Within a space of weeks, I was called to remember the wisdom from the mouths of babes and extend that same grace back to Angel as a reflection of the gift of light she shone towards me just a short time ago.
A wise friend, from a distant Time Zone and shoreline wrote months ago, and recently reiterated, "I have come to realize that everyone has a God and that I am not it." Now, this friend and I have not met in person. Funny how the people we align ourselves with via prayers, blessings, and gratitude can bring such moments of clarity, stillness and peace into a turbulent time, if only in my own thoughts. Then in a single shock of a phone call, I can pause, breathe and make a shift. Recent training prepared me. Her direction has tempered my subsequent communications with Angel over the last few weeks as we makes arrangements to have a Jubilee to CELEBRATE her milestones and life accomplishments.
As I make the conscious decison to let go of areas I have not actually had the controlling reins of in many years, I am feeling freedom. New spaces are opening up in my heart and mind. I feel the freedom. The power. The gift to CHOOSE how I respond to these changes that I was not ready for.
No one asked me if I was ready. That is not a common question when someone is going to leave. You don't often hear "Are you ready for me to leave and rock your world?" People just come and go and do what they feel is right for themselves at that moment. Even blindsided, it's up to me how I respond.
Today, weeks and months into a personal growth and trimming period? I am saying, "Let's Roll. What's next!?" This week alone has already handed me gifts of new and of old offerings revisited. Especially where my career is concerned. It seems I may be getting a second chance to try some things. I am scared. I am excited. I am ready now, in case you are asking.
Big grin,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Essence
I shall be at peace when the lion within can lie down with the lamb.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Friday, April 22, 2011
A Reminder To Self
I feel led to share this again. Mostly to myself.
Having done all to stand, stand therefore....
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Attitude of Gratitude
Simply GRATEFUL.
My health. My friends. The capacity to love. Music. Angel. Alisha. For compassionate Daddy/God hugs. For my heavenly daddy and for his lap and snuggles. Writing. My job as a driver. For teaching. For Aaron for Angel. For Tony for Alisha. For Jeremiah. For cell phones. For pictures. For emails. For tears that fall and wash my eyes. For tears that sit in my chest and ache.My own Inner Drum. For funny movies, videos. Alan. Mark. Nanci. Rob. Allison. Isaac. Pastor. Rick. Brian. Peter. Theresa. Terry. Charlie. Erin. Rebekah. Michael. East - West coast. North-South. Worldwide. Time.
For my Inspirationators. Inspirationators. Inspirationators.
For the sleep i got last night. For waking up today with this list going over and over in my head. For baseball. For trombones. For guitars. For trains. For finding old friends that I was close to. For building up friends that were acquaintances. For new connections. For people I will meet today.
Freedom.
For whistling. Humming. Grooving. Dancing. Breathing. Meditating. Praying. Reading. Learning. Dreaming. Stretching. Growing.
For songs that get stuck in my head. For dreams with songs. For the new song in my heart. Singing to the angels. Singing out loud. Passion. Life is a song.
For hope. For revelations. For change. For Empty Nest. For my divorce. For Lewis moving on. For my mistakes. For God's forgiveness.
For my forgiving others. Loving others. Caring for others. Reaching out to others. Encouraging others. Assisting others. Connecting others.
Gifts of service. Giving mail, cards, notes. Calling a Stranger by their name. Holding the door open. Extra tip for service. Paying for a stranger's meal. Anonymous. Quiet. On the Down Low.
For the glow. For the light. For the shine. For the bounce. For the sparkle. For the zest. For the crackle. For the enthusiasm. For the joy! For the happy!
For hair. Skin. Senses. Organs. Hands. Feet. Head. Heart. Emotions. Feelings. Wild. Tame. Brilliant. Awesome. Amazing. Gifts. Touch.Texture. Exploration. Curiosity. Discoveries. Sensations. Warm. Hot. Cool. Wet. Trembling. Quivering. Shocking. Knowing. Giving. Receiving. Trying.
Brown paper bags. Depths. Reaches. Shallow. Desire.
For smiles - Of laughter. Of puzzle. Of knowing. Of questioning. Of reassurance. Of tolerance. Of hope. Of dreaming. Of trying. Of pain. Of success. Of failure. Of setback. Of getting up again. Of new ideas. Of revelation. Of inspiration. Of relief. Of the light bulb going on. Of the siren screaming. Of jokes. Of being impish and fun. Of silly. Of goofy. Of lighting up a room. Of lightening a heart. Of love. Of pleasure. Of affection. Of peace. Of knowledge.
For my questions. For my answers. For my puzzles. For my incessant rambling. For my desires. For my curiosity. For my hunger.
For pain. For being alive. For feeling everything so deeply. For being raw. Transparent. Unable to hide. Open. Available. Independence.
For space. For echoes. For void. For whispers. For too much space. For crowding. For vacant, painful space. For fresh space. For things to protect the space. For things to fill the space. For people. Laughter. Love. Suffocating silence. Agony of alone. Cherish alone. Peace. Contrast and Congruence.
For conception. For Process. For birth. For miracle. For wonder. For awe. For death. For pain.
For Addy and Meeshu. Misty and Feylin. Alayna. Ally. Anna. Geo.
For indoor restrooms and the people that pee on them.
For people that listen. For people that stay. For people that leave. For people that pass through for a reason. For angels.
For compassion. For patience. For kindness. For tenderness. For affection. For attraction. For gentleness. For thoughtfulness. For empathy. For solace. For mercy. For grace. For redemption. For more chances than I deserve.
For thunderstorms that rock and sway. For snow and ice. For blue skies and no clouds. For white puffy, 7 minute frosting clouds. For being an optimist. For hope. For belief. For rainbows. For shades of color unimaginable. Birds. Stars.
For mistakes. For lessons. For loss. For opportunities. For blessings. For favor. For heights. For depths. For loneliness. For silence. For giggles. For squeals. For sleepless nights. For heart pain. For mind pain. For body pain. For Soul anguish. For Intercession. For the battle. For warfare. For victory. For defeat. For losing a battle, but winning the war. For drive. For getting back up. For not quitting. For not giving up.
For surviving.
For mom. For dad. For fishing. For reading. For hiking. For lakes! For oceans. For books.
For gardens. For hammocks. For loungers. For sweet iced tea. For swaying boats. For mists that rise. For splashes. For tugs. For front porch swings. For rear porch swings. For rocking chairs and gliders. For ropes. For ladders. For bridges.
For locked doors. For iron. For dungeons. For stairways. For light. For Opportunities. For open doors and windows. For courage. For discernment. For faith. For trying. For door knobs. For dragons. For the Prince.
For reconciliation. For walls. For armor.For castles. For bridges. For inroads. For offerings. For openings. For chinks. For weapons. For mercy. For chances. For forgetting. For letting go. For being vulnerable. For being gentle with others. For whispers. For roars. For whoops. For unspoken. For LOOKS. For eyes, oh! For the eyes. For touch.
For bounty. Plenty. Abundance. Overflow. Gifts. Sharing. Space. Simplicity. Echoes. Radar.
For tremulous hope.
For TRIUMPH!
For people that stay. That withstand. That hold. That last. That care. That listen. That read. That keep their silence. That answer back. That share. That suggest. That forebear. That KNOW. That are clueless. That try. That walk away. That hang in there. That come back. That have years with me. That have only minutes. Those that pass through my life for a time, a season, a reason.
For miracles. For new birth. For new beginnings. For past. For old ways. Old traditions. For heritage. For roots. For new trails yet to blaze. For excitement. For Adventure. For mountains. Valleys. Plateaus. Rocks. Holes. Pits. Canyons. Deserts. Dust. Lush. Curves. Detours. No Wrong Turns. Construction zones. Chasms. The abyss. Shorelines. Tides. Anchors. Moorings. Buoys. Lighthouses.
For anyone that reads this.
For me.
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Having done all to stand, stand therefore....
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Attitude of Gratitude
Simply GRATEFUL.
My health. My friends. The capacity to love. Music. Angel. Alisha. For compassionate Daddy/God hugs. For my heavenly daddy and for his lap and snuggles. Writing. My job as a driver. For teaching. For Aaron for Angel. For Tony for Alisha. For Jeremiah. For cell phones. For pictures. For emails. For tears that fall and wash my eyes. For tears that sit in my chest and ache.My own Inner Drum. For funny movies, videos. Alan. Mark. Nanci. Rob. Allison. Isaac. Pastor. Rick. Brian. Peter. Theresa. Terry. Charlie. Erin. Rebekah. Michael. East - West coast. North-South. Worldwide. Time.
For my Inspirationators. Inspirationators. Inspirationators.
For the sleep i got last night. For waking up today with this list going over and over in my head. For baseball. For trombones. For guitars. For trains. For finding old friends that I was close to. For building up friends that were acquaintances. For new connections. For people I will meet today.
Freedom.
For whistling. Humming. Grooving. Dancing. Breathing. Meditating. Praying. Reading. Learning. Dreaming. Stretching. Growing.
For songs that get stuck in my head. For dreams with songs. For the new song in my heart. Singing to the angels. Singing out loud. Passion. Life is a song.
For hope. For revelations. For change. For Empty Nest. For my divorce. For Lewis moving on. For my mistakes. For God's forgiveness.
For my forgiving others. Loving others. Caring for others. Reaching out to others. Encouraging others. Assisting others. Connecting others.
Gifts of service. Giving mail, cards, notes. Calling a Stranger by their name. Holding the door open. Extra tip for service. Paying for a stranger's meal. Anonymous. Quiet. On the Down Low.
For the glow. For the light. For the shine. For the bounce. For the sparkle. For the zest. For the crackle. For the enthusiasm. For the joy! For the happy!
For hair. Skin. Senses. Organs. Hands. Feet. Head. Heart. Emotions. Feelings. Wild. Tame. Brilliant. Awesome. Amazing. Gifts. Touch.Texture. Exploration. Curiosity. Discoveries. Sensations. Warm. Hot. Cool. Wet. Trembling. Quivering. Shocking. Knowing. Giving. Receiving. Trying.
Brown paper bags. Depths. Reaches. Shallow. Desire.
For smiles - Of laughter. Of puzzle. Of knowing. Of questioning. Of reassurance. Of tolerance. Of hope. Of dreaming. Of trying. Of pain. Of success. Of failure. Of setback. Of getting up again. Of new ideas. Of revelation. Of inspiration. Of relief. Of the light bulb going on. Of the siren screaming. Of jokes. Of being impish and fun. Of silly. Of goofy. Of lighting up a room. Of lightening a heart. Of love. Of pleasure. Of affection. Of peace. Of knowledge.
For my questions. For my answers. For my puzzles. For my incessant rambling. For my desires. For my curiosity. For my hunger.
For pain. For being alive. For feeling everything so deeply. For being raw. Transparent. Unable to hide. Open. Available. Independence.
For space. For echoes. For void. For whispers. For too much space. For crowding. For vacant, painful space. For fresh space. For things to protect the space. For things to fill the space. For people. Laughter. Love. Suffocating silence. Agony of alone. Cherish alone. Peace. Contrast and Congruence.
For conception. For Process. For birth. For miracle. For wonder. For awe. For death. For pain.
For Addy and Meeshu. Misty and Feylin. Alayna. Ally. Anna. Geo.
For indoor restrooms and the people that pee on them.
For people that listen. For people that stay. For people that leave. For people that pass through for a reason. For angels.
For compassion. For patience. For kindness. For tenderness. For affection. For attraction. For gentleness. For thoughtfulness. For empathy. For solace. For mercy. For grace. For redemption. For more chances than I deserve.
For thunderstorms that rock and sway. For snow and ice. For blue skies and no clouds. For white puffy, 7 minute frosting clouds. For being an optimist. For hope. For belief. For rainbows. For shades of color unimaginable. Birds. Stars.
For mistakes. For lessons. For loss. For opportunities. For blessings. For favor. For heights. For depths. For loneliness. For silence. For giggles. For squeals. For sleepless nights. For heart pain. For mind pain. For body pain. For Soul anguish. For Intercession. For the battle. For warfare. For victory. For defeat. For losing a battle, but winning the war. For drive. For getting back up. For not quitting. For not giving up.
For surviving.
For mom. For dad. For fishing. For reading. For hiking. For lakes! For oceans. For books.
For gardens. For hammocks. For loungers. For sweet iced tea. For swaying boats. For mists that rise. For splashes. For tugs. For front porch swings. For rear porch swings. For rocking chairs and gliders. For ropes. For ladders. For bridges.
For locked doors. For iron. For dungeons. For stairways. For light. For Opportunities. For open doors and windows. For courage. For discernment. For faith. For trying. For door knobs. For dragons. For the Prince.
For reconciliation. For walls. For armor.For castles. For bridges. For inroads. For offerings. For openings. For chinks. For weapons. For mercy. For chances. For forgetting. For letting go. For being vulnerable. For being gentle with others. For whispers. For roars. For whoops. For unspoken. For LOOKS. For eyes, oh! For the eyes. For touch.
For bounty. Plenty. Abundance. Overflow. Gifts. Sharing. Space. Simplicity. Echoes. Radar.
For tremulous hope.
For TRIUMPH!
For people that stay. That withstand. That hold. That last. That care. That listen. That read. That keep their silence. That answer back. That share. That suggest. That forebear. That KNOW. That are clueless. That try. That walk away. That hang in there. That come back. That have years with me. That have only minutes. Those that pass through my life for a time, a season, a reason.
For miracles. For new birth. For new beginnings. For past. For old ways. Old traditions. For heritage. For roots. For new trails yet to blaze. For excitement. For Adventure. For mountains. Valleys. Plateaus. Rocks. Holes. Pits. Canyons. Deserts. Dust. Lush. Curves. Detours. No Wrong Turns. Construction zones. Chasms. The abyss. Shorelines. Tides. Anchors. Moorings. Buoys. Lighthouses.
For anyone that reads this.
For me.
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
WOW Worship? Yes, I Will!
Reminded today, that I who have so MUCH,, give so little. And my friends,who had so little,,, gave me SO MUCH.
My 20oth Blog Post since opening this site on October 4, 2010!
Dear Donna Hanner, those of us left behind yet a little while miss you something fierce. I hug Jim every time I see him, and he clings to me. Almost a year has gone by, and he weeps still.
Today, it is a new day full of hope and promise. I have your cd. I want to ask you, where you are in heaven? Will you join me in a song today? I will sing from here. Between us??
"LET THE GLORY OF THE LORD RISE AMONG US, LET IT RISE!!!!"
Tuesday was a bit of a transition for me. I had to face the reality that, like it or not, a Change had taken place. I had to pick up with what I had available to me and go forward. This was an emotional time.
I’m referring to the time had come for me to shop to replace necessary items that had been taken in the theft. It’s been a couple of weeks. The theft itself has had time to sink in. I made peace with my insecurity fears. I made a list of missing items, sent it in via email to the Heartland Express Channels. It was swept under the rug. No one even wants to talk about it with me. My car is paid for, so I only carry FL requirements of liability. I don’t own a home or rent an apartment. No insurance in other words.
The Schrade Old Timer knife my Dad gave me upon my gradutaion from Electronics school, my daughter’s backpacks, and the digital camera card with Angel’s wedding and Jeremiah’s new birth? Will never be replaced.
Some items were important to the daily function of my truck. Tools, a Commercial Vehicle Operator’s atlas, cleaning supplies (those add up), even scissors and tape had to be replaced.
I work hard to keep a positive attitude. I don’t need much for myself of my money usually, so I give it away as people need it. To have to ring up a big ticket to replace what I already invested in once? Was painful.
After a nap, I went back to work. I was organizing my truck while I waited to be loaded at a Shaw’s plant in Andalusia, AL. I came across a gift. I write this now, abashed and humbled.
There was a middle aged couple from my church, Jim and Donna Hanner. They were both bent over with physical injuries. A bit hard to get to know, especially Donna was a bit of a crusty curmudegeon. Yet, Countless times, God led me to them to pray in the altar. I would request permission, and lay hands on Donna’s hip, knee, feet.
My church has an annual picnic in March. There is a photographic taken of Donna, leaning on her cane, talking to me as I manned the massive grill in 2010. Her husband, Jim, bent over almost in half and his neck crooked, stands, as he always does, right by Donna's side.
In May '10, Donna stumbled. She got back up, but had a “catch” in her abdomen area. On their way to church she told Jim, “You better take me to the ER. Something’s wrong.”
Donna had advanced cancer from her lungs, stomach, all the organs and linings in the front of her abdomen!!!!
For a week, I was OTR and unable to get in to town. Hospitals are NOT my thing at all!! Yet, God asked me to go see Donna. When I went,, she was making jokes with the nurses, drifting in and out of consciousness. Jim and I talked a lot that day. I knew he ADORED her. I found out there as a visitor to her bedside, that Jim and Donna both were pilots, and that Donna had been a competitive dancer, before she broke her hip and knee.
Jim cried a lot,,, I reached over to touch him a lot. I held them both a lot. Their 3 children were not there right then to visit them. Our church family and ministry had been in and out as they could.
I left that day glad I had obeyed God. It was the last time I ever saw Donna alive. She passed away at home less than 3 weeks later. I was OTR again and did not get another opportunity to say goodbye.
Jim is lost without his companion of almost 50 years. One day, he came to me at church, with a tattered bag in his hands. He wanted me to have Donna’s music collection. A scruffy, scratched collection of cds and cassette tapes. Most were very old style, not my type of music at all. I put them in a shoebox here on my truck and ,,,,, well, to be honest? I forgot about them. I kept them to honor my friends.
Tonight? While organizing and unpackaging my new supplies, my hand brushed a cd. I looked at it and fell apart into humbled tears. Here I was feeling down about the theft, and yet, here, on THIS DAY, my hand comes to a cd that once was loved by Donna.
The cd? A 2 cd-set called “WOW Worship”. Over 30 songs of worship and praise by contemporary Christian artists .. this set happened to be from 2004 when I was “backslid” and out of the church scene at all. Songs and some artists that I do not even recognize.
WHAT TIMING!!!! The cds were filthy and scratched,, just as they came to me from Jim in that torn plastic bag. After I lovingly wiped them down? Beautiful, like new condition.
As I go on my way today, from Andalusia to Ringgold, GA I will pop one into my player. Reconnecting with my friends, Jim and Donna Hanner, and obeying a call to WORSHIP GOD with all I have within me. No longer sad about my situations, they are so petty and pale in comparison. Jim still mourns his loss of his mate and best friend. I see it in his eyes every time I approach him at church to hug his frail body.
I who have so MUCH,, give so little. And my friends,who had so little,,, gave me SO MUCH.
Thoroughly rocked my world tonight… from both sides of the clouds.
To Donna? I love you. Sing to the angels. I will join you from here.
To Jim? I love you too. May my hug infuse you as God himself would embrace you.
To myself? Loved and cherished by God and my church family, I go on up the road.
With a lump in my throat, ache in my heart, and smile on my lips,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
As I began the travel with my loaded trailer? The worship songs filled my truck and daybreak's dawn began to glow through the Southern pines and oaks. I am not alone. Angels and my friends join in a heavenly chorus,,,, LET THE GLORY OF THE LORD RISE AMONG US, LET IT RISE!!!
My 20oth Blog Post since opening this site on October 4, 2010!
Dear Donna Hanner, those of us left behind yet a little while miss you something fierce. I hug Jim every time I see him, and he clings to me. Almost a year has gone by, and he weeps still.
Today, it is a new day full of hope and promise. I have your cd. I want to ask you, where you are in heaven? Will you join me in a song today? I will sing from here. Between us??
"LET THE GLORY OF THE LORD RISE AMONG US, LET IT RISE!!!!"
Tuesday was a bit of a transition for me. I had to face the reality that, like it or not, a Change had taken place. I had to pick up with what I had available to me and go forward. This was an emotional time.
I’m referring to the time had come for me to shop to replace necessary items that had been taken in the theft. It’s been a couple of weeks. The theft itself has had time to sink in. I made peace with my insecurity fears. I made a list of missing items, sent it in via email to the Heartland Express Channels. It was swept under the rug. No one even wants to talk about it with me. My car is paid for, so I only carry FL requirements of liability. I don’t own a home or rent an apartment. No insurance in other words.
The Schrade Old Timer knife my Dad gave me upon my gradutaion from Electronics school, my daughter’s backpacks, and the digital camera card with Angel’s wedding and Jeremiah’s new birth? Will never be replaced.
Some items were important to the daily function of my truck. Tools, a Commercial Vehicle Operator’s atlas, cleaning supplies (those add up), even scissors and tape had to be replaced.
I work hard to keep a positive attitude. I don’t need much for myself of my money usually, so I give it away as people need it. To have to ring up a big ticket to replace what I already invested in once? Was painful.
After a nap, I went back to work. I was organizing my truck while I waited to be loaded at a Shaw’s plant in Andalusia, AL. I came across a gift. I write this now, abashed and humbled.
There was a middle aged couple from my church, Jim and Donna Hanner. They were both bent over with physical injuries. A bit hard to get to know, especially Donna was a bit of a crusty curmudegeon. Yet, Countless times, God led me to them to pray in the altar. I would request permission, and lay hands on Donna’s hip, knee, feet.
My church has an annual picnic in March. There is a photographic taken of Donna, leaning on her cane, talking to me as I manned the massive grill in 2010. Her husband, Jim, bent over almost in half and his neck crooked, stands, as he always does, right by Donna's side.
In May '10, Donna stumbled. She got back up, but had a “catch” in her abdomen area. On their way to church she told Jim, “You better take me to the ER. Something’s wrong.”
Donna had advanced cancer from her lungs, stomach, all the organs and linings in the front of her abdomen!!!!
For a week, I was OTR and unable to get in to town. Hospitals are NOT my thing at all!! Yet, God asked me to go see Donna. When I went,, she was making jokes with the nurses, drifting in and out of consciousness. Jim and I talked a lot that day. I knew he ADORED her. I found out there as a visitor to her bedside, that Jim and Donna both were pilots, and that Donna had been a competitive dancer, before she broke her hip and knee.
Jim cried a lot,,, I reached over to touch him a lot. I held them both a lot. Their 3 children were not there right then to visit them. Our church family and ministry had been in and out as they could.
I left that day glad I had obeyed God. It was the last time I ever saw Donna alive. She passed away at home less than 3 weeks later. I was OTR again and did not get another opportunity to say goodbye.
Jim is lost without his companion of almost 50 years. One day, he came to me at church, with a tattered bag in his hands. He wanted me to have Donna’s music collection. A scruffy, scratched collection of cds and cassette tapes. Most were very old style, not my type of music at all. I put them in a shoebox here on my truck and ,,,,, well, to be honest? I forgot about them. I kept them to honor my friends.
Tonight? While organizing and unpackaging my new supplies, my hand brushed a cd. I looked at it and fell apart into humbled tears. Here I was feeling down about the theft, and yet, here, on THIS DAY, my hand comes to a cd that once was loved by Donna.
The cd? A 2 cd-set called “WOW Worship”. Over 30 songs of worship and praise by contemporary Christian artists .. this set happened to be from 2004 when I was “backslid” and out of the church scene at all. Songs and some artists that I do not even recognize.
WHAT TIMING!!!! The cds were filthy and scratched,, just as they came to me from Jim in that torn plastic bag. After I lovingly wiped them down? Beautiful, like new condition.
As I go on my way today, from Andalusia to Ringgold, GA I will pop one into my player. Reconnecting with my friends, Jim and Donna Hanner, and obeying a call to WORSHIP GOD with all I have within me. No longer sad about my situations, they are so petty and pale in comparison. Jim still mourns his loss of his mate and best friend. I see it in his eyes every time I approach him at church to hug his frail body.
I who have so MUCH,, give so little. And my friends,who had so little,,, gave me SO MUCH.
Thoroughly rocked my world tonight… from both sides of the clouds.
To Donna? I love you. Sing to the angels. I will join you from here.
To Jim? I love you too. May my hug infuse you as God himself would embrace you.
To myself? Loved and cherished by God and my church family, I go on up the road.
With a lump in my throat, ache in my heart, and smile on my lips,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
As I began the travel with my loaded trailer? The worship songs filled my truck and daybreak's dawn began to glow through the Southern pines and oaks. I am not alone. Angels and my friends join in a heavenly chorus,,,, LET THE GLORY OF THE LORD RISE AMONG US, LET IT RISE!!!
Monday, April 4, 2011
Helping Others
Through a series of events that are lining up, I am finding myself offered more and more opportunities to reach out to others. In the church, we call it "sharing the word of our testimony". Same concept here.
There is a light in all of us. We can try to deny it or hide it under a bush, but the light is not us to begin with. This eternal flame is God beaming from within! So I don't think it very odd to be told "there is a GLOW about you!" or to be asked "What is different?!"
The only thing different is that I have recently come to a place of peace. I am surrendering my attempts at control of my life. Seeking God with all of my heart.
My continuous prayers go something like this:" God let me see myself as you do today. Let me see others the way you see them. Let me see problems the way you do. Give me a greater measure of compassion and love for others than I have ever experienced before. I take this mantle and go forth with your boldness, to reach out and touch the world to your glory. Thank you for your grace, mercy, and fresh beginnings. Thank you for calling me and annointing me to assist others. Here I am, Lord, send me."
Before I rise in the morning, I spend time in experiencing GRATITUDE for everything in my life. The list gets longer and more silly, if you will, the more I practice gratitude. That's because I begin to see the little things.
For instance, one time on the beach I decided to try an exercise for the first time. It was a series of 3 deliberate breaths. Now, at that moment, I had only read the suggestion, not the instructions. So, feeling a bit silly, I did it the way God led me.
It felt so AWESOME, I did it again, just for the pleasure of it. Then, I opened my eyes to a whole new world! It was still the same beach, same lounge chair, same sun beaming. However, I saw on an entire beach FULL of white sand, a tiny hill shift, as though an ant lion had kicked it from inside. There was an extra line of breakers curling within the obvious 3 or 4 big waves. I could smell more than Coppertone, BBQ, and wet things. I felt very ALIVE and tingling with excitement.
That is what people see today. That ZEST for Life! And they are drawn to ask me, "What is the difference?"
We all have things going on in our lives. Some days we are on top of the mountain. Some days, seems we are scraping the barrel for energy just to go another step. Some days? All we can do is breathe in and out, and even that is exhausting work. There will always be an ebb and flow.
When a friend or acquaintence asks me "What is it?" ,,, I am ready with the answer, which is my gift to give right now - MY TESTIMONY. I listen intutively for their cues. And often, instead of a closed pat answer, I will lead them into answering their own question. I will guide them to asking POSITIVE, POWERFUL questions. I give them resources to use for the follow through. Offer to be available to sound ideas out. And every time, I add them to the list of people that I pray for.
It isn't me they see. It won't be me that helps them or holds the key to their answers. The person already possesses the answer within themselves. The decision to trust their own light from within will rest with them.
So, I go on up the road. Growing in my own life. Listening for others when they reach out. Cheering with them, loving them, helping them along their way.
It's a good day.
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
There is a light in all of us. We can try to deny it or hide it under a bush, but the light is not us to begin with. This eternal flame is God beaming from within! So I don't think it very odd to be told "there is a GLOW about you!" or to be asked "What is different?!"
The only thing different is that I have recently come to a place of peace. I am surrendering my attempts at control of my life. Seeking God with all of my heart.
My continuous prayers go something like this:" God let me see myself as you do today. Let me see others the way you see them. Let me see problems the way you do. Give me a greater measure of compassion and love for others than I have ever experienced before. I take this mantle and go forth with your boldness, to reach out and touch the world to your glory. Thank you for your grace, mercy, and fresh beginnings. Thank you for calling me and annointing me to assist others. Here I am, Lord, send me."
Before I rise in the morning, I spend time in experiencing GRATITUDE for everything in my life. The list gets longer and more silly, if you will, the more I practice gratitude. That's because I begin to see the little things.
For instance, one time on the beach I decided to try an exercise for the first time. It was a series of 3 deliberate breaths. Now, at that moment, I had only read the suggestion, not the instructions. So, feeling a bit silly, I did it the way God led me.
It felt so AWESOME, I did it again, just for the pleasure of it. Then, I opened my eyes to a whole new world! It was still the same beach, same lounge chair, same sun beaming. However, I saw on an entire beach FULL of white sand, a tiny hill shift, as though an ant lion had kicked it from inside. There was an extra line of breakers curling within the obvious 3 or 4 big waves. I could smell more than Coppertone, BBQ, and wet things. I felt very ALIVE and tingling with excitement.
That is what people see today. That ZEST for Life! And they are drawn to ask me, "What is the difference?"
We all have things going on in our lives. Some days we are on top of the mountain. Some days, seems we are scraping the barrel for energy just to go another step. Some days? All we can do is breathe in and out, and even that is exhausting work. There will always be an ebb and flow.
When a friend or acquaintence asks me "What is it?" ,,, I am ready with the answer, which is my gift to give right now - MY TESTIMONY. I listen intutively for their cues. And often, instead of a closed pat answer, I will lead them into answering their own question. I will guide them to asking POSITIVE, POWERFUL questions. I give them resources to use for the follow through. Offer to be available to sound ideas out. And every time, I add them to the list of people that I pray for.
It isn't me they see. It won't be me that helps them or holds the key to their answers. The person already possesses the answer within themselves. The decision to trust their own light from within will rest with them.
So, I go on up the road. Growing in my own life. Listening for others when they reach out. Cheering with them, loving them, helping them along their way.
It's a good day.
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Where Are Those Elusive ZZzzzzS?
For one reason or another, I have not been on the blog to write deeply in awhile.
When it comes to Angel and Aaron? My words get jammed up. Stuck somewhere between bile in my stomach and an ache in my heart. My opportunity to exercise and grow in my LOVE, GRATITUDE, AND FORGIVENESS.
Work has been awesome!! I certainly know that today could be a feast, and tomorrow a famine! At the moment, I am making more miles per week than my brother with his 15 yrs driving experience. Also, I make 3.5 cents per mile MORE than he does!
My only complaint, if it that is even the negative word for it? Is that somehow I got flipped to driving the night shift. I have been asking to get solar -powered again. Now that it is the weekend? I am going to take this opportunity of less staff in the offices and I am going to bed in a few minutes (4pm) and not getting up until I wake up on my own!!!! Sometime Sunday :)
I have a huge amount of wishes, hopes, and dreams percolating right now. Yet, I am not writing much at all, anywhere. Still here. Just waiting... on inspiration. On release. On Relief. On clarity.
Meanwhile, I reach out to others. Both for my own support and to bounce ideas with me. And I reach out to others. Often, people are seeking me. Which is fine too. I am flowing as the Spirit directs and remaining open to the incoming and outgoing flow of energy and inspiration.
Remaining grateful for friends, family, and loved ones that pray with me, that ride vicariously with me OTR, and that Journey this crazy thing we call LIFE with me. I am very blessed. Abundantly.
My desire is to serve and love others with all I have within me.
Let it be, Lord, let it be.
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
When it comes to Angel and Aaron? My words get jammed up. Stuck somewhere between bile in my stomach and an ache in my heart. My opportunity to exercise and grow in my LOVE, GRATITUDE, AND FORGIVENESS.
Work has been awesome!! I certainly know that today could be a feast, and tomorrow a famine! At the moment, I am making more miles per week than my brother with his 15 yrs driving experience. Also, I make 3.5 cents per mile MORE than he does!
My only complaint, if it that is even the negative word for it? Is that somehow I got flipped to driving the night shift. I have been asking to get solar -powered again. Now that it is the weekend? I am going to take this opportunity of less staff in the offices and I am going to bed in a few minutes (4pm) and not getting up until I wake up on my own!!!! Sometime Sunday :)
I have a huge amount of wishes, hopes, and dreams percolating right now. Yet, I am not writing much at all, anywhere. Still here. Just waiting... on inspiration. On release. On Relief. On clarity.
Meanwhile, I reach out to others. Both for my own support and to bounce ideas with me. And I reach out to others. Often, people are seeking me. Which is fine too. I am flowing as the Spirit directs and remaining open to the incoming and outgoing flow of energy and inspiration.
Remaining grateful for friends, family, and loved ones that pray with me, that ride vicariously with me OTR, and that Journey this crazy thing we call LIFE with me. I am very blessed. Abundantly.
My desire is to serve and love others with all I have within me.
Let it be, Lord, let it be.
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Monday, March 28, 2011
Letting Go I Win, Holding On I Lose
That title is old, coming from the LIFE CHANGING radically impacting podcast from Dr. Charles Stanley in his "Blessings in Brokeness" series June 2008. That message stripped me naked, and allowed spiritual healing to fully begin. In a sense, they were my Walls of Jericho, and they sustained a mortar hit of cataclysmic proportions.
The next phrase to hit me as strongly, in its Simple In Its Beauty- kind of way is "What am I holding onto that is no longer serving me?"
Funny, how years apart and sources EXTREMELY varied, the same inner message is revisited and made new in its timelessness.
Letting Go...
This is an area, among many that I struggle with. A few segments would be the storage shed I keep of homemade Christmas ornaments, hand prints, and Play Doh hearts on strings. Most everything points to "back when I had a family". Of course, I still have the same family members, even new faces.
After sitting all day at a shipper and being lazy, resting, I got up and felt led to some deeper meditations. They were not new. But I was asked to treat them like it was the very first time. Much as a Christian, we look back and remember our fervor, joy, and zeal in the "First Love" when we give our lives to God.
What I found there is challenging me. At the moment, it has me raw, and a cross between a laugh and a cry. It is not that there is work to do. As long as I breathe, I will have more that can be accomplished. It is wrestling inside with feelings of frustration and of failure. I SHOULD BE able to get closure and I SHOULD BE able to forgive and grow onward.
Yet, I am holding on. To negative thoughts. To old ways. To my past. To anchors that have become weights, no longer grounding me, but holding me down.
So, I write with a vex in my spirit, and no answer.
I know what I need to do. I stand poised to act. And I back away,, and sit there, remaining in my confusion.
THe decision is mine. The choice is mine. The action to take is mine.
WHAT AM I HOLDING ON TO????
No answer,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
The next phrase to hit me as strongly, in its Simple In Its Beauty- kind of way is "What am I holding onto that is no longer serving me?"
Funny, how years apart and sources EXTREMELY varied, the same inner message is revisited and made new in its timelessness.
Letting Go...
This is an area, among many that I struggle with. A few segments would be the storage shed I keep of homemade Christmas ornaments, hand prints, and Play Doh hearts on strings. Most everything points to "back when I had a family". Of course, I still have the same family members, even new faces.
After sitting all day at a shipper and being lazy, resting, I got up and felt led to some deeper meditations. They were not new. But I was asked to treat them like it was the very first time. Much as a Christian, we look back and remember our fervor, joy, and zeal in the "First Love" when we give our lives to God.
What I found there is challenging me. At the moment, it has me raw, and a cross between a laugh and a cry. It is not that there is work to do. As long as I breathe, I will have more that can be accomplished. It is wrestling inside with feelings of frustration and of failure. I SHOULD BE able to get closure and I SHOULD BE able to forgive and grow onward.
Yet, I am holding on. To negative thoughts. To old ways. To my past. To anchors that have become weights, no longer grounding me, but holding me down.
So, I write with a vex in my spirit, and no answer.
I know what I need to do. I stand poised to act. And I back away,, and sit there, remaining in my confusion.
THe decision is mine. The choice is mine. The action to take is mine.
WHAT AM I HOLDING ON TO????
No answer,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Exploring The Deeper Portions Of Connection
March 17, 2011, Thursday
Return from Pueblo to Florida
A quote from the book I picked up at a thrift store in Colorado Springs for twenty-five cents, has once again stirred my compassion and inspiration. It fits so well with this trip.
“…. A human thread now linked her to the life we all share. It is this connection we crave the most. But it is up to us to find the will to weave the first strand.” Deepak Chopra in “The Deeper Wound”.
Prior to the trip planning, I named these visits to connect with my youngest daughter Alisha and her immediate family in Pueblo as Reunion, Reconciliation, and Reconnection. They are chapters in the book that is ever being written between a minimum of four living generations of my direct family line. My parents, myself, my daughters, and now my grandchildren are living in a time of shift and of Change.
As individuals, ever in a constant state of flux, we adapt, we discard, and we tend to seek new comfort zones. We close out old, unprofitable relationships with people, places, things and we create new identities every day. When we are pure and honest in our intentions, these graft in the surrounding world to reflect the authentic self within each of us.
It is at times of diversity and of separation that we may feel less connected to others than usual. Humans created to be social beings, resist these shifts and may view them as losses to be grieved over. Perhaps we may fight to maintain the status quo in order to stay with what we know or perceive. It is in these experiences of trial and error that we grow. Yet, no matter how dark the circumstances seem to be? We remain interconnected to God and to one another. This tenuous thread of Connection is a lifeline buoying us to survive in seasons of growth with triumph and faith.
Today I admit candidly that I have experienced both sides in the past few years. Not one of us will be the same tomorrow that we are today. Speaking for myself, I choose to walk softly, to tread in gracious mercy, and to offer peace and my hand to lift up another in love, gratitude, and forgiveness. These personal awareness and growth moments produce inward thinking shifts that are manifesting outwardly as I began in the recent past days to reap the blessings of the truth “you attract what you radiate outward.”
When the tumultuous dissension occurred several years ago, many hearts, emotions and relationship threads were injured. I am not sure why God has chosen me to be the ambassador of goodwill and restoration? But I accept this role. I feel it to be directly in line with His will to fervently foster peace and hope between family, friends, and loved ones.
This carries a heavy sense of responsibility to seek the truth, to be the mediatior, and to nourish the basic blocks of integration of tolerance back into the daily patterns of my family. Alisha has tried to reach out to others, such as her Dad, but with diffident results. She asks me to contact my side of the family and her sister to relay updates and concerns. Alisha specifically works extremely hard at multiple jobs, and holds the role of daughter, wife, mother, and employee. If I can ease her burden a bit? I will do so gladly.
This trip to the gorgeous Rockies then was much more than a journal entry, a Kodak moment, or food for our bellies as we socialized. It was a foray deep into the Supernatural realm of restorative bridge building in relationships. One by one, slowly over time, we are tearing down walls of mistrust, pain, or injured memories. We are connected by blood in this instance. Thrilled to recognize all of this as so much more, we are connected infinitely by God and Universe. Giant strides to healthy relationships and hopes for future are occurring with every phone call, text, email, visit or physical touch in a hug or handshake.
Through perfect will of God, I have been guided to learning how to be deliberate in my breathing, in my choices, in my experiencing intimately of the full presence of every moment. To be aware of every sensation and thought right here, right now. I am grateful to many who have breathed life into dormant parts of my life. You know who you are and I cherish every instance and recognize the gifts apparent. God has used many voices, many people, many mediums, and a concerted effort to jolt me from my complacency and to stir healing in my uttermost places. He has been waiting to bestow new life more abundantly if I would just be aware.
My fervent question to each of you is “How may I serve you?” Please, let me be a helpful part today. If anyone has the courage to reach outside and touch the life of another? Let him ask for assistance. If he has extra, let him offer to share where he has a bounty so that it may further the health of a fellow? Both directions facilitate the cycle of giving and receiving. Don’t be shy. Let me lift you higher.
Simply thankful for all of the life I have been allowed to experience to date, and expectant with joyful anticipation for the next leg of the onward Journey. Connected with my friends, my family, my fellows travelers I am not alone or unassisted. This is truly a time when “angels walk the earth as women and men”.
Embracing our connection,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Return from Pueblo to Florida
A quote from the book I picked up at a thrift store in Colorado Springs for twenty-five cents, has once again stirred my compassion and inspiration. It fits so well with this trip.
“…. A human thread now linked her to the life we all share. It is this connection we crave the most. But it is up to us to find the will to weave the first strand.” Deepak Chopra in “The Deeper Wound”.
Prior to the trip planning, I named these visits to connect with my youngest daughter Alisha and her immediate family in Pueblo as Reunion, Reconciliation, and Reconnection. They are chapters in the book that is ever being written between a minimum of four living generations of my direct family line. My parents, myself, my daughters, and now my grandchildren are living in a time of shift and of Change.
As individuals, ever in a constant state of flux, we adapt, we discard, and we tend to seek new comfort zones. We close out old, unprofitable relationships with people, places, things and we create new identities every day. When we are pure and honest in our intentions, these graft in the surrounding world to reflect the authentic self within each of us.
It is at times of diversity and of separation that we may feel less connected to others than usual. Humans created to be social beings, resist these shifts and may view them as losses to be grieved over. Perhaps we may fight to maintain the status quo in order to stay with what we know or perceive. It is in these experiences of trial and error that we grow. Yet, no matter how dark the circumstances seem to be? We remain interconnected to God and to one another. This tenuous thread of Connection is a lifeline buoying us to survive in seasons of growth with triumph and faith.
Today I admit candidly that I have experienced both sides in the past few years. Not one of us will be the same tomorrow that we are today. Speaking for myself, I choose to walk softly, to tread in gracious mercy, and to offer peace and my hand to lift up another in love, gratitude, and forgiveness. These personal awareness and growth moments produce inward thinking shifts that are manifesting outwardly as I began in the recent past days to reap the blessings of the truth “you attract what you radiate outward.”
When the tumultuous dissension occurred several years ago, many hearts, emotions and relationship threads were injured. I am not sure why God has chosen me to be the ambassador of goodwill and restoration? But I accept this role. I feel it to be directly in line with His will to fervently foster peace and hope between family, friends, and loved ones.
This carries a heavy sense of responsibility to seek the truth, to be the mediatior, and to nourish the basic blocks of integration of tolerance back into the daily patterns of my family. Alisha has tried to reach out to others, such as her Dad, but with diffident results. She asks me to contact my side of the family and her sister to relay updates and concerns. Alisha specifically works extremely hard at multiple jobs, and holds the role of daughter, wife, mother, and employee. If I can ease her burden a bit? I will do so gladly.
This trip to the gorgeous Rockies then was much more than a journal entry, a Kodak moment, or food for our bellies as we socialized. It was a foray deep into the Supernatural realm of restorative bridge building in relationships. One by one, slowly over time, we are tearing down walls of mistrust, pain, or injured memories. We are connected by blood in this instance. Thrilled to recognize all of this as so much more, we are connected infinitely by God and Universe. Giant strides to healthy relationships and hopes for future are occurring with every phone call, text, email, visit or physical touch in a hug or handshake.
Through perfect will of God, I have been guided to learning how to be deliberate in my breathing, in my choices, in my experiencing intimately of the full presence of every moment. To be aware of every sensation and thought right here, right now. I am grateful to many who have breathed life into dormant parts of my life. You know who you are and I cherish every instance and recognize the gifts apparent. God has used many voices, many people, many mediums, and a concerted effort to jolt me from my complacency and to stir healing in my uttermost places. He has been waiting to bestow new life more abundantly if I would just be aware.
My fervent question to each of you is “How may I serve you?” Please, let me be a helpful part today. If anyone has the courage to reach outside and touch the life of another? Let him ask for assistance. If he has extra, let him offer to share where he has a bounty so that it may further the health of a fellow? Both directions facilitate the cycle of giving and receiving. Don’t be shy. Let me lift you higher.
Simply thankful for all of the life I have been allowed to experience to date, and expectant with joyful anticipation for the next leg of the onward Journey. Connected with my friends, my family, my fellows travelers I am not alone or unassisted. This is truly a time when “angels walk the earth as women and men”.
Embracing our connection,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Entertaining Angels Unawares
This blog will be hard to write through grateful, humbled tears. I don't know where to begin, except to say that just a moment ago I was graced to meet an angel unawares. Her name was Mary Jane and is she is at least 70 years old living in "the shanty by the tracks". We met today when I bought her an additional $20 in gasoline. I wish to tell her story, not to highlight my role in today, but rather to encourage anyone who reads to take the chance, who knows when it is your turn to meet an angel face to face.
My work has been frustrating since they put in the electronic logs called People Net. It records in real time and silly things, mundane chores, unexpected opportunities eat at the available work time. It seems I run hard to a destination, only to be left sitting on either end, waiting on others to do their work. Trucking is a choreographed dance with many performers. I try to take it in stride and be thankful to have such an excellent job, wonderful income potential and the chances to partake in people, places, and things of our entire USA.
Monday was more of the same. After a nailbiting weekend of one problem after another, I made an on time delivery and was left cooling my heels in the middle of the day. I wasn't tired enough to sleep in midday. So I did laundry, shopped, and tried later to nap. Then at 11pm, I began a shift of driving. Again, arrived on time in Westerville, OK. This time, I specifically requested to go wait on my next load back in Arkansas where I could get a shower at a truck stop.
My Fleet Manager, Joe, kept saying wait,,, wait,,, wait... and I will admit, I was a pain about it. In one moment, I was praying to God to ask him to keep control of my every detail, he knows the plans he has for me, he is saving me for something. On the other hand, I watched the countdown on the PeopleNet clock and chafed, and whined and emailed and called. With only 10 minute left on my legal DOT clock, Joe calls me with a load that picks up in Arkansas, 45 minutes away. What can I do? Get up, wash my hands and face and settle in to finish my 10 hour break exactly in the dumpy truck lot I am parked. No shower, microwave hotpockets, grey day.... just bummed.
Now, I have napped and can't sleep. I go inside the store, and walk the lap around it again, still disgusted with the selections. I ask the clerk for the nearest hotel, I would PAY for a shower... They are all too far away.
As I walk out, I glance at the gasoline pumps. Immediately I am arrested in my tracks. There is an elderly woman, in shabby clothes, bent almost in half, shuffling around the back of a Ford Taraus from the 1990's. As she makes her way to the store,, she looks sideways at me. I can see one dollar bills, held tight in her fist as she painfully makes her way into the store with her cane. She says hello, I reply. She says, "Well I am better today than I was yesterday so it is a good day."
YES!!! I was struck to my very core with remorse for my whining and mental complaining!!! I knew in an instant what God wanted me to do. I followed her in side and (tears),,,, watched her count out FIVE one dollar bills to pay for her gasoline.
FIVE DOLLARS AT TODAY"S PUMP PRICES.... I who have hundreds weekly, and thousands at times,,, observed as this dear elder counted out five single one dollar bills. I motioned to the cashier to let me listen. The lady said, "this will get me around in town for a little bit, I hope."
As soon as she went out the door on that tortured walk back to her car, I pulled out my bank card and told the cashier to charge me $20 on gas NOW! I told her, "I don't know how she's going to take it and I didn't want her to refuse. So charge me. NOW!"
I went outside, and told the lady I need to pump her some more gas. She said I didn't need to to do that. I told her that I already had it paid for, I was just asking permission to touch her car to pump it in. Here is where I was blessed and nearly driven to my knees. She came around the tail of the car and stood with me as I pumped. Now, it is grey, under 40 degrees, excrutiatingly bone-chilling cold winds... and she asked me where I live. I pointed to my truck. I told her I was kinda stranded today waiting on a load to be ready Wednesday morning in Arkansas. She began to tell me her story. She lives in the next town over,, which is a good 10 miles away on my GPS. She uses the car for doctors appointments. "Sometimes, if I call 2 days early, they will send someone out to pick me up."
Everyone knows someone who is a truck driver. Her nephew drove, until he had a liver transplant and was out of work 5 years. As the fuel transfer ended, she asked me my name. Then she told me hers is Mary Jane and that she lives in the "shanty by the tracks". I can only imagine.
I went back inside the store to sign my credit slip. The cashier wanted to talk about what a nice thing I had done. I pushed her aside. Instead, I wanted her to know, there is a REAL LIVE WOMAN inside that bent, shabby exterior. She lives here. Walks among us. We are all connected.
One of the things I did while I was pouting and clock watching and napping today was stop. Deliberately breathe 3 times. Think about the choice that I had. Became very aware of my breath, and my attitudes. I keep a small handful of motivational books, music, and podcasts on hand that I cycle through to remind me of why I am here on the Earth and this exact moment. It is so I can be fully PRESENT right here, right now. Live the moment I am in with beautiful joy, love, gratitude, and forgiveness. To help a brother or a sister along their way, sharing the burden of their Journey, to be sure they make it onward.
Mary Jane taught me so much in our brief 5-10 minutes together. I had been being ungrateful, unyielding, unforgiving, and rude in my head, in my thoughts, in my communications with work. Even in my prayers, I had been me- me- me.
Every event of today, and days previous, led me to this one crux. To meet and assist Mary Jane. To reach out, and give her a smile for the rest of her day. To free her from a worry. To share her load.
I am ashamed I was so tense about my work situation. The repetitions of the 3 breath pattern and being deliberate to choose my next thought or attitude had reminded me of why I am here.
To give. To serve. To love. To lift. To share.
Mary Jane? Thank you, Ma'am. I am so blessed to make your acquaintence. The pleasure is all mine.
Listening to the voices of the angels,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
My work has been frustrating since they put in the electronic logs called People Net. It records in real time and silly things, mundane chores, unexpected opportunities eat at the available work time. It seems I run hard to a destination, only to be left sitting on either end, waiting on others to do their work. Trucking is a choreographed dance with many performers. I try to take it in stride and be thankful to have such an excellent job, wonderful income potential and the chances to partake in people, places, and things of our entire USA.
Monday was more of the same. After a nailbiting weekend of one problem after another, I made an on time delivery and was left cooling my heels in the middle of the day. I wasn't tired enough to sleep in midday. So I did laundry, shopped, and tried later to nap. Then at 11pm, I began a shift of driving. Again, arrived on time in Westerville, OK. This time, I specifically requested to go wait on my next load back in Arkansas where I could get a shower at a truck stop.
My Fleet Manager, Joe, kept saying wait,,, wait,,, wait... and I will admit, I was a pain about it. In one moment, I was praying to God to ask him to keep control of my every detail, he knows the plans he has for me, he is saving me for something. On the other hand, I watched the countdown on the PeopleNet clock and chafed, and whined and emailed and called. With only 10 minute left on my legal DOT clock, Joe calls me with a load that picks up in Arkansas, 45 minutes away. What can I do? Get up, wash my hands and face and settle in to finish my 10 hour break exactly in the dumpy truck lot I am parked. No shower, microwave hotpockets, grey day.... just bummed.
Now, I have napped and can't sleep. I go inside the store, and walk the lap around it again, still disgusted with the selections. I ask the clerk for the nearest hotel, I would PAY for a shower... They are all too far away.
As I walk out, I glance at the gasoline pumps. Immediately I am arrested in my tracks. There is an elderly woman, in shabby clothes, bent almost in half, shuffling around the back of a Ford Taraus from the 1990's. As she makes her way to the store,, she looks sideways at me. I can see one dollar bills, held tight in her fist as she painfully makes her way into the store with her cane. She says hello, I reply. She says, "Well I am better today than I was yesterday so it is a good day."
YES!!! I was struck to my very core with remorse for my whining and mental complaining!!! I knew in an instant what God wanted me to do. I followed her in side and (tears),,,, watched her count out FIVE one dollar bills to pay for her gasoline.
FIVE DOLLARS AT TODAY"S PUMP PRICES.... I who have hundreds weekly, and thousands at times,,, observed as this dear elder counted out five single one dollar bills. I motioned to the cashier to let me listen. The lady said, "this will get me around in town for a little bit, I hope."
As soon as she went out the door on that tortured walk back to her car, I pulled out my bank card and told the cashier to charge me $20 on gas NOW! I told her, "I don't know how she's going to take it and I didn't want her to refuse. So charge me. NOW!"
I went outside, and told the lady I need to pump her some more gas. She said I didn't need to to do that. I told her that I already had it paid for, I was just asking permission to touch her car to pump it in. Here is where I was blessed and nearly driven to my knees. She came around the tail of the car and stood with me as I pumped. Now, it is grey, under 40 degrees, excrutiatingly bone-chilling cold winds... and she asked me where I live. I pointed to my truck. I told her I was kinda stranded today waiting on a load to be ready Wednesday morning in Arkansas. She began to tell me her story. She lives in the next town over,, which is a good 10 miles away on my GPS. She uses the car for doctors appointments. "Sometimes, if I call 2 days early, they will send someone out to pick me up."
Everyone knows someone who is a truck driver. Her nephew drove, until he had a liver transplant and was out of work 5 years. As the fuel transfer ended, she asked me my name. Then she told me hers is Mary Jane and that she lives in the "shanty by the tracks". I can only imagine.
I went back inside the store to sign my credit slip. The cashier wanted to talk about what a nice thing I had done. I pushed her aside. Instead, I wanted her to know, there is a REAL LIVE WOMAN inside that bent, shabby exterior. She lives here. Walks among us. We are all connected.
One of the things I did while I was pouting and clock watching and napping today was stop. Deliberately breathe 3 times. Think about the choice that I had. Became very aware of my breath, and my attitudes. I keep a small handful of motivational books, music, and podcasts on hand that I cycle through to remind me of why I am here on the Earth and this exact moment. It is so I can be fully PRESENT right here, right now. Live the moment I am in with beautiful joy, love, gratitude, and forgiveness. To help a brother or a sister along their way, sharing the burden of their Journey, to be sure they make it onward.
Mary Jane taught me so much in our brief 5-10 minutes together. I had been being ungrateful, unyielding, unforgiving, and rude in my head, in my thoughts, in my communications with work. Even in my prayers, I had been me- me- me.
Every event of today, and days previous, led me to this one crux. To meet and assist Mary Jane. To reach out, and give her a smile for the rest of her day. To free her from a worry. To share her load.
I am ashamed I was so tense about my work situation. The repetitions of the 3 breath pattern and being deliberate to choose my next thought or attitude had reminded me of why I am here.
To give. To serve. To love. To lift. To share.
Mary Jane? Thank you, Ma'am. I am so blessed to make your acquaintence. The pleasure is all mine.
Listening to the voices of the angels,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Monday, March 7, 2011
Stop Shopping, NanaJ!
I am having so much fun!! I give alot of things new and used to strangers and friends. It brings me AWESOME joy to provide the unexpected. The giver is ALWAYS the blessed party. You simply cannot out give God.
It is just as much fun when I can give to a family member and be there to see their response and capture their smile in my heart. Such will be the case very soon. It is Jeremiah's first birthday on March 21st. And his momma is over 5 months pregnant with his brother. Alisha works a total of 3 roles at two restaurants. She needs clothes that fit or expand with her for work attire. Some of the black shirts esp are new, in sizes for now, and when she is almost due in July. And since both Chili's and Applebees require black shirts??? I made sure to get her some pink, green and blue for her down times.
For my Little Dude? A used Blues Clues backpack full of $. 25 books :-)
Today, I had a few down hours in Ballwin, MO (St. Louis) and I used my time to go catch up at the laundry mat. Next door? A St. Vincent De Paul's thrift store. Not only did I get Jeremiah Tommy Hilfiger, Blues Clues, and OshKoshBGosh for $1 each piece? The funds go to a great cause. So I am helping even as I am blessing Alisha's young family! 3 pairs of maternity jeans for $3 each! And a rolling suitcase for Jan with palm trees on it for $3. It has all of its zippers and will be super easy to spot on the luggage conveyor belt at baggage claim!
This added 30 minutes to my laundry duties, as I went and freshened up the new stuff as well.
I am exercising EXTREME RESTRAINT though to STOP buying clothes, books, and gifts. I HAVE TO CARRY IT AS LUGGAGE!!! Hello! Nana!!! Wake up!! lol.
Jeremiah busted his lip today. It bled. He did not even cry but it shook up his mommy. LOL,,, give her a few more months. Between 2 sons? She will get over her nervousness pretty quick and adopt some sort of "If you ain't dying, I don't want to hear about it" routine. Big grin!
Along the lines of not being able to outgive God, He also makes provision for me when I get "me" out of His way and let him bless me. This trip was in danger of being too expensive. The flight is 2-3 times what it was in October. To even it out, I secured truly luxurious hotel accommodations for super cheap. After a few days of wondering if this was the right time to make this trip? I took the leap of faith last night and paid for flight and hotel.
Alisha made a comment in passing the other night when she said that Jeremiah is now big enough to hug her back. I suppose that was the exact moment I KNEW that this trip to Colorado needed to happen in the here and the now.
If anyone wants to help me out? They can zap me with electricity when I try to shop for them before I arrive in their town. Or hold my wallet. As it is, it's at least $25 for one checked baggage per flight. And as it is still obviously Winter in southern Colorado?? I think I need a little bit of layers and clothes for me too. Big grin!
Please bear with me. It takes me sooo long to make a decision. So much back and forth. Once I declare it? I am on it like a pitbull on a ham bone.
Meanwhile, it is my joy and fun to continue to give and bless all of whom God lays on my heart. It is a beautiful life. I choose to share it and all the bounty thereof. I can not take anything in a UHaul behind my hearse, so I choose to lift another's spirits while I am yet living.
My gift, my privilege,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
It is just as much fun when I can give to a family member and be there to see their response and capture their smile in my heart. Such will be the case very soon. It is Jeremiah's first birthday on March 21st. And his momma is over 5 months pregnant with his brother. Alisha works a total of 3 roles at two restaurants. She needs clothes that fit or expand with her for work attire. Some of the black shirts esp are new, in sizes for now, and when she is almost due in July. And since both Chili's and Applebees require black shirts??? I made sure to get her some pink, green and blue for her down times.
For my Little Dude? A used Blues Clues backpack full of $. 25 books :-)
Today, I had a few down hours in Ballwin, MO (St. Louis) and I used my time to go catch up at the laundry mat. Next door? A St. Vincent De Paul's thrift store. Not only did I get Jeremiah Tommy Hilfiger, Blues Clues, and OshKoshBGosh for $1 each piece? The funds go to a great cause. So I am helping even as I am blessing Alisha's young family! 3 pairs of maternity jeans for $3 each! And a rolling suitcase for Jan with palm trees on it for $3. It has all of its zippers and will be super easy to spot on the luggage conveyor belt at baggage claim!
This added 30 minutes to my laundry duties, as I went and freshened up the new stuff as well.
I am exercising EXTREME RESTRAINT though to STOP buying clothes, books, and gifts. I HAVE TO CARRY IT AS LUGGAGE!!! Hello! Nana!!! Wake up!! lol.
Jeremiah busted his lip today. It bled. He did not even cry but it shook up his mommy. LOL,,, give her a few more months. Between 2 sons? She will get over her nervousness pretty quick and adopt some sort of "If you ain't dying, I don't want to hear about it" routine. Big grin!
Along the lines of not being able to outgive God, He also makes provision for me when I get "me" out of His way and let him bless me. This trip was in danger of being too expensive. The flight is 2-3 times what it was in October. To even it out, I secured truly luxurious hotel accommodations for super cheap. After a few days of wondering if this was the right time to make this trip? I took the leap of faith last night and paid for flight and hotel.
Alisha made a comment in passing the other night when she said that Jeremiah is now big enough to hug her back. I suppose that was the exact moment I KNEW that this trip to Colorado needed to happen in the here and the now.
If anyone wants to help me out? They can zap me with electricity when I try to shop for them before I arrive in their town. Or hold my wallet. As it is, it's at least $25 for one checked baggage per flight. And as it is still obviously Winter in southern Colorado?? I think I need a little bit of layers and clothes for me too. Big grin!
Please bear with me. It takes me sooo long to make a decision. So much back and forth. Once I declare it? I am on it like a pitbull on a ham bone.
Meanwhile, it is my joy and fun to continue to give and bless all of whom God lays on my heart. It is a beautiful life. I choose to share it and all the bounty thereof. I can not take anything in a UHaul behind my hearse, so I choose to lift another's spirits while I am yet living.
My gift, my privilege,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Look Twice!
While the flow has not ceased or stemmed, it has turned down a different channel. I am thinking, writing, living more in a peaceful state of mind and emotion. I am also compelled entirely to continue exploring and growing in the Gifts around and in me. All of these changes are processes. Thus the quiet spells. Resting in God.
Time to assimilate the new ways. To break old habits and to foster new healthy ways of thinking, acting, obeying the Call on my life. I am doing an enormous amount of quiet listening these days! And that is a good thing! Through meditation I have learned to quiet my mind and how to travel to new galaxies of Possibilities. There is so much excitement in the air with Spring and in my heart with anticipation. Already my Intentions for 2011 are gaining altitude and I am feeling very strong in my progress.
Letting go is still an ongoing process. I have a goal of consolidating all of my storage into one small unit in Central Florida. Yes, it is possible that the notes from my daughter's first grade may not make it in the reduced space. This is hard for me. Even painful. What a waste of money, though, to pay to store paper or things that no one has touched, looked at or used in years, even decades.
Another letting go is of people. The past 6 months I began to cull my contacts list. Occasionally, I still search my phone or email list, thinking to re-connect with someone. Only to discover, that I let them go. There was a reason at the time. I am a forgiving soul though, so it is not often a burned bridge. Just a new avenue for me. Life is too short to live it in pain, fear, or neglect. And I am moving forward with the best of my days still ahead. Full, pressed down, running over with fountains of love, gratitude, and forgiveness.
One of the last Kundalini classes of 2010 called upon us to set our Intentions for the new year. Suggestions were made of what types of things people might decide. My specific set of Intentions did not get a voice in class. But in the Spirit, I clearly heard the direction and calling being placed on my life for that current moment and onward to the near future.
A specific one was "FEARLESSNESS". When I told a female friend this, she objected, "No fair! You already have no fear! You jump out of airplanes. I wish I was like you, afraid of nothing." While this made me smile, it also hurts a bit. See? I look up to my friend. I am learning how we each draw on the strengths and energy of others. Community, family, friends, network is so vital. Since this conversation? I have lured her out to a moonlight kayaking trip. Her very first!
For me, though, it isn't fear of external elements. There are things I do not like to do. Snow skiing for instance. I learned my lesson on the bunny slope when I corkscrewed my knee, lol. Seriously though, my fears and Intention to address and declaw these fears are of people. Love. Relationships. Matters of soul and of heart. That is opening like a gorgeous lily even as I type, and for this I am so grateful and humbled.
Letting people of all sizes, shapes, races, genders, religions, etc in near my world. Few are invited into the secret room of my deepest heart yet. But the year is young. I will always have progress that I can make.
Whether it is someone I met as a child, a youth, a family, or as a single being, I am blessed with good friends. There are those that lift my spirits and dreams higher just by being in them. By their support and cheering me on. By listening. By letting me give, and letting me take. There are faithful warriors and there are new faces. The blessing is that I am becoming able to let this richness in to my trust and hopes again. You'd have to know me, to get this in the spirit it is intended.
Do you still see a bare, winterized tree occasionally? Look twice. I see the green hope coursing throughout. New growth. Hope and victory over sleep.
As an avid motorcyclist, I chafe at 18 wheels, even at 4 wheels. I feel this strong desire at this time of year to ride hard and fast, letting the wind and the rain blow the cobwebs out of my head. As I drive in my rig over interstates in the South, the great descent has begun of bikes heading to Daytona Bike Week. The yearning in me kicks into overdrive. LOOK TWICE!! Save a a life!!! Share the road!
I can FEEL this glow shimmering around me! It is of light, of hope, of joy, and of appreciation in the beauty ever present and waiting to be embraced! It is in moments of peace, of deeply inhaling the clear air and of sincere inspiration that I lean in closer to hear the voice of God, of Earth, and of all that would speak motivation and love and presence.
Learning new ways to let a day go. Let a judgement go, usually of myself. To begin the night in peace and set up for sweet dreams and healing, regeneration and restoration. Beginning to look forward to waking up, not in pain of body or heart, but in wonder and excitement of soul and mind.
I am challenging myself today to honor my progress, be gentle with my process, to enjoy the journey, to love without restrictions, and to look twice- embracing Change, Letting Go, and living Fearlessly.
Sincere gratitude and blessings,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Friday, February 25, 2011
A Good Day
If I tried to list all the new things? It would be like my gratitude list - very long and covering a myriad of ground. I go to bed thinking of how much fun life is and wake up wondering what joy the new day will hold.
Sure, I have my moments. Even my days. But, I am getting my bounce back. I don't get spun all around as easily, as often or with such rough side effects.
There's a song by Mad Agnes, "It's a Good Day". It is a celebration of life. This is the song stuck in my head right now. It fits. It's a good day.
Very mellow. In a hotel room for 3 days, 2 nights. Simply a break from routine of staying in my truck with limited space, no facilities, etc. Already, after a day at Dania Beach, I am as limp as if I drank a whole bottle of tequila. The cool thing is, no hangover, no embarrassing moments.
I get to EXPERIENCE today. Also, I have been practicing meditation. Discovered I really connect with David Ji from the Chopra Center. His voice is perfect. It relaxes me. I don't have to strain to understand him. The directions and topics are far out there - right up my alley!
WANDERLUST. Finally, found a word to describe me!
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Sing With Me, "How Great Is Our God"
Today was a prime example of being reminded full on just how O-O-O God is. Many of you know me, and remember that is one of my favorite truths of God- Omnipotent, Omnipresent, Omniscient.
Time = a temporal length of event or entity's existence (http://www.thesaurus.com/)
Some of the reminders came from words, well-timed, carefully chosen, and steadfastly presented in emails, comments, texts and conversations. All of these communication require a sender and a receiver. Perfect timing. Often days in between the orginal and the reply, yet on time, each and every time. Time :)
Twice today alone, the brad was tacked into my heart by God himself, moving my 80,000 pound truck in JUST THE NICK OF TIME. Twice, vehicles illegally merged into my path. Both times, the instinct to save them, caused me to swerve and fishtail. Both times, vehicles in the next lane to my left also had to readjust. Each time, the merging offender glared balefully at me even though I am "Slower Traffic In The Right Lane". Sigh.... my pet peeve. TWICE!
I also received glad tidings from my youngest daughter. The new baby is a boy!!! Young Abraham Anton Johnson should make his appearance into our world approximately July 5, 2011. His big brother, Jeremiah Alon Johnson, will be about 16 months old. Mom and baby are doing great thus far!
Alisha gave me the go ahead to shout it out and tell family members and friends! My first was a text message blitz. The next was to call my Mom & Dad. Later, I called Michael too. A very few emails and then a FB blast!
It is very painful talking to my Mom. What ,,,, ahhh, I don't even know how to say it. I want to just love her, forgive her, and go on loving her even if unreturned. But it is hard. I'm a big girl, this shouldn't be bugging me still, but it is.
Hurt today by people, my body weary of the struggle to survive.
Then, as my life opens up to new people? New risks. Today, especially, I am very raw and in need of clarity and respite.
People. Ideas. New ways. Old paths. Soveriegn God.
Weak Jan.
Always loathing my weakness.
So, this is it. Closing this in pain of the heart and mind tonight. In need of alone time with God and Him alone. No one else can fill the void within me ...
So the blessing of today, is that I drove many many miles, to arrive at the receiver at 7:30pm Tuesday for an appointment at 0700, Wednesday. I am first in the gate. They will take me in at 0300. In Weston, FL, just 5 minutes from my car and old apartment.
Away from resteraunts, people, other cars, I am parked under an old oak tree, dripping with the ancient Spanish moss of my childhood. It is no accident that I am here alone, safe. Time carved out for me and God, face to face.
I do not have the heart to sing tonight to anyone or anything. But I will. It is called a sacrifice of praise. For tonight, I feel even more unworthy than usual. But God knows all. Is all powerful. And is everywhere. How great is our God.
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Time = a temporal length of event or entity's existence (http://www.thesaurus.com/)
Some of the reminders came from words, well-timed, carefully chosen, and steadfastly presented in emails, comments, texts and conversations. All of these communication require a sender and a receiver. Perfect timing. Often days in between the orginal and the reply, yet on time, each and every time. Time :)
Twice today alone, the brad was tacked into my heart by God himself, moving my 80,000 pound truck in JUST THE NICK OF TIME. Twice, vehicles illegally merged into my path. Both times, the instinct to save them, caused me to swerve and fishtail. Both times, vehicles in the next lane to my left also had to readjust. Each time, the merging offender glared balefully at me even though I am "Slower Traffic In The Right Lane". Sigh.... my pet peeve. TWICE!
I also received glad tidings from my youngest daughter. The new baby is a boy!!! Young Abraham Anton Johnson should make his appearance into our world approximately July 5, 2011. His big brother, Jeremiah Alon Johnson, will be about 16 months old. Mom and baby are doing great thus far!
Alisha gave me the go ahead to shout it out and tell family members and friends! My first was a text message blitz. The next was to call my Mom & Dad. Later, I called Michael too. A very few emails and then a FB blast!
It is very painful talking to my Mom. What ,,,, ahhh, I don't even know how to say it. I want to just love her, forgive her, and go on loving her even if unreturned. But it is hard. I'm a big girl, this shouldn't be bugging me still, but it is.
Hurt today by people, my body weary of the struggle to survive.
Then, as my life opens up to new people? New risks. Today, especially, I am very raw and in need of clarity and respite.
People. Ideas. New ways. Old paths. Soveriegn God.
Weak Jan.
Always loathing my weakness.
So, this is it. Closing this in pain of the heart and mind tonight. In need of alone time with God and Him alone. No one else can fill the void within me ...
So the blessing of today, is that I drove many many miles, to arrive at the receiver at 7:30pm Tuesday for an appointment at 0700, Wednesday. I am first in the gate. They will take me in at 0300. In Weston, FL, just 5 minutes from my car and old apartment.
Away from resteraunts, people, other cars, I am parked under an old oak tree, dripping with the ancient Spanish moss of my childhood. It is no accident that I am here alone, safe. Time carved out for me and God, face to face.
I do not have the heart to sing tonight to anyone or anything. But I will. It is called a sacrifice of praise. For tonight, I feel even more unworthy than usual. But God knows all. Is all powerful. And is everywhere. How great is our God.
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Grateful For Simplicity
All of Life is about Change. From the sanctity of the womb, to our last breath of air drawn into our lungs, we morph and change at incredible rates. As a person? I wish I could say I embrace Change as it would make the ups and downs so much easier to roll with and enjoy the Process. If I were completely honest, though, I would say I resist it. Since this growth and change are inevitable? All I am doing is stressing out over the very portions of my life that could use the most Serenity and gentleness.
Life has a way of sitting you down and taking you to task when you forget the truths and absolutes. Sometimes, I think to myself that I am doing just fine, at least for the moment, right where I am at that second. Then WHAM! A shift! The rug is pulled. The brick wall rises out of seeming Nowhere. Or the curve banks too sharply and I fight to make the bank and turn with grace.
I live alone. Wake, eat, work, play, love, sleep,,, alone. So I have to talk to others outside of myself when I want to bounce an idea or when I need someone to lovingly hold me accountable. Community is so key, however one finds it for themselves. A church assembly and its leaders. A sports venue. A musical crew. A blog, or email, placed out into Cyber Land for review. Family and friends. Trusted souls that hold that remarkable place in your heart as mentors, best friends, the faithful warriors.
A very recent event epitomizes the speed of Change, my reactions, and the results. I rely on my laptop and the internet to keep me connected. On it, I can talk to people, watch people, listen, study, try new things. I can share my photos and musings. Over a period of a month, my laptop began to experience instabilities. While I used to be a programmer and an electronics repair guru, I have not tried anything beyond the basics since the 1990s and I have been left behind by the amazing advances of the times. Life bouncing around on a semi truck is tedious. Heat, cold, vibrations, jostling, power outages... so many variables. The problem with the current laptop could be anything.
Friends thought it was a software issue. Best Buy says, pay $199 up front for us to diagnose and repair. They came back saying it was in need of a new hard drive for an additional purchase. Then I had to buy Windows. I became frustrated by the run around and asked to retrieve the laptop as is from Best Buy.
A man at my church took it Sunday and found bad registry. He reformatted it entirely and put Windows 7 on it, along with Microsoft Office (YES!!!!!). What's more? He did all of this for $50 and it was ready Monday afternoon. This brother even drove to an exit off the interstate, I pulled over my semi and we made the exchange there!!!
Meanwhile, I will confess, I went through withdrawals. But, it is humbling to look at the weeks of limited use, and then the scary weekend of limbo and see that I could hear better in the silence. I saw this coming, and made an effort to slow my rambling, thinking, flitting brain down to a slower pace.
I experimented with new guided meditations. I closed my eyes and breathed slowly on purpose. I asked God to not give up on me, to please say it again for Hard heads like me. I wanted to hear what God, Life, and Earth were wanting to tell me. A few times, I gave in to the weak side of myself and vented frustration. But I worked hard to rein that in and just let Life take me where it needed me to go.
I went to an acoustic concert. I went to church. I stood out under the starry night and felt the dew on my skin. I took gym and separate Yoga classes. I slept alot, which was much needed. I arranged to have visitation with my old dog, Addy and we hiked, went to the dog park, and napped together, snuggled and sharing joy. I have socialized more in the last two months outside of my work and my church than I have in probably the last years my daughters were at home and I was a band and soccer mom.
Alot of those things I do anyway. But this time, when the thought came to look online, maybe for directions? Maybe for lyrics? Maybe to plan my next days, weeks, months in rapid- fire fashion as I usually make lists to do? Maybe to write? I sagged, "Oh, that's right. You don't have a computer for an unspecified time."
I just don't manifest much patience or grace with myself when it comes to change. I am still mulling over how to improve this area of my life. The last decade recreated my family structure and ideals so many times, I lost count. People came in and out, homes, jobs, health at such an alarming rate? And I was a real jerk about it.
Going forward, as I allow the pruning and shaping of my Life, I am only keeping the people that are positive for me. Whether we are bonded by blood or just by minutes? If you drag me down or hurt me, I am not continuing the association. I am seeking actively to learn what is healthy, nurturing, and fruitful for my life.
As this Process goes along, crossing the calendar years, I am so grateful to see the Progress. So blessed to begin to recognize Simplicity and to embrace the Changes. I am not Wonder Woman. My mistakes are plentiful and painful. I have to apologize and make amends ALOT.
The fruit trees at Wal-mart today? Made my heart thud in excitement because Spring follows Winter. But it also made my heart hurt to realize, that there is even more giving up to do. Even more Process to navigate. Even more Change to allow. And I walked away sobered, questioning.
The human frailty of me first said, "HOW MUCH MORE, GOD!?"
My second question, almost as fast was, "Can I do it?"
The trees come with a guarantee. Life does not. All it promises is that THINGS WILL CHANGE.
The sooner I "LET GO and LET GOD", the easier it will be not to get hurt along the way by my own resistances.
So I end this, by affirming, even if only to myself, that I * WILL BE* Grateful for new growth and simplicity.
My becoming the best I can be depends on it.
Feeling Spring in the air,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Attitude of Gratitude
Simply GRATEFUL.
My health. My friends. The capacity to love. Music. Angel. Alisha. For compassionate Daddy/God hugs. For my heavenly daddy and for his lap and snuggles. Writing. My job as a driver. For teaching. For Aaron for Angel. For Tony for Alisha. For Jeremiah. For cell phones. For pictures. For emails. For tears that fall and wash my eyes. For tears that sit in my chest and ache.My own Inner Drum. For funny movies, videos. Alan. Mark. Nanci. Rob. Allison. Isaac. Pastor. Rick. Brian. Peter. Theresa. Terry. Charlie. Erin. Rebekah. Michael. Tommy. East - West coast. North-South. Worldwide. Time.
For Dallas prayers.
For my Inspirationators.
For the sleep i got last night. For waking up today with this list going over and over in my head. For baseball. For trombones. For guitars. For trains. For finding old friends that I was close to. For building up friends that were acquaintances. For new connections. For people I will meet today.
Freedom.
For whistling. Humming. Grooving. Dancing. Breathing. Meditating. Praying. Reading. Learning. Dreaming. Stretching. Growing.
For songs that get stuck in my head. For dreams with songs. For the new song in my heart. Singing to the angels. Singing out loud. Passion. Life is a song.
For hope. For revelations. For change. For Empty Nest. For my divorce. For Lewis moving on. For my mistakes. For God's forgiveness.
For my forgiving others. Loving others. Caring for others. Reaching out to others. Encouraging others. Assisting others. Connecting others.
Gifts of service. Giving mail, cards, notes. Calling a Stranger by their name. Holding the door open. Extra tip for service. Paying for a stranger's meal. Anonymous. Quiet. On the Down Low.
For the glow. For the light. For the shine. For the bounce. For the sparkle. For the zest. For the crackle. For the enthusiasm. For the joy! For the happy!
For hair. Skin. Senses. Organs. Hands. Feet. Head. Heart. Emotions. Feelings. Wild. Tame. Brilliant. Awesome. Amazing. Gifts. Touch.Texture. Exploration. Curiosity. Discoveries. Sensations. Warm. Hot. Cool. Wet. Trembling. Quivering. Shocking. Knowing. Giving. Receiving. Trying.
Brown paper bags. Depths. Reaches. Shallow. Desire.
For smiles - Of laughter. Of puzzle. Of knowing. Of questioning. Of reassurance. Of tolerance. Of hope. Of dreaming. Of trying. Of pain. Of success. Of failure. Of setback. Of getting up again. Of new ideas. Of revelation. Of inspiration. Of relief. Of the light bulb going on. Of the siren screaming. Of jokes. Of being impish and fun. Of silly. Of goofy. Of lighting up a room. Of lightening a heart. Of love. Of pleasure. Of affection. Of peace. Of knowledge.
For my questions. For my answers. For my puzzles. For my incessant rambling. For my desires. For my curiosity. For my hunger.
For pain. For being alive. For feeling everything so deeply. For being raw. Transparent. Unable to hide. Open. Available. Independence.
For space. For echoes. For void. For whispers. For too much space. For crowding. For vacant, painful space. For fresh space. For things to protect the space. For things to fill the space. For people. Laughter. Love. Suffocating silence. Agony of alone. Cherish alone. Peace. Contrast and Congruence.
For conception. For Process. For birth. For miracle. For wonder. For awe. For death. For pain.
For Addy and Meeshu. Misty and Feylin. Alayna. Ally. Anna. Geo.
For indoor restrooms and the people that pee on them.
For people that listen. For people that stay. For people that leave. For people that pass through for a reason. For angels.
For compassion. For patience. For kindness. For tenderness. For affection. For attraction. For gentleness. For thoughtfulness. For empathy. For solace. For mercy. For grace. For redemption. For more chances than I deserve.
For thunderstorms that rock and sway. For snow and ice. For blue skies and no clouds. For white puffy, 7 minute frosting clouds. For being an optimist. For hope. For belief. For rainbows. For shades of color unimaginable. Birds. Stars.
For mistakes. For lessons. For loss. For opportunities. For blessings. For favor. For heights. For depths. For loneliness. For silence. For giggles. For squeals. For sleepless nights. For heart pain. For mind pain. For body pain. For Soul anguish. For Intercession. For the battle. For warfare. For victory. For defeat. For losing a battle, but winning the war. For drive. For getting back up. For not quitting. For not giving up.
For surviving.
For mom. For dad. For fishing. For reading. For hiking. For lakes! For oceans. For books.
For gardens. For hammocks. For loungers. For sweet iced tea. For swaying boats. For mists that rise. For splashes. For tugs. For front porch swings. For rear porch swings. For rocking chairs and gliders. For ropes. For ladders. For bridges.
For locked doors. For iron. For dungeons. For stairways. For light. For Opportunities. For open doors and windows. For courage. For discernment. For faith. For trying. For door knobs. For dragons. For the Prince.
For reconciliation. For walls. For armor.For castles. For bridges. For inroads. For offerings. For openings. For chinks. For weapons. For mercy. For chances. For forgetting. For letting go. For being vulnerable. For being gentle with others. For whispers. For roars. For whoops. For unspoken. For LOOKS. For eyes, oh! For the eyes. For touch.
For bounty. Plenty. Abundance. Overflow. Gifts. Sharing. Space. Simplicity. Echoes. Radar.
For tremulous hope.
For TRIUMPH!
For people that stay. That withstand. That hold. That last. That care. That listen. That read. That keep their silence. That answer back. That share. That suggest. That forebear. That KNOW. That are clueless. That try. That walk away. That hang in there. That come back. That have years with me. That have only minutes. Those that pass through my life for a time, a season, a reason.
For miracles. For new birth. For new beginnings. For past. For old ways. Old traditions. For heritage. For roots. For new trails yet to blaze. For excitement. For Adventure. For mountains. Valleys. Plateaus. Rocks. Holes. Pits. Canyons. Deserts. Dust. Lush. Curves. Detours. No Wrong Turns. Construction zones. Chasms. The abyss. Shorelines. Tides. Anchors. Moorings. Buoys. Lighthouses.
For anyone that reads this.
For me.
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
My health. My friends. The capacity to love. Music. Angel. Alisha. For compassionate Daddy/God hugs. For my heavenly daddy and for his lap and snuggles. Writing. My job as a driver. For teaching. For Aaron for Angel. For Tony for Alisha. For Jeremiah. For cell phones. For pictures. For emails. For tears that fall and wash my eyes. For tears that sit in my chest and ache.My own Inner Drum. For funny movies, videos. Alan. Mark. Nanci. Rob. Allison. Isaac. Pastor. Rick. Brian. Peter. Theresa. Terry. Charlie. Erin. Rebekah. Michael. Tommy. East - West coast. North-South. Worldwide. Time.
For Dallas prayers.
For my Inspirationators.
For the sleep i got last night. For waking up today with this list going over and over in my head. For baseball. For trombones. For guitars. For trains. For finding old friends that I was close to. For building up friends that were acquaintances. For new connections. For people I will meet today.
Freedom.
For whistling. Humming. Grooving. Dancing. Breathing. Meditating. Praying. Reading. Learning. Dreaming. Stretching. Growing.
For songs that get stuck in my head. For dreams with songs. For the new song in my heart. Singing to the angels. Singing out loud. Passion. Life is a song.
For hope. For revelations. For change. For Empty Nest. For my divorce. For Lewis moving on. For my mistakes. For God's forgiveness.
For my forgiving others. Loving others. Caring for others. Reaching out to others. Encouraging others. Assisting others. Connecting others.
Gifts of service. Giving mail, cards, notes. Calling a Stranger by their name. Holding the door open. Extra tip for service. Paying for a stranger's meal. Anonymous. Quiet. On the Down Low.
For the glow. For the light. For the shine. For the bounce. For the sparkle. For the zest. For the crackle. For the enthusiasm. For the joy! For the happy!
For hair. Skin. Senses. Organs. Hands. Feet. Head. Heart. Emotions. Feelings. Wild. Tame. Brilliant. Awesome. Amazing. Gifts. Touch.Texture. Exploration. Curiosity. Discoveries. Sensations. Warm. Hot. Cool. Wet. Trembling. Quivering. Shocking. Knowing. Giving. Receiving. Trying.
Brown paper bags. Depths. Reaches. Shallow. Desire.
For smiles - Of laughter. Of puzzle. Of knowing. Of questioning. Of reassurance. Of tolerance. Of hope. Of dreaming. Of trying. Of pain. Of success. Of failure. Of setback. Of getting up again. Of new ideas. Of revelation. Of inspiration. Of relief. Of the light bulb going on. Of the siren screaming. Of jokes. Of being impish and fun. Of silly. Of goofy. Of lighting up a room. Of lightening a heart. Of love. Of pleasure. Of affection. Of peace. Of knowledge.
For my questions. For my answers. For my puzzles. For my incessant rambling. For my desires. For my curiosity. For my hunger.
For pain. For being alive. For feeling everything so deeply. For being raw. Transparent. Unable to hide. Open. Available. Independence.
For space. For echoes. For void. For whispers. For too much space. For crowding. For vacant, painful space. For fresh space. For things to protect the space. For things to fill the space. For people. Laughter. Love. Suffocating silence. Agony of alone. Cherish alone. Peace. Contrast and Congruence.
For conception. For Process. For birth. For miracle. For wonder. For awe. For death. For pain.
For Addy and Meeshu. Misty and Feylin. Alayna. Ally. Anna. Geo.
For indoor restrooms and the people that pee on them.
For people that listen. For people that stay. For people that leave. For people that pass through for a reason. For angels.
For compassion. For patience. For kindness. For tenderness. For affection. For attraction. For gentleness. For thoughtfulness. For empathy. For solace. For mercy. For grace. For redemption. For more chances than I deserve.
For thunderstorms that rock and sway. For snow and ice. For blue skies and no clouds. For white puffy, 7 minute frosting clouds. For being an optimist. For hope. For belief. For rainbows. For shades of color unimaginable. Birds. Stars.
For mistakes. For lessons. For loss. For opportunities. For blessings. For favor. For heights. For depths. For loneliness. For silence. For giggles. For squeals. For sleepless nights. For heart pain. For mind pain. For body pain. For Soul anguish. For Intercession. For the battle. For warfare. For victory. For defeat. For losing a battle, but winning the war. For drive. For getting back up. For not quitting. For not giving up.
For surviving.
For mom. For dad. For fishing. For reading. For hiking. For lakes! For oceans. For books.
For gardens. For hammocks. For loungers. For sweet iced tea. For swaying boats. For mists that rise. For splashes. For tugs. For front porch swings. For rear porch swings. For rocking chairs and gliders. For ropes. For ladders. For bridges.
For locked doors. For iron. For dungeons. For stairways. For light. For Opportunities. For open doors and windows. For courage. For discernment. For faith. For trying. For door knobs. For dragons. For the Prince.
For reconciliation. For walls. For armor.For castles. For bridges. For inroads. For offerings. For openings. For chinks. For weapons. For mercy. For chances. For forgetting. For letting go. For being vulnerable. For being gentle with others. For whispers. For roars. For whoops. For unspoken. For LOOKS. For eyes, oh! For the eyes. For touch.
For bounty. Plenty. Abundance. Overflow. Gifts. Sharing. Space. Simplicity. Echoes. Radar.
For tremulous hope.
For TRIUMPH!
For people that stay. That withstand. That hold. That last. That care. That listen. That read. That keep their silence. That answer back. That share. That suggest. That forebear. That KNOW. That are clueless. That try. That walk away. That hang in there. That come back. That have years with me. That have only minutes. Those that pass through my life for a time, a season, a reason.
For miracles. For new birth. For new beginnings. For past. For old ways. Old traditions. For heritage. For roots. For new trails yet to blaze. For excitement. For Adventure. For mountains. Valleys. Plateaus. Rocks. Holes. Pits. Canyons. Deserts. Dust. Lush. Curves. Detours. No Wrong Turns. Construction zones. Chasms. The abyss. Shorelines. Tides. Anchors. Moorings. Buoys. Lighthouses.
For anyone that reads this.
For me.
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Few Words
I have had a major shaking up in my world this weekend. At this time, I do not have words for it.
Actually, I am retreating into myself for a time of cleansing and purifying.
So I will close with this thought, "I won't turn back."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c3xFXLOKKIQ
God bless.
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Moving On lyrics
Hiding in a smile
Is a life filled with hurt
A soul that's crying out
Wanting to be heard
I've tried all I know
To discard all my pain
Will I come alive
Is there any way
CHORUS:
I don't wanna waste another day
Living in regret from my mistakes
I'll move on and the sun will shine
Pick up the pieces walk away
Live with the choices I have made
You've forgotten and so will I
So will I
When the day is done
And the noise and lights are gone
I look back at my life
What else can go wrong
How could you still love
A heart as cold as ice
But I must look so different
Different in your eyes
It's a mystery
How human can I be?
Monday, January 17, 2011
Here I Go Again, Needing To Realign
Well, I have alot of cool things to share from my weekend. Funny, though. My oldest daughter, Angel is often the first person I think to say, "Did you see that?!"
Lately, alot depends on her school, church or husband's schedule if she has an ounce of "angel" left in her to humor her old mom. I say that trying to be light hearted and to shuck off my irritation.
The convo often goes something like this, "Hey! Angel! Glad you called, What's new?!"
"Oh nothing much. Just wanted to share _ _ _ __ _ _. My school day. A movie. My Sunday school class."
"Cool!! Always glad to hear from you! Let's have it."
(30 minutes later, my eyes glazed over,,,, she's beginning to go in circles, gets kind of random)
"Hey Mom? I know I called you. But I'm talked out now. If you still have anything you want to share? Go ahead. But I can't promise to pay much attention or respond right now. Besides, it's time for Aaron's lunch, then I'm going to take a nap, then maybe we can talk tomorrow after classes and you can tell me whatever you had."
"No problem, Bugs. I understand. Glad you can call me to share. Later!"
and,,, I hang up looking at the phone, going, "Damn! She just did it again!"
Increasingly, my fuse is getting shorter and shorter.
But,,, it's obviously MY problem. It's big TO ME. I don't want to project that off onto Angel. If I complain "during the time we do have about not having more time".... then how long before she thinks twice before calling at all?
My fear in all this is to lose her completely. Even if it is only for a month, two, or a year, two, etc....
But, I want to tell her now,"You used to be my Go-To person also. If you are going to judge me now, for being open and questing? And you are not going to sound it out with me? Then who are you to look down the road 6 wks, 6 months, a year and tell me you do not like who I have become??? I will talk to someone. You may not like who I go to next."
But, again, I bite it back, and like bile it is eroding my good humor,, and what it is doing now to me? I see her number on the Caller ID and think, "WHAT NOW?!"
When I want to think instinctively, "YES!!! My Girl is calling!!! Let's CONNECT!"
meanwhile??? I went to the same shipper in Miami today that gave me the inspiration of "out of plumb line". And I had the same door. Where I had to FORCE my mind to let it go,,, park out of line,, at an angle, jsut to be "right".
Coincidence? Attitude and work in the natural showing up at the same hour??
HAH! Got the diploma on this School Of Hard Knocks lately!! No coincidences. Rhymes and Reasons,, but not Random Acts.
So, I am including the old entry below, to remind me, that it is MY ATTITUDE I can recognize, deal with, breath through (smile) and adjust with a vengeance.
Because, I also know Angel's habits.... she will call me much later today and apologize. And I will need to be Johnny on the spot to accept it, forgive it,, and seize the moment we DO have,, instead of lamenting the lost hours.
hard,,,, hard lesson. And I am still a student. Just got my knuckles rapped with the ruler today, that's all.
Grateful and stretching,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Monday, December 6, 2010Out of Plumb Line
After this past weekend and it's upheaval with my dear Angel, I am feeling keenly just how out of plumb my intrinsic thoughts, emotions, wishes, hopes, dreams, relationships, and spiritual walk is lately.
Looking outward? Well, I need to confess, I did my share of that too. What ancient truths have came to my fore, though, is that it is what's inside of ME that is attracting to me and radiating out of me. It's an inward condition, my own personal responsibilty.
Getting fed up with being in a position to have to admit, "I don't like who I am seeing reflected back to me from the mirrors into my Inner Being."
I was reminded of the scientific principle to a plumb line today at my Miami shipper. After reluctantly getting back in the driver's seat to return to work, I did an unusual thing. I agreed to convoy down there with one of my elders. I had an ESP that I needed his company and escort. Sure enough, it was downtown Miami in a rough neighborhood with an industrial section crammed into its tight spaces. Reminds me of Aspen Distribution on Vail Ave, Montebello, CA (eastern Los Angeles). Not a truck friendly area, predominantly poor Spanish people, that leaves me nervous if I have to stay roadside overnight. I don't speak Spanish. I can ask for Los Banos, but then don't understand the reply :)
At this shipper, the two docks go INTO the building about 15 feet. Gives a vertigo to back in and lose sight of my trailer doors until I feel a solid KER-THUMP as concrete meets metal in a teeth jarring experience. I am a GREAT truck driver. I backed in off that residential street, dodging mutts, cats, and threading the debris of cars of yesteryear, straight shot - right to the dock!! Yet, THREE TIMES a shrill whistle and waving, gesturing arms, accompanied by unintelligible Spanish hollering,,,, I was directed to pull up, realign, back in again.
No matter how straight my tractor, trailer was to itself, my elder trucking neighbor, the street or the side of the building??? There was a 8 inch gap on the right side of my trailer to the dock. I tried over and again to psyche my mind out, to park "out of angle". No luck. The building is off plumb line.
At last!!! A visualization of how I am feeling in my interaction with myself, with others, with my world I live in, and with my ineffable Spiritual connections.
Hmmmm..... get that last one in synch and the rest may line up? That just came clear as I type this.
I have been embroiled in a spiritual Erocylodon. Feeling like the nose of my Life's vessel has run aground, where things are simply done by rote memory, because that's the way they have always been done, all while the hinder part of my being is out in the Currents of Change. My self-walls, fortress, and foundations are being torn asunder with opposing spiritual and emotional integral forces.
Somewhere between a feisty pussy cat and a royally provoked lion, I am "becoming" someone new.
Change is good. No stranger to recreating my own Reality? I have been here too many times. I want to just "be good".... be worthy,, be of service, be loving, compassionate, and still yearn to be loved.
So, if I have wreaked any havoc or caused harm, while my personal "building" is being aligned into the "NEW PLUMB LINE"?
Please forgive me. How may I make amends?
In a search, I found info on Kinesiology. It explains that the Definition of Erect Posture is one where an individual is standing at attention or told to stand up straight. This posture needs conscious control. It holds a plumb line from ear lobe, tip of the sholuder, center of the hip and knee, and anterior to the ankle joint.
When all is said and done? My prayer for my personal character and integrity, is that I stand consciously in control of myself, erect, with an authentic, honest plumb line.
Please, anyone who finds this, by invitation or divine design, I implore you - HOLD ME ACCOUNTABLE TO THIS HIGHER GOAL AND NECESSARY CHARACTER GROWTH.
So grateful. So humbled. So broken. So pliable in the Master's Hands.
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Labels: Attittude, Attributes, Breakthrough, Breathe, Broken, Communication, Depths, Gratitude, Health, Identity, pain, Self, The Lion, Time
Monday, January 10, 2011
A Visit Into My Dreaming Place
Forgetting all I'm lacking , Completely incomplete
It is Monday again. I am at a shipper that I go to almost every Monday. I would guess 95 out of a 100. I deadhead, drive with an empty trailer (no weight) from Sunrise, FL the 70 miles to Clewiston, FL to pick up granulated sugar. They keep a supply of our empty trailers on hand, but it seems that Mondays, as early as I arrive, my load is to be a live load.
That's fine. I know the system here and all 7 doors, I know the trick, the swing, the angle. I can usually drop it in 1 or at the most 2 attempts.
However, I was watching a driver struggle with almost every aspect. His driving, opening and closing the doors, sliding the tandems. This took me back to my days as a trainer when in my Tough Love style of teaching I would insist the students go figure it out. My own trainer had a similar method. At least I show my students once first, lol.
The driver for another company also known as a Training Company like Stevens, and his struggles, his facial expressions and jerky, eager to please movements just reached down into me and has me thinking deeply.
I have known all my life that my Passion is to teach. Many opportunities to teach in a variety of settings and number of students have been afforded to me. Not really intersted in going to college to become a teacher. maybe when I had a young family at home, I would have liked the M-F, 7am-3pm lifestyle. Now, I like the flexibility and the adventure of not quite knowing where I will end up or begin.
Sunday was spent getting to know a new friend better. It was during that initial one-on-one getting to know you visit that we talk about our life so far, and our wishes, hopes, and dreams for our future. We share many similar beliefs, history, interests, hobbies, expressions and he is also a teacher. As time is going on these last few months, I am not as suprised as I might once have been.
So, today, early in a New Year, early in a work week, I am inspired to dream a little bigger than usual. To realize that I am not tossed aside on the trash heap of Life, and to think again, with new perceptions where am I going to let my Passion take me? Where can I direct my life? And letting it go, trusting into God's plans.
What can I change in me to make a positive Course shift?
The other driver? Figured the skills out, on his own. Surely he is going down the same highways that I will be taking and inside the cab of his truck he is feeling a little more confidence. A little more healthy pride in a job well-done. A little less questioning of "OMG are you CRAZY to want to be a truck driver?!"
And that Knowing makes me smile. For I have been there, the student. And I have been the instructor. Realizing I will get many more opportunities in this Life to do both. This pleases me, inside in my Dreaming Place.
With Joy,
Jan M. Olsen
~~J~
this song has always stirred the tenderness of my heart. It acts as an Adolph's tenderizer or mallet. Where it talks about "falling even more in love with you?"
I often substitute my own name in the blank
,,, letting go off all I've ever held onto,,, falling in love with me... I know if you are reading this, then you are someone I trust to "get this" concept and that you see with me the small, baby step victories in my personal walk with, Jan the woman.
And I imagine you smile and celebrate WITH ME.
Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started
Chasing after you
I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
Forgetting all I'm lacking
Completely incomplete
I'll take your invitation
You take all of me now...
I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you
There's nothing else to lose
There's nothing else to find
There's nothing in the world
That can change my mind
There is nothing else
There is nothing else
There is nothing else
Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started
Chasing after you....
I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you
Just hanging by a moment (here with you)
Hanging by a moment (here with you)
Hanging by a moment here with you
Thursday, January 6, 2011
A Rainy Day
I am writing in my word processor about my healing. I am finding it hard to stay focused because I believe with everything within me that it was no one single event or thing.
Trying to make a list.
OVERWHELMED with gratitude to even be making a testimony entry!
Flooded and a bit wandering.
Writing :-)
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Trying to make a list.
OVERWHELMED with gratitude to even be making a testimony entry!
Flooded and a bit wandering.
Writing :-)
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Monday, January 3, 2011
Write Or Do Laundry?
Charlotte, NC at the receiver since 0030.
My gamble paid off. The gate was not closed. Pulled in at 0030 for my 2pm appointment and went on break on the logbook. It was closer to 0230 before I could wind down enough to sleep. At 0800 they came knocking on truck doors. First come, first served, they will unload us. Empty trailer by 0915!! YEAH!
So, what shall I do today? Laundry? Lol, needs to be done, but what a drag sitting at a laundromat. Write? Hmmmm, what else is there to say right now? In a blessed mood. Tempted to just make a bullet point listing of recent blessings! That would be fun and encouraging. It would also be a great resource tool the next time the wolf knocks at the door, I can go pull a smile off my Gratitude List :)
No plans this week. Go whereever my QualCom directs. Lean on Joe a bit to get me longer miles per trip, better utilization of my time and logbook. Less sitting, more rolling. Finally getting a second wind and I feel today like I could pull the trailer on a harness!!!
If they will work me this weekend? Great! I will stay out and get in the swing of things. I need to be in SoFL Jan 15-16 for two specific classes at the Yoga Connection. Jan 15th is Jimmy Barkan working with his Hot Yoga methods in a workshop. Jan. 16th is Yogic Numerology with my Kundalini instructor. This will be a "first" for me to dabble in something like that. If it goes well, I may hire her one on one for a full reading. Slow Grasshopper. Take time to let some of the new things settle and assimilate :-)
Angel and Aaron are travelling this week to spend time with his family in Pensacola. I haven't heard from Alisha in about 3 weeks. I am sure the holidays were busy at her work. Plus being pregnant, working two jobs and keeping up with a 9 month old active, Jeremiah takes priority!
I have been blessed financially. I was able to give each daughter $250 for their family to spend as they have the need or desire as my Christmas gift to them. I had a blast buying gifts for people, children especially as the opportunity and Spirit presented itself. What a wonderful season of giving and of hope!
When I went skydiving December 31st it was a realization of a goal. Most of 2010 my goal list was about other people, sometimes needs I had.
1-Come off the road, live in my apartment in SoFL.
2-Angel and Aaron's July wedding.
3- When lease expired in August, move out of my apartment, put bed, boat, etc in storage. Live in truck.
4-September, move household stuff out of my brother's place, purchase storage.
5-Fly to Colorado to reunite with Alisha and meet my 7month old grandson for the first time.
6-SKYDIVE, prepare for SCUBA Liveaboard cruise in 2011, save for trip with POCC to Israel 2011.
Pretty cool that one by one, small achievable bit at a time, methodically I crossed an item off my To-Do list!!
Very encouraged!
During 2010 I emptied my phone and email contacts of people that were not inspiring or healthy for me. Old or new, if they hurt me, drained me, used me, or were "expired" I deactivated their information. Then I was very selective who I kept or added.
I chose to surround myself with A) people I can be a blessing or of service to (B) accountability partners (C) people that are positive, healthy, uplifting, constructive, and challenging. My contact list is now POWERFUL and manageable to go through and see my blessings!
Looking forward to being more loving, more receptive, more courageous this new year. I want this year to be more about others and how I can serve and gift them, than it is about me just getting by or in need of healing.
Live in a space of GRATITUDE, of INPSIRATION, of FORGIVENESS, of Awareness, and of being fully PRESENT in every breath, every beep of my heart.
Doing something that scares me every day. Trying something new. Pushing just past where it hurts, to the next level of stretch and flexibility (body, soul, mind). Making time into my regular routine to rest and restore, and not having to wait until my body shuts down entirely in protest.
Carving out regular intervals to do the things that REALLY intrinsically please me. Laugh. Dance. Sing. Fish. Hike. Camp. Explore. Dive. Play. Serve. Read. Write. Learn. Worship. Grow. Climb. Boat. Listen. Create. Empower. Release. Breathe. Fitness.
Learn to play the guitar. Write poetry, songs, short stories, chapters. Go to the theatre, concerts, museums, art galleries.
Feed the ducks, gulls, cardinals. Lay on my tummy on a dock and watch the fish swim below. Lay on my back on the dock and count the stars and try to assign a blessing to each one I see. ALOT OF STARS!
Hmmm,,, guess I wanted to write after all today :-)
Time to consider what the new work day holds. Make it a GREAT one!
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
My gamble paid off. The gate was not closed. Pulled in at 0030 for my 2pm appointment and went on break on the logbook. It was closer to 0230 before I could wind down enough to sleep. At 0800 they came knocking on truck doors. First come, first served, they will unload us. Empty trailer by 0915!! YEAH!
So, what shall I do today? Laundry? Lol, needs to be done, but what a drag sitting at a laundromat. Write? Hmmmm, what else is there to say right now? In a blessed mood. Tempted to just make a bullet point listing of recent blessings! That would be fun and encouraging. It would also be a great resource tool the next time the wolf knocks at the door, I can go pull a smile off my Gratitude List :)
No plans this week. Go whereever my QualCom directs. Lean on Joe a bit to get me longer miles per trip, better utilization of my time and logbook. Less sitting, more rolling. Finally getting a second wind and I feel today like I could pull the trailer on a harness!!!
If they will work me this weekend? Great! I will stay out and get in the swing of things. I need to be in SoFL Jan 15-16 for two specific classes at the Yoga Connection. Jan 15th is Jimmy Barkan working with his Hot Yoga methods in a workshop. Jan. 16th is Yogic Numerology with my Kundalini instructor. This will be a "first" for me to dabble in something like that. If it goes well, I may hire her one on one for a full reading. Slow Grasshopper. Take time to let some of the new things settle and assimilate :-)
Angel and Aaron are travelling this week to spend time with his family in Pensacola. I haven't heard from Alisha in about 3 weeks. I am sure the holidays were busy at her work. Plus being pregnant, working two jobs and keeping up with a 9 month old active, Jeremiah takes priority!
I have been blessed financially. I was able to give each daughter $250 for their family to spend as they have the need or desire as my Christmas gift to them. I had a blast buying gifts for people, children especially as the opportunity and Spirit presented itself. What a wonderful season of giving and of hope!
When I went skydiving December 31st it was a realization of a goal. Most of 2010 my goal list was about other people, sometimes needs I had.
1-Come off the road, live in my apartment in SoFL.
2-Angel and Aaron's July wedding.
3- When lease expired in August, move out of my apartment, put bed, boat, etc in storage. Live in truck.
4-September, move household stuff out of my brother's place, purchase storage.
5-Fly to Colorado to reunite with Alisha and meet my 7month old grandson for the first time.
6-SKYDIVE, prepare for SCUBA Liveaboard cruise in 2011, save for trip with POCC to Israel 2011.
Pretty cool that one by one, small achievable bit at a time, methodically I crossed an item off my To-Do list!!
Very encouraged!
During 2010 I emptied my phone and email contacts of people that were not inspiring or healthy for me. Old or new, if they hurt me, drained me, used me, or were "expired" I deactivated their information. Then I was very selective who I kept or added.
I chose to surround myself with A) people I can be a blessing or of service to (B) accountability partners (C) people that are positive, healthy, uplifting, constructive, and challenging. My contact list is now POWERFUL and manageable to go through and see my blessings!
Looking forward to being more loving, more receptive, more courageous this new year. I want this year to be more about others and how I can serve and gift them, than it is about me just getting by or in need of healing.
Live in a space of GRATITUDE, of INPSIRATION, of FORGIVENESS, of Awareness, and of being fully PRESENT in every breath, every beep of my heart.
Doing something that scares me every day. Trying something new. Pushing just past where it hurts, to the next level of stretch and flexibility (body, soul, mind). Making time into my regular routine to rest and restore, and not having to wait until my body shuts down entirely in protest.
Carving out regular intervals to do the things that REALLY intrinsically please me. Laugh. Dance. Sing. Fish. Hike. Camp. Explore. Dive. Play. Serve. Read. Write. Learn. Worship. Grow. Climb. Boat. Listen. Create. Empower. Release. Breathe. Fitness.
Learn to play the guitar. Write poetry, songs, short stories, chapters. Go to the theatre, concerts, museums, art galleries.
Feed the ducks, gulls, cardinals. Lay on my tummy on a dock and watch the fish swim below. Lay on my back on the dock and count the stars and try to assign a blessing to each one I see. ALOT OF STARS!
Hmmm,,, guess I wanted to write after all today :-)
Time to consider what the new work day holds. Make it a GREAT one!
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
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