Essence

Essence
I shall be at peace when the lion within can lie down with the lamb.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Markers and Stones, The Miles Roll By

Markers and Stones, The Miles Roll By



This letter commemorates one full year of driving semi trucks for Stevens Transport out of Dallas, TX. Praise to the LORD!

"Abiding Snows" Donners Pass I-80, California July 2008 (!)
(This is a collection of journals. I tried to note place and time I wrote each part, but I am not putting it into date order. It may be easier to print this to read as it is long, but full of insight and GLORY to my GOD!) ~J~





July 13, 2008, Sunday, Terrell, Texas

There have been a lot of changes over the past year. I just celebrated my one year service anniversary with Stevens Transport out of Dallas, TX. Nanci gave me a gift of a plane ticket to Dallas on July 5, 2007 and I embarked on a wonderful adventure. For just a few moments, I want to share my joy of the journey. A few of you know that I have wanted to get my CDL and go over the road since Lewis and I first met. He had been a truck driver before I knew him. On our four- day- long first date, he showed me his photos of the USA and the great fishing spots he had scoped out from all over. I was hooked! We kicked around the idea that when my girls were in college, we’d go out as a team operation. The seeds were cast and I set my goal as far back as 2001 to explore our nation and get paid to do it.

Many of my friends and family can look at old emails and see that this purpose was never far from my mind. I wondered aloud silly things like if the grass in Kentucky was really blue? I wanted to go where there was real snow, not the man-made stuff of NC and make snow mommies,,, and then be able to go get warm and drink hot cocoa. I want to see the sequoias, Niagara Falls, and to hanglide or something like it into the Grand Canyon. I have accomplished a few of those things and many, many more.

Just flying into Dallas was a rush for me! As we circled to land, I was one of few people awake to see this skyscraper monolith all rimmed in neon green. Then the taxi drove through downtown and at a traffic light, I was almost lying on the floor of the cab looking upwards to try and see the pinnacle of that same tower. While having a day off from training, on a Sunday, I took the city bus to the historic district and enjoyed colloquial foods, outdoor music and dancing, museums and the site where JFK was shot. I located the booktrader. The adventure just grew and grew to exceed my expectations!

Some of my letters this past year shared concerns I had. I took my share of knocks on the road to experience. If I had written this letter a month ago, it might have a different flavor. But in June 2008, I went to church in South Florida and reconnected with my First Love, Jesus Christ. I am a brand new person that sees and thinks of things in a whole new perspective. My future will be interesting to discover where God leads me.

One thing that stayed a thread this whole year was my deep longing for roots, a real home, and a companion. Instead of seeing the fulfillment, I took the dogs OTR with me, gave Alisha and Tony full rights and responsibility for our house, and I do not carry a plant around to even see roots, much less foretell of them in my near future. Anyone who knows me, you are aware of my heart on these issues. What I need to convey now is the peace that has passed all my understanding.

I will tell you tales from the road. First and Foremost, I give glory to God for the privilege to have the adventure to begin with. He allowed people in my life to help guide me along the way like a best friend who helped finance my dream. Then God gave me courage when I would have backed away, protected me from harm and my own silly self, and he has been the main influence in my every move and thought.

I must give a shout out to all those who cheered me on!

  •   Isaac for putting Humpty Dumpty back together again and then for loving me enough he let me go to live my dream.

  •   Mom and Dad for being proud of me. Glad you can pick me up from the truck stop for impromptu visits!

  •   Alan  aka A.W.   travels vicariously through me and often looks stuff up on the internet so we can continue to learn new things. When he sat in the driver’s seat he was awed at how long the truck was in the rearview! Let’s go for a ride soon?

  •   Ranger Jay is always ready with a “you go Girl!”

  •   Angel, my daughter, my friend, is my “words of wisdom from the mouths of babes”. She is ready with a chastisement or a whoop whoop. Best thing that happened to me in 1986!

  •   Alisha told me we would both stomp our worlds. Stuck on you, best thing to happen to me in 1989!

  •   Nanci believes in me, bails me out, stays up late talking, manages my business life, and gives me a diving board to leap from. She also buys my sox!

  •   Michael tells everyone about his big sister the truck driver. He still drives the short bus ( that can out back, out run, out maneuver, out haul me, etc)

  •   CK – Renae- “That’s Wassup!”

  •   Rick we never have to catch up, you always just know me. By now you accept that I could never kick you to the curb. You will make a great police officer.

  •   Trish and Marshal are my trucking buddies. 24/7 we call, text, read to each other, exhort one another in the Lord and in this crazy profession we share.

  •   The gang from the Wellness Center, who wants the next dance?

  •   A special hug goes to all the pastors and their wives from the various churches that I have visited across the USA. Thanks for your prayers, your time, and your patience! Can I get a ride to next service?

(Nanci and Rick- we have been best friends for over 27 years,,, and you two are still older than me!)

In August when I turn 40? It will just be the beginning of my best 80 years of adventure and purpose! (((( Today, is August 27th. I turned 40 today and I ALMOST made it to the Pacific Ocean! I got to within 2 miles of it at the piers where the cruise ships go in and out in Wilmington, CA. Wouldn’t that have been a great way to mark to day? Save some fun for another day, c’est la vie!))))))))))
San Diego, CA Sunset at Black Rocks


To date I have been into Canada a few times and have driven through 44 of the 48 Continental United States. I have been through Customs in Bangor, Maine when I went to England, but I have not been through Maine in the big truck. I also need the two Dakotas and Montana ( in the summer, LOL).

My favorite states to drive through are Oregon and Pennsylvania. The coldest state was Wisconsin where the wind drives daggers through your clothes. The hottest states? The desert of I-10 and I-40 Texas to California. My least favorite? The heartland states. Best radio stations? The Bible Belt. Worst ice storm I came across this past year? Columbus, Ohio. Prettiest rainbow? The five separate ones in California near the city of windmills between I-40 and I-10. Most lightning bugs in one place? Kansas corn fields. A state highway in Burlington , WI was the best winter wonderland. It is built around a river that was frozen over and there were deer dancing across it. The farmlands were so white, I teased the cows were frozen beef. In Minnesota, there were ducks frozen in a pond. That was perplexing, but Angel says it is like how you boil a frog,, gradually. Poor duckies!
Columbia River Gorge, Oregon I-84 Just after the Dalles Dam
 (TOP 3 PRETTIEST PLACES IN USA!!)

I will be ECSTATIC when all the states get a grip on reality and go to Clean Air Acts! If states as backwards as Louisiana and as progressively forward as Florida and California can ban smoking in public places, then why can’t the Amish country of PA and OH get it right too? Here is a question for you. Who pees on the pavement in truck stops and rest areas??? I don’t and to be honest, even my dogs won’t go that low, but someone sure does! Yech! Least favorite thing that goes with the territory? Nasty public restrooms and co-ed showers.

Funniest load? 37,000 pounds of Kraft Marshmellows from Nevada to Stockton, California. Heaviest load? Orange juice from Bradenton, Florida. Messiest load? A trailer of raw chicken that was bound for Mexico and was in big vats lines with plastic. That load bled and dripped across the nation.

It is hard to choose a favorite visit. Non-family, I would have to say it was when Isaac’s Mom picked me up from a rest area in Connecticut and took me to her home and served me tea in a most elegant fashion. She gave me a car tour of the “Greens” that it seems each town has in New England. She drove me thru Yale and when she pointed out Skull and Bones I was intrigued enough that I looked it up on the internet. Wow! I was there! She is a very, VERY special lady and I thank Isaac for sharing her with me! She has redeemed my perspective of stuffy New England a bit, at least in her hometown.

Mother Deas, New Haven Connecticut

What an amazing trip to get to view the 2007 Annual August Perseid meteor shower beginning in Kansas City, MO all the way to Laredo, Texas ( a Mexican border). The last 150 miles of I-35 to Laredo is PITCH BLACK!!!!! Awesome star gazing!!! Then this year’s Perseids, August 2008, I had the privilege to visit my South Florida friends. One night we watched from the beach together. Several nights I was able to unwind and view them in peace stretched out beside the ocean in the Keys and mainland.


Favorite hikes with the dogs? An active railroad bed in Pennsylvania where we found a spring bubbling out of the ground of pure water for the mutts and Wagonhound Ledge on a wildlife preserve in Wyoming.

Like children have different personalities? Meeshu is walking in the shade of my shadow while Addy plunged in the arroyos with glee, chasing all manner of snakes and wildlife back at me!

There really is a Bobber Lake at exit 103 on I-70 in Boonville, MO and also there is a Storm Lake in Storm Lake Iowa. Speaking of Iowa, they have the world’s largest truck stop in Walcott on I-80 and the barn roofs are adorned with the family center square for their quilts.
Memmaloose Rest Area, I-84 Columbia River Gorge, Oregon

Places I want to stop, but haven’t found a place to park the rig? The Pacific ocean ( I got within 8 miles, but couldn’t figure a way over there). The Clabber Girl Museum. The Zane Grey Museum. The 11 Bridges of Madison County. The Hoover Dam and Grand Canyon. Niagara Falls( I got to within 20 minutes of it).

To put a matter to rest? The Sock Monster is not relegated to being purely an Urban Myth preying on housewives ambushing the loads from the dryers. He is alive and well in truck stop laundrymats across the nation. For awhile I tried to trick him and only bought all white socks of the same type. But flowers, good hygiene, cleanliness, fragrances, and socks that match my clothes are girly concessions I make. Ever since A.W. teased me I looked like a dork in high socks and boots when we rode, I have had fun with sexier socks than his J. The Sock Monster seems to enjoy the variety in its diet, and eats one of a pair at home and abroad. Sigh, LOL. There you Enquiring Minds have the answer to one of Life’s Big Riddles!!!

Once I was stuck on the ramps leading up to and then going across the George Washington Bridge in New York City for over 3 hours. I had time to set the brake, make and eat a sandwich, feed the dogs, check my email, take a leak, make some phone calls and when I got bored, I sidled up to trucks stopped as soundly as I was and became the clown. I convinced drivers to roll down their windows so I could ask, “Pardon me. Do you happen to have any Grey Poupon?” Or I would lean over the steering wheel and feign a race posture. Drivers laughed and tensions eased! And of course, the rusty fire escapes and graffiti around the city intrigued me just like it was out of a movie.

July 23, 2008, Osseo, Wisconsin

Today I started east of Indianapolis, drove under Chicago right by O’Hare airport, and eleven hours of drive time later, I am at a truck stop in Wisconsin. I am headed for two drops in the St. Paul, Minnesota area tomorrow. I have not been across WI since it was a sheet of ice when I was going back and forth from Canada, thru Detroit, to Chanhassen, MN. I suspect they are positioning me near Chanhassen now. I am enthralled with the different breeds of trees compared to Florida’s oaks and scrub pines. It is so green up here, and rolling hilly country. Guess that snow melted and fortified the land! It was neat to see elk, wolves, and birds of prey as I crossed the great north.

The wildflowers are amazing across the nation.








 Crocosmia ( aka Montbresia, both great names for a beautiful flower) Larkspur, columbine, celosia, purple and white monte casino, aster solidago, hypericum, liatris, thistles, and all kinds of weedy blooms like lazy susans and dandelions, the amazing ground cover of healthy portacula, sunflowers, and other asters. Lots of Asiatic lilies and agapanthus.


The cashier had a darling accent so I asked if she is a Wisconsin Dells local. Then I made the mention that when I first went OTR, and my trainer and I stopped at a WalMart in Nebraska, I waited in the parking lot for a family to get out of their car. I figured families talk and I could hear what Nebraskans sound like. Well, that brought a laugh from the group today. The song that comes to mind is Lee Greenwood’s “God Bless the USA”,,, “From the lakes of Minnesota, to the hills of Tennessee, across the plains of Texas, from sea to shining sea, from Detroit down to Houston, New York to LA, there’s pride in every American heart and it’s time we stand and say, I’m proud to be an American……” I have run the gamut of states, weather, seasons, flat and mountains. This year has been all I could have asked and it surpassed my fondest dreams.

Like I mentioned, going over the road has been a goal for almost ten years. I had an aunt and uncle that tried it, cousins, my brother, etc. The hotel where I worked as a night auditor housed the incoming new drivers for LCT. I asked each driver where they were from and to list 3 things about the life OTR. The credit for the main seed of wanderlust is due to Lewis, my one boyfriend since my divorce. At the time we met and he was a Federal Law Officer. Some of the photos he showed me were of lands that seemed as foreign as crossing the sea to another continent. As he regaled me with tales of the life, I nurtured my hunger to see the world which simmered just under the surface even after he left. Once Alisha graduated high school, I waited at home one full year to be sure both my girls were established, then May 2007 I too entered school. I took the weekend classes and kept working 80 hours a week crammed into M-F and I DID IT!!!!! Woo hoo!

A lot of you know there was still pain in my bones and muscles from my bike wreck in November 2006, but few realize that I also daily deal with the compressed vertebrae and pinched nerves in my neck and shoulder from the truck wreck. In March 2004, two days after a weekend full of SCUBA diving in West Palm Beach, I was rammed by a lady that ran a stop sign in Longwood, FL and my truck was rolled onto the driver’s side wheels, causing my passenger side dually axles to roll over the lady’s van like a Panzer tank. It was when my truck crashed back onto all its tires I got injured. Not many know how it affected me since I did not miss a shift of work with either incident. I tried chiropractors, with no success. Today, I still have considerable nerve pain that robs me of sleep or rest, but it doesn’t keep me from pursuing my jaunts across America. I count each day a blessing and approach it from the WWJD mentality. God is still the Healer. He will heal me one day, in one way or another. For now, he sustains me and I have FINALLY learned to walk in HIS strength, power, and knowledge. He is a merciful Redeemer.



April 2008

If there is one city I detest it is Atlanta. The only things I have ever lost here is Time and my sense of good humor. Georgia itself is a state that is good for just one thing: To get through it going to Somewhere Else.

Some more observations: A bane of truckers? Left lane jersey walls & bikes that ride the zipper in Los Angeles. Vehicles using the right shoulder in MA as a travel lane. Backwards gravity in PA (Hills that visually go UP and the truck races out of control yet hills that flow down the truck labors and has to be downshifted?).

Right foot in the ocean, left foot in the Gulf – Keys. Back Roads of Louisiana do not have shoulders, one foot on the asphalt, one foot in the bayou – watch out for Gators!

In Colorado and Kansas all you can see for miles is the hypnotizing Cow -------- Corn ------- Cow------ Corn --------- Cow in the Corn. Best inspirations for photos? The City of Windmills in CA(“ Passing Wind”) and the spot near Odessa, TX with the cotton fields white to harvest with an active oil drill in the midst of the ripe bolls(“Texas Harvest”).

In Louisiana there’s the Piggly Wiggly across the street from the Hoggly Woggly. I CAN’T MAKE THIS STUFF UP! Interstate 10 through Louisiana is also home to a chain of convenience stores called Shop Rite which have Arnold Schwarzenegger-sized Chicken breast that are injected with Cajun fire! This state also has Bro. Merrell Ewing’s church right on the highway. Either he has no faith, or a lot of it,, his small softball fields face the interstate not the building. Hope no one hits a home run or a foul ball. There is also the “Second Baptist Church”- who admits that? Know what is in the pot for dinner? Road KILL. (truth!)

Odd town names: Hereford and Bovina, TX “Home of the Fighting Herefords and the White Faced Ladies”. How’s that for an alma mater? I have been ice driving to Clovis, New Mexico to pick up cheese to take to Pennsylvania. Isn’t that redundant? Oh well, job security, lol. Smallest posted population? 240.

It’s a mess to knock the butter out of the butterfly with the windshield. I have at least two bad habits (could be worse): chain chewing gum and caffeine. Ground hogs are extremely ugly critters!

Funniest dog story? In Plainview, TX for two days every time I walked the dogs past this one field of about 3 acres, this community of prairie dogs has taunted us from their mounds. Hundreds of the fat roly, poly little buggers! Chirk! Chirk! Well, this day, Addy was frantic. So I let him loose to see what he would do. It was like the whacking moles game at the fair. He ran pell mell from mound to mound, only to be thwarted at the last second and scolded from the next hill. Just when I thought I had seen it all, Lo and Behold! An OWL flew up in his face from one of the holes in the ground!!!!!!!! And it proceeded to whoop his tail! Oh man that was hysterical watching him try to evade that ticked off bird! I tell you it was better than any Nintendo game of Dig Dug or Sonic with their pitfalls and hazards. Addy got in a good exercise though, miraculously didn’t break a leg in a hole, and no prairie dogs were injured.

Notes in my spiral kept on my dash just for these tidbits and inspirations ( I should be a teacher, LOL):

Yankee moment that had me scratching my head? Addy had made his way under a fence in New Hampshire and I could hear him running and having a blast. I waited for his return. What I saw coming towards me was Wilbur,,, I was mortified! Every last hair on this dog was oozing stinking black muck. It was dripping out of his mouth and nose. I asked the rest area attendant if there was a water faucet. He told me it was up front. Huh? I walked to the front and sure enough, he had directed me to the drinking fountain. WTH?! I sacrificed one of our gallon jugs of drinking water, and all it did was turn it into a liquid morass. I toweled the chucklehead off the best I could and prayed he would not jump on my bed. Was the attendant stuuuuupid? Or just a Yankee? LOL

Ticks! Color coded by region. NH had black ones. PA and NY had insidious little small red biters! To give the dogs a good run in a small space like a truck stop, I pace off a 50yards perimeter with them still on the leash. Let them go, and Addy will then run laps and he turns at the command Heah! All I have to do is tell Meeshu to Git ‘im and he pumps those stubby little legs in joy!

Dad telling me he liked my shorter hair. Said it gave me “Pizzaz instead of being a grey haired old granny”.

Pondered if Pentecostal women are allowed to SCUBA or ride motorcycles? Asked pastors across the nation and here are excerpts of their replies: #1) Why would you want to? {Well let’s see? Because my HEAVENLY FATHER created the oceans and lands???!!!} (#2) I don’t know. Wouldn’t it break your French tips and make your short skirt fly up? (#3) Bikinis are okay if it means you will leave the church if I tell you no. (#4) Be modest and appropriate at all times – bringing glory to God.

I like the last response the best. Still seeking God and his direction on these and all areas of my life now. Angel insists I be patient with myself that I am a newborn babe in Christ. All that first love glow. I am much harder on myself. I am not new. “Therefore to him that knoweth to do good, and doeth it not, to him it is sin.”


One guy important to me says you “Plan your life. Then Life happens.” I see fluffy white clouds and sky animals, he sees storms portending certain doom. However, there’s one gift from God, the opportunity to see sin, people, and problems as he does. I have to be sure there is nothing competing for my attention and diligently seek God. The big questions will sort themselves out – for His glory. Guard the gates to my city. Allow God’s shining light of conviction and revelation into the inner workings of my spirit. Invite him to illuminate anything standing between perfect oneness in him.

A Sirius pastor quote: “Lord, what do you want for my life? God doesn’t save us to love us. He loves us to save us. See ourselves as God does – redeemed and pure”.

Yes, I have given A & A to God. But I still think about them. I have to die daily and lay that deep desire and my memories back on the altar. Discipline myself not to pick it up again when I leave. Rather instead, petition God on their behalf. I don’t want God to remove this burden. I want to BURN for the lost and hurting of the world. And I want God to love me still – THROUGH it.

To finish well? Be committed in youth. Consistent in the middle. And triumphant in the end.

The turnpike in PA goes through brooks, mountains, train tracks, tunnels. 2 of the 5 tunnels that go THROUGH the mountains are not ambient light. In Hershey, PA the route bobtail took me under Hershey World – if a rider on the gigantic wooden roller coaster had spit a sunflower seed husk it would have shattered my windshield. The lamps were Hershey KISSES! How cool!

Things I am afraid of: oddly enough, drowning. Even after 200+ dives that first fifteen feet of surge scares me every time. Always said I would drown on the surface long before I would ever perish underwater at 60 feet. Sliding out of control. Skiing for instance. Water is ok, snow,, didn’t like it one bit.

You all know I am a country girl. The kid that carried a snake in a glass mayo jar to school only to drop it in the cafeteria? Snakes have a purpose in the Chain of Life. To eat spee- spy- arachnids! I detest SPIDERS!

Seizing opportunites that arise to go riding on  a horse ... albeit  flesh and bones or steel.


I have crossed the Continental Divide in several states. The 45th Parallel. The highest spot in elevation on I-80 west of the Mississippi river. The Mason-Dixon line (Maryland and PA state border). The “Gettysburg of the South” on I-25 in New Mexico.

90 degree Longitude- ¼ of the way west around the world on I-72 mm 78-79 in Illinois

Favorite rest areas? CA has foot flush pedals that make a lot of sense! Ohio turnpike rest plazas have showers, laundry, and a tv room. First time noticing pointed roofs so snow won’t collapse a house was Donner Pass. (Funny the things that a FL girl keys in on). No longer white-knuckled going down mountains. Technically challenging and giving care to detail. Stevens made me scared to begin with. To pass training had to go down 2 major mountain passes loaded to at least 25, 000 pounds without a jake brake, but “Be careful not to smoke your brakes. They will fade and you won’t have any”. Ok, so WHY would I WANT to try going down a hill? And to a flatlander like me, a 5% grade is Mt Everest! Right at the One Year Anniversary mark I travelled west across I-80 again and felt it was fitting to be marking milestones solo as a culmination of victories..

Wall of Fame this year? #1 Praying back through. #2 travels. #3 finances #4 health #5 personal growth as a single person and as a solo female truck driver.

My transitions gave way to stability, challenge, and success. In June, I claimed Victory and got back on the horse that threw me when Angel and I rented a magnificent Harley Heritage Softtail.

 Can I say it? I am in loooooove! If this next year holds even a 1/3 of this many changes it will be exciting.

Will I change companies? Go local? Go back to school to get a teaching or counseling degree? Learn a foreign language? Buy a house? A bike? Become a mother-in-law again? A Nana? I’ve looked up old friends. Met new ones. Still new friends to meet. Fresh horizons to drive through. Mountains to climb. Valleys to rest in. And may the wind be always at my back.

Nevada& Selma, NC to Houston

I have kicked Complacency to the curb. I have made peace with Loneliness. First I learned to survive. Now in Christ as a new creature I have learned there is freedom in surrender. I was never young. But I never felt old. I did tell my Dad when I was in CDL school that the last 3 years had taken its toll on me. At that time, I felt old, ancient, and used up. All those 80 hour work weeks with nothing and no one to show for it had simply worn me out. Reading old letters I see exhaustion was a common thread. For years. A weariness of soul. God has reached in and healed my inner places – giving me a reason for LIVING.

If my journals have been blunt, if it offends I am sorry. But I experienced it, and no one apologized to me or was around to help me. It is what it is. My past. The Future is in Christ alone though.

Similar town names?

Palmyra PA & MO /Philadelphia PA & MO /Louisiana MO /Phoenix OR & AZ / Las Vegas NM & NV / I think every state has an Orange County and a Columbus or Columbia.

22 July 2008 Smithton, PA

Glad to be Single? Is it a light switch? Well DUH! No! Even people that get married in their early 20’s chances are they have never been alone. Parents. High school. Church. College – classes, dorm, community living, apartments. It is possible that person cannot relate in honesty to say they know what it is like to be single. Solo. Alone. In Solitude.

How can that person say “they understand what I am going through?” No degree or license gives the same grip on reality as directly living through separation, divorce, death of spouse.

** I have been called this year into a celebration of my singlehood. Up to this point I have fought it, dreaded it, feared it, railed against it, mourned it, and substituted it. Accepted it. Much like a sacrifice of praise, I am consciously CHOOSING to CELEBRATE IT! **

Dragonslayer! 318 curves in 11 miles!! Deal's Gap, Hwy 129 TN/NC
20 August 2008, Texas (Stratford. TX pop 1991 Home of God, Grass, and Grit)

Things I miss from a home? The luxury of a bath. Cooking ( A.W. don’t faint from surprise). BBQs. Tossing horseshoes at church picnics. Working out in the Party Room (A’s old room) to dance and be inspired. Fishing trips in my boat – being on the water before safe light, the mists rising shrouding the shorelines in mystery and suspense. Riding my bike full throttle – no helmet, hair loose, no barrier between me, God, and sky. Porch swings, the scent of jasmine, the moonlight through the Spanish moss.Yankee Candle (Midsummer Night) and cool jazz to tame the savage beast.  A bike ride through the woods, stopping to fish if it looks inviting. Horseback riding. The dogs having room to stretch out and play. Public libraries, band concerts, town get –togethers.

Benefits from OTR time? Mountains. Corn. Sunflowers. Desert’s in bloom. Weather variety. Harvests. Dialects and cultures. Lake Effect Snow. Foxes, Wolves, Deer, Elk, Jackrabbits, Birds of Prey.

Alone time with my Creator.

23 August 2008, Holcomb, KS

Perils of being a semi driver? Being at face level from the ground when Meeshu is so happy to see me that he gets a fit of sneezing. I learned early to brace the door against the wind, but I being a blonde had to try it again recently to see if it has changed in 6 months. As I reach in to leash the boys and lift them down, the truck door clipped me square across the back of my head and neck. Good thing I prayed back through, that could have been colorful! Fog that is slicker than owl snot. Bouncing up and down in a rutted truck stop or lot and catching air, to smash my bad elbow on the gear stick! Instant goose egg!

Meeshu terrified of the jolt when the tractor couples with the fifth wheel. Poor thing shakes and quivers. It spills his water and to him it registers high on the Richter scale. I am reminded of toddler Alisha in her car seat, asleep, awoke as we were in the midst of a car wash, the brushes beating up the car. She went white and screamed in terror. For her, we could divert her attention by singing the ABC song. Nothing helps Meeshu. But OH! The opening in conversations the dogs supply. And such great buds!

Several suggest now that I have one year experience I shop for a better company. It is like Russian Roulette. Maybe I find better cents per mile,,, but they have low miles per week. Or brand new trucks, but poor maintenance and dangerous attitudes towards safety? I am not up for the game of musical chairs with my credibility. Right now, digging in and putting TWO years experience on my resume makes more sense.

It is fun to watch the evening ballet as trucks jockey for a parking spot. Winter it begins about 3pm local time. Summer 5pm. First it is a lively waltz. An hour or so before dark, it is a whirling dervish as drivers vie for prime resting places. It is safest to watch from a distance, not to get caught up in it J

23 August 2008, Desert Mountains of CO, NM to I-40 NM & AZ

To bring this epic to an end, I hope I have conveyed that I am alive and well. Praying back through to a place of salvation and communion with God was the best decision I have ever made. This last trip, I was raring at the bit, but the load was too heavy and got delayed almost 24 hours. I knew in my spirit, God was preparing something wonderful for me. I will leave you with this one last account. Then at the bottom of my letter, I am including an email that my daughter, Alisha wrote to me last year when I was in training in Dallas. I claim victory!

I am sending this Anniversary letter with love and TRIUMPH!

When I was finally able to leave Holcomb, KS with my load, it was 2am CDT. It was Mountain time (fall back another hour) at the CO border, and I took a two lane US hwy to catch up to I-25s to I-40w. Sometimes, this two lane road was so narrow, two vehicles could not safely pass. So it was a good thing I counted less than 5 other vehicles in either direction for hours! Heavily concentrating, God began to minister to me. He had me right where he wanted me. In the dry, barren desert, hours before the sun rose, nothing but miles and ghost towns. I was listening to a preaching DVD from Cooper City for the umpteenth time, and still getting something new out of it each time. God stirred me to turn it off. He brought me to an altar and a fresh place of brokenness before him. (this was just yesterday 8/23/08). He then exerted pressure on the vice, working my clay on the Potter’s Wheel. Verses I have heard a million times, were given clarity, and I found a place of purpose in my soul, much as the sun which began to nurture the day with its light tickling over the mountainsides.

Right there in the desert between La Junta and Trinidad, God said the words, “Hinds feet in high places, INDEED! Now do you understand the delay I allowed?”

This place of outward barrenness was but a tabernacle between me and the Most Holy God. I would have missed it if I had my way and travelled that road in the midafternoon.

That’s what I have learned this year. To seek God. To wait on God. To obey God. To hear God. To trust God. To honor and glorify God in all that I do, to include my career. To let go of my own stubborn self-will and reliance and LET GOD. To embrace Brokenness and Surrender to God.

This truck, my quiet refuge in the Lord. No distractions between us.
I hope you learned something cool about our nation from my account of this past year’s driving adventures. Rejoice with me! Go with me as I journey onward through your prayers and blessings. May the Peace of God dwell in each of you.

~JAN~
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Here is Alisha’s letter. She felt what she writes here at one time. Do you see what I see? A figure coming up the road. Hear what I hear? A sound as of the abundance of rain. In Jesus’ Name!

Mommy,


As proud of me as you are, I am of you. The past year was exactly what we both needed. You have grown up in so many ways that it is hard to believe I am the daughter sometimes. We both still have a lot of obstacles in our way but I am more confident now that we will both stomp our worlds.


Try to remember your good qualities during the rough roads ahead (pun intended). Your caring heart, sincerity, instinct, love and humor. Not to be left out are perseverance, respect and logic.


All in all, you are what a woman should be and it makes you beautiful and wonderful. I remember some of your bad habits and choices that I do not think were even apparent to you at the time, but I have watched the transformation you have made from the self-conscious broken woman of a divorce to the amazing independent heroine of modern times. Your accomplishments have been noticed and admired by many, but particularly me.


Go out through America and enjoy yourself. You have earned this job and I believe you will find it to be a vacation in some ways, definitely educating.


Be safe and know that you are always in my prayers and in my heart. I am glad we settled our differences now and can start our new lives with no regrets.


CHEERS! Go hit the road in style.


Love always,


Alisha

~Jan Olsen~
~J~


Sunday, October 10, 2010

Was driven to my knees in the most crushing of an emotion. So painful in its magnificent blinding hot thrust of light, love,extreme loss and beauty of renewal.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Sleep, Eat, Sleep

Well now!  I just slept at least 11 hours... I was well on my way to an all day -sleep,,, but my friend knocked on the door to say she made breakfast for me.

I am thinking htat was very sweet of her to do.

I almost want to decline and go back to bed. However,, I will get up... perhaps Noah needs in his room? 

Alot of pain today,,, gotta wait and see how it stretches out before I can figure how excited I will be with Addy.

What a gift to be here...
~J~

Friday, October 8, 2010

G-O

I had just arrived at my parents for a week visit and to bring him home to live with me again. He was BEGGING me to "GO". First thing we did on trip home was drop him off to be shaved and bathed!! He  lost 10 pounds of hair ;-)

One of my happy times is tonight,,, he loves me so unconditionally.

New Best Friend


Two little boys on  the Deerfield Beach named Solomon and Gideon.  We met at the foot wash spigot. Gideon said he liked his pizza cuz it was crunchy.  His mom absently said ok,, he said, "Know why?  Cause it's got sand on it."

I laughed so deep!!   I told the mom that my girls are 21 & 24 and that I was enjoying the surrogate of the little ones today.

She responded without hesitation, "You look too GOOD  to have kids that old!"

Okay Nanci Jane Brillant,,,, meet my new best friend!

Was enamored of the little girl, about 4 years old in her turquoise tutu,,, catching waves in her matching little flower water pot.  Oh!  To have the sweet faith of a child that her tiny pot will hold enough water from the ocean  to make a difference to that huge pile of beach sand!  

Made my throat ache in the sweet innocence of a babe.

Then there was the little 2 yr old boy, Noah.  His granddad would pick him up boogie board and all,, walk out into the breakers and send him off!  that little guy just WWWHHHEEEEEEEE all the way into shore bobbing up and down on that styrofaom board.

What an incredible day.....

Heart hurting, in a bittersweet ahhhhh....
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Won't You Be My Neighbor

then there's the ancient old white-legged old man wearing what can only be his wife's floweredy shorts for swim trunks???? Laughed at that one!!

The mom screeching at her 2 young sons "I told you not to get wet!" Huuuhello!!! It's high tide at the Atlantic ocean? Who is the grown up here? And why are you in my listening space?

With tide coming in? Suddenly the 6-8 lines of surfing breakers have blended to 2 solid aggravated line of roiling white foam and ocean spittle.

Think I will use my remaining parking meter time allowed to walk the shore SLeep is chased away by Mother Of The Year and her loud rant :-/

been an unwinding 4 hours.... great time utilization! Feeling pretty good about things.

Noticing the chill creeping into the dusk air as the sun flirts with the palm trees in its mad descent to the horizon.

Friday 5pm traffic should be calmed down by the time my meter runs out. There was a method to my madness at those 2 extra quarters :)

Happy, relaxed,
Jan M. Olsen

~ J ~
Sent from my Verizon Wireless mobile phone

Banks Are Overflowing

I was in wal-mart getting fresh sunscreen when I got a text that cheered my whole day. My next stop was to be the hotel by the beach. Was going to go ahead and rent it so I wouldn't be paying parking meters elsewhere paying double duty.

 The text was from the family that has my dog, Addy. It specifically asked "would you like to stay here in Noah's room for FREE?" This is a minimum savings of $100 for two nights in a hotel. I don't need much. Shower, bed, and Addy-O.

While at the beach, I went into the water up to my shoulders and just bobbed along. Cooling my inner core, taking stress off my joints. I could sleep or even live floating in the water!!!

On the shore, practiced deliberate deep breathing. Made me yawn! LOL... Liked it though. The more I do it,,,the more areas I seem to be able to expand...

Then I just FEEL the beach scene...the slick suntan oil, the fruity coconut smell, the drying wind. I put my lounger IN the ocean. Filtered the wet mud through my fingers and squeezed trying to hold a wave on the sand!

I have pretty feet and I enjoyed walking the lap line and noticing how the foot flexes in a step motion and curls into the sand as it rolls out of a step.

The age-old smooth worn shells, caused by friction and wear. The flock of pigeons cooing at my feet foraging.

I can hear single drops of spray....feel my hair lifting in the breeze. Burned my feet on the pavement like a preschooler. Swam some more =-) Snoozed.
Found a pair of Gucci sunglasses in the surf. Probably expensive, equalized by their freedom from their owner.

So, I breathed in deeply again, curious what was next. Not sure where Time will take me, but it's a wonderful ride!

Experiencing all that I can.
Jan M.Olsen

Sent Urom my Verizon Wireless mobile phone

HE Speaks!

Walking from my truck the half mile or so to my car, as droopy as I feel, my two backpacks seemed made of lead. Like a mule I slogged along, unmindful of the gorgeous SoFL day!
In the lot where my car rests, I had to notice the screams & cacaphony overhead. Looking up I saw a a massive osprey nest. Judging from the racket, there is an entire battalion of young birds in there!! Whew! It was LOUD!!
As I gott underneath, and snapped a mobile photo, the noise abruptly ceased! Not a rustle or peep!! I was an unknown threat to that majestic family.
It called to mind the story of old how God feeds the birds even though they do not sow. And he clothes the lilies in fine array, though they neither toil nor spin.How much more mindful is he of the cries and needs of his creation that he fashioned in his image and breathed into man's nostrils his own breath.

I stayed a few minutes, noticing the feel of the warm day, the scents on the breeze, and the sudden eerie silence from that nest.

God loves me. He knows exactly where I am in all ways. He knows what I can bear, and what it will take for HIM to receive all glory and praise.

I choose - let everything that hath breath, praise ye the Lord. WHO AM I THAT HE IS MINDFUL OF ME? I am his own.

Resting in the arms of safety and love,
Jan M.Olsen
~ J ~
Sent from my Verizon Wireless mobile phone

Sea Of Tranquility

"Come now, oh friend, and sail with me
Upon the tranquil, calming sea.
I search not for a chest of gold
Not for fine pearls or treasure olde;
I search instead for that which we
Will find now in Tranquility. . .

How true it is that we often sail to distant shores seeking that which lies hidden in our own heart, our own home. The Sea of Tranquility is not a place; it is all places, for it is buried deep within all people. Inside each heart is a private refuge; a place of serene rest which Christ referred to as 'the peace which passes understanding.' I picture this inner sanctuary as a golden ocean of light both warming and refreshing - a place I like to call The Sea of Tranquility. Won't you join me for a sail?"
--- Thomas Kinkade

Dreaming big heart size dreams!  Daring to hope! To stretch forth my hand in love and offer my peace and joy findings with those most dear.

Two weeks from today I get to see, hold, hear,, Alisha again.  And Jeremiah and his NanaJ will find at least 5 minutes apart where I may pray over him. Annoint him.  Set him on his way to finding his own relationship with his Saviour.  I will tell him the world is his for the taking, to dream big, and never settle for second best. I wil instruct him to honor and obey both of his parents and to kiss his momma in the ear every now and then,, she will pretend to dry it out and say "Stop Hisssssssing in my Ears!" 

Sending my love to Angel also. I won't get to see her after all.  She needs a hug too.

Hoping to pick Addy up and snuggle.  Truly man's best friend,, he makes a good laugh and cry pillow.

Purposing to love, laugh and dream! Enjoy the weekend! I am home for church!  God is good!

Blessed and happy, daring to hope,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Davy Crockett???

this old fat grandaddy coon sauntered out of the warehouse where i am getting loaded and climbed this pole.  He was quite perturbed at the paparazzi ;-)

GUESS WHAT?!?!?!



just blindside backed into this warehouse around steel supportt beams... with only a teensy bit of sleep!
Guess what?!    GUESS WHAT?!     GUESS WHAT?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!!

I was NOT allowed to go park! Instead, I am being reloaded at a Waste Management place in Pembroke Pines, then I get to park the loaded trailer and semi allllll weekend!!
I get to be in church Sunday (class and all!!!) and leave during the night Sunday taking the load to Mobile, Alabama by midnight Monday!

So GUESS WHAT ELSE????
When I first got this word??? I immediately arranged to pick up my dog for a visit!!!! Gonna get a hotel room Fri & Saturday night close to church!!
Going to the beach today,, put my chair IN the water and SLEEP like a board....

Pick Addy up tonite,,, take him hiking tomorrow in the Glades,,,

AND GUESS WHAT ELSE??????

I AM ARRANGING WITH ANGELITA THAT if she is out of school on Monday??? I am going to FLY HER from Tampa to Ft. Laud airport ( a mere 7 miles from my hideout)...
spend the weekend loving life with my lady bugs,,, then drop her back in Tampa on my way up I-75 to I-10 for Mobile!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Guess how I am feeling right about now?????

oh yeah, and another thing?? I AM NOT GOING TO THE DOCTOR IN ORLANDO ON MONDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i''m gonna take a week off from those evil shots!!!!!!!!!!!!
they don't work anyway,,, and ,, well, I just am.

Still need deep sleep today to make this work for me ,,,, that is my prayer for myself is for every hour I sleep, God restore me 3 hrs worth!!
100 % ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE RIGHT NOW!!

Had a kid's song playing in my spirit since dawn today ,,, it says “God's love is like a boomerang,, you give it away it comes back again”,,, and it's like LambChop's never ending song,,,,

WAHOO!!!!!!
a weekend off, see my kid and my mutt,, church,,, and no stinking doctors screwing up my mojo!!

WAHOO!!!!!!!!

happy happy happy,

Jan

High Points

Two of the greatest treasures of being a truck driver happens in the next 5 minutes from RIGHT NOW!
That is the simple joy I derive from crossing a bridge. Second is the anticpation & fulfillment of crresting a ridge in time to see the city nightscape in all its radiant lights of glory!
Bridges themselves fascinate the dreamer & optimist in me. A man sat on one side of a great divide, of a fixed gulf, of an impasse of water, mountain or land and he pondered in hi heart " I wonder what would happen if...... ?"
He gave feet to his query and wings to his wonder. One brick at a time, he forged a ramp to span the void.
Walls are painful, locking the builder inside with all their fear & hurts. Bridges foster hope of what is on the other side of the dream.
Also, the twinkling lights of any city stirs this Country Mouse's heart and enthusiasm.
Who will you be today?
A carpenter of dividing walls? A villain of mistrust and abuse?
Or an engineer of hopes & dreams? A facilitator of reconcilliation & and blessing?
As for me? If I can dream it? i can build it.
Stretching forward,
Jan M. Olsen
~ J ~
Sent from my Verizon Wireless mobile phone

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Up and At 'Em

Well, I finally got 3 hours of sleep in the middle of the day, evening.  Then at 10:30pm, my alarm rang. I got up from a dead sleep to get dressed. The other driver would be here with my relay load any moment.

JUst the movement of vertigo from lying down to an upright position and I was sick all over the place!! Those medicines I take by injection each week are dastardly evil and often I can not take the anti-emitic if I am going to drive as it makes me drowsy.

On a scale of 1-10 the fever and pain tonight is a 7 or 8.

All my joints, not just my upper body are affected. 

Then I lay back down fully dressed.  Th edriver arrived about 11pm,, and I have been up fueling, connecting to the trailer, etc.  Very nauseous, alot of pain,,, fatigue.

this wil be a rough night.

I have been practicing better breathing and feeling skills.  Unfortunately,, not enough that they are the dominant habit yet.  I can't get a grip on the pain or queasy ness.

I have to drive 350 miles to Miami immediately.

The load, once dropped and hooked to an empty trailer, I will be going to Sunrise to my culdesac, park my rig, switch to my car, go to the church,, then most likely, go to the truck, climb in bed and sleep like Rip Van Winkle.

On a differing note- I did make the effort to breathe (deliberately) ,,, and while I do not feel cured, I did find strength to look UP!  The sky is clear, the stars very visible in all their formations.

I am grateful to be alive. at all.  Each day is a gift.  What will I give back in return?

My drive will consist of 6-7 hours of fervent prayers and interceding for others,,,,  through this God sustains me as well.  Focus wil be off of my body and its limitations, and on the greatness of allmighty, Sovereign God.

By concentrating on OTHERS  I will feel better, more blessed, more gratitude, and less of the infirmities of this mortal and weary flesh.

GOD WILL HEAL ME!

I am alive!!!! I am able to work!!  I am blessed with a job I love that seems tailored to my specific needs and schedule!!!!  I even showered before I lay down to nap, so I COULD just tuck and roll ,,, and the shower 3 days in a row>?>??  I am grateful for the running water and hot temperatures, ended by the cool rinse.

This is already tomorrow,, at 12:01am, Friday,, I start my workday,,,,

Blessed and honored to be alive.

Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Is it a long day or a hard day when I am too tired to sleep, unsafe to stay awake?

While flattering to be the Lil' Darling of the terminal drivers, mechanics,  and staff here in Jacksonville, it is also a bit of a burden.

I've noticed people that encounter me ask questions that can all fit in 3 categories, and the last one relates to the first.

1) Let's talk about our beliefs. Our faith. About the LORD.

2) Wanna go out with me?

3) Why are you always smiling? Every time I see you from across the Yard, I know it is you from your SMILE.

The head mechanic gave me his phone number today to call or text anytime.  We were discussing if we are okay as men and women to go have wings & things together off-campus.

Kinda leery after JJ to mix work and personal life.

Eric did say  something pretty cool that at least hinted to the man inside the uniform. He told me "right up front, I need to tell you I am separated.  I haven't been with my wife in a year, but we are not divorced yet."

While, relationship wise that is a dead end RED FLAG, like I told him right back, "Eric, up front let me tell you, I am not dating you or anyone. If two friends want to go share a meal and fellowship, then that is fine. I however am content with my dog."

So he gave me the number. He wrote it down,,, so far, I have not put it into my phone.  I could ask him to take me to dinner tonight, since I am here until 11pm waiting on a load to arrive.

However, I am going to be kinder to myself than that  - - - -this lil darlin is going to bed in about 5 minutes!

I Must Declare

I can't fight this feeling any longer, Yet, I'm still afraid to let it flow.  What started out as friendship has grown stronger. I only wish I had the strength to let it show.


I tell myself that I can't hold out forever. I say there is no reason for my fear.,'Cause I feel so secure when we're together. You give my life direction, you make eveything so clear.


Even as I wander, I'm keeping you in sight. You're a candle in the window on a cold dark winter's night. And I'm getting closer than I ever though I might.

Just gotta say it out loud, here and in the flesh with my voice, but IBD? I love you. I always have, always will. The fact that you love me, and that I can't take myself out of your love, does give me sustenance to carry on.

Even though we each resist successfully the sweetness of surrender, please know, you are dear to me and I am grateful you are in the threads of who I am and who I will be.  I will never be able to succeed in the future without remembering the love and rock steady support you have girded me with.

When I conquer the evil, when I let light and purpose shine and glory, you my warrior, my Sir Isaac, will be found in the framework of my foundations. You've led me to a greater knowledge and acceptance of who Jesus is and his unconditional love,, even for unworthy lost fools like me.

Of all I have ever known or will meet, I realize that you cherish me. That means alot to know.

You are a majestic eagle, and I merely an ugly brown wren.  But as Angel Bugs says, you are just a good man with a great God. Amen.

I do love you.  That is why I do not lay a claim or connect to you in the only areas we have yet to explore. Let us keep our beauty and virtue where it stands now, blameless before an holy God.

My dear, you are true, I do belong in your embrace. And MAN! Do I wish we were able to stay in that joyous moment we experience when we connect and love together.

 And when you sing, clear and annointed, yes my dear, you sing with the voice of an angel. Your accapella tones stride clear and pure. Your song breaks my heart to hear it, as I weep inside that I can not abide there and listen to you forever.

I love how the spirit in me, connects with the spirit in you.  We can pray as two people side by side, and share one conversation with God as our center, each complementing each other in thought, words, and actions.

You ARE the measure of a man,,, and I will walk the rest of my life knowing that the guys that pass through either do not come up to where you are and the standard of a Godly man, or that I have settled for far less than either of us deserve.

I'd rather hold myself apart than to settle....  and so,,, like two ships passing in the night, I salute you and the beacon you are for me.

If only I had the courage to turn my ship in to the shore, and give away my oars forever?
There has never been another for whom this song fulfills.
I love you.

click link below:


Your Jan,
~J~

In Need

Please pray for me. I am one tired pup.   Several days of  3-4 hours sleep at night. Today, have to flip. Was not able to drive due to fever today,, now I have to drive overnight.

I should go to sleep. but it is 4:40pm and clear blue skies.  I have to drive 9pm-3am and then come right back up to Jacksonville to be in position for a load going South on Saturday.  Otherwise, I won't be home for Sunday school.  That is not an option.

Been a beautiful day weather wise. Also, spent tremendous hours in personal study and meditation on choices and direction.

Spoke to Angela several times today, so wonderful to be in this moment of our lives.  Needing an Alisha and Jeremiah fix, but she works harder than I do.

something is "off" and not sure what.. maybe sleep will right the kilter??

Blessed,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
TIMING PERFECT - - I JUST READ AN ENTIRE BOOK, COVER TO COVER IN ONE SETTING THAT HAS HIT A HOME RUN IN MY HEART & HOPES! WAY TO GO!

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

OH WOW... soft wow,,,, LOUD WOW!!!!




Tim Janis " Music For The Heart" gift set,,, all of his music in one collection!!!


What a gift to myself,,,, maybe I will one day :-)

Over 20 hours, 427 of his songs in one collection....  not even the cost of 10 cds individually.

Broken

With my love and my sadness
I come before You Lord
My heart’s in a thousand pieces
Maybe even more



Yet I trust in this moment
You’re with me somehow
And You’ve always been faithful


So Lord even now


When all that I can sing
Is a broken hallelujah
When my only offering
Is shattered praise
Still a song of adoration
Will rise up from these ruins


I will worship You and give You thanks
Even when my only praise
Is a broken hallelujah


Oh Father, You have given
Much more than I deserve
And I have felt Your hand of blessing
On me at every turn


How could I doubt Your goodness
Your wisdom, Your grace
So Lord hear my heart
In this painful place


Hallelujah
I lift my voice
Your Spirit moves
I raise my hands
I reach for You

Broken Hallelujah-Freedom(Psalm 42:1-5, Acts 16:22-25a)
Behind the Song:
“Broken Hallelujah” is one of the most moving songs I have ever heard. I believe that there is a presence of the Lord that comes when we as believers offer up a sacrifice of praise and I think that when things are not going the best, when our circumstances could not look worse, I think that when we offer up a Hallelujah to the Lord that that honors him more than any other thing. And so “Broken Hallelujah” is a song that mirrors the power that can happen when we as believers lift up that sacrifice of worship to His name." - Mandisa
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Where do I go from here? There's such surrender in arms lifted high, eyes closed. Such trust. even in those around you.
Jan
~J~



by Mandisa

BREAKTHROUGH! In An Audible Voice Of Calm He Dove Into My Sea

From: Jan


To: Mark Hattabaugh

Subject: In an audible still voice of calm he dove into my sea

Date: Jun 20, 2008 11:28 AM
To the Breaking Down of Strongholds

I mentioned in an earlier email how I wish I could be in a place to attend Sunday services. I have culled my IPOD and I have been listening to the 3 Christian stations on my Sirius satellite radio. Familiarizing myself with today’s Contemporary Christian music, I also get a big kick out of the morning preachers and follow them regularly. I realize they may not be Oneness but all the theology or doctrine aside, they bring character studies that are better than the rock music I may play instead. There is one series that gave the word to what I needed.



One of the first things is that I want to tell you I appreciate you and men and women like you. So “you” here refers to a group of people that allow themselves to be sensitive vessels to the discernments and directions the Holy Ghost guides. When God says go pray with someone, sing this, say that, worship Him, you do it. I recognize that the happiness that earned you your nickname is God in you. I want what you have. Is that ok to admit?



It was you, Pastor Hattabaugh, that actually said the phrase that triggered my breakthrough back to God and the Holy Ghost. Sure, I posted a bright orange paper to my steering wheel marked “NEVER FORGET”, but it was something you said before the speaker came up. You talked briefly about the Potter and being put back on the wheel or something like that. This seemingly random, yet God inspired directive was meant for me. It impaled me to my seat like a spear doused in gasoline and set aflame. It burned and it hurt. I couldn’t wait for the speaker to * FINALLY * say the altars were open!!!!!!!! I knew in that instant, as my chest exploded that TONIGHT my self-constructed safety fortress had been hit by a mortar and was rubble.

And yet, there was still something missing. The roof was blown off , but like the walls of Jerico, it has taken time for the entire deliverance from my stronghold to reach fruition. I had been empty. And God instantaneously filled that place inside me. I know I have only yet re-entered an age-old spiritual battle for my soul. As I went forward, I am trying to behave the right way, etc. On the Sirius a ministry called In Touch by Dr. Charles Stanley started a new series June 18th. “Brokenness, the Way to Blessing”. Just the title and I had that whoa, here we go feeling. Yes, God has brought me through a lot. But at some point, ,,, I know when,,, I took myself off the Potter’s wheel, and I said to God, “Here, let me get myself together so I can be worth something to you, then I will come back to you and you can use me however you see fit.” I didn’t do it in rebellion or pride. It was in survival. At that moment, I constructed a layer of defense around my entire being – physical, emotional, spiritual, mental – everything. I did what I had to do to survive abuse and injury. I kept the abuse so close to my vest that I don’t think even people like you knew what I went home to when I left the campground or service. I musta been good at it.(not to say look at me,,,, more to say, no one saw me at all) I coached quizzing four years, went to Nationals twice, helped in the dorm at camp 3 or 4 years, all that, and no one noticed I was drowning. I think Bro. Boyd sensed something and I believe if Bro. Lipham had known the abuse beyond the infidelity, he would have taken my ex to hand himself.

June 18th message link , the beginning of the series and the one that touched me so deeply
http://www.intouch.org/site/c.dhKHIXPKIuE/b.2295509/k.9338/Audio_Archives.html

Dr. Stanley quickly told us to ask the question “What is it we are holding onto? What is holding us together”? Instantly, I was given the phrase by the Holy Ghost of *self-reliance*. I wrote it on the notebook I keep for just such reasons on my dash. And I circled it. Doggone if that wasn’t one of his first examples… talk about confirmation? Words that I use to describe me and my safety mechanisms, like determined, driven, etc. He said, “Holding on, I lose. Letting go, I win.” He said the listener may be feeling conviction over some area God has just zeroed in on, and it is written across our mind and circled in red. He was so right on the money I was looking around to see if he was in the rig with me, LOL.

 I eagerly waited for today’s installment, but it passed in a blur. I was deep in thought. When Focus on the Family is over I switch to music channels. I began to pray the way I often do, just chatting with God. Then I heard a voice as audible as a conversation between two people could be, “ Turn it off.”

 Startled me, so I was, “Yes, Sir, right away, Sir”.

 God said, “Now, Let’s try this again. What were you saying just now?”

I really felt like I should be taking my shoes off or something, I was so definitely in God’s presence on holy ground. Driving no less.

What happened next is very personal and hard to tell in black and white text. I can say that I bet I alarmed passing motorists if they happened to look up and saw me weeping and talking aloud. I have been unable to cry, yet, here I was. I am driving an 80000 pound bomb. But God asked me not to stop driving yet. Hmm? I drove 1,800 miles from Denver, Co to Holcomb, KS, to Denver, PA in 3 ½ days. And God chose this moment at 11:05am on a Thursday to finish the work in me he began in Cooper City two weeks ago. Sigh,,,

Man, once the tear dam broke the night I prayed back through, there seems to be no relief in sight. Even now. Good thing screens don’t smear when a drop splashes on the words.

In a continuation of my repentance prayer two weeks ago at the altar, I told God how I was sorry I had ever walked away. I even got to the point for the very first time in my life,, I didn’t think this could happen, but I told God that as much as I love Angel and Alisha, if I never see them again, hear their voice, hug their neck,, if Alisha somehow doesn’t’ know how much I love her, if I never get to worship with them again, that I will still serve him. If it means I am alone in loving him, then let it be. I felt so free right then, it was amazing. I gave the girls and all my love for them,, to God. Whew…..

Need to fill in a gap right quick so the next part will make sense. I love my parents and I am at peace with them. But they both said something to me over the years that cut me to the quick. All my life growing up, I was a daddy’s girl. Around a bout junior high, he began telling me, “I love you, but I do not like you very much right now.” OH!! That defined how I saw myself. And my Mom told me a few years ago she was, “Proud of me”. That’s seems innocuous enough, right? But in context, it hurt and angered me. So all this is going on in my conversation with God today. How can my mom say she is proud of me? She doesn’t even **KNOW*** me !!!!!!!!!! She is proud because I didn’t go loose sleeping around or into drugs after my divorce like so many of my cousins did. She’s proud because I supported me and the girls I didn’t’ ask them for money at all. What the heck is that to be proud of? Proud because I worked harder not smarter? Give me a break!

It’s true, I didn’t get sexually loose. I had one boyfriend for 2 ½ years. He was the love of my life. But he was not Apostolic. So when he asked me two different times to marry him, even while I was out in the world, I said no, because I knew I couldn’t unequally yoke with him. Marriage to me is a forever thing, and I couldn’t commit when I knew he had no plan to surrender to God. I knew I would come back. I tried pot 4 times in my adult life and it made me sick as a dog each time. The fitness trainer and the two times I tried coke,, were the only other occasions. Otherwise, she was right, no one since my husband. That is largely because when Angel read Josh Harris’ book, “I Kiss Dating Goodbye” I read it too so we could talk about it. The part about giving pieces of yourself away perfectly describes the emptiness casual sex entails. I am perfectly normal, it doesn't mean I am without temptation. But spiritual bankruptcy is enough to bear on its own without personal void too.

Not too long ago, as my Dad hugged me bye after a visit, he whispered in my ear, “I know what I said about loving you but not liking you. I just want to say that I like you now.” Great…. It was… but …..

Here I was today, praying, surrendering,,, I’ve done all that before. Then God asked me, “Why aren’t you on the wheel?” Your words came back to me, And I had this light shine into my soul illuminating my every fear, every concern, every tear uncried,,,,, and I lost it. Running was over. I had to give an honest account. “I took myself off the wheel. I wanted you to be proud of me. I thought if I got strong, then you could shape what was left and then use me.” (not to say, see my works,,, not at all,,, that was NEVER it!) See, that used to be my regular prayer, in Auburndale, I prayed and visualized MANY times of God shaping me, molding me, squeezing me into a blob and starting over, refining me. I know the exact moment I committed my sin.

For me, it wasn’t enough to be loved. Dad could do that. I needed to be someone God could be proud of. Then he could love me for a reason. Ah,,,, I needed to fix myself and present myself to God because all I have ever wanted was to be God’s vessel, to serve, preferably quietly in the background. I wasn’t enough for my folks growing up. Wasn’t worth my Mom protecting me over and over and over again, couldn’t get it right with my Dad, Mom wasn’t even around, leaving me to raise Michael at too young an age while she went to college and worked and slept. They signed for me to marry at 16,,,, did they even care? I was bound by a silly Southern code of honor, “Don’t make mom cry.” I was six year s old,,, why did I have to have that job of protecting her?

Brokenness.

I want to be on the Potter’s wheel. I don’t want to be solely responsible for making life work all the time. That’s exhausting. And it’s never, ever, ever e-n-o-u-g-h.

God and I got this far in today’s conversation, kids, parents, potter’s wheels, the Past, my desire to serve….

I am very aware of my past. The mistakes I have made, the wrongs, abuses and hurts I encountered. But I am not afraid. I choose to see the good in people. And I only need those events to give me compassion, clarity when it comes to testifying how in spite of it all, God is able, present, and willing to be my savior, lover of my soul, father and groom. I am proof, God forgives a multitude of sins and loves us still. I stopped for a pit break. But I was still red from crying and people looked at me funny as I stood staring at the map. I stopped long enough to take another aspirin to push the headache just below nausea level and got back on the road. I was very close to my receiver.

At the altar last week one of the things God revealed to me was that he had been with me in every dark, painful event and moment. Every last one of them, he showed me one by one and let me see him there.

Today, He let me see him, he told me how it hurt him the day I said I was getting off the wheel that I needed to fix some things on my own. I told him I was so very sorry I had ever hurt him, rejected him. Only then did He allowed me to see himself. Oh Brother Hattabaugh, he was weeping with me over the years. Sometimes he did my crying for me when I couldn’t. Today? He caught my tears and let them roll across his palm.

One more time, just when I thought I was as limp as I could be, God audibly said, “And?”

And what, God?!?!?!

I pray all the time for God to prepare the boy for each of my girls, to start as children, and to prepare my girls to be who God has them to be as a mate. Sometimes, I even pray it for myself, God please be working on molding a guy for me, and me for him. I realize though, I am not allowed to remarry. Ole is on wife #3, but I am to be single.

What God asked me today was, if I would let him be enough? Forever. My everything. I thought that was a no-brainer. But he specified details ,,, he is to be my everything. Period. If it becomes “forever”? he still demands to be my all, my everything. End of discussion.

I am young, and full of life. This is a lot to ask. But I see now, what choice is there, really? This isn’t a multiple choice question with D being: I don’t like the above choices. There never has been option B,,, it was supposed to have been God all along. I had some repenting to do there too.

What could be an interminably lonely place for me? Just became very FULL! There’s no room in my life for another,,,, not even my girls … in a sense. That is very sobering and awe inspiring.

I am out of steam, so to sum it up, God allowed me to be broken until I came today to the knowledge and acceptance of who Jesus really is and of what it really means to be full of the spirit of God. He is stern though, he is to be the only one filling me and I can no longer be provider or protector. It has to be him, or nothing. There was no room for negotiation. I take all of him in me, and I cease to exist as Janet Marie Olsen, or he will not continue to settle with halfway. If he never uses me in service to him, if I never see or love my girls again, if I am to remain single until my last breath here on earth, I am now required to be Jesus’ only. To coin a phrase of the 70’s? “That’s heavy, man.”

All or nothing at all. Wow,,,

Jan Olsen

II John v.12