I am within 3.5 miles of where my youngest daughter is at work. I had to pull over the side of the road to gather myself. A case of the nerves :-/
She and I are two hard heads, used to bump alot. I don't wanna live on eggshells,, worried she will cut me out if I tick her off. It takes REAL WORK to frustrate me to the walk-away point..... like 14 yrs, 11 months, 3 weeks, 6 days to leave a marriage that was a dead end to begin with,,, that kind of thing.
One of Alisha's "I HAVE ARRIVED" points was her 18th birthday,, so she could "pick an arguement and then walk out and I couldnt tell her to sit down and finish it".... lolollol
Well, she certainly arrived there. What did it prosper?
So I wanna see her, hug her,, love her,,, share my peace and the strides I have made in my own life,, as well as get to know, Alisha the adult, mother of one...
My hands are shaking..... my tummy in a flopping racket.
Need to take some time to talk myself into making that last step ... the reality of answer to many prayers, sleepless nights, and blessings.
3.5 miles..... sigh...... a long deep breath a mile???? LOL
here I go :)
~J~
a supportive reply?
I'm so glad. This is not an answer to prayer. This is an answer to many prayers!
Enjoy. Live it. Love it. Experience it. And come back refreshed and reconnected to your daughter. Blessings!
Essence
I shall be at peace when the lion within can lie down with the lamb.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Thumping!
This car is rigged for SERIOUS SOUND! whew! If this was mine, I'd be a candidate for Angelita's sign language!
A guilty pleasure is bass thumping ELF I can feel in my chest and that makes the whole vehicle or house thrum and vibrate!! I would be dangerous with $1,000 to sink in a decent sound system, lol!!
It's friday nite dance and club music - a techno, R/B, hiphip station! It's throbbing my leg on the door, mercy! Pitbull music always makes me smile, his style and swagger is FUN! Live vicariously thru his party ;-)
I gotta be CAREFUL- I earned a $1,200 speeding ticket in my car last december,,,, FHP clocked me going 101mph in a 70 mph on FL Turnpike. relieved, cuz I had pegged out at 125mph part of the time!
after plodding along 18 wheels, 70 ft long Combinaton T/T governed at 62 mph? Well, a girl's gotta let her down, let the hosses run when she gets a chance!! This car is a 6 cyl...whee doggie! Z-Z-zipn!
Nothing at all to do a buck fifty on motorcycles or swim with sharks...but let the phone ring? I get clammy, lol.
finally got hydrated....didn"t fast on purpose, so hadn't properly prepared or talked my body into abstaining.... so i had a terrible headache! All cool now, just usual fever and fatigue.
FULL MOON! THE ROCKIES SHROUDED IN A STEEP FOG AND MYSTIQUE! they are there, you know it, even when you can't see it.
Having faith and fun, very loud, FAST fun!
Jan M. Olsen
~ J ~
Sent from my Verizon Wireless mobile phone
I'm Here, Anywhere But There
Well, uneventful flights. Supposedly 48 degrees here in denver. I shucked my jacket immediately from the hustling bustle to navigate a maze of an airport. Felt like the mouse Algernon. I should buy myself flowers, though, because I did it!
First sight that was independantly my own, not the terminal or shuttle, or rental agencies, but rather the first view outside, in the fresh air (THANK YOU LORD FOR OUTDOORS!!!)...was a rainbow! Everyone knows, there"s promise and rest from a rainbow! Encouraged, by what a harried local may have missed, I soaked in like an arid desert bloom.
Immed bought a bottle of water and chugged it! My BP iss high, my pain is screaming for my attention, my cold is moving up and out my ears and throat Water!! TYJ for WATER to drink!!!
About to enter Denver at their Friday, 5 o'clock dash! In a car! How cool is that?! An invitation timed just when I was feeling a bit overwhelmed, to join my daughter at her work. An answer to a preference, I will get to greet her one on one, without the baby as her shield. I'm tired, but this is what i came to do!
Still 30 min later, sitting in an exhorbitant $ rental car, taking deep breaths and reminding myself of the mercies, grace, and favor of God that brought me to this second ofg Time in my life. I set a goal, I prayed for direction, provision, God's will, and timing.....and here I am.
Open arms, mind and heart to receive the fruit of years of labor. It's right here.
Thanks for joining me as I ride,
Jan M.Olsen
~ J ~
Sent from my Verizon Wireless mobile phone
Immed bought a bottle of water and chugged it! My BP iss high, my pain is screaming for my attention, my cold is moving up and out my ears and throat Water!! TYJ for WATER to drink!!!
About to enter Denver at their Friday, 5 o'clock dash! In a car! How cool is that?! An invitation timed just when I was feeling a bit overwhelmed, to join my daughter at her work. An answer to a preference, I will get to greet her one on one, without the baby as her shield. I'm tired, but this is what i came to do!
Still 30 min later, sitting in an exhorbitant $ rental car, taking deep breaths and reminding myself of the mercies, grace, and favor of God that brought me to this second ofg Time in my life. I set a goal, I prayed for direction, provision, God's will, and timing.....and here I am.
Open arms, mind and heart to receive the fruit of years of labor. It's right here.
Thanks for joining me as I ride,
Jan M.Olsen
~ J ~
Sent from my Verizon Wireless mobile phone
Country Mouse Loose In A Small City ;-)
WOW!!! It is REAL!!! It is HERE!! It is HAPPENING!!!
Country Mouse is at her gate in the Jacksonville Airport. Relatively painless, this is no Dallas or Orlando!!! Very low traffic and calm. Security was thorough, but non-invasive.
I keep pinching myself!!! THE DAY HAS ARRIVED!!!
Ok,, here is the requisite photo from the gate, with my plane in view! hah!! Just proof when I need it that I AM REALLY GOING TO FLY TO SEE ALISHA!!!!!
I got here 90 minute early, I am so excited. LOL!! And in awe of all the food venues and sales opportunites here in the airport!!! To save money,, I hit up the gut truck at the Yard,, and aint drinking much at all.
OH heck!! I am just soooooooooooooo bubbling!!
Country Mouse is at her gate in the Jacksonville Airport. Relatively painless, this is no Dallas or Orlando!!! Very low traffic and calm. Security was thorough, but non-invasive.
I keep pinching myself!!! THE DAY HAS ARRIVED!!!
Ok,, here is the requisite photo from the gate, with my plane in view! hah!! Just proof when I need it that I AM REALLY GOING TO FLY TO SEE ALISHA!!!!!
I got here 90 minute early, I am so excited. LOL!! And in awe of all the food venues and sales opportunites here in the airport!!! To save money,, I hit up the gut truck at the Yard,, and aint drinking much at all.
OH heck!! I am just soooooooooooooo bubbling!!
Thursday, October 21, 2010
If You're Weird And You Know It, Clap Your Hands, CLAP CLAP
After making a rambling list of what to pack and what to do in the AM to secure my truck?
Was going to sleep, but first began to sync and charge my MP3 for the flight- heaven help me I'm singing to top of my lungs...like just me and the Atlantic ocean- singing.
Oooh Boy :-/
Like Dad always said, "Girl, for somebody so smart, how can you be so dumb sometimes?"
I hear ya loud and clear on this one.
Laughing at myself,, and gonna try to decompress again.
With a shake of my head and a grin, gnite moon!
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Was going to sleep, but first began to sync and charge my MP3 for the flight- heaven help me I'm singing to top of my lungs...like just me and the Atlantic ocean- singing.
Oooh Boy :-/
Like Dad always said, "Girl, for somebody so smart, how can you be so dumb sometimes?"
I hear ya loud and clear on this one.
Laughing at myself,, and gonna try to decompress again.
With a shake of my head and a grin, gnite moon!
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Is There Any Calgon In That Suitcase? Please, Take Me Away!
Listening to: "In The Arms Of The Angels" Sarah McLaughlin,,,and "Wild Thing" Tone Loc... kinda alllll over the place, dontcha think?? UGH!!!!
I am a list-maker. So,, all this uncertainty,, all this hotwire, expedia, priceline, orbitz, direct websites and 1-800 numbers is giving me a colossal headache!! Where you shave a penny here, it cost you a nickel in the fine print!! I finally sat down just a few minutes ago, determined to not get up until I had a rental car reserved!!!!!!! Aiyiyiyiyi YI YI YI!!
Angel, I have joined you among the procrastinator ranks this time, Baby! And btw,, i am uncomfortable with every second of it,, so,, don't look to pull me down into YOUR bucket, little Crab,, come up to the LIGHT! Lol, j/k, love ya, Bugs! Thanks for holding my arms up in battle, my little Warrior Dove! The pay off is near at hand, my love!
Not much of a gal that gets out on vacation types very often?? I have no real idea how to navigate all those tools. I decided to just go direct. That's what I did over a month ago when I bought my airline ticket from Southwest.
It creeps me out to give my credit card number over the internet,, and let the fickle Finger Of Fate choose the merchant, location and ware for me!! I opted for a slightly mid-size car,,, even though it will only be my daughter, the baby, and I? And my suitcase??? this gives room for strollers, diaper bags,, and all the loot Jeremiah is about to score from his soft NanaJ - wry laugh!!!
I worked several days extra on this paycheck,, just so I CAN load his wagon! It has been hard not to buy him gifts as I see them,, when I would have to pay shipping or luggage... sooooo,,, with supreme self-control, I am going to wait! And take Momma and baby shopping together.
To be honest??? I don't even know what size he wears? What is his bedroom decorated like? What does his mom and dad enjoy these days???
People??? I haven't even seen Alisha in THREE years... from 18-21,,, I am sure she has changed.
I know I have :)
Then there's the small matter of where to sleep??? I want to just sleep in the car,, like I do my truck. I think Pastor would not agree,,, as a matter of fact,, he counselled against it. LOL. Tony, Alisha's husband,, will not let me in thier home. So,,, any visiting will be done in a hotel, or out in town. Reckon I will get a room...
In the words of the buzzards in Jungle Book, "Let's not start that again!! Reservations?? PLEASE my pea brain is maxxed out!!
I am just so grateful for this gift ,,, time and opportunity. How wonderful the day when Alisha emailed me asking for my phone number. I was training a new student, when we got stuck in New Mexico in a flash blizzard that closed I-40 for 4 days last January. Then THE CALL came in,, from a number I didnt recognize,, and a tearful, quivering voice on the other end, said, "Mommy?"
We cried that day, my girl and I,,, as I am crying now,, with washing tears of both relief and joy.
I had faith that if I just waited for her,, and prayed,, and waited,,, and prayed,, and waited,,, that ONE day,,,
and it was worth it in the end to hear that ONE word - Mommy?
I had forgiven Alisha and Tony mere days after the split 3 years ago.
But I forgave myself with the mention of my name by my Happy Dancer.
OH!! What peace.... what release,,,, what HOPE...
So here I am,,, under 24 hours from arriving in her town,, looking for a silly hotel to throw my money away to,,,, not sure if I wil get to see her then? If she will ask me to her job? Or if we will first meet on Saturday?
I have a hope.... I need a few minutes with just Alisha,, without Jeremiah in her arms... OMG I have got to hold her and look in her eyes and SEE and LET HER SEE my love,,,, I just have to!! It's been too long.
Then, throughout the weekend,, I need to be alone with Jeremiah,, just 5 minutes,, to annoint and pray over him, to give angels charge over him,, to instruct him to always love and honor and cherish both his mom and his dad forever.
So distracted at work today??? I ended up with THREE blue ink pens in my jeans back pocket and THREE pairs of sunglasses on my head!!!
I slept 12 hours last night,, I could so easy go to bed right now,,, give in to the sad tears for my friend, the grateful tears for Angel, Alisha, Jeremiah and I .... pray and just go to sleep.... I think a good sleep will be a GREAT start for this adventure!!!
I have less fever in my joints today. It's been almost 3 weeks since I had those abominable injections and associated nausea. No idea what my BP is,, but I can tell it is NOT at critical mass..
Instead, I am limp in heart and body. Yawning with my mouth and my mind.
ii John v. 12- Having many things to write unto you, I would not write with paper and ink: but I trust to come unto you, and speak face to face, that our joy may be full.
Yearning, dreaming, thanking,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Ecclesiastes 3 The GRATITUDE- inducing verses highlighted in BLUE!
1To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
2A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
3A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
4A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; (well HALLELUJAH FOR THESE TWO TIMES!!!))
5A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
6A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
7A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
8A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.
Been a very busy last few days.Alot of decisions to make.When it came right down to it?
I chose to live my life among the living.
I am going through with my plans to go see Alisha and my grandson. Jeremiah turned 7 months old today, and I will get to meet the little dude for the first time in just a few short hours from right now, mark time, MARCH!
I am a list-maker. So,, all this uncertainty,, all this hotwire, expedia, priceline, orbitz, direct websites and 1-800 numbers is giving me a colossal headache!! Where you shave a penny here, it cost you a nickel in the fine print!! I finally sat down just a few minutes ago, determined to not get up until I had a rental car reserved!!!!!!! Aiyiyiyiyi YI YI YI!!
Angel, I have joined you among the procrastinator ranks this time, Baby! And btw,, i am uncomfortable with every second of it,, so,, don't look to pull me down into YOUR bucket, little Crab,, come up to the LIGHT! Lol, j/k, love ya, Bugs! Thanks for holding my arms up in battle, my little Warrior Dove! The pay off is near at hand, my love!
Not much of a gal that gets out on vacation types very often?? I have no real idea how to navigate all those tools. I decided to just go direct. That's what I did over a month ago when I bought my airline ticket from Southwest.
It creeps me out to give my credit card number over the internet,, and let the fickle Finger Of Fate choose the merchant, location and ware for me!! I opted for a slightly mid-size car,,, even though it will only be my daughter, the baby, and I? And my suitcase??? this gives room for strollers, diaper bags,, and all the loot Jeremiah is about to score from his soft NanaJ - wry laugh!!!
I worked several days extra on this paycheck,, just so I CAN load his wagon! It has been hard not to buy him gifts as I see them,, when I would have to pay shipping or luggage... sooooo,,, with supreme self-control, I am going to wait! And take Momma and baby shopping together.
People??? I haven't even seen Alisha in THREE years... from 18-21,,, I am sure she has changed.
I know I have :)
Then there's the small matter of where to sleep??? I want to just sleep in the car,, like I do my truck. I think Pastor would not agree,,, as a matter of fact,, he counselled against it. LOL. Tony, Alisha's husband,, will not let me in thier home. So,,, any visiting will be done in a hotel, or out in town. Reckon I will get a room...
In the words of the buzzards in Jungle Book, "Let's not start that again!! Reservations?? PLEASE my pea brain is maxxed out!!
I am just so grateful for this gift ,,, time and opportunity. How wonderful the day when Alisha emailed me asking for my phone number. I was training a new student, when we got stuck in New Mexico in a flash blizzard that closed I-40 for 4 days last January. Then THE CALL came in,, from a number I didnt recognize,, and a tearful, quivering voice on the other end, said, "Mommy?"
We cried that day, my girl and I,,, as I am crying now,, with washing tears of both relief and joy.
I had faith that if I just waited for her,, and prayed,, and waited,,, and prayed,, and waited,,, that ONE day,,,
and it was worth it in the end to hear that ONE word - Mommy?
I had forgiven Alisha and Tony mere days after the split 3 years ago.
But I forgave myself with the mention of my name by my Happy Dancer.
OH!! What peace.... what release,,,, what HOPE...
So here I am,,, under 24 hours from arriving in her town,, looking for a silly hotel to throw my money away to,,,, not sure if I wil get to see her then? If she will ask me to her job? Or if we will first meet on Saturday?
I have a hope.... I need a few minutes with just Alisha,, without Jeremiah in her arms... OMG I have got to hold her and look in her eyes and SEE and LET HER SEE my love,,,, I just have to!! It's been too long.
Then, throughout the weekend,, I need to be alone with Jeremiah,, just 5 minutes,, to annoint and pray over him, to give angels charge over him,, to instruct him to always love and honor and cherish both his mom and his dad forever.
So distracted at work today??? I ended up with THREE blue ink pens in my jeans back pocket and THREE pairs of sunglasses on my head!!!
I slept 12 hours last night,, I could so easy go to bed right now,,, give in to the sad tears for my friend, the grateful tears for Angel, Alisha, Jeremiah and I .... pray and just go to sleep.... I think a good sleep will be a GREAT start for this adventure!!!
I have less fever in my joints today. It's been almost 3 weeks since I had those abominable injections and associated nausea. No idea what my BP is,, but I can tell it is NOT at critical mass..
Instead, I am limp in heart and body. Yawning with my mouth and my mind.
ii John v. 12- Having many things to write unto you, I would not write with paper and ink: but I trust to come unto you, and speak face to face, that our joy may be full.
Yearning, dreaming, thanking,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Ecclesiastes 3 The GRATITUDE- inducing verses highlighted in BLUE!
1To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
2A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
3A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
4A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; (well HALLELUJAH FOR THESE TWO TIMES!!!))
5A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
6A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
7A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
8A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Resting
In Angel's made up word, I am anky. Cranky and achy, lol. Used to tell tthem as kids, "just because you have a fever and don't feel good? DOn't take it out on anyone else. We didn't do it to you."
I needed that chastisement. I am so tired that even my skin hurts. So?? Stripped to the bare essentials (that's to the skin) ...even my skin will get air and breathing room. Turning my brain off, laying my body in a restFULL position, temperature perfect (super cold)...not expecting anyone to knock on my truck for any reason. Word up! If they do dare disturb my slumber? I will prolly bite! Fair warning!
I want to dream of catching candy at a parade. Nothing more seriouss or dark than that, please.
Climbing into the wingspan of the angels, ready to surrender my guard.
Spent time specifically "free-writing" in my new notebook. Timed it and all that jazz. Time was up very quickly, I had more to say.
well, before i fall asleep typing this blog, gonna close my eyes and picture those I am grateful for! Can't wait to see Alisha...about this time on Friday.
Goodnight, with a gentle song and release,
Jan M. Olsen
~ J ~
Sent from my Verizon Wireless mobile phone
Boomerang
Already been driving 10 hours. Four more to go. At that pseudo milestone, DOT says stop, drop and roll (into bed). The preferred location for this relief of duty status would be 1)near my car/church 2) truck stop with food 3) rest area with indoor plumbing 4) near the next shipper, on the roadside, no facilities whatsoever.
Hmmmmm... my company insists I "make it happen" to go pick up the next load before break. So,,,,ding ding ding! Number 4 is winner of Home Sweet Home! Happy Wednesday to me!
My eyes hurt and twitch. My nose, throat, and chest hurt, tight, red,,,,, all that is extra bonus to the inferno that boils day and night anyway. Sigh,,,, what I wouldn't give to sleep in the swimming pool, head propped up on a noodle... that always scared the mess out of the fitness trainers!!! To come out to lock up, to find me drifting, lights off to the pool,, SOUND ASLEEP!!!!!
Maybe a bit like a boomerang? Jax to Miami to Orlando - lost some momentum on the bounce UP. oh well cest a vie. 14 hrs is enough punishment to my wore out body. Hmpf! My sleeping bag is calling with its Siren Song!
For music, settled on Classical. It's not mindless. My ears tune into the various "voices" of each section, or even individual instruments. Engaged, as the movements progress, my mind follows the drama and journey. Even my whupped body responded by tensing, flexxing, moving in time.... when the music was slow or soft, I breathed deeply and really "looked" at my tense places. Too numerous to release all at once, I WAS still driving my semi, LOL. When the crescendoes came, I noticed I was pumped and invigorated. Could drive many more hours.. but nah,,, :)
Amazing bass trombone, cello, and some delightful midwest American composers as well!
The focus has been what my thoughts needed. A guided channel to lands, times, loves near and far. Less time introspective or burning with pain.
Good choice of station, Jan! You ROCK!
Passed within 1 mile of my car. Only 5 miles from church and my adoptive family. I dont usually get same day assignments back out of SoFL, so was already rolling with anticipation to my hiding place. Woulda got in just as Pastor came out of his private devotions. Staff would be arriving. I could have gotten in the building,,, sometimes just BEING is perfect and fulfilling. Oh well, have to adjust and tuck and roll. That's all.
Trying to use up my cold food before vacation. Blindly grabbed the apples.Sliced in a bag, was a little put off they looked like the wizened apple witches we made as kids. Tangy fermented too. Ptooey! Glad its now daylight, will be examining the brocolli and carrots for freshness.
Put up a note in the driver's lounge at Terminal in Jax. I need a ride to the airport on Friday....
Trying to work on my awareness of my thoughts, words, voice, and breathing. A little bit of effort to find the humbly grateful girl I know was smooshed to a pulp yesterday by the death of my friend. Attitude of gratitude, even if it is only for music, word, true sour apples (bah), and my upcoming date with my pillow ;-)
How'd I do???
lol
Tired, but shiny side up,
Jan M. Olsen
*** UPDATE!!! I stood up for myself!!! I would have had to run illegally over my DOT hours to get to the shipper! They are 24 hours, I have been there many times. So I kinda pushed back on my dispatcher, until he got me cleared to stop now, resume after my 10 hr DOT break. Drive overnight,, again... Safe and legal!!! So,, make that option #3,,,, chilling at a rest area with running water! Such small things,, such big victories!!!
~J~
Sent +rom my Verizon Wireless mobile phone
Hmmmmm... my company insists I "make it happen" to go pick up the next load before break. So,,,,ding ding ding! Number 4 is winner of Home Sweet Home! Happy Wednesday to me!
I can doze standing up, sitting down, wherever I stop MOVING! LOL
My eyes hurt and twitch. My nose, throat, and chest hurt, tight, red,,,,, all that is extra bonus to the inferno that boils day and night anyway. Sigh,,,, what I wouldn't give to sleep in the swimming pool, head propped up on a noodle... that always scared the mess out of the fitness trainers!!! To come out to lock up, to find me drifting, lights off to the pool,, SOUND ASLEEP!!!!!
Maybe a bit like a boomerang? Jax to Miami to Orlando - lost some momentum on the bounce UP. oh well cest a vie. 14 hrs is enough punishment to my wore out body. Hmpf! My sleeping bag is calling with its Siren Song!
For music, settled on Classical. It's not mindless. My ears tune into the various "voices" of each section, or even individual instruments. Engaged, as the movements progress, my mind follows the drama and journey. Even my whupped body responded by tensing, flexxing, moving in time.... when the music was slow or soft, I breathed deeply and really "looked" at my tense places. Too numerous to release all at once, I WAS still driving my semi, LOL. When the crescendoes came, I noticed I was pumped and invigorated. Could drive many more hours.. but nah,,, :)
Amazing bass trombone, cello, and some delightful midwest American composers as well!
The focus has been what my thoughts needed. A guided channel to lands, times, loves near and far. Less time introspective or burning with pain.
Good choice of station, Jan! You ROCK!
Passed within 1 mile of my car. Only 5 miles from church and my adoptive family. I dont usually get same day assignments back out of SoFL, so was already rolling with anticipation to my hiding place. Woulda got in just as Pastor came out of his private devotions. Staff would be arriving. I could have gotten in the building,,, sometimes just BEING is perfect and fulfilling. Oh well, have to adjust and tuck and roll. That's all.
Trying to use up my cold food before vacation. Blindly grabbed the apples.Sliced in a bag, was a little put off they looked like the wizened apple witches we made as kids. Tangy fermented too. Ptooey! Glad its now daylight, will be examining the brocolli and carrots for freshness.
Put up a note in the driver's lounge at Terminal in Jax. I need a ride to the airport on Friday....
Trying to work on my awareness of my thoughts, words, voice, and breathing. A little bit of effort to find the humbly grateful girl I know was smooshed to a pulp yesterday by the death of my friend. Attitude of gratitude, even if it is only for music, word, true sour apples (bah), and my upcoming date with my pillow ;-)
How'd I do???
lol
Tired, but shiny side up,
Jan M. Olsen
*** UPDATE!!! I stood up for myself!!! I would have had to run illegally over my DOT hours to get to the shipper! They are 24 hours, I have been there many times. So I kinda pushed back on my dispatcher, until he got me cleared to stop now, resume after my 10 hr DOT break. Drive overnight,, again... Safe and legal!!! So,, make that option #3,,,, chilling at a rest area with running water! Such small things,, such big victories!!!
~J~
Sent +rom my Verizon Wireless mobile phone
I Need Gills Instead Of Lungs
Then I will be forced to ascend. It's not enough that a diver must ascend slowly to release nitrogen build up in their tissues (decompression). No, I rise reluctantly emotionally. The last 15 feet before breaking the surface and searching for the boat? The ocean surge builds to a wild crescendo, and I am once again, tossed about. To and fro, with no control over where the push or pull takes me. Tides, moons, weather, physics, it all pulls and demands and insists that THEIR voice be heard!! Pick ME they scream in the cacophony clamoring in my head!
Immediately upon emerging into the "air"? The fight to find a way to breathe clear air begins. Either I saved sufficient P.S.I. of air in my tank for this period of getting back on the boat? Or I must trust a snorkel, which is constantly being swamped by waves of salt & brine. Knowing that this stage exists?? Makes me nervous to even plan a dive, travel to a site, begin to suit up, check the equipment, jump off a perfectly good boat in to 60 feet or more of heaving seas,,, and to TRUST the fact that if I can JUST get to 15 feet of depth?? The surge is almost non-existent. I can then navigate N,S,E,W and find my happy place. I can remember to breathe properly and relax, totally LOST in a world of wonder and awe and ever-changing glory of God's creation.
Like with most aspects of my life, I charge the trepidations head-on. Nervous or not, I shrug, gear up, and dive anyway. Most of the time, the rewards outweigh the risks.
So much color! So much LIFE! So many little sounds,,, the clicking of the shrimp, the churning of propellers, the rustle of metal dive gear scraping in a foreign land. The sound of my own blood pulsing.
It is what is missing that makes this so wonderful. No conversation. No media. No electronics (past the dive computer). No yesterday, No tomorrow. No pain in my body after I equalize the changing pressures at depth. Then, for me,,,, no inner dialogue. Absence of churning thoughts. A focus on surviving safely in a "hostile" environment, and a relaxation to just "BE" one with the ebb and flow of LIFE all around me.
I lost a dear friend last night. Too young, too soon. Senseless. That she feared most to be alone, and died alone? Crushes my heart. I failed her. I failed me. I failed her family. She died in her own worst nightmare. Alone.
She wrote me a note. She tried to set my mind to ease. Instead, she left me more questions. Immense pain. Overwhelming loss. Deafening silence of her voice. Forever.
Forever. Oh my God how that hurts.
I had felt in my spirit that something was wrong. I felt the call to travail. To anguish. I prayed. I felt ineffective with my own words, because at that moment, I didn't know the need, just that there was one. God has a sense of humor. He created me to be intense and passionate. Prayer is no different for me, it is a 200% whole-body experience!! Funny joke, God, that my altar is so often while I am at work, driving, trapped behind the wheel.
I didn't get release from God this time. I stopped praying when I was expended, but didn't feel closure of the matter.
Then I find out why. My friend killed herself.
All day today I have been so at a loss to reach out. Trust me, I think I am pretty pleased that I have a few internet friends, a few church friends, fewer family..... until the time comes when I really wanted to be held and reassured. then all of that felt shallow and made me question why I let anyone in my world at all. Ever?
In person, people hurt you. In the anonymity of the internet, emails, blogs, books, media, there is just no real human touch. I was completely crushed by that separation and void today. I both fear people and their touch and crave it, need it all at the same time. And that weakness of me, just pisses me off.
Suddenly, the euphoria I was bubbling along towards my Friday trip to reunite with Alisha, was tempered first by the unshakable sense that something was wrong, that pain was ahead. Then by the reality of a phone call and a letter to me.
I failed to make a difference for my friend. I let her down. She died alone.
Hell, I live that way. It's Life for me. But she had tried Sunday to tell me how uncomfortable she was in her family, in her environment. I listened, I asked her questions, I gave her the best thoughts and guidance that I know.... she answered her questions for herself. She ended her life.
So, today I had to choose. Forego my trip to Colorado, and risk losing Alisha again, perhaps forever?
Or stay behind and attend a funeral? Face the friends and family, her daughters and let them see me as the failure I am?
Just the sadness of loss alone, was enough to render me unable to drive or work. I was getting truck maintenance, and the staff were so concerned by my grief and stage of distress, that they found another truck, gave me the keys, and encouraged me to take my clothes, and sleeping bag in there. They thought I needed sleep. Which, physically, yeah, I am at the end of myself. I needed sleep. But I ended up crying. Praying. Yelling. Crying.... a lot of crying.
If I lived at a physical address like my driver's license proclaims? I would have called out sick. Frumpy housewife attire of fuzzy comfy bathrobe, box of Puffs tissues in one hand, cup of herbal hot tea in another. Lavendar aroma to soothe, instrumental, soul-taming music soft in the periphery....
On trucks, though? At the end of the day, an angel unawares came to me. Israel walked up to me and said he had a word from God to me. It was the story of King David, after he had sinned with Bathsheba. The prophet had come to him, through a parable described a theft and crime. David himself spoke of vengeance.
He was that man,,,, his child was to die. He fasted, prayed, and abased himself. To the point where his people feared for his sanity. Then the child DID die. When he got the word, he arose, washed, and clothed himself.
When asked why? He said, "I cannot bring him back. But I can go to him one day."
Israel told me I am to "GO, among the living, while there is yet time".
So, I have made a tough decision. I am still flying to Colorado on Friday.
Once the decision was made, I went to sleep.
The word came next, that it wont be a funeral after all.Rather she will be cremated, and a memorial service at another time. So, I made the choice, which was confirmed by this. It wasn't easy though.
So, I slept again. I fall asleep crying. I awaken, crying. So sad. So hurt. So lost. So in pain of heart, mind, body, spirit, soul. Such loss.
I began to drive around 11pm. There are several meteor showers a year that I faithfully attend and tell everyone I can think of about. Pathetic, but I think if even one person sees the same sky, as vast as it is, separated by miles and time zones? That perhaps, there is a spirit connection and i am not alone after all.
Alone? I really resonate with my friend. And am fighting the depth of despair and crushing hopelessness. Like my friend, I am alone in a room full of people. In a church, in a classroom, in a home.
The "GIFTS" within me keep me so different, and very isolated,
Curses, sometimes,,, that's what they seem like to me.
I spent time thinking of HOW she died, her method of taking her own life. Her letters to people. The scenario, who found her. Who knows she is dead?
Unbidden, yet insidious, the thoughts churn in me. I won't leave a note if I choose to leave this world. I won't make a mess. I won't be found by my children. I won't be a burden to them.
If I do it, it will look like an accident. Everyone knows I use ice blocks for pain management. It would be as simple as "trying" dry ice,,,, noxious in enclosed spaces like my rig! Death is peaceful,,, you just go to sleep.
Life insurance will pay out. The girls can be sorry I am gone, but not in anguish as to WHY ...
yet, I have had thoughts of suicide off and on since a teenager. Tried more than once. The last time was last year. I had taken steps to ensure I would be left alone long enough, that there would be no resuscitation.
BUT GOD.... he allowed me to sleep soundly 3 hours,, before he himself woke me up.
Israel also told me God had verses for me. Romans chapter 8,,,, I cannot choose to take myself from this life. Not until God lets me go. In his word, he explains that he will not do that.
What about my friend? Did he let her go? We have self-will.
Too many questions.
So, as I drive southward to Miami for an 0800 delivery, the eastern sky is dark, the moon shifted already. I see an Orionid meteor.
Funny, i love colors and Kodak moments. But sunsets and sunrises are products of environmental pollutions. And meteor showers are the earth passing through a comet debris field,, not falling stars as we so glamorously proclaim. Thanks, Nanci, I will never think of "comet debris field" without seeing in my mind the words you typed "comet $heeeet...." LOL.. comet poop. Well alrighty then. Pollution, in other words.
http://earthsky.org/astronomy-essentials/earthskys-meteor-shower-guide
Yet I drive through the darkest of nights,, looking diligently for a "falling star" or the coveted and rare EARTHGRAZER (thank you, Zig Ziglar!). And I wait earnestly, hopeful for sunrise. Then because of my job and lifestyle?? I end up seeing the sun set later in that 24 hours as well.
I have no tidy end to this note. Out of words at the moment, yet, I know I have not made a dent in my pain, or made the least bit of sense or reason. To you the reader, or to myself.
So lost. So sad. So hurt. So alone. So,,,,,,, in pain. Whether lungs or gills? Breathing hurts me right now,, because it means I am alive to draw it,, and my friend is not. Ever.
Crushed and hurting,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
spellcheck isnt working and frankly my dear, i dont give a damn
Romans, portion of chapter 8:
35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?
36 As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.
37 Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.
38 For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,
39 Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Monday, October 18, 2010
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Going Through Old Letters I Found This....
You WILL BE VICTORIOUS!! IN JESUS' NAME!!!
Pastor
On Sat, Nov 8, 2008 at 8:08 PM, Janwrote:
Pastor Hattabaugh,
This will be the last letter I send for awhile.
8 November 2008, Saturday
St. Clair, Missouri
Alisha – Truth- - For Awhile
AWHILE
For awhile, I am going to drop off the internet scene. I am closing myself in. Getting shut away with God, taking hold of the horns of the altar in a death grip that says "I won't let you go until you bless me!!!!!!!!!" After this letter, I am beginning a fresh communications fast. I don't have a clear direction from God yet as to just how long this one will last. The one after Conference was only supposed to be 3 days , until I failed miserably on the first day and it became 4 days with a modified food fast too. This means no new email from me, no more Facebook or Myspace,,, not sure about journaling. Anything you wish to send to me,, will be there waiting for me when I return. You will still be able to keep up with me via checks in the mail.
I will not be looking up a church for Sunday either.
Simply tired of something having a hold on me. My past? The Present? The Future? Whether it is the enemy holding me 10 feet underwater upside down,, strangling me? Or God withholding directions and blessings from me until he gets through to my my hard head? Whatever it is, I am sick of being "HELD". I am gonna get serious with God.
I have no choice.
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
ALISHA
Angel reminded me today of a few things. Not to let Ole be a stumbling block. Ole will not return mine or Angel's phone calls. I can see mine.. but Angel his daughter? Is he just busy? A jerk? Or does he have an arrangement with Alisha that he can be in her loop if he keeps Angel and I in the dark?
Also, not to let Alisha be a stumbling block. It is their right to decide to shut us out. Up to us how it affects us. Also of the dreams she and I were given of God separately back in August. Alisha is not either one of ours. She doesn't "belong" to me as a daughter or to Angel as a Sister. She is blood bought, purchased by God to himself, she is his, not ours. Jesus stands to lose a whole lot more in Alisha's rejection than we do.
So, I have updated my status on myspace. That way if Alisha looks me up again,, and is preparing another nasty letter to me,,, she will see quiet words of strength, from my heart. The reference to "Meet In The Middle" is a song that Lewis and I played for both girls once upon a better time, and we had a group hug and a long evening of dancing and holding each other close,,, bonding. It is a country song that simply says, "I'd start walking your way, You'd start walking mine, We'd meet in the middle 'neath that old Georgia pine, We'd gain a lot of ground, 'cause we'd both give a little, There ain't no road too long, when you meet in the middle."
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
TRUTH
The areas I will be focusing on:
1) My salvation and place with God. Sorry, but for once I have to be selfish and make this my number one priority.
2) My family to include parents and brother. Angel (& Aaron). Alisha (& Tony & ???).
3) The ministry and the churches and the families I have met so far since June nationwide.
4) Lost souls.
5) The breakthrough I keep getting laid hands on for. I have got to have an answer.
6) Loneliness and hopelessness. Especially here during the holiday season.
Questions to filter everything that I allow back into my life when I emerge from this season:
A) Is it edifying?
B) Does it glorify God?
C) Is it necessary?
D) Will it matter in 20 years?
E) Is it worth it?
F) Will it hinder me or anyone else in walking with God in a way that pleases him?
G) Am I being a good steward? Time, money, talents, abilities, energy?
H) Is it in proper proportions? Moderation?
I) Does it line up with the Bible?
I am broken of heart.
I possess a contrite spirit.
I am weary of fighting.
I am sick of my own stubborn self will and self determination stealing perfect joy and surrender in Christ.
I can't seem to get out of my own way.
I am desperate for answers. Peace. Guidance.
I am vulnerable and afraid.
I am going to boldly approach the throne of grace.
I will humbly present my body a living sacrifice.
I am standing on the solidness of God's unchanging WORD and Nature.
I will be victorious.
My request to you is that you pray for me. Thank you for your time, understanding, and prayers.
JAN OLSEN
~J~
"Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail." Ralph Waldo Emerson
Pastor
On Sat, Nov 8, 2008 at 8:08 PM, Jan
Pastor Hattabaugh,
This will be the last letter I send for awhile.
8 November 2008, Saturday
St. Clair, Missouri
Alisha – Truth- - For Awhile
AWHILE
For awhile, I am going to drop off the internet scene. I am closing myself in. Getting shut away with God, taking hold of the horns of the altar in a death grip that says "I won't let you go until you bless me!!!!!!!!!" After this letter, I am beginning a fresh communications fast. I don't have a clear direction from God yet as to just how long this one will last. The one after Conference was only supposed to be 3 days , until I failed miserably on the first day and it became 4 days with a modified food fast too. This means no new email from me, no more Facebook or Myspace,,, not sure about journaling. Anything you wish to send to me,, will be there waiting for me when I return. You will still be able to keep up with me via checks in the mail.
I will not be looking up a church for Sunday either.
Simply tired of something having a hold on me. My past? The Present? The Future? Whether it is the enemy holding me 10 feet underwater upside down,, strangling me? Or God withholding directions and blessings from me until he gets through to my my hard head? Whatever it is, I am sick of being "HELD". I am gonna get serious with God.
I have no choice.
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
ALISHA
Angel reminded me today of a few things. Not to let Ole be a stumbling block. Ole will not return mine or Angel's phone calls. I can see mine.. but Angel his daughter? Is he just busy? A jerk? Or does he have an arrangement with Alisha that he can be in her loop if he keeps Angel and I in the dark?
Also, not to let Alisha be a stumbling block. It is their right to decide to shut us out. Up to us how it affects us. Also of the dreams she and I were given of God separately back in August. Alisha is not either one of ours. She doesn't "belong" to me as a daughter or to Angel as a Sister. She is blood bought, purchased by God to himself, she is his, not ours. Jesus stands to lose a whole lot more in Alisha's rejection than we do.
So, I have updated my status on myspace. That way if Alisha looks me up again,, and is preparing another nasty letter to me,,, she will see quiet words of strength, from my heart. The reference to "Meet In The Middle" is a song that Lewis and I played for both girls once upon a better time, and we had a group hug and a long evening of dancing and holding each other close,,, bonding. It is a country song that simply says, "I'd start walking your way, You'd start walking mine, We'd meet in the middle 'neath that old Georgia pine, We'd gain a lot of ground, 'cause we'd both give a little, There ain't no road too long, when you meet in the middle."
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
TRUTH
The areas I will be focusing on:
1) My salvation and place with God. Sorry, but for once I have to be selfish and make this my number one priority.
2) My family to include parents and brother. Angel (& Aaron). Alisha (& Tony & ???).
3) The ministry and the churches and the families I have met so far since June nationwide.
4) Lost souls.
5) The breakthrough I keep getting laid hands on for. I have got to have an answer.
6) Loneliness and hopelessness. Especially here during the holiday season.
Questions to filter everything that I allow back into my life when I emerge from this season:
A) Is it edifying?
B) Does it glorify God?
C) Is it necessary?
D) Will it matter in 20 years?
E) Is it worth it?
F) Will it hinder me or anyone else in walking with God in a way that pleases him?
G) Am I being a good steward? Time, money, talents, abilities, energy?
H) Is it in proper proportions? Moderation?
I) Does it line up with the Bible?
I am broken of heart.
I possess a contrite spirit.
I am weary of fighting.
I am sick of my own stubborn self will and self determination stealing perfect joy and surrender in Christ.
I can't seem to get out of my own way.
I am desperate for answers. Peace. Guidance.
I am vulnerable and afraid.
I am going to boldly approach the throne of grace.
I will humbly present my body a living sacrifice.
I am standing on the solidness of God's unchanging WORD and Nature.
I will be victorious.
My request to you is that you pray for me. Thank you for your time, understanding, and prayers.
JAN OLSEN
~J~
"Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail." Ralph Waldo Emerson
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