Only the days of the week containing "-day".What a day! From my notes earlier and my waking moments, I hit the ground running full tilt. This seeming pandemonium challenged me emotionally, physically,spiritually, and had me tumbling like clothes in a large capacity dryer! Heat was ON!
Here it is, 10:35pm and I am still in Jacksonville. My truck repair was done at 5:30pm. I was sent a preplan load assignment. The miles weren't great, but so far I have a big fat goose egg. Miles are turned in on Fridays, paid out the next week. I expected to roll upon my return from Colorado at 10pm last night. I had communicated my travel itinerary, and updated my driver manager all day. True, I appreciated the sleep, then woke ready to roll. The truck broke down.
So anyway, at 5:30pm, Tuesday, was instructed to go get an empty trailer off the Yard, then they would assign me the load. No empties. I sent in a QualCom, and went to get dinner. Fully expecting them to send me bobtail to the pickup. No reply. An hour... no message. Finally I call Iowa, to find out, they double booked that load. Another driver is now headed to Lakeland.
Went back to the Yard, showered, laundry.. just a bit relieved and miffed. I've been at this life long enough to say "trucking is trucking".
Also, walked with God enough in a Journey of FAITH to say, "You know what, God? I don't know what you are protecting me from? I don't know what you see? I don't know what it is that you have for me that is BETTER than the load that just slipped away? But I accept all of your BEST for me. Carry on, Sir!"
I got some news today. I am not comfortable... no that isn't strong enough.... I am downright angry in LIFE to always have to be the one PROTECTING.... when no one has ever stepped up to ward evil from hurting me. I am always looking out for others. That Golden Rule thing??? I practice it outwardly to others all the time. Rarely do I get the return on it... even then, often it isn't to whom I extended it, instead maybe I receive good from a different source. WHATEVER!
Also, WHY is it my job to tell others, esp if the news is able to be perceived Good or Bad, depending on the hearer and the angle? Why make me the bad guy?
Especially where that odd group of individuals aka "family" is concerned??? I really just want to ,,, please them,,, love them,, be loved by them,,, but I am weary,,,, that's a good word for it. I am weary of being the messenger, the go-between, the ambassador. ALways falling short....
Don't get me wrong, PLEASE! I am NOT weary in well-doing! And I have this gift/curse of being able to love, forgive, love even more to anyone,,,, but,, that gets me trampled on too.
That flash of anger?? Left me depleted,, uncomfortable and full of guilt and regret. I didn't linger in the ANGER,,, but it coursed through me as real and hot as blood and breath itself. I had to ride it out,,, feeling nauseous and scared of losing control of my emotions the entire time.
After that while of loss and bitter desperate rage?? I sagged, weak and alone.
Then,, I felt the lift,,,the shifting,,, I cannot change what made me angry,,, but I CAN CONTROL MY REACTIONS..... I began to see the good and positive and the hope for the near and distant future.. to give it all over to God and trust HIM in THIS TOO... He is the same God that he was all day,,, now,,, and tomorrow.... to let go,,, and feel it,, then,,, shift,,,
At first, noticing I am still,,, like some pathetic loser, still reaching out. As that passes, I open up yet again,, let that move out and away,, and I find I am still grateful. I am still blessed. I am still loving.
I was headed down a wrong and lonely road tonight. When, after my shower, I felt the urge to text message an old friend and ask if she was still up? Could we talk? It was 9:40pm, both of us on Eastern Time Zone.
(AND NO NO NO!!! THIS IS *NOT* my "best friend" from high school,,, PRECISELY one of my sources of anger,, she has cut me out and away so soundly,, I CAN'T go to her,, I don't know what I did to make her turn away??? Rejected and still hurting,,,and I MISS HER!!!ahhhh)
Now, I don't like the phone, since my stroke. My thought to speech is impaired and I stutter. I am half-bright, but one would not know that on the phone. In person, I concentrate, and follow a person's conversation in an adaptive way, similar to reading lips,, and expression, and their posture, movements, etc. It helps me keep my thoughts forming into words, and I appear the intelligent girl that I am. So, to ask my friend to talk on the phone??? Is a SINCERE gift of my trust in her, that she will be patient, loving, and gentle with me and my infirmities.
53 minutes later,,, I close the call and feel so limp. So loved. So relieved. So warm inside my gut and my heart. I am wrung out, but the dirty, smelly attitude that had bubbled inside of me as my day went downhill on a bobsled, is aired, sanitized, and on its way to proper and full healing. She is not a friend from church, which is unusual when you consider THAT type of "therapy" coming from a mere phone call.
No, Terry is the one (and only) girl that I have let myself "LOVE" in the moment we were together, and have relationship with.... and have maintained a 22 yr bond with. Definitely NOT a church thing. I can't admit that to them, to them it is cut and dried. Black and white. What we share is an entire pallet painting a Thomas Kincaide of life, love, connection, and unity. Not a church thing at all. No box here, my friend.
Trying to think back? It had to be 1987 or 1988,, so I was 19 or 20? Terry was 23,, somehow, I remember that detail clearly. Our husbands were Army during Desert Storm and we were stationed in Ft. Polk, LA. Dependants either sat home and made themselves fat and miserable eating ice cream and potatoe chips whining about separation from mommy and hubby,,,, or they got out, and joined the support activities on the Base?
Terry and I met at a Tang Soo Do class on Post at the gym. She was ahead of me in class by 2 belts. But it was love at first sight for each of us. I BELIEVE ,,, because it DID HAPPEN to me!! Within a class session or two, we became work out partners. We would arrive early, and sitting on the gym floor, we would stretch each other out.
We FIT PERFECTLY!! Oh,, it tugs my heart,,, fills it with so much light and love,, remembering how we NESTLED and FIT like hand in a glove. We didn't have "training" so we did exercises we made up. Soles of our feet touching, matching, we reached across our outstretched legs, took the other by the hand, and alternating pulling until the stretch in our legs hurt,, then pulling a wee bit more,,
To help us hold the stretch? We looked into each other's eyes,,, and wordlessly, assured "YOU CAN DO THIS". We stretched and challenged many areas of our bodies, then the class kicked our rear, until we learned to block, and kick back :-) We practiced FORMS (kata) relentlessly,, in class, then again just the two of us in our own private ballet on the mats,, then again at our homes. With this practice we excelled in Tang SooDo, belt after belt we rose up the ranks!
Poetry.... the ONE and only time I have ever felt GRACEFUL or IN TUNE with another human being... makes me ache, remembering this time in my life. I yearn for that CONNECTEDNESS with another.
We were blonde and coal. I guess I was supposed to say the cliche Ebony and Ivory? She is a fast talking, sassy Yankee from Rhode Island. Moody, and volatile, funny, and loving, loyal to the death. The Life of the Party, Terry had clear WHITE skin, and JET BLACK CURLY short hair. (not what I am normally attracted to in a guy or a girl!!! hmmmmm....)
I am a Longhorn Cracker, as Southern as one can get...my Heinz 57 drawl is so slooooow and thoughtful.....I had straight, blonde hair past my butt with the same flybacks that I had in junior and senior high school. Tan and athletic, vibrant and extremely, painfully, excrutiatingly backwards, awkward, and socially a nerd in EVERY WAY. (just like school, ugh, LOL)
We were the exact height and weight,, to the inch and ounce. We drew on each other's strengths and bolstered our weaknesses.
Our young families began to also be inseparable. Terry and Ed had 4 yr old Jessica and 2 year old Kellie. Ole and I had 2 year old Angel and were off the Pill, trying to get pregnant (Alisha). Ole was much older than any of us.
I point that out, because we were all young. Not innocent. But we WERE naive. We were curious. We did some,,,,, very OPEN things..... Ed was one to go to bed at 9pm..... I can't tell you how many times Ole, Terry, and I sat up playing Spades ,,, or got sitters and went clubbing.... the 3 of us dancing in that unrestrained, half-drunk, carefree way of YOUTH.
One such night of Bacardi and cards, and we dreamed up switching partners.
That was,,, intriguing,,, to a backwoods, Pentecostal. LOLOLOL!!! That meant I had to go wake up Ed... poor guy,,, I ended up panicking,, and we sat and talked,, while the other 2 did,,, i don't wanna know what. I was actively trying to get pregnant with my husband,,, soooo I decided not to take the risk,,, thank God!
Sometime after this,, Terry and I went to class as always. This time,, I joined her in the shower.
That's all the details I'm giving,,, but,,, she will always be my first and only girl love. I do know,, ANYTHING is POSSIBLE , the Life LESSON I gleaned from this time.
Later, her and Ed divorced. She married a MUCH younger guy that rode a a crotch rocket and swooped her off her feet!! (by now it has been 4 years,,and mine and Ole's second daughter, Alisha is a 2 yr old!!!) When Shane ETS,,, Terry went with him. They have lived the last 2 decades in his hometown of Evansville, Indianna (close to Owensboro, KY).
That was the last time I saw Terry in person! I missed their wedding, That was 1990. During Oct-Dec 1990 I moved to Tallahasse to live with my best friend from high school. I worked 3 jobs and filed divorce from Ole at the recommendation of Army chaplains, civilian counsellors, hospital staff,,,, all of them sure he would end up killing me one day instead of landing me in the ER for yet another CAT scan!!!
My marriage "reconciled" in January 1991,,, we stayed friends with Terry and Shane,, raised all 4 girls as sisters/cousins..... until the day Desert Storm ended and soldiers were sent home. Terry and Shane moved to Indianna in 1992. Ole and I also left the military, going home to Central Florida with our small brood, Nov. 1992.
Two years ago,,, Terry found me on MySpace,,, then Facebook followed. We emailed a few times,,, then we talked on the phone. We have both moved on from that era in our lives.... and turned our back on that PURE LOVE and AFFECTION that we shared in our early years. We have each lived loving lives with other people. Our children are grown ups now,, much the same ages we were.
Terry and I talked about that tonight. When I confessed to her how my visit with Alisha went, and some of the things I have learned about my daughter,... when I finally got to VERBALIZE IT in such a SAFE HAVEN as in Terry's trust and open concern???
We talked about OUR LOVE and how our mothers would not have understood us either. We don't want certain things for OUR daughters.,,,, but can not judge them. We love them. Wish to guide them. Wish to shelter them even. In the end? We can just love them and BE THERE for them. The only true LANDING place our girls will have.
From IN to FL, she encouraged me, once again stretching me,, pulling until it hurts,, then proverbially this time,, looking into my eyes and holding the stretch, then pulling it a fraction more.. she asked me to write my book,, she reminded me,, of the gift I have with words and how I always moved her,,, she stretched me, entreated me to write the book, and share with others what she has already been privvy and close to.
Terry and I have each other. Then and now. And like a fine wine,,,, or a hot, carefully chosen and steeped herbal tea?? The ingredients a fine blend of soothing, healing, nurturing timeless remedy. She soothed my jangled nerves and raw pain,,, and loved me,, from 1,000's of miles away,, as only a LOVER could,.... intimately in TUNE WITH and AWARE of my every flex, every breath, every thing I WAS
NOT saying,, as well as HEARING all that I
DID SAY OUT LOUD.
She heard my heartbeat,,, much as we once reached out, skin to skin,,, and FELT the other's pulsing life.
Yes,,, that talk? Tamed my savage beast. And once again,, I am that young girl,,for a
very first time,, and for a
very short season, I am loved and secure, and in PASSIONATE belief that LIFE is still INHERENTLY GOOD and WORTHWHILE the LIVING!
She says it was 3:00am just this past morning,, she couldn't sleep... she had texted me,, ,, then ,,, thinking not to disturb my sleep, she deleted the message, leaving it unsent.
Rarely, am I asleep at 3:00am... I am ALWAYS awake at 03:30 am.... in intercessory prayer and spiritual warfare for my slumbering loved ones and friends and strangers unawares.
I wish she had clicked SEND,,, maybe tonight she will?
meanwhile,, the talking things out with my "SAFE" friend and love, Terry,,, and now here in free form on the blog?? I am beat emotionally. I still have to face my discomfort and my (received) news and my revelations regarding my Alisha,,, but perhaps,, if I sleep on it??? Meditate on it??? Pray over it??
Above all else??? LOVE on it????
There is light,,, there is love,, there is peace... there is contentment,,,, there is HOPE....
Drifting to sleep, spent, but warm of heart and soul,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
